Revenge

I know you hate me. Your kind are filled with love and then filled with hate. There is no need to deny it. It is a normal reaction for someone like you and one which I entirely endorse and encourage. I know you will try and mask that burning anger that you feel by saying you pity me or that you have nothing but contempt for me but I can see it. Those sensational eyes of yours that once blazed with desire, passion and most of all hope, are now filled with the churning, billowing flames of hatred. Some of you will fight to contain this sensation. You fear that by giving in to this hatred that you will somehow be on a level with me. I can ease your fears in that regard. You are nowhere near my level and nor were you. I placed you far higher than me to begin with. Yes it was artificial and all part of my design but you had no complaint then did you? You did not object or demur when I thrust you skywards and planted you no that pedestal. Of course you did not. Who would? Nobody would and least of all somebody like you. Now you are on your true level, way down below me, cast onto stony ground, broken and shattered. Amazing though isn’t it how you managed to summon such an anger from somewhere. How many times had you said to your confidantes that you felt numb (yes they were reporting back to me). Yet now look at you. A seething, glowering fireball of hatred and it is all directed at me. I adore this.

You want to destroy me. I know you do. You all do. The one before you was exactly the same as the one before was and the one before her. The next one will be just the same,although I do still hold out some hope that she might just be different and somehow avoid the mistakes all those who have gone before have made. I have seen this hatred many times and your desire for revenge is strong. Of course it is. I made it this way. Everything I did as I brought you down low was programmed to cause you to eventually explode into hatred. From elation to despair, through broken to numb. Eventually the switch would be flicked and as puppet master I ignite the fire beneath you which stokes the flames of hatred. Despise me, go on, do it. Send those wicked words towards me. Tell me what a bastard I am. Keep it coming. Pull you hair, wave your fist and stamp your feet. Tell me how you are going to scratch my car. Feels good does it not? Believe me, it feels even better being on the receiving end of your bile and hate. Go on, sit with your friends and plot your revenge, I can feel you all huddled around your cauldron as you try and concoct ways at getting back at me. I feel so powerful knowing you are focussed on seeking retribution. This is what I want. I want to bask in the heat of your anger, I want to be covered in the disgust and distaste that you will spew towards me. I want you scheming, hatching and planning. By hurting you do deeply I plant inside you that overwhelming desire to get even with me. It happens every time and is all part of my master plan to ensure you, my beautiful appliance keep pouring fuel in my direction. I make you seek revenge for in doing so, your planning and ham-fisted execution of the same give me what I want. Fuel. You are blinded with your hatred so that you fail to realise you will not succeed in gaining revenge, not by shouting, spitting and scratching. Oh no, this overload of howling anger is just a banshee of fuel to me. I will twist and shift as I thwart your attempts, laughing at your pathetic efforts to try and get one over on me. This will spur you on as I lead you on yet another merry dance as I continue to take from you exactly what I need. So please, seek your revenge. You will not get it but I will be delighted seeing you try.

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73 thoughts on “Revenge”

  1. I loved reading this post this morning HG and it’s making me feel quite pleased with myself that I never behaved in that manner.

    The N (when I saw him) after I’d gone NC would often say to me, ‘you really hate me don’t you’, I would tell him that I would never hate him and what would even make him think that I would ?

    So from your post seeing how much he would have revelled in it, makes me feel pleased that he didn’t get that fuel from me.

    But it was also genuine, I don’t hate him at all.

    I think perhaps many other life lessons have taught me that it takes far too much energy to be angry about something.

    But I really enjoyed this one HG. Thank you.

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    1. You are welcome Alexis, thanks for letting me know. You are right, we want you to hate us so we can get fuel and given the way we behave it is inevitable that hate will manifest in some form. You did well to resist.

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      1. Indeed a relationship in the mode of a Narcissist starts with some many dreams, illusions, plans, happiness that the sudden change towards negative and pain does create feelings of frustration, fear, anger, hate and its execution the so destructive revenge.
        In my opinion and as I discussed it with a working colleague married to a BPD lady, love turns into anger and even stronger into hate as a way of protection because its easier to go through silent hate than through excruciating pain, but in my opinion when there is revenge, there was no love anymore. I would say if you stay with somebody where you end up hurting just with the purpose of taking revenge, the love was lost long time ago and the reasons why the people remained together was for long not love anymore.
        The result is a revenge with the purpose to destroy to the other and from love to that there is more than one step.

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    2. Guess I did the same thing you did! Told him I hope he finally met the right women for him and was happy he finally found someone he could love and be happy with because he deserved to be happy! Bet that really made him mad! Sad thing is that I really meant it!!!

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      1. Nice one !! Yup, because of my ones ‘illness’, I told him we should finish and he should be with his wife. I meant it too.

        And since then he repeatedly tried to suck me in so he could try and discard me. But he never did.

        I bet saying that really made yours mad foolme1. I didn’t even realise at the time it would have made mine mad. Because I didn’t know we were playing a game ?

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      1. He’s very proud of you HG a chip off the old block.

        Alexis I failed I messaged with anger but because he wouldn’t sort out anything his stuff he had stored here and what was happening with his dog I was caring for whilst he was working away. I did what he wanted again 😔but now I don’t message him at all.
        Well done you though Alexis for being so strong it must have really pissed him off nit getting the desired response.

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      2. I first read that HG and thought you meant your biological dad. Then I read freedom’s comment. But it intrigues me though, does it mean anything to you for your parents to be proud of you ?

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    1. Freedom, you didn’t fail at all so don’t be hard on yourself. We can’t know that people purposely behave like this, why would we ?

      My relationship was very short lived, so it was totally different. The only reason I stayed for as long as I did was because of his, ‘illness’.

      I learned very early on in life that if it doesn’t taste nice, don’t drink it.

      So I’ve always been quick to discard and move on. that said, this was the only time I’ve found it hard, more than hard, all consuming. They’re powerfully addictive. Like the human form of heroin.

      Just be proud of where you are, and know that you’re stronger and wiser now than ever before.

      If you can, try and learn not to hate. You will feel so much better for it and have far more energy.

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      1. Hi alexis

        I’m not sure if the feelings I have towards him are hate or whether its sheer hurt that he could be this sort of person. My ex husband beat me and was an alcoholic. I didn’t hate him either just glad I was no longer a punch bag but I think that relationship was different as it had reached its natural end with me. The one with my ex narc was a bolt from the blue a complete about turn my world thrown upside down. I suppose its rejection and him moving on to marriage that’s crippling me really.
        I remember my ex narc asking me once why I didn’t hate my ex husband and I said I don’t hate it’s not in my nature. His reply was I know you’re a good kindhearted person that’s what I love about you.

        My issue still even after all my reading an research is why her ?
        I keep answering my own question but my heart just won’t except it.

        I’m reading one of HGs books at the min and he says to get rid of everything your narc has bought you don’t go to the same places as he will be looking to see if you are returning to fav spots. But this hurts me more as these are places I loved before my ex narc and I feel if I stop going of give up the things I love he’s won there to.

        Just confused xx

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      2. Freedom, you need to establish the status of these favourite places. Are they places you love and where you spent time with him? Or are they places you love, he knows about them but you never went to them together. If it is the former, you need to sever the connection or you will not move on. It may hurt to sever your connections with these favourite places Freedom but if you do not the hurt will continue for far longer for you because you will keep connecting with him in your mind by returning to these places. You might try and record new memories at these places in the same way one used to record a new film over an old one on a video cassette, but achieving that is tough. You would need something new to bring to these places – a new friend, a new partner etc – as just returning along will just bring about you being haunted by the time you spent there with him.
        If it is the case that you and he did not go to these places together and it is the case he knows about them and thus could appear at them to hoover you, you need to take a break from them and after a period of time (probably several months at least) if he has stayed away from you, you will be feeling stronger. You will have processed a lot of the emotion out of your system (something from your posts it is very clear you are struggling to do now) and therefore if he happened to appear you will be better prepared to evade him and also the brief interactionwill cause a connection but you will be better able to deal with it. If you went to these places now and he turned up you would struggle to evade him and the connection would be too powerful for you and would plunge you back into repeated thoughts about him. By taking a break from them, avoiding the risk of seeing him there and becoming stronger you will be able to return to these places in time. As I wrote, if you shared these places together though you are better off cutting them adrift. You may feel like he was won that battle but what about winning the war?

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      3. Hi HG

        They are places I’d wanted to visit and loved and we went together only because we were an item. I have friends to go with and they said they will help me make new memories.
        I’m a creature of habit and he knows that my biggest fear is he will make an appearance at my house wanting to see his dog which he left me taking care of.

        All I can hole is he’s happy or happy in your way with his wife for now and will leave me alone till I’m stronger.

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      4. Sell the dog. You need to minimise any chance that you will come within his sphere of influence. He probably will be preoccupied with his wife at present. He will hoover you at some point. When that will be can be influenced by you – give him the opportunity to do so and he will take it. If you do not, you will buy yourself time so that when it does happen you will be stronger and better equipped to deal with it.

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      5. I won’t sell her as I have come to the conclusion she was just another fad with him and had become bored with her to as she didn’t respond as he dictated on his return home like the prodigal son.
        She was discarded like me so we are going to stick together. I have reached the point where I love her and will protect her from him.

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      6. I’m aware of that HG. But I get the enjoyment and unconditional love from her. As you say we feel differently he has no feelings and I do.
        I now look at the fact he’d no interest in her at all either.

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      7. I’m not to sure about his intent to Hoover. From what I can gather once he decides a relationship is to be discarded he doesn’t return, he only moves forward to ‘ new’ prey not old prey. He’s never revisited but then again he’d never been successful in getting anyone to marry him before. Suppose I should be flattered as the emotions he took from me has enabled him to snare the next.

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      8. I totally understand but have to agree with HG though. It’s important to completely delete every part of him from your life. I was NC for about 6 weeks, for me that was enough. But I had to get away. I needed that time. He has no effect on me now whatsoever. But like I say, my relationship with him was short lived, I also had no intention at all of moving in with him etc even though he was ‘planning’ or trying to convince me they were his plans. So there was a huge part of me that was holding back the whole time anyway.

        I cannot at all imagine what it must have been like for you, to have planned your life with this person. It must have been awful. I’d never felt any pain like this, but thankfully I get over things quite quickly. Plus as I say I hadn’t fully bought into it.

        I don’t think that you should give up the things you love but take a long break from them until you’ve built yourself up again and when you’re ready to go back into it, take it one step at a time.

        Try not to think about it as in losing things you used to love, but finding something new to love. Just focus on the positive aspects of your new life xx

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  2. I never hate anybody neither, that fuel wont come from me… But an ocean of tears imstead 😓… Maybe it would be easier to feel hate… At least less painful.

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  3. I never gave him hate and he never saw angry… I went crazy in my journals though..😉 ” Never let them see you sweat.”

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    1. Ah then you landed a blow there Sari by denying him the satisfaction of seeing your anger and hatred. Those journals must be giving off some heat I will wager!

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      1. The journals are burning through my IPad! Ha…. Honestly, when I go back and read through the past year, I can not believe my anger, my rage, and my grief… They are hard to read but I can see how far I’ve come and that helps… Writing in a journal was so beneficial to me and truly helped in the healing process ….

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  4. My narc wanted that revenge fuel from his ex, he even wanted to inflict more hurt onto her when he first got with me. I initially thought he just wanted to torture her because I THOUGHT she was psychotic… I still did not encourage his behavior and in fact persuaded him to leave the past exactly where it belonged. What he did when I was not around is beyond me BUT I am proud to say that I don’t need revenge and never have. I love to move forward in life…going backwards only puts you behind. You leave your are history to me…. I might even forget you existed. Ask most of my exs, they’ll all tell you I don’t move backwards! 🙂

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  5. I got caught up in revenge when I first made the break from my ex- husband N. It was destructive in so many ways with repercussions that lasted several years. Not worth it. Ever. to seek revenge against them. It’s a game they excel at and feeds them massive fuel.

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  6. HG I neither despise, nor pity your kind. We are each what we were created to be through circumstances in childhood. I accept that your kind don’t want to address and learn to heal from your past. I also accept that there is nothing I can say or do that will bring realization to your kind that change is necessary. All I can do is protect myself by walking away with no thoughts of malice or ill-will. Live and learn and apply the lessons to avoid the snare of another N.

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  7. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing me angry.
    I plan to move on with my life and be happy.
    Now, to deal with all the things he has left stored in my garage space.
    Why do they leave there belongings behind and disappear?
    He never ended the relationship, he just ghosted me.

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      1. Really?? So this is why there is something from him all over my place. My room, living room, kitchen even cellar…
        But wront trick … It does not make me come to him again, although yes it makes me think about him all the time and I took it like part of the mourn….
        New discovery here that it was a subliminal message.

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  8. HG,
    Does most of your best fuel come from women? What does a woman’s presence in your life( girlfriend) mean to you?
    I cannot help but think, deep down you hate women and seek to degrade them.
    Than you

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    1. Yes it does because the fuel that comes from an intimate partner is the best type of fuel. Since I am heterosexual then women provide the best fuel for me. What does a woman’s presence in my life meant to me? Fuel.

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      1. My ex N always acted as though he had no respect for women and was of the demeanor that we were all too emotional, demanding and too much work. Yet, he seems to go through great lengths to make sure he’s always got one around. It seemed like a love hate deal to me.
        I felt he was a raging misogynist.
        You don’t seem to me to be much of a misogynist.

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      2. Like which weakness that comes with emotions??? This is too ambigous… Can you detail please?

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  9. It gets a bit confusing here… But exploding in anger is definetly being emotional isnt it?? You do so right?? Or do you just mean crying and being hurt??
    And I woud think that doing things to create negative reactions is also a coverted way of being emotional…
    For example I am late and this makes you angry and them you make several critical comments on me?? And then I end up sad or hurt… Is this all not on being emotional?? Both of us??
    I would say not being emotional would be to tell me Im dissapointed that youre late, most of the time 😡 o please expect this to change … And lets enjoy the rest of the day together..
    Or what do you think??

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    1. If you turn up late I am not angry. I am furious. This is because you have criticised me. You have told me that my time is not worth respecting because you have arrived late. I will then subject you to silence (cold fury) or lash out (explosive fury) in order to make you cry, express remorse, beg and so on. Your emotional reaction then gives me fuel. I need this even though I despise the fact you are weak by being emotional This is the hypocrisy for which we are known but there it is. I also then hate myself for being with someone so weak so I lash out even more to make me feel powerful again.

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      1. This always gets me, I’ve said it before my ex used to make a right song and dance. But perfectly acceptable to not even be out of bed when I arrived ‘on time’ To pick him up. If you want someone ‘ not emotional ‘ as you see it as weak why not get someone who has no emotions then they’re not weak !
        Oh I forgot you need reaction for fuel !!!
        Really it is mental I’d hate to be a narc.

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      2. Thanks … Its clearer … Good word in this case the hypocrisy.
        So to meet you better be 30 min earlier…
        After reading fury two times I would not like to be on the receiving end of your fury…
        i had to learn to punctual because Im latin and latins we are usually late. But latin Narcs dokt get furios if someone is late because its not on their mindset or expectations. Im my country people are rarely on time 😝😝…
        Im in Switzerland now for many years….
        So if ever ill be there 30 min before 😜

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      3. A question for HG if punctuality is the politeness of kings and NARC’s generally think that’s social level ( devine right) why then say in the instance of my ex it was acceptable to him anyway to do as he pleased ?
        If you want to be treated like a king act like one.

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      4. It was an observation that’s all HG don’t get your knickers in a twist 😊
        Also I see you are being lyrical with your aunt that a kick in the head 😊

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      5. Okay, I completely understand that you work on a different realm, if you will, than we do BUT you confuse me. You are very well aware of the mechanics of your kind to “survive” but yet you cannot modify the way you receive the fuel so that you are not striking those down who do in fact “love you”. I have read fuel and your blogs but isn’t there a way to get what you want and let just one woman love you? You say it is impossible but really being aware of yourself, how you react and what you need to survive, everything is possible it is just a matter of how much you desire that one thing. You are able to hold on for awhile… is it just that you get bored easily?

        I am just trying to wrap my head and heart around the fact that even “fake love” feels like a love that will not last forever…. but isn’t this the case with non-narcs as well? People get bored and move on because they just grow apart or go on different paths…

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      6. If only it were that simple. The problem is that if you maintained a fulsome supply of high quality fuel I would have no need to shift to the negative fuel. I would have no need to seek it from other sources but the problem is you let me down. You do not produce the quantity of positive fuel you once did. You do not provide it to the standard you once did. You do this. Not me. Thus I have no option but to seek it elsewhere and/or shift to the negative fuel.

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      1. You answered earlier above that making your parents proud and getting their approval was something you tried to achieve. Did one or both (mainly mom) have exceedingly high expectations that could never possibly be lived up to by a child? If you looked to her for comfort did she make you feel like you were being weak and pestering her? Is the creature really the broken child? It would appear that someone not reacting to you trying to stimulate negative fuel from them would have the same affect as an overbearing parent making you feel unworthy. By making your intimate partner seem weak (like a young child looking for solace and understanding) you get to act out again and again what was done to you?

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      2. H.G., since you have not answered directly on this sensitive subject, can you answer indirectly if Dr. E & Dr. O have a theory if the creature is the broken child feeling rejected by it’s mother?
        I also have another question relating your dating life. Now that you’re in the 40-50 age group (I’m assuming), how do you handle dating single moms? If you come across a very healthy mother / child relationship with the right balance of love, support, and guidance, does it provoke your fury because you know you missed out on that?

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      3. Clarece, if they have that as a theory they have not yet conveyed it to me. Single mums are an inviting target. I am not interested in their relationship with their children and even if I was I would have little idea as to whether they had got the balance right, so there is no ignition of fury.

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  10. Our ability to feel emotions make us human, not weak. Narcs need the emotional reactions of others because they presently lack the ability to feel their own, which are covered in thick scar tissue from childhood woundings. You despise it because you desire it, yet cannot obtain it. Like the Star Trek android Data, you see yourself as lacking an emotion chip which others possess. It is there…but currently broken and non-functioning. Stay the course. Determine to overcome your emotional vampirism and be your own supply.

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      1. HG,
        First thank you for this blog and all your books. I’ve now read them all.
        You are something else, and I mean that in several ways..but what is evident in a most positive light is you are truly a wonderful, brilliant, creative and superb writer. You mind is incredible…. Again several reasons for that statement.
        Tell me, does your kind not live often in a sort of fantasy land? My experience is the N has low capacity to deal with real life relationship stuff or problems other wise in life.
        Every day seems to be his struggle to create the perfect illusion, perfect day, perfect everything. You would think he was a peaceful man except for all those rages, temper tantrums, hatred towards ignorant people and inability to NOT create drama some how.
        He seems so unrealistic, immature and off the cuff to me.
        What do you think?

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      2. Hello V,
        Thank you for your kind words they are naturally appreciated. If you haven’t already done so I would be grateful if you would post reviews since you have found the books informative and of use to you. Yes we do. I have learned through my work with the good doctors that we exist in a different reality to you. That is why we do not see the things you do. That is why our behaviour seems so illogical and bizarre to you yet it makes perfect sense to us. I know that one of the hardest things non-narcs have is understanding how anyone can be as we are when the “facts” show something else. The reality (to us) is that those facts mean something different to us that they do to you. The simplest way to describe it is that you may point to a tin of paint and tell me it is yellow. In my world your “yellow” is actually your “Red”. Same tin of paint but two entirely different views. We do not “do” responsibility because we have no sense of remorse, responsibility or accountability. If something goes wrong it is never our fault, it is yours so you deal with it. The way we regard the world (and we have to look at this way because of the way we are) means we see everything as an attack and a criticism. As I posted earlier, you turn up late, that is seen by us as a criticism because you are showing that our time is not valuable. I know from my discussions that you may realise delays happen or at worst regard it as discourteous, but to us it is a huge sleight against us. As you know from what I have written in Fury this means our rage ignites in order to address the wounding criticism. We may withdraw, shield or lash out. Hence why your narc has these rages, temper tantrums and exhibits such hatred. We have a view of the way the world regards us and if something does not accord with that view then that criticise us and the fury ignites. We need to gather fuel, hence the need to provoke emotional responses and this invariably involves drama. That is why it is such a roller coaster existence. I sometimes think that low level narcs are often imbued with BPD at times because of the way they react. Us high lever types will ignite our fury but we know how to master a situation and seek to turn it to our advantage. Lower levels lack the cognitive function to do so to such a degree and if there is a comorbid BPD they just turn it in into a maelstrom of drama or as you wrote the reaction is unrealistic, immature and off the cuff. Seeing as you have exhausted my library you will be pleased to know that Beautiful and Barbaric will be available later this week, so that will give you some further food for thought. Thank you for reading and contributing to the blog. Of course it provides me with fuel, everyone recognises that, but I do enjoy the interaction with intelligent and articulate readers who are keen to further their own understanding and look beyond the fact that yes I am the devil!

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      3. A devil you are indeed. You are providing me with my fuel of your books and these blogs… So certainly I will take the time to write reviews, emotional as they will be ultimately as you are always enlightening me and striking a cord in your books. You are HG, the mad scientist, author. For me, it takes time to digest your mind. Loving language as I do, your writing floors me.
        I can only say I’m happy you found your way to writing as a career ( I hope for you) and that your rather interesting calling in life, led you to be our mothership in this field.

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      4. You look like an angel
        Walk like an angel
        Talk like an angel
        But I got wise
        You’re the devil in disguise

        Oh yes you are
        😨😨😨😨😨😨

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  11. You call yourself the devil, but I would call you my angel. I do not need to explain, as you are well aware of my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your story.

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