Driven Round the Bend

I love my car. It is beautiful. Powerful, sleek and impressive. Just like me. The exterior is anthracite black and the windows tinted black which gives it a sinister appearance which is rather apt I suppose. I enjoy driving and especially since I am an excellent driver. My car is a fantastic instrument by which I am able to manipulate you.

To begin with I spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning it. I could of course get someone else to do this for me but I know how much it irritates you when on a glorious sunny afternoon you want to drive out somewhere for the day and all I do is spend it on the drive washing, waxing and polishing my car. You come outside and remonstrate with me, which is all good fuel and only causes me to spend longer cleaning the alloys before moving on to the interior. I manage to provoke an argument with you because you wanted to use the Hoover (you should know by now that only I am allowed to Hoover) inside the house but I have commandeered it for a lengthy period of time as I scrupulously chase after each speck of dust inside my car.

I also engage in long conversations about its performance and how it is running. I know you find this boring and when you are trying to tell me about something, I will continue to dominate the conversation by talking about my car. The irritation you express through your sighs and eye-rolling amuses me no end.

I am naturally a brilliant driver and have demonstrated this on days out on race tracks as I have taken various high performance vehicles out for a spin leaving you stranded on the trackside bored to tears. The occasional temper tantrum you throw when I tell you we are going out for the day, only to arrive at one of the race tracks enables me to demonstrate just how selfish you are and that you have no consideration of the things that I like to do. However, it is when we are in the car together that my vehicle’s potential as an instrument of manipulation is truly realised. I drive aggressively, tail gating the car in front, flashing my lights to get that car to move aside and gesticulating at the incompetent buffoons who have the audacity to be driving when I am. The reactions of the other drivers, from fear to anger all provide me with fuel, but it is your pleas for me to slow down as I hurtle along a country lane or your scream as we screech to a halt behind a lorry that really do it for me. The aggression in my driving provides me with an opportunity to demonstrate how superior I am on the roads and motorways. My vehicle is better, faster and more expensive than your scrapheap so move aside right now. At the traffic lights an admiring glance from another driver, especially if she is female, will please me no end and irritate you. I will purposefully drive at the same speed as the other vehicle flashing my winning smile at the other driver as she looks back grinning whilst we drive alongside one another.

Should someone not give way or cut me up I will chase them and do so until they stop, be it at home or their destination. I will leap from the car and berate them at traffic lights whilst they are stationery, smashing my fist on their window and kicking their wing as they grip the steering wheel in terror. How dare they drive like that near me? I return to my car, power raging through my body as I have put them in their place and find you sobbing with fear after I pursued this driver relentlessly. The driver’s reaction and your reaction fuelling me deliciously.

I use my car as a bolt hole, often sitting in it and listening to the cricket on the radio or an interesting radio play as you knock on the window trying to get my attention. I ignore you and you stalk around the car, fuming. I know you want to scratch it or dent it but you know better than to do anything like that to my precious car. I will walk away from you and get in the car and drive off leaving you stranded. This is a powerful way of letting you know that you are in the wrong. I park where I want and throw away the parking tickets or abuse the traffic wardens, accusing them of jealousy when they try to give me a ticket. I speed everywhere as I am not to be delayed, it is my time and my journey that are important.

I enjoy suddenly pulling over in the car and demanding you pleasure me. You always comply and as you lower your head I grin at my power over you as I select one of my favourite pieces of music and press down on the accelerator as we drive off. Such is my ability, I can drive at high speed even whilst you attend to me with your mouth. I am truly the king of the road. I will have you over the bonnet and then scold you for leaving hand prints on the polished metal, giving me a wonderful opportunity to criticise you after a seemingly intimate act. Of course, when I have you splayed across the bonnet, skirt hitched up and hair scattered across it, I do not see you beneath me as I thrust and buck. No, I am enjoying congress with my vehicle. We are merging together, two beautiful and powerful creatures that truly complement one another.

You are never allowed to drive my car. It is mine and only I am able to use it to frustrate you, anger you, alarm you and terrify you. It is my black bombshell that is there to draw emotional reactions from you and those around us, to serve my need for fuel. Just like me, my car does not provide many miles to the gallon and needs frequent refuelling, but then anything of quality is always high maintenance isn’t it?

32 thoughts on “Driven Round the Bend

  1. Dan says:

    Wow, this hit home.

    I did an experiment on day. It was an hour to our destination. (I wasn’t permitted to drive unless I tolerate a barrage of passive aggression and criticism.) I wanted to know if her reckless driving was willful. I grey rocked on the way day, ignoring her or give one word answers, and reading your blog. We almost got into an accident twice, and her response to my concerns were “I am fully aware of the road.” Onthe way home I gave her my undivided attention. I hanged on every word, complimenting constantly, and praising her insight into how everyone in this world is defective and if only they had her perspective. Can you guess how safe she drove on the way home?

  2. Magda says:

    That’s weird…I love cars driving them or watching them anywhere…talk about cars and I’m all ears…..

  3. nikitalondon says:

    I remember this comversatiom was so funny πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  4. Ok so do you live in the UK or something? This is the part I just don’t understand. Why wouldn’t these women go get their own sports cars and go for the drive without you? Rent one if they had to. I have a convertible myself (not a Bentley…a Chevy…..SS Camaro) that I’m in love with and have been for 17 years. I love detailing it on a Saturday with no pressure from the peanut gallery to finish.
    More often than not, I want to slap these women you speak of (figuratively, not literally) and tell them to SNAP OUT OF IT. I know there’s a checklist of traits that your targets have to possess before you go in for the kill. And although I’ve only dealt with one covert narcissist in an intimate relationship, I thank my lucky stars that I had the “opportunity” to ride the Narcocoaster at least once. (My stomach and one last good nerve couldn’t handle another spin).

  5. Nikita says:

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Kat love you too!!!
    Youre so funny !!! Associating HG with Mr. Bean.
    Its true that the mini is a turnoff. I would prefer an old pick up πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.
    I let it all to my fantasy: the black car and its correlation to the size of excalibur πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.
    What I take off my mind is Mr. Bean.
    Classes were always funner with a sexy handsome teacher and so I prefer to think about Narc teacher πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.
    Again I LOVE your humor πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    1. malignnarc says:

      The only connection I have to Mr Bean is that I once I dined with Rowan Atkinson in Corbridge in the north-east of England. He insisted on facing the wall so he would not be recognised. I was content to face the restaurant and be recognised.

      1. Magda says:


  6. Freedom says:

    Your ok HG keep the armour for another day and another empath.
    Kat I am aware of the issues and demons I have and I’m currently awaiting counselling to help me with those very things.
    The reason I search validation on my exs front is I find it so hard to believe people can be so cruel and manipulative it is so far from what I see as normal ( whatever normal is). Im having very up and diwn days and atruggling with processing everything had other personal issues at the same time to deal with and have had a lot go deal with.
    Like I say my parents couldn’t have been any more loving caring, conpasionate and nutureing.
    I’ve always been very shy, and bullied at school. So my problems probably are deep seated from early school days. And bad choices in men later in life which have compounded my issues.
    Hopefully the counselling will help to build my self esteem and confidence just running on empty at the min.

    So back off there HG this fuel station is empty 😊😊

  7. Freedom says:

    Yes he did a fiat punto then a fiesta! Neither flash cars. HG

  8. Freedom says:

    You men and size in my experience with my ex narc he was always wanting to know was he bigger than my ex in that area. I told a white lie and said yes to save his feelings but unfortunately he was some what lacking in length anyway.

    Kat you’ll have to raise an eyebrow because I did and do have kind loving parents. Maybe my problem is believing that there are nice kind men out there still. More fool me.

    1. malignnarc says:

      He drove a short car Freedom?

    2. Kat says:

      Hi Freedom,

      You say that your parents really are loving and nurturing. Ok then, I believe you.
      But here’s something to consider: self loathing and repeatedly getting into relationships with highly toxic men is a huge red flag that there is something seriously wrong. And unless you address these issues properly, you WILL be repeating the past and getting ever more bitter and miserable.

      Alexis gave you great advice. Listen to her.

      But I will add that you are desperately seeking reassurance and validation, constantly needing people to tell you that you did absolutely nothing wrong, that he was 100% at fault and you are so much better off without him. These insecurities and neediness are blood in the ocean.

      Whatever he is, in reality, it always takes 2 to tango, Freedom.
      The more you learn, the more you apply the knowledge, the better off you will be. But that means knowledge of YOURSELF as well.
      As Sun Tzu said:

      “If you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss.
      If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or may lose.
      If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself.”

      There are plenty of nice, kind, genuine men put there. Guess what? They will not be attracted to self loathing, codependent, insecure, bitter women.
      But the predators who wish to use and abuse you most certainly will be. And they will be only too happy to play the knight in shining armour and silence all those demons in your head…up until they get what they want and your knight turns into an abusive douchebag in tin foil.

      Haven’t you had enough pain and misery yet?

      1. malignnarc says:

        I’m polishing the armour as I write.

  9. Nikita says:

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ no need of pics HG. everything is better and more beautiful in the imagination. Im sure Excalibur and the car have all the right sizes for you.

    Have a nice day β˜€οΈ

    1. malignnarc says:

      Ha ha as you wish Nikita.

    2. Kat says:

      Nikita, I just love you πŸ˜€

      Imagination is a wonderful thing, but let’s not be so hasty…
      I wouldn’t mind a photo.
      HG, would telling you that there is such a thing as Excalibur Short Sword, but never making jokes about it, count as being good?

      After all, picture this:

      He stands in front of the mirror and runs his hands along the smooth skin of his jaw, momentarily intensifying the intoxicating scent of Bvlgari in the air.
      He admires himself, sharp blue eyes sweeping over every curve of muscle underneath the beautifully tailored shirt.
      A devilish smile comes to his lips. “Perfection”, he purrs and winks at his reflection before heading for the garage. The fuel will flow today.
      Striding with surprising grace through the opulent interior of his country manor, hand made Italian shoes squeaking ever so slightly on the polished mahogany floor that has seen many a woman writhing in ecstasy beneath him.
      His manicured fingers grip the handle and he slides his body into… his Mini.

      Englishman in a Mini…
      I’m sorry, but am I the only one getting a mental image of Mr Bean over here?

  10. Nikita says:

    Kat πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ hilarious πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. You are so cool.
    HG all of us girls we do love you and will forever wonder about the real size of your ……… Car of course ! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

    1. malignnarc says:

      If you are good I might send you a picture. Of my car. Excalibur doesn’t do photos, just personal appearances.

  11. Nikita says:

    Yes of course 😱😱😱 up to you if you want all the people driving besides you to think you miss some centimenters somewhere.

    1. malignnarc says:

      There are no missing centimetres thank you very much. Nor inches since I am British.

    2. Kat says:

      HG, you know we love you. But we girls need proof.
      We will never believe you drive a mini!

      Nikita, you really made me laugh πŸ˜€
      I’m just going to smile very sweetly and leave this here:

  12. Nikita says:

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ was just a joke!!
    i imagine you as a very handsome and educated green eyed Brit with this wonderful accent and now a balanced oneπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    But Seriously what Kat says is true and its widely spread and to be honest as I was reading you posting This crossed my mind for a moment … And about my ex its also true.. So up to you to change your way of driving.

    1. malignnarc says:

      I have blue eyes but everything else that you described is correct! Why should I change my driving when there is nothing wrong with it? It is the idiots on the road who need to learn how to drive correctly.

  13. Nikita says:

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ kat is very funny!!!! And always right!! My ex with the racing corvette was missing in that exact part some cm’s !!! So its true!
    Now we know more intimate details about HG πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and by the way … No it doesnt balance. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ when did you hear that ?

    1. malignnarc says:

      I said it balances so it balances. Go it? Good !

      1. FA says:

        Your comment cracked be me up lololz

        “I said it balances so it balance “

  14. alexis2015s says:

    Mine used to brag about how great his car was and how rubbish mine was and kept telling me I should get a new one.

    I used to tell him , ‘my car is for the girl who doesn’t have to try’.

    ………..’at all’

    1. Kat says:

      Ummm…HG, you do know what they say about rage-aholic, maniac drivers in fast cars, don’t you?
      That they are trying to compensate for ahem…certain shortcomings.
      That doesn’t bother you?

      Love your style, Alexis πŸ™‚
      Also, thank you for that link to Shari Schreiber. I read her Casanova article a while back and absolutely loved it. Spectacular insights! My shrink family member is a fan of hers, so I’ve been lucky enough to discuss these issues with her a fair bit.
      I always raise an eyebrow when someone with low self esteem and history of attraction to toxic men claims they had wonderful, loving parents. Sure they did…

      As for cars and driving, one of my exes, Precious Princess, was eerily similar to what HG describes. He loved to do a few lines of coke and drive like a maniac in his Porsche. Ok, I admit it, that part was actually pretty fun.

      Except he never got blown in it (by me) and never visited a race track. But he did spend hours scrubbing the silly thing in a huff if I dared to sit in it after the beach. Wanker.
      I used to sit back, read a good book and take occasional jibes at him for polishing his penis extension all day, so I don’t understand why those women got that riled up about it.

      1. malignnarc says:

        My other car is a mini so I guess everything balances out yes?

      2. alexis2015s says:

        Thanks Lat, yes shari’s articles are fantastic. Helped me so much. It’s great you have someone to share this with too. Not sure if ive read the Casanova one ? I’ll check it out.
        They love to show off, and yup, always compensating for their inadequecies (negative fuel HG ???? X). So glad you didn’t blow him lol.

  15. nikita says:

    Ohh this post did evoque annoying feelings. Its amazing how many many Narcs are all exactly the same. I had this situation exactly the same. My ex- husband used to spend 4 or 5 hours of a sunny beautiful summer day cleaning his stupid corvette, and I did go with him once or max twice in a ride, that I have to say its really embarrassing to have been in that car when he roared the motor through the tunnels surpassing everybody, speed up or he made sure he would park right in front of where the people were having their drinks on the summer terraces of the restaurants so that when he turned on the car the roar of the motor would make everybody turn their heads, or this silly sign they make with the hand from Corvette to corvette. What an uncomfortable situation.
    Yes the feelings aroused in me where of being very very upset, embarrassed and disappointed. The weekend was ruined and I had a long face the whole weekend. Im so glad I am free from this. At work my colleagues roar up the parking house with masseratis, aston Martins, porsches , jaguars etc etc etc. Sorry but I have to laugh or roll my eyes up. Nothing else is more of a turn down than a guy in such a car and such an attitude.
    Also I hate it when at the coffee machine the answer to β€œ Did you have a nice weekend ? ” is a display on the iphone of the new baby and how it looks after being washed ….
    When I married my today ex-husband we were both just out of university and only our diplomas in hand and 1 very old car that had to be repaired often… people develop very differently than what you can expect sadly.
    Luckily today I have a very different situation. No flashy roaring cars.

  16. freedom says:

    Mmmm , my ex narc wasn’t an irrational speed merchant. He was although a very good driver and took every opportunity to tell me this. One time he did scare me though was hecwas insisting driving through a first which was rising fast. He made my hysterical and I demanded being ket out of the car. He said I was over reacting and everything would have been OK I’m a good driver. He did relent and reversed and took another route. He also never had flash cars in fact they were always quite bland and boring !

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