Shouldn’t Have Done That
You caught the same train at 8-05 am every day from Monday to Friday. You always sat at a window seat nearest to the door with a seat beside you and a double seat opposite you. You never sat and read the paper. You did not hold a book. You kept your mobile ‘phone in your bag rather than prod and jab at it. You preferred to look at the passing scenery. You preferred to look at your fellow travellers. You told me that the opposite seat was free. You returned my smile.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You said hello on the following day. You smiled again. You engaged in small talk with me and answered my seemingly innocuous questions. You accepted my compliment about your fragrance with modesty and thanks. You told me your name and I told you mine.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You said hello again the day after and the one after that. You smiled at me first this time. You engaged in small talk again but it grew from small to medium as the train left the station. You told me where you worked and what you did. You told me where you used to work. You explained all about your hoped for transfer to another department. You told me about your colleagues and laughed at my remarks about them.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You turned in your seat looking for me as I entered the train. You smiled and the smile was wider. You waved me over and we engaged in conversation. The small talk had been left on the platform. You told me this, you told me that and you told me about the other. I absorbed it all. I told you how your outfit suited you and you told me where you got it from. You told me where you lived. You told me you lived alone.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You looked for me again as you did every day. You always kept a seat for me. Sometimes opposite you. Sometimes beside you. You always had plenty to talk to me about. You showed me your new ‘phone and I saw the Facebook logo. I also memorised your four-digit passcode as you tentatively typed it. You told me that you were going for drinks after work and you told me the bar.
You shouldn’t have done that.
I went to the bar but did not look for you. You came and found me instead. You invited me over. You invited me and my two lieutenants to join you and your colleagues. You introduced me to them and them to me. I made you laugh. I made them laugh. I bought you more drinks. You touched my arm and your touch lingered.
You shouldn’t have done that.
Your privacy settings are not as good as they should be. You placed so much of your life online. You accepted my friend request. You messaged me first that Thursday evening and I messaged back. You messaged again and again so I did so too. You told me about your plans. You told me about your family. You told me about your friends.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You met me for coffee. You answered my questions. You gave me more and more information as our friendship grew. You gave me your telephone number. You told me about your ex. You told me about the one before him. You showed tears in your eyes.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You met me for dinner. You laughed at my jokes. You told me your hopes. You told me your fears. You told me what you liked and I liked it too. You told me where you wanted to travel to and I wanted to travel there too. You looked in my eyes and you allowed me in.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You invited me to the party at your house. You greeted me with delight. You let me into your house. You showed me your books. You showed me your tastes. You showed me your friends and let me entertain them. You showed me my recruits. You poured me a drink and I poured one for you, then another and another. You kept coming to see me as I kept the group in the palm of my hand. You smiled and you laughed and you looked at me with something else, something more in your eyes. You kissed me.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You answered my calls. Each and every one. You talked with me for hours. You answered every one of my messages. You showed excitement. You showed delight. You showed enthusiasm. You accepted the flowers. You rang and thanked me. You accepted the jewellery. You rang squealing with pleasure. You accepted the invitations. You invited me over. You made me dinner. You insisted I stay. You took me to bed.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You thrilled at my notes. You soared at my voicemails. You revelled in my messages. You thanked me for my generosity. You clapped your hands in excitement when I showed you the tickets. You kept asking me to stay. You held on to me all night. You whispered in my ear and told me what you wanted, although I already knew.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You told me to leave a toothbrush. You insured me on your car. You gave me a key. You booked our first holiday together. You introduced me to your family. You introduced me to your boss. You introduced me to him, to her, to everyone. You believed everything I told you.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You gave me your heart and said keep it safe. You told me your plans for us. You told me you loved me though I said it first. You told me nothing like this had happened before.
You shouldn’t have done that.
You made this choice. You let me in. You ignored the red flags. You let my tendrils slide around you. You told me how I had captured your heart and made you a queen. I whispered softly in your ear as you slept in my arms,
“I always do that.”
53 thoughts on “Shouldn’t Have Done That”
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Along with masking the smell of all the BS.
Such a chilling reminder of my ex.
I should have been deafened by all the red flags fluttering in the breeze.
Indeed but the beautiful sounds from our mouth drowned them out.
Creepy. But timely.
Written on my business card.
N3 memorized my phone code while driving us to the movies on a rainy day…..he admitted this when I caught him….it was our second date.
More red flags wave on date #2 and #3 than on a Trump stump speech, ladies! ! Lol #redflags
Something tells me that HG has an insatiable sweet tooth mlaclaree!
As do I…lol…which probably makes me such an easy target for Candyman!
It is for those exact reasons (and all those gorgeous words written above) that I find Sociopaths (not the kind that kill people) and Narcissists to be so bloody interesting and unavoidable.
These people can make life so much more interesting and much richer than you ever dreamed, as long as you know what to look out for so you don`t become the sacrificial lamb.
Another question for you HG – why are you giving away the tricks of the trade so easily? I mean, it’s clear you’re very proud of your amazing ability to catch and release, as it were, but some might say you’re trying to help people with your writing. People who have been burned, tortured and left for (emotional) dead by your kind.
And if it’s true that you’re trying to provide some insight or help, then that must mean you care, just a tiny little bit, which surely can’t be the case.
Clearly, this blog provides you with fuel. Everyone praising your writing, thanking you from the bottom of their wishy-washy little hearts for helping them heal, etc.
But I just don’t get why you’d want to give any insight at all.
Wouldn’t it be much more delicious to leave your victims destroyed and struggling to come to terms with what went wrong without any explanation whatsoever?
Yes I do notice that curious fascination that people have for our kind. You are correct, doing this provides me with fuel. It is also something I enjoy doing because I enjoy writing and why not, in tandem with the compulsion to do this, do something I enjoy and moreover one is always told “write about what you know best” so I am. I have no concerns at all about giving away the tricks of the trade, because it does not affect MY victims. There are so many people out there who will not know about these insider ways, so many who will not heed them and therefore I have no concern about it affecting my ability to acquire fuel. I also derive a satisfaction for throwing a cat amongst the pigeons for some of my brethren by allowing people to arm themselves with knowledge so I can sit back and watch the ensuing tussle as I drink down some more fuel. If people find what I write helpful then that is a matter for them, but that is not why I do it, I do it for myself.
I am simply making markers
I suspect it is that curious fascination that gets so many into big trouble with your kind.
That makes sense to me because it`s true that regardless of what information is contained here in this blog, you`ll like never want for victims.
And, I suspect it`s also quite likely that no matter how much information you provide to people, many will still be unable to defend themselves because, let`s face it, a good narcissist is a good narcissist.
What do you think of narcissists/sociopaths who don`t excel the way you do?
I ask because I know a few who are incapable of, hmm….”controlling” themselves, for lack of a better word. Some who let the mask slip often so it’s quite obvious they aren’t like everyone else.
I know a big difference between narcissists and sociopaths is that often, a narcissist isn’t aware of what they’re doing to others, while sociopaths are always aware. But, it’s interesting to watch the not-so-good ones flounder where the good ones prevail and conquer.
Do you think it has anything to do with accepting who and what you are and just going with it, as you seem to have done?
Those who don’t excel like me merely serve to make me look even better and more effective. I think it is an acceptance of knowing this is the way it has to be and therefore playing to one’s strengths. Remember, every battle is won before it is ever fought.
This reads like a romance novel….this is how most women dream of meeting Mr. Right. Well…how is a nice girl supposed to meet anybody, HG?
Just step this way nice girl….
You just need some candy and a van to lure me into with that line…Jeesh!
Now now, I am not one of those monsters.
I know, I know. Besides, you’re such a charmer, you don’t even need the candy, unless you’re a sweet tooth and want it for yourself.
Intellect is one of the things that I find so attractive about G. He is a brilliant academic and all of the women he’s dated have graduate degrees. What I can’t understand is why he’s with me. I didn’t go to college but I did go to secretarial school. He brings me to functions with his colleagues – he told me he never brought any of them. And also he introduced me to his mother, who is very demanding and always made him feel he had to perform in school to earn her love. I am the first woman to meet his mother since his ex-wife.
My friends all tell me he must really love me for me because otherwise wouldn’t he be embarrassed to introduce me to a bunch of powerful academics and especially his mother? I think I am pretty but no one would call me a supermodel, so it’s not like he has the most gorgeous girl on his arm to brag about.
He is with you because you will satisfy numerous core traits that he looks for. You may not be on the same academic level as him, but you no doubt understand much of what he says but most importantly you are probably in awe of him which is what he wants and this gives him fuel.
IN terms of you being the first partner to attend functions and the first lady to meet his mother since his ex-wife, how do you know this? Is this is what he has told you? If so, it is probably a lie.
Your exhibit humility and modesty which are traits which also prove attractive to him. You must not outshine him. You are most likely the perfect sounding board for his brilliance and that is why he chose you.
This broke my heart.
Welcome to the blog, Cody❤️……
Thank you, T. In a weird way it’s comforting to be part of a sorority that no one in a million years would want to join.
Well put, but interestingly you are all willing members to begin with Cody.
Me too….I’d love to meet you all one day!
I teared up a little.
But narcissists always seem to make me do that 🙂 lol….. / cry
Not sure why there isn’t a reply button under your longer post.. but I second what HG said regarding anything you “know”. If you know because the N told you, then likely all you “know” is what he wants you to believe. Your story reminds me a little of mine. In the beginning, I remember several friends and family of his telling me how they liked his ex wife, but not them together, and they were “so glad that he can be himself again finally, now that he’s with you.” I don’t know exactly how he made this happen, but I have no doubt it was all part of his well choreographed plan.
Also…. Unfortunately I stayed even after I knew. The only upside was that I was able to make some interesting observations in that time. One of them was a tactic of his I caught on to – he would tell his guy friends certain things (usually regarding how much he “loved” me) knowing that eventually they would probably repeat what he had said, to me. This makes whatever he wants me to believe seem more credible – if he told me himself, I might doubt him, especially when he wasn’t at all acting like he cared. But he has no reason to lie to his guy friends, and they said that he said he “couldn’t live without me,” so it must be true, right?
It was a genius move. Any doubt I had would’ve been extinguished right there, every time. But for the first time, I didn’t have doubt, I had proof. I knew he didn’t care, so I was able to see these statements for what they were: intentional, well placed lies, with the aim to manipulate me.
My point is this: if he told you, then it was probably a lie. If someone else said it, well that was likely really just him speaking through one of his puppets, telling you a lie. If you are with a narcissist, chances are your entire life is one big illusion, made up of lies.
KP gets it.
No, you should’nt have done that.
Great writing as always! Another reminder as I prepare to date someone new not to be such an open book.
Thank you Bethany and an important reminder then. Have you studied Red Flag in anticipation of venturing into the hunting grounds?
Of course…and I just finished Black Flag too!!! Seriously HG, you might just need to retire from your day job (or have you already?) so you can keep writing and hitting the hard TRUTH home for us hard headed empaths and soon take the talk show circuit…I can see the interviews for yiu lining up now…Oprah, Dr. Phil…CNN and BBC…your name in lights and all the people listening and squirming in their seats!!! Goodness Gracious, you will feel as if the earth opened up and geysers of fuel are washing over you in a torrid spray!!! I can feel you right now just imaging it so!!!
Thank you for that Bethany, that was a welcome dollop of fuel. I’m not going to retire from the day job as it is important to me on a number of fronts, but I shall continue to write because one I enjoy it and two I want to be the number one for this direct method of telling you how it is.
You are number one !!!!! ☀️☀️☀️
Damn right.
Great article HG I do like the repeated reminder !
Are you passing the blame though ?
Thank you. Of course not because it is never my fault is it?
It sounds like the progression of any normal, blooming relationship. Why shouldn’t I do those things? Can’t keep my heart locked in a vault forever!
Because of who you are doing those things with.
I am with you on this one! My first thought was, “Thanks a lot HG. Now anytime a stranger smiles at me, I’m going to get paranoid they’re a narcissist, makes some confused, stupid face at them, and never make any new friends.”
But in all seriousness, after I thought a bit I started to realize he actually mentioned a ton of red flags – notice in the beginning especially, he 1. Asks a lot about her, and simultaneously 2. Reveals little about himself. He also likes everything she likes, and showers her with extravagant gifts of jewelry, show tickets, etc. Sure, alone each red flag means nothing, some non N’s may even display a few, but if you start checking off most of the boxes, then you know.
Another thing I just realized – did you notice how HE has her key, HE is on her insurance, HE is allowed to leave belongings at her place.. but no mention of any reciprocation? Same thing goes for involvement with family, friends and coworkers – he knows all hers, and from what we can tell, she knows little of his. It’s all very one sided, even in the golden phase, this type of relationship is never equal. And going back to their beginning conversations, it’s the same thing – she gives him everything he wants to know, and in return, he gives her nothing of himself. (Or if he does, it’s small tidbits… of either superficial info, or just plain fabricated BS).
A seemingly innocuous conversation at the time, but it ominously foretells of the relationship that is to come: one where she gives, and he takes.
A good analysis KP, somebody is listening in class!
Love this!
Much obliged.
How do you know just the right things to say?
Observation, intellect and ingenuity.
Observation and ingenuity require emotionality, intellect defers to these, however cannot be a true measure of observation as it is skewed by the wound of the narcissistic perspective. In regards to the entirety of the post “Shouldn’t Have Done That” this is a clear discourse on what happens when anxiety meets anxiety.
Can you go into a bit more detail? I’m curious about the last statement when anxiety meets anxiety. Are you expounding on the concept of the laws of attraction and like attracts like?
I never really considered it so bluntly put before, but when i read this its all sounds so familiar. Its very well written and extremely insightful.
Thank you.
And what comes after you make me feel like a queen?
Checkmate.
hahahaha
I had already read it 😃😃. So good !!!!!
Yes thats how it all starts with an N. Its unbelievable. Sounds so familiar. Replace the train by the university, working place, party… Same dynamics.
So perfectly written. 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻.
Its the second time I read it and enjoyed it as much as the first.