Bowled Over

I can see you from afar. You are sleek with those elegant curves in just the right places. You stand proud and you stand out, noticeable amidst the blandness that surrounds you but has nothing to do with you. You are poised and balanced, one would even go so far as to describe you as statuesque. You do not sway or hop from one foot to another. Not you.You are serene and magnificent as you survey all before you. It is no coincidence that you stand before me. It is as if you have been placed there in readiness for my entrance. You stand at the head of the crowd, noble and alluring. You probably have no idea just how compelling you are to me. You are calling out to me, reaching for me, begging for me to come towards you. I am some distance from you and you may not yet have noticed me but you will. I am able to appraise you from my position of observation, weighing you up and evaluating you. I can feel my eagerness rising and I must check myself to avoid making a schoolboy error and rush into my approach. To do so at this stage would mean missing my prize entirely. I would end up in the gutter and I would slowly slip past you, probably not even drawing a contemptuous glance from your lofty perch. My how I admire you, stood there exposed but confident. You want the world to see you. This desire for recognition is not brash though,for you are no peacock, no, that is not what you are. You want recognition for your fortitude, your willingness to stand at the front and be counted. That is what matters to you.

I take one last lingering look at you and ready my approach. It all turns on the preparation. I have carefully scrutinised you so I can ascertain the best way to come at you so I have the maximum effect. I have evaluated all the conditions and considered that I must head towards you with the maximum of speed to have the greatest effectiveness. I begin my approach and then I am speeding towards you. It is now that you notice me and you cannot help but admire what you see. Polished and smooth are the first words that spring to mind as you watch entranced. I seem to grow in stature as I come closer and closer. I am headed straight for you without distraction or deviation. My preparation has paid off once more for my path towards you is direct and without obstacle. I am gathering pace, a whirling, shining and mesmerising medley of bright colour, sparkles glinting amidst my bold plumage. I come with a roaring purr that increases as I race into your space and then I have arrived.

My first touch is devastating as I plough straight into you.I have driven myself right into you without hesitation or restraint. Our contact is perfect and the effect is instantaneous. I send you upwards in a dizzying collision of my world as it completely subsumes yours. I keep on as you sail upwards, hurled heavenwards and floating on a strange and sudden elation. You spin and twist, your ears filled with the sound of my arrival and our contact and it is breath taking as you are bowled over by me. You have never experienced anything like this, it is exceptional, it is exciting and it is exhilarating. But what is this? The elation has been wrenched away and now you are falling. Panic grips you. You do not like this sensation. Everything seemed so wonderful, so bright, loud and gleaming but where have I gone? You twist and spiral trying to catch a glimpse of me but I have vanished from view. Confusion washes over you as you continue to fall. You had not realised just how high you had flown but this descent seems to be going on for far too long and then you hit the ground. Hard. You roll to one side and it is then as you are trying to make sense of so much that you see what lies behind you.  You try and grasp at some semblance of understanding to explain why you rose so high but then fell so hard. As you try and fathom out where I have gone as you landed with such force on the hard, unyielding ground you see the destruction. Those other edifices that you had arranged which are symbolic of all those matters which you hold dear, lie strewn about you. Your self-esteem, your possessions, your looks, your dreams and your finances. They have all been knocked down. You see your friends hurled far from you, slowly rolling over into some abyss in the distance, gone and never to be seen again. Your family lies discarded, cast asunder by my thunderous entrance. You lie there staring at the collapsed pillars of your world as something nudges you and you are being pushed towards that distant abyss. You try to fight against the movement but it useless. It is almost as if you have been designed, created and fashioned to be moved in this way, manipulated towards the chasm that awaits. Still stunned you look up and see someone like you but it is not you. They are being put in place where you once stood. Who are they and what are they doing as they are lined up in your rightful place? You see no more as you feel yourself tipped over the edge and you fall into the darkness.

Time has passed. You are not sure just how long since everything no longer makes any sense. You have been shrouded in darkness, jostled and moved but none of it was of your making. You have seen nothing of me although the memory of our brief time togther has been seared across your mind. It was scintillating, a blur of colour, light and noise and you long for it to return just so you can escape this all consuming darkness.Your control has been stripped from you and you feel like you are being shunted along by a separate force which you do not understand. But wait, what is this? There is a light in the darkness. It is golden and warm and relief begins to flood through you as you realise that you are being lowered into your nearly forgotten place at the forefront again. Yes, you remember this, this is where you belong. You do not remember picking yourself up, perhaps that mysterious force has done so. Just as you feel a sense of familiarity  you see me once again and that surge of hope and expectation rises. I have returned. You had almost forgotten how smooth and sleek I was, how bright I shine and how quickly I move with a gliding grace and a mesmerising appeal. You stand waiting as I hurtle towards you as you will me to bowl into your life once more. This time you will be ready. This time you will avoid the drop and the dark chasm. This time will be different.

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16 thoughts on “Bowled Over”

  1. The cycle will continue as long as it’s allowed..he was so beautiful, and so charming. When I was discarded, it felt like my soul was dying…but I went “no contact”. It was the only way. I cried myself to sleep nightly, wondering my he didn’t love me..but the cold reality was that he never did. Ever.

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    1. Randy
      I have cried myself to sleep many times too and I have never been discarded.. I wish I would have had the wisdom to leave before….
      I believe neither the discard nor staying until you cant stay anymore are less painful one compared to the other. The one who stayed until all was broken desires to have been discarded before… but maybe the one that was discarded does not realize she has saved herself from extra pain.. The ego has to be reduced in this case.. Its my own humble belief 😃… And it goes also for Freedom..
      Youre going to make it ok girl!!! Xxx😃

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    2. I also find myself wondering too he pursued me so hard, he wanted me so bad. All those things about me that he loved in the end he hated. When did he start hating me what did I do to cause him to hate me all I did was give him all of me true, honest, faithful, monogamous love like a wife is supposed to. I just keep wondering when and why.

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      1. Joiceelizabeth and timewasted
        Your stories are so familiar they could be mine. 😓

        Nikita I hope you’re right and I do make it as some days I think I’m drowning xx

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      2. time heals indeed and there is a time for mourning where places like this blog help, But after that its only in your hands Freedom not to drown…
        There are many many spiritual books on letting go ( not forgiving as you are not ready for this). look for one that suits you….

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      3. Thanks Nikita going to take one day at a time.
        You’re right I’ll never forgive him he doesn’t deserve my forgiveness I just need to learn to move on with my life.

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  2. This time IS different.. this time I picked myself up, put my own pieces together and have the understanding that everything you gave me was illusion picked from my own thoughts, words and actions.

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  3. Very well written HG.
    Randy Mcpeek I know those feelings all to well, I’m still there.
    Sheila I’m trying to put myself back together xxx

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  4. I saw him , he was there . It was so subtle . Edged his way into my life I didn’t even see it .. Then leached off me , until there was nothing left .. Wishing you so much luck freedom , but it’s never about Luck , it’s about having enough strength ” emotionally to leave ”

    The bruises heal , broken things can be replaced but no one can prepare even the strongest person in the world for the emotional car crash narcs leave (( Hugs )) x

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  5. Fascinating and compelling is what you are HG and Special very special… You know that… Never forget that you are special.
    Magnificent writting also. Every single one of your postings… “A gift from God” … She was right.
    I want to believe that If I take the adequate time and actions… When the time comes to bowl into… it will be different. It has to be 😃
    Have a good sleep…

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  6. Thanks So Sad,
    I don’t need to leave as such, he discarded me and he married 14 weeks post discard to an Indian business woman over in India where he’s working on a secondment for another 2 yrs. I went from being the person he was going to marry and plans we’d made when he’d been home, to being a nothing and not even existing. A total discard and I keep struggling with my emotions. I just have to fight on. Thank you so much for the hug really needed one today. Sending one right back. X

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    1. Freedom 😓😓😓 … Sending you a hug from here too…
      I try to put myself in your shoes to give you some words that might help you….
      Try to rationalize it somehow if forgiving is not possible for you… Think that he lost , not you…
      I mean who marries somebody within 14 weeks????
      Im sure you are the lucky girl behind all this pain… Not him and certainly not his wife
      Again another hug

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      1. Thanks Nikita
        The support from you all helps everyday and H G blogs and books are helping my mind rationalise the situation suppose its the old cliche time is a great healer.
        I’m guessing if not certain he’s portrayed he’d only just met her to his son and parents and was provably in his narcissistic dance with her long before. The max he could have known her is 1 yr and that’s if he met her as soon as he arrived in India and stood down from the plane.
        I’ll never know if she’s happy or the same as me I just have to salvage what’s left of me.
        Thank you Nikita for thinking of me big hugs from the me xx

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  7. I know the feeling, Randy.
    He has left me and came back so many times.
    When he drew me back this last time before he vanished, he was the most affectionate and attentive I had ever seen him. One day, he walked out my door and simply never contacted me again. That was 7 months ago. He had been in and out of my life for many years.
    NO MORE!

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