Knowing the Narcissist : 7 Sorrows of the Narcissist
1. I am sorry I went away.
You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.
2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.
I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.
3. I am sorry that I hit you.
You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.
4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.
If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.
5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.
I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.
6. I am sorry I am not a better person.
I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.
7. I am sorry for myself.
At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.
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“You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared.”
This was really helpful. I was hurt for so many years because my father abandoned me after a fight when I was 15. We argued over the phone when I confronted him about lying to me all the time. Also he stood me up constantly, contributed almost nothing to my upbringing, and ignored me unless he wanted something. I ached for so long and developed all the typical daddy issues. I let the boys do whatever they wanted with me. I fucked men to try to get numb.
He never told me he loved me or spent much time with me. After the argument, he left my life entirely. Someone in the family trying to force “healing” put me in contact with him about 5 years ago, after over 30 years of his absence. So, he wasn’t dead. He hadn’t been in prison. He hadn’t been ill. He hadn’t lost his mind or joined a monastery or become an assassin. So, what was it? Sitting there as a grown woman, still yearning, still needing him but not sure what to do about that, I had to know. Truthseeker.
He became furious when I asked him why he left me, where the years had gone, and where he’d been. He seethed. None of it was his fault. It was my mother’s. It was my grandmother’s. Maybe it was the Man in the Moon, too, daddy? Yes, my stupid little mistake, maybe it was. Now shut up.
He had gotten married to another woman (but he’d always promised to marry mom), sired twins, and raised them with her. They all lived on a nice, large piece of property with him to this day, he said. Very happy, and his boy and girl, now adults, had made him proud. This was his family, his wonderful children, present company excepted. You really should come down and see it, Al (still with the old pet name). No. No apology.
Now, I understand it. I’d made a demand of him–that he be my dad in more than words. I had found fault. All those years ago I’d insisted on–what? Him. I’d insisted he do more than talk. But in my teenage expression of this need I had wounded him and criticized him. Therefore, I was punished. Likely he wasn’t conscious of why or what he was doing, but the long decades of my exile had done their work. This simplicity amazes me.
Could it be that all this time I might have been free?
Hi Allison,
On another thread, I asked about your Dad. I hadn’t seen this comment. I’m catching up with the emails today. I’m sorry you went through this. Has he tried to make it right at all? My father was a piece of work too. He left when I was 14 but he did come back 5 years later. He never made it right though and he’s lone gone now. He never even tried either. He blamed my mother too.
Hi, Leigh–
Your father leaving and then reappearing like that at such a time in your development must have been quite confusing. I can imagine that it caused a growing young woman all sorts of pain and upheaval. I wish that hadn’t happened to you. I’m so sorry. A girl needs a father.
Several years ago we did speak by phone over a period of time. In the first contact he squashed any discussion of what he’d done through using fury and blame shifting. The sameness of him struck me–he was just as I remembered. Over our period of reunion I began to think, “How could he fix the last 30 years? What could he say or do to mitigate the things that happened to me?” I wanted an explanation, an apology, and his love. I wanted him to welcome me with open arms into his life. But, I realized I was waiting for something that wouldn’t and couldn’t happen, so I went into no contact and remain so to this day.
Hi Allison,
My father leaving created trust issues in me. If my own father could leave, it means anyone could leave. So now the wall is always up.
I was actually estranged from my father when he died. I was in no contact before I knew it was thing. LOL! There was a point in my life though when I did confront him. I asked him how he could leave his children. He told me I was old enough to take care of myself. He was right. I could take care of myself. But what the fuck! I was 14 when he left. After he left that first time, our relationship was never the same. He was in and out of our lives for years after that though. He was back living with my mother when he died. When I would visit my mom, I’d make sure he wasn’t there. But I also didn’t visit much. I avoided the house like the plague.
“But, I realized I was waiting for something that wouldn’t and couldn’t happen, so I went into no contact and remain so to this day.” – That’s exactly it. They never get it. Its never their fault.
Leigh, if I may, how do you find life behind that wall? Do you find it hard or is the security worth it? Asking for a friend…
I’m adding some shelves to mine.
Allison,
Is the security worth it? Hmmm. Yes and no. LOL! When there’s people I actually want to bond with and share a connection with, its not worth it. Even if I know they’re safe, I can still have trust issues. I never give 100% of myself. But their are a couple that I come close to that 100%. I’d like to be able to give more but I’m still too afraid.
Its worth it when it protects me though. It makes it easier to detach. If I haven’t given you my all and you do something that could be hurtful, I don’t care because you I didn’t really let you in anyway.
Hi, Leigh–
“If I haven’t given you my all and you do something that could be hurtful, I don’t care because you I didn’t really let you in anyway.”
I get that. That’s real. Trouble came when I didn’t know how or when to turn it off. I’ve ruined some potentially good personal and professional relationships by solidly walling everyone off out of fear. But you’re right, safety is important. Trust is so hard to work with due to our wounds. I’m determined to exercise more appropriate caution, and I also want to install some windows in the wall and better exterior lighting. I might even take in the “Go Away” welcome mat. I’m keeping the Louisville Slugger by the door, though.
These days I’m taking the “Trust, but verify” approach and trying to find balance. I don’t want to let my past continue to steal my ability to allow the good people in.
Allison and Leigh,
To add to your conversation…
“…how do you find life behind that wall? Do you find it hard or is the security worth it?”
In my case, this is a complicated question.
For many years, I didn’t actually think I had a ‘wall’ even though I was aware that I kept people at an arm’s distance. I was detached (and still am) even though I thought I wasn’t.
I know HG has said he doesn’t use attachment styles in his work, however, the knowledge I have gained from learning about early childhood attachment has been the most helpful in understanding my ingrained issues with trust and the constant habit of keeping people at a distance.
I think I have what is generally called ‘disorganised attachment’. This description is used for young children when a child both wants to be close to a parent yet fears the parent at the same time. It results in confusion, fear and anxiety for the child.
For many, many years, I truly thought I could overcome this ‘detached’ state. I thought that if I tried to do this, or if I focused on doing that, or if was a little more like this, or if I adopted that way of thinking, etc, etc, I could somehow learn and will myself to behave differently; to change my ingrained emotional reactions when with people.
Now I have accepted my emotional reactions because it is simply too hard to overcome them. I think that if I haven’t been able to overcome the detachment after years and years and years of trying, I don’t think I ever will.
My mother once described a game she played with me when I was a small baby. She said she did this in front of people because she thought it was funny and it made her and those she was with laugh. She would stare at me with an angry face and she would keep staring until she could see that I was upset and distressed. She continued to stare angrily, our eyes locked, and it amused her to see that no matter how distressed I was, I would not look away or begin to cry.
She said she did it purposely in an attempt to make me cry. Whoever it was that she would do this in front of laughed along with her because they thought it was amusing that I would get very red-faced, angry, distressed and upset, yet didn’t cry.
I think of this anecdote and it makes me think that my mother both lacked emotional empathy and also didn’t know about early childhood attachment. I don’t think she was necessarily evil for doing something like this. Instead, I think she didn’t know how harmful it was to a child’s emotional development. Her lack of empathy also meant that my upset and distress had no effect on her other than to amuse her.
I think this anecdote is a kind of early indicator of my relationship in general with my mother. For whatever reason, she enjoyed or found it edifying to induce my anger and distress. She probably thought it was some sort of power she held over me.
There were times when I was calm and happy and having a wonderful day, and then my mood would turn dark and angry within seconds of being in her presence. It was a well-worn habit and she knew it. She just had to press the relevant button.
There were also times when my mother did very caring and thoughtful things too. She wasn’t always awful to be around. This makes me think that her actions were not based in spite or due to deliberate malign motives. I think it was more to do with projection of her own negative states and emotions. It was due to her own defense mechanisms and instinctive coping strategies. Her lack of empathy also made her think of me as an object to use. This is why I don’t harbour hatred towards her. Of course I am annoyed and angry at her, but I do not hate her.
My mother’s habitual ways laid the groundwork for my detachment and ingrained tendency to keep people at a distance. It is instinctive.
When you read the theories of, or listen to, well-intentioned people explaining how to overcome childhood trauma, it all sounds rational and achievable. It’s a matter of ‘undoing’ the ingrained instinctive reactions in the presence of safe and trusted people and learning to relate differently.
I know there is always hope; I know that the human brain has plasticity. However, I question whether deep-seated trust issues and anxiety can actually be truly overcome.
Hey Allison:
Sorry about your Dad. He sounds like a narc… if he walks like one, talks like one and if still not sure see HG. The blame shifting says it all. I recall 25 years ago, I went on this date at a top restaurant and he went to order expensive champagne. I had found out I was pregnant the day before and ordered milk. I told him. I was facing single motherhood ( and got married to Mr antisocial within a year). My date said his father left his mother when he was a child. He had been in the Las Vegas papers and was Uber rich and his father popped out of the woodwork and contacted him. His father was married to another, never married his mother, and had a family. My date went on to explain in his youth he yearned for his father a lot but he felt his mother was great. “ she did the best she could.” But as an adult, he wanted nothing to do with the man who could leave a young child. Not worth his time. Cased closed. I feel any person who can walk away from their own child is capable of any cruelty as nothing so cruel absent some exceptional reason ( ie a teen mother who chooses adoption). Maybe you dodged a bullet and if a narc, he is lying about how he treats his other family. Triangulation abuse by telling you! Hugs!