All Alone
Do you ever get that feeling that something isn’t right? What was that noise you heard just now? Was it in a dream or was it real? It sounded like an engine. A deep, throaty engine that you recognise and have heard many times. You sit up in bed and see that it is nearly three in the morning. You tilt your heard and listen, ears straining for that familiar, dread sound.
You hear nothing. Perhaps the engine has been killed and that vehicle is sat outside now. Am I say in the pool of darkness cast by a fence, alert and watching your house. That knotted sensation is quick to take hold of your stomach as you slowly emerge from the bed. You move carefully feeling as if the rustle of the duvet or your bare feet on the floor will make a sound that I can hear.
You know it is foolish for my hearing is not that sharp, but you are placed on tenterhooks and accordingly move in the same way. You make your way to the window where the curtains are drawn. You feel like flinging them back in one sudden motion hoping to make me jump. You see an image of my face pressed against the window, devilish leer prominent and unnerving.
Carefully you move the curtain a fraction and peer through the gap. Your range of vision is limited and you cannot see everything but my vehicle does not appear to be there. Am I watching those curtains which I used to gently pull apart once upon a time? Or am I prowling about the outside of your house, looking for an open window or an unlocked door?
You have held your breath, not daring to breathe, your drumming heart loud and roaring in your ears and you wonder if you mistook that sound for the one of my car engine but you know what you heard. Perhaps I had just driven past? How many times have you seen an anthracite black Mercedes from the corner of your eye as you have walked to the shops, headed to a bar or emerged from work?
Your heart leaps every time you see one and your eyes dart to the registration plate to ascertain whether it is my car. Of course, I might have changed cars now. You do not know for sure. You want to drive past where I live and ascertain which vehicle I drive so that you can keep an eye out for it, but you fear that I may see you doing this and derive satisfaction from your appearance. Something does not feel right. You experience this sensation often these days. T
he hairs on your neck stand up as you feel that you are being watched. When you are about to emerge from your office building you stand behind the glass and chrome scanning the plaza outside for any sign that I am stood there. You think you have spotted me twice but then I departed, evidently alert to your perception. Once you walked leisurely from your place of work to the car park but now you scurry, hoping not to be spotted and hoping that your car has not been tampered with.
Your eyes follow the same drill. They flash over the windows to ensure they have not been smashed. You look to the windscreen wiper to see if a hate-filled note lies tucked beneath one of the blades. There have been several although they are always printed so you were never able to demonstrate they were from me (you wouldn’t be able to anyway – I have them printed on a lieutenant’s PC not my own, I am no amateur). Y
our eyes look over the external bodywork for signs of scratches, dents and lights smashed before you check the exhaust and tyres. You never get in without ensuring nobody is lurking in the back seat and once in you lock the doors automatically and then allow yourself to breathe.
Something does not feel right. It is the same sensation as when you walk anywhere alone. Your steps are hurried, furtive glances cast over your shoulder, alleyways scrutinised, walking by the kerb, away from gates and hedges. You cross the road when a shadowy figure walks towards you.
Often you have someone accompany you but it is not always possible. You pull the curtain aside a little so your range of vision is increased. You can see all to the left of your house but nothing appears to be amiss. You look to the road but you cannot see any vehicle but then again I might be parked around the corner and now stood in the shadow of a tree watching your pale face peering out.
You look to your mobile ‘phone, always charged and ready and consider calling the police, but what would you tell them? You think you heard my car engine? They have been out once this week and although they are always polite you gain the impression that the officers are beginning to think that you are hearing and seeing things. You can tell. Their polite reassurances do not entirely mask the resigned tones with which they speak. Should you call the police? It might be sensible.
Even if I am watching, the arrival of a patrol car should send me slinking away and what about if I am caught lurking outside at this time? That would be good. Then again, perhaps you should wait until you have some concrete evidence, until you see me and then you should call. You do not want the police labelling you a time waster, but something does not feel right.
You shift your position so you can look to the right and silently curse a kink in the curtain as it is obscuring your view. You will need to push it aside and this will surely alert me to your presence. With trembling hand, you move the curtain and then crane forward so you can look over the garden.
With experienced ease you let your eyes drift over the garden, the wall and the fence, looking for shapes that do not belong. Your eyes stop on something in the corner of the garden, where the wall and fence meet, a pool of shadow. Is there a figure there? You stare, eyes adjusting to the darkness and wait. You feel light-headed as you stare trying to see if that inky shape is me or just the imagination that these days seems to be out of control.
No, you cannot see anybody. Your eyes scan the garden again from your lofty vantage point but you see nothing. What if I am underneath the window, tight against the front door and hidden from view? What if I have gone around the rear of the house? You did lock the side gate didn’t you? You cannot remember. You think you did but you have so many repeated checks before retiring at night that it has become something of a blur. All gates need to be checked, windows closed and locked with keys removed – even during summer you endure the heat rather than keep your windows open.
Door handles are tested twice and twice more. French doors pulled and pushed to ensure they are secure. It is a nightly ritual but a necessary one. A friend suggested a dog but who would look after him whilst you were at work. You once felt safe here, especially when I lived here with you, but no longer and moving, in the current market is not an option. Maybe a lodger would be answer? The money would be welcome and so would the company, but this is your home and you resent being forced into these steps by my lingering presence.
Every day when you return from work you sweep the house making sure there has been no entry during the day. You look for anything that has been moved or is out of place which denotes whether a listening device or camera might have been placed in your living room or bedroom.
You were pleased you changed the locks straight away when everything went wrong. You ought to have the place professionally swept. You used to wander about the house naked but no longer, you even feel uncomfortable standing in the shower, nervously glancing upwards looking for the winking red light denoting that a camera has been placed on a shelf and you are being watched.
Nowhere feels safe from me now. Your sleep is fractured and this had led to you struggling to gauge whether your fears are real or imagined. There are too many withheld calls still, the empty texts from unknown numbers and strange voicemails left at work. You know I am still out there somewhere and you have no idea what I might do.
You can see nobody outside and consider whether you ought to check the rear but you really need to sleep. You lower yourself and sit on the edge of the bed, listening for something, anything. You are met by just the blanketing silence. No throbbing engine, no footsteps on the drive outside, no creeping advance up the stairs, no shattered glass, no jemmied door.
You continue to look outside but nothing is moving. Maybe it was a dream? No, you definitely heard that distinctive growl of the engine but maybe it was further away or someone else with the same vehicle. That is possible isn’t it? Your breathing slows and you begin to convince yourself that it was another false alarm. Still, you have that feeling that something doesn’t feel right.
You feel as if I have been near. Your eyes shoot to the wardrobe, mind suddenly filled with the thought that I am inside it, peering through the slats and amusing myself at your fearful expression. You try to shake the thought but you cannot. A sudden ball of anger forms inside of you and with a cry you jump up and fling the wardrobe doors open and drive your hands into the clothing inside, you push and pull but find only dresses and tops, suits and jumpers carefully hung up. I am not there.
You close the doors and run back into bed, jumping into it, like a frightened child who has to run from door to bed so the monsters under the bed do not grab her ankles. Once in that bed, you are in a cocoon of safety. You pull the duvet over your head and lie there, curled up tight in a ball, cursing me and breathing hard.
Eventually you emerge, face warm from breathing under the duvet and you are grateful for the cold air of your room. You lie back and allow yourself to gradually uncoil, ears still listening out for a sound but there comes none. You glance at the clock and see it is now 3-15 am and you really ought to sleep. You roll on to your side and adjust the pillow, praying that slumber visits you soon. If only that feeling that something is not right would leave you.
Morning arrives and you emerge from bed bleary eyed but thankful that you have at least slept. You attend to your usual routine in the bathroom before dressing and heading down the stairs ready to prepare some breakfast. As you descend the stairs you halt as you see something is lying on the mat underneath the letterbox in the front door. It is square and plastic.
It is only 7am and the post man has not yet been although you did not hear anybody put anything through the letter box. You slowly pace down the stairs as that sensation of something being wrong engulfs you. You see it is a CD case that has been deposited. That is not right. Nobody has borrowed any of your CDs. Something is definitely not right. With churning stomach and laboured breath, hammering heart and rising nausea you pick up the CD and turn it over to read the cover.
The Police: Every Breath You Take
That was one of your favourite songs wasn’t it?
Until I told you what the lyrics really meant.
189 thoughts on “All Alone”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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Rebecca,
I apologize! I shouldn’t have second guessed you. I know you see your narc husband very clearly. I’m just a worrier by nature. You’ve got this!
Hi Leigh,
No worries, I understand you were worrying about me. It’s all good. Xx
Hi Rebecca,
Yep agree, plans are good. They offer a sense of control over our destinies, particularly when we feel caught in limbo and we really need to get some control back.
Thank you yes, all clear. I have dense breast tissue so it’s hard to see things clearly on a mammogram. I just have to be checked a bit more often now that’s all.
Stick to the plan. We like plans 😉
Xx
Hi TS,
I was told I have dense breast tissue too, why they had to do both mammograms and ultrasound on me. I hate that machine! I called it the vice machine and a few other choice words.
I’m glad you got good results. I’m hoping for the same. Waiting sucks! Xx
Haha Rebecca! The vice machine, it really is.
“Don’t squish them! I was already at the back of the queue when they were being handed out!!”
Waiting really sucks. One day at a time.
Xx
Dearest truth,
Sending positive vibes lovely ones 💕
Haha! I was going to say the same thing.. there’s not a lot to squish (but still bloody painful)! 👀
Thinking of you Rebecca.. 💞
Dearest Rebecca,
Double sending those good vibes lovely 🥰 🤞
TS,
I plan for all the scenerios running in my head, it helps with the anxiety. I’d rather be prepared, than surprised without a plan. Xx
Hi Rebecca,
I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you. 🙏🙏🙏
Hi Leigh and everyone,
Thank you for your kind words. I have news and I’m looking forward to it being behind me.
I have an appt on Monday with a cancer doctor and she’s going to discuss with me the options I have to remove the mass.
I have friends that are supporting me and some coworkers. I’m glad I have them and all of you here, who care. Xx
Dear HG,
Thanks for moderating and your time. I appreciate you as well. Xx
Hi Rebecca,
Best of luck for Monday. Make sure you have some questions written down to take with you. Easier to consider beforehand than during the consultation when you are more nervous.
You don’t have to ask them, but it’s good to have them ready.
I’ll be thinking about you 🙂
Xx
I’m sending hugs and keeping you in my thoughts, Rebecca!
I’m relieved that you won’t have to go through this alone and that you have friends and coworkers who will be there to support you.
You’re a fighter and a survivor and I know you’ve got this!
Wishing you all good things, Rebecca.
Thank you TS and Leigh! Xx I’ll let you know more as soon as I know more. Xx
Sending lots of love, Rebecca 💞 I’ll be thinking of you also xx
Oh, Rebecca – I am catching up on comments now, and I just saw this about you seeing an oncologist on Monday…my thoughts are with you. 🩷 🩷 🩷
Do keep us in the loop.
Hi Rebecca,
All the best for Monday.
The process you’re going through is something I’m familiar with because some of my family members have been through it as well.
Your doctor will probably tell you about appointments for things like tests and other consultations. It’s helpful to take notes and keep a diary to keep track of everything. It helps to write down dates, names, phone numbers, departments, etc.
In the moment, you may think you’ll remember what you talk about with your doctor, however it can get detailed, especially because it’s already quite stressful. It helps to start off keeping things in order. Take your time to jot down details and don’t let anyone rush you.
Also, ask as many questions as you need to about what your doctor says. In my experience, doctors and others too, were very good at explaining things. Still, it helps to leave the appointment feeling like you have all the information you need to understand things thoroughly.
I hope everything goes well.
Hello Rebecca:
I truly hope you beat it and you have much support including myself hoping and wishing the very best outcome. Cancer is beatable today, my Uncle had stage 4 cancer and in 8 months beat it and is alive today at 83. There is every hope you will prevail! Hugs!
Thank you Contagious! I plan on attacking it aggressively and I’m going to a very good cancer center. I show all the signs of early stage and I’m anxiously ready to fight! I’ll pretend it’s shithead (narc)from work! Xx
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you for the update. I’ll be thinking of you as you go and glad to hear you have good support networks in place. Hugs.
Hi Leigh and everyone,
I found out some things today. I’m stage 2 breast cancer Grade 3, it’s invassive and aggressive. I have to have more test done before they take out the 5cm size tumor.
I got the dna blood work today, so the Doctor will know which treatment will work for my blood chemistry.
I have an MRI scheduled for next Wednesday and a chest xray too. I have a nurse assigned to me to nake the appts, so she’s a big help. I have nore test to do.
The doctor has ro find out more before she can decide what treatment will work for me. I will keep you all informed. Xx Thanks for your kind words and care. Xx
Dear HG,
Thank you and thank you for moderating. I appreciate you! Xx
Hi Rebecca,
Not the news we were all hoping for. Time to fight.
Awaiting the start of treatment will be frustrating, so use the time to prepare your body for what lies ahead.
Build yourself up calories wise, muscle mass wise. Increase lean protein, chicken, fish, no dirty bulking! Processed foods out, plenty of fruit, vegetables and heavy on the protein. Stay active, it will stabilise your mood. You don’t need to go mad at it, but be consistent.
Gladiators didn’t prepare for battle by eating M&M’s and binge watching Bridgerton. Diet and exercise are practical things you can do straight away that will support your treatment, and give you some control. (Check diet with doctor.)
Don’t stop eating because you are worried. Food is preparation, so eat as much as you can, then you can go in kicking.
You got this Rebecca.
Xx
Thank you for the update, Rebecca. I love that they assigned a nurse to you! I know when we’re in these situations sometimes we can black out and miss important information. Having this nurse is going to be so helpful.
Sending hugs!
Thank you for allowing the updates, Mr. Tudor. I appreciate it also.
I shall do so as long as they remain concise and do not deviate from the nature of this blog.
I understand, Mr. Tudor.
Sending lots of love and hugs Rebecca. I’m pleased you have a nurse assigned. Take good care ❤️❤️❤️
Hi TS,
Doctor told me to keep eating healthy and keep exercising. I got a lot of upcoming appts. Thank you. Xx
And thanks, HG for moderating. Xx
Thank you for sharing your update, Rebecca. I’m sorry to read of this and will be thinking of you. It makes sense to have some of HG’s audios with you (access to phone, to watch his videos too) can play ‘spot the narc’ 😉 Do try to keep calm and remember HG’s ET / LT ‘system’ that he teaches us to do so during difficult times. Love to you, Rebecca xx
Dear Rebecca,
I wish you great patience, and I know you will overcome this illness. The very fact that you have dealt with a narcissist already speaks of you as a fighter. Empaths are unique in their strength — you are a tough nut. Everything will be all right.
Cancer is not a sentence in the 21st century. I say this to you as a doctor and as someone whose mother has lung cancer with rapidly progressing lymph node metastases (Stage IV) at the age of 49. And even that was not the end. She is receiving targeted therapy and has been in remission for four years now.
Medicine is advancing by leaps and bounds. In oncology, real miracles do happen — and that is not an exaggeration.
With all my heart, I wish you a swift recovery.
You will get through this, Rebecca.
You will defeat this illness.
Hi Josephina,
I didn’t realize you were so young. The way you write, you sound so mature. I’m very impressed by you. I hope that was ok to say.
Rebecca, oh my God, I’m very sorry to hear that. Wishing you all the strength to go through this period of your life. Sending you good vibes and hugs❤️❤️❤️ I’m a bit surprised with your reaction, you seem so calm. I hope treatment would be sufficient and you won’t need any surgery.
My mother in law of 2nd ex-husband (he is narc) went through this. She did chemo first , then one surgery, then some cancer cells still left, had to do another one. The whole battle lasted a few years. I helped her a lot financially, pretty much paying for everything, cause her son was not earning much. Plus she would call me at the evenings and complain how life is unfair and why her, I would try to calm her down and assure her that she would manage, all is going to be fine. She kept saying that I’m like a daughter to her.
But early this this year, when she found out I wanted a divorce, she left about 20 voice messages for me , they all were very nasty, she was furious and calling me different names and what a bit.h I’m to leave her perfect son, how could I betray him like that, that I would regret,etc. I was a bit shocked, I listened to first 5 voice messages and blocked her, deleting the whole chat. We have never spoken since then.
Anyway, once again, I hope your tumour is benign, it would require a minimum treatment and you recover soon ❤️.
Arya,
It sounds like the apple (your narc ex) doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Hi Leigh and everyone,
Another update. December 8th is my follow up appt with my oncologist. She will have the results back from all the test done, so she will be able to tell me the best treatment option for me based on my own genetics.
We will be scheduling the surgery, after the treatment discussion. It will be done asap. Xx
Dear HG,
Thank you and thank you for moderating and for your understanding. I appreciate you. Xx
Hi Rebecca
You’re always in my thoughts, Rebecca!
I hope your narc husband is still behaving.
Hi Rebecca:
I have known many who can beat breast cancer! My prayers are with you! Hugs!
Hi Rebecca,
I am really sorry to hear the outcome regarding your results – that must have been very difficult to process when you received the news. And it’s hard to know what to say, here on the sideline, on a blog…I am sure you’re getting a lot of advice from many directions.
Personally, I have had more than one person in my family (or social circle) given similar news – I also currently work in a role where I have regular interactions with individuals recently dealing with a cancer diagnosis. This is not to dilute your recent news or play it down.
It’s to explain the context from which I am coming from: for what I feel like should be said outright… especially, given our education here on this particular blog.
You need to protect yourself. If not from further stress of narcissistic abuse – at the very least, you need to protect yourself from your husband’s involvement in matters regarding your health and personal welfare.
I likely don’t need to say this – you are a student of HG’s work and are, naturally, inclined to be more aware of what you’re dealing with (in your spouse) than the average person. But, sometimes we get caught up in the moment and overwhelmed with the emotions we are experiencing – and let our guard down…I just hope you have put boundaries in place – possibly legal ones – where your husband cannot inveigle his way into being involved with your health matters.
Apart from wanting to possibly capitalize on your situation or be overly involved (not likely, since I know he isn’t an ‘overwhelming angel’ type narcissist) in assisting you – there are still ways that he is capable of insinuating himself in ways he should not, and I worry about that for you.
Other than the above concerns…
I am sending positive thoughts your way. 🩷
WC,
You must’ve been reading my mind! This is exactly what I’ve been worried about as well!
Rebecca,
I agree with WC. Can you enforce boundaries so your narc husband doesn’t affect your healing process?
Hi HG, WhoCares, Leigh, Jade, Josephine, Contagious, Arya, AV, and anyone I missed…xx
Thank you for caring, I got done with the MRI today and that was the last of the test to do before surgery.
I’m confident in my oncologist and her staff that I’ll be on my way to recovery before I know it. Xx
WhoCares,
I got this, no worries. I processed it and ready to move forward with surgery asap. Xx
Thank you HG for moderating and I do appreciate you! Xx
Hi TS,
Thank you also xx
Thanks, HG xx
Hi Leigh and WhoCares,
Thank you and for the most part he is being nice and helpful, but he also still has his moments of ” poking the bear ” with me and making me mad. I’ve also noticed he complains when he helps me, or makes it about him. For example: I need to have surgery soon and the first thing he said was, “I guess that means more work for me because you won’t be doing much.”
I heard what he said and I ignored the comment. Sometimes I ignore what he says, when he’s insensitive.
We were going to one appt and I was talking to the oncologist’s nurse, and he came back in the car, we made a stop for gas and he was driving, she heard him cussing and yelling about something that happened in the Wawa.
The nurse, paused in speaking and asked if everything was ok. I told her, fine he’s just upset. She said, “ok, drive safely to the appt. ”
I could tell by her voice that she wasn’t happy with his behavior. I told him, to stop throwing a tantrum like a toddler because the nurse can report you and I told him, he doesn’t help my stress level.
He actually apologized and told me that he’s trying to be nicer, but he’s stressed about what’s going on with me too and that he’s having trouble dealing with the stress too. He said, he feels like he’s having a breakdown with all the added stress of me.
I realize it has to be stressful to him too and I feel bad that it’s me that is causing it. I’m doing my best to get through all the test and worry. I finished the last test yesterday and now it’s the surgery next.
I don’t have family close to me, they are miles away, and I do have friends who are coming out to see me soon, so I do have more support. I also have very supportive coworkers. They noticed his behaviors and so do my friends. I share HG’s videos with them and have conversations about narcissism with them. They are aware of what I’m dealing with, I am protected by their awareness and my husband knows that they are aware too. My best friend is aware of his behaviors and she finally acknowledges that he is a narcissist. Xx
Thank you for moderating, HG I appreciate you. Xx
Rebecca – I am going to be blunt and not apologize for it. I recognize that you are isolated from family and limited for support – but if I were you, I would not be bringing your husband to your appointments.
Already, in your comment, is an example of how he is playing up his health to one up you/overshadow your current health concerns.
I have witnessed this time and again with my family members, my ex and in my current work role.
Is there a local oncology support group near you? They may have someone who can accompany you to your appointments, if need be…or recommend things you are not aware of.
Ugh Rebecca! How dare he make you feel bad for him! Somehow you have to figure out how to stop worrying about his stress. Your only concern should be your recovery.
He shouldn’t have even told you that he’s stressed about your condition. Thats totally unacceptable. The only reason he’s stressed is because you’re a broken appliance and that’s a threat to his control. Someone with empathy wouldn’t have put that on you. If they really cared, they would have talked to someone else about it.
You don’t need the added stress the narc is putting on you, Rebecca. Please take care of yourself and stop feeling bad for him.
Thinking of you.
Hi Rebecca,
I am just coming across your comment here now. So sorry to hear this but by this time you likely have updates and more plans in place. It sounds like your doctor’s are good and thorough. I am sorry to read about how your husband is behaving, that’s not helpful, I hope you can, or have, figured out some solution regarding him and his behavior, to lessen your own stress level. Anyway, know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and that you are a beloved person here on the blog. Hugs.
Hi Leigh, Allison and WhoCares,
Thank you for caring and I have two coworkers and a local friend willing to take me to my appts, but MLSN won’t hear of it, and he is helping me pay for the appts and soon the surgery and treatments for me, so he has that over me. I have to keep the peace. I hope you understand. Xx
Thanks HG for moderating, I appreciate you! Xx
“…MLSN won’t hear of it, and he is helping me pay for the appts and soon the surgery and treatments for me, so he has that over me.”
Understood.
Wishing you all the best Rebecca; you’re in my thoughts.
Oh Rebecca! I didn’t mean to make you feel like you have to explain yourself to me. Your health and well-being is the most important thing right now!
I totally get it! I fully understand the sticky wicket you’re in!
I know you can’t change the situation. But I was thinking that maybe you can change your mindset. Don’t worry about how its affecting him. Who cares what he thinks. When he says stupid shit, let it roll off your back. We can’t change them, we can only change how we react.
I know you got this Rebecca!
Hi AV and AspAmp,
Thank you both for your care and concern. I’ve got a plan and on December 8th I will discuss it with my oncologist and see if she thinks my plan is the best one for me or not. The one thing you don’t have to worry about is MLSN behaviors towards me, I have a nurse assigned to me, a great oncologist, supportive coworkers and friends, and some family members too. All these people are watching him and I can call either one of them and he knows it. I easily ignore his off comments and sometimes give it back to him. I’ve lived with him for 25 years, it’s nothing I haven’t heard before and I don’t really care what he thinks when he’s being sharky to me. I realize what he is and what he is doing, and I find the majority of the time, I laugh at him. I banter back. I’m not a broken appliance because I’m still give fuel, even bad fuel is really good fuel to the narc, so I’m not broken. I’m still standing, still fighting and the oncologist has a positive outcome for me. She believes I’ll beat it, it’s early and small. Doable. My aunt has beat cancer 4 times now. I belive I can beat it too. Besides, I’m a very stubborn person and a very determined person. I survived a narc mother. I’ll get through cancer. I’m taking it on fully looking it in the eyes! That little bitch is getting evicted and destroyed , not me! Xx
Hi HG and everyone,
This cancer diagnosis has made me mad and I feel a bit of injustice here because I did everything right in taking care of my health as much as I could. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink alcohol, I eat healthy, I work out and take care of my health. The only thing I can see is the stress of dealing with a narc mother and two marriages to narcs, and I guess that was enough. Xx
I’ve learned to not let what MLSN says to me bother me as much as it did before, pulling away emotionally helped me too. I learned to do that with HG’s help. Xx
Thanks HG for you and your work. Xx Thanks also for moderating. I appreciate you! Xx
Thanks for the updates, Rebecca. Sending you love and hugs. ❤️❤️❤️
Dear Rebecca,
“I hope you understand. Xx”
Dear Rebecca, don’t explain.
If I may, my dear Rebecca, you are now officially out of fucks to give for anyone or anything but YOURSELF. I decree it. There!
Let us cheer you on, support you, and surround you with peace. Feel free to be free of tending to others.
Look: Don’t make me come over there! I’m likely tell you all about your decency, strength, and beauty, and that you deserve everything good in the world.
I might mention that I keep no accounts; you owe me no explanations or excuses, even as I know why you feel you do.
I might even remind you–whatever you may need to do to get through this–that you really matter.
Then it might just happen that a boot (could be the LEFT one, the sinister one, ha ha) may, perhaps possibly, kind of, just a bit, land up a certain husband’s ass. Can’t say. Don’t know. I was never there, officer. Not my decision.
Love to you, Rebecca.
So glad to read your reply Rebecca! That’s the attitude to have! You will be a victor too, and again since you’ve been one before. I’m glad to hear you have your husband under control too, that’s a relief! Keep us posted as you want to and are able. 💕
Hi Everyone! Xx
I have good news! I do not have the genetic cancer gene! I’m so happy about this news! Xx
Thank you Allison for your encouraging comments, you made me laugh about the boot thing! Xx
Thanks AV for your support and understanding, both you and Allison and so many others are so supportive here, thank you! Xx
And HG, thanks for your words of encouragment and support. I’ll attack this cancer like a pissed off ninja…with small hands! 😄
Thank you, HG for moderating my comments! I’m really happy right now and glad I got my Christmas decorations up yesterday. It really made me look forward to Christmas and having friends over….I’m aiming for that goal! Xx ❤️🔥❤️🔥
No worries Leigh and WhoCares. Xx
I don’t feel you made me explain myself. I wanted to explain the situation to you and WhoCares more clearly, so that you’d understand what’s going on and why. Neither one of you made me feel upset. I know you both are looking out for me and that’s how I took it. Xx
Thank you, HG for moderating. HG, do you like roasted chestnuts? Have you tried wet roasted peanuts? They make them in my home State year round and they are delicious!
HG, Do you have a favorite ornament? Have you ever triangulized anyone with your christmas decorations? Xx
Rebecca, that is wonderful news! Thank you for the update!! 💕
Wonderful news, Rebecca! I’m so pleased to hear you don’t have the genetic cancer gene!
Hi Leigh and AV,
Thank you both and my surgical consultation with the oncologist is on Monday. We decide what treatment I get, which surgical option I will go through. I already have many questions for her and an idea of which surgery option I want done. The good thing is she listens to my ideas and we discuss options to take, she shows a lot of compassion. HG’s work has really made it easier for me to look out for the red flags, so I picked a compassionate oncologist and I feel confident that she cares what I want done and at the same time, is looking out for what’s best for me as well.
After the consultation is the surgery date and surgery. Xx
Thank you, HG for the knowledge to see behaviors and what they mean, so I can pick a decent oncologist for my treatment. The knowledge you gave me is priceless for cases like this, where it matters who you have cutting into you and treating you. Thank you, HG for moderating too! I appreciate you! Xx❤️🔥❤️🔥
Rebecca,
You’re in my thoughts today! Sending hugs!
Hi Rebecca,
It is always good, great, to find a doctor who listens! So important and I’m really happy for you about that. I’m also glad that your medical team is moving forward as they are and not making you wait too long for the next step.
I hope your appointment went well yesterday, Rebecca!
Hopefully, your narc husband is behaving himself too!
Rebecca, I don’t come here often these days, but I still check in occasionally and came across this thread.
I wish you as little stress as possible before your surgery, a successful outcome, and a permanent end to cancer history in your life.
I’m glad you’re under good care and in a positive mood—that’s very important.
Best wishes to you, ladies, readers. May you all be well!
Joa,
Its so nice to see your name pop up! You’ve been missed. I often think about you and hope you’re well!
Dear Joa,
It’s really lovely to see your name again. I miss your presence on the blog. I hope you and yours are staying well in these troubled times.
Try not to be a stranger, ok?
Merry Christmas Joa.
Xx
Hi Joa,
It’s so nice to hear from you! Xx Thank you for your words of encouragement and kindness. The oncologist said, it looks good for me not to have another issue with cancer again. I’m looking forward to getting the tumor out and recovering soon. Xx
Hi Leigh,
My appointment went well, decided on which surgery options I’m doing. I still have three more appts to go through, thought I was done with them, but more have been made.
The 17th I met the breast surgeon. The 24th I have a needle biopsy appt and the 29th I get the results of the 24th’s biopsy and I finally get the surgery scheduled for some time in January. Hopefully the surgery goes well and the treatment is short. Xx
Thank you for your concern Leigh and I’ll keep everyone informed. Xx
Thank you HG for moderating and I enjoyed your memorial video for Doug Kramer. Xx
Hi Rebecca,
I agree. Doug’s memorial was beautiful. It made me cry. He was a wonderful soul.
I’m sorry you have so many tests still. I would imagine you want it done and over with already.
I’m read your comment to Joa and I’m pleased the oncologist has positive things to say. My thoughts are always with you, Rebecca!
Thanks for your updates Rebecca, I was thinking of you this week with your appointment on the 8th. I’m glad things are progressing well and sending love.
Hi Leigh,
I liked HG’s memorial video of Doug and it made me sad to see the pics of him throughout his life. Xx
I’m ready to get this surgery done and behind me, 100% ! I’ve been ready, can’t wait for all these appts to be done too. Xx
It’s nice to see Joa commenting again. Xx
Thanks for moderating, HG! Xx❤️❤️
Rebecca,
“Thank you, HG for moderating. HG, do you like roasted chestnuts? Have you tried wet roasted peanuts? They make them in my home State year round and they are delicious!”
I just happen to see this comment…
I don’t know about HG – but, I love roasted chestnuts. A previous partner (before my son’s father) took me to Montreal in the winter – my first trip (I love Montreal). And, he bought us roasted chestnuts from a street vendor…I still remember wrapping my hands around newspaper cone containing said chestnuts…and the steam and warmth radiating in the cold winter air. They were so delicious. (I have since tried to roast them in the fridge oven….simply not the same.)
I haven’t figured out if that relationship was with a narc – but, if it was, that was some awesome food triangulation that went down.
I have never heard of wet-roasted peanuts, but sounds interesting?
I like roasted chestnuts. I have no familiarity with ones which are wet.
Leigh, everything’s fine with me, and there haven’t been any major changes in my life – and yet, it’s completely different. I’m light years ahead compared to a few years ago, even though I’m standing in the same place.
The heavy gears are constantly turning – even if we want to stop sometimes 🙂
As with life – a lot of work, quite a lot of worries, a little joy, a little warmth, and the occasional loud laugh, and sometimes (rarely) something that still surprises me. So, it’s not so bad 🙂
TS, I’m doing okay. Sometimes I think of you, when I listen to music 🙂 I know music is also very important to you.
My daughter is a student – she’s in her second year.
I’m working a lot now, I’ve acquired many new skills – which I’ve been fascinated, and I still enjoy them because I’ve created even more room for ideas and creativity at work. I love being one step ahead of others; that’s what drives me!
Although, of course, I’m also tying more and more burdens around my neck 🙂
Merry Christmas to you, TS, and to everyone who reads this 🙂 Have a wonderful time and rest 🙂
Rebecca, so we wait until January. I’ll be checking in on this thread and reading.
PS Receiving biopsy results is stressful. I’ve been through it twice. I hope you’ll be as happy as I was then.
PS 2 About 16-17 years ago, I had a tumor removed (which turned out to be benign) from my right breast – it was about 2 cm in diameter, so smaller than yours. Although a large amount of skin was removed and the scar ran across half of my breast, today it’s only a faint, thin line (and I even like that scar) – if you’re worried about the visual effect.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this tumor is removed quickly and efficiently and that it doesn’t turn out to be as invasive and aggressive. And then, I hope the wound heals quickly – and finally, that this whole ordeal is forgotten.
Stay strong, Dear!
Hi HG and WhoCares,
Wet roasted peanuts are delicious and the nuts are kind of softer and wet from the process they use. I haven’t attempted it myself, but they are wet and warm. Xx
Thank you Joa, for your kind words of encouragement and I hope this will all be over quickly and without an issue. Xx
I do have good news, the 5cm size they thought it was, actually shows only 2 cm on the MRI. I don’t know that happened, but it’s smaller than they originally thought it was, or maybe it skrink?? It could be from stopping the HRT and since it has estrogen positive receptors, maybe it made the difference? I don’t know, but it’s good news either way! Xx
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and everyone on the blog! Xx
Thank you for moderating, HG! Xx
Hi Joa,
That’s so strange you should say that, me too, when I’m listening to music.
I’m glad to hear you are still enjoying your job and expanding to learn new things.
Time flies doesn’t it? My son is driving now, I see him drive away in the morning and can’t help but see him in his high chair, bowl on his head, chortling. The strangest feeling when you see they are adults but feel like they are still a babe in arms. I’m happy to hear your daughter is doing well, always our greatest concern.
Really lovely to see you again Joa. Xx
I agree Rebecca! Its wonderful to see Joa commenting again. Its a nice holiday surprise!
I hope you get a wonderful holiday surprise too!
Hi Rebecca,
I wish I had saw your comment to Joa before I sent my earlier response. I see you had some good news! I’m so pleased to hear it shrunk a little bit! Thank you for sharing that news!
Rebecca, great news! It’ll be easier to get that lump out!
TS, when I listen to music, my perspective expands, my thoughts run freely and in different directions, and certain notes evoke certain people.
I like my job. The work environment – often not, it can be frustrating, but somehow I manage to tolerate it – except for the moments, when I throw papers and scream that I’m quitting 🙂
Self-development is the foundation of life. Otherwise, you wither and fade.
My daughter hasn’t gotten her driver’s license yet, although she intends to, and her grandmother promised her training and exam.
She’s so smart and calm. I should learn self-control from her.
Even her grandmother respects her opinion, backing down and staying silent – which is unbelievable, because my mother always has to win against everyone. Sometimes my daughter is like a judge, deciding with a single word (and not always in my favor!).
Yes, observing your child, as a separate person, guided by her own thoughts and choices, is astonishing. Beautiful.
And for me personally, it brings relief and respite. The thought, that something could happen to me and I’d leave her alone, weighed heavily on me for years. Now I see, that she could handle life (especially with the financial cushion, to start with, that she would inherit from me).
It makes me feel more at ease and free 🙂
I can die in calmly – yes, that thought brings freedom 🙂
(Even though I don’t want to yet!)
*except for the moments, when I challenge life and scream in its face (meaning into the air), that I’ve had, damn, enough.
It’s really good to read your update and the positive news youve received Rebecca. ❤️ Thank you HG for moderating. ❤️
Thanks Leigh and Joa,
The good news continues! The oncologist told me that I might not need chemo and that decision will be determined after surgery when they do another pathology and when they biopsy the whole tumor out of me. Radiation amount will also be determined too. Xx
Thank you HG for moderating. Xx❤️❤️
Hi Joa,
Yes, I know what you mean, if you can get your child to a point where you know they can definitely cope without you, then there’s a peace that comes with that. I’m not quite there with my two yet. I think perhaps that comes when they enter the world of work rather than college. Is your daughter working now?
You made me laugh with your daughter’s ability to call it as she sees it. I like that, a straight shooter, and yes, sometimes that means that the guns get trained on us!
Funny how our daughters know instinctively how to close our mothers down. My mum is very wary of my daughter, similar reason I think, unpredictable and calls it as she sees it. Challenge fuel, but repeated threats to control. It’s quite interesting to watch. Makes me quite proud haha!
Xx
Hi Rebecca!
Ok, that’s the new prayer! No chemo! You’re kicking its ass already!
Dear HG,
In an interview, Sting mentioned that some people get married to that song and he felt it amusing. He laughed about it and said, they really don’t get the meaning of the song, it’s a stalking song, not a love song. I remember it being in the movie, CAT’S EYE, when I was a kid. I like the song, but realized as an adult, what the real meaning of the song. I still like it, for it’s musical quality. Xx
I prefer Russians.
Dear HG,
I looked up the video of Russians reaction to Every Breathe You Take by Police and it didn’t disappoint. The dog snoring in the background was funny too! She thinks the lyrics are creepy, like I do, but she likes the music, eventhough she asked if it was pop rock….thanks for bringing it up! Xx
Er no.
Ok, if it’s not that video, then I have no clue what you meant by your comment…I’m sorry, it went over my head. Xx
Dear HG,
Did you mean the singer, Thomas Grazioso, who sang the same song on a talent search show in Russia? Xx
No. I meant the song Russians.
Thank you , HG…I’m sorry I’m so dimwitted today. Xx
It’s funny how both videos had the song in it and the Russias link. Odd, right? Xx
You made an error that doesn’t make you dim witted.
Thank you, HG! 🥹🫣XX❤️❤️
Dear HG,
I debated about talking about what’s been on my mind a lot lately, on the blog and I decided I will talk about it here. Xx
A couple of months ago I noticed a lump in my right breast. Cancer is in both sides of my family…my Dad’s sister had cervical cancer at 22 and my mother’s Great Aunt had cancer that started in her uterus and spread to her other organs.
It took weeks to get a mammogram scheduled and then an ultrasound was done the next day, blood work, and then biopsie on 10/30/25….and now I wait for 7 to 10 days fof the results.
I’m limited to using my arm and next week on light duty at work. My nerves are shot and I’m a bit braindead with worry….and HG has been very understanding with my braindeadism state of mind….thanks HG for your continued understanding and patience with me. I’m a hot mess. I wanted to explain myself here. Thanks again, HG! You’re the best! Xx❤️🔥❤️🔥
Rebecca, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. My thoughts are with you as you go through this. Please keep us posted as you feel led. I’m sure your mind is in a tizzy, completely understandable. Hugs 💕
Hi Rebecca, Thank you for sharing here and letting us know what you’re dealing with – sending lots of love and hugs. ❤️
Thank you AV,
I will let you all know asap, I’m hoping it’s good news and doing my best to stay positive. Xx
Hi Rebecca,
I’m sorry to hear about your recent health situation. It’s a stressful thing to go through. Be kind to yourself and take it easy. Best wishes to you xx
Hi WiserNow,
Thank you for your kind words. Xx
Thank you Jade, I’ll keep you all posted. I hope to hear some good news by the end of next week. Xx
Russians was a song on Sting’s first solo album, Rebecca.
Thanks Annaamel, I googled two videos I thought it was and both had the song in it and the Russia link to boot, and both were wrong. 😖🥴🫣 Wow! I’m rating today…Thank you, Annaamel for helping my dumbass. Xx
Oh my gosh, Rebecca! I’m sending lots and lots of hugs! I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed! You’re a tough cookie! You got this!
Thanks Leigh,
The doctor said, if she gets the news earlier, she’ll let me know asap..thank you for the kind words and I’m hoping for the best. Xx
Rebecca,
I hoping for the best too! I’m also really concerned about your support system. Do you have anyone you can lean on? I hope your narc husband isn’t making it about him. You’re in my thoughts, Rebecca.
I see you reached out to HR about FMLA. FMLA is only to protect your job. Its not paid leave. A lot of states have a paid leave program set up now too. Your HR department should have that information also. But you can also do a quick search on Google. Some companies also offer short term disability. If you’re not sure if your company offers it, that’s something else you can ask your HR department about.
Hi Leigh,
No worries, I was proactive and already talked to HR about Short term disability, which I’ve been paying towards for years that I’ve worked for the company. I also have been paying towards Long term disability too, both are covered for me. I had the whole conversation on Monday. I prepare for the worse, my anxiety has me thinking 10 steps ahead….Sometimes anxiety and an active imagination works to help me out. Xx
I’m getting support from my new coworkers, no boss , my best friend and even my narc husband is being extra nice. I’ve actually been kind of confused by his behavior as of late, he’s been supportive. He still complains at times, but mostly he’s been helpful. Why? Is it he fears losing me? Why is he being so supportive?
I also have HG and you all supportive people on the blog. I’m feeling more positive HG because I’m thinking logically of all the postive points the Doctor gave me to focus on, like it’s only in that one spot, no where else…I’m healthy and an active person, with no chronic health issues…I have a lot on my side.. staying logical thinking, HG, none of that panic emotional thinking…push it back…xx
Hi Rebecca,
That’s wonderful news about the short term disability. You don’t want to have financial stress as well. Do you know if your state has paid leave as well? Short term disability is usually only partial pay. If you have paid leave from the state, you might be able to combine it with your short term disability so you get your full salary.
I’m glad to hear your narc husband is at least trying to be supportive. I would think your situation threatens his control. He can’t lose his primary source. I would keep one eye open though. He’s still a narc so can’t be trusted.
I’m glad you have your co workers and best friend as well. You most certainly have all of us to lean on as well!!!
I’m hoping for good news and I’ll keep my fingers and toes crossed while we wait!
Hi Leigh,
Thank you for the support and the HR rep told me she would do the paperwork, if I need it. I’ve arranged to sit with her, if I do need it. Xx
I’m glad I have support here and in real life. Xx
That’s an encouraging result Rebecca. Make sure you capitalise on it by preparing yourself fully for the next steps.
Put yourself first and screw everyone else 😉
Xx
Hello Rebecca,
I just saw your comment regarding your current health concerns.
That would certainly weigh heavily on one’s thoughts, while awaiting an answer…
Thinking of you. 🩷
To Rebecca,
I’m sorry to read of your concerns. I’ll be thinking of you during this time. Sorry my reaching out a bit delayed. Hope all turns out well for you xx
Thank you, WhoCares xx I’m hoping for the best and keeping my head up! Xx
Thank You AspAmp xx I appreciate your kind words and concern. Xx I’ll let you know, as soon as I know something Xx
Rebecca! Sword up and much support to you! X
Contagious,
Thank you for the support. Xx
Dear Rebecca,
We haven’t known each other for very long, but it truly made me sad to read what you’re going through.
I wish you strength, patience (to get through this and wait for the results), and good health. 😘💖
I also hope that in your real life, you have people close to you who can offer you warmth and support.
Thank you, Josephina for your kind words and thank you for the well wishes. Xx
https://youtu.be/QK-Z1K67uaA?si=3houaOSbNOWSF1RX
One of my favourite songs. One of my favourite films. Apt lyrics.
EVERYONE!!!!
Pfft.
Except for me, I’ll go stand in the corner with a dunce hat on my head, well deserved! Xx
Oh dear.
Gary Oldman’s character yells “EVERYONE!” when Leon is outwitting the police. It’s a well known part of the film.
HG and TS,
Should I wear the pink or purple dunce hat? 🙃🤪😄😄xx
Ohhhh!
I didn’t read it like that first time round, now I see.
You have an excellent memory. He is a chilling villain.
EVERYYOOOONE!!!! Now we’re talking. Oldman went off-script more than a few times and improvised in many scenes. His best improvisation came with “Bring me everyone!” – he was supposed to simply answer “Everyone,” but screamed it instead, just to make Luc Besson laugh. Besson liked it so much that it ended up in the movie.
Hello HG:
I get that life is a war for you. But it is for me too. I won’t name my religion for the light shines through many in His name but the name of my cause is LOVE. With all surrounding you, you can not feel it but you may in the afterlife. For your actions not your intentions, I pray you know what the war is about. And surrender to its glory after you die.but if anyone could cast aside their fate, it’s you. 🙏🏻 I pray for you too
JG (Gary Oldman) sharing insights of its delinquent mind. HG (Tim Roth):
Okay last one and I’m off into the sunset with Jos.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/mIb78Yjg3uY
(my fantasy)
Would you consider being Guildenstern to my Rosencranz?
Those two are dead, that will never do for the Ultra!
Rebecca,
No dunce hat required. I misinterpreted the ‘Everyone!’ comment too. That’s the thing with comments via text, it’s as much about the mindset of the reader at the time of reading as it is about the comment itself: something you alluded to in your own comment.
Something similar happened to me last year when I had a routine check up. During the week I was waiting to find out, I was trying to source someone who made wigs from your own hair just in case it was bad news and I had to cut it. I wouldn’t have wanted the kids to know and I was figuring out how to hide getting sick if I needed to. So I know how nervous you must be feeling, your mind will be running riot.
Easier said than done, but try not to worry.
Xx
I didn’t get any of these references either Rebecca 😅
Go and stand in the corner, naughty Jade!
Ruh Roh! You’re in trouble now, Jade! LOL!
I see what you mean with Tim Roth there Jordy!
Gosh, I don’t know how many times I’ve watched it Rebecca, or parts of it. Probably a few years since my last view, though now it’s in my head I’m going to watch it again with my daughter this weekend. We’re all out of decent horrors to watch! The clip of Oldman that sticks in my mind most is the one with his arms outstretched head back as he bites the pill. The theatrical walking through the beads is another, it felt so incongruous with what was going on, that gave me chills.
I agree the filming is very well done, the light that falls on Mathilde as Leon opens the door is an example. There are subtle touches like that throughout.
Annaamel, agree, the way he looks down and away when Mathilde is doing her Marilyn routine was expertly acted. In fact both of them express emotion through their eyes, probably one of the reasons I like it so much.
“You don’t like Beethoven. You don’t know what you’re missing. Overtures like that get my… juices flowing. So powerful. But after his openings, to be honest, he does tend to get a little fucking boring. That’s why I stopped!”
Accurate portrayal.
HG,
Agree. Also,
“It’s always the same thing. It’s when you start to become really afraid of death, that you learn to appreciate life.
Do you like life sweetheart?”
His movements throughout the restroom scene are slow, controlled and highly predatory. He takes his time, toys with his prey, and revels in doing so.
No, I won’t HG!
Trying on a bit of super lol 🫣😂
Dear HG and Jade,
You both made me laugh! Xx
Jade,
Which color dunce hat do you want? 😄😄xx
That’s good Rebecca! 😂
I’ll have blue please. 😘💙
Lol Leigh .. Did you see my reply?! I was brave lol 😆
Ps even after 50 I have a worry about “getting in trouble” I thought I was going to be arrested in lockdown if I went for a run, so stayed home!!
Yes, I did see your response, Jade. You were brave, lol!
Hi Jade,
“Ps even after 50 I have a worry about “getting in trouble” ”
I believe this is quite common for some empaths. I have had to work to overcome it. It can still affect things in my life at times.
TS, thank you – you got me with Tim Roth there, lol!
Leon is a masterpiece, I’m with you! I could live in every millimeter of that film. There isn’t a single misstep in it! Mathilda’s character and Natalie’s performance is mind-blowing: Mathilda is fearless and takes everything into her own hands, essentially rescuing herself from her situation. And Leon is the perfect savior and counterpart to her, balancing it all out when she’s doing “Mathilda”.
The entire cast is a match made in heaven! Besson made all the apt choices for every aspect of the film.
The Beethoven scene was also an improvisation (genius) by Oldman, as was the moment when he sniffed Mathilda’s dad. Actor Michael Badalucco had no idea what Oldman was about to do, so those reactions you see are completely genuine.
I’m in love when actors improvise, everyone just rolls with it, and it ends up in the final cut. Epic…
“Those two are dead, that will never do for the Ultra!”
Killjoy
Yes, joy’s on the hit list too.
“Yes, joy’s on the hit list too.”
HG: The Professional
But HG… can a gambler who plays not for money or power but for knowledge ( which is both money and power) truly win a hand without knowing love? Playing with the Queen of hearts… you know it’s not really smart… 🎶 lol if anyone can, it’s you:)
TS,
Great movie and a beautiful song, you have good taste. Xx
Thank you Rebecca,
The ending makes me cry every time, and I’m not a crier. The song never gets kicked out of my playlist.
Xx
Hi Rebecca.
It’s hard to know exactly what is being referred to when there’s not much context. If you bathe deeply in a sea of pop culture, you’d probably be okay but that’s certainly not everyone. I’m sure HG values you for your loyalty and the positive vibes you bring to the blog. You have a good ol’ go and that makes you friendly and supportive. Those qualities are more important.
TS,
I think I’ve seen that movie, twice, including the one I went to see it in the cinema. I thought the movie was very well done, but very sad too….why I didn’t watch it more than twice and saw it years ago. Xx
Thank you Annaamel, I did see the movie in the late 90’s…I think it was in the late 90s…early 2000s…anyway, it’s been a while since I saw it. It’s a powerful, emotional movie and reminds me of the gritty remake movie that came out around the same time, POINT OF NO RETURN, with Bridget Fonda, another great sound track too. Xx
Hi, Rebecca–
“…look at Linda Blair and her Regan role in The Exorcist…”
I’ve recently begun to wonder about the narc status of Blair’s mother. I tend to see stage mothers as at least narcissistic, and from what I understand she was very involved in Linda’s career.
However, Linda seems and seemed so unmoved by the performance in the Exorcist, except for the physical discomforts. Not in a numb, traumatized way but as a professional.
Overall, she was very much doing a day’s work every time, and I’ve not heard that her mom was over involved the way I’d expect a narc/stage mom to be. Not that she’d have to be either, but it appears common.
As a young girl with that performance it was as though everyone else was more disturbed than the little actress was! A jarring experience from those cherubic cheeks. But I do wonder about her mom, though.
But, boy, I love that movie.
Hi Allison,
I don’t know much about Linda Blair’s mother, but she didnt seem to care much about what her daughter was saying and doing for the movie scenes. I know Linda ended up severely injuring her back, during the bed scene and according to Linda, she still suffers back pain from the device that pulled and whipped her around on the bed. She didn’t mention any other issue with the movie, except her serious back injury. I like horror movies, as long as they aren’t the slasher type. The slasher films are usually low budget and a shallow plot, just gory and not much else. I’d rather there be a good story, that isn’t B rated, so hard to find those…Conjuring and Insidious movies were really to my taste. Xx
Love that movie.
That film creeped me out, it had pedo vibes
Who, witch? Leon?
He could’ve easily taken advantage of Mathilde but he doesn’t. He tries to ditch her (for both their sakes) but when it’s not possible he takes on the responsibility. He’s an upstanding guy towards her – and acts like an adult should.
@Annaamel
I don’t remember much of the movie but I remember finding it disturbing… now I’m reading that the director met his wife when she was 12 and he was 29. So a nonce directing his fantasy of a pretty young girl falling in love with an ugly older man
There is an aspect of French culture where it is regarded as a duty of the older man to seduce the younger girl as part of causing her to break free from the bond with her parents. No prizes for guessing where such a view originated.
I feel the same about it, Witch.
I didn’t like it when I first saw it. Way too much gratuitous violence with pedo vibes as well.
Then I found out that Luc Besson, the writer and director, met his second wife when she was 12 and he was 29. They started dating when she was 15. They married when she was 16 and pregnant with his child. (In France, the minimum legal age of consent regarding sex is 15.)
Besson’s marriage to a 16-year-old ended in divorce after three years. He left her and their baby daughter and began a relationship with the then 19-year-old Milla Jovovich. He married Jovovich when she was 21 and he was 38. Their marriage ended after two years.
Narcissist? I think so.
@wisernow
Yes obviously he’s not going to have it fully out there that that’s what it is, because it may have never been released, but it’s implied more so emotionally that their relationship is more than what it should be
Ooh interesting background on the french, HG 🥴
Hi Witch,
Yes, it’s implied. I thought it was creepy the way Natalie Portman’s character was dressed in skimpy or suggestive clothes. It was unnecessary but obviously done for a reason.
It seemed to me that Jean Reno, the actor who played Leon, was creeped out by it too.
@HG
I do believe that given the directors own relationship with a 15 year old that he met when she was 12, it was his intention to sexualise a child actress and get the audience to sympathise with this kind of relationship, it’s implied by them sharing a bed and how Léon handles it. Does he ever tell her directly that he’s too old for her, that he sees her like a daughter, that she should be around kids her own age, that he doesn’t view her in that way? No because the director intends for there to be a build up of tension and temptation between them in which Léon has to resist
https://youtu.be/HFp67p3ucj4?si=GauVw_BD75_-Pgm4
Even this scene after she tells him she’s in love with him and he leaves, he pauses to lean on the wall like he’s having internal conflict over his own feelings towards her. Its not done explicitly it’s more subliminal
Hi again Witch,
To add to my earlier reply, I actually think the things Mathilde does, her dialogue, clothing, makeup, etc, are more than “implied.” I think they are fully obvious and deliberately done by the director.
When Mathilde plays the dress-up game with Leon and he is meant to guess who she is, she is fully dressed up as Madonna and Marilyn Monroe, complete with women’s clothing that fits her and makeup. This scene is out of the blue compared to the rest of the movie. Where did Mathilde get the clothes? In the context of the scene, when did she have time to dress up and apply the makeup? Why is a 12-year-old girl singing very suggestive explicit lyrics and why those lyrics in particular?
These things aren’t the ‘normal’ actions of a 12-year-old. They are the sick and twisted, deliberate and deviant, intentional actions of a middle-aged director.
It makes me wonder how Natalie Portman’s parents allowed it. What were they thinking? Did they not read the script and consider the implications to their daughter while the film was being made? They failed to protect their daughter, her innocence, her views of the adult world, and her future relationships. They also failed to protect her in relation to her experience of being an actress and of filmmaking. As usual in Hollyweird and elsewhere, the vapid, stupid, slimy dollar was more important.
In addition, Luc Besson was accused of rape by an actress in one of his films in 2018. Also, according to Wikipedia, at least four other women have accused him of inappropriate sexual behaviour.
The accusation of rape against him was dropped by French prosecutors who cited lack of evidence.
When you consider the horrific case of Gisele Pelicot and the resulting indictment of the French so-called ‘justice’ system when it comes to sexual crimes against women and misogyny in general, it isn’t surprising that the charges against Besson were dropped.
The actress who accused him of rape, Sand Van Roy, is now an activist who defends the interests of women and is an advocate for victims of sexual violence.
@Wisernow
I agree with you but I also see why people put that down to her having a bad childhood as to why she behaves that way. However the director creates subtle ways of emotionally manipulating the audience into sympathising with the suggestion that Léon may be falling in love with her. Without that being explicitly stated. Firstly he is lonely and has been single for a long time.
He drinks milk, not tea, not coffee, but drinks milk with Mathilda, he also cannot read she teaches him how to read. I believe this is done to lead the audience to see past the fact that this is a young girl and an older man with a receding hairline, they are peers, really! Age ain’t nothing but a number.
Another thing when he sees her talking to a boy closer in age he warns her against it cause you see, even boys her age could take advantage of her, but not Léon, Léon is not going to have sex with her and leave, he will protect her and provide for her. This isn’t about sex, it’s about love. It’s pretty much an endorsement of child marriage but presented in a may that is tolerable for the audience, you never quite know for certain what is what or where the line is.
Hi Witch, love what you do!
To add a few points to the analysis of the characters: while Mathilda’s mind is very sharp, her realisations – and the way Natalie delivered them – are even sharper after none of her seductive techniques worked on Leon. Remember, her stepmother was a prostitute, so Mathilda would have absorbed how the “games” were played and matured faster, adopting what she initially thought she had to use in order to get what she believed she wanted. Although, she never truly took it seriously and would stop quickly once she realised it made no sense: especially since Leon wasn’t receptive.
Both characters long for a simple human connection: something they had never known – and they manage to find it through tragedy and a bittersweet victory in the end.
Their dynamic is one of the most fascinating in cinema history. It’s not meant to be a turn-on but rather a turn-off that ultimately touches the heart.
Whether the director and the team delivered what they had in mind -that, of course, is for the audience to decide.
There are a few oldet films that had young girls doing far worse than Natalie Portman in The Professional…look at Linda Blair and her Regan role in The Exorcist and Jodie Foster’s rold in TAXI DRIVER….Their roles were far more upsetting and very blunt in their sexualizing a minor. Xx
Witch, Jordyguin, and Rebecca,
It’s a movie, and being a movie, it’s not like real-life and therefore the story is a fantasy. I get that.
Also, being a 2-hour movie, there are things that are dealt with in a summarised way. There isn’t much detail about the finer points of each character’s personality, background or motivations, etc. Same with the dynamics between each of them. Instead, the movie shows more action and the pace of everything is faster with fewer meaningful moments.
Keeping these points in mind, the way the story is told didn’t make me feel much for Mathilde or Leon. They seemed too far-fetched and incongruous relative to everything else going on around them. It was like a jokey kind of distraction to provide the audience with some light relief after watching a number of people being brutally shot at close range, toyed with sadistically, and left in a bathtub or hallway in pools of blood. This is the part of the movie that I remember most and I have rewatched this scene in the course of commenting here.
In the whole building where the shootings happened, there was a collection of people who were all grotesque in one way or another; devoid of sympathetic or human qualities . All except for Leon and Mathilde. These two found themselves fully immersed in a world of crime, prostitution, violence, drugs and high-powered weapons, but somehow, miraculously, they held on to their commendable morality and humanity.
For me, I didn’t buy the premise surrounding their ‘relationship’ or the way their characters were portrayed. The overt way that Mathilde ‘came on’ to Leon didn’t seem realistic. That was a pedo fantasy in the director’s mind rather than the way a vulnerable 12-year-old girl who had just experienced her family being murdered would behave.
Maybe I have to watch the entire movie again. It has been a while since I saw it.
StepNarc explained to me at 12 that in some parts of the world, fathers would relieve their daughters of their virginity so that when the time came for the girl to have sex with someone she wanted to, it wouldn’t hurt.as much. He wanted to know if I wanted him to do that for me (so giving- making the decision mine) He wasn’t French – just a pig, but good to know.
NA,
So he normalises it first then presents it as caring and him offering to do you a favour. Vile.
Xx
@NA
That’s sickening!
Matrinarc’s boyfriend at the time told martrinarc he thinks I fancy him when I was 11.
When I was 14 he was drunk and kept repeatedly saying that I’m so beautiful he’ll do anything for me and anything that i need I can call him and ask, right in front of matrinarc. I was scared. He also told matrinarc that I’m so beautiful he doesn’t understand why my dad isn’t more involved in my life and that if he had a beautiful daughter like that he’ll buy her anything that she wants.
I’m pretty certain that he fancied me.
“There isn’t much detail about the finer points of each character’s personality, background or motivations…”
Actually, there’s plenty.
Leon is emotionally stunted and lives a robotic life as a hitman who is portrayed as both emotionally innocent and socially isolated. Mathilda, on the other hand, is shaped by a corrupt and violent world: a child with adult emotions and goals. She is brave and kind, yet she talks casually about murder and revenge.
When they meet, each provides what the other lacks: Leon gives her protection and structure; Mathilda gives him human connection. At first, Leon is the mentor, teaching Mathilda the craft of killing, but as the story unfolds, she teaches him to live, not just survive. She introduces humor, warmth, and vulnerability into his existence, while he tries, in his own limited way, to protect her from becoming like him.
She becomes harder, he becomes softer, until they meet in the middle – both changed. While Mathilda says she “loves” him, it’s portrayed as naive, confused affection for a child’s attempt to understand intimacy in a broken world. Leon never acts on it; instead, his love becomes protective and paternal. In the end, he dies protecting her, giving her a future.
Two damaged souls find humanity in each other within a corrupt world still filled with fragile moments of warmth. The action sequences and shootings serve as extensions of character and theme, revealing emotion and heightening tension rather than glorifying violence.
And we can’t leave out Norman Stansfield (Gary Oldman), of course. He’s pure chaos -completely unhinged. His position of power makes his crimes especially disturbing: he’s supposed to uphold the law, yet he abuses it to serve his own aims, a sharp contrast to Leon’s code of honor, killing only “bad guys” and avoiding harming innocents. Stansfield’s killings aren’t professional or calculated; they’re impulsive and sadistic. The “EVERYONE!” scene captures his unhinged madness perfectly. He’s the force that pushes Mathilda toward vengeance and Leon toward redemption. Stansfield isn’t just the antagonist, he’s the catalyst for both characters’ transformations……
@jordyguin
I’m not sure if it’s true but it’s rumoured online that Luc Besson originally wrote a sex scene between Leon and Mathilda and that there were several scenes that Natalie Portman’s parents objected to that were removed. One of them allegedly being Leon walking in while Mathilda is showering. Usually there is no smoke without fire. Not everyone interprets Leon’s love for Mathilda as purely paternal irrespective of whether any sexual acts take place between them, I think that says a lot about how the film portrays their relationship as many people can’t agree.
Hi Jordyguin,
“Two damaged souls find humanity in each other within a corrupt world still filled with fragile moments of warmth. The action sequences and shootings serve as extensions of character and theme, revealing emotion and heightening tension rather than glorifying violence.”
‘Leon: The Professional’ was made in 1994, more than 30 years ago.
In the last 30 years, has the human population become more empathic and compassionate, “finding humanity in each other”?
Or have cultural divisions, economic hardship, and international conflicts become more prevalent?
Has art become pronounced in its tendency to make people more introspective, seeing beyond the glorified violence and sexualised children, thereby making humans in general more thoughtful and careful about what they do?
Or have movies, tv shows, and pop culture in general made people more shallow and judgemental; more narcissistic and self-righteous?
My point is to say that ‘Leon’ and other movies like it did not heighten empathy and compassion; instead they were one more form of entertainment that indicated it was okay and ‘normal’ to show audiences scenes of bloody and remorseless murder; children acting like sexualised adults; family members abusing each other; psychopaths becoming ‘heros’; and more.
All the while, each year of filmmaking over time pushed the envelope even further because, hey, it’s all been done before so we have to do something even more ‘spectacular’ in order to hold the audience’s attention.
The effect has been to make audiences in general more narcissistic rather than less.
“She introduces humor, warmth, and vulnerability into his existence, while he tries, in his own limited way, to protect her from becoming like him.”
As I mentioned in a previous comment, I rewatched some scenes on YouTube in the course of the commentary here. One of the scenes was the dress-up game.
If you read the comments under that video, you will see that there are many, I’d say probably half – although I haven’t counted them – that are extremely sexual and vulgar. Commenters say what they would like to do to Mathilda. They don’t hold back and make implied suggestions either. They are openly saying that they watch that scene intentionally for perverted reasons.
Considering the rampant way children are abused, trafficked, exploited, and targeted around the world, do you really think that all men who watch the movie are thinking innocently about Mathilda’s “humor, warmth and vulnerability”? Do you really think that middle-aged men sitting in the audience are watching that scene with completely benign thoughts, with only intellectual insights about Leon and Mathilda’s “shared humanity”?
Jordyguin,
I do appreciate what you have written and I can see that ‘Leon’ and other movies have very valuable insights and messages. I can see the points you’re making about multilayered stories and examples of ‘humanity.’ Personally, I actually really enjoy watching and thinking about all of these kinds of movies and the insights and messages within them. It is enriching to contemplate them.
The sad thing is though, that some of the ways that stories are told serve to normalise the very ‘inhumane’ things that the story uses in an attempt to ‘humanise’ the characters.
While reading your comment, I thought to myself that the way you have described the ‘humanity’ and ‘transformational’ elements in the movie is exactly the kind of attitude that makes audiences believe that narcissists and psychopaths can actually change their ways given the right circumstances.
Leon killed people for a living, but hey, a week or two with a 12-year-old girl can teach him how to be in touch with his emotions and it can bring out the love and honor in his heart. See, there is a way. It can happen; it’s possible.
And Mathilda just experienced her family being murdered and she is now alone. A 12-year-old girl by herself in a big city with only Leon who can help her. But she doesn’t need to worry or be concerned because Leon is really a glowing example of virtue – really he is underneath that criminal, hitman exterior.
It took a few years here on the blog to convince me that these wishful, hopeful beliefs that it is indeed possible that anyone can be ‘transformed’ if shown the ‘right’ conditions are just not true.
Thanks TS,
I’m trying not to worry by distracting myself, keeping busy and redirecting my mind away from the “what ifs” that want to run through my thoughts. I’m hoping it’s good news, but I also already spoke to HR about FMLA if I need to use it. Xx
Hi Rebecca,
I think organising yourself during the time you are waiting for results is a positive thing. It’s pro active and it can help to understand what you are entitled to plus steps you would take first etc. The week has to pass so you might as well be pro active. Useful to have that kind of information regardless.
Xx
Hi TS,
I like being proactive in situations like this, it helps calm my nerves and makes me feel I have sonething prepared for the possible outcome and a solid plan. Xx
Hi Leigh
I should stop painting myself as too much of a scaredy cat lol as I’ve learnt over the past five years that I am tough when I need to be.. BUT I am easily triggered into anxiety. I watched the film “wolf creek” and literally didn’t sleep for weeks afterwards!! I think my imagination is too strong sometimes…
LOL Jade! Its ok. I’m a scaredy cat too! Which is something I got from my mother. She’s an agoraphobic and almost never goes outside. She only goes outside when absolutely necessary.
I missed this reply Leigh.. We can be scaredy cats together lol ! 🙀 I love my vivid imagination when it’s positive.. I’m very creative but it can go into overdrive the other way lol. Not completely unwarranted I know but as mentioned when I joined here I felt scared of HG having my email address before I got the set up. 😅
Hey Jade,
I missed this comment from you, lol. I just saw it.
“I felt scared of HG having my email address before I got the set up.” – Me too! But not because of Mr. Tudor. Its because this is my secret hideaway and I don’t want anyone I know personally to know about it. I use a totally separate email for wordpress and I totally log out of the email and wordpress every single time.
Hi TS,
I hope last year’s check up went well and everything was good news? Xx Are you well? Xx
Ladies: perhaps Madeline? A better look or I highly recommend Anton Krings. As a French speaker and enthusiast who owns every book he has written, the Livres des petits Betes sont magnifique! A must! He is the Beatrice Potter of France:)
Hi Rebecca, I couldn’t reply to your other comment so I’m leaving it here. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through breast cancer. I’m adding you to the prayer chain at my church. You will remain in prayers as well. You are a light on this blog.
Hi GP,
Thank you, I appreciate your prayers! Xx