Shell Shocked Silence

I was in a consultation with Dr E. We had been discussing the various methods by which I obtained fuel and the conversation had largely been given over to the question of the methods of obtaining negative fuel from those that I had ensnared.

“Tell me,” continued Dr E, ” about one of your favoured states to place a victim in.”

“Tough call that Dr E, I have several.”

“Select one then and tell me about it.”


“I am interested to ascertain what one the states is and in particular what you get from that.”

“Haven’t you been listening? I told you that it is the fuel that I obtain from their emotional reactions, especially the negative ones. That is what I get from these situations.”

“I recognise that but I have seen, through our consultations, that everything you do serves a multiplicity of purposes. Everything of course leads to the harvesting of your fuel but I have seen you gain other things beside your fuel.”

“Such as?”

“I have made notes but I do not want to prime you, I want you to describe the situation and then explain to me what you get from it,” pressed Dr E. I sat and regarded him for a moment. I tried to ascertain if he was getting something else from asking me about this. You see, I have worked out that Dr E is a rascal for projecting. He cannot help himself. He will suggest a methodology applicable to me when in fact what he is talking about is a methodology he wishes to apply. In this instance he was trying to get me to talk about the multiple benefits of a given scenario whereas what I knew was that he was getting more from this discussion than just receiving an answer to that question. I know your game Dr E. You think you are smarter than me but you are not. Still, I decided to indulge him. There was no need to let him know that I was on to his method.

“Okay. One of the situations that I like to create is one of a shell shocked silence.” Dr E began to write. I waited for his reaction before proceeding.

“I see. Please explain more to me.”

“Well, we have discussed at length the various manipulative methods that I apply to get fuel which bring about control and the diminution in my target’s capability to resist me. I lower their critical thinking,Β  maximise their isolation and increase their reliance on me. The sustained and repeated application of these techniques often leads down the road to my target being left in a state of shell shock.”

I waited as Dr EΒ continued to make his notes. He scratched his nose and then spoke.

“Do you do anything in particular that brings about this shell shocked state?” he asked.

“It is the culmination of a variety of manipulative techniques but there needs to be a final flourish, something that will tip this person over the edge into their numbed silence.”

“Such as?” he queried.

“Well, I find that a sudden escalation of a certain act or behaviour tends to tip the balance. It might be the violent destruction of something that they love right in front of them that causes them to stand shaking unable to speak. On another occasion I may reveal that I have been engaged in an affair with someone they trusted and felt close to, say a best friend or a family member. I do recall that once I was having sex with Alex and part way through I told her ‘By God Joanne you are so much better at this than Alex’. Truth be told it is really about the build up, the campaign has to be such that any resistance and ability to fight back must be totally eroded so that when this coup de grace is applied they are just plunged into a broken silence.”

“I see but how does silence provide you with fuel?”

“Easily. It is the tortured look on their face that provides me with the fuel, the strangled sob, the look of total and utter defeat in their eyes. Those tears which trickle down their face as they look at me in a mixture of horror and disbelief. I have told you before about how a wildebeest has that strange expression on its face, something between terror and confusion as a lion eats it alive. It is the same there. Bringing about such an expression combined with this silence produces premium fuel.”

I stretch as I savour the memories which flood my mind at the mention of this technique.

“What is it about that reducing this person to such a state that appeals to you beyond this level of fuel that you obtain?” asked Dr E.

“The fact that is demonstrates that I have total hegemonic control over them.”

“Leaving you able to do what?”

“Anything I like. After all, nobody prevents me from doing what I want.”

“By rendering them into this state you remove their capacity to object to whatever you do?” he queried.

I nod.

“But surely that makes them little more than an automaton and if that is the case how can they be of use to you in such a state? I should have though that they would now be devoid of providing you with the reaction that you require?”

“But this state is a reaction in itself Dr E, it is a pinnacle of the campaign and represents triumph on my part, it exemplifies my supremacy and my power and the desolate eyes, trembling mouth and forlorn expression all amount to a reaction and a satisfying one at that.”

“I see,” said Dr E and he continued to write. I waited for him to finish the sentence in his notebook before he looked at me.

“And of course ultimately there is something else that arises from this shell shocked silence.”

“What is that?” he asked.

“Silence gives consent.”

91 thoughts on “Shell Shocked Silence

  1. Noreen cassidy says:

    Do you ever feel sad that you can’t feel love for another person or feel loved by another? I have felt both and it is the greatest feeling I have ever had. I’ve read a lot of what you have written and the comments others have made. They all make me wonder if you or any narcisst can ever truly be happy. I have been hurt by a narcisst but I know that I will get over it and move on. The life of a narcisst seems so empty.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I don’t feel sad. Feeling sad is a waste of time and serves no function. I understand why you write as you do Noreen but my life is far from empty, in fact it is rather full.

      1. Noreen says:

        Thank you HD for responding so quickly. I wasn’t insinuating that your life wasn’t full , I apologize if that is the way it came across. Is love just something you/ narcissts in general just don’t need or want? I’m just very curious about this.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome Noreen. No, I need love as it is a form of positive fuel. I understand that others need love in order to feel safe, to feel valued, to feel a validation for the love that they give to somebody else. I also believe that believe are conditioned to believe that the receipt of love from another person is a goal which should be attained. I also want love in order to feel “safe”, it means that the weakness and restlessness will be lessened and even extinguished by the provision of this form of positive fuel. Of course, seeing you cry, or hearing you praise my achievements causing a similar outcome because they are all forms of fuel. I do not need love to feel valued, but I need it so that I am recognised but once again your tear,your anger or your laughter can provide a similar outcome for me. Love is not a higher ideal to me, it is just one form of fuel. Its importance lies not in what it means to me, but what your love for me means to you. It means that you will remain bound to me, that you will provide fuel, that you will keep trying to work things out and that you become provider for the very things which maintain my existence. I want your love because it is a necessary device which means that when you provide it and as an empathic individual boy do you provide it, you do so in such a way which allows so many of the things that I need, to be fulfilled.

          1. Noreen says:

            WOW!! That was enlightening! Now it makes perfect sense why he was so jealous or my cat and my kid… I was like OPEC !

  2. Nikita says:

    Looking forward

  3. susan anderson says:

    πŸ™‚ Ive read Ross Rosenberg and Spartan Life Coachs theories and like them both for different reasons. Spartan brings humor and Ross brings facts…It took a long time to forgive…it was painful to cut him off bc I felt loyal to someone who depleted me of the opportunity to understand love wasnt control.

    I dont know if I will get involved with anyone anytime soon. For now I attend Domestic Abuse counseling, just to let it out. Because I was taught not to cry….My Father called me weak and a sissy if I cried. Im learning to cry now…its like removing years of toxin out of my life.

    HGs readings have truly been most inspiring because I laugh when he makes comments that I can see in my EXN. Rolling his eyes at our naivity….My Ex would say I analyzed him too much and need to stop taking the responsibility to save someone who doesnt want to save himself. Said I wanted to create a puppet. But that wasnt true. He had good qualities. I saw him with children and pets….it was like a child came out….with people – adults….he trusted noone. He even thought I was up to something. He said that he was my Science Project trying to prod in his mind…again untrue. I believe I was his, as he wanted to see someone who battled abuse since childhood (biggest mistake to share this with a manipulator) so he watched me break down and become weak.

    I told him if he took the energy in breaking my spirit, imagine the success hed obtain. But the lack of success was my fault, as I sucked the life out of him….all too painful…I need to heal my own little girl inside and stop believeing all ppl are good. They have their own war within, therefore they engage in war against the true opponent…women… xoxox take Care – S

    1. Nikita says:

      Hi. susan. I see the differences with your dad. If mine saw me crying he would do anything to stop that in a very nice way. He would get very worried or angry if the reason were my brothers…he protected me completely making a fake perfect world for me where I rebellled to this with 16.
      we were 3 but we were all golden child or scapegoat in case we did not do as he wanted. Scapegoat would receive the silent treatment and he did critize very much when we did things not his way, but not in away that would really put you down with insults but a critics is already a put down I have learned. A big one.
      I did an online course and a book to be able to speak without critizicing.
      I still believe everybody has a good part. Im pretty sure our blogger of the year HG has some very good parts that dont come from faking.
      My learning from all of this narcissistic discovery is that I have to learn to set boundaries and let go.
      Good luck to you and youre healing.
      We are all in the same path. XX

      1. malignnarc says:

        Blogger of the year. Why thank you. Where is my prize or is that you?

        1. Nikita says:

          Jajajaja HG. Yes you are at least my blogger of the year and yes I have a prize for you.
          Dont say that its me as this can lead to misunderstandings but just let me know when you want to claim your price πŸ—»πŸ’‹

          1. malignnarc says:

            I shall do so.

  4. susan anderson says:

    Maybe your Father was not Narcissistic to a Malignant degree? For the mostpart what I have experienced was my Father was brilliant and charming. Fun. Loved fun. Cars. Homes. Women. And alcohol. He threw many parties growing up. One too many to keep record of. And people LOVED our family. They had no IDEA how mean he was. However for some reason he felt it was OK to poke fun at my mother (only with certain people)

    He was nice when he needed something. As we became older he was cold. He could not control us – so it wasnt fun. He tore at me from the start, from my looks, to my figure, to my lack of wit and intelligence. And it derailed me. He didn’t understand – we were puppets (or puppies) to him, and as hurtful as it still feels I can speak about it now. I was never able to do this for over 40 yrs. I would praise him and deny he was cruel

    I never had real love from a man other than my Grandfather and I took his death terribly (visitted him this weekend for the 1st time in 2 yrs) He adored my Grandmother and respected us, all. If he hated women I never saw it.

    My Father hated women. I told him this and he said he loved them. This was not true. He loved to torment them. Even his children. It takes time to grasp this. But it’s possible. – Love and Cheer – S

    1. Nikita says:

      Maybe Susan maybe he was not. I remember spartan life coach once defined a malignant narcissit as one that was always critizicing others and absolutely needed to put others down to feel better about himself and that he was definetly not.
      For him it was all about charm charm charm, fuel fuel fuel mainly positive, women , women and women, lies, lies, this devaluation cycle and totally emotionally abscent but as said for some reason the two last years he chose me as the person who would receive all of his emotions…
      Big hug to you Susan. Below a link to a book that R. Rossemberg recommends. Its the journey of a woman forgiving her malignant narcissistic father.

  5. susan anderson says:

    I love the title… and so far, you’ve all been little boys in spirit – just picking on girls never made much sense outside of my own personal theories….How naive …I’m highly intuitive as you are intuitive, as well – you break us, we fix you….it’s …….instant familiarity… I cant wait for the book… I envision your eyes roll while writing about one of us…

    I was born into this, as you were. I have to find comedy in my tragedy or I would have been killed, years ago. Will keep eyes peeled for the book.

    Good evening, HG – S

    1. Nikita says:

      Yes we do have thst thing in common with Narcissist. We were born into it.

      1. susan anderson says:

        πŸ™ Yes we are. I didn’t realize there was a label or diagnosis. My Father said that Psychiatrists were crazy. My Father is also penniless and alone after making millions, having many homes, using many people’s money and leaving his family to build a new one (she left and took the children. She did them a favor – my Mother did not) The damage takes years to comprehend. Only last year did I cut ties w/my Father. It wasn’t easy – he even showed up at my house—-Blessings Nikita xo

        1. Nikita says:

          Hi Susan.
          Mine died also almost alone although he had an army of people who adored him but he was pushing away everybody out of his life. The nearer they wanted to come the father he went, except for me. He looked for me alot and put all the weight of his sorrow on me so when he passed away, it took me two years and a visit to a hospital where people can gain psychological peace.
          Me and him had a very close relationship. I love still my father with all my heart. He was a good father although today I know he was emotionally abscent and very strict with me. With my mother had a very bad relationship ( he outstands HG’s female list by far) and this combination resulted in me being a codependant. But he was always helping me with all, providing me with alot of material things and always joking and talking about interesting things. Maybe he was also too overprotective.
          He was very little at home as he worked alot, traveled alot, lots of sports and social life, but when he was at home he was really fun.
          If you did not cross him my father was the best person in the world. Very lovely, But if you did… It got bad. You could call it even cruel. The lovebombing, devalue and discard cycle was very obvious althoug my father was constantly looking for fuel it was of the positive one. In fact he believed strongly in respect and he was very strict with this and us towards the people who worked at home. He had to have Fuel the whole day. I think he could not pass more than 30 min without fuel.
          For me fuel was a life changing book because I finally understood my dads life.
          Neverthess there are big differences… when HG talks about mirroring, i cant recall my dad as like mirroring somebody but on the contrary he got everybody to mirror his wishes. He had likes of his own, opinions of his own, character of his own. Everybody who knew him could very well define him and we would all describe the same things. He was also not devoid of emotions as I he could show them all but in an original way.
          One thing that my dad did do was open his mouth to lie. In a natural way…
          Anyway I do miss him alot. Everyday still…

  6. susan anderson says:

    Id like your feedback on something that truly made me sit to dissect…Last year during a severe devaulation over Christmas, the EXN went full throttle against me – bc of asking to be on his Twitter account. He always accused me of being a ‘spy’ to see who he was with…When I would react, in complete shock and denial where we’d being to argue he would immediately say things like I am a Warden, noone can tell him what he can/cannot do, and basically yell over me until I was in a state of disbelief.

    In any event, when he said over and over that he cannot handle the responsibilities of a relationship and i would cry and tell him that I hated him so much for playing mindf*ck games, he would then retreat and say “OK lets work it out” and when I said NO life doesnt work this way and I hate him and leave me alone hed have an immediate knee jerk reaction when I AGREED to separate and begin telling me that no other man could ever want my disrespectful mouth, and Ill never settle down bc Im insane.

    If I agreed to his terms, but bc I didnt react calmly or simply say OK – is there a reason as to why he would begin assaulting my verbally while AGREEING we should end it? It was a rollercoaster for a very long time, but this behavior perplexed me…I reacted then agreed to end it…but then Id get about 6 addiitional insults QUICKLY flung at me about how undesirable I was as a woman.

    Why the extra hate if he Discarded me and I expressed agreement but also my hatred for him….the ending never really made sense…

    3 months later he sent me roses to say he knows I love roses 4 my birthday….but he was an ass when we spoke…I wouldnt budge on what I felt I deserved – which was normalcy as much as we both knew it to be


    Long Winded Post

    1. malignnarc says:

      It is all about keeping you off balance and allowing him to maintain control. If you go along with what he suggests, you are asserting a degree of control, so he will then change his position in order to show he has control. That is why there is never any logic to the way we behave when viewed through your eyes but to us it makes perfect sense. We are contrarian by nature in order to keep you confused (and thus diminishing your coping abilities) and to allow us to appear (in our minds) in control of you.

      1. susan anderson says:

        So you actually know that you contradict yourself? Other than Sam V, I am in awe over the fact that you are in-tune with yourself.

        My father is a NPD and I didnt put it together until my Discard last year. I hadn’t understood why I was a magnet to ‘fix’ men inside. Then it made sense. I always say a little boy in all of them – an innocence outside of the hostility and lies to others…I witnessed it and would laugh…I never thought itd be me – one almost 20 yrs and the other 6…they were all the same in the end. Amazing.

        Kudos and thanks again. Ciao. – S

        1. malignnarc says:

          Yes I do. Sometimes it gets lost in the heat of the fury but I know that I contradict myself but have no issue with doing so as it is necessary to maintain my source of fuel and that is all that matters. Yes we are so similar and that results in me having received messages through my various channels where at least 30 people claim that I am the narcissist in their life when in reality I do not know them, but the similarity results in that mistaken belief. It is interesting that you refer to the little boy, you will be interested in a forthcoming book of mine called “Little Boy Lost : The Creation of a Narcissist”.

          1. Freedom says:

            I’m looking forward to your little boy lost book. I always thought my ex was a Peter Pan never wanted to grow up. When he showed what j thought were his insecurities I’d always reassure him and love him. What a mug !!

          2. MLA - Clarece says:

            Looking forward to that read along with Revenge!

          3. malignnarc says:

            Pleased to read that Clarece.

    2. Freedom says:

      It’s so good to hear someone else had similar tantrums from their narc. My ex narc went off in one when I asked to be his friend in Facebook I got a while load of lame excuses then he got defensive accusing me of just wanting to stalk him and control him. He also said I just wanted to spy on him and his friends. I let it go the first time. Then when he went to india as my FB request must have been in his pending file two for irfan women appeared on my friends you may know, I did not. When I looked into the connection it was him. So when he came home on leave J asked again and asked who they were. He flew off the handle, saying minor discussing this refused to talk to me. Eventually I got FB is for my friends you’re more than my friend answer talk, text and whatsapp. He claimed an ex had plastered nasty things on FB about him and he wasn’t going there again. It was probably just the truth being posted.
      I was disgusted soon after and as I’ve said in other posts he married another Indian lady 14 weeks later.

      1. susan anderson says:

        They simply evade the truth and then move on – playing other women. It is disgusting to see one person be so dirty to another. But luckily we have resources to turn to in order to understand that pathological lying cant be helped. Plus….they’d rather bully women…which stil baffles me, since they pretend to be ‘manly’ men based off sexual conquests. They are nothing short of abusive, and you cant do anything but be thankful he is gone.

        1. Freedom says:

          Hi Susan

          Somedays I’m thankful I’m free and then someday a I miss the person I thought he was. I find it so hard to detach the two. Reading the HGs books and blogs are helping as are the encouraging posts on the blogs.
          My family and friends don’t understand why I can’t just be grateful he’s gone and be thankful I’m free and it isn’t I who is married to him. I think unless they’ve been at the hands I’d a narc they’ll never know. They keep saying you’ll meet someone else, to be honest I don’t think I want to in case they turn into another narc. πŸ˜“ I used to think if my dog likes them they can’t be all bad well my ex narc has proven that theory wrong. He was a small boy trapped in the body if a man. I found that vulnerability endearing more fool me.

  7. Nikita says:

    Very good discussion! Clarence seems totally empowered and recovered. Good for you !!!

    1. MLA - Clarece says:

      Hi Nikita! It’s more like fake it, til you make it! Lol My Narc has been hoovering since the holidays and I think I’m walking more of a tightrope there.

      1. malignnarc says:

        You love the attention of the Hoover Clarece, admit it!

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          Oh H.G. I cannot tell a lie. I do. Even being an illusion, with much thanks to you, I know how to alter /ration the Fuel all the better making it so much sweeter to pass the time.

  8. MLA - Clarece says:

    Well, H.G., maybe the good doctors should throw us in a room like a couple of lab rats and see what combustible explosion ensues…?

    1. malignnarc says:

      Ha ha sounds like a plan.

      1. Freedom says:

        A dangerous liaison for clarece I fear.

        1. malignnarc says:

          Nonsense Freedom I am a pussy cat. Honest.

          1. Freedom says:

            Me thinks you are a pussy cat but one of the larger of the family … A tiger maybe a lion even better ….. A cheetah !

          2. malignnarc says:

            Very good. I am of course not a leopard as I am able to change my spots.

          3. Freedom says:

            No you don’t change them you just cover them up with make-up and glitter to make them sparkle.

            Your spots that is 😊

          4. MLA - Clarece says:

            Cougar trumps pussy cat.

          5. malignnarc says:

            That’s the way I like you to think.

          6. Freedom says:

            😊😊Clarece, cougar is something I could try 😊

          7. MLA - Clarece says:

            Hello Freedom! Happy New Year to you! Have enjoyed your last few comments, and yes everyone should get to play Cougar once in their lifetime! πŸ˜‰
            And H.G. you just keep thinking you’re pulling Jedi mind tricks on me! Haha

          8. malignnarc says:

            Strong the empathy is in this one.

          9. MLA - Clarece says:

            It does H.G. It emanates out of me from head to toe! I just can’t help myself…

          10. Freedom says:

            Happy new year Clarece
            I think 2016 might be the year of the cougar 😜
            I always enjoy the interaction between you and HG 😊😊

          11. MLA - Clarece says:

            Freedom, thank you so much! I had no idea my comments were creating a good stir! I certainly hope 2016 is better than the last few for us!

          12. Freedom says:

            Me to Clarece onwards and upwards. Like a Phoenix rising from the flames of hell. Free of our narcs x

            HG I’ve been watching Jonothan Strange and Mr. Norell based on the book by Susanne Clarke, the Raven king reminded me of a narcissist. Taking the people he wanted placing them under an enchantment and engaging them in an eternal dance. Sound familiar ???

          13. malignnarc says:

            The Raven King is a close personal friend.

          14. Freedom says:

            No surprise there then HG .

          15. malignnarc says:


  9. Sheila says:

    You are correct in both the way in which the situation was analysed and used to benefit the relationship N and there was no blood relationship between them. The relationship N’s most frequent question on the occasions our work time overlaps is about the child N and if the situation is stable. Well aware that he’s biding his time in hopes that my home life will change and allow him an opportunity.

  10. Sheila says:

    Without going into details it was an event that was so reprehensible and chilling that professionals were shocked and in disbelief. When the relationship N came to comfort me (still in the love-bombing stage and willing to come to my rescue) the situation rendered him speechless and unable to provide any comfort, He took the first opportunity to leave and as quickly as possible. Several days passed without contact and when contact was re-established there was a long list of possible situations with the child N that the relationship N brought to me to convince me to have my child N ‘locked away’… the list was all ways that he perceived himself to be the victim, of course. While the relationship did continue for a few months more, he cultivated a fearful avoidance of my child N when not in her presence, but antagonized and created conflict to gather fuel from her as well when she was present. This of course enraged the child N, who created even more outrageous and erratic behaviours for me to deal with.

    1. malignnarc says:

      A real maelstrom there. The relationship N was demonstrating our well-known dislike of having to be responsible for a situation and offer help and empathy. When a situation requires it we will vanish unless we can turn it to our advantage (as he later did) to extract fuel from the situation that has arisen. I take it the relationship N in not a blood relation to child N?

  11. Sheila says:

    HG has there ever been an event in which you were shell shocked into silence? If so, how did you handle that? Did you seek to distance yourself and initiate your own non-contact? Picking your brain to put a situation of my own in perspective. I think I might be a bit unique in both being in a romantic relationship with an N as well as having a child with clear N tendencies that would frighten any sane person.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Hello Sheila. Nothing has shell shocked me into silence. If I choose silence it is by reason of unleashing the silent treatment as a weapon to extract fuel, control and manipulate. I am not shocked by things. How do you see shell shocked silence relating to your dynamic with your relationship N and your child N?

  12. Again I say thanks for giving me clarity and validation. Yes my husband’s behavior would just shock me into silence because I just couldn’t understand what kind of human being could do and would do do dumbest things that he did just out of cruelty. When he was being cruel he would always have a smirk on his face no matter how devastated or hurt I was. I use to thin n was now I understand why

    1. I use to think he enjoyed it now I know he actually did. Sorry for the error in my previous reply.

    2. alexis2015s says:

      Awwww joicelizabeth

      I just want to jump through the Internet and give you a big hug x

  13. Leslie Constantino says:

    As I lay here…reading this in Vegas, drunk and have definitely seen the fury from my narc… I realize that alcohol is my friend today because I could care less! πŸ™‚ I read this and know this is what my narc is trying to get from me today…. every step there are other women who may be interested but not me!!! Ahhhh the pleasure and numbness that Vegas brings! If you could only see my smile!

  14. TimeWasted says:

    I don’t understand why you would want to deliberately cause someone pain, but reading this is helping me to let go. Ns are horrible people.

  15. alexis2015s says:

    Stay strong freedom. You can do this, his wife likely wouldn’t belwice you. Plus you never know she may well have a PD herself.

    It must be hard thinking about him coming over in March but you’re doing really really well xx

    1. Freedom says:

      Thanks Alexis
      I trying to put a brave face on being a bit like the narcs but in this case pretending who I used to be prior my interaction with my ex narc.
      Yes it is very hard knowing he’ll be in the uk at the end of march and I think it reminds me of the last time I was with him and I was happy left thinking my life was all set for a future together. Looking forward to my holiday in India visiting all the places we’d planned he’d promised to take me to goa said I deserved it and he missed me. He should have been home for good this September now I think he’s planning on living in India but that’s yet to be seen.
      I don’t know much about his wife but I imagine she’ll be a kind empathic person who can fill him with fuel for now.
      Some days just seem so hard and today is one of them. But thank you to all you kind people who give me support when I’m low thank you.

      Have a goo weekend Alexis x

      1. alexis2015s says:

        We’re all here for each other freedom xx I have no doubt at all that you will get through this

        1. Freedom says:

          Thanks Alexis cx

  16. Nikita says:

    Hi Freedom

    I had not seen the video but did now… Im glad as it was not making all sense to me…. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    Freedom stop worrying about how they are.. I guess its not going to be fine. The guy is not aware of what he is and she neither so its just time…
    I work with many Indian ladies and I know they are not very pro divorce but this does not mean happiness. They are pretty dominant in my opinion.
    Just forget and concentrate on what makes you happy! Intil you dont decide to let completely go and even forgive! Yes forgive, you wont be really free… Its not easy to forgive but there are some very good books on it. The art of forgiving.
    Im not so well Freedom but thanks for asking. Well for me is having energies to go snowboarding or doing something fun but Im rather low on energy. Besides its gray, rainy and cold so that does not help. But Im lets say ok. Im on my own and take time to think, I even went to a coffee shop and took tea alone!! And felt good about it. So this is a big step forward for me.
    Thanks for asking and have a nice rest of the weekend. X

    1. Freedom says:

      Hi nikita

      I’m sorry to hear you’re not so good πŸ˜”
      No the weather doesn’t help our mood it’s grey, wet, windy and a cold snap predicted.
      I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him for what he’s done as to forgive him would mean I condone his actions and treatment of me. I’m not sure whether he does or doesn’t know what he his but it doesn’t change things. Indian women may not be pro divorce, neither was I as a catholic who took her wedding vows very seriously but I reached a point I could take no more and left and filed for divorce.
      My problem is no matter what’s happened I still have feelings for him and I can’t seem to shift them. I must be a glutton for punishment.

      Hope you are in a better place soon and good in you for going out on your own that was a very big step to take be proud of yourself. Have a good weekend. Xx

  17. Freedom says:

    My ex threatened to discard me once as I didn’t initiate tea enough. Said it was always him pushing for tea. May I add I like tea 😜but when you ask someone if they want tea and everytime they say no you stop asking if they want tea.

    1. Nikita says:


      Are you taking figurative?? Is it tea = sex or real tea?? I dont get it.. Discard because of lack of tea ?? 😱😱??? Or is maybe a British thing….
      Seems not to have been lots of fun for you…
      I hope you stopped worrying about how its going for his wife… She must be having the worst time of her life…

      1. Freedom says:

        Hi Nikita

        Yes it’s metaphorically, Alexis posted a video ‘ tea consent’ so yes tea = sex in my post. If it was just a cup of tea and not really meaning sex I’d be a nymphomaniac I’m a typical Brit drink tea by the bucket full ( has to be earl grey though) ha ha.

        I’d like to say I’d stopped wondering and thinking of him and her but I’d be a liar. It’s getting easier but my head is still playing tricks on me. I know he’s due back to the uk end of march for his birthday so I’m dreading any contact from him, also have to get myself into a position that I don’t drive to his parents to tell his new wife all about him. She wouldn’t believe me anyway.

        Hope you’re ok Nikita x

  18. alexis2015s says:

    Wow HG just wow !!

    Maybe a little video on consent may help you understand things

    Unconsciousness represents silence in this example

    1. malignnarc says:

      Unconscious is no good to me. I am entirely conversant with someone in a state of consciousness (albeit silent but capable of expressing a lack of consent) and someone who is unconscious (who cannot give consent because look they are unconscious). Do not equate a conscious silence which grants consent to an unconscious incapability to grant consent. But then that is what you always do isn’t it, move the goalposts to suit your agenda. Balls to the tea by the way.

      1. alexis2015s says:

        Oh my HG. I loved your response. I didn’t understand most of it but I liked it all the same.

        It’s a real shame you’re not so keen on the tea though

        1. malignnarc says:

          That is quite a good overall summary ” I didn’t understand most of it but I liked it all the same.” That will be repeatedly applicable.

  19. Sheila says:

    Just received another volley of artillery this evening. Truly thankful for the timing of today’s blog and a session with my therapist before I came home to face it. Put me in a much better place to be able to sit back and process the reality behind the attack without engaging and giving the fuel being sought from me. After the attack didn’t pan out I’m now being treated to full on silence.

  20. MLA (Clarece) says:

    You keep saying your “campaign”. That the shell-shock moment is the culmination of all your hard work I’m assuming from day 1 upon noticing your victim and learning about them, love-bombing them, providing the golden period, start to devalue and pull away, etc., all leading up to this pivotal moment. How can you say then, that with every person, you have felt real affection and fondness (I won’t dare say love) and that they all inevitably let you down? You set everyone up to fail so you can reach and experience your climactic release to relish in the worst kind of betrayal and hurt in this very moment, if I am to go by this blog. Therefore, you let yourself down H.G. Every.Single.Time.
    I would not at all consider the silence “consent”. Ignorance is bliss until you are confronted with what the ugly truth really is. And this does not make you Superior. It is a disorder you have, making you rather flawed indeed, just like the rest of us. Hence why your family has you in therapy.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Can an artist not love his work? Can one not plan something and still have a deep affection for this plan and the parts that constitute it? My affection is evidently. different from yours but that does not make it something less. It all depends on how one looks at the world. I don’t set up everyone to fail at all. Certainly I test them and then they start to let me down so that the following denigration is inevitable and one which I am destined to unleash in order to protect myself from this failure on the part of the other. We shall have to differ about the consequence on silence amounting to consent but if it was good enough for Sir Thomas More then it is good enough for me. If something offends you, speak out. Show your power in doing so. If you do not then you are consenting to it. My family has me in therapy to serve their own agendas but I go along with it to further mine now.

      1. Freedom says:

        I did speak up and say i didnt like things H G this is when my fall from grace came big style. So we don’t let you down we do exactly what you want to allow you to strip us of all we hold dear.
        It’s a game you never intend anyone to win.

        I’ll save you you’re rely to HG I’m sure it would be

        ‘It was ever thus ‘

      2. MLA - Clarece says:

        Obviously the affection is different when you clearly state your affection is with the masterpiece of your “plan”… not the person. All of us here have real love and affection attached to the Narc. This affection is less when we’re speaking apples and oranges. Is it fair to say when you have stated in numerous other blogs and books, the only emotions you feel are hate, envy, and jealousy, that the beast inside you forces you to project actions on the victim in order to bring these feelings out so you can identify, relate and connect with them? That could explain the dance of repeated hoovering, love-bombing, devalue, discard and then repeat?
        I stumbled upon a quote the other day I will share with you, ” The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our ego’s and live in another’s world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self kind of understanding.” Bill Bullard

        1. malignnarc says:

          Duly noted. You know, at first I used to wonder if your love and affection could actually be real since it has been based on an illusion. I soon saw in the reactions of those whose love was rejected and twisted that it was. I found this fascinating. The ability to create something real based on something false. Your summation concerning the beast is pretty accurate, yes. Interesting quote and not something I can do however. I am a fan of the motto of the SAS though ” Who Dares Wins”. I also like the maxim superbia in proelia.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            If you agree that my summation on the beast is correct, you exposing your fury to a victim through whatever tools of choice is to finally test their love to you. Of course our love is real, which is why you are able to create the same scenario over and over. Every human wants to connect on some level and that beast is trying so hard to let crack the vault to a new emotion. The question is , is there an Empath out there that can temper your fury?

          2. malignnarc says:

            Care to try?

  21. Nikita says:

    I do know exactly what being in this shell feels like… and its true… Silence was consenting but what else can you do when such sentences are like a blow and its like the air is taken out of you and yes the only thing you feel are the tears swelling… Its all about power and control I can see it clearly. But even when you love somebody with all your heart this power and control starts not being effective when you feel the pain, accept it, find the beauty in yourself and decide to turn to the page to something less painful.
    Its better to have a one time deep cutting pain that hopefully somewhen will go away,
    Rather than one that lasts forever and never goes away.

    1. Freedom says:

      Well said Nikita 😊

  22. Freedom says:

    This is where my ex went wrong to, he took my silence as consent to. However it was the opposite the more silent I was the less I could be bothered and was starting to just think he was a knob. Although he usually redeemed himself just in the nick of time. I feel the last silent treatment I didn’t do as be had expected I just told him this is your problem leaving it in your court you know where I am I’ve had enough. The payback was he got married to someone else.
    Hopefully one day she’ll come to her senses.

    Doesn’t mean I wasn’t devastated thoughπŸ˜”

  23. Sheila says:

    All credit to you, dear HG. I would not presume to share without acknowledging the author. πŸ™‚

    1. malignnarc says:

      I am obliged.

  24. Sheila says:

    Truly devious and insanely educational. A technique I’ve tried to explain and not quite as thoroughly and concise as you have. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve shared your blog with one of my therapists.

    1. malignnarc says:

      Thank you Sheila. Feel free to share as you see fit, so long as there is credit given where it is due of course.

  25. And there you go. For years, Loser mistook my silence for consent. What a surprise when he witnessed me stand up and roar (while watching his fuel slowly being devoured by me.)

  26. V says:

    This is so sadistic Hg. I mean really bad. I don’t think ALL narcissists use this the way you do in my studies. Mine DID , a lot, and I found that’s what set him aside from others. He used it sadisticly and as a schedule it seems.
    I always suspected his motive was truly sadistic.
    BTW, he emailed me yesterday just to blame me for being wrong about the other woman, just to tell me how badly I need help.
    I’m pretty sure she left when I did.

    1. πŸ‘Š

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