I Want You

Now I have your attention with my statement above, I can elaborate. Of course I want you. That goes without saying, but as with everything I say, the comment above is not quite the whole picture and I need something more from you. I would like your input

. I am preparing a publication which addresses, from the depths of the narcissist mind, those questions which are frequently asked by people who have done the dance with us, remain locked in that dance who did it some time ago and wish to warn others. I am looking for you to provide questions that you want answered and those which you think other people, similar to your goodselves, will want answered by someone like me. Some may seem obvious to you and not to others so do not diminish the value in your suggestions. It may seem obscure but no doubt, given the similarity in the way we behave, someone else will want to know the answer to your question too. Your questions should be generic so they apply to the situations of others rather than you tell me about a specific scenario personal to you and then your question appertains to that scenario. By all means, feel free to provide context and no, I won’t be including the question why are you all such bastards. Do provide your suggestions in the comments or if you feel shy you can PM me on the Facebook page. Thank you in advance of your contributions and the best ones will be included in the publication with a credit so do say if you wish to remain anonymous or select a pseuedonym (if you have not already done so). I look forward to reading your suggestions.

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87 thoughts on “I Want You”

  1. 1) Why can’t you stop texting other women? Or just admit that you do it and admit that you don’t want to stop?

    2) Why aren’t your endless complaints about me enough for you to end things and move on?

    3) Why do you always make it seem like the other women are pursuing you, when it is you pursuing their attention?

    4) Do you have any boundaries?

    5) Is flattery the one thing that I can use to control and manipulate you?

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      1. Hahha !! Okay so my first Qudstion for the book, is there anyone in your life at all that you would love ? Or perhaps not even love, but someone who isn’t expendable ? And if so what makes them so ? Perhaps it’s immediate family ? Maybe you don’t love them but you have respect for them and so would never dispose of them.

        My second question, is there anything in life you enjoy for enjoyment sake which does not involve obtaining fuel, I know you enjoy writing but you gather fuel from this and most sports you would also obtain fuel from by playing to win but would you enjoy just laying on the beach and watching the sunset (on your own) or perhaps course fishing just for relaxation ? Would you watch a tv programme because you enjoyed it ? Without it needing to lead to fuel in some way by perhaps impressing your new supply or upsetting an existing one ?

        Do you think you you were genetically predisposed to being an N or is your disorder from learned behaviour / core wound ?

        Feel free to rephrase any of these questions

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  2. Hey HG!

    I would like to read more about being discarded and how to deal with it. Espacially when it happens with no grand hoover because he has an other primary source aligned. Why keep hoovering with malign FUHS as soon he has the opportunity and keeping that in place for months after being discarded. I think this is the hardest treatment of them all. Discard, silent treatment plus malign fuhs everytime we try to interact with you. When does this distructions, devaluations stop?
    Why keep playing with us if you just dont care. It is so hard to resist and pretend those malign fuhs doesnt affect me. It does. I would like more advice on how to deal with it and how to stay strong during that phase (is this a phase)? And how to bring back peace in my head and in my heart.

    Thank You 🙂

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    1. Hi Em, there will be a specific book addressing the discard and the aftermath so I will factor in some of your queries into that particular book whilst considering other ofyour questions for the FAQ book. Thank you

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      1. I shall. I haven’t thought of one yet (although I have some ideas) so feel free to offer any suggestions you may have. I think you know my style by now.

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  3. Do you honestly feel SUPERIOR to me & everyone else?
    Do you actually BELIEVE all the lies you tell?
    Do you not understand that outsiders can SEE how you try to mirror their lives?
    Out of all your lies, “I love you” was my favorite.

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      1. I posted a Youtube Video and suggested your name and books / site. If interested visit it. I hope this was OK? It is to tell people to educate themselves and I gave my favorite sources, you being one of them.

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    1. The answer is yes. And court is normally a circus. Plus what unless a civil suit for money could you take him to court for? Its not worth the humiliation unless he assaulted you…though justice seems sweet..you can spend time on making yourself forget the anger….. xo My opinion bc IDK what you have gone through <3

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  4. HG is it common place for some N’s, (self aware of what they are to one degree or another) to converse with their target/victim about their monster/demon? Do they usually talk about it with a primary source or is it something they would talk about with an inner or outer circle friend?

    ~ Sheila (forgot to change accounts)

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  5. 1. Why try to come back? Why not after the discard and all the lies you tell about us just stay away from us? You always say there is plenty of fuel out there for you to obtain and since the golden period is when you actually believe you’ve finally found the one that will be different you would think after you find out it’s not you would move forward an d not back to the one that failed you. More questions to follow! That is if you will be answering my replies?? You missed at least 3 of them?

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    1. Thank you Fool Me. Feel free to add further questions. Yes I haven’t responded to your earlier questions have I? That’s because I explained why I hadn’t answered and that took them out of the pending list,thus I overlooked them and so I will have to go and find them, unless you would be so kind as to ask them again to save me hunting them down?

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      1. HG you don’t have to hunt them down, ( you knew I would say that being the good little empath THAT I am) I’m sure my questions are the same as the others perhaps they just haven’t ask them yet. Thanks HG

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      2. Another question, how many types of narcissists are there? I just found out that there is a sexual narcissist. Is the reason you start to find things we do wrong simply because your getting to close and are afraid of being hurt or abandoned and this is your way if protecting yourself? Can’t wait for the book!! Xo

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  6. Will you ever admit what caused this?
    Do you believe that you will remain in control of fuel forever?
    Have you ever felt vulnerable to love?
    Do you know the emotion of love and what it encompasses?
    Do you fool everyone or only those closest to you?
    Has anyone ever come close to figuring you out?
    Do you hate women?
    How old were you when you realized you were special?
    Who told you that you were special?
    Were you overpraised or abused as a child?
    Is it difficult for you to express emotion, other than the emotional responses you have received from your targets?

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  7. 1. Do “lesser Narcissists” actively research techniques online to hone their skills?
    2. If we break up with them, why do they need to have the “last word” and pretend they’re the ones who are done with us?
    3. Do they ever actually consider a valued source a true friend?
    4. If we realize (by researching what they’ve done) that they’re a Narcissist, and continue try to provide good supply to them… why is it not enough?
    5. Why do they sometimes ignore our compliments?
    6. Do they ever go “grey rock” with us – or would that just be part of a silent treatment?
    7. Are they all highly intelligent? It seems that way to me …
    8. Are Narcissists ever happy? You often mention the creature within.

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  8. Most of the questions I have have already been asked above. All I can say is that I can’t wait to read the answers in the book!

    Hmm, thinking of it, I do have a couple of questions…

    1. What hurts you, and I don’t mean the withdrawal of fuel. Is there anything that can move you emotionally?

    2. Do you ever feel genuine remorse, even briefly, when you see someone who loves you suffering, trying to understand why you’re treating them that way?

    3. It seems narcissists don’t have a lot of respect for their ‘victims’; is that always the case? Do they sometimes target someone they *do* respect purely with the intention of bringing them down?

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  9. As this is a book of FAQs

    I know the answers to these questions now, all of which is covered in your many books but when I first found out he was an N I would have liked to have known in an instant………

    Did he ever really love me ? It felt so real for me.

    Why, if he can pull people in and make them adore him does he then turn on them and be nasty ?

    What is the best way to hurt him ?

    How does NC make him really feel ?

    What else can we do if we’re unable to go NC to make him feel some form of pain / torture ?

    Can he be healed ?

    If I remain in a relationship will he chose me over others ?

    Why does he go for someone less attractive ? Less well educated ? With less stature ?

    Does he enjoy being horrible ?

    Why does he flirt with other girls in front of me ?

    Why did he say all of those wonderful things if he didn’t mean them (especially when I know them to be true 😉 )

    Why when I needed him was he not there for me ?

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    1. Good of you to consider questions which others may have. I will be looking to include a mix of questions which those who are new to the experience might ask and then others from those who have a better understanding of what they are dealing with but naturally still have many questions.

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  10. This isn’t really a question but I’m not sure if this can be incorporated somewhere in one of your books.

    For me, as for many it was a truly awful experience, like nothing else !!

    But

    He was the lesson I had to learn. At first I wished is never worked it out and that is remained ignorant and naive forever. That remained for a long time. But now, I’m truly thankful that I know. I once felt like life would never be the same again because I became aware of the extent of evil in the world which previously I thought was limited to what I saw on the news.

    But knowledge really is power and now I can help protect and support my friends better than j could before and avoid getting caught up with evil people and where I have no choice but o interact with them, I can manage them (to an extent) but I can certainly manage how I feel about myself.

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  11. Another question I wanted answers to back then was, ‘how do I deal with a smear campaign against me’

    How I handled it was to not react, not go round justifying myself although an innocent person actually does this, it makes them look guilty. Less is always more as they say, and you don’t actually need to say anything.

    your expert advice HG, would be fab !!

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  12. If you want to keep a good source in reserve why discard so badly why not give them closure and downgrade to friend status ?

    Why don’t you just be open about what you want then you may get someone who won’t fail you ( well in your eyes fail) ?

    Why do you blatantly lie to your partner when the present their concerns, I’d you want the negative fuel why not just admit what they say us true ( if it is)?

    Why tell your partner you love then when you obviously don’t ?

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  13. Why do you lie when truth would serve you better. Why lie about the obvious? Why protect the lie when there are no negative consequences to owning up?

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  14. I am not sure if you in particular will be able to answer this but
    is it possible the true self is ever that person we thought they were? even for a moment?
    I guess what i am asking is, is there ever innocence? Was there ever?

    How can my Narc go on posting love quotes…clearly she doesn’t know love? she still believes she does? don’t narc’s find it odd they fall in love with so many people?

    What will happen as the Narc ages?

    If a person has narc tendencies, can using xanex push them over the edge into NPD?

    Why have pictures of dogs you left (i own now) on your facebook (or anything related to the victim) ?
    or pictures of places we went (with just you in them) does this do anything for you?

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  15. Morning HG. What an excellent idea !!

    Okay speaking from experience , obviously I know the answers now because of your blog but I waited a long time to find them . Sooo

    Why do you find it so easy to move straight from one relationship into another and ?
    Why do you still keep coming back once a new fuel source is secured ?
    Are you really happy/in love with the new target ?
    Why do you hate me so much once you’ve moved on ?
    Why do you still try to provoke a reaction from me when you’re with your new target ?
    Do you ever think of me once your gone ?
    Why do you paint your victims as being unstable /mentally ill , bi polar etc ?
    Did you ever love me ?
    Do you feel any guilt/remorse when you break our things or hurt us ?
    And finally for now anyway .. I’m sure there will be more . ..
    Why do we find it so hard to let go ?

    So looking forward to reading the book . Thank you .

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  16. Good morning HG .

    As I’ve said to you before , I asked the same questions so many times to the professionals & I never got the answers until I found your blog .. It’s helped me immensely .

    P.s . I’ve mentioned you , the blog & the upcoming book on a DV forum . I suspect you may have some more fuel heading your way today as someones already asked me for a link. . Have a great day HG . I’ll be back later .

    Thanks again .

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  17. Morning HG!

    When a narcissists is discarded/abandoned by their partner (girlfriend, wife, secondary supply) and he does not have any primary sources lined up, does a state of dysphoria take place?

    When you rage back at the narcissist after being devalued, criticize them for their awful behavior, and then dump them (before they discard you) why do THEY initiate NO CONTACT with you?

    Why would a narcissist initiate NO CONTACT with you even though criticism and and our rage against them is a form of negative supply?

    If a narcissist loses a secondary supply (wife or long term girlfriend) would that cause an injury so great, that they abstain or avoid any type of contact with women for years on end?

    If narcissists are the way they are do to trauma caused by an over bearing mother, why does he still maintain daily contact with her and refer to her as a ‘saint’ when she has caused so much pain in his life?

    When a narcissist tells you they have no expectations from you, that they don’t need anyone, and that their happiness doesn’t matter, is this all a facade/tough guy act?

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  18. How about a survey? I’d be interested to know: 1) what proportion of your readers are discarded vs take the initiative to leave, 2) what is the average length of narc relationships, 3) what proportion experience physical abuse, 4) what proportion experience financial abuse, 5) the average time from entering into the relationship to the first realisation that something was seriously wrong with it etc etc. This kind of information might be useful. I’d be happy to put the survey together, deal with the data (anonymised of course) and do some stats for you (I’m a scientist). Let me know if you might be interested/willing HG and readers.

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    1. This sounds interesting! New to the blog but I checked around and haven’t seen anything.. if you’re still working on it, I have a couple suggestions. #5 – I see where you’re going with this but I would find this question hard to answer. Not sure exactly how you’d word it, but maybe it would help to be more specific? First, define “wrong” – as in, what was the first thing I observed about him that I later learned was a red flag for narcissism? For me that was over 8 years ago, and like most codependents, for a long time I would automatically / unconsciously ignore these signs, or “file them away”, and all that makes it hard to recall. Maybe something like “what are the first red flags you remember noticing” or “I should have known (s)he was a narcissist (or something wasnt quite right) when _____”. Sounds like a subtle difference maybe but these helped jog my memory, whereas when I was trying to remember the very first thing, I kept drawing a blank.

      Makes sense to have a question about alcohol and substance abuse. If they had kids with the narc or not. Jealousy, control issues, dictating clothes or friends, etc. Maybe if there were a question or two relating to each of the defined traits or red flags, you might see if certain patterns arise.

      I heard HG talk about not liking to be touched, I can only relate that to Mr. Grey from 50 shades – my narc wasn’t like that (although maybe he just learned to tolerate it? Honestly who knows anything for sure at this point, amiright?) Anyway Im curious if that’s a common narc trait or what’s the correlation?

      Perhaps just make a list of events and ask them to make a timeline mapping out time between each event.

      I am interested to know how everyone on here found out they were dealing with a narcissist. Or confirmed / knew it – for me the realization came over time, but I can also point to one day/event specifically where I knew for sure, and there was no denying it from there. Although that didn’t stop me from trying… lol/sigh.

      There are probably a ton more great questions you could ask, I wonder if there are any HG is curious to know.. 🙂 but who am I kidding, narcissists have us all figured out, probably know us better than we know ourselves! Or think they do, at least.. Looking forward to the survey!

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      1. I never realized. I realized when I met Sam Vaknin on youtube because it all matched. At that time I had broken up and went back with My boyfriend also N #3 and I went to the internet because realized that the mistake was not in me after 3 relationships with the same sad dinamic. I thought there has to be something behind them. I had no clue until april 2015 that NPD Existed. After reading and watching sam V , i discovered codependency and Ross Rossemberg and then in October this blog. I never noticed any red flag. I mainly believed it was me because they of what they told me blaming me and also because in my country they say that if a relationship fails its because of the womam not taking care of her man !!!!! Imagine this brainwash.
        So I only realized way after. But now I can identify one within minutes…all red flags.

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  19. My busy schedule prevented me from writing on here earlier and now I see many of the questions I would have listed posted above by other readers, which is great!!
    I thinking back when I was a newcomer and for you to present this to newcomers, one simple question will be blazing in all of their minds:
    Why can’t I get closure with a Narc? Why must I accept that no closure is the closure? Why can’t there be a finite termination to the relationship with a goal to try to end things peacefully and take away the good things you enjoyed about each other – then be done for good? Why can’t the good transcend all the nastiness?
    Going back to some of the things I was curious about early on was studying how these relationships rely on the energy between the two parties. There is definitely chemical releases and addiction that forms between both the Narc and the Victim, thus making it toxic.
    Carl Jung has a theory “When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside of you as fate.” That the parts of ourselves subconsciously wounded and fearful and associated with our dark demons or skeletons are really the “child” in us when something happened that went against our internal warning system that it was wrong. These wounds get disowned and projected into our daily lives with those we attract and let in. Is it that the Narc’s subconscious wants you to learn empathy, compassion, real love and happiness so that you can connect?
    Fix that, and you could be on a whole different path. Would you even want to? Experience and replace power with happiness and contentment?
    Those are my questions for now.

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  20. The narcissist’s seems like the possessive/jealous type. My ex N’s were extremely possessive over their material things, jobs, and friends…
    and especially lovers! My last ex N humiliated a coworker of his when this coworker walked in on his wife having sex with another man, he just walked out of the house and came back to work…..he didn’t know what to do…..My ex called this man a “girl” and an wuss for not beating them both to their deaths! My ex told me if he ever caught me in that position…he would kill me and my lover….and he would know just what to say to get acquitted of all charges….

    Post discard–Aren’t N’s worried their lovers will find someone else and forget all about them? The Hoover won’t work if a woman is being treated right by another man…do N’s get jealous? Or does the possessiveness leave the N post discard?

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    1. We have no concerns that post discard you will find someone else. You are too busy obsessing over what we have done, trying to see us, trying to work out what has happened and wanting answers from us to consider anybody else and then comes the grand hoover.
      Even if some time later the victim has a new partner you would be surprised how many still come running when we re-appear. The attraction of the golden period, wondering if it might work this time etc etc.

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  21. Always happy to spread your words of wisdom HG 🙂

    Okay . more questions . I’ve thought about it today ..

    Why do you throw your targets a line when they are ready to leave ?
    Why do you isolate you’re targets ?
    Why do you always play the victim ?
    How important is social media to you when you target new sources of supply & at the same time devaluing & discarding your last source ?
    And why can you never say sorry ? .

    Lol I’ll be back tomorrow with some more . Best get started .

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  22. If a Narcissist has very, very personal photos of us … What does he do with them after the discard/smear? Does he keep them? Or does he normally just delete them when he’s done with us?

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  23. Hello HG, I’ve put the survey together and can provide a link to it. I assume you’d like me to send it to you for you to have a look over before posting it? If so, can you let me know where to send it. Best, K

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  24. After a crazy week and thinking about questions…here goes…. What is the most common cause, if known, of creating/becoming a narcissist. Do children of a narcissist become one as well? Will a narcissist ever truly become satisfied or find a compatible mate? Do they seek out others besides an empath? As an empath, do we ever just get worn down and stay because there is no choice…what happens to the relationship then if the empath chooses to stay and never leave? Are there suggestions to living and co-exisiting in a relationship with a narcissist that will benefit both? What is the worst thing you can do to ruin/hurt a narcisst? Most of my other questions have been addressed.

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  25. At what age did you realize you were different from everyone else and when did you start manipulating to get fuel or become aware that that’s what you were doing?

    Pointers on how to deal with a narcissist in court would be helpful, in particular protecting children from further abuse. And along those lines, how can victims explain to others (lawyers, judges, family, friends, etc.) what has happened when the abuse has been so covert?

    You sometimes refer to the “lesser” of your kind. Can you describe the varying degrees?

    How can we ensure that therapists and counselors truly understand the nature of what we dealing with? And how can we expose the narc if the therapist buys into his/her persona?

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  26. My husband not only discards me, But our children. And then goes around saying how I keep him from them, when he went a YEAR without contact. He changed his number, moved, and blocked me on all social media, as well as our children. Is it impossible for the narcissist to love his own children? He uses them to hurt me, and then draw me back in. He moved me 700 miles from home to a beautiful home in the middle of nowhere. I thought it was for us to be closer. However, it was to isolate me to abuse me. My narcissist is violent. He controls everything. He is also a drug addict. And I believe sex addict. I caught him cheating on multiple times with men and women. Is this a normal narcissistic trait? I am trying to heal and desperately trying to get out of this cycle. He lured me in at 14. I am now 34 and have five children with him. I will not waste another twenty years on him. Not another moment even. Your words have given me insight and hope that if I am aware, I can leave. Why does the narcissist love this life? Why do they want to hurt people?

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    1. The infidelity is a common feature as it is done to draw fuel and also to keep you confused and in situ. Have a read of Manipulated and Sex and the Narcissist for more. The narcissist loves this life because he or she knows no other and this is the way we have been designed. Read Fuel for additional insight. Many narcissists, save Greater (Malign) Narcissists do not actually want to hurt people, they just end up doing so as collateral damage to their fuel gathering activities and this is why they do not think they have done anything wrong. It is very hard for people to understand this because they look at the behaviour from their own perspective, but when viewed from the perspective of a narcissist you will see that we must gather fuel and this comes in a positive and negative form and people getting hurt is a secondary effect of this need for fuel.

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  27. I am sure you are done collecting questions but one of the fascinating aspects of your kind is bisexuality if you would. I really don’t believe you all have a sexual orientation because to have one would mean having a connection that just isn’t possible for narcs. We would have to be human to you first and not an object.

    I would say in about half of everyone I meet who have survived this abuse also discovered the narc was romancing the same gender. Some even played the closeted gay sympathy ploy to both the man and the woman. Like “Oh I thought I was gay until I met you.” And then play the man saying, “I will leave my wife for you but I stay because she is the mother of my children.”

    I know the answer to why they do this but whoever is reading your blog has a high probability that they have been through this. I am new to this blog so you may have written about this. I would like to hear your response to this issue and probably others who are going through this situation currently would find it helpful to be addressed.

    If you already have addressed this please let me know where and I will happily go read. Thank you.

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  28. I don’t know whether this topic open or not, but I have a question:

    What are you afraid of (truly, deeply, secretly) and WHY are you afraid of it?

    I know it isn’t an easy question and if you decide to leave it without answer, I’ll understand. No problem. Thank you.

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      1. You told this phrase several times on this blog and it sounds like a mantra you have to repeat and repeat to yourself.

        The fear is a basic feeling for all humans. Everyone has fears, more or less, depends. But we all have it. It is nothing wrong to have fears, especially if they are related to death, diseases, etc matters.

        I understand, it isn’t an easy topic to discuss, but I don’t choose the easy ways in this life. Russians says “The Edem has a pleasant climate, the Hell has an interesting people… What do you prefer?”. I prefer the latter.

        Anyway, thank you for your answer, Tudor. Be happy.

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      2. There’s two interpretations to this. HG fears nothing as in he’s stating he is fearless. That is the facade talking.
        Then there’s the take that he fears being cast into oblivion and nothingness and that fear is very real to him.

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  29. Hello, Clarece,
    I’m not sure whether my answer will be posted or not, because I have certain problems with WordPress in general. It is lagging and glitching constantly. Not on Tudor’s blog only, but on all blogs I read. I wrote one comment on another blog one week ago and it was the same – it was disappeared “somewhere”. But today morning, I got notification that my post was published and answered. I asked the blogger when my comment was received and she said “Today morning and it is strange, because the date of it’s posting is one week ago..”. So, I decided to try to answer to you here again. What if I be successful doing it? Lol.

    My previous answer to you was pretty long, detailed, but long story short, I absolutely agree with you about “façade talking”. But, it isn’t what we (empaths) are interested in. Lol.

    Anyway, no problem.

    Have a good day and be happy, Clarece! Hug.

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