If it Wasn’t for Them




There is a scrap-heap I sometimes visit. It is quite the mountain of spent and discarded appliances. I know all about the history of this scrap-heap. For instance, take this appliance here, he is called “John”. He was very useful when I first joined the firm. He had been there for eight years already when I joined and he took me under his wing I suppose. He was a mine of information. He worked hard but he knew lots of people, probably because they all knew that they could rely on him to get the job done and to be frank, they took advantage of that. I know I did. He proved helpful in providing me with all those pieces of information and knowledge that I needed to help me advance my career. I allowed him to think that we were friends until I became established and his information was not good enough any longer, so onto the scrap heap he went. He still works perfectly well of course but something shinier and faster came along so it is obvious I went after that and put him to one side. I sometimes come back and see if he still works and he never disappoints. Good old reliable John eh?

Here’s Olivia, do you remember her? She of the long legs, the treacherous girlfriend who tried to leave me and ended up getting pulled back in with the promise of a trip of a lifetime. We never went of course, I just had to ensure she knew who was in charge and once she had learned that lesson then she ended up on here. Next to her is Elizabeth. This is the supposedly clever bitch who sued me and ended up regretting it. She provided plenty of fuel during that ridiculous episode and it broke her in the end. Look, this appliance barely functions. Moving on come and have a look at Peter. He was neighbour of mine and I realised he had some very good connections who I really needed to get to know in order to win some business from them. Peter was most helpful in getting me admitted to that club and then introducing me to those other people. Once that was achieved I sent him here as he had no further purpose. Funnily enough, next to him are two of those clients. This is Alexander, I milked that tosser dry and he thought I was the best thing on the planet. How Lucy (my assistant) and I used to laugh at his affections. Not doing you much good on here now are they pal? What’s that? Nothing to say? Makes a change. After him came Marcio. Complete Eurotrash but minted and loved to play the big man, so easy to ensnare and keep going back. It was off the back of his billings I earned a promotion and through him I gained a raft of clients who were all impressed by what I had achieved for him. Stupid bastard lost it all in the crash though so it was good bye to him and on to the next idiot. Who do we have next? Oh yes, Jimmy. He was someone I palled on with at university. I used to borrow his lecture notes as Jimmy loved going to lectures so if I had some other study which was of greater importance then I would ensure I got the notes from Jimmy. He never minded doing it, he was just glad that I gave him the veneer of acceptability amongst my coterie. He just wanted to fit in. Hey, don’t we all?

This is Petronella. She was good for gaining exclusive tickets to events at the arena as she was head of marketing there. Then there is Paul. I recruited him and then took his clients and had him moved on. Total masterstroke that. Here is Neil, he ran one of the toll booths at a bridge I had to drive over and he just waved me through after I gave him some free advice. Well, it wasn’t free was it, cost him his job in the end when I told his employers what he had been doing. It was only right. He shouldn’t have been doing that. I didn’t drive that route anymore and we wanted the toll company’s business so this was a useful way in. Needs must and all that. Here is Kate the animal lover and her scoundrel of a sister Amanda. Wonder if that dog ever did get found? Probably not. Now that is Emily, she of the wrong questions. Didn’t take too long for her to wind up on here.

Couple of cousins of mine up next, Kerry and Phillip. They had their uses until they started wanting help and then they were never off the ‘phone. They became a real drag with their business. I could not help it if they made the wrong decisions can I, I only introduced them to Steven – here he is – I didn’t tell them to go into business with him. Still, not my concerns now are they? Quite a lot of them aren’t there. I don’t have time to tell you all about them, there are so many heaped on top of one another, stacked and shoved together. All consigned to the scrapheap after they have proven of some use to me. Colleagues, friends, minions, neighbours and so on. The head of an ad agency there, petrol attendant next, she was quite well known in the early 90s on the stage you know so that proved handy for getting some early exposure, he is a footballer or rather was, lower divisions mainly but washed-up now, architect, managing director of a reinforced glass company – he was shattered when I sent him here, excuse the pun, police officer, social worker, baker, nail technicians and so many more. Honestly it reads like the jobs section of a newspaper when I come to think of it. Oh yes, that reminds me, there is Joseph the journalist, now he was useful for ages and used to slip me all manner of news for a few notes, mind you he then used it to but stuff to shove up his nostrils and he rather lost his way after that, or rather he found his way on to here. Up and up we go, appliance after appliance after appliance. They provided me fuel, they provided me a host of residual benefits too – recognition, money, stature and expertise although of course this merely supplemented my own hard work. I am naturally gifted and I do not shy away from applying myself when it is merited but you have to seize the advantages when they come along haven’t you? Well if you do not somebody else will. You have to be first or you will not survive for long. I learnt that a long time ago and thankfully before it cost me anything too considerable.

I do like to walk around this monument of appliances. Sometimes I see one which I can gain some further use from and it is pulled out of the scrap heap, polished up and given the once over and put to work once again. There is sometimes a further use that can be found for these appliances. Actually, there is always a use that can be found but often it is just as easy and certainly more fun to go and get that new shiny appliance with the lights, bells and whistles. Why not? We all like to have new things don’t we? Yes, I do like to come here and look over these appliances and climb back over them, up and up, climbing high. I climb that bit higher each time I scale this man-made mountain and when I reach the summit I like to stand for a while and admire the view. I like to look down where I have come from and nod with such contentment at just how far I have come. I like to look to the north, to the east, to the west and to the south and survey those new horizons which I shall conquer in due course. I like to stand and observe how high I have climbed and most of it achieved as a consequence of my own innate abilities and the application of hard work, but I am a fair and balanced man and I have to give the appliances some credit. If it wasn’t for them, I would not be where I am today.


82 thoughts on “If it Wasn’t for Them”

  1. This post really struck a nerve in me. Very matter of fact and painful to realise that is what my exe does. Bad day all round as I also saw a pic of my ex and his wife meeting The duchess of Cambridge in Delhi.

    1. It just happens to be an event during the golden period which is all smoke and mirrors. In time the focus of the memory will be meeting the Duchess, not so much who it was with.

      1. Thanks MLaclarece

        I know it’s part of the golden period it just seems her golden period has lasted much longer than mine.

        I’ve just become consumed by all the upset and feel very distraught.

        1. Oh I get it! But a leopard doesn’t change their spots. Their relationship moved soooo fast. He’s probably still collecting all his info on her for when he does start to devalue.

  2. T
    Hi. I can imagine was a great trip!!
    HEY Just FYI , it was not the skin color. Except for Argentinians which are whiter, and peruvians and Bolivians which are darker we are more or less all the same hipanic or African descedentans.
    Cool that marriage there. Bet you cant wait.

  3. HG,

    OMG! This post was timely today! I just got back from my lunch break and guess who I saw going into the Italian place as I was leaving the Thai place? N3! He didn’t see me…I was in my car already heading back to work.

    This does not surprise me. He is taking a class at the University right next to the hospital I work at. I’m surprised we haven’t crossed paths sooner.

    He was walking with a dumpy looking woman. It could have been a date…if so…it was a first date judging by their body language. I’d put money on it just being a classmate…. However, I don’t know for sure.

    I SO wanted to jump out of my car and say hello! Because even in my work scrubs and my hair pulled up….I outshined her! lol!
    However, I thought better of it….he would just accuse me of stalking him….even though I work just down the street….to be honest…I’m not sure if there isn’t GPS on MY CAR….him showing up at that time with another girl does seem a bit “convenient” .

    I am the jealous type…..he probably thought that I would cause a scene…however….she didn’t hold a candle to me or the ex before me…I actually felt sorry for him….BUT MORE SORRY FOR HER…*smh*.

    I DON’T FEEL LIKE A DISCARDED APPLIANCE. I feel like the BEST thing that ever happened to him….AND NOW HE KNOWS THAT!!!

    I can honestly say I thought the whole incident was funny…but I do worry if there isn’t a planted GPS device on my car…..

    1. HG…

      Do you think I should have a male friend check underneath my car for a GPS device?

      Running into him isn’t too unusual in this town….this is the first time since August….he could have been using GPS to avoid me all of these months….but if he wanted to make me jealous….wouldn’t he find someone that would have made me jealous….and not some plain Jane with bad taste in fashion?

      Or would he pick a plain Jane to FURTHER insult me? (Dr. Vankin’s theory)

      1. Yes. Or a female one.

        He would pick whoever best would cause a reaction in you. Glamorous, plain or with three heads, whichever would draw the greatest reaction.

    2. Thanks so much, HG!

      I got an anonymous phone call last night on my landline. I KNOW it was him!!!

      I answered it….said hello twice. All I got was soft breathing on the other end….

      Seeing him yesterday at lunch was NO coincidence!!!

          1. I don’t know why he’s back….he should be happy…he has his freedom, I’ve moved on with my life, and if that girl I seen him with yesterday is his new downgrade…he should be damn proud of her! She’s at least a 3! lol

            If he were a decent person…I’d buy THEM both lunch next time! lol

  4. Well it’s about time you started using the language and insults to describe people that I’m used to hearing from N’s! This post was quite refreshing and real, loved it! I could feel the disgust in your words for these “appliances.” My N refers to everyone as “losers and scumbags” no matter how good looking, intelligent or successful the person may be.

    1. I often like to refer to someone as ” a joke person” and “tertiary”. They usually have to think for a moment to understand what I mean.

      1. What does it mean? We also use in spanish that someone is a joke. Spanish from my country because its different all over LA.
        Means he is like not making Sense. What does it mean in HG slang?

        1. The problem is when you don`t want to change who you are or your behaviour because, as HG often says, it`s not his fault he`s the way he is.

          So if it`s not his fault, why would he bother changing. Might as well embrace the demons!

      1. But you are aware of what you`re doing, which is a very sociopathic trait.

        Narcs aren`t usually aware of what they are doing to people. Sociopaths are.

        I`m no doctor though, so far be it from me to try to place some ridiculous label on you.

  5. This eludes possibly that your career may be in finance / stock trading / investment planning? Because of the success you can achieve financially (leading to material gains), I have heard that the finance field can attract narcissists by the droves, as in Wall Street.
    Not sure why this popped out at me but since you gave examples of male friends / colleagues / acquaintances that were discarded first, when you mentioned the first female, she was referred to as that “bitch”. Ouch! Showing that misogynistic side again aren’t you?
    Lastly, I get that this appliance heap has been decades in the making.
    I’m curious as you referred in another answer to someone’s question on a post the other day that you have your current “victims”. In your personal interactions, which are completely natural to you, given your ongoing treatment with Dr. E and Dr. O and also the daily interaction on the blog and constantly hearing about the after effects of what the treatment does to us on the other side of it, does it ever make you hesitate or take pause before proceeding? For example, take the sisters you triangulated. If a similar situation presented itself now, would there be a cognitive moment where you would think, if I say / do this to person A, the outcome to person B could be this and be really awful for them to handle? Has there been any slight behavior modification taken place that the doctors have noticed in you? This ultimately is what your family is seeking in order for you to get the inheritance, correct?

    1. The process would be, If I say/do this to person A what will be the fuel outcome from A and B and can it be improved. The outcome for them is collateral to my needs. The advances have been in understanding what I am and why I do as I do. They have their work cut out if they think they can modify my behaviour but this, alongwith awareness and understanding (thus leading to correction) is the apparent aim of my family, although I think they are just trying to keep me cornered.

      1. Awww, H.G., I don’t think they want to keep you cornered. They just want you to be the best version of yourself you can be and maybe actually feel and experience happiness; and maybe feel value to that over needing to feel only power.

          1. You sound like a dark sith Lord trying to use the force to convince me.

          2. Oh no you just didn’t!!!! Lollll
            Is that a recycled pick up line your using on me from the football game last weekend? Naughty, naughty!

          3. No I am just asking if you would like to see my light sabre. I have one. Dear me, I see the slops of your delinquent mind spilled over there.

          4. Yup, that’s me! Me and my delinquent mind woke up on the smut side of the bed today. Totally my fault H.G. haha

      2. My friends have suggested G is using me to get back at his ex-wife for divorcing him, which if he is to be believed was her idea, not his. Was your divorce your ex’s idea? Isn’t that the ultimate injury- one that must be punished indefinitely especially if you’re a malignant elite narc?

        The ex and I look like we could be sisters. I seem to recall in one of your books or posts something about finding new supply who looks like discarded supply as a great way to punish the discarded person further. She is a lot more accomplished than I am, and I’m sure she’s appalled that he’s “traded down”. But she’s the one who wanted out of the marriage!

        By the way, which book is the Olivia story in? I read the blog post about how she was thrilled you paraded her around your circle and on social media, but I don’t renember reading anywhere about the “trip of a lifetime”. I can relate to both the parading on social media (more on that later) and also fabulous trips, but I actually got the trips… and in fact this was the only time I was allowed to post photos and tag him on fb.

        1. Olivia is in Confessions of a Narcissist.
          Yes the divorce was instigated by my ex-wife but I cross petitioned and defended her petition, people needed to know the truth.

  6. I think a lot of people use people in a similar fashion (perhaps not as harshly, but similar nonetheless).

    I absolutely adore the honesty of this post. And how unapologetic you are.

    I know you’ve said you lie, cheat, etc. but there’s a lot of honesty in your posts and I find it refreshing.

  7. I have a sort of scrap heap myself, only it’s mostly friends and lovers who find themselves on there…There’s Vinnie, who I loved, but because he didn’t like me like that, I used him for his connections, let him introduce me to his friends James, Anthony, & Pasquale (all of whom ended up on my scrap heap themselves after I used them up and didn’t want them anymore); there’s Marguerite (a friend from high school who I spurned & tossed on the scrap heap just because I was bored, goddamn it). Only I can’t pull any of these “appliances” off the heap and see if they’re of further use to me…they won’t see me or take my calls.

    1. Do you blame them, Cara?

      The same people one steps over on their way to the top of the ladder are the same folks one has to face on their way down….

      ALWAYS– Treat kindly…. I’ve been to many funerals…and there is a cost of being a “mean girl” one’s whole life…and it’s not pretty….

      Welcome to the blog….*hugs*

      1. Noooo, I don’t blame them. I “stepped over” them, but I never ended up on top. I hit bottom a few times & had to look UP at them.

  8. HG I appreciate your candor. I agree with NIkitalondon that even the nicest narcs discard like this. The body count is chilling and yet it rings true. BTW Black Flags is very solid and helpful. Thank you.

    1. Black Flag was solid, Cat! Reviews on Amazon really help other survivors discern which books to buy. Chances are after being discarded…they might be broke….and expendable items like books are luxuries. When we review HG’s books they’ll know where to go first for whichever survival stage they may be in…

  9. I’m worried it’s just a matter of time before I’m tossed on the scrap heap. All the women before me had prestigious degrees and jobs, and that apparently wasn’t enough for him. But I live in terror that he’s going to find out about my financial situation (I just lost my job but have been using credit cards to pretend everything is fine) and decide he can’t be with someone who doesn’t have a degree or job he can brag to his friends and family about. Did you ever have a primary supply who was someone you couldn’t brag about to your circle?

    1. No I did not. Our primary supply is chosen on the basis of their compatibility with the relevant traits. That is the paramount consideration. If there are residual benefits arising from those traits e.g. a somatic will choose someone physically attractive so other people admire him/her and we gain secondary fuel by reason of “They are with me”, the victim may be well-off , thus it is less important for us to work, but what matters if the capability to provide fuel. If there is a toss-up between you and someone else and you both give equal levels of fuel but she has a better financial position and has a better job she will be chosen over you, but it is the fuel that matters most. Your financial position and lack of prestigious degree will not, in themselves mean you head for the scrap heap, after all he has chosen you as a primary source so you were obviously doing something right. Indeed, it is likely he will at some point use these as a means of drawing negative fuel (he will triangulate your deficiencies with the exes).

      1. Always the fuel. I was told by a therapist many years ago that I show traits of being a codependent, and I know from reading your book Chained (very helpful, by the way) that to a narc codependents are the most highly prized of all. So maybe my codependency makes up for my deficiencies elsewhere?

    2. Hi Cody!

      May I be so bold as to chime in here?

      Your boyfriend should be someone you can tell everything to…..why do you feel you have to appear to be perfect just to keep him happy?

      You sound like a wonderful, sweet, and considerate woman…

      HE should be worried about you kicking HIM to the curb! JMHO

      Welcome to the blog….

      1. I would not worry so much about positions and job. You can look for anotherone.
        That sounds really materialistic 😖😖 to discard someone for money.
        Its all about fuel … We have been taught 😃😃

    3. Aww Cody . I feel so sorry for you & your situation ( hugs ) . Your post says so many things . All of his past relationships have failed & you worried that you will ” loose him ” ? I’m sad to say, it will happen anyway Regardless of how much you try . 🙁

      I’m not in a place where I can offer you some support right now .

      HG You can .. 🙂

      1. Thank you everyone for the kind words. And HG for the words that I need to hear. I flip flop between he’s a narc for sure (usually during a discard) and no way he’s a narc he obviously loves me because he introduces me to his mother and important work friends and his mom and I even became fb friends- something his more impressive gfs were never allowed to do.

  10. Ohh boy this was heard to read as it strucks reality of the dark side of the moon and the bright side hides away, or its maybe an eclipse.. Yes it is like this. Even the nicest narcissists discard also wonderful people to a heap… think I have no comments for the moment. Apart that is hard to read, perfectly written as usual and enlightning of the real world. Just a question. I need to undestand more and as you mentioned it nowhere, I would like to ask you if all these people let you down in one way or another? Really down? Or was it just that there was no more to profit from them? No more info? No more tickets? Etc etc.
    Have a nice day ☀️.

          1. Spanglish is spoken mainly in California….
            It’s hard for Americans to submit to speaking a foreign language completely…..

            Like our British cousins, we prefer the richness and beauty of English to ever really give it up 100%….

          2. Hi T
            Have you seen the movie Spanglish? Its great!
            I said about Mexican dialect because I know you live in California right next to MX.
            I recommend the movie!

          3. I have not seen Spanglish, Nikita! I do love visiting Mexico! Cancun and Acapulco…are my favorites…and I have a good friend that lives in Merida!

            The last time he took me to Acapulco…he made me speak Spanish to him in public because we’d be charged more for everything every time I spoke English…esp. in cabs!

            The cabbies told my friend…”oh…your wife is Colombian….” lol
            I wasn’t his wife or gf….and I wasn’t Colombian…but it saved us $!! lol

          4. Hi T

            He probably was right about the money but Colombian accent has nothing to do with Mexican accent… Strange that one there. Its completely different.
            Mexico Beach paradise ❤️

          5. They were probably hearing my American accent through the Spanish….or just assuming Colombian because of my skin color? idk? lol. It was a FABULOUS trip!

            My cousin is getting married next year in Riviera Maya! I can’t wait to go!!

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