Disgust

You disgust me. How did I ever choose to be with you? How did not I not see what you really are? You conned me. There can be no other explanation for what has happened. You drew me in and promised me so much. You offered all that I needed and now you have revealed your true colours. Another chameleon. I would have thought that I would have become more adept at identifying you by now but I suspect that you came with leaden tongue which was draped in sugar as you sought to lure me into your despairing world. I cannot believe that you behaved in such a way and after everything that I have done for you. This is the method of your thanks is it? You are a disgusting person to behave in this way. Building up my hopes, thinking that after so long searching and hunting that I have finally located the one that would always give me what I need. The sole supply of my strength, the bearer of joy, the provider of sustenance and yet you promised all this and when it came to the moment of reckoning you failed to deliver. I should not berate myself for once again I have been fooled by someone who came with obscuring smoke and confusing mirrors. I am but a simple and straightforward person who offers only dedication and a perfect love. You knew this yet you lured me in with your false promises and empty words.

How did you think I would react to such perfidy? With a smile and a “oh it does not matter”? Of course not. You failed me and in the most offensive way possible. You have insulted me, me of all people. You have caused grave offence through your disgusting conduct and that was why you had to be punished. It is not good pleading for clemency. You held a position of trust and you abused that trust in a foul manner. You were given complete and utter access to my inner being and you achieved this through manipulation and fraud. Your punishment accordingly must match this heinous crime. Look at you, snivelling and begging, the crocodile tears spilling down your face as you plead for leniency and another chance. How many chances must I give you? You have failed me so many times and you have taken advantage of my most generous nature. You disgust me. So weak and so pathetic. You thought you could break me but you could not. You thought that you could outwit and outflank me. Not a chance. You thought you could do as you pleased but I have found you out and for that you shall receive your comeuppance. Get up and have some dignity. By heaven, I cannot stand it when you behave like this. Your weakness offends me. I can smell the putrid stench of your pathetic vulnerability now that I have pierced that fraudster’s veil. The offensive odour is all pervasive and I want to vomit such is the disgusting sensation that arises from it. Get out of my sight, you turn my stomach. How did I ever think that you would be the solution? I must have taken leave of my senses but then in a way I did. You made me believe in something that was not real. You duped me. Me, me of all people, someone of my brilliance and intellect, taken in by the sleight of hand of a trickster. I cannot stand this association with something so vile as you. I despite you but I also despise myself for having ever chosen you. You promised me everything and I fell for it. I thought I knew better. I thought I had it all worked out, the path forward and the road to infinite excellence but you were waiting around the bend again weren’t you, you despicable bastard. You ambushed me and just as I thought everything was right, correct and well, you sought to topple me with your clandestine behaviours. Your deceit run through you like a disease and you are riddled with it. Do you see how it causes your features to twist in some sick parody of what you are? The vitriol and the malice age you. It is bound to be the case for nobody can such sick sin for too long. I suppose that is why you try and conceal it isn’t it? Your leering sick grin cannot be looked upon for it will reveal all your other warped features, the grimacing evil that stems from being such a disgusting creature as you are. I cannot stand to look upon you, I cannot bear to hear your screeching and pitiful voice which makes me shudder when I think how often I desired to hear it. Oh what a fool I have been to have been taken in by your promises. You have misled me over and over again. How could you behave in such a manner? Are you not disgusted with yourself? You ought to be. I can feel the bile rising in my throat as I contemplate what you have done to me and now as I see you for what you truly are. Leave! Be gone! I have no desire to have you in my eye any longer. My disgust overwhelms me and I must escape your presence. I said for you to go. Why do you remain staring at me and mocking me with those hooded eyes? Is there not end to your torturous ways? Stop looking at me. Stop it, I demand it. Perhaps if I shut my eyes and yes, you have gone. Ha, I am not finished yet. I have dispelled you but even as I keep my eyes shut tight I know that when I open them again you will have returned because I can never escape you can I?

 

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143 thoughts on “Disgust”

  1. One word, SORRY…shouldn’t it be bitch, not bastard 😛 I take it it is written from your point of view…surely an empath would never use such heinous and defiling words? We are all disappointed in someone in our lives, it is par for the course…..if we exist, then we face disappointments, as we also can reap much benefits.
    We need to let go of the anger that controls us, to become truly free. They deceived me, but I have no wrath for them. Doing so, only serves to create a hostile environment within myself. They will never feel my anger, but I will immensely.
    Hate is a wasted emotion.

    Excellent entry HG. I am glad my worth is never calculated on how someone else perceives me, feels threatened by me or in the burning fires of their own detesting.

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    1. I have come to learn that my biggest obstacle to Healing is when I allow my self worth to be measured by someone else’s behavior. I wish I could honestly say that I never internalize the rotten slime that he threw at and left in me …I do, though this is where the focus of my therapy has been, and it is slowly shifting (although others in my life say my transformation is astounding). I know this broken part of me is what made me so vulnerable to his poisonius “love” to begin with.

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      1. I will say, my 2nd narc never said anything to hurt or harm my self esteem, he always held me in highest esteem, he only raged when I caught him in a lie or questioned him or when he felt shame. He rarely raged. It was mostly silent treatments and lies.
        The 1st one was an esteem destroyer, he never said anything nice, told me the only thing I was good for was sex….. and he only wanted that one way. I so relived he is long gone from my life, he did so many harmful and restrictive things to hurt me.
        Yes, but they can not destroy who we are at the core…. that is our revenge really.

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      2. Bethany, I do think being an empath is very noble. However, it leaves us wide open for narcs….
        I have been putting up walls with new dates and it feels very unnatural to me…
        All my first dates with narcs are like a jolt of electricity and instant attraction. Non narcs really seem boring to me…this is something I must work on….
        Bethany, it’s not your fault. I let every narc I loved blame shift me….thanks to HG….I now KNOW it wasn’t my fault. *hugs*

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  2. Looking in the mirror again HG? Talking to your self too! Smh. You should really talk to someone about this!!😜

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      1. So sorry to disappoint you! But you see we don’t belong together! I am to good for you! I am a real loving and caring women and I deserve someone who honestly appreciates me for who I am, not for who they think I am!! I can’t fix you! Only you can do that! You see if you truly would look deep into your self you would see what I initially seen, a beautiful, wonderful, caring and loving man who could be and do what ever he put his mine too!! I’m sorry that little boy is so frightened and scared and feels that he will never be good enough ! That is so very sad! I believe you truly are a magnificent person if only you truly believed it too!! Jana is so much prettier then Karra! I hope you feel a little better today as we all ride the emotional roller coaster together! A’ ho sister . And you to HG!😘

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  3. I believe that your beast is very skilled in manipulation as well. Such an insecure and scared beast it is to hurl such vitriol at you to make the walls a little more thick and secure.

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      1. Yes, I believe the violence is directed at someone who let him down, but every accusation that my narc threw out at me, was in fact, everything I saw him doing… He had to lie to try to fit me into his mold of filth.. I was watching the truth with my very eyes, and would not be held accountable to his vulgar accusations… It was everything he felt about himself and his actions, but he tried to turn me into the monster… Not gonna happen…

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      2. I think Hannah wrote it 🙂

        …..I certainly feel as if I wrote it….IDK if this is how they feel…to a degree because we all ‘disappoint’ (having a need)…good post, nonetheless

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      1. I’m obliged. I am available for birthdays, weddings and barmitzvahs of course the day will be about me and not you, but you knew that anyway.

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  4. HG, once again spot on! Exactly what his behavior, words, sentiments communicated to me when I had the audacity to finally end the relationship after so many failed attempts to do so. I’m pretty sure by that time he had another source of fuel, though he pretended to accept my decision in a somewhat humble way only to Hoover me with a birthday wish a few weeks later when I was dying inside and trying to get through severe withdrawal from his lack of attention. That Hoover broke my resolve to stay NC and I called him crying…not because I had changed my mind…but genuinely wanting him to know how very sad i was and that I loved him and so mistakenly turned to him for some sort of comfort, mutual reciprocity of shared sentiments. Instead, his response when receiving my call was utterly contemptuous..just as you communicate in this post. He was thouroughly disgusted with my tears and I could feel his purposeful withholding of what I wanted/needed from that exchange. Instead he mocked me and casually slipped in “maybe I have a girlfriend- she laughs at my jokes, she gets me”…a loud proclamation that I had been easily replaced …after four years of his undying professions of eternal love. He was unknowable in that call…the man I had known had completely vanished and all of my suspicions about his true nature crashed on me in one fell swoop.

    Why did he wish me a Hapoy Birthday HG? Was it a setup so I would call him so he could have the final say? I’ve always wondered…and always wished I would have maintained NC…for of course that exchange set in motion lots of subsequent negative fuel I foolishly held out to him while reeling with the awful truth that he never loved me, although he said he did when I confronted him …he said he loved me so much but we were just poison for each other. I can’t argue with that.

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    1. He wished you Happy Birthday for the following reasons :-
      1. It was not a happy birthday for you as you were devastated by the end of the relationship and he knew this.
      2. He wanted to check you were still responding to him.
      3. He wanted to ensure a day that was meant to be about you was actually going to be about him.
      4. He wanted to extract negative fuel from you.
      5. He wanted you to know he did not care about you, thus tenderising you further in the expectation of Hoovering you.
      6. He probably threw the words “she laughs at my jokes, she gets me” at you as words he had once praised you with and to triangulate you.

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      1. Thank you for the detailed explanation .HG. Makes perfect sense…except why why did he continue to say he did love me but we were just “poison” to each other when I pointed out that his post break up behavior was indicative of someone who had never loved me? If he wanted me to see that he never cared, why continue to I insist he did? He used the word in past tense…was that part of the blame shift? Was it meant to keep me confused? Why the goodbye…it was “special”?

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      2. 1. Maintain your confusion ;
        2. You are poison in his mind, he just said he was to make it sound good – poisonous together
        3. By saying he did love you he will keep you thinking and obsessing about the fact that there was love, you are a love devotee remember and therefore you will keep alive the hope that you might be loved again. He is keeping you primed for a hoover.

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    2. I understand that need and why you broke no contact, I am sorry for how it resulted though xxx he did it to make himself look like a good guy, look I even recalled your birthday, I chat be so bad, can I…bs ☹
      It is a move mine would do as well. He always liked to appear thoughtful in such things, esp when returning for. silent treatments.
      Big hugs , Bethany xx

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      1. Yes, my narc does it all the time.. He knows that I saw the mask slip yet he continues on as the beautiful, generous, gentleman… He hands my daughter wads of cash and tells her to ” take care of your mother?” ” Buy her a great dinner and some gifts !” I’m sure he wants a reaction and to seem like the nice guy, but it just reminds me of the crazy roller coaster… The circus with the violent clown…. Ouch…

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      2. It is all a facade for them, mi e said he keep people around I case they might be of use later, I didn’t know he meant fuel..I thought he meant for work etc….I said why do you hold on to people you don’t even care for or like, I said he was like a people hoarder 😉…yes, great description….violent clown at the circus.

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    3. Bethany my XN sent flowers anonymously last year for my birthday – he did it to pierce at me and of course for me to call him to see if it was him (There were only 2 options him or my Ex Husband)…soooo I believe he knew Id fall for the bait.

      – they love supply
      – they are sadists
      – they dont understand what pain feels like
      – pain is normalcy for them…….never contact him again so that he can understand abandonment…this is the only type of pain that might make him flinch..but then again, their pain is anger. Not sorrow like you or I may feel…

      <3

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    4. I did the same as you bethany , phoning crying , not realising i was giving fuel .
      HG , my ex said to me – i cant sit at home withering away thinking of you , i need someone in my life . I miss you and our life . I did love you but thats that im afraid .
      Would he be a lesser or mid narcissist ? I m surprised a narcissist would make such a statement .
      It worked though , i was a mess

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      1. Difficult to say on that comment alone. Presumably he said this after you had been discarded?
        I ma not surprised at the comment at all. It is laden with blame-shifting and is an entirely typical remark that we would make.

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  5. The beast in everywhere, in every one to some degree, we all have demons that need exorcising… shutting the beast in and closing out the light only serves to harm one further. Face him, then make him disappear slowly each time.

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  6. It can’t possibly compare to the disgust and horror we are feeling when we learn of the truth,and what we are dealing with… The horror of giving your heart and being intimate with a man,who was wearing a costume… Terrifying and debilitating…. All of our innermost thoughts and feelings, our heart and souls, ripped apart and laughed at… So mind blowing and most of us go back for more…

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  7. Amen Sari xxx they serve it to us and leave us to then eat alone, in the dark…. xxx I am avoiding relationships now to ensure that it wont happen….I am focusing on my child, my dad whom I care for and my work and my self , of course ❤

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      1. Or maybe it’s identical to what we are feeling? Is this the beast coming out? The disgust and horror is really what you are feeling about yourself? The beast is let out and choking you with the very truth?

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  8. Its just so sad to see how a love story turns into hurt and be hurt. 💔
    Hope you can also find some closure. You helped us find closure therefor I hope the same for you.

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      1. Yes Janaa I think the same. Its sad that because the narcissist has this different way of loving (inwards), its very difficult to reach happinnes.
        Emotional autism. Autists and everyone deserves to be happy. Makes me sad to think about it.

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      2. Wonderful analogy, Nikita….I agree, everyone deserves happiness, if they had it , even from inside, imagine how everyone would behave then and how happier the Collective would be ❤️

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  9. I could have written that myself – I probably said all of those things to my XN. Disgust was a word I used often. Conned. Fooled. Manipulated. I trusted you…..and you became the biggest disappointment Id ever known (with the exception of my Father) – so to the poster who said an Empath could never say that. I am an Empath…..and as we are sponges and mirrors…if we stay long enough we live through each others souls, which is why the duo last so long, dancing the most macabre and sado-masochistic dance we’ve ever known

    Comfortable discomfort.

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    1. I was the poster who stated such. I should clarify…I meant an empath such as myself. I am aware that empaths are varying emotional beings as I am as well. I have said things out of emotion I am ashamed of. But. I would never resort to utter spewing of hate towards another to prove a point or as a release of my own anger. Much of what was communicated wording wise In HG’s post was vile and abhorrent castigating. Not your typical empaths choice of verbal tongue lashing. Everyone is different and we all respond differently, I cast no dispersions on another for how they release their emotions. I assure you. I grew up with a narcissistic parent and had numerous relationships with them as well. The damage to our psyche is often irreversible.xx

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      1. Janaa that’s OK 🙂 I understand that we are all different. Considering I was married to a psychopath, and then lowered into the realm of a Socio/Malignant Narc, I think I just had enough of the submissive state and believing we are all inherently good. The reason for my cruelty was d/t the fact that I could not stand to hear another insult thrown at me.

        The NPD last was as HG would explain, the ‘Lower Type’ – he has hit women, exploited them, even told me I ‘saved him’ from slandering his ex so that she could ‘commit suicide’

        His words, his most irresponsible actions and his immoral behavior was something I saw, and really believed I thought could be mended….but it continued, and he continued and when I discovered NPD and blogged about it? lol What do you think he had in store for me?

        I don’t know what type of Narcissist Parents you were raised by, and any Narc isn’t the same Narc. I came from a Malignant one. And often I’ve wondered after this particular relationship if I became him. I am still kind to people (as a NPD could be) and still love (I think) but there are certain things people shouldnt say. In my case, I truly believe that because he was so very similar to my Father, it was as if I resurrected my Father to fight back and when I looked in the mirror at the horror of it all – the years of venom, lies, and betrayal AND I STAYED???? I killed my Father (metaphorically speaking)

        For years I pardoned and excused him. But because of the hatred that I saw I had to execute that part of my being, and cut all contact with him.

        A line from one of my favorite movies, the Life of Pi…

        “He was such an evil man. But worse still, he brought the evil out in me. I have to live with that.”

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      2. Thank you Susan for your reply and for explaining more as well to your own situation xx
        My first narc was the same hurling insults and fist at me…..in his attempt to discard me I got the ultimate discard of him through court and deportation and divorce.
        I understand what his are saying about hour situation and the relationship with your dad being a catalyst for your emotion and actions. I truly am not judging, I have no right to ….I know my way isn’t the best way or appraise as I am still not healed.
        One day at time for us all. We shall see the end of this road soon enough, I wish.
        I enjoy that book and film as well, Susan. Wonderful quote xx

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  10. My ex when in the early days I said I need a little space could we slow things a little, he replied, I knew you’d do this, I’d let my guard down let you into my heart and love you. Then here you are hurting me with a few words I knew you were too good to be true. What a joke eh that should be my speech surly after all he did.

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    1. Freedom dont feel bad. My X would need space every few years…meaning he found something exciting to do (or someone) would do his DAMNEST for me not to find out who she was….and come back.

      Never again. HG helped me more than any therapist so far (ok except my Psychiatrist who had to give me anti-anxiety meds when I would rage so badly over his BS I felt like putting my head through a wall)

      He found it amusing … sometimes said I needed help…I told him I needed help telling his mother she forgot to abort him but didnt have the heart since her baby was so precious….I hated him and loved him – and our words were so …. unnecessary… but I guess it was for him…it is for them…depending on if you are friend or foe…Targets are targets…Id love to know what hes with now…the runt of the litter…too much literature for someone not to get it at this age… I need to start an HG fan club. lol

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      1. You really said those things Susan? I dont know how much pain you had to say such a sentence that a mother forgot to abort her baby. Its even against your female nature. I have read lots of things since I started investigating what Narcissism was , but this sentence that you wrote there is I think by far the most horrible.
        I felt my heart stopping when I read this.
        I like HG very much, and I enjoy reading what he writes, but reading things like this make it not enjoyable.
        Have a nice day. Wish that you find peace one day of all the very painful things that happened in your relationship.
        I hope that despite the pain you regret within yourself what you said.
        The music below I find very peaceful. Might help you find some peace.
        http://youtu.be/o6OW_dfY_sg

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      2. I agree Susan, HG has explained the whole situation better than either of my therapists.
        I’m sure they’d be a few members for the HG fan club.
        Our ex narcs sure know how to distort our minds. Such a shame I’m sure they could have nice decent people if they tried.

        Have a good weekend x

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      3. Susan do you think your anger issues are soley related to years surround by narcissistic presence? That the resentment you feel, is demonstrated through anger in words or action? I know I am highly emotional, more of the self blame, demanding and tear ladened variety.
        I would wager the hate for him outweighs the love you feel. Which is personal for you alone. No one one is inside our minds to cope as we know how and which serves us best.
        I hope. That the anger and rage and hate you feel for him dissipates for you. I learned the hard way, that all my tears and self blame and distress only served to negate the happiness I seeked. He never felt it, he was immune to such feelings. Then he deflected mine as well back onto to me. We only hurt ourselves through anger. Not them.
        Healing is a process. Communication helps us heal. Xx
        The abortion statement, I know it was born of your anger, could you have stopped it from being released though? Difficult I know in heat of moment, but I couldn’t communicate that, as a mother myself and as my mum said it to me on numerous occasions, I wish you had never been born…and I would feel such guilt flowing for being hurtful to the child inside him. The child, who needs anyone’s love.
        I am not judging you, we cope as we know how and as we need.

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      4. nikita I said those things yes. This was coming after I cried over him telling me that I killed my child and have to live with it forever and that he could count hundreds of abortions he made women get and he didnt care about any of them, it was just a procedure. I wanted a child. He did not and when I had a fever of 104 degrees I called so he could help me, and he ignored me until the next day. When I was in tears an weeping over how he could be so cruel to me when this is not what i wanted, he told me that he thought I was lying for attention.

        This is when I told him that 1) any woman he got pregnant wasnt just her responsibility nor is it her OWN fault or conscience that will haunt her 2) I wish his mother aborted him bc hes ruined every woman in his path

        He said disgusting things to me. I enjoyed being raped in my past bc Im a sexual deviant; my parents were horrible people; I should get over needing attention 10 days after my grandfather died – get over it; I ‘raised’ his daughter to hate him and be a ‘f*ckup’ (I knew her for two years…..)

        Essentially anything and everything I did was casted and blamed.

        So yes. He was evil and malicious and would do things intentionally to hurt me. He told me that my heart was dark and would put me on speaker with his fans when he’d say one of numerous degrading things and say ‘you need help’ and Id throw in there ‘I do…since you have convinced me that my rape was fun’ and hed then take me off of speaker.

        In hindsight, my Father still had a more malicious tongue, and meeting the XN made me sever ties w/him for good (this is the only good that came from this union). However I see his pattern now. and I pity him and wonder if he can ever change so that he wont harm any other women. I do however think hell meet a young bird, impregnante her, and shell have it…so he can make that child #5 with woman #4. Maybe she’ll change him around at the age of 45.

        Somehow. Ill lean towards a No reply. I don’t think his evil can be changed. Its who he is. I was a lot of fun, I told him during many verbal beatings I was bred for it, and my Father makes him look like a girl…

        So I’d egg him on because he had no idea I was born into it…I mud slung along with him when he took disrespect to the 3rd degree. So I too, would hit him where it’d hurt if that was possible.

        Not proud, but I couldn’t fight him like a man with fists. He preferrred tongue lashings so that nooone could see how vsiciously sick he was inside. I helped remind him when he took me to my Dad’s level….meaning when you are born into it these words, the ones below the belt are so normal that it became easier when he made me go into ‘Daddy Mode’ and talk about his Mother the way he talked about me, his exes, even his own children (told me if he didnt care about NOT talking to one daughter what makes me think hed ever care about talking to me again) I agreed….and told him to give me a call when his Mom passes away and he plays Victim so I can tell him to get over it like he did with me….

        – Never spoke to another man this way in my life.
        These people are the Devil. A tongue that could cut through butter or steel. I just have the disadvantage of having to know every demoralizing thing to say beause I heard in my entire life. Ill never be with a ‘daddy’ like man again. This much, I know.

        -S

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      5. Janna my ‘anger issues’ were provoked attempts to allow me to see that I was as ugly as he told me I was.

        I never had an issue with anger, however I have issues with injustice. This is where the burning lies. I have advocated numerous time to pass laws in the States for Rape by Fraud. This is something very personal to me, as I was assaulted sexually without consent in my past. I recall how it made me feel – violated, weak, drug addicted to numb the shock, as a Catholic I stopped believing in God. I’d wondered how it could happen to me, why? HOW COULD SOMETHING SO EVIL DO SUCH HARM TO THE LESSER GENDER, THE ONE WHO COULD NOT BE PROTECTED?

        So….the words may resonate as anger, and as such that is OK. Writing has been a mood stabilizer for me, because as I said I’ve offered to fight my Ex “like a man” if he wanted to bully me into submission, I’d expect if he could be proud of this behind closed doors, he should be equally as proud in public.

        As for the hatred….it’s difficult to even equate the feelings to hate but it’s the closest word in the dictionary. I am sad and hurt that I tried so hard for him to see that HE too had daughters. I told him over and over again to PLEASE set an example for them otherwise there would be no turning back. He’d blame their behaviour on their mothers, alone. It wasn’t fair. He had a place in their lives, and it wasn’t to run around with women all of the time, humiliating them as they were off to college and sharing ‘mutual friends’ on social media.

        As he said I wasn’t placed on this earth to save him. In a way, I spoke to him and I believe I stayed with him bc of the resemblance to my Father – I really wanted him to be a better and responsible man for them….though not my business and etc etc…he continued to pretend his behaviour was fine, and his children loved him how they love him.

        for me, it wasnt enough. Meaning. For me, even if it meant him having an epiphany to say “I want and NEED to marry the mother of my 2 daughters”….I would have felt like my ‘Time served’ would have been for good….he knew he needed help and even called himself abusive at the worst bouts or anger and fighting….but he’d quickly snap out of it, and devalue me more…. “You know too much”…..was something he last said….

        I only can pray for redemption, and yes, peace within….I will forever be in recovery…as we all know I too have the possiblity to become ‘one of them’….we all do…depends on how far we want to journey into believeing we are all good….or if we burn our brains out to the point that there is nothing to believe in anymore….either or…I do hope that he can be placed in a prison of some sort – just to stop hurting women….its the equivalent to being raped of a soul, with and without consent and depending on the day, isnt it… xx – S

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  11. H.G., can you do me a favor? I’ve been drafting a rough draft email to send to my Narc should he try to Hoover at some point. Can you just cut and paste and forward this to him on my behalf and tell him to stay away? (I’ll throw in a little triangulation myself to him thru you). This sums it all up. Please and thank you! Good Sport!

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    1. Whoa I manipulate you to do things for me,not the other way around ! OKay, send it to me and I shall consider whether it should be sent or whether this breach of NC will provide fuel. My invoice will follow.

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      1. Haha, I like when I can throw you a curve ball! Seriously, I will GLADLY pay a fee for you to do that…only if he hoovers again. I don’t plan on contacting him. Besides wouldn’t this affect his Omnipotent Pillar getting a non-emotion correspondence from a third party to stay away as written in “Revenge”?

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      2. There will be something in it for you, otherwise you wouldn’t do it….it is more about you 😏 especially since you vehemently advocate to us to keep no contact and such a message breaks your own rule…..I think two points manipulation goes to MLA 😊

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    2. I have been trying to plan out a hand written letter to mail to my narc, that discloses to him my knowledge and that I wish him love and if he needs me I will not abandon him. There is no love relationship anymore, when the realization of his lack of love in me came forth with his true identity. I keep destroying what I write…
      I am debating on whether to send it for his birthday in May? As I know he will not Hoover me In Near future based on His shame, jealousy and pride.
      That is nice of you HG, to help MLA, solve her issue. See, There is kindness in that lil black heart of yours, I envisioned the Grinch as I said that 😊 I hope the email works, MLA and stops that Hoover ❤️

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      1. Hello Janaa38!! I’ve taken to heart H.G.’s instruction that when in NC mode, if you have to have limited contact, messaging, etc., to have it be as flat and emotionless as can be. Which is next to impossible for someone Irish / Italian like me. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. However “Disgust” sums up everything I’d like to say. That would be waaaaay too much fuel though. And most of it, he’s already heard from me. I do believe there is merit with H.G. saying sometimes reinforcing NC thru a third party supporter of yours which would be forceful and emotionless stating his contact is not welcome could go a long way. My Narc cannot stand feeling others are aware and frown upon his treatment of me. Especially someone else shielding me from him.
        It may be completely unnecessary. I think I have finally been discarded. But H.G. thinks I’m still in devalue stage.
        Time will tell…
        Whatever you do, DO NOT correspond on his birthday. Be the one he doesn’t hear from that day. He will notice. If you need a bestie, a family member to babysit you, plan an activity filled day with your favorite things, let them keep your phone hostage, whatever. Don’t give him fuel on a day he’ll expect something to materialize from you. Hugs!!

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      2. Thank you so much for your response MLA, it is much appreciated. I don’t have anyone like Hg or a third party to intervene on my behalf, I have asked for help but it looks like I am on my own in this resolution. Everyone who knows me and him, didn’t like him, they thought he wasn’t good enough for me, saw him as he was a I guess, but me who felt she was actually loved and appreciated by him for so many years. I think I need to shut myself down and isolate myself for. All this now. It is just too much feeling and harmful emotions swirling amid my mind and heart.
        I hear you on his birthday, tbh, I was sending it as a gesture of love and consolation for that day, to let him know on the day is most special, I think of him. But I understand why that would send him a message he would want from me and expects from me,as well. I won’t do it for then, I might not even ever mail it. Once I get it written thee way I need it to sound. I maybe destroy that too.
        Thank you so much for your advice on this, it rather hurts my head and heart trying to figure it out alone. It really helps having advice and support to know how to proceed. Have a lovely Sunday ❤️

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      3. Sending an e-mail on his birthday as a gesture of love and consolation telling him you think of him does several things.
        1. Gives him a large dose of fuel;
        2. Tells him his ever presence remains strong;
        3. Gives him an opening for a Hoover ;
        4. Breaches No Contact ; and
        5. Perpetuates your hurt.

        It is entirely understandable,given your empathic status that you wish to show you remain a good and caring person but wallowing in this fashion only gives us what we want. You may feel some satisfaction at having exhibited a noble sentiment but that will not be seen by us. We will just think, “Ah fuel and she still cannot get me out of her system, just as I planned. Where is that Hoover?”
        This is precisely why you were chosen.

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      4. Thank for your reply HG. I know I am worthless to him, you have made that abundantly clear to me through your writings. I don’t wish to show I am a good person, I am a GOOD person, HG, he knows this already, I have no need to convince him of such. It is not about me having satisfaction either….that is part of who you and he is….it is about closure and letting someone go with love , not hate. I have no need to make noble sentiments, I on,y need what I always have on my side, the truth I what I feel.

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      5. Yes but by letting someone go with love you may think you are doing the right thing but it is not. This is because of the way we regard it, in a different way to you.

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      6. It is for me to heal, he choose not heal from his wounds, he chooses to live in denial and shadows. I live in the light, which often came become blinding to the things we experience. What he will know from me, is this…..I do not deem him worthless….even if you think I am. It is valuable for anyone to know. Even for him and you. That there is worth in us. Anyways, I have discarded all attempts to write him over last months….who knows if I will even come to a resolution on the letter….it is just my way of trying. I appreciate your thoughts to HG and the time you gave taken to share them with me.

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      7. Janaa38! You have the best time on your date today. This is the perfect distraction for you. Sunday Funday!

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      8. Oh reallyyyyyy? Well since you’re online writing to all of us today, guess we’re your supplementary supply on this Sunday Funday! Ha!

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      9. Hugs MLA, not a date persay, just a walk and coffee with a male friend. I think he still likes me, he is such a lovely man, in all ways, tall, handsome, thoughtful, kind, loves his children and cares for others…this will sounds awful, but he is attracted to me, but I never had that sexual attraction to him. I feel bad I do with men who never deserved it. But, I do quite like him a lot. So it will be an easy and relaxed time. It is tomorrow morning, not today. You are very sweet, thank you for encouragement always xx

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      10. Janaa, have a lovely time. Be careful though make sure it’s not another narc on the prowl, be ever cautious and don’t tell him anything personal.

        Please don’t send anything to your ex narc, it’s my exes birthday in the next couple of weeks I’m certainly not going to wish him happy birthday.

        Stay safe xxx

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      11. I cancelled the outing with friend for today, he isn’t a narc I have known him for awhile. He is nothing like the other men at all.
        Unbelievably my ex emailed me last night, as he often does after a silent treatment. I emailed back on chance we could have a dialogue, he agreed and I was able to ask him all the questions stored in my mind for months now. He answered them all, he stated as far as he knows he isn’t narc, but said he will research it to make sure and let me know. He said his behaviour does sound similar, but feels he isn’t a user or manipulator…it was. A positive conversation, which gave me what I needed. I did not imitate contact either, he came to me. I await what he tells me after his research. I hope it can help him better understand himself.
        Thank you for your support ❤️

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      12. Is there a scent that travels in the air? The timing of him reaching out on the brink of you finally looking forward to a day to spend with someone (albeit platonically) is astounding. They are like homing pigeons. And your mind will now be consumed by him all over again with the anticipation of waiting to hear his answers from his research. Been there many times!

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      13. Do tell H.G. What (if) is the trigger that propels you to do that? Is it that enough time has lapsed without the victim reaching out, pleading with you to end a silent treatment, or just the deafening silence and curiosity as to what they are up to pops them back on your radar?

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      14. Yes MLA, I don’t believe in coincidences he found out somehow, someone must have told him or he read it himself….the truth seems to be a lost art. I felt it fair to cancel as my mind would be devoted elsewhere and since he is friend only, he understood when I explained why. I still felt guilty cancelling.
        It is strange, how they know such private things and timing is , of course everything.
        I am okay with it all. I feel much relief for. Last months , he was really good with the information I shared with him. I was impressed at how calm he was and responsive. I hope he can realize and then we can work together to help him understand why he does what he does, with no shame or judgement, just acceptance. Maybe narcs don’t want our love, but sometimes deep down inside parts of them do want or need us. Everyone is different, if he doesn’t know why he does what he does that perhaps knowing will change his life for better. Fingers crossed 😊 I was really proud of myself , how calm and rational I was during it all….it went just as I had hoped. You are right MLA, I am anxious for his relevance after research, but one day at a time xxx

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      15. Janaa38,
        You have just shifted your mindset from wanting closure to you got to hear from him and you are going to hope to beat the odds and be the one exception, and now you’re already shifting to “maybe we can work together” on his behavior?
        I recognize it because I owned that same resolve. Honestly I think any subject matter you presented to him would net the same attentive response from him. Why is the sky blue? Hey let’s try this kinky new bedroom fantasy? Hey I think you have Narc tendencies? He is controlling the snake charmer illusion. Reschedule your outing with your friend. Just for the distraction, while you wait for the response. Get your head out of the game.

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      16. Sorry I might not have explained properly above, I haven’t received closure yet, it was just a communication channel to lead to closure. I didn’t mean a relationship as before, I mean that if he understands who he is and why he does the things he does it can benefit him and perhaps help other women not to feel the way I have through his need for fuel. I am hoping to Instill self awareness in him, as he has always claimed to have self honesty. I assure you my head is not in his game. This is my own agenda, soley. If he gets what he wants while I get my closure then win win, in my opinion. I am of knowledge now, so the tide has turned and I am swimming with the current 😏
        All good on the friend front as well.
        Hope your day is being good to you xx

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      17. I forget to say other day, one comment. He made to me, was we all have narcissistic traits, otherwise why even bother wearing nice clothes…..we shall see once after reading if he angry defensive tone reemerges.

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      18. Sometimes my Narc would play along like he would respond to a question I had. He would even start a conversation a few days later completely avoiding the topic at hand. And if I pressed him, Boom, another silent treatment. I think his remark about all of us having narcissistic traits was a bit passive aggressive. I’d prepare yourself for some silence. He knows the closure you seek is an opening with you to come and go as he pleases.

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      19. Thank you MLA…he focused on another issue, something that he felt effected him more, then what was concerning me. He end conversation with what I call key words that come before silent treatment. He knows I know, yet everything I say why did your say that, he says your being silly. But, as always he is gone after . I am sure if I hadn’t of pressed him as I needed to he would have remained. But I needed to say what I needed to say. I am sure he ruminated on it all and became incenses by accusation of Narcisism. His cross, jot mine.

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      20. Please be careful Janaa, he’s only appeared for one thing only and that’s fuel. I totally understand you need for closure as it is was I seek also, for my education gained from HG they know its what we seek and it has become another tool to extract fuel with. I’ve tried to think how I’d be if my ex tried to initiate contact and I think I’d be the same as you, so I need to work harder at going NC.

        Again please be careful all I can see is more hurt for you. Xx

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      21. I feel like he does know what he does, but can’t or won’t admit it to me even though I told him I accept him and understand. He knows, if he lies, he will nevr get the rule he wants. He knows me. He had no valid reason to contact me two and half months later, claims no other women in really or online….only me still. He kept rationalizing that his depression and family issues kept him away, despite my declarations, that no man who loves a woman could be away fro her that long, with no communication at all. Knowing how she would feel and miss him. He admitted it is selfish of him, but that he can’t communicate with me or anyone at such times. It is always the same story. If he leaves again, as I. And we all think. Then he loses me and his precious fuel supply. I will drain myself so there will be nothing of left of me for anyone to consume. Thank you Freedom xxx

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      22. I used to get … You’re being silly, I just need space I can’t deal with everything at the minute.
        I even got things are getting too much I feel like ending it all.

        All I ever wanted was him to share things with me and be honest. I know think when he wanted to be alone what It really meant was I need you to leave me alone whilst I concentrate on another fuel supply.

        Just be careful Janaa xx

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      23. Yes, I get silly a lot, he can’t tell me what he feels, he says he is sacred too, even though I accept him and tell him always he can be open with me….fear is an awful thing. I would love it be accepted that way. Thank you Freedom ❤️

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  12. I understand how you feel as well Nikita on those words regarding aborting a child, as a mother yourself xxxx that song is lovely and calming and a kind gesture to show. You do not feel such anger in your heart for any other. This is your gift. I am very much opposed to the concept of hate. But I do understand anger, resentment and despair. When we recognize such things within ourselves then we must focus more On our own healing and less on the revenge of others. Even the narc husband who attempted to kill me, I wish him no malice or hate…he is but a memory Now and my life has gone on without him and I will always be the better person. I am grateful I never hear from him or see him. Those are my blessings, he was cruel and surely evil. He must have hated me, never loved me to do such things.

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  13. I know NC is the answer. So grateful to have found this info out from forums like this. However, when you have kids together it’s sooo hard. To be NC. Even if you are NC at least for me when kids talk about them, emotions come back so easily. Any help or advice from those who have been there would be so appreciated

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  14. Friends, I found this on another blog:

    Valuable information for the victim
    I think when a N wants you to forgive him, he means.

    Dear Person that I hurt,

    I wanted to apologize for hurting myself, Deep down inside, I know that you were too good for me and because of that I hurt you, because of that, I am alone and I feel sorry for myself. I have yet again, failed at an attempt to rule someone else, they saw me for who I am. I feel compelled to write you a letter of apology so I can make myself feel better and deal with the way I know I treat people and as long as you can forgive me I can go on existing. Please let me exist to you? You hold a power over me like I once believed I held over you, simply by not letting me in. Simply by not letting me get to you, hurt you, see you, talk to you, and take take take! The love you gave me.
    I made you feel special, like you were the one who was going to change my heart and yet, you didn’t fall for it. You see me for who I am… This I simply cannot deal with. I hate myself, a lot… My existence is through you and others who acknowledge I exist… Can I PLEASE exist to you?
    I know you wish this letter was written because I feel sorry that I hurt you, its not.. I am writing it because I hurt MYSELF, I feel bad for myself… I could care less what your up to, as long as you feed me something once in a while…
    You’re one smart cookie! Ignoring me, who do you think you are? I AM GOD, never forget that…. I control you, I control your thoughts, your dreams, you past, present and your future… only because you let me though, and how dare you try to rule your own life? Just who the F^%$%# do you think you are?
    This is MY world, you exist to please me, got it? If you disobey what I WANT, I WILL make sure you pay for this… I’ll do little things that piss you off, or make you wonder if its me behind it… I’ll play internet games, call your friends and pretend to be that good guy you met, you know? The one I pretended to be to “lure” you in to world…. The one no one believes went away except for you…the one none of your friends or family saw, Im a good actor huh? I should get an award… I rock!
    We can pretend though that you don’t think of me… I know you do.. Right????
    RIGHT!? Do I exist to you afterall????? I’m confused…. How could I once use you like a puppet and now you leave me hanging like this… I WANT THAT CONTROL BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT IT BACK! GIVE IT TO ME!…
    Please? I miss you… Not really but I know this will lure you back in… God I’m so smart. . .I should write a book on how to mess with peoples heads like I can mess with yours. . . Your dumb! Not really, I AM DUMB, I like to project my problems on to you, because you will always be stronger then me. I wish I were you, I really wish I were you…. Can I be you? I tried to take you away, for myself! Why didn’t you let me have it? You think your slick huh? You cant fool me, I believe I am superior to you…. But, only because you let me believe this every time you even TALK, THINK, DREAM about me… I bet you wish you could get me out of your head like I can get you out of mine huh?
    I threw you away like a piece of trash because, you are nothing more to me but an object. A toy, you know… that kids play with? But as long as you let me play with you, I can survive, I can know I exist, I can know I am worth something to someone….. Please?
    -Narc

    P.S. I just want you to know that, there is someone better out there for you, he’s waiting to meet you and I’ll be damned if I won’t try my hardest to make sure you never meet him. If you do, I’ll make sure I am always on your mind so you never forget and I can once again, trick you.

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    1. Thank you T, that really helped me this morning xxx he would show such love and tenderness and concern for me then rage on me for my insolence and disobedience to him and blame me for all he did to me. The fact is and one of his constant worries was I would find someone else, I would replace him. Even though he knew I loved him and was loyal to him. I remained true. Despite how he was to me.
      I was asked out for coffee for tomorrow by man I used to work with, we met each other by chance yesterday while I was out running errands. This man has always liked me, because of my ex I nevr did anything social with him before,he would always hold my hand when he sees me, smiles at me, says kind and supportive things, compassionate, family man, now divorced, I found out. A genuine man who never treat me with anything but respect
      So I said yes, because I deserve to be liked by someone genuinely. It is just a coffee and A walk through the snowy woods, as I suggested a trail I particularly like to walk on. It is just a lovely outing with a friend who despite time has still remembered me fondly.

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      1. HG I have a rather embarrassing question to ask you, why is it that when ever I cried either by him hurting me or something else hurting me, would he get aroused? He would always joke about it later and say my tears excited him in ways nothing else ever has and he didn’t understand why? Do you have any idea?

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  15. Janaa my n birthday is coming up soon and I also wanted to send him a text! But I’m not going to! If it weren’t for HG I know I would have. Let’s be strong together and celebrate the fact that we do not have to deal with there hurtful words and false promises any longer! Let’s not give them what they truly want, which is more fuel!! Have a nice time with your friend and be safe sweet Janaa. Xx💐

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  16. Hugs fool me xxx except, I do not need a narc, he needs me… therein lies the difference entirely. I wouldn’t text mine or email or fb him it would be hand written letter only…straight to him, that he must open, hold in his hands and feel my energy through the paper as he reads my words. But, do not worry, it will most likely never happen, in the sense even if I do write it .,it is down to if I will send it to him.

    Thank you fool me, we shall be strong, the only true destruction of evil is through their own self destruction. I have seen it. The day is coming. And It will not even be of my doing, so many others have a part in this, it will culminate soon and then the end is near. I warned him of it . He discounted me. He will wish he believed then. Some dreams are more them just imagination.
    Yes, it is to be a fine day tomorrow for an early morning walk amongst nature …it will cheer me up greatly. Thank you for the flowers ❤❤❤

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  17. HG I no now it was fuel ( thanks to you) but I also have figured something else out, he doesn’t know that he’s an N! That’s why there was always confusion on his face. There would be other things that he would say and at the time I didn’t understand but I do now. One time I told him not to give me a silent treatment, he said I didn’t give you a silent treatment, but sometimes I won’t talk to the boys if they did something I didn’t like and it drives them crazy! They’ll say Dad talk to us. Another time he was talking about an ex that he stopped seeing I ask him didn’t you try to call her and fix things? His reply was, I tried calling and texting everything that I could but she just wouldn’t answer or talk to me. Now I know she went nc on him.So many other things that he has said that I knew was weird but now I know why. Wow! Do they ever figure it out HG? Xx

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    1. Many do not, others know what they do is regarded as wrong but the compulsion to do so it too great. Then there are those of us who know exactly what is going on.

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  18. HG I now know my ex had no idea that he was an N! Now that I have you and the other ladies with everything that I read it becomes so much clearer. Wow ! He probably won’t have a long lasting and happy relationship with this one either. That is very sad. I am so glad that I found you even though at times the things you write hurt. I guess it’s true the truth really does hurt.💋

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  19. You are right! It is as sick as returning to my own vomit! Coming back again and again. This is a very good cure for that! Thanks H.G. 😎

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    1. HG? Who is the narrator? Sounds like the N, but also sounds like the victim after discard. Is it your goal to make us feel like you feel?

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  20. Do you feel power over me by not answering HG? You are just like my N. Giving you fuel now? Drink it up. You will have plenty when you reach hell and the devil asks you to submit to him then he burns you alive and causes you more pain. BUT Jesus saves you know……you COULD have REAL LOVE but you reject what Jesus has to offer. I have learned much from you and it helps but I am not impressed by your dirty deeds. If you ever feel a little like succumbing to love watch video In You by Mercy Me. There is a whole world of what you are missing in His Love. True unconditional Love. I will pray for your soul. Much love sent your way. I feel your pain. Hugs.

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    1. I do answer but here is some news for you, you are not the only person who posts here and since I am an Army of One it takes me some time to deal with long posts and those with questions, so some patience is required.
      There is no such thing as hell.
      I have a question for you ; if Jesus saves then where was he when I was being systematically abused?

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      1. Maybe He created you the way you are so you could survive the abuse and now you are surrounded by Him working thru your doctors and your commentators? Just a thought.
        That is awful and unimaginable to feel abandoned by God too. I’m sorry.

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      2. Interesting response Clarece although of course it does not answer why he (assuming there is such a person) allowed it to happen in the first place.

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      3. Because if our life is mapped out from birth and your greatest purpose will be educating the world on Narcissism, the abuse was the cross you had to carry then to bring you to this place in time now.

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      4. HG,
        Let me agree with you. The word hell originates from from the word sheol. Which is the common grave. Outside of Jerusalem they burn garbage. It was constantly being burned. If you were a criminal you would not get a proper buriel but be thrown into that garbage heap where you would burn. This is how death and burning got tied together. According to the scriptures in ecclessiastes chapter 9, wise king Solomon explains what happens to us at death. It compares to genesis where God told Adam and Eve, from dust you are and to dust you shall return. No mention of a permanent torture. Makes sense if God is love why would he allow someone to burn forever, plus once something is burned you cannot reanimate. It would be cruel to want to do. Now as to why does God permit suffering? Revelation chapter 12 explains that satan was cast down to earth. He is also called the ruler of the world at Ephesians 2:2, John 12:31, John 14:30, John 16:11. In 1 peter 5:8 he is described as a roaring lion seeking to devour someone. So we see that satan is the cause for mankind’s suffering, not God almighty. Why has God allowed this? Satan, in the garden of Eden challenged God’s right to rule or sovereignty. He told eve to disobey gods command not to eat from the tree. He told her she was bound to be like God if she did so. He lied. They both received the death penalty. Since he challenged gods authority to tell people right and wrong, God permitted satan to attempt to rule mankind. To prove once and for all that only the creator of man has and deserves to rule mankind. He also said that he would send out a seed to save mankind from sin and death. That promised seed is Jesus Christ. He is the redeemer of mankind. His sacrifice of death pays the ransom to satan that buys back everlasting life for mankind. We are held hostage by Satan’s rulership until jesus puts and end to his rule by armaggedon. So how does that explain the individual abuses we face? Satan is doing every vile, nasty thing he possibly can to not only hurt humans but also to hurt God as we are his creation. Satan hates us because he knows he will be destroyed. God does not want anyone to suffer. He has given us a hope for the future that his rulership will be reestablished and all suffering will end. Psalms 37, 10 and 11. Revelation 21:3, 4. In summary, satan causes our suffering. God will act and wipe out satan and the demons, all badness will be wiped from the earth. The future is laid out for us. It is a future with hope and happiness. So next time you suffer, blame satan not God. God will act for his people, He wants to act and soon. He is love and will not permit wickedness to continue. James 1:13. Job 34:10. 1 peter 5:7, 2 peter 3:9. 1 John 5:19, 1 John 3:8, Ecclesiasstes 9:11, Romans 512. Isaiah 25:8, 65:21, 22.

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      5. Do you not see what you are doing through your work HG? Do you believe just anyone could do this job? I am so sorry for all you had to go through, sometimes one must endure to understand it intimately, if not how could one convey the dynamics of these relationships on the level you are growing to. There is no way someone can bring light into the darkness with out fully understanding the darkness. You not only understand the darkness but bringing it into the light like no other.

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      6. You were created to do a job none other could. Doesn’t change the fact it angers me to my core at how you were created.

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  21. HG, my apologies regarding my impatience. I am the opposite of you (empath/N), but I do feel the same pain, anger, and hurt that you do because of the abuse by my N. An N is the biggest hypocrite. Why on earth would you want to inflict the same pain onto someone else that you yourself felt? You are not getting revenge on your abuser by hurting someone else. If you could tell your abuser what you needed instead of the abuse, what would you say that you needed from them? Can you get past your anger and reveal your hurt? We all deserve compassion. We all deserve love. We all need to be understood. Jesus does love you.

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    1. Do you mean I need the strike who plays for Manchester City but is injured, do I need him?

      Yes we are hypocrites. I will secure my revenge on those who abused me, that is what I am working towards and the way I behave towards others is necessary for my existence.

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  22. Ok. Since you are well educated on the matter, what is the answer to get you to try another approach?

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  23. This is the my favorite post so far. Open. Painfuly honest. Bravo, Tudor.

    You’ve been deceived by your “ones”, because, as you rightfully said, you didn’t recognize the false initially.

    Yes, empaths can lie too and they have their own reasons to do that. They want to be loved (the same child trauma) and they, despite on having the gut feeling that they aren’t your cup of tea, decide to take a risk and go in this relationship, having a sincere (or not) hope that they can manage everything and heal the “poor darling”. But…in vain. What starts wrong, goes wrong.

    Narcs lie to empaths too, initially not telling them who they really are and not explaining what they really expect from them.

    So, here we go. Double misunderstanding. Double disappointment. Double pain. Disgust.

    No one to blame. Everyone to blame. Double loss. Sad.

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