Mirrored

 

Mirrors are important to me. Dr E passed me a mirror and asked me to look into it I was happy to oblige. I noticed my lips looked full and inviting, my complexion was clear and my eyes bright. I smoothed down my eyebrows with a finger and adjusted my hair slightly and then again until I was satisfied. I looked a while longer and content I looked great I lowered the mirror. Dr E asked me who I saw when I looked in the mirror. I frowned and told him I see myself. He asked how many mirrors I have at home. I explained there was one in every room and two in the master bedroom and the bathroom. He asked why so many. I said it ensured that I could always check my appearance so I always looked smart and attractive. Plus they make rooms look bigger don’t they?

He invited me to look into the mirror once again. I was happy to oblige. He said, “I want you to keep looking into the mirror until I tell you to stop.” I nodded by way of confirmation and sat with the mirror in my hands as I looked at my reflection. I kept looking and Dr E said nothing. I glanced at him and he instructed me to keep my gaze on the mirror and keep it there. I did as he instructed and continued to look seeing myself staring back at me. The minutes passed and still I continued to look into the mirror and Dr E remained silent. Suddenly, I threw the mirror to one side as I emitted a strangled gasp. It hit the floor and shattered. Dr E did not jump or start.

“Why did you do that?” he asked in his usual measured tone.

“I didn’t like what was looking back at me,” I blurted out before I made for the door.

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127 thoughts on “Mirrored”

  1. I talk to myself as I look into the mirror and there are times I am not pleased who is looking back at me.

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  2. HG, if you did not like what you saw, can you work on this to change this perspective? Would you want too? Keep looking HG, look past that demon. You are in there.

    I talked to the N for about five hours this week. It was ten steps forward for me. I heard his disconnect and I heard how he devalued his latest victim. Today he was on his way to meet a new one for “coffee”.
    But remember I am the one he loves……………….because I really know him, he told me all his secrets with more each time I listen. An unfortunate love, non-exsisting love.

    There was a time when I would be so heavy in my heart and this is when I would look in the mirror and ask who was this women looking back and she was so broken, I did not know her. Now I can look and the mirror and thank this beautiful woman looking back at me with a most amazing smile and eyes that sparkle and are full of life and mischief.

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    1. Hello Stephanie. Can I work on this? This is indeed part of the work with the good doctors. Yes I would want to make that change so that I do not see her, at least, so I do not see her in that way with all of the connotations and innuendo that accompanies it.
      It appears that what you see in your own mirror denotes considerable progress.

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  3. We are each other’s mirrors, when we show you who you are and you see it through us, it is then we are expendable.
    When you mirror our traits to become One with us. And all feels golden and true.
    Looking into a mirror as Dr E suggested is an exercise in self esteem and self love. To truly see see and accept who you see. It is not surprising it expressed itself the way It did for you. Can you not simply see past Your reflection in the mirror. As if Gazing into a void.

    I have many mirrors in my home as well. Three in my bedroom.
    When dancing at clubs, I enjoy dancing near the mirrors on the wall or pillars or stage. I recall a man I was dancing with asked me, are you going To dance with me or your self? I didn’t even realize I was facing the mirror, not him.
    I have no issue looking or staring at my reflection, I am good with who and what I am. I am not conceited or egotistical. As a matter of fact I can be quite critical of myself. No one has ever accused me of being vain
    I am assuming the mirror did not break HG? I suppose you are not superstitous either?
    As an aside, that mirror image is beautiful.i would love To have that mirror.

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    1. Yes the mirror did break because I threw it to one side. No I am not superstitious.

      I could see past my reflection, it was that which I saw looking back at me which caused my reaction.

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      1. I see, HG. Thank you for the clarification. I wonder if everyone I come across with in this universe sees me too when looking in their mirror.

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  4. Dear Simon Barsinister,
    Speaking of mirrors,
    What do you think of the whore/Madonna syndrome that some Narcs have? I know that that was a non-sequiter, but shhhh, maybe no one will notice…yes I am doing it in public! Cue Gett Off by Prince, hey that’s relevant. It talks of mirrors and tongue tornadoes, look away children 😜 Hit Me HG!

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      1. 😛So basically I’m not smart enough to remember that and go back and RE-READ it dummkopf. Got it. Thank you kind sir for putting me back in the box. 😍

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      2. HG,
        My soul purpose is to please you. Can’t you see that? Said all hearts and flowers like and with smitten eyes…oh swoon. 💙💚💛💜

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    1. I shall ask again. What needs to change for you to like what you see and feel content? Wasn’t a trick question.

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      1. Oh here we go…yes, add never patient or accommodating enough to my list above!

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      2. MLA, do you know she is? Did Hg disclose this in one of the blog articles or books, I have yet to read? I have my own vague ideas of who it is. HG do you think you will let the rest of know who haunts you so dreadfully and consumes your being in such past guilt?

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      3. It’s Mummie Dearest. I interpreted him not being able to cope feeling defeated by her causing him to throw the mirror.

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      4. At first I thought you meant a blog article. Entitled that. I originally thought his mother, then my mind when elsewhere. My mother does appear occasionally OnlY dreams and my childhood home is the main location of many dreams of mine. Only sleeping visions haunt me.
        I am sorry HG, such sights must be horrific to endure.
        Thank you MLA.

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    2. At its most obvious I do not want to see her looking back at me. I don’t want to banish the memory because that would be wrong, but it is when she catches me off guard and looks at me that, it is accusing and I do not want to see that and all that is associated with that accusation.

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      1. Thank you for explaining. I’m sorry it turns into her. My reflection in the mirror is for me and all about my personal space, so I had difficulty relating to that scenario with the doctor.

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      2. Is it the one who left you when you were children ? The one you blame yourself for having left, You see her as a formation of your own latent guilt. Do you really think she is looking at you in blame HG, or is it really your imagination and false recollection and memory of that time. Children often recall situations differently.
        I have one such memory from my childhood. My maternal grandmother lived with us till she died, I was eight at time. She took pills, at the time I did not know what for then, but later was told for a heart condition.
        I recall, she asked me to bring her pills to her room, to take two pink pills from the Bottle and bring them with glass of water. I got the glass of water and placed it on A tray and then removed two pills and put them on tray as well. While walking with tray and heading up the stairs, one of the pills fell from the Tray and I couldn’t find it, despite looking.
        I took the tray to my grandmother, my twin sister was upstairs and asked me to go out and play. So, I went outside with her. This is my last memory I can recall of my grandmother before she died. I blamed myself as a child for her death, because I lost one of her heart pills and never told her. I carried that guilt for years. My mother allowed me to carry that guilt. When she made me attend the open casket funeral and standing by the casket looking at my grandmother, I was flooded in guilt and tears and years of subsquent nightmares. As children, blame is so easily and wrongfully etched upon minds and souls.
        My point is HG, please rethink the memory and the image that haunts you and break that mirror figuratively next time. With a silent, be gone !! We cannot live with this guilt that burdens us from our Innocent childhood years. Please release it, as I am Sure she would release you from it. If she could. Imagine her looking at you with love and friendship and not scorn and blame , next time.
        On that note HG! I wish you freedom from such Visions and memories and beasts that lurk within.

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      3. It is part the one who left and part the one who very much remained. I do not blame myself, I was blamed. Repeatedly. I know that I am being looked at it in blame and there is no false recollection because what followed has been imprinted in my mind although I do my best to keep it locked away. Thank you for your kind wishes.

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      4. You being the part that remained. I am pleased you do not blame yourself, that you recognize your are blameless there. Is it her or your mother who blames you or both…as she cannot blame you in reality, only in memory and your own mind? If you understand that you are not blame would it not be better to face it and expel it from your mind? Or is the memory too painful to face, I hope through therapy this is a focus for your own well being.
        Thank you so much for answering me in my questions. I so appreciate any response you afford to me and in doing so better my own understanding of your kind and myself, in attracting you kind to me.

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  5. I am sorry. I read the first time and the comments. I want you hug you but theres that touching thing which hinders both of us…plus the fact that we are thousands of miles away. Mirrors reveal the depths of the soul which is why i see nothing looking back at me. You still have one. Dr E is intelligent.

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    1. God dang I’m behind! First I find out everyone else knows his age, now his eyes are blue….how did I miss this memo? Are we sure he’s a he? Is he tall? Is he really British? Come on people (HG) spill it!! Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the top choice of them all? There was a rumble Dumble 5 minutes it lasted…..the mirror said you are you conceited bastard….(calm down they are song lyrics).

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      1. Nikita…..how come I’m missing these memos? 6″1. He is a he. You could only really know that’s true if you know him. Is this the case, You lucky duck??

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      2. Dear 2mpathetic, i remember his email finishes at 09 (if i remember well hehhe)
        So it s either 1979 or 1969

        P.s. why does this curiosity exist?….😨
        I am really indifferent. No need to know any of info except for
        1) great talent in writing and choosing pics 2) bastard 3) can serve as a source of info 4) for any other inquiries check p.2

        Who cares which eyes or age or height…

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      3. What if it is 1909 and I am 107? Or 1959 or 1989?

        1. Thank you. 2. Not in the illegitimate sense. 3. I am the source of information. 4. Ha ha.

        Who cares? Why, don’t you want to recognise me Yo when I come looking for you?

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      4. Because naturally after having his words play in our heads, we all want to put a face to it!! Plus he’s dropped his full kissable lips, his Olympian stamina in the sheets and basically being a tall drink of water who could seduce anyone so it would be interesting to see if he’s the real 007 deal or what’s lurking under Darth Vader’s mask.

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      5. Um…I was back yesterday morning but my comment is still under moderation….So out of boredom, sure let’s toss around light sabres again. I’m sure you have the biggest and brightest. Lol

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      6. Thank you 2empathetic. They are my team. Do you watch hockey?

        I think 47 this year. I wouldn’t bet anything on it though. In the end it doesn’t matter, but it is fun to guess.

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      7. 1J1,
        Are they your team because u live there or because they are the best team ever. Or both ? Remember though this information could be used against u later by nefarious types that frequent this site. They make files, books and lists….heehaw.

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      8. I hardly doubt I’m premium fuel for HG. I’m native to Detroit. I love the wings. I was a fan when they were horrible and will always be one. I’ve worked in Chicago and felt the pain of their cup wins. Do you like hockey?

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      9. Good morning 1j1,
        U R premium just not fuel then. I feel backlash coming from complementing others. I do like hockey, I like the action. We can have hawckey tawlk (NY accent). Although HG would see that as attention going to someone other than himself and into spam infinity comments would go. Lol

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      10. If you promise to let me hear you say “hawkcey tawlk” and say these phrases in a similar way, I shall allow the banter and bask in the knowledge that I brought you together.
        1. The chief’s got city hall on his back.
        2. Call Kowalski, he’s the only one who can crack this case.
        3. I am going to New York. For coffee.
        4. You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
        5. This is new news. I like it.

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      11. HG aka Hilarious Guy..and look at quick I respond…(file) Thank you matchmaker (of friends in this case), I could tell this was a dating site. Although you’re the only prospect and we are like the Bachelorettes. So I guess since you’re not 22 this is more like that show the dating game forum.
        I will promise to say them whispered in your ear in exchange for stab wound or personal choice response. I’ll be in New York at the end of September.

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    2. It is all fun to imagine, but we don’t really know anything, do we? He could be a she..? He can hire a variety of actors that do voiceovers ( I grew up doing them ) for the videos… Blue eyes? Male? Female? British? Truth ? We can never be sure…. The fantasy is fun but what is the reality?

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      1. We all may be part of a group study… A research project…. H.G’s doctors may be ours.. 😊 It’s been the greatest help I could ever imagine…

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      2. I dont fantasize alot. I assumed what is written here is true. Gender and basic like that for sure yes. Its not fantasy, its my heart telling me that HG is a man and has blue eyes and is British. This is true . But I will let you know when I find out for real

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  6. What did you see, HG? Did you see the beast, did you see an empty void, did you see a shattered portrait, did you see an aging “you”, did you see all the eyes you sunk your teeth into, what was it you didn’t like?

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    1. I have to admit when I read your message CC I immediately thought of the film Trainspotting and the scene where Renton and Sickboy are in the park with an air rifle and binoculars scanning the view.
      “Do you see the beast? Do you have it in your sights?” asked Sickboy adopting a Sean Connery accent.
      That aside I saw her.

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  7. I think i read this article before (not sure though).
    If so, what was the outcome of this session?
    How did it help?

    Btw (apart of remuneration), what is the purpose of sessions which doctors announce?
    If NPD is not curable, what could be an outcome (i guess to increase awareness of a patient “who he is and which consequences it has to other” doesnt lead to any result except for making his machinations more acute).

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    1. Hello Yo, yes you will have done. The outcome was that I knew that she sill remained there and still had such an overpowering effect on me which I do not care for at all.
      They are looking to achieve awareness and in turn ascertain what might be achieved in order to lessen the effects of what I must do on myself and those caught up in my actions.

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  8. It makes me want to weep HG, that seeing your mother in you reflected should cause you such a violent, panic-stricken reaction.

    Our parents should provide us with the blueprint on which to base ourselves and our lives. It is sad when the defects of our upbringing perpetuate through the generations. I doubt this suffering began with your mother.

    But you have the awareness and the strength
    to change that and to break the cycle. That is also the battle in which I am engaged. I pray that we both win the war.

    I read an interesting article the other day about how a mother’s influence affects their children and this quote in particular resonated with me.

    “A child should never feel as if they need to earn a mother’s love. This will leave a void in their heart all of their life.”

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      1. Well, off the top of my head I think you might have seen your mother. From what you’ve said it sounds like she was a narcissist and you internalized her voice to resolve cognitive dissonance (her not approving of you). In essence you had to become her in order to survive. Your true self, the real HG, is sleeping most of the time (just sleeping, not dead!) woke up for a moment and recognized her countenance in your mask.
        Playing amateur psychologist her–I have no idea what I’m talking about really, but that’s the scenario that played out in my mind. How does it feel to you? Like BS or that I might be onto something?

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      2. She is a narcissist, LO, there is no doubt about that. I understand what you are suggesting and you are partially correct with regards to your opening sentence.

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      3. Thanks, HG. I always appreciate the thoughtfulness in your replies to the questions you get. I really think you are making progress. Tell me, HG, be honest: do you want to become a non-narcissist one day? Do you want to reach a point where you no longer need fuel because you will truly love yourself and not just your mask?

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  9. Just watched the video that was posted on the thread . As much as HG is a great source of information to me and I’m grateful for the blog . HG is also so patient and polite with all my silly questions 😄. I have to say the video posted on this thread has got to be pantomime surely !!! The really is the delusions of a Narcissist, particularly the ending . The delusion is that they can not face that everyone gets over them , moves on , finds happiness and chalks it down to a learning curve eventually . The narcissist is to be pitied . Specially when some of them do have so much going for them and yet their lives are like ground hog day and they never find happiness. They have to delude themselves that all their victims are forever in love with them . Just as their whole sense of self is a delusion . I would love it if HG and his doctors had a break through that really would be astonishing for all generations present and to come . To not suffer this awful affliction and sickness. As for some of the narcs and so called nearly nearly narcs on these threads !!! Some of the comments are like something from a cheap horror movie from the 70’s really our beyond ridiculous . There will be vampires on here next or weir wolves. I have visions of those furry things from Carry on Screaming with Finela Fielding directing 😜 If I’m not banned after this comment , I will continue to enjoy HG’s posts and learn

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    1. Your questions are not silly, you are seeking to understand and I recognise and respect that. Carry on Screaming is an entertaining film although I have not watched it for some time. I have no reason to ban you by the way.

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    2. Hi Lisa
      Are you referring to HG or reader comments as farcical ? It may be difficult to relate to others experiences with narcissists in their lives, if you have not had such a relationship. But, I can assure you it can be and is surreal at times and frightening and hurtful in the emotional and physical sense of abuse. As well. Narcissists are emotional vampires, sans Bram Stoker.
      Try to retain an open mind in how others express their experiences and pain and move forward in their healing. In doing so, if you have also had or are involved in such a relationship, there is immense value in learning here.
      Everyone has varying experiences, opinions and expressions of self. Try to stay focused On that which benefits you most in your healing, if that is why you are here, as well.Having an open mind and sense of humour is always quite helpful.

      You citing your questions a silly, stood out to me, as D always called me silly. Silly for questioning, for doubting, for not trusting, for thinking the way I did. D’ s use of the word silly was to keep me down, ie, you silly girl you, how dare you challenge me, correct me, criticize ..ME. I always knew how he meant it,, I am sure the fact I feigned that knowledge and pretended it was sweet and adorable usage of the word, further incensed D. I never allowed him to know it bothered me.

      HG is right, there are no silly questions. That is good HG you emphasized such ASAP.

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      1. Hi Miss_Stress, thank you for your comment . I take it very seriously I just spent 2 years with a NPD / Borderline and only split 11 weeks ago . It is only during this split that I have realised that he has these personality disorders . I take it very seriously and have suffered greatly and still do , everyday unfortunately . I completely understand the term emotional vampire and wonder if the author of Count Dracula was in fact a N or the author of Jekyll & Hyde . All I meant was that it is a serious affliction so I tend to ask lots of questions to learn and my questions may seem silly to more experienced people on the subject . However I think it’s wrong to romanticise it in anyway . I respect HG for his insight and patience and knowledge I do not however hero worship his affliction or the things he has and will do to anything and anybody , given the chance .

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      2. Thank you Lisa, I don’t see all the posts so I apologize as I may have missed the introductory one.
        I am sorry you have suffered and continue to do so. I wish you an expedited healing.
        I agree, romanticizing the disorder is a disservice to ones self. But, as well often those who do are suffering a varying form of disorder concurrent with that of the narcissist. I posed a question to HG days ago, regarding the co dependent personality and the covert narcissist personality.

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    3. Lisa what you say is very true.
      But HG being the master teacher, the one who gave us the knowledge to change the path of our lives and hope for a better future, will not have the fate you describe above. He deserves and will find true love and happiness just like all the followers of this blog desire for themselves. ❤️❤️😍🌔🙏🏻

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      1. Well I hope so nikitalondon although I’m not sure if some want to be cured . Even HG if he was offered a tablet that he could swallow and simply be cured , would he want that tablet ??? I’m not so sure

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      2. Yes I sense from his writings that he wants. Besides I do think all want. I read many comments from people who had NPD and they pleaded life to be cured. Painful to read.

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  10. P.s. i think i asked about Outcome from sessions with doctors which doctors announce as a purpose of sessions (apart from remuneration), taking into account that the defect u have is not curable

    But havent seen neither the post nor the answer..

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      1. Snap it up H…..the natives are restless and we are figuring out who you really are….if we band together..anything is possible…ANARCHY!

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  11. Nikita, how can you state a definitive response such as ” I am sure”, if you have never seen, nor met HG in person and do not know him outside this blog? Is that what you mean physically, you never seen him in person, Persay? All you can really state, is I think, I gather or I assume, et cetera
    How do you ” know” that the voice you hear is not one of the lieutenants recording such things to make you think such? In that case, location and nationality may be false as well.
    One can only assume, he is a he, he has blue eyes and he is 6’1 and English…because he said so and well…narcissists never lie or fabricate, do they? Even HG has said himself everything is false and an illusion. Seeing, is believing.
    Now for the N in my life, all the above are true, because I know him. So I can unequivocally state all as fact. As you do not know HG, you can only assume such.
    I thought a clarification and reality check was in order for all. Recall everyone, it is a facade. There with a grain of salt, go I 😏
    NO offence HG, I couldn’t care less what look you like. It is of no consequence to me, the color of your eyes, such is superficial and unrelated to your exceptional skill and ability. I just appreciate you for what you do and give to us all and yes, for who you are.

    It only concerns me the uncanny similarities you cite of Yourself in all ways to him…which harkens me back to the concept alters. Which I have tried to void from my mind after previously having discussed such On the blog many months ago, around disassociation.
    I just prefer to take him as you and think no more on the matter.

    Are you still moderating all my posts from Several days ago? I am patient, acquiring new skills is fantastic. If so , carry and I am sure I will see them and your responses eventually.
    Thank you.

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      1. You are not who, HG? Are you referencing me or Nikita? I don’t think I stated you were anyone at present, I referred to in the past. Then when so many co incidences and similarities occur it makes me think of HIM. Why are you mentioning this again? I am aware you are not HIM in respects to me, that is. I am clarifying I know him personally so I can make any statement regarding him and it will be factual.
        For clarification purposes, or are you staying you are not a him? As in gender? Or maybe this message was in response to another reader. Just covering all bases to make sure.
        If responses was for me, then thank you. I am aware.

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      2. I am referencing you. Your message read to suggest I am him. I am mentioning it because you raised it. I am male, I am re-iterating that I am not the person you are/were involved with.

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      3. Okay, sorry my message confused you. Probably because I write so much. Thank you for Explaining. I know you are not him, maybe I should proof read my replies, I see a typo in there that may have lended to your confusion. My apologies HG.

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      4. I am dizzy for the circles…slap own hand for creating confusion by my darn typo. I shall modify how I word such things for now on. Thank you again HG.

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      5. Also, maybe I shouldn’t use him to refer to “him”, which might suggest the him, is you and not him. I will use his first initial in future when referencing “him” or D. My apologies again for any ambiguity in my message. Thank you for posting and for reply.

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    1. The sentence should have read…I prefer to take you as you and think no more on the matter. Sorry for confusion, cursed typos. No wonder you thought I thought you were him(D).

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