Gripped by the Illusion

 

(Sometimes a repeat course of a medicine is required)

You fell in love with an illusion. You fell hard and deep for something which never existed. The golden days that we created together were the twisted reflections of my manipulative hold over you. I know how anxious you were to try to recover the golden period. You poured your beautiful heart into securing the impossible. I know that my silences, my verbal violence, the cheating and the lies, my perfidious control of you was brutal, malicious and devastating. I understand that the whole avalanche of manipulative techniques I applied to you, in savage wave after insidious wave crushed your self-esteem, mauled your sanity and shattered your world. This brutality was nothing compared to the aftermath.

For now you have slipped away from my tight, choking grip. I know however that you sit looking from the window where you used to watch for me strolling up the driveway, a bouquet in my hands and the pain still wracks you as you remember how you fell in love with someone who was not real. Memory after memory stirs from within, an endless loop of ‘best of’ moments that you want to stop remembering but you cannot. It hurts yet you still want to remember because even as the pain rises in your chest, you still feel the flicker of your love for me and you still cherish that. Like the drug addict, you know that line of cocaine is no good for you but still you need to snort it. The cold silences may no longer chill our living room. The sting of my slap across your cheek has long since faded. The barbed comments I fired your way each day have lost their power to wound. All of that has gone. The one lingering, tortuous pain that still sits deep within you is the knowledge that you were in love with an illusion No matter how much you discuss it with your friends, the earnest hours with your therapist and the pile of books about healing that are stacked up besides your favourite chair (which I always tried to sit in before you), none of them help take away that awful aching.

You can manage the shame of being fooled. You take a strange pride in having given your all to such a despicable person because that is the person you are. Honest, decent and a provider of unconditional love. You do not want that to change. You do not want to lose the empathy for which you are renown. The battered bank balance will repair (eventually) and the dosage of the medication will come down (your doctor has said as such in soothing tones). The strength of character which made me choose you means you can deal with all of these things. The one thing that will never leave is that deep-seated pain that you loved a ghost. Your head will eventually accept what happened, that you were charmed, entranced and enchanted and you never stood a chance. That was why you were chosen. Emotionally, you will never lose that dull ache as you sit and reminisce about our time together and how wonderful being in love with me was. Your heart will never accept that it was not real.

That crack, that fracture, that tiny chink that remains from your frenetic and devastating time with me shall always remain. It is through it that I can return as I slip, shadow like into your heart through that unhealed wound. That is why we did what we did; so we always had a way back in. I placed deep inside you a powerful mixture which when activated by your thoughts about me, your reflection on what happened and any consideration of what we did, had and said, will awaken the addictive qualities which caused you to fall for the illusion in the first place.It is a potent and dangerous mixture. For all of the strength that you exhibit through never taking a call from us, from changing email accounts, from burning the pictures and changing mobile numbers, you are never truly safe. Yes, you manage to evade the snaking tendrils that we uncoiled to try to haul you back under our spell. You will have to maintain that vigilance for the rest of your life. Our polluting influence, through this mixture, if ever allowed near you again, will creep and trickle through the hole that will never seal. You are consigned to a lifetime of wariness and maintain your defences because that damage is permanent.

You will always be in love with the person you thought I was.

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55 thoughts on “Gripped by the Illusion”

  1. Yes I may always love the illusion but that doesn’t mean I will allow him back in. This is because I know he’s not real and what I thought we had was never real either. So why have a cheap fake when the real deal is out there somewhere.

    Never settle for an imitation 😊

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      1. HG…The narc…He was/is a violent person…is this what you would consider a ‘lesser narc’?

        What is it that in your mind constitutes lesser or greater in the narc world? He may not have your intelligence…that is clear but the behaviour is as you describe.

        The illusion…The game…The silent treatment, the idealisation-denigration, smear campaign was all there …The mask…well …that’s an interesting one!

        So I don’t know how you’d distinguish one from another…

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      2. Physical violence is an indicator of being from the school of lesser narcissism but it is not their exclusive preserve and will be wielded by the greater variety too although the greater variety has more manipulative methods available to them by virtue of their elevated status so often do not need to use violence. As to the distinction between the two schools (and the third in terms of mid-range)well I write about this in Revenge along with the cadres of Narcissist

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      3. I guess that does makes sense…to use physical violence in place of a lack of intellect…he’s a silly arse!

        Anyway…might go and download another of your books…so you recommend ‘Revenge’ to understand the difference…

        Better cracking open another bottle of wine!

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      4. Ha! I was meant to type ‘crack open’…not cracking open…think wine is having desired effect…

        Cheers HG…🍷

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      5. In my 12 year history with my N ex-hubby he used physical violence twice, knowing full well the effect on me from years of childhood physical violence. The first time was while pregnant with our first child and was realizing how bizarre his behaviour was. He slapped me across the face for refusing him his ‘rights’. At this time he had successfully moved me away from family and I knew no one where we were now living. I was also completely dependent on him and no way of leaving or I would have. The second time was 10 years later when I started pushing his boundaries and went back to school, becoming more independent and more social. He recreated almost exactly the same scene from 10 years previous, except instead of slapping me he wrapped his hands around my throat. Threats of violence in between that time were enough to have me acquiesce to whatever his wants were.

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      6. Text book manipulation.
        1. Ascertained your vulnerabilities;
        2. Exploited them and did so with the “return to childhood slap”(see Manipulated)
        3. Intimidation thereafter secured control and what he wanted.

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      7. Exactly HG, and thereafter I have tried to keep my past and my ‘weaknesses’ secret, so no one else could use the same manipulation against me.

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  2. As hard as this is to admit, you are right HG! I’ll always love the person he truly isn’t. I’ve stopped any type of contact! I keep telling myself he’s gone and I don’t ever have to worry about him getting in touch with me again. I think of all the horrible things he said and did and tell myself I’m lucky he disgarded me. But at the end of the day if I’m truly honest with myself, I remember all the good times and the love that I had or have for a person that was not real. If it wouldn’t be for you and Karra I know I would of given in and contacted him by now. I take baby steps everyday by either throwing something of his away or making myself do something that I use to like to do before I met him. The pain is unbearable at times but I keep pushing on hoping that someday with time it won’t hurt anymore! I love your books and this blog. I love the fact that your really doing some good with all of this! I just will never understand how you could hurt someone that loves you more then life it’s self! I know it’s all about the fuel!! But if you were truly honest with yourself we all know it’s about a lot more then that! Thank you for another wonderful read. You are truly a very gifted writer; and for that I certainly have built a lot of respect for you! 😘

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    1. Thank you Fool Me I appreciate that. You are evidently applying what you read about to your situation in order to seize the power. It is hard because we make it hard but you will eventually process nearly all of the emotion out and your pain will diminish.

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    2. Fool me 1 .

      I feel your pain , been there & it is truly unbearable . But & I imagine you’ve read this so many times , it DOES get easier . I loved ex N until the very day he left. I would’ve given anything to rewind to the good days, the happy days. It’s only when you get the time to think that you realise just had bad things had become . Any love I had now is replaced with hate & I’m looking forward to the day where the hate is replaced with indifference .

      Well done for staying NC I understand just how difficult it is to maintain . I promise you that things do get better !!

      Keep taking those baby steps . Occupy your mind with anything that makes you feel happier , cry if you want to & be kind to yourself .

      This blog has given me the answers to so many questions , questions I’ve been asking the professionals for over a year & never got the answers to . Stick with it & listen to HG , sometimes it makes for painful reading but everything he says makes perfect sence .. xx

      BTW HG, Ex used to steal my favorite chair …. ” coughs ..

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      1. Lol HG . Don’t tempt me .. the similarities between you both are mind blowing .. I had a WTF moment when I read that .. 🙂

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      2. Haha I don’t know if I can post a link , but here goes .. Just for you .. A lil bit of fuel 🙂

        P.s Don’t take it seriously HG .

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      3. Yes with HG everything makes perfect sense. Well said. Hugs to both of you So Sad and Fool me. Hope you get the light that will guide you out of the sadness. ❤️

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    3. Bless you Foolme….I changed my wordpress account to my actual information, it was karaa that was name my 1st narc called me as he didn’t like my real name….I thought it initially was applicable for this belong, but it turned out it didn’t work for me. Thank you for saying I helped you as well, that made me feel so pleased to be able to contribute to being on the road to healing. I truly believe if we support and love each other and accept each other in what we are going through, we are unstoppable ❤️
      I had a really bad day yesterday, emotion wise, but I am hoping to turn it all around again today.
      Have a beautiful day and yes, this blog has been my salvation, finally a narc who tells us the truth in a way we need to hear it. Thank you HG too.

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      1. Karaa so nicely said. Its true only with love and nice words we get where we want to be.
        Sending you hugs. Hope you feel better soon. But its okay.. Its normal having days when we feel down. Youll soon feel better Im sure. ❤️

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      2. Hugs, Nikita xxx thank you …love is always the stronger emotion xx for love, not hate, can heal.
        Yes, it was a down day indeed….thank you for being supportive xxx

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      3. I am sad that you had a bad emotional day, but I am happy that you’ve chosen to share yourself, your true self with us Jana. As I’ve discovered you’re a devotee of Rumi as well ( I find him totally inspiring and uplifting when I need a boost) I thought you could appreciate this:

        I said: What about my eyes?
        God said: Keep them on the road.
        I said: What about my passion?
        God said: keep it burning.
        I said: What about my heart?
        God said: Tell me what you hold inside it.
        I said: Pain and sorrow.
        God said: … Stay with it. The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
        ~ Rumi

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      4. Thank you Sheila, yes, I do adore the words of Rumi ❤ yes, Sheila, yes…. brings tears to my eyes….. I love when I can feel words and music with emotion. Thank you for your kindness and beautiful words and your support. xx

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      5. Janaa, I think ditching the name the narc gave you is a brave move! I love you picture! You are a lovely woman with a lovely heart!!!

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      6. That is sweet, thank you so much T….i felt using it on a blog lime this was right move, but I felt false and it was consuming me. It is Jana, for short, but for some reason WordPress likes extra a’s …I dont like how in photos, but my daughter took that one and I made it black and white, as it is my fave type of photo. Thank for saying such sweet things, you are very beautiful by your photo and your personality shines here in how you support others and share of yourself.

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      7. I’m sorry you had a bad day yesterday Janna (( hugs)) sometimes it’s easy to forget that you’re only eight weeks free , because you’re so supportive to others . I’m not the best at expressing myself possibly because i didn’t have a voice for so long , but my words to Fool me are meant for you too & everyone else looking for support .. As you all are to me. Thank you x

        Every day is different at the start of your healing journey . At first I so wanted the tears to flow just to get some relief & they didn’t , as much as I tired . Emotionally I was numb but at the same time I think in a state of shock .. that’s the only way I can describe it ..
        Janna in a way & I know possibly you won’t understand it but although yesterday was a bad day it was also part of you’re healing . It takes time but YOU can & will get through it . We can all support each other . xx

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      8. That you so much So Sad, it is nice here to have women so supportive of each other, I wish it happened more often in this world…when we do so we can effect such great change ago at any oppression unto to us and even our own self esteem and empowerment xxx
        …we all need cheerleaders to pep talk us and motivate us on low days and days when we feel a bit weaker then others.
        Bless you xx..it feels good to feel supported and not have to roe tend these things happened or explain to people who don’t understand and I think I am exaggerating.

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      9. What’s wrong HG not enough attention coming your way?? Really I thought you were a much bigger person then that!!😈 xo

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  3. The first time I knew my last N had some type problem is when he tore up his workshop in a rage because I asked him a simple question. He was completely unaware he is an N-I was to at that time…he didn’t understand himself…
    I was speechless….and sad….he sensed this….not wanting to lose me…he explained that he loved me and he now no longer had a filter (mask) on around me….and I would now be exposed to how he “really” is. He said he was not in touch with his feelings…..and I should never make him angry.
    My heart sank….I knew then I should have left(my head) but I felt my love would heal him. He deserved that….he deserved me…..(my heart)
    So I stayed….*smh*

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    1. T like that started my marriage. I was 26 years old back then. I still remember the first time I saw him explode in rage…😢😢.
      Its good that you left believe me. It breaks apart to say but it is. I left 14 years after not in a very good shape emotionally speaking.
      XX

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      1. Nikita, I’m ashamed to admit that I was much older than 26….and that rage should have been a HUGE RED FLAG for me to RUN in the opposite direction…..I thought “my love” and a new job for him would mellow him out. I thought if I was more “careful” when choosing my words…he wouldn’t lose his temper. I took the blame…*smh*.
        The golden period was something I so desperately wanted to return….

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  4. The small crack and the tiny fracture… you are wrong about those. It takes a lot, they stay as a scar, a calcium build up, but once it is healed, it is stronger tissue than the rest. It is when you lose and we win, not because of you, but despite you.

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