Knowing the Narcissist : Protection
I am just a baby in your arms. I am fragile, brittle and vulnerable. You see I was broken when I was so, so young. I did not know any different and all I wanted was to be told that I was good. I did everything I could to please them but it was never deemed enough. I don’t know why I could not make them love me but it just did not happen. Perhaps if I had tried harder. I know it is my fault really but I did not know any better. They took something from me, I still do not know what it really is, but I think you do. I think you hold the answer because of who you are.
I try to be a good person, I really do but there is just something that stops me from being that decent and compassionate person. I see what you and people like you do and I cannot help but wish I was the same. Sometimes I want it so much it makes me do things I should not do because I cannot control the jealousy that rises and makes me do those Bad Things. Believe me, I fight against it but I have not had the strength to defeat the wickedness but I have you now don’t I?
You will shield me and give me the fortitude I require to complete my journey to redemption. Everything that has happened before was borne out of me lacking you. Those things that I have done, well, I am not proud of them but I was weak and knew no better. I did not have you to lead and guide me. The others, you see, those others promised me that they would take care of me but they were just pretenders and charlatans who took from me and left me twisted and beaten in the dust.
Sometimes I had to fight back. That was when I struck out at them. I did not want to, truly I did not want to do those things, but sometimes I was given no choice. I know all that has gone now because you are here. You are the person I have waited for for so long. I believe in you and how you can save me. You are my caretaker, my salvation and my rock. I look to you and you give me such hope. You show me that there is a better way, a road that leads to salvation.
It is a road that will take me away from the Badlands and the darkness. I understand the road may be long, it may wind through difficult places but ultimately, with you holding my hand, I know that I will reach that place where I need not be afraid any longer. I need not hurt and lash out but instead I can harness the real goodness that is somewhere deep inside me.
You told me that it is there and I believe you. You know about these things. That is the way you have been made. You are the carer, the healer and the peacemaker. You must understand why it is that you are so special to me. You are the only one who truly understands what is to be me and you are the only one who can save me.
I will place my heart in your hands and let you care for it. I have been broken, I have been broken for far too long, a shattered and fractured creature who has had to endure living this way without any hope of redemption, until you came along. Please, make me a better person. Please care for me and nurse me and hold my hand when the demons come. I look to you and only you and in those optimistic eyes of yours I find absolution.
All I want is to be loved. It is not too much to ask is it. I am a noble yet broken person and you hold the power to make me what I want to be, what I should be. I am like a baby in your arms. I am vulnerable yet with you there anything becomes possible. I know you will love me, care for me and protect me. You will save me. You are the only one.
You fall for this speech.
Every time.
69 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Protection”
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Ah, there it is. All you have to do is wait a bit. Never disappoints.
I was too hasty in my assumptions.
Allow me to rephrase as questions, not statements.
If someone was to fully know and understand you, would they like what they see?
Is there anything TO see?
Don’t narcissists exist purely as reflections, their true selves annihilated by the narcissism, as the defense mechanism takes over?
Is there a core ‘you’? One that is unchanging and definable?
Has anyone ever ‘seen’ you, and if so, who?
Thank you, I love learning from you.
Whether they like it or not is a matter for them, people like many varied instances.
Yes, there is plenty to see.
The true self exists, it has not been annihilated, it has been relegated because, as you state, the defence mechanism has taken over.
Yes.
No.
If I may take a moment to acknowledge how much time and consideration you put into answering my (and our) questions.
I can tell you thoroughly contemplate your reply, and your effort does not go unnoticed.
It is very much appreciated.
You are welcome.
https://narcsite.com/2023/10/02/knowing-the-narcissist-protection-2/comment-page-1/#comment-449935
HG, I see exactly what you mean as your explanation supports why such safe-guarding is required.
What a pity play from Senseeeei! Eeeew! 🤮🤮🤮 Who falls for that sh…💩? Whenever you hear such a boo-hoo story RUN!! Run for the hills and never look back!
Absolutely agree.
Leela_Z couldn’t have said it better myself. I agree.
Leela,
“Who falls for that sh**?”
When I first read this post, my thoughts were that if a narcissist said things in such a clear and open way, the words would not be believed or accepted. The pity-play is so obvious that any adult would run for the hills.
Then I thought more about it.
A narcissist doesn’t say things and manipulate with such clear words or with such a ‘speech’. A narcissist uses love-bombing, blame-shifting, gaslighting, guilt, etc. Their manipulations are done slowly and in ways that are difficult to explain clearly to someone else. There is also a grain of truth in what they say even though it’s a manipulation.
Also, consider the relationship between a parent and small child. The parent uses love-bombing, guilt and pity-plays to manipulate the child. The child has nowhere to run. The child depends on the parent for survival. The child doesn’t know anything about narcissism and doesn’t have the cognitive maturity to resist the parent’s manipulations. The child needs the parent’s love and attention and wants to stay close to the parent.
On this blog, there have been comments about the MOTHER-BABY DYAD. This is a biological need all babies have at birth. The mother and baby form a dyad, which is another word for a two-person relationship. This dyad is necessary for babies to survive. In the first three years, a baby’s brain is very vulnerable and adapts to the mother’s behaviours. This happens so that the baby remains in the dyad and close to the mother.
A baby’s brain starts developing even before birth. There are hormones like cortisol and adrenalin that pass from the mother’s body to the baby through the umbilical cord. A baby can be naturally more reactive or less reactive because of genetics and also because of the mother’s stress levels, diet, exercise, emotions, etc.
When I think about the way babies develop before birth and adapt after birth to stay close to their mothers, it’s not surprising that there are people with all kinds of personalities.
The instincts and conditioning that develop before birth and in the first nine years of life are strong and by that time, as people have said here on the blog, ‘the cake is baked’.
When you say, “who falls for that sh**?”, it’s not as simple as saying “run for the hills”. If it was that easy, the “hills” would be as overpopulated as the rest of world and people would be saying, “run for the capital cities!” instead, haha 😂
Absolutely true! Yeah, “Who falls for that sh*t?” is in fact the perspective of an “experienced” Empath. I´m an ACON. I know just TOO well, how it is to grow up with a Narc-parent! An Empath who is ACON may or may not do research and learn about NPD. Those who do not, indeed may fall for that “sh*T”
Leela,
With that kind of logic, how would you explain the experienced empaths here on the blog who have learned from HG and have done the research and know about the manipulations and *still* say they would be happy or excited to meet him, or have their hip knocked out by him? Or those who happily and proudly say they ‘belong’ to HG?
I think it’s not as simple or straightforward as falling for a boo hoo story. It’s possible to learn and research and know the signs, however, the conditioning and instinctive reactions are not that easy to change, even when empaths actually want to change them.
There is no boo hoo story here.
HG,
My comment to Leela is meant to illustrate a point in relation to empaths having researched and learned about narcissism and still having emotional thinking.
It’s about narcissists in general rather than about you in particular. I am aware that you do not portray yourself as a victim or have a boo hoo story.
I acknowledge the clarification.
WiserNow: I don’t think HG acts like a narcissist on this blog. Maybe that’s why he is the Ultra. I don’t see him manipulating, blameshifting, gas lighting, love bombing etc… HG has been open and honest about receiving fuel from us. Honest. Hardly a narc trait. HG is described as professional and I would say attentive which appears caring even though he honestly says he does not. Again, wow. Honest. I am not aware of any physical, emotional or physiological abuse here. In fact, he puts up with a lot ( sorry HG). So, whoever he is in his personal life he has cognitively put it in check. He does nothing but educate and help others. Now I personally believe it’s a light shown through the darkness but that is my own private personal belief as I don’t think he does it alone. Why does he have 100,000 million viewers, I think it’s his education and AUTHENTICITY. You can’t fake that, you can’t buy it and if you do, you will end up a huckster, another con. HG is not that man.
Re: empaths here open to HG: danger fetish, paired w/other attributes of him many desire. From what I see below, HG will use his childhood, or a version of it, but not sink to the mid-range boohoo speech in the post. Like you said earlier, many narcs won’t be so blatant w/pity plays.
Dear WiserNow,
I read with interest your thoughts and I am happy to share that I am one who is owed by HG.
I have never heard any sob story or as HG would say, pity party from him and I have been following him for over six years now.
I have learned a great deal from him regarding both narcissists and myself as an empath and while I have to walk amongst the narcissists in this world, I will never dance with one again.
HG only shares his childhood story for two reasons as I see it, as an example of the lack of control environment to educate us and as a response for our curiosity when he is asked those kind of questions.
I do not class myself as a stupid person but I am addicted to HG and I would meet him should the opportunity arise, and I would certainly partake in a little bit of ‘knocking the hip out’.
The attraction for me is his intelligence, strength, courage, charisma and humour.
He suffered as a child but he does not make an issue of it, instead he has courageously obtained the strength to move on with his life in a positive manner, he deserves nothing but respect.
With regard to the fact that he is a narcissistic psychopath I address this as follows:
1. HG did not ask to be a narcissist, his childhood was taken away by the abuse that he suffered and as a consequence of that he became a narcissist, a child’s disruptive behaviour is their coping mechanism, and as an adult HG’s narcissism is his coping mechanism, regardless of the fact that he is an aware narcissist, it is still the narcissism controlling his behaviour.
Why, as a society do we forgive people who lash out at others because of autism or dementia and excuse their behaviour due to their condition but a narcissist’s behaviour is unacceptable and cannot be tolerated, HG has been honest about what he is and while he has not been honest with those who know him personally, I can only suggest that it is to protect himself, people judge, unfairly psychopaths probably due to the lack of knowledge, I too once judged them unfairly until HG explained the world through his eyes, now I feel compassion, not for what they do but because I understand more about how they function, for the most of them it is not the act of hurting someone or something but the curiosity of ‘what if’ along with the need to stop the boredom… imagine living every day like that 😟
2. I have recently realised that I have been surrounded by narcissists for the whole of my life, and after my last entanglement with one I really have no desire for a relationship ever again, while I have my lonely moments, I am not lonely, I have good friends, family, a job I love, a roof over my head and no financial worries. I am by no means delusional, I know that I will never be HG’s IPPS or even IPSS but I can quench my addiction safely with HG as it is highly unlikely that I will ever get to meet him, (sorry HG if you feel used and abused 😉)
WiserNow, I agree with everything that you said, I just wanted to share my perspective to enable others to hopefully understand why I feel this way.
I do understand that not everyone is going to agree with me about this and I am courteous enough to respect others opinions so please do not be disrespectful about mine, I am simply sharing for your understanding.
Thank you HG for the opportunity to share such thoughts.
Sending you love ❤️ xxx
Wiser, as H.G. himself explains it: The addiction!! The emotional thinking! I cannot understand those fellow-empaths either, but emotional thinking and the addiction to narcissists can be a good explanation. I don´t know in which context they wrote those things, but it can also be just humor 🤷♀️
Contagious, Carole, and Leela,
Thank you for your comments.
I would like to direct this one reply to all of you because it addresses the points you have all made.
Firstly, my comments here which were replies to Leela’s initial comment *were not* and I would like to stress *were not* about HG.
If you read my comments again – and I hope that you do with a broader mindset that encompasses narcissism in general and the reasons people are ensnared by narcissists – you will hopefully see that the points I was making again, WERE NOT about HG.
My points were about:
– The Mother-Baby Dyad
– Childhood conditioning
– Manipulations that are not as straightforward as a “boo-hoo story”
– Emotional thinking
– Changes that are difficult to make even when an empath has researched and learned about narcissism.
I *was not* being disrespectful to HG. I *was not* being disrespectful to anyone else.
I feel that I am disrespected and judged and I am sick and tired of it. I read comments like yours and I question how and why you jump to conclusions and feel the need to be defensive about HG without reading the full context of my comments.
I also question why you are gung-ho about explaining to me over and over and over again how wonderful HG is while comments like “who falls for that sh**?” are said without anyone considering how they affect readers who may be ensnared or in recovery from being ensnared.
It surprises me that you are so quick to jump to HG’s defence and write long explanations about HG’s childhood yet you don’t seem to have any regard or curiosity for how to better understand early childhood development in general and how narcissism and abuse can be minimised so that fewer people become narcissists or conditioned to fall for the so-called “boo hoo stories”.
I understand that you are grateful to HG. I understand that HG has helped you. For your information, HG has helped me too.
Please read my comments again and please try to take yourselves and your appreciation for HG out of the picture while reading.
Thank you.
I don’t think any of these three women disrespected or judged you in this thread, WiserNow.
Leela and Contagious were simply posting their opinions and thoughts. They are probably dipping in and out of multiple threads as they read the blog and may not want to think too deeply about everything that’s written. You’re naturally very analytical but not everyone will read or use the blog in that way.
Carole was responding to you directly because you’d alluded to her when you made a comment about hip knocking and owning. She may have felt a need to defend herself and this involved defending her perspective on HG.
Thank you for acknowledging the clarification, HG.
„and I would certainly partake in a little bit of ‘knocking the hip out’“ —
and as we know; Hips Don’t Lie ;))
…
I never really knew that she could dance like this (hey)
She make HG wants to speak Spanish
¿Cómo se llama? (Sí), bonita (sí)
Mi casa, su casa (Carole, Carole)
😘
Wiser now: So sorry if I offended you in my response. I respect your post and was only going after content but I should have been more considerate of you. I don’t see my response as defending HG against you and I think you made a valid point! I was just responding to some content. You would not be here offering valid intelligent comments if others offended you. For my unintentional part, I am sorry! I hope in the future I am more careful! Hugs!
WiserNow and anyone else who is also interested in why HG might have a following who is seemingly smitten with him 🙂
Firstly, I am not suggesting HG is a serial killer (a self-professed serial abuser – yes) – I use only for the purpose of possible connections in relation to the behavior.
I am rather of the opinion that it would have some connection to hybristophilia. We see many women attracted to and profess love for high-profile killers and serial killers in prison. Despite murdering and raping many Ted Bundy had many fans. The child killer Charles Schmid married one such woman in prison.
Powerful, high profile and wealthy men (which HG may or may not be in reality – the perception is there regardless), are always going to get attention from the opposite sex. Throw in danger and such – yeah.
Whilst I am not one of these women (just not my cup of tea), we (empaths) have differences = ie the different schools and such.
It would be interesting if there was a link between a specific group of empaths and this behavior – now that I would love to know HG? (pretty please with sugar on top) 🙂
Hi Contagious,
Thank you for your reply, and thank you also for the apology. I appreciate what you have said.
We are all here to read, discuss and learn, and that includes learning about ourselves and others. I am grateful that this forum exists and that it makes it possible for us to do that.
Hugs to you too 🙂
Mr. Tudor–
1. Is this (or a variant on this) a speech that you personally give to your IPPS or something more common amongst a different school of narcissist?
2. When is this speech typically given within the relationship? Part of the ensnarement, golden period?
3. How much of your personal history do your IPPSs usually know/get to know?
4. Have your IPPSs always known your real name or have you had some that have only known you by an alias?
Thank you so much for your time, sir. Much appreciated.
1. This is not written from my perspective, it is from the perspective of a different school.
2. Seduction.
3. Very little. I usually feed them a legend.
4. Some have only known me by an alias.
Thank you so much for all the answers, Sir. Much appreciation.
Regarding: “Very little. I usually feed them a legend.”
1. Including when they ask about your childhood?
2. Is is roughly speaking the same legend for all your IPPSs or have you changed and embellished it as you’ve moved to the next?
3. Have you completely changed the story between different IPPSs?
4. Do you think the need to feed them a legend is related to your psychopathy and narcissism equally? (You’re amused by telling lies (psychopathy) and you make yourself even more impressive than you already are (narcissism).)
5. Have any of them ever figured out the legend was a lie?
Regarding: “Some have only known me by an alias.”
6. Has this been due to your profession?
7. Is there any greater/reduced chance of exes who don’t know your real name of being hoovered vs those who do?
Thank you so much for your time, sir. Much appreciated!
1. Yes.
2. They are different.
3. See 2.
4. Psychopathy (playing games) narcissism (control – you do not give yourself away)
5. No.
6. No.
7. No.
Thank you so much for answering, sir.
Regarding your IPPSs not knowing much about your childhood.
1. Does that mean that those empaths you’ve known since childhood tend to be relegated to getting no higher than IPSS in general, unless they are a former IPPS at this time?
2. How do you keep all the stories straight for who has been told what?
From answer to K@ below:
“…but rather the risk that they would utilise such information (if provided details of my true identity and what comes with that) in a way to seek to compromise me, given their status.”
3. How high status are these empaths who’ve been chosen as HG’s IPPSs? (I recall you saying, “no poor girls for HG.”)
4. Are there are generic qualifiers for IPPS beyond: no poor girls, empath (preferably magnet super), and beautiful?
5. Have the majority of your IPPSs after completing your education been women of significant standing who provide you with substantial amounts of information?
6. What kind of details would come with knowing your true identity? (if possible to share anything vague?) I know, “The battle is won before it’s fought.” But what consequences could result from them having known your real identity?
7. Have you lived substantial amounts of time utilizing only a single alias? Or are you most frequently utilizing multiple aliases?
Thank you so much for your time. Much appreciated.
1. Not necessarily.
2. That is why I am the Ultra.
3. They are not epsilon semi-morons form the gutter.
4. See Sitting Target.
5. Some.
6. I am not answering that.
7. Multiple.
Thank you so much for answering.
Regarding: “That is why I’m the Ultra.” — That’s just another of the many things that impresses me about you, sir.
1. When selecting your IPPS, do the prime aims have a ranking of how important they are?
2. If yes to 1, what is the ranking of most important to least?
3. If yes to 1, are their factors that shift the balance? e.g. fuel is the most important. Have you ever decided to go for someone a little more reluctant to give copious amounts of fuel because of residual benefits?
When you took Sophie out the first time (rescued her from HW’s boringness), you mentioned that you were letting her tell you about her childhood, so you would later be able to pinpoint weaknesses to better manipulate her.
4. Do you treat most people this way when you first meet them? Letting them talk and listening (not to be caring but because of what it can do for you)?
5. Is that something you do with most/all people, whether the end goal is sexual or not?
6. Are you concocting your legend as you listen and fitting yourself into the shape that they are looking for?
7. Are there key background story elements that clue you in to whether the victim is more susceptible to you playing “edgy, dark and daring” vs. “valiant knight riding into battle?”
Regarding aliases:
8. If there is a bar/restaurant/etc where you are likely to see a substantial number of people who know you under one alias, do you agree to meet a friend/candidate IPPS/IPSS there if they suggest it but they know you by a different name than that which would be likely to come up in that place?
Thank you so much for your time, sir. Much appreciated.
What factors determine if they get a legend, or a version closer (albeit, still disingenuous) to your everyday identity and persona?
The level of risk associated with that particular individual knowing about my true identity.
Risk in what way? As far as exposure?
Well naturally exposure plays a part in terms of them being exposed to my true identity, but rather the risk that they would utilise such information (if provided details of my true identity and what comes with that) in a way to seek to compromise me, given their status.
1. Given repeated use of aliases, different backstories, reluctance to share personal history and information, don’t you ever want an IPPS to truly know and understand you?
2. Do you want to be known /understood but not by an IPPS?
3. Do you want to be known /understood at all ?
4. Is it the inability of the psychopath to experience trust that influences your answers to my first three questions?
5. In terms of staving off boredom would allowing yourself to be known / understood not make romantic relationships more interesting for you?
6. In terms of fuel turning stale, would allowing yourself to be known/ understood help to prevent that occurring?
Only if you have time. Thank you HG.
1. No.
2. No.
3. Only in the wider sense of my kind and the removal of misinformation, but I have no compulsion for me as an individual to be understood as it does not add anything for me.
4. No.
5. No, they would become sickeningly tedious.
6. It might elongate the period of freshness but would not eradicate the ultimate arrival at staleness.
Thank you for responding HG. Two points to clarify my understanding please.
1. With reference to “sickeningly tedious”, is this because being known/ understood would prevent amusement garnered through the playing of games / would reduce opportunity for manipulation?
Secondly, with reference to being known/ understood possibly elongating a period of fuel “freshness” is this because you anticipate that an IPPS would endeavour not to threaten control and would provide more praise and admiration intentionally if she knew / understood you better?
Thank you HG.
I find the concept of itself boring.
Yes.
Do you know /understand yourself?
Yes
You are well-acquainted with yourself, and therefore have nothing to gain from someone else knowing/understanding you.
There’s no benefit that you don’t already have, or aren’t able to attain.
It would be imprudent and unnecessary.
Likewise, it’s doubtful that the experience would provide a positive outcome for the recipient of this familiarity.
I’d wager the few who have been afforded a glimpse were only allowed to do so because their retirement from the earth was imminent.
I may not know or understand ya, but I necrophilia.
Mr. Tudor–
TS: “In terms of staving off boredom would allowing yourself to be known / understood not make romantic relationships more interesting for you?”
HG: “No, they would become sickeningly tedious.”
1. Do you think if they were more understanding of/fully understood your psychopathology, it would result in more difficulty getting the negative fuel when you need it?
2. Do you think it would be more difficult to get an IPPS to stick with you if they loved you before you told them the truth of what you are?
3. Have any of your IPPSs ever realized that you’re playing games with them?
Thank you so much for your time. Much appreciated.
1. Initially but I would prevail.
2. No.
3. Yes.
Hi HG,
I have read the questions and awnsers given with great Interest. I only have one question and hope you do not mind my asking and that you do not feel inundated with such inquisitiveness.
My question is = do you begin the relationship looking forward to the initial positive fuel – or are your thoughts already focused on how to achieve the negative fuel?
Many thanks
I am anticipating the positive fuel.
Thank you HG 🙂
The inadvertent infantilization narcissists silently devalue themselves with is interesting. Yes, putting yourself in the role of quasi-child/protect-ee draws an impulse to provide care from others and this gives a fluttering tickle of sinister satisfaction when paired with the knowledge that the narcissist is the predator in this context. Not experiencing a self-perception of disdain for presenting themselves as so vulnerable, so exposed, so meek is peculiar. I suppose they’d project that outward anyhow, though, shifting blame and responsibility as well as any confrontation with the reality of their own reflection. That’s everyone else’s problem, so it seems. Any means to achieve their end is worthwhile. They have to believe this invariably works, of course. It’s part of the grander delusion. Or design, depending on if you’re seeing from the inside rather than the outside.
HG is really a perfect actor to play the victim role searching for his female savior. And he is also perfect in playing the accuser and the judge. And as HG Tudor he is our savior.
It is called the drama triangle
Not the victim.
“You see I was broken when I was so, so young”
Isn’t that what a victim says?
Depends on who is saying it. In some instances that would be used as a Pity Play, in other instances it might just be an expression of fact.
Hello Grace,
I would have to disagree with you regarding HG playing the victim, while he has told his story as a child it has been for two reasons as far as I can see:
firstly to explain his lack of control environment during his childhood, which relates to the narcissism he educates us about
secondly because we repeatedly ask those kinds of questions, wanting to know more about HG and his life and he simply answers them
I have been following HG now for six years and I cannot think of a single time that I have heard HG use a pity play or seek in any way to gain sympathy, in fact if I remember correctly HG has said that he does not want sympathy.
I think that your suggestion of him playing the victim was cruel and harsh, HG did suffer as a child but he has grown into a courageous man who has shown great strength and determination to overcome his abuse.
The first sentence really tells you everything you need to know. Do you want a baby or a man?
I want to give.
Whatever form this speech takes–whether through actions or words–it touches me because it makes me feel we can understand each other. I suppose they use it as a type of mirroring of me in a way sometimes. It could be that my own narcissistic traits love a reflection of myself, no matter how distorted. I feel broken and it’s comforting to believe that someone else understands this.
I need to give myself away. I need to be supportive. I need to help. I need to worship. I need to sacrifice. I need to provide sustenance. For me, this speech can come from a man or a woman, just so long as I believe I’m being invited to be good, to do good. It distracts me from my own loneliness and sense of degeneracy. I’m always seeking the road to salvation.
I suppose I’m also guilty of using them as well. In the back of my mind I know it isn’t real, but I participate in both of us lowering ourselves to get what I need. I don’t fully know.
So, yes I should know better. And in the light of day I do know better. But whether I do the best thing and close my ears or whether I listen, I still ache. At least if I listen I get the heights and I get lifted off the ground. For a time.
Then I get cast from heaven. Again. But it was exquisite.
May I ask: Are you a Co-dependent?
I’m a submissive and a masochist. Performing service and being subjugated are essential to me. Being owned and controlled turns me on.
Hi Allison: it is cool how varied this site is!
Yeah, why not? Sometimes this indeed can be fun (but for me not always).
May I assume that you´re an ACON (adult child of a narcissist?). We tend to repeat our upbringing. I can enjoy being controlled, just to have a little break from my everyday life, carrying everybodies 💩💩💩! 😉 It can be enjoyable sometimes, but not 24/7 for me.
Few kink dynamics are as mutually gratifying as that of a sadistic Dom or Domme and their very own masochist service submissive.
Your POV is relatable. Switch, here, albeit sub-leaning. Needing, if only in a sense, to be controlled and wholly subjugated is a hell of an experience.
Hi Leela_Z and Contagious,
I was raised by a woman who wasn’t my mother. I’m sure she was a narcissist. She was truly abusive in every way, she had notorious behaviors, her fury was palpable, she could be charming, she was an ace manipulator, she complained of being neglected if I didn’t appease her at all times, lies were like breathing, and she had no soul. If she wasn’t a narcissist, she was an excellent substitute.
There are many professionals who have worked overtime to pinpoint the source of the sort of proclivities I have. As with anything with personality I’m sure it’s a mix of aspects of my upbringing, my natural qualities, and my experiences. I can’t say in what percentages. I don’t sense that in this I’m repeating my upbringing in a direct way, although some of the sensations may be comforting due to early familiarity.
I don’t hate on bedroom players–everybody’s different and that’s a big part of the fun of life. I’ve slowly come to accept these aspects of myself as necessary for my own fulfillment which has been challenging due to the stigma, but I don’t take a dim view of others who only like to dip in and out of the pool.
I’ve enjoyed being used to entertain those who just like to have some fun. I once had a mistress who paddled me outdoors in back of a historic gay leather bar in Houston whilst one of the older, experienced daddies cradled my face in his hands. His eyes were magic and he said the most wonderful things to coax and praise me. There was a full moon and a crowd of onlookers, many who were just curious. Our neighborhood always got lots of tourists from the surrounding suburbs who were out to see something different. I took a spanking for the ages that night and all left satisfied.
Without an owner I’m without a rudder. I’m adrift. I need this to sustain me.
Hi, Loke–
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Switches certainly have unique perspectives. Your chemistry is interesting!
I love the power exchange of being in the dynamic, especially the mental aspects of being a submissive. In fact, it’s the giving up of the control that is central to me, and it happens first within the mind and continues to evolve in my psyche. It’s quite useful to be able to have powerful reactions whether or not my owner is physically present, just from their power over me. A good sadist is worth his or her weight in gold, as I’m sure you’ll agree.
Lol Anna someone suggested that although legally separated I don’t want to divorce because I don’t want to pay child support. I said he is my second husband. We don’t have children. She repeated herself! Lol
Ah yes..
I’ve heard this one a few times & from different men..(I must be the BEST woman alive right? )
It’s a heady blend of vulnerable ‘confessions’ & urgent pleadings that attract those who’want to help others and feel special.
‘
Flattery for the ‘ONLY person devoted/ resilient/ intelligent/ caring enough to work you out/ that “actually gets” you, that for whom you “can ‘change!” ..THIS person & only this person ( such a unique person, the ‘one and only’ – romantic fantasies )
I remind myself that if it was ME; if it was myself who had ever actually felt SO strongly about someone that I felt unable to be without them, I would never, ever WANT to put that pressure on another individual. I would only ever want someone to be with me because that’s exactly what THEY wanted, without pressure from me.
And so when I sense that pressure from others to believe romanticised & projected perspectives & ‘truths’ it makes me feel very uncomfortable.
Maybe because of the way I was raised I have this gut feeling in response to this tyoe of interaction.
Gaslit for my reactions throughout infancy into juniour years, I was
an exceptionally gullible, honest little girl. I have very expressive reactions & deep sensitivity & emotional/ empathic response.
My father and older brothers had a field day with me.
I would say that the gaslighting & teasing actually removed my ability to ‘want’ anything.
I detached from ‘wanting’ events/occurances/things to be a certain way and i tend to accept harsh reality quite quickly.
I very much don’t want ‘click-bait’ relationships in my life.
Life is hard enough without having another enemy on the inside too.
Another great & thought provoking post HG
Many thanks.
I am always lonely. I don’t recall a time when this wasn’t true. And it’s true that I fall.
But I have need of this story. I need it so very much. Every time.
HG,
You’re spot on, on the speech I fell for, almost word for word….wanting to save someone is a weakness for me, when it comes to narcs, at least it used to be….now i know what to look out for, thanks to you and your work here. Thank you for waking me up! I much appreciate you and your knowledge. Xx❤️❤️