Yesterday, With Me, The Psychopath
27 thoughts on “Yesterday, With Me, The Psychopath”
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This new series is excellent listening, HG.
Thank you.
I second that 1WhoCares.
We’d been in the narc-mode for some time, now we get psycho-mode – Tudor’s University ‘mode’ but hey, empath-mode still stands 😉
Hi Asp Amp,
“now we get psycho-mode” – Yes. And I particularly appreciate the way HG instructs through story. Seems like it also an excellent lead up to his new psychopathy book.
As for ‘Tudor University Mode’ – I am always here for that!
Hi 1WhoCares, oh, a new acronym for HG’s list, ‘TUM’. As we know there are many acronyms that have appeared over the period of time I have been attending Tudor University. Who knows, maybe there could be the Psychopath version of acronyms at some point. Creativity is due.
I’ll be observing very closely should I mutter ‘wait til you see me in my psycho-mode’….empath grenades to hand.
Asp Amp – lol
Right to the heart…
There is just one thing I disagree with: “I will take what I need, and I will give nothing real in return.”
The truth is, as you grow older, disappointment begins to accumulate. Sometimes I feel that, despite everything I have done, I could have done so much more to help others. There is disappointment in the people around you. And in the world as a whole.
Life is so unfair… and so stupidly designed. If someone created this world, forgive me, but they got everything wrong.
At some point, I began to feel that there was far more bad than good in this world. And that leads to despair, to a feeling of helplessness… You no longer dream of changing the world. You accept it as it is, as imperfect and wretched as it is.
And I kept waiting for something… something that would dispel this existential horror and inspire me to face another day. Some kind of miracle.
Something that would make me believe that there is not only darkness in this world, but goodness too. That perhaps goodness can still outweigh the bad. That despite everything, people still strive for something better, something meaningful, something genuinely good. I wanted so desperately to believe that there was still more to this world than suffering, cruelty, and disappointment.
And I found this website.
You often talk about your motives in your various publications… but let us judge by actions.
How many people have you helped!! How many people have you given the closure they could never get from their narcissist… how many wounds have you helped heal.
Paradoxically, it is true.
It was YOU, HG, who made me believe in something good again, and believe in GOODNESS.
Yes, YOU. A narcissistic psychopath.
What you give us is real.
I will never tire of thanking you for being here for us.
Hi Josephina,
I feel as you do, I can’t thank HG enough for his teaching, he made sense of my life for me, it’s a debt I can’t repay. The outcome of his choices have definitely been good for you, I and many others. Even as I acknowledge that he is, again by his own admission, a bad man, I want it known that I see the “fallout” of his work as very good. And he knows this fallout is good for many, so i am not certain how he sees himself as simply a bad man. I know I do not want to be closer to him than this blog and the consults we have done or may do, because of his own acknowledgment of who he is. But, despite his acknowledgment, I love him for what he gave to me, and I want his best for him, whatever that is. Also, I understand those who will not say he is a bad man, because of the good done in their lives. It is not easy to separate the person from what they give to us quite often. But for me, I go with, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Still love them perhaps, but believe them.
I agree with you, A Victor!
Actually, it’s quite comfortable to listen to this video while feeling protected by the computer screen, almost like listening to a bedtime story… But imagine hearing all of this in real life, from someone you are emotionally involved with. Is a person really prepared for such a truth? Because accepting it can be incredibly difficult… Yet that didn’t stop me back then.
After listening to Yesterday, With Me, The Psychopath, I had a nightmare that night. I dreamed about my former narcissist, who very rarely appears in my dreams. The dream was so vivid, so real… I felt exactly what I had felt back then. No, he didn’t do anything terrible in the dream. His mere presence was enough to make it a nightmare.)))
I spent a long time wondering why he had chosen to reveal so much to me. What made him think I would understand or accept it? Perhaps he thought I was completely insane.
I could have assumed that he had read this website and, since he was not a self-aware narcissist, was simply repeating what he had learned here. But this website didn’t exist back then. And he actually called himself a psychopath, not a narcissist.
I have encountered many narcissists since him, but none were so open about themselves. And among my patients, I have never met anyone who described an experience quite like mine.
Sometimes I wondered whether it would have been easier if we had simply had a conventional romantic relationship. We were never boyfriend and girlfriend in the traditional sense, although he was unfaithful to me. But imagine if we had been an ordinary couple, he had cheated on me, and we had eventually broken up. Like so many women who have been through something similar, I might have simply concluded that he was a womanizer and a jerk.
Perhaps it would have been better not to know…
Although there were so many contradictions, so many small inconsistencies that would probably have been difficult to explain. Still, sometimes I wished he had simply lied.
I remember telling him during one of our arguments, in the heat of the moment, that he should never have told me any of this. That I couldn’t cope with it. That I didn’t want to know.
And perhaps it’s better that the other women in his life don’t know what he told me. Not everyone is prepared to face something like that.
If I hadn’t had this experience, I would probably have questioned the truth of what HG says in this video. I might even have idealized him.
But I simply cannot do that. Because I understand that this side of human nature exists. At the same time, I can also see the good that HG’s work has brought into so many lives.
And through all of this, I came to understand something very important.
You cannot try to turn someone into the person you want them to be, or force upon them what you believe is good for them when they don’t want it. Even when your intentions are genuinely good, they are not obliged to meet your expectations or become who you wish they were.
Trying to heal them, to fix them, to change them against their will… in the end, you may simply be trying to break them.
So yes, A Victor, I agree with you. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. You can still appreciate what they have given you without trying to make them into someone else.
Josephina,
Thank you for the reply. You are perceptive. I had not considered how odd it was for people to share too much too fast, like why would they? Don’t they understand that it’s possibly an imposition to the hearer? Well, narcissists don’t care. It’s how they draw us in. And I didn’t see it because it caught my heart.
Anyway, I appreciate your reply, you do see much as I do.
Thank you, A Victor! And I feel really embarrassed that you’re thanking me for my reply. By the way, I’ve written a lot here about my feelings and experiences, and I still do. I often feel that my posts here are so emotionally messy, while the other members are so rational and composed… And it’s not like I’m intellectually weak, but for some reason my posts really do turn out to be overly emotional. At least I don’t embarrass myself like this in real life!!))
Hi AV, sorry it’s been a while since we last chatted. I would like to suggest that there are some empaths that tend to “share too much too fast” because of possibly being newbies to HG’s work and / or their empath schools / cadres and heightened ET. As for narcissists, well, you know the answer why they “over share”, the hooking in – remember, we are the ones that can understand WHY, never mind the Who, What, When, How etc. The narcissists don’t. Oh, apart from the Greaters, and, erm, who else was it? Oh, yes, The Enigmatic Ultra that we all know him to be, never mind all the other invisible masks that he wears and the select few that he decides to show as ‘himself’. On that note, I do recall the time of year it is for you, I understand. Has that TTU not fallen off her chair yet?! Yet, I am pleased for you that you do have a younger generation to enjoy your time with. Stay strong & stay safe xx
Josephina, I have not thought your comments to be either overly emotional or messy, I have actually thought the opposite. You have some keen insight into the realities of narcissism, I have enjoyed reading your comments, keep em coming! Please!
Hi Asp Amp,
You bring up a point I had not considered when writing my comment. That of empaths new to the blog sharing a lot fast. I don’t see that as any kind of problem, sometimes they need to, it’s therapeutic in a way, an unloading of a lot of heavy stuff. I was only thinking of my ex when I wrote that comment, who shared his tragic life story for hours the first time we went out, without asking me a single question or letting me say a single sentence. He almost didn’t get another date, but I didn’t know about narcissism back then. I understood Josephina’s comment to be in regard to a narcissist, not an empath. If I misread it, I have clarified what my reply intended here.
Yes, my mother is still upstairs… lurking… still on her chair, I think. I don’t see her much but I haven’t heard a crash. Okay, I’m laughing right now., that’s probably not right. Thanks for the giggle.
Hi AV, yes, I agree in regard to empaths, thank you for understanding my point. You reminded me of a blind date I went on, I was bored stiff and left after one drink. There was no follow up on that.
You made me laugh too (with your description). You also reminded me of the scene where Bond, James Bond visits Blofeld in his cell “accidently” infecting the guy with the Heracules nanobot….when I see the word ‘thump’ as Blofeld falls against the glass, I burst out laughing (that is my neurodiversity responding – I have not as yet obtained HG’s Psychopath Trait Detector, so it could be partly “something else”). (‘No Time To Die’ 2021 film). Thank you for responding xx
Hi Josephina,
I don’t find your comments emotionally messy either. I really appreciate your views on narcissism and psychopathy. You have empathy, you’re a psychiatrist and you’ve experienced narcissism first hand. That’s a unique perspective and I think you have a lot to offer.
I would like to add something else on this subject.
I work in the field of psychiatry and psychotherapy myself. And you know, sometimes I am simply astonished by how poorly some professionals understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the consequences of prolonged psychological abuse.
I don’t know what the situation is like in the US or Europe. Perhaps things are significantly better there, although I have my doubts. But in Russia, in my opinion, there are serious problems in this area.
We still use the ICD-10, in which Complex PTSD is not recognised as a separate diagnosis. It is included in the ICD-11. And sometimes I get the impression that some professionals have very little understanding of what complex trauma actually is and how it can manifest itself.
And here is what astonishes me the most.
A person may have endured years of psychological abuse, developed certain defence mechanisms, struggled with self-esteem, engaged in idealisation and devaluation, and reacted painfully to rejection. But instead of trying to understand where these reactions come from, some professionals begin looking for Narcissistic Personality Disorder in that person.
Why?
Because the person is ambitious? Because they have narcissistic defences? Because they sometimes idealise or devalue other people? Or because they want to start a family, have children, and, in a sense, see their children as a continuation of themselves?
But none of these things, in themselves, constitutes grounds for diagnosing NPD!
I am particularly surprised by how freely terms such as “narcissistic injury”, “narcissistic extension”, “narcissistic defences”, and numerous other concepts are sometimes used. At times, it seems that some professionals themselves do not really understand where individual psychological characteristics and defence mechanisms end and a personality disorder begins.
And the saddest thing is that such interpretations can cause enormous pain to people who have already spent years doubting themselves after experiencing abuse.
Just imagine: someone has endured prolonged psychological abuse, comes to a professional for help, and tries to make sense of what happened. Yet instead, the focus gradually shifts away from the behaviour of the person who harmed them and towards searching for pathology within the victim.
And after all, someone who has been through such an experience is often already inclined to blame themselves. Such interpretations may only reinforce their doubts and feelings of guilt.
Of course, I am by no means suggesting that all psychiatrists and psychotherapists are like this. That would be unfair. I have met wonderful, highly competent professionals to whom I am very grateful. But unfortunately, I have encountered others as well.
And the saddest thing is that even an incorrect assumption made by a professional can cause someone considerable pain, especially when it touches upon the consequences of psychological abuse they have already endured.
That is precisely why I consider HG’s work so valuable. His explanations help people better understand the mechanisms of narcissistic behaviour and the consequences of psychological abuse. And as someone who is familiar with his work not only through his publications but also through personal consultations, I hold his contribution in very high regard.
Something I read that has stuck with me:
Information is giving out, Communication is getting through.
HG ensures both for those willing to apply his work.
Hi Joesphina, a most interesting comment to read.
Have you seen HG’s videos : The Borderline https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRL2DaoOfn4 ; Autism or Narcissism https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AJxnc1QlIA ? His series on Sinead O’Connor was fascinating too.
Yes, it was through HG’s work that I understood PTSD / CPTSD better because of Matrinarc (I previously referred her as ‘Muvver’). I saw a therapist at 19 years old (a male ‘robot’ sat there) and I left after a few sessions, he was a total failure. Saw another at 30 years old, she was great and suggested I wrote letter to ‘muvver’ who refused to read it, nor discuss it (and same therapist said I did not have the ‘problem’ (anger “issues”, it was the ‘manager’). A past manager demanded me to attend anger management when he was causing me CPTSD through some of his refusal to apply legal reasonable adjustments at work. I won that, he lost, his side-kick personnel lost too = I made history on that for them !). It was the principle. I told my GP that I self-diagnosed my PTSD / CPTSD and can recognise when it is being triggered by what. It can result (not often these days) in a verbal ‘slap’ from me. Polite but firm slap even though they may deserve more than that!
Let’s just say that I am at the stage of ‘no abuse, no manipulations, no coercive control etc’, I tolerate far far less of narcissistic BS yet I believe I do manage myself extremely well despite the other areas of my life being difficult.
A weaponised empath can be empowered and equipped with HG’s work, even more so when they have knowledge of systems ie reasonable adjustments and fair systems ie not to disadvantage some but not others (they need to stop gate-keeping) just because they are “cash cows”. I understand Safeguarding more than many other people do – so I do my best to relay what I can to people without calling out ‘narcissist’. HG’s Riposte Emath Grenades come in very useful, I may apply my own variations.
Have you read ‘The Creation of Narcissism : To Control Is To Cope’ – https://narcsite.com/2021/10/27/the-creation-of-narcissism-to-control-is-to-cope-3/ and https://narcsite.com/2025/04/06/the-creation-of-narcissism-to-control-is-to-cope-5/.
It is extremely and increasingly difficult to find the right GP / doctor / therapist etc and Life Coaches (see HG’s videos on that) should be avoided unless ones that a regulated by Statutory ie qualified.
Thank you for reading.
Thank you HG for moderating.
Hi Asp Amp!
Thank you for the links. I’ve seen the first video, but I haven’t seen Autism or Narcissism. I’ll definitely watch it.
How wonderful that you won that case!!! Serves them right!!! Thank you for sharing your experience.
“A weaponised empath can be empowered and equipped with HG’s work” — I completely agree with you.
“So I do my best to relay what I can to people without calling out ‘narcissist’.” — That’s great!
“It is extremely and increasingly difficult to find the right GP / doctor / therapist etc.”
I practise cognitive behavioural therapy myself. But I decided to try something completely different and go for Gestalt therapy. I wasn’t familiar with this approach at all. All I knew was that they talk about feelings. My friend (a Gestalt therapist) couldn’t really explain to me what this type of psychotherapy actually involves either.
Anyway, three sessions went by!!! Three, for goodness’ sake, and my therapist, with this very knowledgeable expression on her face, says to me: “There’s a book by Nancy McWilliams called Psychoanalytic Therapy (and mind you, I love that book and have a copy at home). Read the chapter on NPD. See what resonates with you, and we’ll discuss it. Of course, I’m not saying you have NPD. After all, this is psychotherapy, and I’m not a psychiatrist, but do read it.”
And I’m sitting there thinking to myself, “I thought that chapter was about my ex. Oh, damn.”
But seriously, there was no fourth session.
I think she’s very lucky she’s never encountered real narcissists.
Even I, as a psychiatrist, don’t tell my patients with NPD that they have NPD, because I want to help them, and I know that if I tell them, they’ll leave therapy. In the vast majority of cases, they don’t come to me to have a personality disorder diagnosed. They come for treatment of co-occurring anxiety and depressive disorders.
Again, she could have said something like, “You have narcissistic coping mechanisms, and we could explore them together.” That’s just an example.
But I certainly wouldn’t bluntly tell someone, “You’re a narcissist. Please read this chapter. You’ll recognise yourself in it 100%, and then we’ll discuss it!”
In our country, this whole subject has become some kind of epidemic… You open Instagram and there are countless posts about empaths and narcissists… And the stuff they write is such nonsense!!! Just absolute nonsense generated by AI, with hundreds of likes on this rubbish.
I also recently watched an interview in which a psychologist said that we’re only taught the diagnostic criteria, but nobody tells us what actually happens when you enter into a relationship with a narcissist. (Oh, how right she is!!!!!!!!)
But HG does explain all of that.
I would absolutely love to see HG’s books included on the compulsory reading lists for psychiatrists, psychotherapists and psychologists in training.
(Of course, that’s not going to happen in Russia. Here, I’d be happy if his books were at least available in Russian.)
P.S. Thank you for the links to the articles! I read them some time ago, and I have them bookmarked.
Hi Josephina, thank you for your reply, I will write a response very soon. It’s been a long and tough day.
Hi Josephina, apologies to delay my reply to you. Here it goes….you know when therapists ask ‘how are you feeling?’ especially after a traumatic time / CPTSD period, it is not necessarily always the best / initial approach. Why? Because some people may be experiencing a mind-block. Maybe they are not ready to talk about how they feel. They may not know why they are feeling what they may be feeling. In my opinion and based on my experiences, I needed to know / understand what PTSD and CPTSD is. I also needed to find an easy to read in order to understand language as HG applies across his work. It was through his work that I learned I had in fact experienced PTSD / CPTSD from an early age. And it was through his work that I was able to process it. Hence my respecting the therapist that assisted me, only in part though – she could ‘see’ it and she listened.
There is a big difference in the words ‘listening’ and ‘hearing’ what people say. The lady therapist who helped me ‘listened’. The therapist (it seems to me) where you had 3 sessions ‘heard’ you but maybe was not ‘listening’.
It usually happens in ‘threes’ ! 3 assertsion of control; triangulation etc. You know the drill.
Your words “But I certainly wouldn’t bluntly tell someone, “You’re a narcissist. Please read this chapter. You’ll recognise yourself in it 100%, and then we’ll discuss it!”” – sent frissons upon my neck. Damn. I would! Not! However, (the naughty girl I am), I did ‘issue’ a challenge fuel – 2 words, 2 syllables (not the swearing type though) and then immediately followed that up with positive fuel. Seeing the micro-seconds of ‘The Changing Face of The Narcissist’ (please do read that article – absolutely excellent. Of course, HG wrote it), The first trigger was around 3 seconds followed by around 5 seconds….hmm. It was well received ! Even though HG recommends not to manipulate the narcissist. It was a test and I passed.
I agree that HG’s work should be compulsory / mandatory training in more health & social care fields. Including in schools about human behaviours, what they mean, when it happens, by whom etc. AI / social media / robots cannot teach that.
Do you have access to any text-to-speech reader equipment, or, at least some App that can translate into your language? Surely, there must be more than just using ChatGPT for videos? You can have a scout around and maybe find what will assist you to translate.
Alas, we do not, as yet, have an automated translator to recognise ‘Narcspeak’ and that is why we have to learn and understand it through HG’s work.
Dear A Victor and Leigh, thank you both so much for such warm words. I really appreciate them.
Hi Asp Amp! Thank you for such a detailed reply!
I agree with you about questions concerning feelings, especially when it comes to people with CPTSD. For example, I’ve noticed that when I talk about certain events in my life, I often automatically refer to myself in the third person. Perhaps this makes it easier for me to maintain some emotional distance from painful memories.
My most recent psychologist kept correcting me, insisting that I speak in the first person. At first, this irritated me, but eventually I simply began to feel uncomfortable. I think that when working with trauma, it’s particularly important to create a safe environment where people can talk about their experiences at their own pace and in whatever way feels comfortable to them. Constant corrections or premature diagnostic labels are hardly conducive to that.
This is precisely why I value HG’s work so highly. He doesn’t simply describe certain patterns of behaviour; he also explains the mechanisms behind them. For me, understanding what happened and why has been extremely important. Sometimes knowledge itself helps us make sense of our experiences far more effectively than endless questions about our feelings.
Thank you for recommending The Changing Face of the Narcissist! I’ve already read it, but HG’s work is definitely worth revisiting. There’s always something new to notice each time.
And your experiment with the narcissist amused me! I’m afraid I’ve said so many things to my own narcissist over the course of our interactions that it’s difficult even to remember them all! Of course, thanks to HG, I now have a much better understanding of the reactions my words may have provoked.
As for translating videos, I’ve found a fairly convenient method: I download the subtitles from a website and then translate them using ChatGPT. I like being able to read the text at my own pace and return to particular passages whenever I need to. So, for now, this method works perfectly well for me.
Thank you again for sharing your experiences with me!
Hi Josephina, there are many people who may refer themselves as the third person. Some narcissists do it too. By observing such ‘behaviours’ over a period of time and knowing the differences in whether it is a narcissist, normal, narcissistic or empath ‘speaking’.
Interesting about being insisted to speak as the first rather than the third person. Yes, persistently “correcting” someone during a difficult time, in a place where it may not be as comfortable as being at home with people you can trust (or those you have known for a long time) is not necessarily a conductive move. It can cause someone to withdraw further rather than open up more.
Talking about therapists, the waiting lists (ie in the UK) can be so long that can deter people from attending. The helpful one I saw was 6 sessions and she determined that it was enough because she assessed where the issues lay.
Of course, reading HG’s work over the years and re-reading does seem like watching a film again as one tends to ‘see’ more than the last time it was viewed. Even further, knowing and applying HG’s work, one can see the narcissism at work even in films. A few actors can only act in a similar role because they have not mastered the art of learning to wear different masks so to speak. Or they are too lazy to do so (less effort, less energy to apply).
I’m glad you found HG’s work and are using it to assist you. Reading other people’s experiences do help as you get to ‘observe’ it through their eyes.
I do remember how, it’s all about the motives.
Hi Josephina,
I have the same opinion as you about HG, I think HG doea good for so many, despite what he says about himself. HG is also a very intelligent man, more so than SV, and I don’t believe HG would shot himself in the foot with his clients, like SV did!
I am also grateful to HG for the clarity and understanding he gave me about the family dynamic and chaos I grew up in as an acon! I feel eternally grateful for that knowledge and I feel a deep admiration and love for HG, and that is the way it is! Xx