I See Sanctuary
When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them.
You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me.
The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror.
Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay.
Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.
Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me.
Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity.
The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.
I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way.
There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you?
Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.
14 thoughts on “I See Sanctuary”
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An empaths response:
Yes, I found you once, in the citadel. It took years of searching, silently watching, observing your moods and what made you laugh and what made you comfortable. Yes, I found my way to you in your citadel. It wasn’t for the purpose of attacking you or exposing you but my search for you was simply to connect and experience a shared journey together.
I didn’t know. I didn’t know about the abyss or the creature or the battle that opening the door to reach you would force upon you. In fact, my motivation in searching for you, and inadvertently breaching the citadel to find you, was the complete opposite of what resulted. I was seeking to be a comfort, a companion, a watcher on the wall on your behalf and loyal only to you, to guard the safety of our private and permanent shared sanctuary. And indeed, Ken, when I found you it was wonderful and real and my commitment to your happiness and peace was entirely flawless and eternal.
But I didn’t know. I didn’t know the creature was there too, and in finding your true self I was also simultaneously releasing the creature. Collateral damage, yes. The scars are permanent. I hide them when you are looking, but when I’m alone they swell and grow red and hot to the touch and I will never be free of the vitriol and venom spit upon me during your battle with the creature. They are my punishment, and the reminder of your resentment of me for finding you and in finding you exposing the creature.
But I will abide with my scars because they are a reminder. A reminder to forgive myself for not knowing, and forgive you for the battle you inevitably fight alone. I move forward, patiently, perhaps pointlessly, with the understanding now that even though I found you once, I must never go back there again. It is entirely up to you to open the gates and allow me in.
Hello, errrm, Dump 😀 (Can I call you Dump, or do you prefer Dumpster? :D)
Firstly, who is KEN? You want us to pay him a visit?
Secondly, we can’t pay him a visit ‘cos he is a narcissist. GOSO implemented. Get Out, Stay Out! If KEN opens his gates, don’t go in! Run the other way!
Am I taking this too literally? 😉
Dear ‘Dumpster Fire’, I’m worried I sounded like I was taking the pith in my response! I was being humorous, but in appreciation of your comment. I didn’t mean to be insensitive. I can come across that way, sorry if that’s the case. The ‘GOSO’ message was serious, but we work at our own pace and I hope I’ve not made you feel uncomfortable!
Mari I took no offense. All is well. I am comfortable here. I am observing and thinking and learning. I will reach out to HG again when necessary. I appreciate your kindness, and I think you are an asset in these blog conversations. Thank you.
Dear DFM, thank you for your kind replies. I’m glad you didn’t take offence or feel put off. I’m even more glad/impressed you’ve had consultations with HG. Good for you!
It seems you have a way with words. If you do have some Magnet make-up, I wonder if it comes through your written word in some ways. I have no doubt you are strong enough, madame, especially if you can speak with HG again and discuss a few bits on here .
I have an inkling it will take a lot to freak HG’s long standing “followers” out. If you’re brave enough to share the realness, I’m sure you will receive useful feedback, even if it’s not always fluffy! You’ll know that from your observations of course.
Hi Mari! Thank you! I’m safe, and this site is a safe place for me to work through not only the dynamic of my marriage, but the dynamic that created the emptiness within me that allows it… which is my true enemy. I actually have never posted here for the very reason I don’t want to freak people out because some of my posts are pretty dark. Ken can see my YT posts, but he would never look here so I was able to feel brave enough to speak to him here… I’m JustSoThankful for HG. His honesty is uncoupling me from shame, and has allowed me to untangle some confusing events throughout my lifetime, not necessarily all of them within my marriage. I’m a standard empath with some contagion and some magnet (i think), so I seem to “pair” nicely with narcs whether it’s work or home. But I am FINE i assure you I am safe… I have had consultations (2 I think) with HG, and I understand GOSO, but I also travel frequently and the nature of Ken’s work keeps him away as well. So we are not together very often … . GOSO I can’t yet. I’m just not strong enough. I know that’s not what ppl want to hear but it’s the truth. I appreciate your kindness more than you know, and I’m very thankful for this community and for the important work HG is doing every day. I appreciate you, Mari. 🙂
I am pleased to note that my work is helping you. Your hesitancy at applying GOSO on the basis of “not being strong enough” is emotional thinking which is stopping you from taking the action you need to take. I recommend that you either speak with me again or you reflect on the issue of the implementation of no contact through discussion on the blog.
Well, it’s not about what you believe people want to hear. It’s about you and what’s best.
I have found that waiting for the day I was “strong enough” never came. I had to act first. There will always be a good reason (in mind) to avoid taking action because GOSO is hard. But it’s hard because of the addiction. We’re addicted to the narcissist. Every addicted person can find a reason to keep engaging with their addiction, because the addiction itself is fighting to stay alive. The addiction is lying to you and telling you that you’re too weak, when in fact you’re giving your strength away to it and to the object of your own torment. It knows that if you stop that cycle it can’t get fed, so it will tell you anything you need to hear to keep the cycle going. As does the narcissist. But you don’t have to believe the lie.
I encourage you to obtain further consultation. You need an unbiased perspective on your situation so that you can get free. Don’t wait for your feelings to catch up to what’s needed. That’s what the addiction craves. Use logic.
Hey Mari,
Do you think it’s Barbie writing about Ken? That’s what first occurred to me when I saw the name Ken.
It could be a new, modern Barbie and Ken House called The Citadel. In this new design, they have a coercive control relationship … maybe?
Hmmm … maybe not. Sounds inappropriate for a children’s toy …
Hello WiserNow. Ken is apparently D.Fire’s husband! 😀
Welcome DFM. I’m glad you have found your way here.
Thank you and I’m grateful for his blog and his channel too, although I wish I didn’t need his help at all. But HG tells the truth so here I am. I’ve been consuming his content voraciously for about 6 months now. His humor is attractive but the information that has truly helped me is absolutely brutal.
Eloquent to a fault !
However, I continue to struggle understanding the end goal of Narcissistic behaviour ?
Appears to be an endless cerebral duel between Empathy versus Narcissism (Good v Evil) ?
Typically, my formal degree’s taught me nothing of reality. I appreciate access to your knowledge vault.
There is no end goal. It is the perpetual maintenance of both a shield (to protect the true self) and a sword (to provoke the outside world to give the world what the narcissist requires).