Parasite

 

 

 

You fed off me and I am sick of it. You attached yourself to me drawn by my magnetism, but I never asked you to. You just decided that you wanted to be with me, you need me, truth be told and because I am magnanimous I allowed you to attach to me but as of late your taking and leeching has begun to annoy me. You cannot deny this is what you are. The evidence speaks for itself. You saw my charm, my attractiveness, my easy manner with people and how they are drawn to me and like some opportunist you decided that you wanted some of that. You realised that you could benefit massively by attaching yourself to me. You could avail yourself of my impeccable reputation, my scintillating presence as my esteemed connections. I do not blame you for wanting to be associated with me, who would not? Who would not want such a slice of the action as me? The opportunity to move in circles that you had never experienced before. The chance to be somebody. The time to clamber upwards from the tedious life you led and the doldrums in which you festered. I suppose I ought to admire your desire to improve yourself and better yourself by seeing what I am and what I do and wanting to be a part of that world. You certainly did become part of that world as well. You enjoyed my extraordinary largesse as you accepted my gifts, my invitations and my cold hard cash. You were delighted to be on my arm as we went to so many special places. You were granted access all areas. You consumed the love I poured in your direction, drinking deep of my passion, my affection and my dedication. I helped you, I listened, I advised. I called you often as you wanted me to. I made sure you felt safe and secure with my frequent messages and attention to your well-being. I allowed your friends and family to become part of my entourage, they certainly had no qualms about getting on the gravy train did they? You dominated my attention, engulfed me with your need to keep taking from me. Even when matters became difficult you did not stop with your neediness. You wanted reassurance still, to be told that I loved you, to be taken to those special places once again. You tried to stop me doing what I wanted to do, what I needed to do. You wanted to prevent me spending time with my friends and yes before you say anything they were always only ever my friends. Honest. You saw me as an easy target. I see that now and you kept taking, taking and taking. Is it little wonder that my irritation became annoyance? That my annoyance became fury? You just would not stop taking from me and in the end I had to stop this. I had to find someone who would give rather than take and that meant I had to be rid of you. That is why I chose someone else to escape your leeching and draining behaviour. That is why I cast you aside. You are a parasite.

 

 

 

You fed off me and I am sick with it. You attached yourself to me drawn by my goodness, but I never asked you to. You just decided that you wanted to be with me, you need me, truth be told and because I am the kind and caring person that I pride myself on being, I allowed you to attach to me but as of late your taking and leeching has begun to destroy me. You cannot deny this is what you are. The evidence speaks for itself. You saw my compassion, my attractiveness, my empathic manner with people and how they respond to such kindness and love and like some opportunist you decided that you wanted all of that for yourself. You realised that you could benefit massively by attaching yourself to me. You could avail yourself of my gushing compassion, my reflective presence as my emotional nature. I do not blame you for wanting to be with me, who would not when they are a creature like you? Who would not want such to erode me slice by slice? The opportunity to move yet again in circles that you had experienced before. The chance to be make yourself feel like somebody for once. The time to clamber upwards from the empty life you lead and the chasm which threatens to engulf you. I suppose I ought to admire your desire to improve yourself and better yourself by seeing what I am and what I do and wanting to make me part of you by swallowing me up. You certainly did make me become part of you as I struggle to remember most days who I am and what I was before I met you. You enjoyed my extraordinary love as you accepted my attentiveness, my invitation into my heart and my warm, loving nature. You were delighted to be on my arm as we went to so many special places. You were granted access all areas to who I was and you saw no reason to ever respect my identity. You consumed the love I poured in your direction, drinking deep of my passion, my affection and my dedication. I helped you, I listened, I advised and even when you began to abuse me, I never wavered from that. I called you often as you wanted me to. I made sure you felt safe and secure with my frequent messages and attention to your well-being. I allowed my friends and family to become part of your facade, they certainly had no qualms about forgetting me following your smear campaigns did they? You dominated my attention, engulfed me with your need to keep taking from me. Even when matters became difficult you did not stop with your neediness. You wanted reassurance still, to be told that I loved you, to be taken to those special places in side my soul once again. You tried to stop me doing what I wanted to do, what I needed to do. You wanted to prevent me spending time with my friends and yes before you say anything they were my friends until you banished them. Honest. You saw me as an easy target. I see that now and you kept taking, taking and taking. Is it little wonder that my confusion became despair? That my despair became desperation? You just would not stop taking from me and in the end I need to find a way to stop this, but I can’t seem to. You won’t stop.  I have to find someone who will give rather than take and that means I need to be rid of you. I know this has to happen but I feel I cannot escape you, you have drained and leeched from me to such an extent that I am barely able to think and function. That is why I need to cast you aside but how can I when you will not let me go and you will not stop causing me to love you. You are a parasite.

 

Who is the parasite. You, me or both of us?

 

The parasite is the one who benefits at the expense of the other.

 

Who is the parasite?

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49 thoughts on “Parasite”

  1. Yes Cara and I am happy that your response was the first response, so that readers may use this in grounding themselves in their own sense of power as not to become destabilized(re-victimized)as they continue to read what may come on this thread, or through excessive rumination of reading the post. A co-dependent relationship is what is being showcased here, and although we do not have enough information to the levels of awareness of those involved, it is important to point out that any person who knowingly- exploits- anothers lack of self awareness is a perpetrator which is likened to parasitic behaviour.

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  2. I say its a very toxic codependant relationship specially the second part is more parasitic than the first one because when somebody says ” you have leeched me out, paralyzed me and i know I have to cast you aside but I cant, you dont let go, sounds like a projection and sounds more parasitic.
    I knew such a person and such a situation of total toxicity, and the most parasitic in that case was the one who hated and felt villified any destroyed but at the same time did not let go. Makes me shrudder even to think about what is going on in that household.
    Makes me sad for the kids.

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    1. Hi Nikita! This can happen in a non toxic way on a MUCH lesser scale in “normal relationships” as well….
      That non N ex I told you all about last week that reached out in “friendship” and wanted to “catch up” as friends?
      Turns out his motive was to try to rope me into a “date” for a fancy event/party…..and he also tried to rekindle our romance?!
      I can’t tell you how done I am with that relationship! I only wanted his friendship….I declined the invitation. I just wanted to do the original plans of dinner and cocktails. He got slighted and told me if I didn’t want to be his date….he had nothing to say!
      I wished him well and hung up on him. That was Thursday night. He’s been calling me all weekend…and I have been ignoring him all weekend. This is not the silent treatment on my part. I just don’t have any plans to ever revisit that romance-EVER!
      I will however call him back and be very clear.
      This is proof that even non N males have a problem with thinking that all exes are still their “property” in some form or fashion….

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      1. Hi T

        How dissapointing that your friend turned to have other intentions. But its strange that he continues calling and calling dont tou think so.. How stresful for you 😖

        On the other side T. What was described above sounds very toxic in the way that its writen. I did read it several times.
        I knew such a couple and they were toxic, sick and dysfumctiomal to the core. They comtinue together destroying each other and their kids. My ex who knew them and was a psychologist for teenagers told me that such levels of disfunction would end up by damaging the kids and spot on. My daughter showed me last week some photos im instagram where the girl who is 12 had uploaded pictures smoking, with black jackets or even shorts and black stalkings to the middle of the leg.. 😓😓😢… What I read above sounded very toxic and similar to the couple I know.
        Your friend seems a little intense yes..
        Wish you good luck with the next one then 😃

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      2. He may be toxic….but trust me it’s one sided! lol! I never had any desire to revisit that relationship…..we were never “back and forth”. I met N3 shortly after this relationship ended….and although I ran into this ex often with N3….we were always civil to each other…although he’d mention on his radio show how his heart was broken seeing me with another man…but it was all his own fault! (which it was!). All of his phone calls are to apologize…but to be honest….I’ve had a great Holiday weekend with my friends at the casino and a party yesterday and another one today……and I don’t feel like dealing with him…perhaps tomorrow I will call him back.

        I learned to never go backwards….the only exception I made with that rule was for N1….but he was the love of my life….so I thought…and that ended badly.

        I really thought this ex and I could have a friendship…but that won’t work when one person is in love….and sadly for him….I’m totally done with that romance…he is a Leo and they do everything BIG…especially romance…his behavior does not surprise me…

        Thanks, Nikita!❤️

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  3. My heart is pounding and my stomach churning. This is brilliant HG. And the light reflecting from the mirror that you have turned toward me is painful as it cuts through my struggling to see eyes.

    I am reminded of the end of my relationship when I said almost word for word to him what you have written here – calling him out on his draining and parasitic ways.

    His cold response was “you are the one who needs to look in the mirror, but very deeply”

    For the past two years, I have tried with an open heart and mind to see where I behaved similar to him. I can see that a dependency on his approval and validation and attention and care was there but this was not clear to me until the relationship ended and I felt like I was coming off a drug. But wasn’t this dependency manufactured by him..knowing full on and with predatory intentions that by attaching himself to me for the gain of fuel and care taking that I would end up dependent? Isn’t that the irony of a relationship with your kind that you create this addiction to you and as you suck us dry you resent us heavily at the same time for the very thing you created?

    As I type, I do see that it appears I don’t take responsibility for allowing the attachment to form in the first place. There is little doubt that today such a dance would ever happen because of what I now know. But, at the end of the day, he was selling me something that I really wanted and I lacked the inner resources to discern if what he was selling was real or fake. Knowing now that it was the latter, it was he who benefited in spades. He was the parasite…and I the gracious host.

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    1. Indeed the strange dynamic of how we caused and needed you to be addicted to us and then hate the fact that we have to have you addicted to us. Schrodinger’s Narcissist perhaps?

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    2. Bethany, you did not lack the inner resources to discern, you were protecting yourself from earlier traumas and until you were ready to release the insulation, of which you needed, it was then that you could see.

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      1. You looked it up but it was a reference to Schrodingers’s cat. For some reason your question has only just come through to my pending box.

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  4. Never mind…I get it! I found this reference on Google:

    Oh my silly, silly Narcissist,
    at play again with that Schrodinger cat, claws and all

    Is it alive or is it dead?
    You have always been one to turn things upon their head.

    The upside down view a part of your
    magician-like retinue

    The cat-is it alive or is it dead- can never be said
    That is- until you choose.

    If the cat die, then let it lie
    But not you, my silly, silly Narcissist, not you

    I, naive heroine, in this little gambit
    would attend what you had intended

    Until you would look- see again-
    and with the blind bravado of one who equates

    one’s observation with an act of creation
    Would turn to me withe glee and say, “That cat is alive.”

    And I, dutiful as I could be, would un-bury the
    “dead” (now “alive” cat) all because you said

    But not now, my silly, silly Narcissist, not now

    Now I see the game you play with that little cat
    of yours, and I understand the sick trick that makes you tick

    Alive or dead it doesn’t matter-
    it has always been a creation of your imagination.

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    1. Oddly enough we make you think that it is a move you want to make, although some time later you finally realise it was the opposite. I never countenance my wins being turned into losses!

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      1. Excellent display of the narcissists binding to his false sense of reality, in that his life and the life of others in merely a game.

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  5. One of your most haunting, well written pieces! Would go nicely hearing you read it on YouTube!!
    We become the parasite as you project it on us and become unrecognizable to ourselves before we start to climb out of the abyss.

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      1. Ruh-roh. Then Kim would be on a devalue fuel line whilst you are seeking new primary fuel?

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      2. With all the time spent in therapy and your writings, have you ventured to open up to Kim more so than with your past intimate partners?

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  6. Thank you HG (skillfully presented),
    AND To Bethany and TheFlowerandRock…your words have touched me deeply, in a myriad of ways. I am grateful for the self reflection and validation they bring to my very existence. ❤

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  7. My ex N’s have always been the parasites. I bring in all of the “good stuff”. Friends, a great personality, status, a better social life….looking back….what DID I need THEM for? lol! I only wanted someone special to share my life with…my ex N’s only added fun as a fellow thrill seeker like myself for a while….after the honeymoon period….they really all turned out to be “empty suits”! Thanks for pointing this out, HG!💋

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  8. Started reading as though it was coming from you, half way through I though “is this a message he’s received from an angry victim? No, it can’t be, an empath wouldn’t speak out (even justly) with those words or that anger, even though they should and would be quite right to” then I began to see what you had done.

    So the co-dependency thing shines through and when you put it like this, it’s hard to see a difference . I guess it’s all about perspective at the end of the day. Unfortunately for “you guys”, you’ll have more friends and family siding with the empath to let them know that they are being treated unfairly …

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      1. Yes, what I meant was not so much the public opinion of people or colleagues, but those close friends who whisper in the victims ear, the ones who see straight through you and the ones who encourage the victim to break away. I am currently being said friend for a victim. It’s been hard, but a non molleststion order has been filed and things have quietened down a little since then.

        He of course can’t believe that she would have done this herself so now I am receiving abusice texts, it’s worth it though if it means she can start to rebuild herself and be happy. He’s not clever enough to outdo me. Unlike someone of your standard and intelligence, he wasn’t quick enough to realise I flipped his stalking on its arse and worked him out. We blocked every route to her and his smear campaign was cut short by us helping her ignore it. She’s been through a lot in the past few months but if she can stay strong then she’ll have won.

        Only if she can stay strong though … Time will tell

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      2. I usually know beforehand who can be “relied on” to comply in terms of a smear campaign. If there is a troublemaker among your supporters I would not be so remiss as to wait until the smear campaign to deal with them. It is likely that I would have identified them as a problem during the seduction and in those circumstances I would have ensured that this person would end up isolated and pushed away from being one of your supporters.
        If this could not be achieved then it would mean ensuring the victim listens to me rather than the troublemaker. If when a smear campaign is commenced and the trouble maker cannot be relied on to comply then they will also be smeared along with the victim. Choice suggestions will be that the friend is an enabler for the problematic behaviour (they buy drink/drugs for the victim), the friend is having an affair with our victim, the friend is leeching from the victim, the friend is jealous and is being a puppeteer with the victim. Thus we smear the victim for certain behaviour and also the friend as either the two being co-conspirators or the friend pulling the string to a hapless victim who is causing me problems but who I just want to help.

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  9. I absolutely love this HG!!! I’m so intrigued (ok addicted to) by your writing & the way your words stir up such intense emotions in me every time. We are 2 parasites that are strongly drawn & interdependent on one another simply because we provide each other the most naturally produced, highest possible quality & quantity of the exact things we each require to sustain life. We become equally reliant on each other & vital to the others survival. This is the most functional dysfunction by far but also the most dangerous. HG, I read on article by a woman on an abuse recovery site & her belief is-that if an empathetic/codependent person remains in a relationship with a N for an extended period & sustains an extremely devastating amount of emotional abuse & trauma the empath/codependent is most likely to become a N. Have you ever witnessed such HG? Is an empath even capable of becoming a N? It makes sense to me that these are the very things that create a N but I cannot internally rationalize a conversion theory. HG, on a lighter note & to add a bit of humor, I would gladly sub for your Kim & read her part on you tube! I’m positive I could perform this without a script & deliver it with with such passion & emotion that you would be most pleased. HG, I saw the portrait you shared of yourself, and you look just as handsome and “God-like” as I had imagined!!! Seriously though, I do admit that there is a strong desire in myself as well to see what you look like & connect the words & voice with the face of this familiar stranger that possesses the ability to provoke such intense emotions out of others with the absence of a visual reference & physical presence both. I’m both amazed & fascinated at this

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    1. Hello Kim and thank you for your kind compliments. I have not witnessed an empathic individual become a narcissist through sustained abuse. I have found that sustained abuse either results in
      a. The victim realising they are in a bad place and taking steps to escape;
      b. Others (this is more usual) recognising the victim is in a bad place and enabling them to escape;
      c. The victim shuts down and therefore is of no use to use anymore and is discarded

      I don’t believe the empathic core of such a person becomes so eroded as to be obliterated and then replaced with narcissistic tendencies. Although I have expressed the view that a co-dependent starts off in development as one of our kind, they do not make the transition to our kind but become a co-dependent. I have expanded on this in Chained in case you have not read this alongwith what I have witnessed what happens when a co-dependent is subjected to sustained abuse.
      Your offer concerning YouTube is a kind one and I shall put you in the shortlist for auditions! I note your ability to perform without a script but as I am sure you will appreciate that you must adhere to my script, control is all.
      I am sure you would like to put a face to the words and voice and thank you for the observations concerning the evoking of such reactions.

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  10. Hello HG! Please accept my sincere apology if I offended you in any way with my earlier post. I come equipped with a very effective program that is compromised of the most desirable responses people generally find pleasant. I have strived to run the program in its original state with minor adjustments for those that require such. I will gladly relinquish all control to you, & do so with a warm smile, I will generously admire & praise you as I understand the burden that bestows upon you. The responses are of the highest quality & provide the positive fuel you desire in generous portions with little to no effort on my part. I do not triangulate easily or participate in the cruel treatment of others. I feel no need to judge those who do, we are each entitled to our own beliefs & principles, I will generously expose you to my family & few friends that are positive & delightfully tasteful examples of the same traits that are more people friendly. I treat all people as equal & im slightly concerned when you are instructing me on how I should regard people according to their value to me, I will not allow your beliefs into the highly effective program, I’m very efficient with the use & do not wish to change it. I do have great news for you, the program is also equipped with a sufficient amount of space that will accept & store projection & blame shifting as I have determined you find them very useful. I myself have been subjected to these in very generous portions & find them extremely hurtful & counterproductive in harvesting the things I require for existence (the intense desire to feel loved & needed by others.) As view it as my role to provide you all the things you desire in such a fashion that you find of exceptional quality & your desire to harvest negative fuel will not be met with me but through the others we interact with. The program is of the finest software & requires little to no maintenence. It delivers faithfully & consistently, glitches are rare & near nonexistent. I am able execute the program upon your verbal command or the nonverbal commands I have mastered recognition of that not only meets but exceeds your expectation with an alarming percision flawlessly & consistently. I view & treat you as the king in my life as you are the first person to fill my deepest desires- to feel loved & needed, I am ever grateful & appreciative & dedicate my entire being to your happines As my deepest desires are what that drives my very existence also & you are forever my hero!! I could go on & on HG but there is no point. The codependent without Ns are self destructive & highly dyfunctional independent of Ns. HG, please provide me your insight that I value greatly. About a year in with the current N, he became alarmingly near subservient of me. Is this because the very things we desire from one another are the things we naturally are programmed to provide one another? Please enlighten me, I am determined to gain understanding of the one element I haven’t been able to rationalize. I’m feel honored & appreciative to be in the very few you have selected to audition for Kim’s part. I must admit that I have been exposed to these subjects in the most generous portions. That alone does not qualify me nor provide me with the confidence I would require to perform such a duty. I do exist to please you & seek you approval so-with your expertise & mastery of the subject, I’m confident that your instruction alone will provide me with such to perform the task assigned to me. And lastly HG, I will perform the task in a manner that reflects your extreme intelligence & your extraordinary talent you have graciously provided me access to & provide you with the public recognition & praise you are entitled!!!

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    1. Hello Kim, do excuse my dilatory reply, I was busy trying to ascertain whether the program that you spoke of was something that could be purchased online as it has all of the hallmarks of a computer program. Still, you have kindly offered its use so let’s see how it functions shall we? With regard to your question about subservience did this take place still during the golden period? If so, this would not be especially unusual since he was still maintaining the seduction, telegraphing to you how he wanted you to be and did so in order to cause you to respond in kind, in terms of your own reciprocal reaction and the provision of fuel. If this occurred during devaluation then it would have formed part of a respite period or even as a preventative step since he perhaps perceived that you would leave and cease the provision of fuel. If not preventative it was done in order to provide respite and cause you to respond favourably.
      Oh and no offence was taken by the way.

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