Knowing the Narcissist : Tenacious
You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away.
No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.
But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.
Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.
Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.
You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.
Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.
Try to understand that.
64 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Tenacious”
3. My confidence is lower now and my record keeping is a bit scrambled (so apologies to anyone who I’ve placed here incorrectly) but I was under the impression some were/are from this list: Kat, EB, ABB, Cara, Ah Oh.
From my perspective DB has been treated unjustly in this comment section. I accept people making errors of judgement – everyone is human. I even accept momentary explosions of frustration. But nastiness is different. There’s been nastiness in this thread.
I’ve read many of DB’s threads and she is not and cannot be nasty. She will argue and she will try to give back what she gets and she’ll try to defend herself, but she’s not and has never been, in the posts I’ve seen, nasty. That’s just not how she is.
It looks to me like some commenting have felt emboldened by HG’s responses to DB and have seen an opportunity to court favour with him and have added nasty remarks or their support of nasty remarks already made. It’s disappointing on a site which is supposed to have a strong empathic readership but I’ve witnessed it in other threads on the blog, so it’s not something that is particularly new. There are some posters in this thread that I have yet to any empathic comments from yet so they may not fall within the empath group. Where they sit exactly I’m not sure but I’ve read the comments of several self-identified (and so self-aware) narcissists on the blog going who have responded consistently with respect for others so nastiness of response is not a definitive indicator of NPD.
Other commenters I have seen either some or a lot of empathy from across all their responses. They definitely show real empathy and are clearly empathic individuals. If I see anything I might recognise as meanness from these individuals towards others it’s nearly (if not always) connected to HG, often precipitated by the belief that HG is unhappy with another individual’s behaviour. This could be a reader/commenter on this blog or an individual who HG has referred to in his off-blog content.
I’ve posted before about my belief that attachment to the narcissist can lead to less than empathic behaviour from empaths – and this might be related to co-dependency and seeing events in a particular way due to their allegiance to their very strong allegiance to the narcissist. I don’t know that much can be done about this kind of nastiness because while the empath only values guidance and advice from the narcissist they are attached to, who condones or implicitly encourages that unkind behaviour, the empath is locked into a behaviour and belief cycle that cannot be escaped.
I sometimes wonder what this blog would be like now had HG not shifted the focus of his YouTube channel from being a channel solely about narcissism and it’s various permutations into a channel that mainly operates as a MM content provider, along with all the other profitable channels on that topic. If when HG’s name was entered into the YT search box and it didn’t automatically generate ‘HG Tudor Harry’s Wife.’ Would this blog have a different number of readers or commenters (likely), a different style of commentary (possibly). When I read back over comment sections (the first few years in particular) the discussions are different. There’s the occasional oddball poster and post but it is nicer overall. I wish I’d found the blog back then, although I’m glad I can still read those older conversations.
Thank you, btw, Dani, for your reply.
1. You have evidently not been party to certain comments which demonstrate your observations to have a poor foundation.
2. The comments of others are based on what they have witnessed previously as opposed to courting favour with me. They know I do not need “help” addressing such behaviours.
3. Do share who the self aware narcissists are on the blog? This will be interesting.
4. The audience on YouTube is a very different one from the blog and therefore your observations in that regard do not stand up. Your observations concerning the style of the commentators is anecdotal, there have been some almighty blows up in previous years alongside people behaving in a supportive manner, just as is the case now.
“I sometimes wonder what this blog would be like now had HG not shifted the focus of his YouTube channel from being a channel solely about narcissism and it’s various permutations into a channel that mainly operates as a MM content provider, along with all the other profitable channels on that topic. If when HG’s name was entered into the YT search box and it didn’t automatically generate ‘HG Tudor Harry’s Wife.’ Would this blog have a different number of readers or commenters (likely), a different style of commentary (possibly).”
Many commenters on the blog (and this thread) have actually been following the blog for many years – before even HG started the newer Ultra channel (and before the HW videos were more regular) and, to my knowledge, many of them don’t frequent YT as much as they do here, or in fact, prefer discussions on the blog.
In my opinion, to attribute any perceived change in the style of interactions here to the Harry’s Wife content is misguided.
I have been a long time blogger attendee here. I watch the YouTube series on occasion. I cannot watch all the Harry and Megan series as it doesn’t interest me that much. But there’s ALWAYS interesting material to read here. I love new material such as the psychopath and eagerly await on more. As to conspiracy theorists… I think there is some truth there but not quite as organized as they think. The top one percent owns about 65% of the land in America and 75% of the corporate wealth or stock. It grew 10% during Covid. I read a recent article in the UK. I have found in being in a transcontinental marriage that the West follows similar economic dynamics and the people share similar struggles. Many don’t realize that banks are often owned by private families like corporations. I had a case involving a cedar Sinai medical office and the bank of Lebanon was one family. The bank of New York I was told was the coldwalls. I read an article that one in four CEOs are psychopaths. This does not surprise me but I don’t know if reliable. The point being is concentrated wealth makes politicians puppets. Koch brothers had to hold their nose and approve Trumps run. You don’t get into office without “ special interests” or those with wealth contributing and deciding. The church is another wealthy power. There are groups like la liga and the labor union, or the military which is an interesting group to try to control ( ask trump in the USA they refused to serve as his national guard) but most of the power lies in a few statistically. Why allow citizens to deduct an electric vehicle from taxes ? This was cut from Bidens package. Maybe environmentalists would love it but not the oil and gas owners. Some countries the wealth is in a small group of families that control communism or a dictatorship. I feel at some point the dam will break and I don’t think war as it would negatively effect all ( nuclear) but world wide disasters environmentally such as loss of water in regions or rising sea levels. Sadly I don’t think the “ immaculati” as some wrongly believe exist …. Or those in concentrated wealth will beat the fall out of Mother Nature. But I think the masses know something is amiss and are redirected. An old magic trick. Look at this hand while the other hand is controlling the trick. The conspiracy theorists just make up theories on the right hand. Diverted. Sad.
Contagious, I think you mean the Illuminati.
Clarification: regarding empaths who have been here much longer than the regularity of content on HW – they aren’t necessarily in this specific thread but, present in many threads across the comment section.
You are right. Narcissists view people as appliances and use them in exactly that way. They put them on the shelf as HG as so often discussed.
Psychopaths/Sociopaths are worse, they view people as toys to play with. They even throw them and break them. They do not put them on a shelf but instead throw them into a toy box. When they get bored they will throw them away like rubbish.
They use people for amusement or to get something. They do not need fuel.
This is a very thought-provoking article. Thank you.
1. Do all empaths within a given narcissist’s fuel matrix exhibit this tenacity toward the relationship with the narcissist?
2. How does the tenacity differ based on what kind of empath a person is?
2a. Is it mostly just the behaviors exhibited by the empath?
3. How does it differ based on the relationship to the narcissist? I would think that parent/child relies more on the…sense of obligation/duty the empathic individual feels owing to it being “my child” or “my parent.” A friendship would be different from that.
4. How does it vary based on position and relationship?
5. Do you find this trait equally useful in a friend (NISS) as in a romantic partner (whether IPPS or IPSS)?
6. How do your ways of exploiting this vary?
6a. Does it mostly vary based on the school(s)/cadre(s) of the relevant empath?
7. Are you more likely to do so in benign ways when it is a friendship/your siblings (as long as they are painted white)?
Thank you so much for your time. I greatly appreciate it.
1. Yes, although some will be more tenacious than others.
2. Too detailed to address in a comment.
3. It does differ based on the nature of the relationship, as you have touched on, a familial relationship’s tenacity is driven by a sense of duty and obligation, a friendship tenacity is driven by a sense of doing the right thing and loyalty, a romantic tenacity is driven by a fear of loss, the sense of love will conquer all.
4. See above.
6. Too detailed for a comment.
7. Secondary sources are more likely to be treated benignly owing to facade management, if that is applicable.
Thank you, Sir!
1. Is the level of tenacity something that you can determine via your trait detector?
2. In the case of questions that are too detailed for comment responses, are those answers information that you plan to detail when you have more time?
NISS Specific questions:
3. Does “if that is applicable” go back to the “if they’re painted white” from my question?
4. Does “if that is applicable” have more to do with facade management where you are in a crowd and have several (or more) people to control?
5. What if they’re painted black?
6. If they are painted black, how does the number of people you need to control alter your behavior?
7. Are you more likely to wait if a harsher response is deemed necessary for there to be fewer witnesses, owing to facade management?
8. If you do determine you need to wait, can it be at any unspecified future time that you seek retribution?
9. Does it depend on the level of infraction they’ve committed? i.e. someone punching you gets a different response from them making a sarcastic comment about you?
10. Does the volume of previous infractions, regardless of time between their occurrence and the present, play a role?
11. Are you more likely to wait to punish them until they least expect it to be coming from you?
12. What sorts of situations make you more likely to want them to know, or at least suspect, that you’re behind it?
Thank you for your time, Sir.
HG, you have no idea how much your response hurts me. You take my caring and sweet nature to be arrogance, you state that my sending genuine and caring vibes your way is faux compassion? That is by far the highest insult you could ever send me. I know you are just wanting to fight and after reading your response, the only thing I want to do is to give you the biggest hug. You sound like you could do with a hug, a cup of tea and a lot of compassion. You have no idea how much it hurts to read how you feel that I am out to hurt you. Far from it. You are over thinking, over calculating and making me out to be something I am not. I know you have a heart colder than the Antarctica, but I don’t. My heart is continuously in the tropical climes. When I send you a kind thought or sweet sentiment, I mean it. You must be a nightmare to buy a Valentine’s Day card for. I can only imagine the interrogation your IPPS would get after sending you that, as well as what you think of a birthday card. Try to be a bit more open, you might like it. Accept kind sentiments when they are sent your way. By the way this might shock you, but I am actually quite a humble person, with the biggest heart of gold.
I have to admit, I did have a bit of a giggle at your last paragraph, that could be interpreted in all kinds of ways. It was great to see a bit of the sweet HG in that paragraph.
Oh HG, I am not looking for an argument with you and I will accept you correcting me in a humble manner. I never meant to get under your skin, and if truth be told, I wasn’t the only one who thought perhaps you and Shieldmaiden are no longer together. You did give that impression and a few of us picked up on it. If you and Shieldmaiden are together, I am delighted for you and if you are with a new IPPS, I am equally delighted for you. A happy HG means a great deal to many.
I am flying the white flag. Do you think you might accept it?
You continue to prove my points.
Again, I think we will have to agree to disagree. I wasn’t trying to argue, win points or win overall. You win if that is what you want. I have taken what you said and accept it. All of this from just making the comment of you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. Kindness is a virtue and well respected in my world.
And still you keep going as you “try not to win”.
Taking the high road. Talk soon.
By the way, have a fab weekend, I know I will.
Having to advertise that fact tells me otherwise.
*Gets out the popcorn*
I say: “Do not bite the hand that feeds you.” 🏳
TBS, no one is biting anyone here. Simply, one side wants to be understood (and is), and the other side casually, gently plucks a string that causes acoustic resonance.
However, we can learn something from this dialogue – Narcissus always pushes you to the most sensitive place. Don’t be fooled 🙂
One way or another you gained HG’s “attention” .. is this what it is all about, perchance? 🤔
DB, this conversation is so much like the one you and HG had in the Johnny Depp thread. Do you remember that one?
I have not been on narcsite as long as you have but i want to give you my perspective as a reader.
I do think you are very focused on personal relationships including HG’s. You are a love devotee and this comes out in many of your posts, where you hope that HG can settle into a normal life and love and be loved. It is a noble wish, but it is unrealistic, and you must know that. He is not built for that kind of relationship and is not particularly interested in finding that kind of relationship. Wishing it were so, or asking him to simply treat his partners well is not going to have an impact on how he functions. You must also know that.
Since he has been seeing his doctors, he has modified his approach and is now looking at ways to end relationships without resorting to the methods he might have once used – such as increasingly unpleasant devaluation strategies. He has been, I believe, developing his capacity to remove himself from relationships in the way that non narcissists do – with a series of respectful steps designed to mitigate the effects on the person who might be hurt by the break up. That he is doing this is commendable.
Whether his relationship continues or does not, it is not our business unless he chooses to talk about it. There is no advantage in being a super sleuth and working it out. I would consider it inappropriate to pry into someone’s relationship in real life, unless I was given signs that they wanted to share any information, and it’d be the same online, even with someone who has provided past details.
I don’t think you show false compassion. But perhaps as you are so invested in wanting relationships to function well you perhaps overlook that compassion can sometimes be just giving someone space to be, to go through whatever they may be going through in their own way, and wait till they share details and then, perhaps, discuss it as much as they seem to want to discuss it. If you miss these signs – that it’s not a topic that the other person wants to discuss – then adding more explanation will not help.
My advice (as an onlooker) would be to leave the topic of HG’s relationship be for a while. There will be other topics that are interesting on the blog. I would not just give this advice to you, btw, but to other readers as well – it’d be a general suggestion.
I hope you are feeling okay. I know that arguments feel stressful even when they also feel compelling and you want to say your piece. If you want to chat about this, I am happy to respond to you on this thread. If you’d rather not, I totally get that as well.
Thank you for your comment. I agree with what you have said. I also agree and think it is commendable that HG appears to be taking a different approach to aspects of his relationships and as I have said previously, it was never my intention, nor was I trying to pry into his relationship at all. I saw his comments on various other threads in response to other peoples questions regarding his relationship with Shieldmaiden, and his comments seemed, and came across to me and others as somewhat strained and slightly cold. That was my only reason for asking if he was okay, nothing else.
I agree with your advice and perhaps it would be best not to comment, or wear my heart on my sleeve after reading HG’s comments about his significant others. Sometimes, it does pain me and I am sure other people that read those comments as well. I always have to remind myself that he is coming from his perspective and I’m coming from mine. Both perspectives are poles apart.
I have had a few barneys (not something I’m proud of) with HG on this blog with regards to certain things that have been said. If I don’t agree with something, sometimes I will comment as such. I’ll be honest, sometimes there have been times that I thought he would ban me for being quite vocal in my comments, but he has not, he has argued his point and given brilliant advice of which, I am grateful to him for that. If it wasn’t for HG, there would be a lot of us still swimming in the abyss, desperately looking for a lifebuoy. But on the whole, I have nothing but the upmost respect for HG and for the incredible work that he does both here and on Youtube. He has helped me and other people immensely and there are not enough words to express thanks for that. I know he will be reading this and of course, I can only imagine what he will be thinking (and perhaps finding fault), but I am not trying to suck up to him or anything else. This comment is meant genuinely. Thank you again for your comment Annaamel.
This is actually quite fascinating; there are many examples here regarding what HG had taught us.
Triangulation: Other people, other comments, other threads, other other other
Blame shifting: “That was my only reason for asking if he was okay, nothing else.”
Pity play: “it does pain me” “ best not to comment, or wear my heart on my sleeve“
DB, I recognize that you are simply trying to explain your point of view, which is nearly impossible to do without having your words be categorized as narcissistic behaviors, even if that is genuinely not your intention.
Please know that my observations above are meant in an isolated manner, purely as an exercise in weaponization, and are not comments on your character.
Bit confused. Observation leading to applying the titles of Triangulation, Blame shifting, and Pity play (generally applied here to narcissists) isn’t a comment on character?
As HG has cautioned, we mustn’t come to conclusions based on the judgment of isolated incidents, but rather accumulative behavior over an extended period of time.
That’s what I was attempting to communicate by saying that my observations weren’t intended as a means to comment on DB’s personal potential at being a narcissist, but to use the statements alone as examples of narcissistic behavior.
Aaaaand in writing this, I’ve realized how ridiculous that sounds; In trying to not be judgy, I inadvertently became Judgy McJudgerson.
‘I always have to remind myself that he is coming from his perspective and I’m coming from mine. Both perspectives are poles apart.’
That is really the heart of it, DB.
Annaamel, you touched on something that I just have to chime in on because I’m feeling guilty and want to admit to my part in this whole discussion.
I had taken note of the switch in tone regarding HG’s ipps a loooong time ago, and I made a conscious choice not to comment because I believe in all the reasons you say here:
“Whether his relationship continues or does not, it is not our business unless he chooses to talk about it. There is no advantage in being a super sleuth and working it out. I would consider it inappropriate to pry into someone’s relationship in real life, unless I was given signs that they wanted to share any information, and it’d be the same online, even with someone who has provided past details.”
I feel protective regarding HG’s anonymity and what he chooses to share with us, and I don’t like ‘calling out’ clues about HG that I pick up on. (I’ve actually done it one time before and I regret that as well. I never learn.)
On a whim, I replied to DB’s comment about feeling bad for HG’s ipps with my observations.
The very next comment I read was the beginning of the exchange between HG and DB about not answering a question, I shit you not.
I thought to myself ‘fuuuuuuck’ because I did not want to get involved or throw fuel on that fire. The timing was purely coincidental.
I’d just like to put it on record that I agree with you, annaamel. Forcing a response about (or even just discussing) a subject the person is clearly hesitant to broach is distasteful and insensitive.
I’m sure these were not DB’s intentions, however.
Thank you for reading, and I apologize for making this topic extend any further than it has to.
Hi Kit Kat,
I can assure you that I have no “personal potential of being a narc”. To use comments I have made to exhibit narcissistic behaviour is a complete non entity. Based on what you say on “Triangulation, Pity Play and Blame Shifting”, it is clear that you have read HG’s work, and have applied it incorrectly to comments I have made in response to HG. You are making an insinuation on my character by what you have said, even though you say you aren’t. Interpretation is 9/10 of everything we do here, I get that, when I respond to a comment I am aware that everyone can read different things into it, you might see things one way, and someone else see it another. But I can assure you, in responding to HG on this thread, I was not triangulating, pity playing or blame shifting.
Noted. I have read HG’s work, but I am very new to it and feel like I’m fumbling around a bit. Like a calf finding it’s legs. I appreciate your patience with me as I learn.
Kitkat, just been reading through your comments on this thread and other threads. Certain things you have said, the way you have said them give me a faint whiff of curiosity. Do we by any chance know each other?
Like in a biblical sense?
“Since he has been seeing his doctors, he has modified his approach and is now looking at ways to end relationships without resorting to the methods he might have once used – such as increasingly unpleasant devaluation strategies. He has been, I believe, developing his capacity to remove himself from relationships in the way that non narcissists do – with a series of respectful steps designed to mitigate the effects on the person who might be hurt by the break up”
Can you please point me to where you found this information about modification of behaviour with regard to break ups? I am only aware that at one time HG was looking at more more pro- social behaviours, which can mean a number of things.
NA, I cannot, sorry. I don’t remember specifically where I read or heard it. My vague memory is that it came up in discussions with readers around the time he was finishing his relationship with, I think, Kim?
For example – an even higher level of manipulation 🙂
No Narcissist will give up negative fuel.
This blog is evidence to the contrary, Joa. Narcissists, if self aware and in the process of gaining more awareness and executive control over their narcissistic impulses, can and will.
Annamel, it’s just a blog. This is not real life.
Most Narcissists I know have an excellent level of control. I’ve known them for many years, I spend many hours a day with them. As a secondary non-intimate source, I only see “clearances”. I feel fury, but I don’t experience it directly. Control, pressure, manipulation – all on a veiled level, spread over time. The game is played, although it is invisible to many people.
We are third-sources on the blog. We can’t see much from this distance.
This blog is no proof.
My former boss was an excellent speaker, he could bring tears to the eyes of hundreds of gathered people, kidnap them to action and lead them behind him (although he really despised them, which he showed, for example, with the position of the body when sitting and many other signals).
However, years ago, he finally won my “heart”… with a few memoirs of the dead he wrote. I kept them all. Even I have never reached the level of such elegance, such high culture, such accurate observation/perception and reflecting the features of the deceased. He was able to evoke huge amounts of grieve, emotion in people, but also happiness and euphoria.
Unless he’s targeting someone or some institution…
He wrote brilliantly and had a great vocabulary. He wrote a lot, when he felt the need, although it was absolutely not related to his profession.
He would call me into his office and read each of his manuscripts (he always wrote with a fountain pen) to me, gauging my reactions. Sometimes he did it several times, before he finished the whole thing. He gave me his notes and allowed me to make any alterations. I corrected words, where he went too far. I corrected emotions, that could be “displayed” even more. He trusted me in this respect, accepted all my corrections. Sometimes he wouldn’t even read the revised versions, and I released them into the world without his permission (although nothing happened without his permission).
Annaamel, it’s just a blog. A collection of letters, that can show what you want and hide what you want.
He left hated, in the fumes of battle and roaring like a lion.
Those who “loved” him the most (and made a fortune from this “love”), now hate him the most and are the most “hurt”.
Thank you so much for saying this and saying it so kindly.
“I would consider it inappropriate to pry into someone’s relationship in real life, unless I was given signs that they wanted to share any information, and it’d be the same online, even with someone who has provided past details.”
“My advice (as an onlooker) would be to leave the topic of HG’s relationship be for a while. There will be other topics that are interesting on the blog. I would not just give this advice to you, btw, but to other readers as well – it’d be a general suggestion.”
“I am actually quite a humble person, with the biggest heart of gold”
Things I trust more than a person who advertises how “humble” and “kind” they are:
-Orthodox and Catholic priests
-A haircut from Edward Scissorhands
-Emails from a Nigerian prince
-Bill Clinton’s wedding vows
-Bill Cosby’s cocktails
-Meghan Markle’s sincerity
-Ray Comfort’s banana argument
Spoiler alert: If you have to advertise your “goodness” chances are it’s as non-existent as decent politicians and cheap duchy organic all-butter shortbread from Waitrose.
Hi Miss AGL Gryffindor,
Thank you for your comment. Perhaps you are new here and you might not have seen that I have commented here before, to the best of my recollection, I have never come across or read a comment from you before. Your name is a hard one to forget. I’ll be honest, I had typed a different response and then I deleted it. I am enjoying a fabulous Chablis, a slice of chocolate cake, in a jovial mood and your comment slightly lowered the tone. This might seem rude, but please note, that I mean this with the greatest of no offence intended, and I’m sure it will make no difference to you, considering your comment. I am a long time commentator on this blog and that has to be the most ridiculous and stupid comment that I have ever read here and believe me, I, along with other people have read some ‘rare’ and unwarranted comments here, usually insulting HG, which are completely uncalled for comments. But you have decided to question my answer to a comment made by HG, that was meant by me in a genuine and sincere manner, and stated as such. There is an old saying “if you have nothing good to say, then say nothing at all”. I wish you well.
ps Spoiler alert: manners cost nothing. Instead of buying cheap crap, you might want to spend a few extra quid on the good original traditional shortbread – Scottish Shortbread. It might soften your palate somewhat.
(I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I fucking admire HG’s patience!!!)
Your kind and lovely words changed my original opinion about you and now I no longer think that you are a condescending manipulative, fake-nice dum-dum, with the emotional intelligence of a toaster. Oh no. Now I know what a super-duper happy sweetheart you are and I enjoy talking to you as much as I enjoy talking to my mother. Thank you! Oh, thank you very much indeed for correcting me, teaching me proper superior manners™, and thank you for demonstrating so *clearly your sweet, humble, genuine, selfless, and benevolent nature! Frankly, I didn’t expect anything else from such a kind person™ like yourself and please, make no mistake… *I can see you:)
There is an old saying that goes: “Sana sana, colita de rana, si no sanas hoy sanarás mañana”. There’s is another one saying: “Ti eixame ti hasame, psoleo se xehasame”. And last but not least: “Never wrestle with pigs… you both get dirty and the pig likes it.” (*I need to remember this one!:))
No further comment will be made aka no further fuel will be provided.
Holy shit, I’m screaming, can we be best friends???
Miss AGL Gryffinder, It’s quite clear your Mummy Dearest didn’t teach you any manners and I think HG, will need a lot more than sheer patience to explain to you, and try to get you to understand what manners are. You know, I feel sorry for you. It is quite clear that you do not love yourself. You have certainly shown to all of us, that you also have no respect for yourself. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad. On the contrary. But we are all here for you, to help you on your journey, that you quite clearly still have not started. We can all teach you the proper and appropriate way to be a woman, who presents herself in a gracious, non aggressive manner. A woman who holds herself with dignity, integrity, and class. It is quite clear this is going to be a tough, and lonnnnnnnnng drawwwwwwwwn out process, but there is never a better time to start than now. Imagine, this time next year when you look in the mirror, you will finally be happy and proud at the what you see looking back at you. You will finally be able to hold your head up high and say “I’m a proper, dignified woman”. With a shed load of work you will get there. For goodness sake, you are old enough to know better, stop playing about in pig sh!t, leave the farm animals alone. They have done nothing to you. They are innocent and sweet and do not need to be corrupted by you. We are all here for you.
I don’t live my life looking for fuel, but, it is quite clear you do.
Miss AG, your response had me laughing, good to read it, thank you! 🙂
It’s interesting, how different our reactions are.
For me – on the contrary, such statements rather make me sad.
A pointless jostling, that leads nowhere.
I understand your perception. I have read what has been exchanged in the previous, now, nearly 3 years on being here (KTN blog).
Dear Kit Kat, you made me smile!!:’)) YES, please!!:) xx
Dear Asp Emp, I’m very happy that I made you laugh:’) xx
Dear Joa, I see your point and I actually agree with you! I knew it was absolutely pointless, but I couldn’t resist! (I’m sorry I made you sad) x
Calm down, these are not abysses of sadness, but rather a momentary little mist.
Sometimes everyone goes too far and wastes energy unnecessarily 🙂
I don’t have to look far – today at work I said something very stupid – although I knew it was stupid and that it was a mistake and even hesitated for a two seconds – but I couldn’t stop the desire for momentary satisfaction 🙂 Thus I lost a big bullet – argument for the future and now it will come to me pay for it. I will be black again. And such an idyll has already begun 🙂
Indeed, sometimes I should have taped my mouth shut. 10 seconds of satisfaction and I fucked it all up, ha ha ha 🙂
And I’m starting over again… 🙂
Miss AGLG, I ‘snuffled’ at your second response 😉
First of all, I am sorry that you had a challenging day at work. I hope things work out for you, in the best way possible! x
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote! I was actually nodding the whole time while reading your words!!:)
The best policy it’s always no contact, and no provision of fuel, and in my personal life I am following these rules. And yet sometimes, when someone crosses a boundary of mine (or someone’s I care about) or when someone disrespects someone I respect, it’s still hard for me to not engage/to not say “back the fuck off now”:)
At my workplace, (I am managing two roles/positions- the second part of my job duties requires me to interact with people), I experience narcissists sporadically, only as clients, in very small doses, and some days (thankfully, not always) even that minor interaction can be triggering and/or too much for me, mostly because I no longer have tolerance for douchebaggery!:) Yesterday I almost lost my patience with a see-you-next-Tuesday client (Lesser!) who was insisting that “A” was not “A” and was “Y and Z-blue-biscuits-unicorns” (*internal facepalm!) I managed to keep my cool, I kept my mouth shut (No tape was required:p) and I even avoided eye contact… but when she left I was fucking fuming! My boss (Normal!), whom I adore and respect dearly, was laughing and he said to me: “AGL, you need to calm the fuck down. Idiots will always be idiots. Accept that, do not engage and move on!” and he was 100% right! After a while, I started laughing at myself and I was like: “AGL, you weirdo! Suck it up! Narc clients are better than narc colleagues or/and a narc boss! Stop complaining!” …and then I bought myself an iced caramel macchiato and things were def better:)
(I’m sorry for the fucking essay:) ) xx
Dear Asp Emp,
I’m sending you a telepathic hug:) xx
Miss AGL, thank you for that 🙂
Apart from the content of this below dialogue, the motives of the interlocutors and the assessment of the statements, I must write about myself again:
My gosh, it will never end! Familiar interjections used by HG, although heard from other mouth, caused me to immediately straighten up like a meerkat, smile and begin to smell … pleasant excitement. And in my body, warm impulses began to slowly circulate, as if someone had turn on a light chain to a Christmas tree, ha ha ha 🙂
What a bizarre nature, I was endowed with…
The worse – the better.
And too good – means bad.
HG, your mum is the same as you, and her relationship with your father has lasted a long time. I understand about the prime aims etc., but, why do you view relationships differently from your mum and yet you are both of the same cloth (so to speak). Perhaps you have found the female version of your Dad in Shieldmaiden. I was just wondering. I know you have your differences with your Mum, and that you were married before, and that you have also been single before. Are you someone that needs to be in a relationship to in a sense feel complete (you don’t seem to me to be like that, and I know you, you won’t answer this question, but I was wondering and had to ask).
I was going to answer you, but then you wrote “I know you, you won’t answer the question” and I would hate to disappoint you, so I am not going to answer your question.
Actually, it is because I am irritated by anybody writing “you won’t answer this” or “I dare you to post this”.
Duchessbea, HG is a psychopathic Narcissist – he is not immune to boredom. Can change IPPS like a pair of socks.
“Salvation” can only be jumping between people in the matrix (time intervals) and various activities/tasks – to keep “freshness” for as long as possible.
“I know you” – is rather dubious.
I’m also curious about HG’s answer.
Question from me:
HG has the devaluation of the current IPPS already started or is underway?
I agree with what you say. HG and his Mum have similar personality traits and I also saw a response from HG to a question in the last two weeks in reference to Shieldmaiden, and it was quite a cold response referring to Shieldmaiden, whereas previously HG would respond like he as singing from the rooftops, and I was also wondering if HG has placed Shieldmaiden in devaluation or if she has been discarded. There has been a subtle change in the tone of some of HG’s responses particularly regarding Shieldmaiden. Either way I hope she is doing well.
Really gets to you when I won’t tell you things doesn’t it? You deem it cold whereas you have no entitlement to receive an answer and not providing you with one is not cold. Have you considered that I choose not to convey information to you because it is you, not the information?
HG, I only said how I felt and it did feel like your tone had lowered somewhat very recently. I know what you are, and sometimes you can come across as quite jovial and I’m sure other people would agree. You can have great wit and banter with all of us. You quite clearly are out of sorts at the moment, I’m not going to pry. But whatever is going on with you, I hope you will be okay.
HG, I wasn’t trying to irritate you, on the contrary, I merely said that in case you didn’t want to respond, as it is your personal life I was asking about. I was not trying to annoy you at all. As I was asking about your private life, and I am aware that you might not like or want to discuss anything to do with you family or private life that was the only reason I said that, not to annoy you but in case you didn’t want to comment on your personal family life, you wouldn’t have to. I didn’t mean to irritate you, I just didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, and if you did feel uncomfortable by my asking, then by all means you wouldn’t have to answer. I feel bad now that you were annoyed by a different part of the question and not by the actual question that I was asking. So, in future, I will refrain from putting anything like that in the dialogue box. Thank you for the fact that you were going to answer the question.
ps. for a narc psych, you are a little be tetchy. I mean no offence in saying this and I am not trying to fight with you, but just saying non the less. I am thinking that quite possibly, you are going through a bit of a hard time in your private life at the moment, as you seem to not be your usual jovial self. So, I hope you are okay with whatever is going on and doing well.
Do keep your condescending comments about my private life to yourself, your faux compassion does not fool me.
If you think I have a jovial self, you really have not paid attention.
HG, my comments were in no way condescending. I was in no way prying into your private life, I was just wondering about something and addressed the question to you. I even suggested you didn’t have to answer. The sheer gall of you to suggest that I have faux compassion. I would never waste my time and energy on faux compassion. I genuinely and sincerely meant what I said and I wouldn’t have said it unless I cared. You are spoiling for a fight. You are riling where there is no riling needed. Like you, I can bring it, just as good if not better than you if I so choose, but in this case, I will not resort to getting into a tet at tet with you. Something is up with you over these last few days. I won’t even surmise as to what. As Michelle Obama said ‘you take the high road when they take the low road’. I wish you well and whatever is going on with you, I hope you will be okay. (I also mean that genuinely too).
But, before I finish I will say this, you need to stop being so paranoid and question and query everything. I know that is in your makeup to do so, but perhaps you need to turn over a new page and begin a new chapter and start being more open minded and accept some people are, and can be genuinely lovely and caring and when they express compassion to, or about you, accept it and don’t throw it back to them. I mean that genuinely and compassionately too. Decency costs nothing. You know, you can be absolutely great and other times, my gosh – no words. Best and sending you much love, DB (You might decide to block me after saying that, but someone needed to tell you, and again I mean that in a genuine and caring manner too).
1. Your comments were condescending, saying I was being tetchy and that there was evidently something difficult going on in my private life. You know nothing about that and to think you do demonstrates your arrogance.
2. There is no gall in me stating you exhibit faux compassion, it is based on your behaviour, i.e. evidence.
3. No, I am not spoiling for a fight, I am correcting you.
4. “I can bring it, just as good, if not better than you if I so choose” – ah, the misplaced bravado and arrogance drips from you.
5. “I will not resort to getting into a tet a tet with you.” – proceeds to do precisely that exhibiting your hypocrisy.
6. “Something is up with you over these last few days” – nonsense.
7. “I wish you well” and then engages in precisely the opposite lecturing me. Your final paragraph just demonstrates how condescending you are.
8. “You might decide to block me” – you do not matter enough to do that, which I know will come as crushing news to you.
By the way, if you like I can come and abuse you but I will do it in a genuine and caring manner.
HG’s mum probably sent his dad to an early grave. Not particularly romantic.
Narcissists don’t love. They use.
They have relationships to fulfil their prime aims. They want fuel, they want residual benefits and character traits from others. Intimate relationships is a fast track to these things.
In their heart of hearts they are always completely separate from the people they are with. They don’t connect or attach. Unaware narcissists may believe they are attached but deep down they’re not – they can only care about themselves.
These are not relationships to idealise.