Knowing the Narcissist : Love Letter : Using The Love Devotee Trait Against The Target
I have always used the love letter as a method of building my connections with my target. I first started at school when one would write a short note and pass it across the class to the object of one’s affection. With a sideways glance I would watch as she would open the piece of paper up and smile before nudging her friend sat besides her and both would look my way with a smile and a giggle. Ah, from such acorns did my prowess with the billet-doux grow.
Those early ‘romances’ which in truth lasted little more than a month or so before we moved on to someone else gave way to the first proper girlfriend and then more meaningful correspondences sprang up. I remember during the Easter holidays in my penultimate year at school I engaged in an exchange of letters with a young lady who lived in a village a little way from where I lived. She would write a letter and I would receive it the next day. I immediately wrote a reply and she would receive it the next day. Back and forth our letters went. Of course we had no such thing as Instant Messenger or text messages. E-mail was in its infancy and was certainly not something that was used from home. I remember she wrote on light green paper placed inside a green envelope. It certainly stood our when it arrived on the doormat in the morning. I of course responded by writing (no use of typewriter or word processor back then) on crisp white paper of a decent thickness which would be folded into a third and inserted into an envelope. I still have her letters along with all of the others that I have received. Once in a while I will lift the box from on top of the wardrobe and sit and rifle through the contents. I have no real interest in the content or returning to those moments, I usually do it in front of my current partner in order to provoke a reaction from her.
Those early letters exchanged that Easter began as exchanges about what we had been doing each day, talking about other friends and then began a mild flirtation. We ended up as girlfriend and boyfriend after the letter writing. This earned me considerable kudos with my peers since the girl in question was held up as one of the most desirable in the year (although looking back I suspect much of that was to do with the fact that she arrived in our first year well-developed for her age). I recall when we went to watch a film at the cinema on of our dates she told me,
“You are not my usual type. I usually go for older boys but I loved what you wrote to me. Nobody has done that before.”
Whilst I cannot of course lay claim to be the only person who has written a love letter, it became apparent that it had become something of a dying art. I do not mean silly notes in class or something that resembles little more than an extract from a diary. Instead I am referring to the sweeping, grand, romantic proclamations of love and desire. Vulgarity is not allowed in this poetic pieces of literature, instead should one wish to express a physical need for coupling then the application of euphemism and analogy came to the fore.
I honed my craft corresponding with girlfriends from university. Invariably we came from different parts of the country and therefore during holidays we wrote to one another. I used this as an opportunity to sharpen my skills and polish my prose. The upshot was that thereafter although there was no real need to write to one another (we lived in the same place or even together) the production of a love letter left on a pillow or placed by a prepared breakfast on the dining table worked magically as a method of seduction.
I had a template of about five differing types of letter and have used them on several different ladies. I would copy them word for word with suitable alterations mutatis mutandis to cater for differences in appearance or demeanour. These crafted missives were powerful indeed. They created strong connections between my target and I. The content was such the lady in question would always be swept off her feet and of course when those loving words became barbed and thorny, she would retreat to where she kept them and weep over the beauty contained in those first letters. Knowing that these letters would be clutched in a shaking hand as the tears rolled down her cheeks however weeks down the line was edifying indeed.
I still use them. In a world governed by technology, text speak and the immediacy of communication, the provision of a hand-written billet-doux has a tremendous effect.
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Given my recent escape, I’ve been thinking about the love devotee trait a lot lately. I really didn’t want that one to apply to me, but my history proves it out. It appears I’ve been taking limerence for love, but there is no doubt I’ve been chasing that mirage for a long time. I think about Mr. Tudor’s observations on the depictions of romantic love in the media, particularly music, and the influence of that on our susceptibility to narcissists in combination with the love devotee trait.
In fact, yesterday I was in a diner and had an interesting experience. Just as I was about to slam my first forkful of eggs down my gullet, I heard this little gem in the music over the loudspeaker: “At times I’d like to break you / And drive you to your knees…” It was from “Sometimes When We Touch.”
For years I’ve never paid attention to that song because, on a conscious level, I abhor love songs. But I can see how the desperation, longing, fear, and threats in that song got into the soup of what I consider to be True Love. Imagine the thousands of hours of this kind of sentiment playing in the background of life. This time, the line actually stopped me from eating (no mean feat as I was hell bent on quickly scarfing the eggs to move on to the waffle) and I thought, “Wow, I never knew that was in there.” Amidst all the swirling melody and pleading, smack in the middle of the ‘romance’, a clear threat of violence. Then back to the holding and caresses.
It was quite a moment. Re-reading this one is fortuitous. I’m such a sucker for words, especially if I’m not paying close attention.
Hi Allison,
This has happened to me as well. I didn’t realize how many of the lyrics I wasn’t actually listening to. Now I can’t help but hone in on the lyrics. Some songs I’ve stopped listening to altogether. “Forget Me” is one of the songs that irritates me. On the face of it, it almost sounds sweet. He doesn’t want her to forget him. This is the line that really got me, “Well I’ll take all the vitriol, but not the thought of you moving on.” That reads to me as, I know you need to get on with your life, but I need your negative fuel still, so keep it coming. I find I’m nitpicking lyrics all the time now.
A real embarrassing earworm for me is “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”
Once upon a time, I was falling in love
But now I’m only falling apart
Nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
There. Now my misery has company.
The line “Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time (all of the time)” makes me think of the Everpresence of the narc now. Also, in the narrative the other person seems to be in her head, the way narcs get in there. And don’t get me started on him calling her “Brighteyes” over and over. Not only is it a nickname and objectifier, but it’s about her eyes! Reading Mr. Tudor’s work about the eyes in the narcissistic dynamic is really making this stand out. This song is getting really scary.
Hi Allison,
HG pretty much ruined pop music for me. 😂
Thankfully there are many other genres!
True–but I just feel like narcissistic perspectives have seeped into everything. I hear it now in all the genres of music I like. And now, I notice there’s always that trace in nearly every experience I encounter–beyond music–like the way burning imparts an odor to even the things that remain. I have to keep a sense of humor about it to keep my strength up and grab hold of some perspective. Can’t let them have all my joy.
Hi Allison,
As a result of our conversation here, I just listened again to HG’s “Why Do I See Narcissists Everywhere”, thank you for bringing that one back to my attention! The end was encouraging, you and I are doing well, seeing what we see now, and why we’re able to see it now! And yes, a sense of humor is key!
LMAO! I love your one liners!
I wish I could say that it’ll get better but I see the narcissistic dynamic all over the place now. I see it in TV shows, movies, books, music, etc, etc, etc. Once you see it, you can’t unsee and I see it everywhere!
Dear Allison,
I notice now, after studying HG’s work, that a lot of love songs are full of gaslighting, future faking, pity plays and sometimes threats of violence, all within the lyrics, lyrics that I used to think were so sweet and romantic, now I hear the narc speaking, the lies and manipulations… ruined some songs for me, the price of being aware of narcissism in the world. Xx
“…ruined some songs for me, the price of being aware of narcissism in the world.”
I can help. “Love is a Battlefield.”
Believe me, believe me, I can’t tell you why
But I’m trapped by your love
And I’m chained to your side
Watch the video. The sentiments of the song may become more horrifying as you truly listen, but the imagery is hilarious. You can follow it all even on mute. The Faces! The Hair! The Clothes! The 80s Melodrama! It’s no longer romantic to me, either, but watching it is sure to make me guffaw.
Do it. Do it now, Rebecca.
Allison,
Love is a Battlefield played at work today and my brother really liked the song, it reminds me of him, whenever I hear it. How he would talk about the song and the singer. I hear the lyrics now, more than ever and when she sings, “chained to your side” I know what she means….’Hit me with your best shot’, is another great one with meaningful lyrics. Xx
‘I want it all’ by Freddie Mercury….narc lyrics 100% xx
My ex and I would correspond through letters, the old fashion way, through snail mail. I remember getting his letters and being so thrilled ti receive them. We would communicate through letters all summer, before he came back for the fall semester. We had AOL and email back then, but he liked to use old fashioned letters. I found it so romantic and endearing….something you two have in common, HG. ULTypeB Elite liked to be romantic in the beginning. Xx