Psychopath : No Pyro, No Party
I was at my grandparents´home in the countryside. They lived on the side of a hill, their nearest neighbour was some distance away, their house just about visible in the distance. It was a secluded place with a large property which one reached by walking up a set of grand steps. The rear of the house enjoyed a sweeping view across a valley, the ability to see miles into the distance. I would often climb up the fence and stand atop it, legs jammed either side of it as I raised a pretend telescope to my eye and scanned the horizon.
“What do you see?” asked my brother expectantly.
“Orcs. Hobgoblins too,” I would say slowly before lowering the telescope.
“How many?” he would ask.
“Thousands.”
He gulped. He believed the hordes were marching on us.
“Sound the alarm Captain,” I instructed, “make ready to defend Castle Hollow,” I added
My brother snapped into action and took up the old hand bell which he began to ring vigorously as he shouted “Alarm!” at the top of his voice. He went running along the top of the slope which formed the western edge of the garden and where I was still perched on the fence, seeking out my sister who we had stationed on the northern wall, rousing her into action.
The size and location of this property was ideal for such adventures.
Away from the house was a long lawn which stretched for some distance. It was pristine and weed free, the pride and joy of my grandfather. Beside this lawn was an old garage which was a source of so many fascinating and bizarre items which my grandfather stored in there. The old doors would creak open, allowing some light into its murky cavernous depths which smelt of oil and metal. Within we would ignore his car under its dust sheet and instead seek out material for our adventures amidst the benches of tools, artefacts and spare materials. It was a treasure trove of items and we would readily make use of them.
Behind the garage, on the left hand side of the pristine lawn was a raised area of rough land. It had a wall on its right hand side separating it from the lawn and then an area which was overgrown. I never understood why it was left like this. On the right hand side of the lawn was a path and then flower beds but for some curious reason my grandfather never cultivated this stretch of land. That suited me for it was where I would create battles. I would dig holes and place inside of them containers which I would then fill with petrol taken from the jerry cans kept in the garage I would create a landscape on this rough land, creating small buildings from wood broken from pallets, imaginary refineries, chemical plants, ammo dumps and so forth. My brother often wanted to join in but I always sent him away, this was my world and he was not allowed in.
Having crafted an imaginary country with its various buildings and infrastructure, I would then ignite a large piece of plastic so it would wrap around a long stick. I would then utilize the stick as a bomber aircraft as it would slowly fly over the landscape below. The melting plastic would slowly drop in flaming goblets from the stick, like bombs dropping on the unsuspecting town below. They would hit the wooden houses, sometimes becoming extinguished from the fall, on other occasions igniting the wood so I could smile to myself as I watched the replica house burn imagining its stricken inhabitants meeting a fiery demise. The hissing bomblets would strike the containers of petrol and with a most satisfying “wumf” ignite the petrol and the flames would dance. My bomber would slowly arc through the sky above bringing fiery death and destruction on those below. I would meander along until I would then turn having reached the end of the rough area of land and look back. There was the blazing “town” annihilated by my bomber, orange flames dotted the soil, flickering tongues of flame devouring the factories and homes I had created from the wood that I had found. The tubs of petrol still burned, blackened smoke arising from instances where I had added strips of rubber into the town. It created a marvelous picture. If I squinted, it made it look all the more like an actual town which had been bombed. I imagined terrified residents running from buildings and decided that I would cause another fly by of my bomber to ensure that those people who had not been roasted in the first pass would soon meet a flaming demise.
“HG!”
I turned, my imaginings disrupted by this foul intrusion into my world. It was my grandfather. He was advancing down the steps from the house having evidently seen the smoke rising in the air. He could not see the flames, the garage hid them, but the smoke had risen high enough for him to notice and here he came to spoil my campaign. I ran back towards where my matches and the jerry can were, hurdling the still burning town.
“Are you burning things again you little bugger?” shouted my grandfather.
I was tempted to deny the accusation but did not want to give away my position as I swept up the matches into my pocket and grabbed the jerry can. It was only a quarter full as I scrambled towards the drystone wall which formed a boundary to the area of rough land.
“You are you utter rascal!” came a cry of confirmation from my grandfather as I threw the jerry can over the wall hearing it land on the other side. I climbed the wall, the flat stones affording an easy route as I slipped over the top and dropped down onto a section of sloping grass and then steadied myself.
“How many times have you been told?” came another shout but I could hear already the resignation in his voice. He knew he was beat and it was happening most times these days.
Most times.
I located the jerry can, checked I still had the matches and crossed the narrow and empty lane to climb another slight grass slope. I once again threw the jerry can over the next drystone wall and ascended it. I could hear the rusting squeak of the wheel which housed the hosepipe being turned by my grandfather and knew there would be no further pursuit.
“Your mother knows what you have been doing,” announced my grandfather. He knew what he was doing by telling me that. I stopped on the wall and momentarily wondered if a return would be best. I immediately rejected such a suggestion. I was not satisfied, grandfather had interrupted me and I needed more. I needed more flames, I needed to burn. I sat atop the drystone wall as I could hear the spatter of water and the hiss of extinguished flames from the wooden buildings. He would just throw earth over the small petrol pots to put them out, he had shown me how to do it in the past. Yet, extinguishing was not what was needed. I wanted more, I wanted something to burn, something bigger.
The hut!
I closed my eyes and envisioned turning my fire lighting skills to the abandoned wooden building which sat atop the steep embankment which was opposite me and opposite the house.
In my mind´s eye a flickering, orange glow arose.. As I approached, the source of the light became apparent – a wooden building engulfed in flames.
The fire danced and writhed, consuming everything in its path, transforming the once sturdy structure into a roaring inferno. The colors swirled and melded together in a chaotic symphony of destruction. The vibrant oranges and reds dominated the scene, radiating an intense heat that could be felt even from a distance.
The smell assaulted my senses as I drew closer, a pungent mixture of burning wood, heated metal, and charred debris. The acrid scent filled the air, wafting through the atmosphere with a familiar presence. It was a scent of danger, of devastation, a reminder of the destructive forces at play.
Searing crackles and pops joined the symphony of destruction, echoing around me. The snapping and splintering of wood created a cacophony of sounds, each explosion marking the demise of another part of the building. The flames roared like a wild beast, hungry and insatiable, displaying a destructive power that seemed to defy interruption.
Amidst the chaos I envisaged the power to ruin. This building, once filled with life and purpose, now reduced to ashes. The crackling flames seemed to devour the memories that once echoed within its walls, leaving only destruction in their wake.
I opened my eyes dispelling the scene I had envisaged and climbed down from the wall. I took up the jerry can once again and stood looking at the tree-infested embankment. Yes, I needed more to burn, I needed some form of satisfaction. I could hear my grandfather muttering but he was playing firefighter, I had a new target.
I began to climb the embankment.
59 thoughts on “Psychopath : No Pyro, No Party”
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NarcAngel! I want to delve into it!
„Would disgust turn to admiration if the village HG imagined destroying was predominantly occupied by Nazis, pedophiles, rapists, murderers?…….“
It brings us back to:
HG Tudor says: February 23, 2023 at 07:11
1. A method of assessment of the worth of an individual to society and if it falls below a certain standard we disincentivise that individual.
HG Tudor says:February 26, 2023 at 10:32
They are not valuable if I deem them surplus to requirement.
HG Tudor says:March 10, 2023 at 13:21
I did not state that disabled people are surplus to requirement, my method of evaluation of somebody’s usefulness/lack of usefulness to society takes into account many factors and a disabled person may well rank well above some degenerate able bodied scum bag.
***
Back to your question, NA, with HG’s responses in my mind and the question of „worth“ of a person.
I think because people tolerate so much, they also become part of the „Nazis, pedophiles, rapists, murderers“ prevail.
Empath’s part in this might be:
Re Karma in one sentence ― is about learning of lessons and when lessons are not learned, existence becomes a loop of unnecessary suffering.
I’m against messed up people running our planet and empaths tolerating all of it by putting their empathic dung into a bag of cement and expecting growth of vegetation from this mix… My disgust would turn into admiration if they would stop doing it. But I can understand their dilemma of wanting to delve into that pit and search for a soul in there. I am prone to that as well… That’s the danger of a loop of unlearned lessons on repeat.
Who knows… but what if there was a soul and this soul may have sprung into myriads of pieces, sort of a Voldemort soul splitting thing.
These pieces may have spread all over the galaxy and as long the soul is not complete there will be an empty pit with just a tiny soul piece, which can’t sustain itself….
How to merge the pieces back together?
…Extinguishing fire with fire… Is it an option? Is it HG’s option he implements already?… Maybe there are other options? Maybe not? (Hello options, are you listening??)
I’m certain that the physical is not the only field of „life“. It is convincing of being the only field, yes. But it is obviously not. And it’s not a belief on my part. Belief is useless. Thus science these days finds proof more and more…
A spectrum may not just be linear to my understanding. And not just 2 dimensional. Wherever on a linear spectrum the individual is placed at (psychopath, narc, narcissistic, normal, standard, super, co-d, contagion) from this starting position he or she may have the possibility to move towards the ends of their own spectrum or towards the middle – outside of the linear spectrum. Because Karma, if it exists ― may be your own personal schedule of experiences if you will ― which may allow you to move around on your own personal spectrum or outside of it, or towards the middle, or remain deliberately in one position or become stuck in one position.
Perhaps awareness allows greater movement in different directions?
(“Bad” and “good” are not directions ― these are definitions… Balance is not “the good”… Balance is not a definition of „the good“… Good without balance becomes „bad“…)
Where individuals did become convinced that some karmic power decides for them ― they got stuck in a definition of karma; where they are judged, punished or rewarded by a higher power based on the “good and bad” definition model. This conviction may lead to amnesia and create the loop of karma (same lessons are repeated unnecessary without an effect of learning and moving on from this lessons) on this physical plane, life after life, in narc’s case perhaps reincarnating into the lineages with a certain genetic predisposition where this conviction can be cyclically repeated. This leads to: narcissists can’t dissociate from the pit which got hold of them. And they continue to step into the shoes of their abusers ― repeat and repeat and repeat ― a written down code in their genes (genetic predisposition) which they can’t resist or rewrite. Unless a shielding person manages to help out and step in, which then can result in an empath, normal or narcissistic, i.e. the step to a not linear spectrum of the possibilities from the genetic predisposition of a narcissist…
***
It is dangerous to think that narcs can change. It is our responsibility to never be fooled again by their ability to perform an act of change.
A good vision of detection of the true intent vs mimicry may be developed on our part. But also an evaluation method of intent vs outcome and its consequences. (Sam shared some additional thoughts on this, in her comment under the Karma video.)
It is a very intriguing topic to delve into from the perspective of HG’s categorisations!
Thank you for creating the opportunity to share my thoughts with you!
Hi, Truthseeker–
Thank you for the supportive words. I am indeed changing and having much better experiences. I feel a need to control what people see in terms of my insides, and it’s true that I have a fear of repetition of past trauma. For some people, they get a glimpse of my emotional instrument and they want to be Rachmaninoff.
Looking at the arc of my adult life it was when I was unaware that I tended to wake up and find everything on fire. Now I have a collection of protective masks I wear, or I send out personality bits that are in beta testing to engage with the folks.
I’m amazed by how elaborate your imaginative play was and that you can remember it in detail
The only thing I remember was making Sindy kiss Aladdin because I saw people do it in movies
When it is judged necessary to remember, I remember.
HG,
Your childhood play, creating a miniature pretend village and then setting the buildings on fire, actually happened in all its full-size, real-life, vivid and brutal reality, to my parents during WWII.
The only difference is that the real-life destruction and fire wasn’t caused by airborne bombs but by soldiers on foot.
Believe me, it is not fun. There is nothing beautiful or entrancing about it. The flames are not vibrant or colourful. The scene is not imaginative. The action is not powerful.
It is disgusting and ugly, and it does not signify an ‘ending’ or a demise. Instead, it is a beginning. A beginning that is far, far more terrible and dire than what was before. A new and very different, painful and tragic kind of life.
I could explain in more detail what happened specifically to my parents in particular in the aftermath. However, I would rather not because it is too specific and I do not want to reveal their identity to anyone reading who may recognise the story. I would rather protect their anonymity and respect their privacy. Suffice to say, it destroyed families, hopes, dreams, health, livelihoods and even lives.
As a boy, you were capable of building the pretend village. You gathered the materials, made the little houses, created the miniature landscape. You had the imagination to do those things.
Your warped mind had the wrong focus.
I guess you had better start campaigning against all the children that play army, war, cops and robbers, Dungeons and Dragons and wargaming for a start then.
Thinking about you as a child delighting in burning buildings and imagining the inhabitants burning as they ran for their lives, I don’t remember ever playing like that and even if for some reason I would have, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it.
“…so I could smile to myself as I watched the replica house burn imagining its stricken inhabitants meeting a fiery demise.”
“…a most satisfying “wumf” ignite the petrol and the flames would dance. My bomber would slowly arc through the sky above bringing fiery death and destruction on those below.”
“…I imagined terrified residents running from buildings and decided that I would cause another fly by of my bomber to ensure that those people who had not been roasted in the first pass would soon meet a flaming demise.”
Reading these passages made me think, why not just write about making people out of matchsticks and creating a work camp out of old wood, lighting the fire and making an oven?
And I bet there would be readers saying that it was a great read and they’d even call you ‘Sir’… smh
You think like that because you are the one with the preoccupation about suggesting I am a Nazi, when I am not.
Just wondering….
Would disgust turn to admiration if the village HG imagined destroying was predominantly occupied by Nazis, pedophiles, rapists, murderers?…….
Those WE determine as a majority collective to be dispensable and deserving of such a fate?
Wiser, thank you. You restore my faith in people. You don’t even know, how much I need this right now.
The Nazis promoted superhumans – they were privileged, superior – they could kill inferior “human cattle”… or homeless people.
Yes Wiser, you’re right – look on YouTube at people’s comments on the next story in this series, where HG wishes there was a homeless person in the burned down house.
“This story is mesmerizing!”
(Indeed, blinkers)
“I closed my eyes, rested my head on the pillow and listened to your story.”
(The next step will be to convince you to throw an egg at Meghan, and then watch the movie “a homeless man sizzles”, and then…).
“It was very nice to read this story. It brought back nice memories…”
(Really?!)
“Perfect!”
(Burn him!)
“Oh my gosh, you make it all sound so funny.”
(Congratulations on your sense of humor HA-HA-HA)
“Thank you for the adventure, I’m waiting to see more. Yes, I see more. I hear you perfectly. I follow you.”
(You see shit. You hear shit. And you learn – nothing.)
—–
A huge disappointment. “Empaths”… Where has their sensitivity gone? Do they only feel sorry for themselves?
Human stupidity and blindness know no limits. That’s why evil is thriving in the world and it will never end.
I’m ashamed, of people.
But… why spoil the mood, right?
Hi WiserNow,
just wanted to pop in quickly to offer some perspective on what is going on in this article -> The child HG was abused since he can remember. Not only was he a highly sensitive (highly sensory perceptive) child (due to psychopathy) meaning he most likely felt and experienced pain in a very extreme proportion, but he also already as a child could see through people (their contradictions) and it added to his alienation and loneliness in this world ― and that is very hurtful for a little human being to go through and no one assisted (understood) him or prevented the abuse.
His twin sister perhaps was his only ’alike’ and important connection which made all of this bearable…
His desire to see people suffer in his imagination as a child, as described in this article ― reflected his own suffering. Children create this projection (in their imagination and extend it into their daily lives) and in so doing escape the feeling of their own pain. In the way of; if I cause others to suffer ― It means I don’t.
*Rereading what I wrote and how I wrote it; I must add; these are just my opinions based on what I came across on the blog and my personal research on psychology etc. outside the blog. The above may be the case, may be not.
🤍
Jordyguin, Wiser quoted HG’s words. Directly. They mean exactly what HG wrote.
What you describe is your interpretation of the reasons for such behavior. Meant to justify, right?
It was not about the causes, but about the effect described by HG.
It is worth reading HG’s text very slowly: “How Your Emotional Thinking Causes Excuses” from December 6 this year. Especially points 8-12 and it’s good to think about it.
Hello Joa, I read 8-12… Slowly🙂 and thought about it, as you suggested.
8. He is in a bad place but he will come through it.
* HG may not be in a bad place. HG may be in a perfect place at the perfect time, in perfect circumstances… He may have all the choices and options he needs.
9. He is a complex person; you don’t understand him like I do.
* HG is for sure a different person compared to others; each of us understand him a bit differently I would say.
10. It is just the way he is; I have got used to it.
* HG is the way he chooses to be, I would think, with exceptions; I seek to understand his origin, his kind, his choices and his work. (It’s my job as a human who must experience and navigate amongst other humans, gods, devils, angels…)
11. I know it seems bad but he does so much that is lovely; this is only a small part of what he is like.
* HG is a bad man doing a good job, as he referred to himself. What he is like – no one really knows (?).
12. Nobody knows him properly, that’s why you think bad of him.
* Nobody can know HG properly because we are not him, I would say. We may interpret HG through our filters though.
“What you describe is your interpretation of the reasons for such behavior. Meant to justify, right?”
Humans are more fascinating beings, than our immediate judgments about them and projections we put them through, right?
“It was not about the causes, but about the effect described by HG.”
Causes and effects may be inseparable.
Wiser, I have already replied to you twice, but the messages did not go through. So I try for the third time.
Referring to what you wrote at the end – I paste what I wrote on YouTube:
In short:
1. “I burned someone’s uninhabited property.”
2. “I would like to burn a man.”
—–
YouTube users’ reaction:
1. “Sending you love.”
2. “Excellent text.”
3. “You are mesmerizing.”
4. “It’s so funny.”
5. “Thank you for the adventure. I look forward to more.”
—–
Wow! Thoughtlessness. Shame.
You need not repeat yourself but exhibit patience re moderation. This is made clear in the rules.
HG, my decks of patience is very good – but there are errors and strange announcements, that make me not sure whether the message has arrived at all.
However, I will take this comment into account… except for the situation, when I’m on fire inside 🙂
It’s very sad, that children play this kind of games (thankfully not in my family!)
About 10 years ago, my daughter was in the hospital, and the next room was occupied by another sick boy, about 7 years old. He ran through the corridors with a plastic rifle and pretended to “shoot” objects and people. It made me feel sick to see him and he was getting on my nerves. Only once did he run into my daughter’s hospital room and after meeting my eyes, he withdrew and in the following days he avoided the room (although he was still very audible). When he was visited by his loud and arrogant father, who thought, he was funny and pretended to be a wonderful parent (for show) – I knew everything.
—–
The most dangerous thing is that so many young people today confuse fiction (games, movies) with reality.
—–
I don’t mind the fire itself – playing with fire as an experience and learning – except that it is dangerous for children. As a child, I also burned sheets of paper in the bathtub, watching and learning. We burned leaves in the garden (when it was still allowed), etc. One of my colleagues from work experimented with fire as a child and lit a flame… in an electrical socket and electrical box! This was his last experiment, because his father stepped in with… strong powers of persuasion.
However, in this story, what raises objections is the purpose for which the fire was lit by HG – imagining the terrified inhabitants or achieving satisfaction.
That’s why I understand Wiser.
“Whatever the shell soaks up when you are young, it smells of when you get old.” My god, I’m starting to quote traditional proverbs, like my grandma 🙂
Joa. I can recommend the book “Conrad’s war”
I think you would enjoy it very much.
Fantasy is not reality.
Reality bites.
This book is excellent.
HG I will be burned at the stake for this opinion in todays world about how he fluidity of gender and sex but in my humble opinion boys and girls play differently at a young age. Not all. But boys love cars and smashing them together, give a boy a stick and he looks to hit something… now we are not talking psychopathy like you, just normal and even empathetic boys are into cars, trucks, light sabers, weapons even if made out of sticks. I called my son El Destructo at 3, lol. Girls like playing mommy, now there is identification, but dolls have always been popular. And let’s go to video games. Anyone out there who has a boy who does not play and all are about killing. Or the popular ones I have seen. How many girls spend their time on these games? Sure, some but overall? There are just differences. I have a “ funny” story. My son was a Marine but he wanted to be a Navy Seal. There’s a station in Seal Beach near me. At 13, he wanted to join Junior Seals, so up at 6 am I went to take him there on Saturdays. My first visit, I saw a billboard at the base, it had a handsome young man holding a gun pointed to shoot and the caption read “ Why play videos when you can do the real thing?” I was stunned. I went over to the General and said this program, is it designed to recruit?” He said “ Oh no my dear, now you come sit over there with the other parents, why I take your son inside.” lol Men. Also I noticed boys resolve things differently. My then 9 year old was having a debate on something and his best friend punched him in the stomach but astonishlibgly they were laughing and playing again minutes later as nothing had happened. Young girls on the other hand…. Excruciating. Not talking to each other, crying in their rooms, talking to others about so and so and what they did. Drama. Then they make up. So while destroying “villages “ with fire is extreme. It is a “ typical” boy move to assert power at a young age. Now, the building… well… very atypical, and may I add given your age not such a smart thing to do given the consequences. Were you sent away? Military school? Public school soon after?
No, I was not sent away.
Mr. Tudor,
1. Were there any legal consequences for your actions in burning that building?
2. Were there any consequences doled out from your family for burning the building?
Thank you so much for your time. Much appreciated as always.
Thank you HG for sharing another memory from your childhood. Xx I enjoy these stories, my favorites are still the ‘Cookie Jar’ and ‘Burn, Burn just for me’ I know I won’t look at my shed without thinking of that one. Xx You’re very gifted at writing, but you already know that. It still needed to be said. Xx
You may have mentioned this before, but may I ask what your maternal grandfather was, as far as normal, empath, or narc?
How did your grandfather treat the matrinarc when she was a child?
Perhaps I missed it, but have you delved into the dynamic of your matrinarc’s parents, and the environment in which she and Willy Wonka were created? If so, were may I find it?
Thanks so much!
Narcissist.
Authoritatively apparently.
No.
Really enjoyed reading this, thank you for writing it HG.
Mr. Tudor–
Another intriguing story about you when you were a child. It’s interesting to hear about your mindset prior to and during these moments.
1. Was the grandfather in this story your paternal or maternal grandfather?
2. Are all destructive forces equally intriguing to you or do you get more from those you can control? i.e. a mudslide destroying a village is more rewarding if you destroyed a dam to make it happen rather than occurring after too much rainfall.
3. If more is attained from being the cause/being in control of the destruction, is this true for the majority of psychopaths?
4. If you get more from those that you control, is that more about the narcissism or the psychopathy or an equal mix?
5. Did your brother ever argue with you about getting to stay for the fire show or did he generally know better than to do this?
6. Did your brother ever copy this behavior of yours, setting things on fire, to be like his older brother?
7. Were you in primary school when this occurred?
8. By not going back straight away, when ‘your mother knows what you have been doing,’ did you typically make punishments worse for yourself?
9. “Your mother knows what you have been doing” — This statement feels threatening, but that is knowing what you have a matrinarc. Did you think when you heard that, that your grandfather intend this as a threat or as a warning/concern for you?
10. Did the quote in 9, challenge your sense of control?
11. Is that part of what precipitated what I’m going to guess ended in the burning of the other building or was it more about watching the fire?
Thank you so much for your time. Much appreciated.
1. Maternal.
2. Those that I initiate.
3. Yes.
4. Different aspects arise relevant to the narcissism or the psychopathy.
5. Initially.
6. No.
Thank you, sir. AND I gave a squeak of joy when I listened to “I will burn it all” and another one of the questions was answered.
Regarding: the majority of psychopaths get more from the chaos they cause.
Angelina Jolie is a narcissistic psychopath as per your excellent series about her. She puts on a show of being a philanthropist and visits war-torn countries?
1. Are those visits more about her narcissism and feeling superior to the people there as opposed to her psychopathy?
2. What aspects of psychopathy are being exhibited in that behavior or drive that behavior?
Thank you so much for your time. Much appreciated.
1. Yes.
2. Seeking the stimulation of the experiences of others. Walking amongst the damaged and dispossessed unaffected by it.
Thank you, HG!
1. In terms of destruction and not being affected by it…if a psychopath helped make calls on where to drop bombs, would that psychopath consider all that destruction to be theirs (despite the number of people likely involved in the decision and carrying out of the bombing) or would it be diluted compared to if they set an abandoned building on fire alone?
Thank you so much for your time! Much appreciated!
Theirs.
Thank you, sir! This is a very magical day!! All thanks to you!!
HG, it occurs to me that it would be impossible for you to be brainwashed or unduly influenced. Intelligent normal people can be unduly influenced, as well as empaths, so it’s not a matter of that. Though your mind is formidable, I think it’s something else that would prevent you from being controlled. There’s something striking about how your psychopathy is evidenced in this piece. I like how you are so like fire: forceful, dynamic, beautiful, devouring. It’s truly disturbing and wonderful at the same time.
As for me, I’m concerned all the time that I’m about to join a cult; I worry because I know my emotional thinking makes me a good target for manipulation. I have to stay on guard. I know you don’t need to do that, and you can more sharply focus your energies. Someone so creatively destructive and unbothered by moralizing (thus unweighed by guilt) seems an unlikely candidate to be led by another. I think the absence of guilt (and fear) means that no one can impact you with the tactics used to program people which key in on such emotions. So, I wonder if it’s your psychopathy that would make you immune, less so your narcissism and superior intelligence. If so, it seems yet another advantage as you engage with the world. Is that the case? Thank you for these further glimpses into your world. I hope my query makes sense.
Allison hi,
I understood it to be the other way around – narcissism is the Firewall – the protective mechanism which encapsulates guilt, shame, dread, memories of powerlessness, rejection and hurt; within an area of the mind which is named The Creature.
These negative emotions and states are weakening the human being in general and sit at the basis of any manipulation.
HG occasionally comes in contact with this weight through the Creature.
HG cannot be manipulated because he is intelligent, not because he can’t feel. What he feels and HOW he feels is a whole different chapter.
HG’s perception assembles slightly differently. For a reason…
Hey Allison,
I think all categories of people can be manipulated including the psychopath.
I’ve said on here before that I view myself as being manipulative, maybe it’s ‘persuasive’ but either way the two rest on similar principles, it’s just that one is perceived as negative (causing emotional damage to another) the other neutral or even positive. (no emotional damage)
I think one of the reasons why HG states that “empaths aren’t very good” at manipulation is because those of us who do manipulate regularly, likely manipulate emotionally. This emotional manipulation doesn’t work with a psychopath because there is no emotional empathy for it to rest on.
If you take emotional manipulation out, then what you are left with is bribery, or to put it more favourably, reward. All people have wants, things they want to do, places they want to go etc. psychopaths to me are no different in that respect.
As far as trying to manipulate HG goes, I wouldn’t try. A different being altogether. I think people in general manipulate in the way that works on them. That’s likely the case for me too.
Xx
Howdy, Truthseeker–
I’m thinking more in terms of undue influence, not bribery. So, the kind of manipulation I’m talking about and that I’m concerned about being vulnerable to isn’t one where I know what I want and I get it as a reward. That’s seems pretty transactional and like someone has just found my price for a certain behavior on my part.
I’m thinking of something sneaky where someone is trying to keep me distracted or confused for the purpose of influencing me to turn over control without my informed consent. They want me to play but they obfuscate, change, or otherwise destabilize the rules of the game. Actually, they don’t really want me to play. They want me to be played with and they want to do it in an unfair exchange such that if their motives were made clear to me I might refuse. I’m denied the chance to choose and instead I behave as they wish because I lack all the facts.
As a person with a 4 octave emotional range so to speak, certain people have really liked to put me through my paces as it suited them, and I didn’t realize what was going on until it was too late. In the past I’ve gotten involved in some situations where I was not really making my own decisions, and I wouldn’t know how I’d gotten into those spots. Thinking back, people were able to access me through playing on my emotions and short-circuiting my logic. The result was that I walked into situations with my logic not at the fore, but I wouldn’t realize it at all because the high of my emotional ride feels like absolute clarity. Things seemed sensible to me at the time, I think, because I have a certain emotional capacity, some people want to feed off of it, and certain of them will brainwash me into believing I’m operating out of my own choice.
That’s what concerns me and that’s what I’m working against. But because I still experience so much fear and guilt (those two emotions have such deep roots in me) I’m particularly prone to weakness. Activate those in me–in the way that an effective manipulator can–do so at just the right time and in just the right combination and you can serve me with little red potatoes on the side. And I’ll even feel grateful for it. Until I wake up and explode, but by then I’ve lost a lot. It just occurred to me that HG’s psychopathy frees him from fear and drab morality (so no guilt), and all the downstream effects, so those can’t be tools against him, and it would seem brainwashing would not be possible. Fear and guilt–not reward–seem to be favorite tools of the cult set.
Of course, I could be way off base and talking out of my ass. I like to fantasize about what it would be like to go through the world without this major weakness of mine that makes me so wary of being duped that the worry alone makes me suffer. So I could be projecting. Or something.
Still, it would be thrilling to see someone dare try to unduly influence that mind. The conflagration would be a sight for an age.
Hi Allison,
Thank you for taking the time to explain further.
Reading your comment, I think what stands out most is fear of being caught out again. You recognise you are an emotional person and understand that this makes you a target. This awareness is a positive thing in my view.
You recognise that being made to feel guilty for things you do or don’t do is likely a key vulnerability. Again, being aware of this is a positive thing because it enables you to examine your guilt and ascertain where it comes from. ‘You Wear Guilt’ is a worthwhile read if you haven’t yet read that article. You aren’t alone there, many empaths experience guilt and this is capitalised upon by the narcissist. I suspect most ACONS have been made to feel guilty in one way or another throughout childhood. This doesn’t mean that this vulnerability can’t be remedied as you move forward.
Fear is a natural response, for me ironically enough I am more likely to feel fear when in a situation I feel unable to control. So I could logically say that if I had more control over a situation I would experience less fear in that situation. If this resonates with you, it might be useful to examine situations where you feel most vulnerable and then formulate a strategy to feel more in control. It might be that I feel vulnerable and fearful of a specific social situation for example, a specific place or group of people. So I would look at what I could do to alleviate that. I might stop attending those places, I might always take a trusted friend with me when engaging with a particular group of people for example. There might be steps you could take to assist you in feeling more in control therefore less fearful.
I think it’s important to remember that we here have all been conned at some point and in some context during our lives. A lot of that had to do with the fact that previously we had no awareness of narcissists and no awareness of the fact we were a sitting target for them. That is no longer the case. To compare the me of now with the me pre Narcsite is night and day in terms of awareness. This in itself brings added confidence. Knowledge is indeed power.
This is not to dismiss your fears or concerns, it’s just simply to say that as understanding increases, I think you will feel less like an easy target. You’ll feel more in control of yourself and your environment.
Our addiction also keeps us vulnerable. Your addiction will have fed into your decision making previously. It still will but at least you are now aware of its presence and this awareness will assist in preventing similar errors in judgement going forward.
You won’t be bullet proof, neither will I be, but there is no reason to expect the future to be a repeat of the past.
I agree with you that it must be nice not to have these empathic / emotional vulnerabilities. It must be nice for HG to have manipulations bounce off of him, but no one gets it all. The piper must always be paid, he just accepts a variety of currency.
Xx
Howdy, Jordyguin:
Interesting take. Thank you for giving me something to chew on. I think what sent me down that path was HG’s reaction towards his grandfather. I found it really intense that HG kept right on doing his work. When I think back to being caught red-handed at doing something, the guilt and shame ate me alive, not to mention fear of my elders. Much of the time, my fear of their reactions kept me in line anyway and I was pretty tame. Pretty tame. Until The Madness hit.
I notice fear and guilt still operating in me to this day, and I tend to be highly suggestible and find my intellect turning off more often than I’d like when I’m under their influence. These emotions, even when I’m doing well, still function like background radiation. They give me a weakness that those who would like to manipulate me can exploit. When they run hot, my logic turns totally off if I’m not very, very aware and guarded. Even then, logic is still diminished and I must rely on following simple rules I’ve set for myself. It’s really hard, particularly when it would feel so gorgeous to give in and ride the waves of feeling.
So, I was considering that maybe HG’s psychopathy might be a charlatan’s nightmare. Impenetrable and cold. No fear. Nothing for any attempt at undue influence to latch onto. Perhaps even so potent that no one would dare try. Or if they did it would end them. Motivated people try with me because they smell it on me, the scent of something they can sink their teeth into. Thinking in print here.
Thank you for engaging with me on this. It always refreshes to respond to another position.
Howdy Allison, thank you for your reply! Very interesting to read! Now, you gave me something to chew on😄! There are various very interesting moments you mention. One is the intensity of certain emotions.
The emotional (repetitive and uncontrollable) part makes sense because as scientifically explained; emotions and emotional habits (our learned emotional responses and reactions) form in the limbic system of our brain which can not be influenced by the neocortex – we assert control over information intellectually and thus our reactions bypass our logic. Thus it’s so difficult for us to change any habit which is tied to emotion (as all our habits are?). To change the emotional habit one would need to assert control over the limbic part of the brain and apparently that is a real challenge. That is the area I’m researching currently and testing out.😚🌸
Interesting! Can you tell me more about your research?
Allison😚 as soon as I’m certain about all of it and how it is supposed to work…It is based on the triune brain concept, where the three brains react sort of simultaneously(?) but separately at the same time (independently in emotion, cognition, freeze, fight or flight and so forth). Also the gut brain and the left/right brain which all play a part in it and how our habits emerged and make us react.
Basically it must be about how to develop a new habit by putting the reaction on pause and have the logic come in first instead of an emotional habit (hormones and all that).
Sort of whenever someone tries to provoke a certain emotional habit out of you, you’d be like: That sounds interesting. But no, thank you!
Your research topic reminds me about my EMDR experience. Instead of eye movements we used hand vibration for the bilateral motion and the left/right brain aspects.
Near the end of my therapy he sent me to get some bodywork done and that helped with the stomach butterflies. I think he told me the vagus nerve has a function for the gut as well as the neurotransmitters there?
Regarding cognition, when I was in the thick of the trauma I would often suddenly lose awareness of my lower body. I could be walking along, having a day, when I’d find that I was only an upper body. I wouldn’t fall or anything, and the legs were still working, but suddenly I’d experience my upper body as being some sort of complicated meat sack on a rolling cart.
Your work sounds fascinating. I always found the brain the most difficult subject if it came up in my courses for any reason. I’m impressed that you’ve taken on the challenge of the 3 pound universe. Do keep me posted as you develop your work.
Hi Allison: I don’t know if it’s emotional fear but most people including psychopaths don’t want prison. And they curb their behaviors within the system too. A haughty arrogant need to make you submit type won’t live long in prison. The hey dial down to survive. Is it fear? Maybe not but the ASPD is aware that his behavior could lead to prison or death and they can adjust. It’s a choice. They don’t like rules, norms or laws and they are risky, impulsive, less fear and goal oriented which is why statistically they are over presenting prisons versus civil society. With HG, he was aware that his grandfather disapproved and that his grandfather would tell his mother and there would be negative consequences. So why do it? I think it was a child acting out, lashing out, attention seeking, defiance. I don’t think his goal was to burn but to get noticed for burning or it would have been covert. Why? I don’t know. Fury? Also is there a factor he is an arsonist. The psychology of arsonists varies, but there are common themes. Arson can be a result of psychological conditions such as pyromania or impulse control disorders. It can also be a way of expressing anger, seeking attention, or making a statement. For some, it may be a compulsion tied to feelings of power or control. On the other hand, some arsonists may be motivated by revenge, excitement, or even for financial gain. Each case is unique and requires a thorough understanding of the individual’s circumstances. If you’re exploring this topic further, it’s crucial to consider the diverse factors that contribute to arson and the complexities of human behavior. Is it a compulsion or was it a statement. I think the latter.
Hi, Contagious–
Or maybe for some arsonists they identify with the flames? Perhaps the flames are an extension of themselves, an aesthetic act of their will upon the world.
Also, it seems to me there are very arrogant people who thrive in prison (inmates and guards alike). But just in terms of the inmates, I’m reading your “make you submit type” of person as psychologically manipulative, and I think Charles Manson was a prime example of a manipulator who was comfortable in prison. He often expressed that to send him to prison was to send him home. This may have been some grandstanding, but I truly think that he had no fear at all of prison. He was institutionalized most of his life, and prison in no way impacted his access to sex, food, shelter, attention, or targets. I can imagine that prison would serve similar purposes for many people, especially those who have been in the system from youth. I haven’t done any deep research on the matter, but anecdotally I know of such similar people for whom incarceration is just another Tuesday.
Jordyguin: very interesting. I have felt that the creature is the 0-9 child that did not get enough care, love, attention, validation, stimulation etc… a bad or deficient parent usually mom and that a compartment to the personality is created and relied to protect what it sees as a threat like rejection or neglect or invalidation like criticism or too much demand etc… ( trauma) The child adapts by figuring out what the external world wants or to please the parent. The control is needed because of the never ending yearning not fulfilled as a child or the true self. That’s why the construct. The acorn develops a tree that the world will accept while at the root it seeks nourishment. Some babies never held die. It’s called failure to thrive. I also think the child learns how to keep the control by his or her environment. So a lesser comes from a lesser family where he learns bullying gains control. A mid ranger sees silent treatments, sulking, holding your breath until you get your way, charm, lies, etc… to control to get the nurture it craves from 0-9. A greater comes from greaters and learns self restraint and calculation and patience to win the control. The environment they were raised creates the behavior like most humans. Throw in genetics. Some 0-9 won’t need as much love. Others do. Narcs are therefore always looking for that mommy, empaths are best as nurturers to water the roots to provide the care, nurture, love etc… and best adapt to endure the problematic issues. I see it like a baby in a sling across the hunters shoulder. The baby needs food and the hunter hunts for it. This is my theory. You cannot recreate the 0-9 although Sam Vatnim claims cold therapy cures narcissism ( HG disagrees) but how do you cure that fundamental time or the creation of the ego, the SELF. The early years, often considered to be ages 0-3, are indeed a crucial period for child development, including the formation of a child’s sense of self or ego. During this time, 0-3, children undergo significant cognitive, emotional, and social development. They begin to form attachments, learn to communicate, and develop a sense of autonomy.
Erik Erikson, a prominent developmental psychologist, proposed that the first psychosocial crisis a child faces is the conflict between trust and mistrust, which occurs during the first year of life. This stage is crucial in shaping the child’s sense of trust, and it lays the foundation for their developing ego or self.
During these early years, children also develop a sense of agency and begin to explore and interact with their environment. This period is critical for the formation of secure attachment relationships, which are important for healthy emotional and social development.
Furthermore, brain development is particularly rapid during the early years, and experiences during this time can have long-lasting effects on cognitive and emotional functioning. Positive interactions, supportive relationships, and a stimulating environment are vital for healthy development during this period.
As children grow, their sense of self continues to evolve through interactions with caregivers, peers, and the broader environment. The early years provide a foundation upon which later aspects of self-identity and ego development build.
In summary, the early years, including ages 0-3, are indeed a crucial period for the development of a child’s sense of self or ego, as well as for overall cognitive, emotional, and social development. Providing nurturing, supportive environments during this period can significantly influence a child’s development and well-being. Without it, a narc. Psychopaths are just born that way. Their brain is wired differently at 0 but I can see how an un-stable start would create problems and an unhealthy environment encourage bad behaviors.
They say that narcs have trouble accessing their genuine feelings, thoughts and desires. The false self becomes ingrained. Perhaps that is why HG excels. HG has been able to access his genuine feelings, thoughts and desires. Why?
This is my thoughts anyway on the creature. What it is and why a narcissist is created and why some are unaware. Why Lucy Letby for example may genuinely believe her innocence despite the overwhelming evidence put for her. She is too ingrained. She has lived so long utilizing the false self, she has no access to her genuine thoughts, feelings or desires. They don’t exist in reality. At least hers.
Contagious, you touched on various different interesting topics there, which make a lot of sense❤️
The only thing I would want to add is that Greaters do not necessarily have to come from Greaters. HG’s mother is not a Greater for instance, but an Upper Mid-Range Elite, if I recall correctly. Other Greaters, HG mentioned or analysed, such as Angelina Jolie for instance, there was a narc parent (father), but not a Greater(?). So they can also develop on “their own” and still are rarer. Evolve on their own.
Great point! Maybe it’s genetic then, wonder why? Most behaviors are learned environmentally. Hmmm maybe it’s that genuine awareness of the facade from true self, it never gets ingrained. That’s why middle and lessers aren’t aware, they are ingrained to living their life as a facade unless mortification occurs, a crack in the facade to reality and they can’t handle reality as it’s the creature or true self that lives in this state of rejection and yearning for a mother or for love that is unrequited. ? Interesting why a greater would be aware…Sam Vatnim spoke of having this imaginary friend at 4 that he internalized and made him this fantasy to please his mother as he had suffered unthinkable trauma only to have it kidnap him in a horrid fashion so that he views the world as an observer of his own fantasy. Is this the awareness? Sam said he feels helpless to change it like a kidnapped victim but that if his true self would emerge he would die. So his true self is there but not reachable like a faded memory and that the false self is an enemy but a necessary one to survive. I asked HG to comment. It’s very fantastical but so is narcissism to me, or ASPD. So different.
Also love is not a gene. So why do babies die if not held? Why is love needed to survive? How can two babies from same parent develop different. Genes? Emotional bonds are suggested to be influenced by a combination of genetic, neurological, and the environment you grew up with. Some studies suggests that biological factors, including genetics and neurochemistry, contribute to the experience of love. Example: oxytocin and vasopressin, have been associated with empathy. Maybe empaths are born with more? I think it’s genes and environment like HG says . It’s individualized. But a baby who is given no love could die. SO that brings to mind the importance of empathy. It’s interesting that 6-16% of children develop narcissism. And it’s allegedly on the rise… is this a genetic shift or less nurture? And why is the coping mechanism formed in the same way albeit behaviors are different? Is this a genetic shift or an attachment style that has 1-4 ways to develop or something else? So many questions….
Yes, I agree. Genetic (needs to be present in order to be activated, or not present so cannot be activated) yet the environment (LOCE) may be the determining factor as to whether it is activated or not.
I’ve got to get that Knowing HG series. But, I’ve had to take it slow. I’ve been putting off getting it because I don’t want to feel all sympathetic, pierced, and tender. Not any more than I already do, at least. Makes me feel silly.
“But a baby who is given no love could die. SO that brings to mind the importance of empathy. It’s interesting that 6-16% of children develop narcissism. And it’s allegedly on the rise… is this a genetic shift or less nurture? And why is the coping mechanism formed in the same way albeit behaviors are different?”
This is such an interesting observation and questions and how it all connects!
Hi Jordyguin: Just a thought since narcissism is on the rise and its origins are 0-9, it can’t be social media. But it can be that the pressures on the primary caregiver are not what they used to be and that they provide a less stable parent-child interaction. It’s a two income household now for example, women work. There once was a time women had the luxury of staying home to focus on their children. I am not criticizing working moms or the choices they make or have to make. Not at all. I am just saying many mothers have more burdens these days and maybe some don’t cope as well or the alternative caregiver doesn’t. Maybe? But even narcs get some care, ie they are held. Not left to the situation I once read on Russian orphanages where the baby and toddler was given very little attention. Even there, there is a genetic predisposition or every child of a narc would be a narc and say in a family of 10, you might get one.
And it started so well… I felt bliss and and lazy relaxation, as when reading “The Children of Bullerbyn” by Astrid Lindgren.
But it didn’t last long 🙂
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I like taking photos and observing houses, plants and factories, that are being demolished and dismantled. Amazing impression. Used for years and decades, destroyed in an hour/several hours. The power of the devices, which destroy walls as if they were made of paper, is impressive.
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A few years before my grandmother’s death, while visiting her, I often took photos of her house and garden, every room and almost every object – including the basements, old light switches, and inhaled the humid air of the basement, filled with the smell of coal, stored apples and walnut shells. The well and the road where I ran, winning all the races and imagining that I was being chased by a witch (the best cheering). Old cherry trees in the orchard, pear trees with the sweetest fruit in the area, cherries whose juice dripped down my chin, hairy apricots, apple trees, a tree with my favorite mirabelles, that was split by lightning and was reborn again.
Grandma and grandpa’s white bedroom, grandma’s wardrobe with scarves hanging on the door, smelling of a scent I can’t pinpoint – which reminds me of the burning sun, a curtain with a circle pattern, a massive table in the dining room, a coffee grinder that grandpa held in his hand thousands of times, a fine mosaic of red and white tiles on the floor in the ground floor toilet, a kitchen with a cabinet smelling of sugar, coffee beans and syrup…
Hundreds of items, thousands of photos.
Grandpa is no more. Grandma is no more. This house no longer exists.
And yet they still live in me. I remember the smell of every room. I remember the refractions of light coming through every window and curtain.
If I had the appropriate funds to build a house, its plan and layout would be identical. I think I would also duplicate some of the decor and try to recreate similar scents in some places. Of course, a balance would have to be maintained, combining new with old.
Right now, I miss you, grandma. I still see you standing by the fence and gate, waving to me as I drive away. You did it every time.
—–
NO. I will never understand the satisfaction of destroying human life.
Save from oblivion.
This was a lovely read 🙂
Beautiful.
Oops, I was just surprised, when looking for the meaning of the English word “cherry”, which I used twice in my statement, although with different meanings. It turns out, that the English “cherry” is one name for two completely different fruits – one is a subtype of the other. I don’t even know, how to explain it, but it amazed me.
In my country, there is a clear division into tall trees, that bloom in white or very slightly pink and bear dark red, red or yellow fruit called “czereśnia” (sweet cherry) and lower trees, with slightly darker leaves, usually blooming in pink or white, with dark red and burgundy fruits, with a more delicate skin and very dark flesh, which we call “wiśnia” (sour cherry). These are two completely different fruits!
It’s so… weird. From my point of view, it’s like calling a strawberry and a wild strawberry the same, or a pencil and a crayon.
And I learned something new again. Great.
So now I have to ask myself, what cherries HG wrote about in the text “A Bowl of Cherries”? 🙂
Judging by the photo, which I have now looked at more closely, these are “czereśnie” (sweet cherries), not “wiśnie” (sour cherries) – as I previously thought. I need to reorganize my memory 🙂
And people ask why you’re not straight forward about who you are on your first date…🔥
Love this!
Thank you for writing it!