Knowing the Narcissist : Responsible
It is well-known that our kind does not do responsibility. We are not to be held to account. We are never culpable. Nothing is ever our fault. We are free to act as we please, doing what we want without concern for repercussion or consequence. Responsibility does not figure in our considerations. There is a considerable deficit on our side of the equation when it comes to shouldering responsibility. Nature abhors a vacuum however and therefore since we create such an absence of responsibility, this raises the question who is going to step in and accept responsibility? Who is going to take on more than their fair share of accountability? Who is going to plug the culpability gap? The answer, of course, is you and this is a significant reason why you remain chained to us and naturally, we know this to be the case. This is one of the reasonas why we choose people like you.
As an empathic individual you have many traits which appeal to us. One of these traits is having a strong moral compass so that you “do the right thing” and you accept responsibility for your actions. That is attractive to us in itself. However, you go further than this. You are blessed or cursed, dependent on how you regard it, with the fact that you are over-responsible. Not only will you rightly accept blame when it is genuinely your fault but you will accept responsibility for us as well. This is extremely appealing. How does this over-responsibility come about?
On the one hand it is something which is intrinsic to you as a consequence of being an empathic person. You feel a deep responsibility for others and you do so because you wish to help. You do not believe that it is right to shirk responsibility or walk away when someone is in need. You widen your scope of responsibility by adopting the stance that as a decent human being you have a responsibility to aid others, assist them and help them. Added to that is the fact that we cause you to be responsible for us. We deny responsibility so you immediately feel a need to plug that gap – I return below to why you feel that need. Moreover, we make it your responsibility through our repeated projection and blame-shifting.
“It is always your fault.”
“You made me get angry, it is your fault.”
“Now look what you have made me do.”
“You should have known that was going to annoy me.”
This frequent projection and blame-shifting conditions you to accept responsibility for what we have done or not done. The more aware of our kind know that by reinforcing this double edged message – we are not responsible/ it is your fault – you will accept this to be the case. You are prone to repeated self-analysis and in order to find solutions, keep the peace and avoid those eggshells you will accept responsibility for us. An objective observer would find a certain action to be clearly our fault but you will take on the mantle of responsibility on our behalf.
“It’s my fault, I should have known.”
“He is tired, that is why he shouts at me, I should have let him rest.”
“I should have remembered that he doesn’t like fish.”
“It’s okay, I am used to it, I don’t mind because he can be wonderful to me you know.”
“It is just the way he is, I pick up the pieces, that is what I am here for.”
The repeated reinforcement that you are to blame coupled with your natural propensity for wanting to accept responsibility means that we know we can easily have you burdened with accountability and you will invariably accept it. This then paves the way for us to inflict other manipulations against you based on your acceptance of fault and guilt. You accept you are at fault so then we are entirely justified in shouting at you, cold-shouldering you, stopping you going out or having an affair. Having you as the one to blame suits our purposes to maintain our perceived superiority and provides us with justification for punishing you so that we receive further negative fuel.
This over-responsibility will extend into making excuses on our behalf when we have stormed out of a family occasion. It is our secretary ringing a client and apologising for us when we have been rude to somebody. It is a sibling who tries to play down our outrageous behaviour and finding something to explain it without pinning the blame where it ought to be pinned; on us. You accept that you are to blame and you become our spokesperson when dealing with other people as you are left to defend the indefensible. Not that you will get any thanks for any of this of course.
Why then do you feel such a need to be over-responsible for us? Where does this trait stem from? I have seen it within my own family with my sister. From an early age you have been subjected to such blaming behaviour when it was never actually your fault. This causes you to believe that there must be something wrong with you and that you are not good enough. In order to deal with this sense of inadequacy that was instilled in you most likely in your childhood you seek to over-compensate and decide that you will become good enough by being the receptacle for all blame, irrespective of real culpability. You have been convinced that you deserve this abuse, this blame and it is your duty to shoulder responsibility for what we do and what we do not do, in order to become worthwhile. It is easier to accept blame than fight against it because this is fulfilling the role that has been created for you. Always being to blame has caused you think that you deserve it and in order to do something about that state of affairs, you address it by accepting even more blame in order to reach an accord with what you regard your role to be.
We know that you need to feel responsible. It is a central plank of the empath’s constitution and we will exploit this by always blaming you, passing responsibility onto you and walking away from accountability. We will not laud you for such a selfless act of accepting responsibility but rather seize the opportunity to use it to justify our further foul treatment of you. You are at fault. You therefore deserve to be punished. You accept this and the repeated application of this only serves to reinforce and extend your sense of being responsible for us.
It is akin to being given six of the best with a cane at school for something you did not do and then asking,
“Please sir, can I have some more?”
4 thoughts on “Knowing the Narcissist : Responsible”
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Hello HG:
I wrote about narcs forming in early childhood and how to me it makes no sense that it could be 0-3. Plus unlike psychopaths there is no brain abnormality or biological link. Some and you suggest genes. Makes sense. Let’s turn the tables and look at empathy.You said I was a contagion empath. My cadres are equally carrier and martyr. I know at an early age I was a champion of the underdog. I recall in kindergarten grade I befriended a black girl who had obvious behavioral issues. I lived in an almost all white community. My mother dissuaded me to be her friend but I persisted. I liked her. I was diagnosed gifted in kindergarten but my parents refused to provide me with any advanced or separate education. They wanted to put me in another school. My mother felt it was not good for socialization. I recall a school event at age 5 and this teacher asking me to help this disabled black girl in order to stop her to not scream out. I remember sitting next to her holding her hand. She left the school I don’t know why but the friendship ended. I recall going to Sunday school and my shy brother would hide under the table. I remember going under the table and comforting him and getting him out to go to class. I recall teenage years and I don’t know why despite being a cheerleader and second to homecoming queen or part of the “popular girls” in the schooI to choosing to sit with the “ pot heads” outside at lunchtime as I found them soulful and I befriended and defended the “ geeks” who were in my classes and yet again befriended a black boy who was named Mike White when there was no formal segregation but segregation nonetheless it seemed and I befriended an “ unlikeable” Puerto Rican girl Lisa too. She lived in a house without doors and windows and had chickens roaming and they wore stockings year round. I made my parents take me to visit her. In high school I was chosen the only one in the state to win a scholarship to Presidential Classroom in Washington DC and was chosen out of 50 states to give the closing speech where the leader of Saudi’s Arabia attended and the ambassador to China. I recall asking the Chinese ambassador why his tariff rates were so high? I recall this was not popular yet I asked anyway. I was 16. When in college, my serious boyfriend was also Puerto Rican and my mother was not amused until she learned how rich he was with his “ uncle” being the governor of the country… all my father cared was that I was “happy. In college, I was in a sorority of pretty blonds but I rushed an elegant young black woman who I remain friends with to this day and a Filipino. Again in the white world I lived in this was considered “ an award for diversity.. our sorority won that year because of me yet I don’t recall ever ever thinking in racial terms almost like a real delusion. No awareness at all. ” I also worked at legal affairs to help an American Indian not have his social security card and helped build a shanty town to protest apartheid in political affairs where I was a member. I was a journalist for the school paper too in college and law school writing about unfairness like parking lol. At the time, I don’t think I had awareness at all what I was doing. I saw the souls and rebelled against the disgusting mundane things like “ did you see what she was wearing?” During sorority rush. I deplored that. When I was in law school I funded a National charity for children and mentored disadvantaged girls. I took in friends to help save them money as I made a lot of money. My lifelong friends are very diverse but my common theme is if I wasn’t their friend I would be glad that they walked this Earth. Then my focus was children and my two marriages and my stepkids who I am close with to this day and extensive charity fell aside due to single parent demands but I still took others in and help in my community. I guess the question remains when I look back is “ why.” I honestly don’t think I thought in racial terms. I still don’t. But I can look back now at this age and see a pattern of trying to always help others especially the underdog at as young as age 5. I have discussed my existential crisis at age 5 in this blog and turning to religion and philosophy. I felt this zealousness to know my purpose in life at age 5. I recall having it by a holly tree and almost fainting as I felt so overwhelmed by eternity and life’s meaning. The tester for giftedness remarked on this to my parents. My family was not even close to my religious pursuit as I went to many churches with as many people as I could find before high school. I went to Catholic, Lutheran, various Protestants and even Jehovah Witness and a Buddhist church. I read everything.. Ages 5-13. My mother just says I was an “ interesting@ child, very “ unique.” I had Rumi posted on my door at 10. My fathers side is filled with empaths and quietly religious devout ones just off the boat from Friesland near Denmark. My mothers side is filled with a long standing homage to the USA from the Pilgrims who are eccentric new Englanders who drank, smoked etc… my grandfather was horrific. I hated him for as long as I can remember as he mistreated my grandmother who I adored who was an actress until he forbade it and sounded just like Kate Hepburn. The bastard would tickle his grandchildren while they screamed and told me upon law school graduation “ not to pat my back until it broke” . He was scum. But empathy must start very young like narcissism. I doubt it’s just genetic but my guess there is a link. At age 5, I exhibited it. But even earlier with animals, although my narc X shows the same. Sorry but I think narcs can be highly empathetic to dogs. Maybe an extension? Anyway, the development of narcs and empaths must start young. Very young. But I can’t recall instruction like “ befriend a disabled black girl at school to help diversify our community and make it better.” Or “ rush young ladies to win an award” etc… I honestly can say I have no idea why I did what I did in my youth or if it made a difference but it was genuine. It was innate. They were my friends. As I have got older I rejected sorority reunions as to be honest they are still not my people. I still dislike superficiality as where one lives, how much they make, what they look like and I am proud to say my age, etc… my friends are extremely rich or very poor, it’s not my criteria. Many are artists. Yes. Maybe a tell as so Am I despite my profession as a lawyer. But most are soulful, altruistic, etc… anyway I guess my experience is this supposed weakness as an empath lead me to my second husband of 10 years ( an ex that I booted), comes from somewhere I don’t grasp. I am not a cod. And the martyr only fits with my deep seated religious beliefs of forgiveness and redemption. And above all to serve God. Nor am I perfect, I sin and I was abusive in that I wrote 3 letters to my ex mother challenging her and accusing her of the blatant abuse that caused my ex his narcissism. My goal was for her to go away forever. Abuse is trying to control another’s actions. Guilty. I fully intended to wound her and oh boy did I cause conflict. She kicked him out and he is now homeless under mental watch. Not my goal but in part my result. I personally think he is better off as his living conditions then with starvation and isolation with her to survive were worse. And we don’t speak at all. He blocks me refusing to discuss divorce. Anyway HG we know A LOT about what makes narcs and when, please help us understand this confusion about what makes empaths. By the way Sam Vatnim said we empaths were covert narcs and even psychopaths at one point. There is as much shit about empaths as there is narcs out there. Could you guide us? Why? That’s my question. Genes? you give us insight to CoD empaths especially through Rachel your sister but what about the rest of us? Adult behaviors do not equate with early childhood and genetic or biological development. So take me, why? I honestly don’t know much like an unaware narc. The other side of my “ condition” is my lucid dreams. It’s almost frightening but I am not frightened as it’s sometimes and usually good signs. I will give an example if last night. I had a dream where a woman was preparing a meal in a tent and she said to me that all my bills would be paid tomorrow but she fed me with her hand a fig, then a chicken piece then a tomato. I woke up full. I got a call and new case the next morning. First calls. I get calls every five minutes all day. The court of appeal was my third call. Ok one dream but this is weekly and similar. I won’t bug you anymore on this but it bugs the hell out of me. So ignore it he dreams but outside CoD what mak s empaths Sir… if you know. Let’s stop the social media that we are narcs and psychos.
Hello Hg:
Here are some problems I have with others in narcissism being formed at ages 0-36 months and why I like your approach.
1. This idea that from 0-3 the baby develops a false self from a bad mommy ( Sam Vatnim and others) . Splits. Never becomes an individual. How do you prove what a baby who can’t talk thinks? Where is the empirical evidence? How do you prove mommy is emotionally withholding, or parentifying with a BABY( let me suck your breast? Hello? Let me tell you about my day so you can tell me what advice you have.? Goo goo ga ga..), spoiling ( ummm breastfeeding too much?) instrumental using ( ok use the toddler toilet it will make me reach my goals) . Ok physical abuse and neglect could be documented at 0-3. But it seems unlikely that the cake could be baked unless physical or neglectful abuse is documented at age 0-3. Second, the brain grows rapidly then and onward. More people are introduced like daddy, siblings. It seems to me that narcissism would occur later in childhood development. And if so, early intervention is possible.
Dear HG,
You do have a strong work ethnic, you’re very devoted to your goals. Xx
*Ethic….oops xx