My Wife, My Abuser
HG Tudor analyses the behaviour of the abuser from Netflix’s number one show in the UK
7 thoughts on “My Wife, My Abuser”
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After listening to HG’s YouTube videos about the documentary ‘My Wife, My Abuser: The Secret Tapes’, I watched the actual documentary. Richard Spencer’s experiences were horrendous and the abuse he suffered was heartbreaking. How anyone could do those things to someone they lived with is beyond me.
After listening to Richard’s accounts of his own past and his marriage, the following points stood out:
– Richard’s mother died when he was nine years old.
The reason for her death is not discussed. The cause of death was not mentioned. Was she ill for some time? Or did she die suddenly?
Richard said that his instinctive reaction upon learning of his mother’s death was to repress his emotions. His personal thought process was that males should maintain a kind of stoic response – an inhibition of negative affect – and refrain from an open display of grief.
It’s interesting that Richard’s inhibition of negative affect aligns with a particular childhood behaviour response described in Patricia Crittenden’s Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment and Adaption (DMM Model). In this model of attachment and adaptive behavioural traits, children who tend to use a strategy in which they inhibit their own negative feelings will, at the same time, idealise their caregiver by overlooking the caregiver’s negative qualities.
If this behaviour pattern is repeated during childhood and adolescence without corrective intervention, etc, the child can become a compulsive caregiver whose strategy pattern is to protect themselves by overlooking their own needs and protecting the needs of the caregiver instead. This leads to either compulsive caregiving or compulsively compliant individuals.
Generally speaking, when a child is behaving like a very good boy or very good girl, it is a major sign that the child may be in danger. On the surface, the child appears perfectly behaved and compliant like there is nothing wrong, however, the child’s overly compliant behaviour could be a sign that the child is repressing negative feelings in order to appease a parent who may be aggressive or threatening.
– Richard mentioned his sister who was younger than him. He became emotionally upset during the documentary most visibly when talking about his younger sister and her emotions when she looked at him after she found out about his wife’s abuse.
– Richard’s ‘first love’ was his wife Sheree. He had no prior serious intimate relationship. He did not have a previous learning experience with which to compare his marriage.
All the above points make me think how terrible and harmful it is to make little boys feel like they need to repress their emotions. The ‘strong silent’ little boy is left alone to process his feelings because if he’s not saying anything, he must be ok. How incredibly ridiculous. And incredibly heartless towards boys.
Emotions exist and are necessary. Emotions are the very essence of being alive. We all have them, whether we show them or not, and whether we think we have them or not.
Why do people make the decisions they do? Why do whole societies collectively ‘decide’ to elect a politician, or go on holidays, or buy a certain kind of car, or become a vegetarian, or get married, or stay single, or whatever the case may be? The initiating factor is emotion. I’m not talking about the kind of emotion that looks like sporadic bursts of joy or sadness, but the deep-seated instinctive reactions and patterns that lie behind cognitive and seemingly ‘rational’ decisions.
Ironically, even the criticism of emotion is based on emotion. It’s a strange kind of paradox when you really think about it. The conviction that showing emotion is wrong or weak is based on an emotional and irrational stereotype. It is not based on true logic or sound reasoning.
If Richard Spencer knew how to truly feel, understand and respect his own emotions and was taught as a child that it is normal to have and show his feelings, perhaps he would have felt differently about what was happening to him and he would have left sooner.
HG’s words “from Netflix’s number one show in the UK” says it all really. Interesting to consider that victims of such abuse (similar to Sheree’s towards Richard) may ‘recognise’ people who carry out such physical / verbal abuse, that may have been ‘sensed’ through the Contagion element, or, as an expert of experience (heightened sensitivity / vibes) simply through the other person’s behaviours / body language / facial expressions and by what they say & ho they say it.
Yes, I agree with HG. Sometimes, it is ‘cultural’. Yet, not every single person would necessarily be part of that “culture” – is it because they are not aware of it’s existence?
This series of videos has been really heartbreaking. It must be so awful for a man to undergo this from a woman narcissist because of the additional expectations men have on them about physicality, violence, and how to react to women.
You’re right–‘culture’ is a really complex phenomenon, especially in terms of buy-in and assimilation. I think American culture is highly narcissistic, and by nature I’m not. But it does influence me because I live in it and must respond to it on some level. For example, professional networking the way it’s done here I find particularly transactional, grasping, and empty. It’s very much about the facade and being on the surface. It’s very narcissist-friendly, but it wipes me out. So, I have to assimilate even though I don’t truly accept it.
Since the start of humanity, the male of the species was the dominant, followed by patriarchy, thus the societal ‘norm’ and ‘expectations’ (including conditioning by peers). There is also the hierarchy of ie clans that have / had existed for centuries, of which, some still exist today. Exactly how meerkat families (clans) behave within their ‘territory’. Hence, the culture ‘methodology’ which gets handed down / passed on, including genetically (ie brain patterns / thoughts etc).
I understand and agree with your “particularly transactional, grasping, and empty” – yes, one-sided. I’ve experienced it, lashed against it, learned HG’s work…… it’s still too “systematic” on their part, their way.
‘For example, professional networking the way it’s done here I find particularly transactional, grasping, and empty. It’s very much about the facade and being on the surface.’
Im reminded of a tweet I read Allison:
“One minute I was vibing to a Sublime cover band and watching the ripples of water in the quarry, the next pivoting agile frameworks to optimize operational excellence and achieve seamless stakeholder buy-in.”
‘additional expectations men have on them about physicality, violence…’,
I don’t know if you’ve caught up with the latest documentary on Netflix about the Menendez brothers, Allison, but as young men their fate was also affected by biases and assumptions about whether men can be victims. I recommend it.
Hi, annaamel–
I remember that case and I was so disturbed by it. I haven’t decided if I’m ready to watch the documentary. I remember the prosecutor arguing that males can’t be raped. Truly awful.