Imagine Greater

 

 

Image result for surreal consuming world

You put yourselves into the position of others. We put others into ourselves. You do it as a matter of choice in order to fulfil one of the roles you see for yourselves. Admittedly, you are struck by a considerable compulsion but you still retain the ability to decide if you will do so. We do not. We must do it. We have no choice if we wish to survive. I would invite you to exercise that ability of yours.

Imagine being wounded by the words and actions of others. Imagine that injurious sensation arising because of the deliberate and treacherous behaviour of someone who we have come to rely on. From minion to colleague, from friend to lover, the slight that is occasioned by them stings, hurts and pains. Imagine suffering that agony even if the transgressor claims not to have intended such injury and pleads innocence of all wrongdoing. Imagine that you recognise that they are right in their protestation but it still does not take away what they have done.

Imagine being of ability, brilliance and talent yet within an instant being laid low by the turn of the back or the failure of acknowledgement. Imagine being beholden to such a tortuous response and hating being chained in this way. Imagine the desire to rail against the offender, mocking them for their shortcomings, their pale comparison and diminished abilities yet that same pathetic specimen has the ability to wound in such a grievous manner. Imagine the shame of despising that individual for their behaviour yet knowing that in their hands they hold such a power. Imagine those moments of genuine horror when it is contemplated that if that competitor only realised what they could truly do and that the consignment to oblivion might be moments away.

Imagine the anguish of knowing that your well-being and capacity to function is reliant on a whole host of others who have no inkling as to the part they play. Imagine how such ignorance is regarded as a blessing and that each and every day, thanks is given that they remain shrouded in such ignorance for if they became armed with knowledge, what destruction they might wreak. Imagine knowing you are chained to the one thing that generates such contempt and bilious hatred, the need to strain against those binding chains until they split, rupture and fall away with the arrival of another. Imagine the hope, the expectation and the desire for the new arrival to prove to be the saviour. Imagine always searching for that one true acolyte that will remove the ills, eradicate the risk of annihilation and instead will prevent the necessity of the imposition of those heavy oh so heavy chains. Imagine the fervent endeavour to acquire that new arrival and the sense of delicious anticipation as they begin to function in accordance with the expected and hoped for desire.

Imagine the soaring power that arises from this saviour, the promised one, the perfect one. Imagine that sense of surging, blazing power, the sweeping majesty of knowing that the needs are now catered for, that all is and will be well, that function and form can rely on this spectacular provision. Imagine the possibilities as being super-charged from this significant, this most significant other and that worlds will collide, empires will rise and the intended endless dynasty will be created.

Imagine the horror, the disappointment, the envy and the fury as that perfect one turns out to be a seditious charlatan who has lied, conned and connived. Imagine the incandescent rage that seeks escape. Imagine knowing of the consequences of such treachery and the reckless application of such blind fury. Imagine knowing that control must be exerted in order to preserve so much that has been built. Imagine straining to keep the beast within its confined place, the shackles so perfectly formed and seemingly impervious to weakness or fragility that now appear weak, rusted and not fit for purpose. Imagine the contemplation of becoming nothing. Imagine that which you wish the world to see being steadily dismantled and by a traitor’s hand. Imagine the sense of injustice, unfairness and bitterness to be undone by the very thing which promised the ultimate salvation. Imagine hearing that craven whisper that signifies that which should not be entertained or occasioned. Imagine the icy terror of that mocking, lisping voice and the frantic need to silence it. Imagine the whirlwind of necessity to rebuild, to acquire and to conquer once again. Imagine the Herculean effort required to reassert one’s place in this cruel and feckless world.

Imagine in such times of being reminded of what once was and what you swore would never be again. That which you have sought to bury deep and keep buried, locked away, hidden and rarely contemplated. Imagine the tormentors that come like shades to pull and drag towards that time again. That time which ought to have been banished yet still somehow rises time and time again. Imagine trying to bury it dead but knowing it will not allow this and instead when the obscene and scandalous plans of our opponents, our competitors and our enemies weaken that which ought not be seen as weak, that the corpse breathes once again and seeks to rise, its fetid words travelling from near-forgotten times to resurrect them and bring us down.

Imagine striking out left, right and centre in order to bring control and order back. Imagine that it can only be from the external chaos that order is enforced within and that the suffering of others is the glue, the mortar and the binding which creates that prison once more. Imagine reliance on the agony and suffering to re-build and re-create so that the voice is silenced and decorum established once more.

Imagine that whirring mind which must always assess, evaluate and calculate. Planning, plotting and scheming. A marvellous frenzied activity which devises and develops in order to always drive forward. Imagine knowing that stillness is not an option. Imagine the knowledge that taking such a step would only result in that slow descent and instead momentum is required at all times, onwards, upwards, forwards with never a backward glance, a moment of retrospect or the time to pause and consider. Always consuming, always extracting, always gathering, garnering, purloining, taking, sucking, draining, hunting, claiming, conquering. A ceaseless behemoth that draws the light from stars, the good from the benevolent, the love from the decent and the soul from everything. Imagine that and so, so much more.

Can you imagine it?

Can you be it.

I can.

I have to.

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77 thoughts on “Imagine Greater”

  1. Why these pity plays HG? The things you ask your audience to imagine are experienced by many, and not just the clinically dissordered. And you inflict these things on others without a second though – and celebrate. Yes, we can all “be it”. You are far from unique in these respects.

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    1. Where is the pity play? I am inviting the reader to imagine what it is like to be me (or one of our greater kind). This is facilitated so you gain an understanding of what is going on in our heads, the whole point of this blog. I do this in two ways. The first is to describe what it is like being me and the second is by describing how I know you are affected by the things that we do and say – enabling you to know that we know.
      I see no pity play in what I have written, just the truth of the matter. If it was a pity play I would be seeking forgiveness, sympathy and so on by asking directly.

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  2. HG, your blog is so helpful and I thank you for that . I also think you are helping a lot of people including myself . But putting to one side the subject of N. You have a great talent for writing . Such a shame that it is about this subject . Which brings nothing but misery to N’s and us. I know that N’s claim to be so happy but I doubt it .

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  3. I can imagine always going, always consuming…I SAY I won’t let myself get like this, but the reality is it IS who I am, underneath all the therapy and the Prozac.

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  4. Pity there r no pills to overcome this defect
    Might be the solution is to LEARN being self confident without constant necessity to rely on opinion of others.
    Learn like a new ability

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      1. Yeah, it sounds funny, dear AS2016, i agree.

        Confident ppl does not need confirmation of their significance from outside. They have it inside.
        Ppl with NPD need it. Unfortunately..

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  5. HG

    Very well written. I don’t have to imagine it. I know it. I am all of it. However I strike within myself for having such feelings.
    This twisted thinking is all you know. I can now see clearly on both sides. Because of your writings I can now acknowledge my own ugly traits and have started the journey to forgiveness. I don’t feel that yet at all. My doctors are thrilled and can see the development begin, I have to trust they see it. This has been 7 long very tough years in therapy. Not to mention the years and years that presided.
    Have you verbally had the chance to just let your words strike out at your mother? As a grown adult with this much fury? Where you by chance raised with nannies? Maybe several in your life?

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    1. Hello SII, thank you for the compliment. I tend to allow my fury to appear as cold fury when it comes to her. I minimise my interaction with her as far as possible. I was not raised by nannies, no.

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  6. Yes. I can imagine it. You have put into actual words the types of concepts that I have been formulating all along with my keen awareness and depth of insight. I knew. Not exactly or completely. I knew. And as an empath, that is why I forgave so much. And why my heart is still sad for him. If only he could know the joy on the other side.

    As developed and extreme on the spectrum of narcissism as you are HG, I am such on the spectrum of empathy. It is actually burdensome on a daily basis. But I wouldn’t trade with you, my friend 🙂

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  7. This is incredible writing and demonstrates such insight. I am tired just reading it. My instinctive empathy kicks in but crosses the the dangerous border into codependence as I begin to feel the need to ease your burdened mind. I am grateful for my own insight- the ability to notice that empathy and codependence are not the same. In many respects, I can relate to your tortured need for validation and certainty. It is painful. As I journey toward health, I can observe this codependent programming try to sidetrack me but I commit to new and better choices. It is brave work. Your work is even harder- making you the bravest among the broken., Keep walking HG. Keep going. Don’t give up.

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  8. “A man, to be greatly good, must imagine intensely and comprehensively; he must put himself in the place of another and many others; the pains and pleasures of his species must become his own. The great instrument of moral good is the imagination.”
    Percy Bysshe Shelley

    Imagine the unimaginable, if you will…you are loved and accepted. For you are. It is lastly for your own acceptance of self, that awaits you.

    Other words pale in expression for the wonderous effect of the words you wrote. Utterly resplendent, HG.

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    1. What a brilliant insight into your world, HG! As always, your words are a waterfall of beauty flooding into an ocean of knowledge. You never cease to amaze me.

      Miss_Stress – Exactly.

      I`ve said this before – it would seem to me HG is need of someone who will love, want and yes, even need him, for exactly who and what he is. Without designs on changing him or grand architectural plans to renovate his heart, mind and soul.

      A person who can accept him for who and what he is, without judgment or criticism.

      Anytime someone says, “But oh, HG, you can change” – as much as many here would like him to change and be “a better person” – those words are criticism. For a person like HG, that’s like saying, “Well, you’re okay the way you are, I suppose, but if you did this and this and this, just imagine how much BETTER you can be!”

      In other words, the way he is now is flawed and wrong and nasty and unacceptable. He has to try harder, do more, be more, etc in order to gain favour with people who don’t like who and what he is now and would like to see him change to suit their own definition of what an acceptable, good human being is.

      (HG, I apologize for talking about you as though you are not reading this. I trust you understand my reason for responding in this manner, since I am responding to Miss_Stress’ comment, which I whole-heartedly agree with).

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      1. You in two words. Have a negative and destructive attitude. Let him heal his disorder as he wishes and can. I suppose you also want to heal yours and find someone that accompanies you in the healing path.
        We all need to heal and better if accomoanied by somebody who lets you heal at your rhythm and way.

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      2. Thank you Blood and thunder…I believe in accepting someone’s as they are without trying to change them. It is all I ask and I know what it feels like it to receive such.

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      3. Typo, meant it say I know what it is like to not receive such. You are correct, people change for themselves if they feel they need to, they do not change for others. No one should ask another to change, if they love them. Acceptance is the only true route.

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      4. Nikita – I think you misunderstood what I was writing and thought I was criticizing HG when in fact, I was not.

        Negative and destructive! Clearly you`re aware that flattery will get you everywhere! 😉

        I am saying that those who seek to change him are essentially sending that message. That`s not how I feel about HG or his kind at all. I adore them for who and what they are. Openly and honestly.

        I hope you are well. Do take care.

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      5. Hi BT

        I did not misunderstand and I am not flattering anyone. I am commenting on your comment. It is doublesided like a coin. Could be interepreted in one way or another, and I dont like those type of comments.
        You apologized which adds to the fact that your comment can be seen either or.

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      6. I forgot two things BT

        Take care you too and by the way 😃. I am not just flattery. When I dont feel it I dont say it and when I feel somethig I domt agree with I also say it. I also have my opinion.

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      7. Oh but you do flatter me, like it or not, sweet one.

        My apology was to HG because I wrote my comment as though he was not reading it. Nothing more.

        I understand now, you don`t like me saying that HG needs to be loved as he is because you`re one of the ones who holds on to hope that one day he wakes up a changed man. Or you think you could be the one to change him.

        I am one of the ones who adores him for exactly who and what he is. At least I am honest. 🙂

        Once again, we agree to disagree. What fun!

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      8. Yes it seems me and U will always disagree BT and will always misujderstand each other. I also love him as he is. With the bright and the dark side. He can change his behavviours as he wants and chooses to according to the Docs.
        Its him talking about the docs not me. What I do desire for him its lots of selflove and the the possibility to to feel positive emotions because its beautiful and would decrease the void. But its my wish for him, . Ive read other Ns wishing that for themselves. he doesnt have to change that.
        If he doenst want.
        I wish for HG to change what he finds conveninet for him from his treatment and writings. Thats it.

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  9. Ohhh HG how beautiful. I agree with Bethany. You are the master and you can get to the other side where you master the main dysfunctional behaviours of NPD.
    You can do it ❤️❤️😘
    You have the wareness, the will, the knowledge.. Its hard but step by step you will reach the top.

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  10. You are so gifted as a writer. I put myself in your shoes while reading and it was agonizing…those shoes had pointy toes and 5 inch heels. Ouch. For what it is worth, I wish you are able to wear comfy shoes someday. Lame but oh well.

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    1. No you’re not looking for absolution
      Forgiveness for the things you do
      But before I come to any conclusion
      I’ll try walking in your shoes
      And stumble in your footsteps.

      I’m glad we live thousands of miles away HG.

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      1. One of my favourite DM songs. Here’s a slice of lyrics concerning your last sentence 1Jaded.

        ‘Cause I’m leaving on a jetplane, don’t know when I’ll be back again.

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      1. Pre or post Prada takeover? I’m not surprised you’d wear classics.

        Well played re leaving on a jet plane. Don’t forget to turn off your cell phone, too. Oh the irony of that song considering the singer died in a plane crash.

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  11. It is hard life for both sides! This is a spiritual warfare & you are the soldiers, that is the purpose for your kind. but you have the upper hand because your kind is a very authentic part of this slavery factory Matrix & we are the invaders! keep going, your changing human history!

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  12. No matter what happens, HG – with or without people. You will never sink into nothingness. Never. You have the gift of life and a soul. I also believe you have a Guardian Angel who watches over you during your darkest times, as we all do. Believe in yourself, always.

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  13. I read somewhere that the older the narcissistic the less effective they are starting for 50 and up. Does anyone know this to be true. Also, years of psychotherapy, and medications that treat depression could lead to healing and changing the mind to retrain their thoughts to think about the harm that their actions cause. Additionally, it said the likelihood of them seeking help is rare because with the high self and grandiose thoughts of false self. But, some may agree due to lack of admiration (fuel) go into depression which will cause them to seek assistance. Any thoughts???

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    1. Hello Entertainment, there is a school of thought that the behaviours become less as the N ages. I have seen this in reality and also have witnessed it not happening either. Of course, this is entirely anecdotal and not empirical and I doubt such statistically reliable information will exist.
      Yes depression is something which may happen to our kind as a consequence of the loss of fuel and a waning of the powers. It is not something that I have experienced.

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      1. Thanks HG,

        I have witnessed the depression with a lesser narc. He didn’t have the resources to move once he burned his bridged with everyone he sought-after treatment for depression. The therapist sent him to group treatment there he was able to garner fuel however the group ended in 6 week. The medication left him in a trance like state of mind.

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    2. Oh no- what I have heard is just the opposite. Depression meds can make narcs worse, if you consider the focusing effects some psych meds have. By calming the ever-churning thoughts in one’s head, some depression meds – probably ADHD meds as well – can help the narc focus and “multitask” on seeking out and managing fuel sources more efficiently than ever.
      And getting better with age? That too is a myth- at least according to what I’ve read and observed. As age takes its toll and the admiration he is used based on his looks begins to dcline, a narc will feel rage as this is something beyond his control…to an extent. I know HG has said that Greaters can take measures (Botox? Hair plugs?) to combat effects of ageing, though.

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      1. I experienced it on a personal level and maybe the change was the combination of age, psychotherapy, medication, and the fact he’s a lesser.

        Although no psychiatric medications are specifically approved for the treatment of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), patients often benefit from the use of such medications to help alleviate certain symptoms associated with this disorder or to manage concomitant axis I diagnoses. Medications that may be considered include antidepressants (specifically, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors [SSRIs]), antipsychotics, and mood stabilizers.

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  14. Thank you for such an insightful post HG. I find it difficult to put myself in your place because I am working toward self love.

    What struck me most was the juxtraposition of how Powerful you want to world to see you and yet you give your Power away to strangers, minions and others that you see as lesser allowing them to determine your worth.

    I can identify with that as an empath, that was me, but I am learning to take back my power and to determine my own worth. I will find my strength in love, in the unconditional love of myself and the love I freely give to others. I hope that one day you are able to do the same.

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  15. Aaahhh, Midnight in the Garden (your mind) of good and Evil. I do love to walk with you there. No don’t hold my hand, you may snap my fingers off like greenbeans!

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  16. When I started reading first time on Yiur blog and first time since a very long time my eyes filled up with tears and they streamed dowb my cheeks…. I don’t need to imagine. ..half of these things I felt as a young woman… half of it was me… then I felt that pain again… in the middle of my chest… I am half of that …I am half of You..Yet I cannot live the way You have to live… the other empathetic half is so much stronger now… and I locked the first half deep in my cellar…. Thank You for reminding me who I am…♡

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  17. This is the post I read EVERY day and no matter how often I will still not be able FULLY imagine that pain . only part of it , You know why… I tried so many months… it is impossible. Now I’d like to say that having so much life behind You I admire the courage and the persistence in You as most of people would give up and break up… end up in Mental Hops. or commit suicide. You are MAGNIFICENT and please oh please provide me with the phone number of Your matrinarc so I can yell all good stuff about to Her!!

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  18. “Imagine being wounded by the words and actions of others” well I being wounded but my pain is nothing compared to Yours… if You could give me 1 hint, only 1 HOW NOT TO ever WOUND You dear G, what would that be ??

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      1. That’s mean … better if I did not exist… because everything (without me doing anything ) would criticise You… 🙁 not clever enough… not beautiful enough… not rich enough… etc etc. 😔

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  19. I am wondering on that post sometimes few times a day like today…and have a question again… my dear G. did You not want to run away from Your family home as a child sometimes because of the abuse? I understand that sometimes that’s impossible or not desirable by a victim of abuse but if You could turn back the time, would You? and another question (pardon me if any of them has been answered already here)… and of course feel free not to answer if it’s too painful or I don’t deserve to know but… was/is Your sister aware of Your sexual abuse? much love to You ❤❤❤

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    1. I did not need to run away because I found a different way of dealing with it. If I could turn back time, I would not have run away, I am not designed to run away from things.
      No she did not know.

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  20. another question my dear… do You think prince Charles is a narcissist? I do apologise for thousands of comments and questions but well..You’ve invited me to do so 😉

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  21. I’m not sure if I have already asked … somewhere here but these shades and trauma… C-PTSD symptoms You have sometimes being triggered… did You know and would You consider a hypnosis to get rid of that traumatic memories if You could? I’ve researched a lot recently about it and I know it’s possible…. It would be possible for You to get rid of that pain n trauma in your memories…. Have You ever discussed that with Your doctors my dear? Would You consider it my dear?

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    1. Good afternoon dear. I’d love to know Your point of view regarding above comment please at some point in the future. Have a great powerful day ❤

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      1. this one above in moderation :
        I’m not sure if I have already asked … somewhere here but these shades and trauma… C-PTSD symptoms You have sometimes being triggered… did You know and would You consider a hypnosis to get rid of that traumatic memories if You could? I’ve researched a lot recently about it and I know it’s possible…. It would be possible for You to get rid of that pain n trauma in your memories…. Have You ever discussed that with Your doctors my dear? Would You consider it my dear?

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      2. during hypnosis the core traumatic memories could be amended or the effect of them on You (feeling hurt and at war and keeping them at bay) could vanish. Please promise me You will ask the doctors about it. I know it’s a new method to deal with PTSD and cPTSD and it could help anyone deal with the memories which were traumatic. ❤

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  22. I’m gonna be cheeky and forgive me that please but You’ve mentioned that You only experience anticipation not hope… well I believe the feeling is same … “Imagine the hope, the expectation and the desire for the new arrival to prove to be the saviour.”

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  23. I’ve watched very interesting movie yesterday Pygmalion based on Shaw’s play. I had a chance to see that play in my country of origin. The main character remeinded me so of You dear G…. Have You ever had chance to see it?
    in the meantime I’ve found out that Pygmalion was a Cyprus king in Greek mythology who has created a statue so beautiful that he fell in love with her…

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  24. I’ve wrote this comment earlier (February 2016 archive), but probably you decided not to publish it. No problem. I don’t mind. But I want to repeat those words, so I’ll just copy my previous comment…

    ”If you knew what we truly were you would not offer your perfect love to us but we want it”.

    Perhaps, the initial knowledge of who you TRULY are (provided personally by Narc in the beginning of relationship) might have the quite opposite effect. Don’t underestimate empaths… In that case, your chance to meet the “one” becomes more real.

    “We come and take the love to which we are not entitled…”.

    Why on earth not entitled, Tudor?
    Do you know what hides inside of Narc? I bet, you do. Human with a lot of painful and bleeding wounds…

    What are the first questions do you have in mind seeing those wounds? “How could he/she live having all of this? Why did he/she not give up having all of this?”

    And answers are very simple – because of his/her internal strength, because of his/her powerful desire to live, because he/she is a warior. Someone weak would end his/her life (alcohol, narcotics, suicide), but not this person standing in front of you. Not this warior.

    And this is very enough entitlement to get respect and love. For who you really are. Not for various achievements, but for THAT amazing strength and desire to continue to live no matter what. But you have to show these wounds and then empath will do his/her job. It will be absolutely different level of relationship, based on truth and trust, and at this time the empath’s admiration and love will be genuine.

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  25. HG, I can’t understand that when narcissists know that keep doing the same thing (ground hog day) they will keep getting the same results . Even if it’s a narc that doesn’t even know what they are or why they do it . They still recognise that these patterns always end the same . Surely there must be something in there , that is a slight wake up call even in the smallest way . I do think they are mentally ill but they are not so mentally ill that they have no awareness ?

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      1. HG, that doesn’t make sense because you say you never want partners to leave so you don’t want to achieve that ?

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