I Love You (And I Always Have)
This is a well-used phrase by our kind and is wheeled out with regularity during love-bombing. At face value and of course that is how you will take it because you are in the midst of a veritable whirlwind of compliments, flattery and passion, this seems a straight forward enough comment to make. However there is far more to it than meets the eye. Just as we operate from a different perspective to you, we also utilise language in a different way and one of the key ways of tackling our kind is to understand what we are REALLY saying when we use these delicious phrases and appealing comments.
So, what do my kind really mean when we say “I love you and I always have”?
My need to seduce you is considerable and therefore I will use language which will appeal to you and be so outlandish that it will blow you away. I do not actually love you. I do not love in the way that you do. I understand that the closest I come to it is infatuation. I am not in fact infatuated with you but more precisely with what you can do for me. My needs are paramount. Yours are largely irrelevant. I write irrelevant because I do take them into account during the seduction but after that they are thrown to one side, but that is something different and not the purpose of explaining what I mean when I say the above phrase to you.
I say I love you and mean I am infatuated with you. I am infatuated with three things that you will give me through my successful seduction of you.
- Fuel, the most important item;
- Useful traits which I can apply to my construct and parade as my own achievement, characteristics and accomplishments to make me appear even more attractive to you and other people (and thus get more fuel); and
- Residual benefits such as a roof over my head or getting you to pay for things.
I want those three things. I want the fuel most of all but the other two matter as well. To get those things I need to seduce you. To seduce you I need to say things like this, grand statements which will amaze you and sweep you off your feet. Why will it have this effect? Well, because you are a love devotee. As an empathic individual one of your traits is that you are a love devotee. This means you belief very much in the concept of love, how love is wonderful, how love can conquer all, how love crosses any boundary and love is amazing, splendid and the best thing in the world. I know you are a love devotee because I have studied you before I approached you. With this knowledge I know that making a statement like the one above will resonate with you considerably for the following reasons: –
- As a believer in love you want to hear that someone loves you;
- You want this love to be grand, sweeping and extraordinary. By explaining that I have always been in love with you, I achieve this. It is a statement which conjures up images in your mind’s eye of me waiting for years before I picked my moment to tell you, of me sitting with my love burning away and how you have never noticed. It appeals to you to think in such terms. It is romantic and glorious.
- I will have plausibility on my side. I may know you already as we may be friends or colleagues. I may be a neighbour. I may be your therapist even. If I do not know you in detail, we may know each other by sight and the occasional hello from attending the same gym or such like. You may not know me but I will generate (fabricate) a back story that I have watched you from the coffee shop every day as you walk past (once I have established that you do so) and I have been in love with you. This plausibility overcomes any natural hesitance you may have. The immensity of the love factor in this statement will overcome any slight scepticism you may have, that having been eroded already by the plausibility.
Saying this statement is a direct shot at your heart and is part of the harpoon strike that we engage in when we are seducing a victim.
It is not true however. We have chased plenty of people before you. We may have only set eyes on your two days ago and we do not love in the manner that you do. Everything about this statement is false, it serves our purpose to seduce you and to do so quickly.
To learn and understand more about what the narcissist really means when he says certain things to you, read DECIPHER : WHAT THE NARCISSIST REALLY MEANS
47 thoughts on “I Love You (And I Always Have)”
While reading Splintered Malice I had some thoughts: us who please can’t live without seeing or hearing people who are happy with our help etc. We thrive on that… and You could call it our fuel… the deeper I think the more I see how my auntie acted … people always called her a walking angel… then again I remember I restless I become when I’m i.e. ill or very poorly or even on holiday and therefore limited with serving, pleasing, helping etc… I absolutely hate being ill for that reason. Therefore very rarely I am cause I am so desperate and even if that happens it never last longer than day or two. I’m getting more poorly not being able to do anything to anyone that the only way is to get better.
Indeed Maddie and that is why you are attracted to our kind and why we hunt you down.
We both doomed then forever ..
If a narc has no empathy, then why is it that they know what is right and wrong. My X claims to be a man that is if God yet isn’t this against God and neighbor to purposely hurt people ? Thoughts please HG
I know right from wrong, I just have no mechanism to care about the effects of doing right or wrong. All that matters to me is whether the outcome serves a purpose to me. If it does, I may do the “right thing” if not, I will do the “wrong thing” to create a different outcome which then serves me. One can distinguish between right and wrong and not feel any concern about doing that which is considered “wrong”.
Thank you HG
You are welcome.
Narcissists do not like to be questioned or challenged, or made to think we know something is amiss In the relationship. Here is an exchange between us. Recall, I was with D four years. He always knew I asked questions. I am sure HG can see what was going on here, clearly.
Him: I loved you for six years.
Me: we have been together for four though.
Him : I knew you two years before that.
And then he would get defensive and say, why do you always do that, question or invalidate things I say. Don’t you think I might mean that I loved you before we were together?
Me: no actually I don’t think that.
HIm: Why do you have to be so difficult.
Me…because if you loved me in those two years then why didn’t I feel that or know that or why didn’t you communicate it to me, before six years then?
Him: am I the only romantic here?
Me: So, why do you love me again?
Him: good question.
Me: is that really your answer?
HIm: because I just do.
Me: I could rattle off twenty reasons right now why I love you.
HIm: so can I?
me: okay , let’s hear them.
HIm: I am tired. I will tell you them tomorrow.
Me: as I thought
Him: you know. I love you silly. I always tell you.
Me. yes, you do always tell me. Showing me would be nice as well.
HIm: how dont I show you I love you?
Me: let’s see….lying to me, long absences, ignoring me, telling me you will do something and nevr doing it.
Him: I don’t lie to you. You have trust issues and blame me for every man before me. I don’t ignore you, you know why I go away and you know how much I miss you when we can’t communicate.
Me: we can’t communicate because you purposely ignore me during those times and weild control over communcation.
Him: why do you have to be so selfish?
Me: I am being honest with you.
Him: anyways, goodnight, I love you.
Then, following again, an intentional absence, now known as the silent treatment. This exchange, was afterHoover between March and June 2016. When I felt he was preparing for another silent treatment which he denied. I ended it and went no contact not long after finding out more lies. He became defensive above because he didn’t have the answers to my questions. He thought just saying I love you was all he needed to do still. To secure and maintain my love and devotion. It just seemed to become a habit for him, a meaningless one at that.
He was wrong. Go figure. Hoover ignored, NO contact maintained.
Wow, that’s exactly how my narc would communicate with me, its amazing how they are all so MUCH ALIKE!!! How is that possible, blows my freaking mind still!!
I’d like to add that my ex would often convince me that all men were the same, all woman the same, I see now for him this was true. He would say it was silly to separate, because it would be the same no matter who he was with or who I was with, the only difference would be a different face, and we would have to start all over again, why do that? Yes this was all true….again..for him. I believed him too, and I still would after reading this blog, if it were not for my current relationship. I discovered that not all men are the same. MY current partner does not speak to me like your example Poetic me, he does not respond and say the same crap my ex did, he does not make me feel silly, nor does he ignore me or change the subject on me. As much as I need this information to keep me on high alert and to safe guard my heart is has been also useful for me to check list my current relationship, I am awfully aware that I am prone to repeat repeat, I think I have finally broke that cycle!
Thank you CC, I had asked HG to comment to help us understand the logic of their thinking, but he didn’t. Otherwise I would not have Posted personal dialogue. They like to turn it around to be our fault or to try to make us stop thinking or asking or trying to understand what they are doing to us. He was like this continually , when he wanted to avoid answering me. Hard On the head, and then some.
I evidently missed the request.
Okay, now you know, so what is your take on it all? Thank you.
On your exchange with him?
What do you think?
Precisely, thank you.
That made no sense.
So , HG can you determine in your ways and wisdom of a Narcissist, if D actually is one or is he of another nature. If you are able to scroll upward and read, that is.
I shall have a look and reply to your post at 2-22 where you reference having already posted it, when I get opportunity to do so.
Which post are you referring to by those dates? No hurry. Thank you HG.
Not the date. The time 2-22pm today. It is in moderation, I am holding it there to remind me to review the exchange and comment on it.
It isn’t in moderation…you posted it days ago. Okay, sorry, you are referring to another post in moderation.
Correct, it is your other post which is in moderation which I am keeping there to remind me to review the longer post.
Okay, I am sure I will receive a notification when ready. Thank you.
HG, I wrote this for Input on the dialogue and what you think HE was saying in the exchange…as when I wrote above, you will know what is going On here. As you always so throughly evaluate readers dialogue with N’s and offer such point by point valuable insight. That is why I submitted this for your perusal. My apologies for thinking you could comprehend what his words and intention would be and why he just didn’t say what he was thinking at the time, instead of being dismissive and evasive.
No need to apologise, it is not a case of me not being able to do it, I hadn’t realised you wanted me to do so, that’s why I said I must have missed that i.e.your request for me to provide you with my view. If you repost I will review.
Mine totally used this line on me, along with telling me he’s loved me from afar. I want to kick myself every time I think about how I fell for it!
YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL CRAZY…I AM BAFFLED…
Hello Sarah, what is baffling you?
Love is to give even if you dont receive , to put your needs second, to take the pain of the other one as yours, to umderstand, to be patient, to be friends, to change somebodies life in a positve way, to stumble together and get up together ❤️❤️❤️❤️😘😘
Love is a 4 letter word. So is soul. Time for the soap.
My ex kept saying marry me and you can have your freedom ! I finally ended it after 3 years of mind games manipulation and violent rages and extreme jealousy . Hoovering started , texts then emails so I went no contact . It’s been 8 weeks but still feel uneasy keep expecting him to do something out of the blue . Am I overthinking!
No. This is a combination of hyper vigilance which is common after an entanglement with our kind and it’s also the result of conditioning. It is early days yet so you need to maintain your defences as it’s likely he will Hoover.
My narc said he never really thought about beauty or what it looked like. But when he saw my picture, he thought this would be what i was it.
He did say he was falling in love with me. I told him he wasn’t and it was infatuation. So he changed it to ” I am falling in love with the possibility of (my name).
The feeling I have with you is like with my very first girlfriend from high school.
How you touch me is a gift. Blah blah blah.
Question: what do you mean by taking our characteristics into your construct? I know you mirror our traits back, but I suspect this is more than that. Could you clarify? Is this something where you pretend to be what we are professionally to others? So you learn the details of what we do to pretend you are like that too? Sort of like that movie “catch me if you can”?
Yes in a way that’s right. If I listen to you talk about your successes at athletics when younger, I will claim those successes as mine and use that when dealing with other people so they think I’m even better than I am. If someone has been to Lima and talks about it, I will claim to someone else I’ve been there and recount what the first person told as if it is my own experience. This is part of the reason why we lie so much. Must dash, I’ve a plane to pilot!
Oh, fly me to Lima!! Must see a macchu picchu before I die. Hopefully you paid attention to how to land 😉😉😉
Don’t be late HG, I’m still waiting. Fly safely.
My X always asked why I loved him so much, only once was he drunk did he leave a message saying I love you. What he would do would be to pick songs that say I love you and send to me during we hours of the night. When he was close to discard he would say he never remembered the songs and didn’t know what I was talking about. I lent him a $ 800 iPhone when I left he wouldn’t give back he said I gave to him. He used my SS # to reactivate I filed theft charges but dropped because his son is my pastor. I don’t think he will ever Hoover he was furious
I was thinking of the most creepy thing he ever said to me in the first stages of our relationship and looking back it was the biggest red flag ever! In stead of I love you, (because it was really to soon for that) he said “I deserve you.” Man alive!!!
Straight from the Book of Entitlement, Red Flag Number Four.
Just purchased Devil’s Toolkit!
Thank you CC, you are getting armed.
I have videos and emails I would like an expert to decipher, someday, on what the Narcissist was actually saying to me… I think I know, but I’d like an expert opinion.
Hello Tamara, today is your lucky day, you have come to the right place.