The Three Strands of Empathy
The concept of empathy can be divided into three types. It has three identifiable strands. First of all, there is the idea of cognitive empathy, where I want to understand the point of view of another person, recognize and understand what the emotions of another person mean and what the acceptable response should be. I am able to understand another person’s point of view, but I won’t accede to it unless, of course, I see some interior gain to be obtained from expressing that I understand and accede to that point of view. Even where I explained that I understand it, I still am unlikely to accept it, because to do so, would be to give control to the other person, and that can never happen. Of course, empathic individuals are experts at understanding another person’s point of view. They can operate with cognitive empathy, which sits within their emotional empathy. However, the application of cognitive empathy by an empath is more expansive than it’s used by a narcissist.
The cognitive empathy combines with the emotional empathy so that the empathic individual goes further. They will exhibit patience to allow the other person’s point of view to be articulated. They will ask questions to draw out this view and they will apply it to their own situation and experiences. Empathic individuals want to understand the other person’s point of view. They not only give it a platform to begin with, but they also allow it to be aired, expanded and applied. The ability to do this bleeds into the empathic traits of patience, needing to understand, being a truth seeker, compassion, honest and ,decency. That need to understand and the ability to see another person’s point of view also means that the empathic individually is far more susceptible to the word salads, the circular conversations, the lies, the half truth that our kind deal in. The empathic individual endures these manipulations and others as they were trying to wade through the quagmire in order to flex their empathy so that they understand the narcissist’s point of view. Of course, our point of view operates from a completely different perspective, and therefore, until such people realise that that is the case, they have no hope of actually achieving it. They find themselves repeatedly frustrated and unable to understand why the narcissist just can’t see what is happening.
The greater narcissists and the Ultra have substantial cognitive empathy. We understand the other person’s point of view and emotions. We also know how we are expected to respond so that we are able to mimic the external indicators of those emotions which we do not possess such as joy, happiness, sadness, and thus we fit in with those around us with considerable ease. If you want to understand more about this, see The Imitation Game. Sometimes, there is the very slight discernible delay, as we rapidly recall what the appropriate response is, and then ensure we arrange our features, language tone and body language to match the emotion that we wish to convey, but this is all entirely cognitive. We do not feel these emotions. We do not operate from a place of feeling.
Mid-range narcissist have good to very good cognitive empathy, dependent on the relevant subschool and they follow a similar path to that of the greater narcissist or ultra, but they may have certain responses missing, and there will be more of a delay before the mimicking emotion is displayed. Occasionally, the mid-range analysis will get it wrong and provide a response which is somewhat out of sync to what is required, or can come across as stiff and robotic, since they don’t have the practiced ease of the greater or ultra in mimicking the acceptable response.
Lesser Narcissists don’t have cognitive empathy at all and therefore you’ll be faced with someone staring at you as they are unable to comprehend what they should be doing. This coupled with their lack of awareness means they often have no idea that there’s something wrong and similarly have no idea of what the appropriate response ought to be.
Secondly, there is empathy concern or emotional empathy, whereby an individual is able to feel the emotional state of another person, feel a response in reaction to that, feel a need to address that emotional state, and therefore show the appropriate concern for the individual, invariably through actions as opposed to solely through words. In all schools of narcissism, we have no capacity whatsoever for emotional empathy. None. Some of us have cognitive empathy, Lesser Narcissists do not. We feel nothing for anybody else with regard to sadness, concern, joy, happiness. There is simply nothing there.
Our cognitive empathy, where applicable enables us to recognize something is wrong, what the response of the individual means, anger, hurt, upset, frustration, etc. Therefore we can, should we deem it in our interests (calculated where greater or ultra or instinctively for the mid-range narcissist), we then respond in a particular way in order to assert control, draw fuel, gain character traits, and/or residual benefits, but we don’t feel anything. There is no emotional response from us to your pain, to your joy, to your hurt. We do not share your joy. We do not feel the need to comfort you because of your pain. We understand that this could be done if it benefits us. We do not feel concern in our chests for your misfortune. We merely observe and intellectualise the response, where appropriate. We feel nothing. Unsurprisingly, the empathic individual has large amounts of emotional empathy and has all of the requisite elements of this particular strand of empathy intact and in intense quantities. The empathic individual is able to recognize the emotional state of another with considerable ease, even in circumstances where that individual is trying to mask it. They absolutely feel and recognize the need to do something when they see somebody else’s emotional reaction. This compulsion is almost irresistible for the empathic individual and they are also fully acquainted with what they should do by way of response. They do it instinctively, they feel it, they don’t have to think about it. They will share in the joy, congratulate when someone is happy through good news, console when someone is miserable and and hold them when they are heartbroken. I have witnessed this many times, and it still fascinates me that there is this ability to feel for another individual. It is not something that I would ever want, but I naturally rely upon its existence, because it is the empath that becomes bound to us, the easiest to ensnare, and the best provider of the prime aims, because of the existence of emotional empathy.
The empathic individual, of course, is no different with our kind, and sees our emotional response, albeit from a limited selection, then feels the need to address it and also knows how to address it. Thus, when we discharge our fury, our hatred, our envy, and our antipathy, the empathic individual owing to this emotional empathy, this concern empathy, is always galvanised into action and will rarely shirk the challenge and they will want to address the issue, often at a considerable cost to themselves.
Finally, there comes the concept of the emotional contagion. This is a deep seated, and one may even regard it in a sense as a spiritual element of the empathic individual. This is not just about understanding a point of view, or recognizing an emotional need, or feeling the response, but it is about feeling the emotion in the way that somebody else does. Thus, if a friend is upset over the death of a parent, the empathic individual is contaminated by this grief and experiences the same emotions as if they were grieving themselves. This not only means that they will fountain with fuel which of course our kind will exploit, but they are powered into recognizing the need for doing something and then actioning this and to an extent afforded even greater than would be by cognitive empathy or emotional empathy. The emotional contagion is a powerful force.
The emotional contagion exists in nearly all empathic individuals, but is far more intense in certain people. Indeed, its intensity can even go beyond proximate to the person experiencing the emotion. The individual who experiences emotional contagion takes on the feelings of others is if they were their own, they become burdened by them, they become weighed down by them, they feel in need to cleanse, they feel the emotions of places.
Naturally, this is not something that a narcissist ever experiences. But those that have the contagion element with regard to the type of empath that they are, will experience this in different degrees. The contagion aspect is a visceral, deep-seated acquisition of the feelings of others, taking them on, experiencing them for themselves, feeling weighed down by them, feeding burdened, often needing to seek solace and recluse to allow those emotions and feelings to be lifted from them. I have heard many of those that I’ve dealt with talk about such experiences.
These individuals will read a morning newspaper and seeing a moving article about the plight of an orphan, and they feel that despair as well. It is an immensely powerful part of their empathy, and causes their empathic drive to have to respond to it. They feel the positive and negative feelings of the energy of others, sometimes apparently even when distant, and this feels uplifting, possibly overpowering, or draining, and indeed burdensome. Those with the heightened majority element of the emotional contagion feel a deep-seated connection, they experience the presence of others, and those with the majority element of the emotional contagion feel a deep-seated connection. They experience the presence of others, and there will be times they have to remain away from people, in order to divest themselves of the deleterious effects they have been able to feel so much.
We have no such emotional contagion. It is completely absent, and therefore we have nothing which might cause us to feel something so that we act upon it. There is nothing there. The plight of the orphan is not felt by us, and we are utterly unmoved. The fear of the heroine on television is regarded with annoyance, since our primary source seems more concerned about that person than about us. We cannot allow that to be the case.
The only time that we regard this emotional contagion as any use is when it serves our purposes when the empathic individual directs their fuel towards us because of this emotional contagion. We do not have this contagion.
All narcissists are absent of emotional empathy.
Some narcissists have cognitive empathy.
Empaths operate through emotional empathy within which they experience cognitive empathy, but a more deep-seated and expansive version than that occasion by narcissists. Some empaths have the third strand, which is the emotional contagion.
Accordingly, the three strands of empathy are (1) emotional (2) cognitive and (3) contagion.
7 thoughts on “The Three Strands of Empathy”
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I’m sending this again because it said there was a failure to send. I don’t know what happened
But this is helpful. I think I lack cognitive empathy sometimes.
I saw a post online that said “when you’re autistic it’s like having a perspex sheet between you and other people.” And I related to that because I lack interest in most people.
A work colleague said to me “we really like having you in the office” and i was like “cool” and she was like “yeah we really like you being here” and I was like “sure thanks” and she said “how do you feel being here?” I said “I have to be here it’s my job” and she said “you’re not supposed to say that, you’re supposed to say you like being around us too.”
I was like “eh?”
You always know some buffoonery will follow, Witch, if you are asked “how do you feel”.
She really wanted me to lie for free!
So anyways, I’ve learnt that if someone compliments you, then you have to compliment them back.. I mean I’m still not doing it if I’m not feeling it, but that’s what I’ve learnt
This helps to explain to me how I’ve been feeling since reading about what happened to Kiena Dawes. My emotional reaction was visceral when I read it. The feeling felt beyond just empathising with her plight, it felt like it was happening to me. As though I could feel her pain, her fright and the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. I still haven’t fully shaken the utter sadness for her and the blistering anger for him.
Thank you for this article HG. You have this amazing ability to always articulate with pin point precision the inner workings of the human mind.
CSW,
When I learned of Kiena Dawes and what Ryan Wellings did to her, I also had a visceral reaction. In addition to the sadness I felt for Kiena and anger for her abuser, it was difficult for me to believe and accept that:
1. A young mother would kill herself, seeing no other way forward, leaving behind her small baby; and
2. A young father could be so incredibly callous and void of humanity that he physically and verbally abused the mother of his child to the point where she killed herself.
To me, it is senseless and irrational. It is like the laws of nature are being turned upside down – that is, a young mother and father did the opposite of everything that would make their own baby happy and safe.
Since reading more about the case, I learned that Kiena’s father, who she felt very close to, had died in 2020, during the same year when she began a relationship with Wellings. It would appear that soon afterwards, Kiena became pregnant. During this time, Kiena was also physically and verbally attacked by Wellings.
With these aspects in mind, it is evident that Kiena was simultaneously:
a) in the early and most emotionally raw stage of grief from the loss of her father;
b) pregnant for the first time;
c) verbally devalued and physically assaulted by her boyfriend who she was living with and had known for about a year; and
d) was 23 years old.
The police did not crack down on Wellings and essentially said to Kiena, “if he comes back, then you call us and he’ll be arrested.” Why wasn’t he arrested on the spot?
Kiena was given an emergency alarm to ring if necessary. Oh, wow, how helpful. I’m sure she could remember where it was and calmly find it and ring it while she was lying unconscious after her head was slammed in a door.
It occurred to me that when Kiena was on the floor unconscious with her head bleeding, her baby daughter may have seen her lying there. To a baby, it would look like her mother was dead. A small baby, whose only way of surviving – that is, her mother – would assume her mother was dead and gone. That could cause untold distress to a baby who wouldn’t remember the sight as a lucid memory but would have the emotional memory of the chaos and fright.
It makes me really annoyed and angry that with everything Kiena was dealing with on a daily basis, the mainstream media and the court proceedings downplayed the difficulties of her situation and instead highlighted her so-called “emotionally unstable personality disorder”.
Honestly, what a ludicrous crock of shit!
Who the hell wouldn’t be emotional in that situation?
Instead, the police, the emergency services, the lawyers, her own family, and the useless, cocaine-using rat she was ensnared by are supposed to be the ’emotionally stable’ ones?!
No, they are the emotionally dead and disconnected ones.
And people wonder why the number of narcissists and psychopaths is growing.
Hi WiserNow,
In one of HG’s videos or articles, I can’t recall which. I remember something along the lines of a narcissist goes into a bar and looks around, instead of seeing people he see’s all different shades of colours. You had a colour for Narcissists, a colour for normals and the ones that shined brightest are the empaths. A sort of beacon.
She suffered from mental illness, was grieving her father and was only in her early 20’s.
She would have been brighter than the Sun to him.
Quote from an article I read
Wellings launched a prolonged campaign of abuse against Dawes almost immediately from the outset of their ”intense relationship” in 2020, the court heard.The landscape gardener had Dawes’ name and face tattooed on his body within weeks and proposed inside three months
Due to HG’s teachings, I can see the glaring red flags but I didn’t/ couldn’t see this in my 20’s. So I am not surprised she couldn’t see them either.
“To me, it is senseless and irrational. It is like the laws of nature are being turned upside down – that is, a young mother and father did the opposite of everything that would make their own baby happy and safe.”
I have to disagree slightly with you on this one.
I think she did her utmost to keep her baby safe. It’s evident in the fact that she took the baby to her friend’s home so she could be looked after.
Even with her mind made up, her goodbye letter written she still made sure her baby was safe.
The authorities let her down in so many ways. She was probably made to feel that she was making a mountain out of a mole hill. That she was a bother and just being overly sensitive.
She is what being completely broken and helpless looks like. I’ve been there and I know those feelings all too well. To feel that deep despair and to lose all hope that things will get better.
Death or the thoughts of death feels like a sweet release from the pain.
I understand why she did it. I’m angry that no one was able to help her and those who had the power to do so pretty much turned a blind eye.
I’m also incredibly angry knowing that he feels no guilt, no hurt and no sadness for her. He made her life a living nightmare and yet ultimately he had not one ounce of love or care for her.
Why do some suffer so much when they don’t deserve to, and yet the ones who do so much harm and pain, sleep soundly in their beds each night.
It just seems incredibly unfair.
Hi CSW,
Thank you for your comment. I have read through it a number of times.
I hope you don’t mind me saying this, and please know that my reply is only meant as an observation.
On the surface, your comment is very sympathetic and conveys sadness for Kiena and anger at her tormentor. I can also sense that your sentiments towards me convey kindness. For these things, I appreciate your reply.
When I first read your comment, I found some aspects curious. Again, I hope you don’t mind me saying this. I think that HG’s blog is a forum that allows people to be honest (while respectful) and I find this aspect of the blog very heartening and I am grateful for it.
What I find curious in your comment is that you echo some of the ‘normalisation’ of the kind of abuse suffered by Kiena.
What I mean is that you have described Kiena as having a ‘mental illness’. You have pointed out that she didn’t see the red flags. You have mentioned her caring for her baby until the awful end. You point out that your anger is due to Kiena’s abuser not feeling guilt or hurt or sadness. You point out that the ones in power who could have done something turned a blind eye.
In all of these things you have mentioned, the effect that I am ‘hearing’ from you (and I will further explain what I mean by the word ‘hearing’) is that Kiena ‘should have’ done better.
What I mean by the word ‘hearing’ is probably better defined by ‘sensing’. It’s not a case of understanding the explicit definition of your words. Rather it’s a general perceptive sense of the tone of your overall message.
It’s difficult to explain this in words because it’s more of a tone or colour that is expressed by your comment as a whole.
I can only explain it in words, though – therefore I shall give it a try.
For example, you say that Kiena’s abuser tattooed her name and face on his body within weeks of them meeting. You say that Kiena was young and therefore couldn’t see “the glaring red flags.”
The tone that I get from this example is that it was Kiena who “should have” seen the red flags.
Meanwhile, her boyfriend of a few weeks actually went to a tattoo artist; requested tattoos of Kiena’s name and face; had the tattoos permanently injected into his skin; and was a 30 year old man at the time (I believe).
Despite his irrational and manipulative actions, you emphasise Kiena’s failure to see the red flags rather than her abuser’s irrational actions. Therefore, Kiena is more to blame for not knowing the tattoos were red flags than her abuser is to blame for getting the tattoos permanently injected into his skin in the first place.
Another example: Before Kiena took her own life, she made sure her baby was safe by leaving the little girl at a friend’s house.
What about her abuser? What about his being a father? At that point in time, he had already fathered three children – his daughter with Kiena was his third child. (Who knows – by now, his new girlfriend may already be pregnant with his fourth for all we know.}
In the media reports and commentary I have read, there are hundreds of instances where people mention Kiena being the mother of a small baby. Meanwhile, the father of that same baby is described as a ‘cocaine-user’ or ‘landscape gardener’. His being a father of three is very seldom mentioned.
Yet another example: You have mentioned Kiena’s ‘mental illness’ (which I seriously question in light of what I have read about her) and this was also highlighted by the legal practitioners and media reports. This outright depiction of Kiena, repeated in almost every news report about her, immediately and automatically paints her as being somewhat flawed and deficient as a person.
Meanwhile, the abusing, attacking thieving, drug-using, abandoning and remorseless abuser is ignored when it comes to a media-reported ‘mental illness’. For some reason, his highly erratic, egregiously inhuman actions – which are actually criminal actions – are not found described with the term ‘mental illness’.
There are more examples I could mention.
Again, I would like to highlight that I am not replying to criticise you or your thoughts. Instead, I would like to respond with a worded reply that hopefully describes the perception that I get from reading your comment as well as media reports and other comments about the case.
What makes me angry and annoyed about this case is the way elements of it are framed in public discourse. These elements very subtly but also unequivocally colour the so-called ‘victim’ in this case as the one ‘who should have done better’ while the 30-year old drug-using father of three who physically attacked her and emotionally tormented her, driving her to her death, is hated and vilified but despite this is not described as having a ‘mental illness’ and is essentially protected by law enforcement and mainstream media.
I hope my thoughts have come across as I have intended in my reply. Thanks again for your comment.