A Grotesque Asylum

“Why don’t you try to love me the way that I love you?” – Paula

“Perhaps if you just tried you could find a better way to something deeper and more substantial.” – Kate

“I know it is within you, it has to be, all you need is to embrace it and place your trust in me.” – Alex

“I know you flirt with all kinds of dirt, but beneath the sin, I know you want to love me like I love you.” – Karen

“If you let me I will show you how to love without condition or cruelty, it can be done by all of us. Just let me try.” – Caroline

I still hear these words from these women (and more besides) as I sit late at night in the large living room to the rear of my house. It is on the first floor and provides me with a commanding view of the fields to the rear of the property, the occasional copse breaking up the undulating countryside. I had two bedrooms knocked together and created this living room where I like to sit and look out across the view as the sun vanishes and the cool, calmness of the night arrives. The sky shifts from the medley of flaming oranges, reds and yellows to a soothing azure and then the darkness descends. Karen and I enjoyed sitting in the large elbow chairs that faced the window. Often we would say nothing as around us the lamps would switch on, a gentle click signifying their creation of a pool of light as the timer activated them one by one.

I will often leave the city behind and come out here so I can sit in this house which I regard as my castle and with a glass of Chablis in hand, watch the sky change colour. The occasional noise of a distant animal might be heard but largely there is silence. The enveloping stillness of a calm world until I hear their words. All of them meant what they said and did so with the best of their intentions. I know that because I could see it in their eyes. Whether it was the earnest green, the heart-felt hazel, the beseeching blue or the inspiring grey, I still see them as they tried to make me see a different way. They wanted me to change. They wanted to make me something else.

Now Karen no longer sits beside me, I rarely bring the girlfriends that I acquire out here. I prefer the solitude, only for a few days. I will periodically check my electronic devices and the winking displays, lists of messages and e-mails sustains me as so many seek my attention. Without Karen, I decide against having the lamps gently bloom and instead prefer the gathering darkness. It is here that I can sit and plan. It is in this quiet that I can marshal my resources, mark my targets and organise my machinations. It is also when I resist those pleas to become that which I regard as impossible to achieve. I prefer to walk amongst my trophies. I stride amidst the frozen tributes to my brilliance as I picture each and every of my conquests as if they are beautifully crafted statues each in a pose denoting my victory over them. There is Siobhan, on her knees looking up at me as she begs me not to go, her pretty features contorted by the pain she is experiencing. Paula sits at a table, her hands clamped over he mouth, her eyes wide with fear as she fights to say nothing, terrified that a word might slip from her lips. Becky dangles limps, the strings rising upwards attached to her hands, her feet, her head, her hips and other places. The broken puppet. Kate stands on tip toe, her face a mask of anguish as with one hand raised above her eyes she peers into the distance as if searching for something, an empty dog lead in her hand. I let my hands glide over the smooth stone that has captured their defeat and embodied it in an eternal stance. My fingers drift over open mouths, curled lips, tear-filled eyes and flared nostrils. I savour the misery, anger and dejection that has been injected into these statues. I regularly walk amongst them and it reminds me of my power, the hold that I have over these people who sought to change me but could only ever disappoint me. Why would I ever want to do what they would have me do? Why would I embrace their suggestions when I can create these monuments to my omnipotence? These masterpieces of misery always reinforce that I am destined to do this for this is what I do best. I am reassured, validated and comforted that my way is the right way when I take a stroll  in my asylum of the grotesque.

 

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52 thoughts on “A Grotesque Asylum”

  1. HG is it because you think you can’t achieve to be the person that each of those women believe lies inside of you that makes you not want to try? Are you taking the easy way out because your afraid that’s it’s been so long since you’ve felt genuine emotion that you wouldn’t be able to handle it? Or perhaps you and your kind find it’s easier to hurt us and move on so that you don’t get hurt? I just find it impossible to believe that someone with your talent that writes with so much feeling and emotion doesn’t have any! You know HG with all the hurt,shame,lies,and tears that I’ve just been through, I would never want to loose any of my feelings or emotions because when you truly love someone there is no greater feeling in the world! Good night HG. Xo

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    1. I feel genuine emotion regularly Fool Me, anger, hatred, envy and the like. I have plenty of feelings. I have also witnessed and heard the outpouring of feeling and emotion from those that have become entangled with me and as you know, we are the masters of mimicry. Do I find it easier to hurt you before I am hurt? It is more about ensuring you provide then necessary fuel and if you do not then we get our retaliation in first.

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  2. I feel sorry for people who think they can change someone and try to do so. I always tell the people I counsel that when someone shows you who they are believe them. If you’re not willing or able to accept the flaws and the person is not interested in changing those perceived flaws then the only option is to walk away. Unfortunately, most aren’t able to do this so they stay until they are broken. I’m so fortunate that I’m not burdened with the desire to try and “fix” someone or turn them into something they’re not. Real change must come from within.

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  3. My dear HG, still waiting to hear the rest of the story of Olivia. I bought Confessions of a Narcissist but no new information beyond the social media blitz to punish the primary fuel who came before. Please share the part about the trip of a lifetime that you planned but then denied. I got a few trips of a lifetime but am afraid that one day it will be a promise that is then yanked away.

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  4. Karen is my favorite one of all your girlfriends. I enjoyed reading about her. There was lilt in your words when recalling memories of her. She seemed to me like she was a healthcare worker or nurse? She seemed like a strong women that you still respect a great deal….did she make you the happiest, HG?

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  5. I have realized there is no love, there never was. Only a love of power. Destroying the already wounded creates limitless pleasure in your mind. Since I have woken up, I stand back and observe, I see your coldness, your callousness, your measured cruelty and also your delusion believing that I do not know who you are. I suits me to tolerate your games, I have built a shield, it offers enough protection to survive and to heal myself. You can no longer destroy me, I have reached my fill and you have lost your power over me.
    My first narcissist was my mother a monster beyond description, she died a few years ago. Embarrassment everywhere when I say that I am glad she is dead, because Mrs perfect and wonderful tortured her children relentlessly her entire lifetime. There were others mostly female Narcissists, whose behavior was unbelievable, unless you were their target/victim. In-laws, work colleagues, bosses so-called friends, and social acquaintances.. My first husband was not, now I am married to an extreme narcissist who has only been matched in torture skills and cruelty by his now dead mother and his wonderful christian sister.
    You have choices, once you wake up from the nightmare. You have learned from the experts, narcissists can be so appealing, dissect their behavior and you will find they are all very similar, the underlying venom when they speak is almost visible. Feed their egos, praise their existence, praise their abilities and they believe every word. Treat them with care and concern they believe that too. Sometimes they can be very useful. The Narcissist is not always the winner.

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    1. Great comment Alexis. I share your sentiments exactly ( and not in a mirroring way) it is the only way to survive these creatures.

      Know their game and pretend to play it. And use that to our own advantages

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  6. Do most of your intimate partners know what you are when they begin seeing you? Do you discuss this openly? Do others with this emotional void also knowingly have the same routine of “love-bomb” followed by “devaluation”, then “discard”, or is it an unintentional inevitability for them? How much of this do you analyze with others like you?

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    1. They have no idea at all. No I don’t. We all operate the same narcissistic cycle because it works,although not all of our kind know we do it. I observe others like me to gain a lot of what I know, our family has a number of us in its midst and we are everywhere in society.

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  7. Ohhh I remember this post of one of the first ones when I joined the blog. Its pretty impressive. But now I know narcissits collect their ex-woman somehow and have a representative figure of them…
    Okay with me whatever object I am assigned. This posting illustrates this very well. I remember it as I became fascinated with your writing.
    I think one day you will stroll there and want to move forward to something with more meaning, deeper, warmer…
    This comes with age only that in Ns its a bit delayed because normally you reach this with 30.
    well at least that is the experience I have and with the 3 of them. A bit past 40. comes a change like when An 11 year old turns a teenie.
    Maybe one day you will like the permanent and not living on the fast lane chamging and changing.
    This article still remembers me last summer I spent at the lake or at the river every evening watching the sky change of color…
    Reminds me another summer is soon coming 😃☀️☀️.
    Nice day HG. I am so glad its Thu. I sink in the amount of work I have.
    Enjoy your day.

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  8. Why would you not use your omnipotence to bring happiness to these people instead ? It’s harder to achieve than misery and would show how omnipotent you truly are HG.

    I cannot imagine in the slightest wishing to make someone feel like that !! Well unless they were an N of course, then I would have no problem.

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  9. “Why would I embrace their suggestions when I can create these monuments to my omnipotence?” The first time I read this several months ago when you posted, I was focused on the number of girlfriends you listed and trying to discern if there was any kind of emotion attached to them. Like T, I honed in on Karen at that time.
    Now reading it, I focused more on your claim to power over them and the surge you feel from creating their misery frozen in their agonizing expression imprinted in your memory. This is how you remember them.
    But I’m assuming now after so much time has passed for them away from you, hopefully they have moved on, healed, possibly in new healthy relationships. They are smiling again, living again, not feeling confused, degraded, humiliated, beat down, lied to, manipulated. They are not the vision of all how you left them. I guess that’s why the construct has to be iron-clad because the creature that contains your conscience would relish in not letting you live that down.

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    1. Right, M!!!

      My last words to N3 in an email: ….”I’m not ever going to remember the good times…the only memories you left me with are ones of mental abuse and this horrible silence…., it didn’t have to end ugly….what’s wrong with you?!”

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      1. OMFG T! That sounds like 3/4 of how our battles (always texting) would end. Two weeks ago I sent a text saying I tried every way to have a good parting. In the event we ran into each other again due to a mutual friend we have, which is very possible, I wrote now it will be incredibly awkward and it’s all on him. His reply, “Relax.”

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      2. “Relax” and “calm down” to women are code for “get off my back”. When it’s all their fault in the first place…*smh*

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      3. It sounds like a euphemistic way of combining several sentiments: they don’t care if it is awkward, they want you to feel as if you are over-reacting, and yet the “softness” in a word like “relax” or “calm” is also meant to cushion you for the next Hoover.

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      4. You have a point, bo! N3 did some shady stuff post breakup….that 6 week silent treatment (grrrrrr)! That drove me nuts!!!! He could tell when I finally cornered him via telephone (called from a blocked #), I was done with him….but I demanded an explanation. He gave me a pity story about being depressed because he was laid off and had to return to school to retrain at age 42. By the time I got off the phone w him we were both crying?! That only opened the door to more hope and abuse for me….I should have taken thAt silent treatment for what it was….nobody that loves you/loved you or even just respected you would ever subject you to silence for more that 24 hours! Sometimes we all need a “cooling off” period….but if it last more than a day–run from that person and NEVER look back!

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      5. See, that’s how I first interpreted it too that he’s attempting to keep a line of dialogue open. He texted “Relax”. I texted ” Nope”. The night ended there. The very next morning bright & early, he pretended to send a mistext to me (which he’s done in the past after silent treatments). But I was having no part of that and pretty much tore into him which H.G. knows how that day played out. Ended with goodbyes laced with insulted laced “F” you’s. Yeah, I was brimming with lava hot fuel that day….and it has not subsided yet either.

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      6. I know right? I have to rehearse that so I can do it in a monotone, emotionless way so comes across like a sheer criticism. Ugh!

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      7. Now I am really confused: why not respond to an intentional, N-induced provocation with an earnest “I’m bored with you”? People who cannot/will not say what they mean are exhausting.

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      8. M.,
        I’ve made the same mistake because I didn’t know better at the time…

        M, Neither one of us will make the mistake again of going off on N’s, will we? Thanks to HG, we now know that it’s all fuel to them…so we will ignore them, right?

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      9. I know better to go off with any other Narc. I’ve definitely sensed a transformation in how I relate to certain people if I sense they are one. But JN…I could go off on him again and I don’t care if it’s fuel for him. Except it will never be positive again. Only negative. But I will not reach out to him and he’s blocked on all social media. So unless he gets real creative, I’m not expecting to hear from him.

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  10. HG,

    Your country home sounds FABULOUS!!!

    Depending on how the election goes in November…me and my rescue cats….Bear Bear and Snowball; might need a new country to call home for a few years….LOL

    Your place sounds PERFECT!!! ;)!

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  11. Why do you say “never ignore”? No contact, right? Won’t it de-fuse the situation to ignore their attempts at contact?

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      1. So it is better to engage them? I don’t even like standing within three feet of him. I am not a good liar: my face will betray my revulsion. What do you recommend?

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      2. If there is no temptation to fall for a Hoover, and one can stay unemotional, it seems as if recycling his own taglines is warranted. Dose of his own. He may get steamed, but so did we, so why not?

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  12. I’ve spoken to the ex’s ex, believe me we both know there is nothing omnipotent about you, impotent maybe 🙂

    I think your perceptions here are illusions, how you perceive them to be, but the reality is far different, if it makes you feel good to think otherwise- go for it.

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      1. That part was about him, not you haha, but I don’t know if what you say is absolute fact, only have your word for it.

        The self-important grandiosity applies to all of you though.

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  13. Big problem for me is that my body, spirit and soul do not give a single crap about what my mind thinks. No connection at all or…
    Pain plug plugged into pleasure socket & vice versa.
    Best definition I have heard of trauma is it’s the result of events so terrible/shocking that you are unable to get your mind around it/comprehend it and that’s given me a whole new appreciation of my mind!
    Poor lil thing is working like a steam engine day & night just trying to do its job! Recycling and sifting events in a search for any scrap of meaning, that’s it’s job!
    I consciously realize that in a pathological situation that’s an illusion, the “meaning” I’m looking for may not exist. And yes I’m one that went back for seconds really believing in redemption…haven’t found that either.
    So yeah, needing a whole system rewiring and on that note just found the only thing that has provided any relief at all, healing hypnotic sleep tapes baby woohoo!!! Gotta go under to get over.
    On the subject of group dynamics, seems like there must be a mathematical formula to estimate how many people sincerely trying to do something good together can you have before some psychic forces triggers the attraction of a bad apple?? What I know now, if the group manages to come to awareness might be something to be said for sticking with the apple you know…

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  14. I watched a very sincere, well educated group get first corrupted, then torn to bloody shreds by just one! Sure you’ll say well the ground was fertile and it was! People want to look for the good.
    And in a roomful of self doubters the one free of a conscious will always lead.
    I love what it says in “Politilcal Ponerology”:
    Greatest strength of the N:
    Everyone would love to be like that!! Haha, the charisma, the crusade, the driving energy, to feel so confident, the authority etc etc for pages
    Fatal weakness:
    They are unable to predict outcomes!!!
    This is our only tool and why the loser narcs end up in the dumper. Ultimately the price for any who worship the forsaker.
    Alas for me triumph brings no comfort or satisfaction. And carrying the inner gangrene…
    But have I crashed my car, DUI, shoplifting binge, run up debt, embarrassed myself in public, missed work, turned away anyone who needed me? NO SIRREE. Hellfire I’ve even forgiven my family members that believed him and spread his filth!!!
    While my daughter may never let me in for ever being with him in the first place, that girl has eyes to see thank you god. Only thing that would make it worth it is for her to be spared such an experience
    Man I am strong like an ox and for now I guess that will have to be it’s own reward…should I survive this (still very much in question tho 5 micro second close near death experiences and what I believe was one heart attack in 2 years haven’t got me) I believe I will gain extra human powers, be able to maintain humility, get back up on my hind legs and try to make some contribution to the decency of the world again I do vow.

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  15. Normal person “I love you” Narcissist “But, I really love you” Normal person “I do love you” Narcissist “You’re love is shallow…you love yourself”

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  16. This isn’t just NPD, it’s the NPD of a psychopath. The narcissistic circle – the territory of the self – is guarded with statues of crucified women. These women are a child’s romantic revenge ideation of the abusive mother, and the traumatic event that froze you, within your circle.

    It means you’re an addict who needs to sacrifice women to keep the boundaries of your circle invulnerable, through this fetishistic ritual. The crimes of these women (aside from being women) were to try to get you to become vulnerable, the last person who did that was mother and she abused your trust. You cannot leave the circle, this is the only existence they can have once then enter the circle.

    You can’t entertain the idea that they exist beyond thess images, you need to keep them there, they’re what comforts you in your isolation/ tomb.

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  17. *comforts and gives you a feeling of omnipotence. In order to undo the power mother had over you, you must be God to women. You’re too well embedded in society and gain predatorial benefits from it, to risk actually killing someone. If they’re alive, perhaps it gives you even more of a feeling that you did ruin them, like misogynist fantasies of deflowering. Having sex with them might be the first step in their degradation and demise. It’s this misogynist fear of women that rules the Final Girl in any horror is a virgin, or one who resists sex.

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  18. You’re like a male Medusa. Although that too is a misogyny story – Medusa was raped and appeals to Athena, who then rape-blames her by turning her into a man-killing monster. You are in some way psychically disfigured by your trauma, castrated by it, and no one can know or they’ll be tortured then turned to stone.

    Their eyes look into the distance or heaven, they’re blinded, they’ll never see you. But all they had to do was look.

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