I Second That Emotion
The emotional spectrum afforded to my kind is limited. The bulk of the positive emotions that you experience have either been stripped away or moulded into one all-pervasive sensation and that is of power. Whereas you might experience joy, elation, happiness and delight, we feel power. That surging sensation which courses through us as a consequence of the receipt of fuel, be it positive or negative. Secure a promotion? I feel powerful. My football team wins? I feel powerful. I seduce a new victim? I feel powerful. I experience amusement, indeed, I have an excellent sense of humour but if I make you laugh through my sense of humour I feel a sense of power once again.
I do not feel sadness. I have, for the sake of gathering fuel, sat through numerous films which are described as tear-jerkers and entertained myself as I have alternated between watching the film and the reaction of the person, invariably an intimate partner, as their expression alters to one of compassion, sympathy and then the tears to begin to flow. I have watched the same film yet I feel nothing. I recognise that the scenes played out by the relevant actors are ones which would be labelled as moving, sad and upsetting, but I feel nothing. When I shift my gaze to the sobbing intimate partner besides me, I begin to feel something. I feel contempt for the weakness exhibited by becoming upset. Not only the fact that these tears flow at all but because they have been generated by acting. How readily people fall prey to what is acting, but I am thankful for that, because if they did not, my existence would be far more difficult. I experience a degree of amusement, because someone is moved by something which is not even real. At least when the tears fall because a pet has been run over in the street, or because a relative has exhaled their last breath on this earth, there is a genuine event which causes grief. Yet, it is always in others. You could flash a montage of images, snippets of footage which encapsulate what people would regard as tear-inducing responses, be they grief or joy and I would remain unmoved. It means nothing to me. The capacity to feel sadness, grief, woe and misery have been removed. I knew them once. I can vaguely remember, or at least I think I can remember, being sad. I do not know what the feeling is but I recall the image from the depths of my memory.
I do not know guilt. Remorse is a stranger to me. I feel no regret nor penitence. Compassion has never been available to me. As for empathy, I do not feel that either. I am, because of my heightened abilities and intelligence, able to understand how people must feel. I have spent many years watching and observing the way that people react to certain situations. I understand when happiness is expressed, I know when regret should be exhibited, I recognise when sadness should make an appearance but I do not feel any of them. If I see you in pain, I know I should demonstrate a concerned expression for you and ask how you are. That is the accepted societal expectation. During my seduction of you, I will indeed adopt that mask of concern and compassion in order to con you into thinking that I am a caring and warm person. I can don the mask which places my facial expression in the correct places. I am able to adopt the appropriate tone of voice and place my hands on you in the gentle manner which is associated with expressing concern for somebody yet despite all these learned expressions, words and gestures I feel no concern for you. I do not feel sorry for you, I do not share your pain, I am not worried about you. I know however that if I am to bind you to me and to extract fuel from you, through your expression of thanks and your gratitude for my apparent care of you, I am obligated to place the mask of compassion on. Of course, as such time as your devaluation commences, I see no need for the pretence and indeed my lack of compassion provides its own reward as your pain is increased by my dismissive attitude, refusal to help and contemptuous sneer.
The Lesser of our kind often do not even know what mask should be adopted and during the seduction stage rather than clumsily grope for an appropriate mask, they will prefer to vacate themselves from the situation, conjuring up some excuse as to why they cannot stay and help. The Mid-Range and the Greater of our kind understand that certain responses are preferred by you and therefore the masks will be brought forth and worn, but only in order to achieve what we want. If the situation dictates that our interests are better served without donning a mask, then that is what will happen.
People often make the mistake of assuming that we are totally devoid of emotion. That is wrong. Yes, there are many emotions, as I have explained above, which we do not possess, but we are not empty of all emotion. I know only too well the emotions of hate, malice, frustration, annoyance, irritation, envy, fury and jealousy. Why am I afforded these emotions and not others? In my discussions with the good doctors and my own consideration of these matters it is evident that in my evolution to what I am, it is necessary for me to have these emotions because they are the catalyst for causing me to behave in the way that I do so I will drive forward, that I will be brilliant, charming and seductive, that I will be outrageous, grandiose, belligerent and destructive, because ultimately all of those things must exist in order to compel me to gather the precious fuel.
If I did not become envious of those in my social circle praising a friend, I would not feel compelled to draw the spotlight of attention on to me by upstaging that person, telling a glorious anecdote or causing a scene. If I was not jealous I would not take those steps and thus I would be denied fuel.
If I was not envious of my neighbour’s new sports car, I would not be driven to throw battery acid over it during the night and then watch from the window his horrified reaction on seeing the damage the next day. Again, I would gain no fuel.
If I felt no hatred towards you for failing me, I would feel no need to keep doling out the various prejudicial and abusive manipulations. Thus you would not be hurt, upset or frightened and I would gain no fuel.
If I felt no malice towards the world and its treatment of me, I would not be compelled to seduce people to provide me with that shield from the world and its outrageous injustices.
It is these negative emotions, the Dark Motivators, which cause me to always be driving forward. The absence of The Hindrances – remorse, guilt, empathy, regret etc. – means that I am not stopped or slowed in my ever onward march. I am not distracted from the sole and necessary task of gathering fuel.
This approach does not mean that my life is less fuel. I am still able to appreciate much that is beautiful, engaging, fascinating and scintillating in this world. I can appreciate the grandeur of centuries old architecture. I can appreciate the magnificence of a musical composition. I can appreciate the athletic prowess of a sprinter to win a gold medal at the Olympics. I can appreciate the taste of excellent cuisine. I can do this because of my higher function above others of my kind who have little or no interest in such spectacular elements of the world. Whereas you will enjoy the piece of music in that moment, I am using the experience of that piece of music to further my aims.
- I may tell you how brilliant a song is because I know that you will be pleased with me for telling you this and thus you will smile, appreciate me and give me fuel;
- I may use the experience of having heard the philharmonic orchestra play Scheherazade in order to boast about it to other people and draw fuel from their admiring and/or jealous responses;
- I may use the experience of knowing all of Depeche Mode’s music to be appealing to a target because she likes that music too, or just to demonstrate that I have a detailed interest in a particular band so that I am of greater interest to her;
- I may use the experience of having heard a particular song in concert to trump your tale about having heard a different one played in order to assert my superiority over you and draw a reaction from you and others.
You experience certain emotions when engaging in certain experiences. I experience a sense of power in that moment or if I do not, I store the experience to use it feel powerful when it is allied with something else, usually an appliance.
My kind mimic emotions because we are unable to feel so many of them. Thus we will second the emotions that we have seen you exhibit and make it seem as if we feel them. I know many of your emotions; I do not feel them. We second your emotions because we are reliant on your emotions to exist. It is something of a paradox that we have never cultivated certain emotions and/or we have been stripped of them in order to make us lean, effective and efficient, yet we also must receive those emotions from you in order to sustain us. We do not want to see your joy directed towards us for something we have said and done because we will then feel joy, but rather for the power that is unleashed as a consequence of your joy providing us with positive fuel.
I am filled with hatred, jealousy, envy, fury and malice but that does not mean there is no room to accept your hatred towards me, indeed I welcome it. As a consequence of my manipulation of you, I want you to stand there screaming your hatred at me until your voice is hoarse and your eyes stand out from your face. The fuel I gain from such an intense expression of negative emotion is immense. Once again I appropriate your emotion and use it for my own purposes. Whether I take it in order to allow me to mimic and copy it, to make me appear more acceptable to other people or whether I seize your emotion as fuel in order to power me and allow my existence to continue, I will always find a use for your emotional output. I put to good use your emotions.
I am the ultimate recycler.
22 thoughts on “I Second That Emotion”
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In response to HG, thank you so much for your dedication to penning a detail reply on parchment! I look forward to seeing it in person … if I live that long, although I don’t expect to be able to view it unless I become a ghost and figure out where to view it. Having finally found and read the rules though, I expect the admission fee would be quite expensive. (That is, if we want any detailed answers to our questions, we have to pay the consultation fee … and cost of admission to to your turreted writing lair would be might higher, I imagine.)
“I’m sorry, but I can’t go on arguing unless you’ve paid.”😉 (Sorry, I can’t help thinking in Monty Python quotes–or other clever entertainment quotes as they seem to fit the situation … which, BTW, I recently found out is an autistic trait!)
And, annaamel, I suspect trying to persuade HG to do anything as an ox would amount to a threat to control in which any person attempting it would end up in the role of the ox. The question is, what is the reward in it for HG? Promising to laugh all the way through “Terms of Endearment” with him sounds like it could be tempting though? Or if the person actually cried, being the one he gets to laugh at derisively.
Wait, HG, would you enjoy it if we laughed so hard that we cried?😂 Or … if we agreed to let you laugh out loud at our pathetic sobs, would you agree to do it in the form of that awesome “Mwahahahahaha!” I’ve heard you let out in the occasional interview or Q&A? Also, to be philosophical, could you pen a manuscript so long that even *you* couldn’t read it? (Oo, I know: just write it in the style of one of my long, tedious compositions, and I bet you’d find it unreadable. On second thought … please don’t as even I often find my writing to be unreadable. There’s a *lot* of it in my email Drafts folder in case I ever need a reminder! Trust me, folks, it actually *could* be worse!🤐)
Please forgive me for belaboring the point, but I’m genuinely interested in understanding: What qualities make for “excellent writing” from your point of view? How are they different from mine in that, while I appreciate great use of language, clever turns of phrase, and suchlike, for me character development is important. I like a character-driven plot as opposed to “melodrama” in which the characters are subservient to the plot … although a good plot *is* important. But for me to be drawn into a story, there needs to be at least one really well-developed, interesting or relatable character for me to root for or try to understand more about, or both.
I know that, as a wordsmith, words are important to you, and I’m one of those people who prefers to see the movie before I read the book because movie adaptations of the books I love never seem to live up to the way I imagine the story as I’m reading. For example, Harry Potter #3 (“The Prisoner of Azkaban”) is where the movies stopped slavishly following the books. And, while I liked the movie, a lot of visuals were added (probably for a 3D *visual* version of the movie, vis a vis the crazy Night Bus ride or the long ride over the Hogwarts ground of Buckbeak).
But my sister had been reading the book series long before I first heard of it (only because Alan Rickman was going to be in it–and then Snape became my “viewpoint” character and made me perceive the whole thing much differently from the way I think it was *meant* to be read). And she started talking “theories” about the books and what was going to happen in the next installment and was Snape really a good guy or bad guy (I had my opinion, and she confirmed it by explaining her theory, but was up to Book #5, “Order of the Phoenix,” which I remember being controversial because a major character dies, and I was thinking, “Please, not Snape!!!” … and actually cheated, skipping to the end to find out before I read it so that if it was, I’d be ready). But what got me to start reading the *books* was when my sister told me how much they left *out* of the movies about the Marauders’ Map … and the Marauders themselves, whose story I found *far* more interesting than the foreground story about the kids and sometimes wanted to smack Harry … or throw a jar of dead cockroaches in his direction as he runs out of Snape’s office. (Snape had really good aim! Oh, excuse me, “Professor” Snape! 😉 )
OK, I don’t want to give any spoilers, but I’ve learned my lesson never to read the book of a screen adaptation because the book is *almost* always better.
But, HG, do you watch movies (or read books) and identify with a character or somehow want that character to succeed? And do you employ the “willing suspension of disbelief” when watching a film, as well as when reading a book? Have you never been able see a movie through the eyes of, for example, the *villain* of the story, a narcissist perhaps, and wanted that person to win in the end? And, well, I suppose the answer is no because by definition you can’t, but during the experience of seeing [insert your favorite movie character here] lose in the end or win in the end, do you genuinely feel *nothing* for that character because it’s just an *actor* embodying that character on the screen for the purpose of telling a great story no matter how believable the performance is? Are you not able to suspend your disbelief ever to imagine that character is real and share that character’s emotional experience–if, say, it’s a villain who gets defeated … or ends up winning. Do you *never* experience the villain’s anger if he’s defeated or celebrate if the villain succeeds in the end?
I keep thinking about that fascinating interview you did about literature and literary narcissists–characters as well as authors–and would *love* it if you would elaborate more! (And even compare the literary versions with any film adaptations, especially if multiple adaptations have been made. For example … which actor do you think portrayed the best Long John Silver??? Also, what about “sequels”–taking a literary character by someone else and writing something like, “Long John Silver: The True and Eventful History of My Life of Liberty and Adventure As a Gentleman of Fortune & Enemy to Mankind”? Which is probably the second most awesome book I’ve ever read after “Treasure Island,” which I first read and got into pirates at the age of 12 because of … the way the actor portrayed the character faithfully to the novel but also made it his own.)
BTW, is Severus Snape a narcissist? an empath? a tragic character? Would anyone else here besides me love for JKR to rewrite the series from his POV???
Thanks in advance. I know literature was your major, HG, so I’m fascinated by how you perceive stories and the characters in them. As well as if there’s *any* literary character who, when brought to life on a screen by an extremely talented actor, one of the ones you mentioned you’d want to play you in a biopic about your life, wouldn’t elicit contempt from you if your IPPS exhibited a genuine emotional reaction of *some* kind.
BTW, Charles Dickens, a narcissist??? I’d love for you to add a video about him to your Literary Narcissists collection. Or David Copperfield if, as being said to have been the closest character to Dickens himself, he is a narcissist? Or perhaps a more idealized version of Dickens? Wouldn’t you enjoy extending the series on literary narcissists (and their authors)? (One of my favorite actors/playwrights/authors, Emlyn Williams, started out as a fan of Charles Dickens & used to make paper dolls to act out the scenes … and when he grew up, he did a one-man touring show as Charles Dickens … and recorded an LP record of many of the story selections, which I’ve used to help me fall asleep at night (not because he was boring by any means, but because I like his voice. Not that anyone here probably remembers him or has even heard his name–although he gave Richard Burton his first & second big break, casting him in a play he wrote called “The Druid’s Rest” and in a movie he wrote, directed, and … played the VILLAIN in, “The Last Days of Dolwyn.” He even introduced Richard Burton to his first wife Sybill, the mother of his acting daughter Kate Burton … and couldn’t stand Elizabeth Taylor for obvious reasons. Also one of Emlyn’s sons, Brook Williams, was an actor and became part of Richard Burton’s … dare I say “coterie” (?) of friends. There’s *loads* of biographical info about Emlyn Williams. Was *he* a narcissist? He’s one of the rare actors I like who actually *enjoyed* playing villains! But he always made them kind of “fun.”
PS: Also, all these years, I could never understand why people never ANSWER me honestly when I ask, “How are you?” actually wanting to know how they are!!! BTW, have you figured out how to answer at the doctor’s office when you’re greeted with, “How are you?” when the reason you’re there is because you’re “terrible”? Like are you supposed to say, “Fine, thanks, how are you?” one minute, wait for the, “Fine, thanks,” and only THEN give the list of reasons why you’re there? Neurotypicals! Who can figure them out???!!! Not me. BTW, how’s the weather over there today? 😉 (Are we allowed to use emojis here? Because I *really* want to give that one an eyeroll! I ALWAYS get caught off-guard when somebody asks about the weather. Especially if there’s no disaster-level weather event in the news. Although now that I know why they ask such stupid questions, especially if I’m talking to someone in person and there’s a WINDOW right over there they can see out of, and they can see “weather” people are wearing raincoats & carrying umbrellas–let alone shaking out wet umbrellas in the waiting room- or bundled up in thick winter coats & mittens, I’ll have to start preparing my answers for every impending interaction with a neurotypical! Or maybe not. Maybe I should actually accept my lot in life and stop trying to get along with people who are only going to reject me as soon as I drop the mask. Because having to FAKE being “one of them” in order to be treated well feels manipulative to me, and autistic people just don’t “do” manipulative. Not well, at least. Which I suppose is the difference between your narcissism and autism. Although I’m still eagerly anticipating your in-depth analysis/explanation of Elon Musk, who is clearly a narcissistic psychopath, yet I also believe him when he says he’s autistic!)
As ever, HG, this was an intriguing and enlightening read about your experience of emotions. As the “student who wouldn’t leave” Tudor University, however, and a narcissistic addict as well (and you’ve succeeded at becoming my sole “drug of choice” from a “safe” distance, if there is such a thing, because as much as you fascinate me with all the info you provide, entertain me with your humor, sometimes terrify me, and often make me feel sad and shed a tear even if you admit that all narcissists lie and I have no way of feeling certain of how much of what you tell us about yourself is true), you’ve just raised a couple of questions:
“When I shift my gaze to the sobbing intimate partner besides me, I begin to feel something. I feel contempt for the weakness exhibited by becoming upset. Not only the fact that these tears flow at all but because they have been generated by acting.”
As a literature major, it seems that you have an appreciation for fiction. As a willing consumer of what I consider to be great acting, I have an appreciation for fiction, albeit in a different form. I’ve seen some films that I’ve despised because I’m constantly aware that the filmmaker is *trying* to “jerk” tears from the audience (literally), e.g., Steven Spielberg in most of his work, especially “E.T.,” which I’m old enough to have seen in a theatre & been disgusted by because it was so obviously manipulative. Likewise the movie “Terms of Endearment,” which I knew going into it–it was the only movie in a tiny town in the mountains where my family & relatives used to stay for a week every summer and got dragged to with everyone else–was a tearjerker and found it to be absolutely relentless in that regard to the point where I was *determined* not to cry because I knew it was fiction … and I didn’t particularly like the cast either. And until I was a legal adult, I succeeded. (I used to be really good at holding in my movie tears as a kid who was apparently somewhat late at developing genuine emotional empathy EXACTLY until the first time I managed to move out of my needless-to-say controlling, emotionless, scapegoating narc-father’s house the minute I turned 18, while my mother was in the hospital with a bleeding ulcer requiring 10 blood transfusions for which, along with every grey hair on her head, she blamed ME and MY stress-inducing behavior–behavior that I now know was caused by mother’s, who was actually an EMPATH being abused by my father, who mercilessly mocked all her emotions to my sister & especially to me such that I genuinely believed that exhibiting emotions was BAD, and a combination of undiagnosed ADHD, autism, & Complex PTSD. In my newfound freedom to think for myself, I suddenly found myself doing some serious “soul-searching” about who I actually was before all the abuse and bullying I went through from the minute I started junior high school, both in school and at home when I started trying to individuate & he found out I liked–horrors!–ROCK MUSIC, which automatically made me a hooligan and I’m pretty sure is when he finally made his decision that my younger sister, who saw me getting yelled at and punished for everything I did & went out of her way to do the opposite, including manipulating me with constant threats of & actual tattling on me while she got away with anything she wanted because she didn’t have ADHD & was content to hide in her bedroom every day after school, do homework, & get straight A’s in school, while I barely managed to graduate with a C average. And THAT was when I shed my first tear for my mother. And regained the voice I literally lost in high school and around males since my father had moved us away from all our relatives when I was four & became my only male role model, whom I genuinely saw as “perfect,” a “genius,” and my hero. But my liking rock music & the friend who used to invite me over to listen to her record collection was what he much later admitted in a therapist’s appointment when I finally asked him WHY he’d subjected me to all those “Murdering Without Feeling” Silent Treatments, to which I initially reacted in exactly the way HG described in that video that told my father his control over my emotions was complete, not that I had those words for it yet but was very close in time to discovering them & what he really is from HG’s work, was when my friend “stole you away from me.”) Sorry about all the exposition, but to me it seems relevant because I remember (as the oldest cousin at 22) as we filed out of the theatre seats, one of my cousins who’d been sitting next to me turning back to look at me with tears streaming down her face, and I instantly lost it and started crying just as hard as she was. And not so much over the movie, which I still think was manipulative and stupid and annoying, but because SHE was crying. Just THINKING of another person’s genuine suffering can turn me into a blubbering mess … probably compounded by all the tears I held in for the first 18 years of my life.
BTW, it’s generally agreed upon by ACTUAL experts in autism that autistics not only have difficulty in learning–let alone implementing, for our entire lives!–“normal” social skills, but that we lag behind our peers by about five years. (Which explains why my mother was constantly complaining that I was acting “immature,” not to mention “obsessive” about what I now know are my perfectly normal AUTISTIC “special interests.” She wasn’t generally abusive in the way my father was though–dealing with an undiagnosed “AuDHD” child without any support would make ANYONE snap occasionally–and we actually became best friends over time once she didn’t have the responsibility of being my “mother” anymore and was formally diagnosed with ADHD, although it was her inherent nature to need to “mother” & nurture everyone, & being the only extrovert in our nuclear family/my father’s cult, was much beloved by everyone who knew her. And that nurturing instinct included my narc-father, whom she kept telling me I needed to be nice to because he’d been abused as a child & couldn’t help being the way he was, and I only realized towards the end of her life when she finally broke down & become a “non-functioning appliance” as all the stress-related health problems inflicted on her by my father began to give her vascular dementia & he couldn’t wait to dispose of her in a nursing home (contrary to her doctor’s advice) from which he had me banned from visiting because I was the only one of us who actually WANTED to, was being seen as her primary caregiver, & was making him look bad by comparison, the extent to which she’d been PROTECTING me from the even WORSE treatment I’d have got from him–as well as my sister & her Greater narcissist husband I’m now being subjected to–without her intervention, AND that, having made it to 81 years old while staying married to him, she was not just codependent, but a SUPER-empath. Yet he won in the end and is still around making my life miserable at 88 and counting. And he’s only, I’m pretty sure, a Middle Mid-Range narcissist, still protective of me as his “property” despite our extremely difficult No Contact regimen given that he lives next door, and the one person still standing between me and my narci-sister and her extremely vindictive Greater narcissist husband.)
Sorry, I didn’t mean this to become a whole blog in itself, but most autistics feel the need to overexplain ourselves since we’re constantly being misunderstood, & being a literature major, HG, from my ADHD perspective, you must be a speed reader! Also, for anyone here who doesn’t know me, that was the short version of why I’m asking & my understanding of what HG is saying in this blog, which is why I have …
QUESTION 1 FOR HG:
Given that we’re both serious consumers of fiction, albeit in different forms, how do you enjoy literature without immersing yourself in the story and taking the points of view of the various characters? To me, having actually written but not published a first-and-a-half draft of a novel that everyone who read it for me & gave me feedback–including the very FIRST draft–said was very good & didn’t need any more editing & I should just get it published, writing a story is the EASY part. Whereas acting, to me, is the ultimate form of creative expression in that a GOOD actor is using the entirety of their being to bring a character off the page and to LIFE in the mind of the beholder. And the TRUE test of a great actor, the ones I “fangirl” over, is whether that actor–who I KNOW is acting/pretending–can actually bring me to tears. In fact, Paddy Considine in “House of the Dragon,” the first place I even became aware of his existence … I couldn’t stop crying for a full HOUR after his final episode and was tweeting like crazy that he needed an Emmy award! (And, figures, it was too early in the season when “Succession” was ending and swept the entire thing for the academy to remember, apparently. As if Paddy was coming back in Season 2. Not that he sort of didn’t … and overshadow the entire thing I couldn’t even bother to finish watching past the third episode because every other character in it is so despicable. Even Rhys Ifans, whom I usually like, couldn’t motivate me to watch Episode 4 … although [spoiler alert:] didn’t they pull a re-do of Season 1 and banish him again in Episode 3???) Of course, once I found out Paddy is autistic too & is open about it (♥) & saw him in several interviews, it was no surprise to me that he’d put his heart and soul into that role, including his own real-life experiences and was given free rein by the producers and directors to influence his character arc and make it his such that George R.R. Martin said upon seeing the result that he wanted to tear up and rewrite his entire story of King Viserys.
So what makes crying over an ACTING performance so contemptuous? (Not to mention, Paddy, who, unlike most British actors, never went to acting school but is just a “natural”–although, as with Sir Anthony Hopkins, the public life of an autistic person is forced into being almost entirely one long, exhausting acting performance, much like that of The Ultra narcissist based on what you’ve said–co-wrote & made me cry watching him in his theretofore most famous performance in “Dead Man’s Shoes,” in which he was … well, I won’t give any spoilers, but I watched it three times and understood it better each time, and then watched it AGAIN and understood it even MORE after watching a video analysis explaining it all!) Is it ALL experiences of an acting performance that elicit genuine, overwhelming emotions like love and grief enough to produce tears? Or are do you just mean manipulative Spielberg drivel like E.T.? Are there acting performances that cause YOU to experience the genuine emotions that you experience, or do you just shrug them off because they’re fake?
BTW, it seems to me that it takes an empath to pull off a sustained performance that can elicit tear-jerking empathy for a fictional(ized) character. Especially if that character is an anti-hero, mentally ill or damaged in some way, or a pure villain on the page. Although given the obscurity of most of my favorite actors, maybe it takes an empath to even notice the brilliance of their work? What do you think?
QUESTION #2:
You wrote, “I am, because of my heightened abilities and intelligence, able to understand how people must feel. I have spent many years watching and observing the way that people react to certain situations. I understand when happiness is expressed, I know when regret should be exhibited, I recognise when sadness should make an appearance but I do not feel any of them. If I see you in pain, I know I should demonstrate a concerned expression for you and ask how you are. That is the accepted societal expectation. During my seduction of you, I will indeed adopt that mask of concern and compassion in order to con you into thinking that I am a caring and warm person. I can don the mask which places my facial expression in the correct places.”
Since finding out that I’m autistic about four years ago, which finally explains so much (and grieves me that my mother was never allowed to find out the super-human feat of raising me that she accomplished better than most parents whose children have a diagnosis and who receive support & are autism-aware), I’ve only just learned that expressions like, “How are you?” are NOT actual questions asking for information; they’re formulaic ways of saying hello and are not to be answered with anything more than one or two words, usually “Fine,” “Well,” “So-so,” “Not bad,” and expected to be immediately reciprocated with the same question and responded to with one or two words–whether or not the response is actually true or not. And that all these years, when my father has demanded to know, after I’ve done something he finds fault with, “How could you be so STUPID???!!!” that the reason they turned into Word Salads in which I got steamrolled out of existence is because they were RHETORICAL “questions,” not meant to be answered but a passive-aggressive, MMR (no relation to “Measles, Mumps, & Rubella,” I’m sure, ;)) way of TELLING me that I’m stupid that I was simply to accept and agree with and feel bad about!
Do you relate at all to this experience of having to wear a “mask” (“masking” being the exact same word used to describe how autistic people manage to function–exhaustedly–in society without being diagnosed but merely dismissed as a bit “weird” or quirky, at best, and almost without exception bullied by our peers–one of myriad reasons I’ve never wanted/have a phobia of children) and left to figure out on your own all the socially acceptable things to say and do because of “the world and its treatment of me” if you don’t?
1. Excellent writing stimulates me.
2. As I explained, a mask is adopted.
Thank you. Sorry to be so “hard of understanding.” I guess I’ve flunked out of Tudor U.
Hi Susan
I think we can agree you received a very succinct response!
I liked reading your distinction between the types of movies that lead to crying. Do you think HG would have a similar level of disdain for people crying in more subtly sad movies as he would for those who cry in blockbuster tearjerkers which are crafted to pull the tears out of the audience?
He surely sees all crying as a bit pathetic but maybe he’d reserve his greatest disgust for crying in what is an obviously emotional movie because it shows the cryers for the weak sheeple they are…
As for the masking you refer to in the second part of your post – to me it seems like a similar experience. Both of you need to identify what others around you want even if it’s not what you personally feel like doing because it makes for a smoother course through life. HG may have a slight advantage because he finds it relatively easy to read people and situations and then decide the best way to respond, whereas autism can make reading people and situations difficult – making it harder to work out just what kind of mask is required.
“I think we can agree you received a very succinct response!”
I think we can agree, you’re at it again.
Read the rules.
Annaamel, your repeated digs at HG and smearings of him to his loyal readers who are on top of that autistic and can’t see through what you’re doing, are disgusting neverending ridiculous nauseating displays of your stupidity. Grow the fuck up, lady.
Jordyguin,
How does the description of HG’s response to Susan as “very succinct” equate to either a dig at, or smearing of HG?
His answer was succinct. That’s a factual observation.
WhoCares, please ask your friends to explain to you what you want to hear.
Thanks, annaamel. Sorry for the delayed response. “Succinct” doesn’t mean bad. I should know by now that HG doesn’t do long replies. He’s a very busy man, so, despite his being extremely Ultra, he has more important things to do. I bet he’s writing a followup blog post that answers all my questions in more depth.😉
Hmm, I wonder if one could even drag HG into one of those tear-jerking blockbusters! Unless she were his shiny new IPPS/soon-to-be devastated ex after he’s been made to sit through such a movie with her.
If I had a WordPress account, I’d be able to add a “Like” to your reply. In fact, I see how they try to coerce you into signing up for one by assigning you a bug as an “avatar” if you don’t.
1. Indeed, I am wielding inked-quill and parchment every hour to create a Magnus opus by way of answer.
2. Well, there are times where a tear-jerker provides me with entertainment.
“Hmm, I wonder if one could even drag HG into one of those tear-jerking blockbusters! “
Susan, perhaps as oxen can be encouraged to pull a plough, so HG could be encouraged to sit through 90 minutes of schmaltz.
HG,
ignore the comment about the oxen, dear, you’re not an ox. You’re a fully functioning prize bull with lovely pointy horns and all the bells and whistles.
Hello Susan:
Thank you for sharing. Your vulnerability was brave. My gf struggles badly with an autistic, ADHD and BPD diagnosed child. I may seek you out for wisdom. I don’t share your challenges medically or in a family but I found your experiences enlightening and meaningful. Your explanations shall help me in supporting my best friend with a child in hospital and a residential treatment center. It has lasted this process for 6 years. So again thank you. God Bless you and I wish you the very best!
Contagious, thank you for your kind reply. It’s heartening to see your empathy for your GF and her child, and I’m glad you found my experiences helpful since apparently, being “that autistic,” they weren’t perceived that way by that narcissistic who attacked annaamel and WhoCares, blatantly trolling and insulting anyone who makes a comment and trying to drive people away. I’ve enjoyed reading many of your comments too, but I’ll avoid commenting in the future and stick with YouTube instead if that’s become the usual dynamic here and HG is allowing it. If I have any “wisdom” that could be of help, it would be nice to hear from you, although I don’t know how to get in touch with you privately because I don’t have a WordPress account.
If we do make contact and I don’t have the right wisdom or can’t put it in a palatable way, I can try to recommend what I think are some better sources. Although I don’t have a lot of knowledge about BPD. Do you mean Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? I didn’t know children could be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, at least as it’s defined by the DSM. You didn’t mention an age, but “child” suggests pre-teen to me.
Meanwhile, I’m still learning about autism. That’s probably where I can direct you to some wiser YouTubers for answers on the many aspects of autism and the combination of autism and ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD a lot longer ago, read the books, “saw the movie,” and went to the support-group meetings. Personally, I find ADHD less complex (or maybe I’ve just run out of questions about it to obsess over since autistic people with ADHD tend to have a lot more special interests and bounce around from one interest to another, given that ADHDers have a tendency to start things but never finish them, although I tend to cycle through them and come back to old special interests while continuing to add more and more. It feels like our autism and ADHD are always at odds with each other! Not that there isn’t more recent research into ADHD I could share if we could chat more privately, away from the troll who referred to “his loyal readers who are on top of that autistic” to annaamel and WhoCares. No idea what that even means except that being referred to as “that autistic” who HG’s “loyal readers” are “on top of” seems narcissistic to me. So is that meant to imply I’m not a loyal enough reader to be allowed to comment by providing context and asking questions after eight years of following HG starting with this very site and moving over to YouTube?
And perhaps you could share your wisdom to enlighten me as to what HG’s “loyal readers” being “on top of” “that autistic” is supposed to mean. Apparently, it’s code for something that’s not being stated, which only neurotypicals can understand. All I gleaned was that “that autistic” is sort of like when HG’s friend’s father referred to him as “HIM,” refusing to dignify HG by using his name, and was intended to be mean and hurtful. So I will henceforth take HG’s advice and go “no contact” with “that narcissistic” who considers themselves a “loyal reader” defending HG from the word “succinct,” which, according to the Cambridge dictionary, means, “said in a clear and short way; expressing what needs to be said without unnecessary words,” which is actually a compliment and something I wish I could accomplish. But I don’t think that same narcissistic who was swearing at and rudely insulting people for no reason I could discern, attempting to gaslight and Word Salad them into thinking THEY’RE the trolls when THEY seem like the actual loyal readers/empaths to me.
But if the target audience has changed and HG wants that kind of nastiness on his blog, I don’t belong here, so whoever is “on top of” (???) this autistic, please get off so I can leave … and stop touching me! (I’ve looked for and can’t find the above-mentioned rules, but last time I was here, it seemed to be a friendly community; not so much anymore, and I don’t want to be caught in the crossfire of whatever manipulative mind games are going on here, so I’ll be turning off notifications about any further comments on this post. In fact, if HG wants to delete my comments entirely as if I were never here, I trust his discretion. Sorry for being stupid, HG. If Contagious would like to get in touch with me, perhaps you would be so kind as to facilitate that. Thank you.)
I apologize to all the loyal readers I apparently angered (?) by trying to understand this blog post better.
God bless you too, Contagious.
You didn’t anger anyone and didn’t do anything wrong, Susan.
I can understand how reading hostile comments can have an effect on us but I don’t believe Jordy was criticising you. You were/are the loyal reader she was referencing and the ‘on top of that’ meant ‘in addition to’. So she was saying you are a loyal reader and in addition you’re also autistic. I feel confident she only mentioned your autism because it formed part of the criticism directed towards me.
But your general overview was correct and WC and I posted nothing inappropriate and the responses to us were bad.
I hope you see this comment from me. I enjoy your contributions to the blog, so I hope you continue to comment.
Susan,
I also hope that you stay on and continue commenting and sharing. As annamel stated, you haven’t angered anyone. And I apologize for any of my contributions to the hostile environment that you found yourself in.
I’m glad you pointed out the dictionary definition of succinct, and you made me laugh at the reference to empaths defending HG from the word ‘succinct’ – which is something he likely takes pride in being, at times, since it can contribute to being well-spoken and efficient. We all know he values efficiency.
Whenever there’s an attempt to gaslight someone into thinking *they* have done something wrong or they are the problem it’s always valuable if someone else steps up and says – no that’s wrong. Thankyou for being willing to comment
WhoCares.
Awesome comment Susan, from another the troll diagnosed as autistic all on their own, in what could only have been intended to be meant as a criticism. Who then went on to say that due to their diagnosis of my neurodiversity they could no longer interact with me. Who then, a day or so later, wrote to me again. The troll doesn’t know what they want. I love your comment here, thank you for writing it. I hope the blog becomes a pleasant place again also and that you don’t feel you need to leave.
Hi Susan,
I’ve learned over the years that the best way to deal with unsavory comments is to just ignore them. This blog is an incredible place to learn. Please don’t jeopardize your learning because of the unsavory & provocative comments from some of the bloggers. We can’t change the provocative comments, we can only change our reactions to them.
I hope you decide to stay.