How Could You?
“How could you do this to me?”
“How could you sleep with my sister?”
“How could you just walk out on us like that and never even contact us for months?”
“How could you treat me like I didn’t exist?”
“How could you hit me when you say that you love me?”
“How could you get me into so much debt?”
“How could you stand by and let me suffer so badly?”
“How could you not see what you were doing?”
“How could you not understand what I was saying to you?”
“How could you tear us apart like this?”
“How could you say such awful, horrible things to me?”
“How could you? In our bed of all places?”
“How could you even look at yourself in the mirror after doing that?”
“How could you let me down in such a terrible way?”
“How could you destroy our family?”
“How could you not control yourself?”
“How could you do such a thing to your own children, for God’s sake?”
“How could you disappear like that?”
“How could you be so heartless?”
There is little doubt that you have asked one or more of the questions above, or a variation of those queries when dealing with our kind. Your question will have been asked in a heightened emotional state as your world collapsed and you struggled to comprehend that somebody could behave in such a manner. Nothing made sense anymore.
Everything you though that you knew had been torn up, re-written and trampled into the dirt. Your alarm, confusion and distress were considerable and your bewilderment and sheer astonishment that a human being could do such things only served to make your position even worse.
Whatever was said or done. No matter how morally bereft, ethically bankrupt or socially unacceptable the act. No matter the level of depravity, the depths to which we sunk and the new low we achieved, you found yourself asking this question. No matter what you did, what you gave and what you gave often, it mattered not one iota because you were left asking this question.
Invariably you received no explanation. Denial and deflection ruled the day. Perhaps there was some mumbled explanation or even a demonstration of false contrition by way of a Preventative Hoover, but whatever our response will have been, it will not have given you the truth of how we could have done those things.
We are able to say those things and commit those acts for several reasons.
- Golden Period. You were given the golden period. You were either spared the worst of our behaviour for a time period (usually the Lesser) or you were given the whole glorious illusion of love, passion and dizzying elation. You received this and you embraced it willingly. There is a price that comes with such largesse you know and now you are paying it through us behaving in such a manner as that which has caused you such distress.
- Entitlement. Who are you to challenge what we have done? Who do you think you are questioning us as to how we could have done those things? We are entitled to do as we please, when and how we like and you have to deal with that. Someone as great as us gets to behave as he wants and you ought to know better than to challenge us about it.
- Necessity. All we do is as is required by necessity. Whether it was to gain fuel, to punish you, to remind you of your position, to reinforce our superiority, to preserve the façade and so many other potential reasons, what we do is necessary and if that results in suffering for you, then that is how it must be. Our needs matter. Yours do not.
- No accountability. Linked to our sense of entitlement there can be no penalty, sanction or reprimand for our actions. We are immune from punishment or consequence. We do not even have to explain ourselves and therefore this allows us to proceed as we deem appropriate.
- No awareness. The Lesser or Mid-Range will not even be aware that what they have done is wrong or offensive since their perspective of the world is different to yours.
- No admission. The Greater knows what has happened is considered to be wrong by you, not that he cares and furthermore neither will he admit as such. To do so would be a sign of weakness and hand an advantage to you.
- You deserve it. You don’t function as you should any more. You have gone rogue and let us down. Accordingly, our response was entirely merited by punishing you.
- No conscience. There is no downside, no guilt or remorse in doing what we did. Therefore, we are untroubled by the import of your allegations.
- Fuel. We need it. Accordingly, everything is in play and anything can be done to acquire it.
How could you not realise all of this?
No wonder we get sick of you.
49 thoughts on “How Could You?”
This is such a wise response. Thank you!
Can you tell by a observing a video of a Narcissist if he is, indeed, a Narcissist, despite how otherwise convincing he is to everyone else? Or, could you tell by even seeing just a picture of one? (Such as one from the UK)? Just curious.
A picture only provides a snapshot, therefore it is unreliable. Even if that picture showed an individual with his hands around the throat of another, one could not say with conviction that that person is a narcissist. A piece of video footage is likely to be a more reliable indicator but still only an indicator. One would have to either view the subject for a longer period or be provided with repeated instances of behaviour by a third party (always with the caveat that the third party may not be presenting the facts accurately) in order to state a view with conviction.
how could I stay so lomg ..
Because you are a kind and empathic person. Nikita. Always remember that. And now you are armed. Sad that you need to be.
Thankyou 😃😃. yes its sad… Have still to learn to be armed. I need a blog like HG to apply to real life and not therapy on how to be armed 😳😳
Likewise and that’s why we are here.
The one I asked my self the most in the last year was, how could you leave for weeks and months on end with zero communciation and just return as if you were away for hours and tell me you missed me and love me? I would always ask myself and him, what man who loves a woman, can stand to be away from her that long. I owe that answer to you HG. Because as you have always said, you do not love us. So being away through silent treatments makes it easy for you to detach from us as you have zero emotional attachment to us.
Gone rogue….do you mean retaining our own thoughts, opinions and rights? And attempting to assert them when we are being abused? At the same telling you we adore, respect , support and love you. But, you can only hear, NO or why or stop?
No, you are failing to provide the required fuel and your actions become repeated criticisms. If you assert your thoughts etc you are most likely doing so in an emotional manner, ditto the case when you explain that you adore, respect and love us etc.
That sounds contradictory to me HG, as all my thoughts are communicated through emotion, so then by that reasoning, he should never once felt criticised by me. Should he have? And if all my words, expressed or written are ladened with emotion, then he would have received continuous fuel and should not have given me silence treatments at all. As, nothing I said would have been taken as a criticism by him. As nothing I say is ever emotionalness. Can you expand further on what you mean in regards to how he could think that criticism from emotion laden communication, whether it be adoring and loving or distressed and angry? Even when I confronted him with his lies, I always maintained how much I love and forgave him. Once he said I don’t want your love and forgiveness, I just what to do what I do.
He evidently did feel criticised by you, otherwise he would not have used silent treatments.
Yes, he did like to utilize minimal effort punishments….he was forever On energy saver mode lol
Thank you for your reply HG.
Priceless golden period…and forever in debts…
Interesting. Admission of being wrong isnt weak. Someone accused me of being weak the other day. It is called being compassionate. As I walked past the one who uttered that falsity, it took every effort not to pull her effing ponytail out of her scalp and shove it down her throat.
If I was with you I would have throat punched the beotch. Your welcome slim jadey.
Why thank you, Foxy. Normally, I run solo bc trust issues. That is a tempting offer, though.
How could you? I’m a Wings fan.
I see what you did there Foxy Loxy. 😉
My not even surprised anymore face. -_-
I do apologize HG my phone wants to call you BY, playing by it’s its own rules tonight it seems
HG has anyone been able to cover these traits and you not be sure?
Hello RMG, I don’t understand the question, perhaps you could elaborate a little further for me?
HG Tudor- Are you a narcissist?
Ok, you are. I’ve been No Contact since Feb 2016. Healing well. However, a friend posted something the other day and it’s been really bothering me. This was the post-
Why Narcissists are Addicted to Pornography
Surviving the Narcissist Relationship
If your narc is addicted to porn, please know this is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. It’s all about him!
Narcissists do not see women in a healthy way. They are unable to see a woman as cute (i.e. sweet) and sexy at the same time.
No, narcissists categorize women into one of two separate categories, saintly or sexy.
They have a very difficult time seeing a woman as both. To them, a woman is either one or the other, but never both. This is what psychologists refer to as a Madonna-whore complex
Now, reading that makes me think that I was the sexy one and his other woman was the sweet one. When I found out he was cheating he told me that they hadn’t had sex in a long time. I’ve been stuck on this. I know you are busy but maybe you could read some of my story and tell me what you think about my ex. Please and thank you.
Hello Brandie, this very subject is covered in Sex and the Narcissist along with a whole lot more which I suspect you will find extremely relevant and interesting to your circumstances.
Already bought it!
Hi Brandie, I would recommend you read sex and the narcissist I’ve just read it this week. It is awful to read but I think we need to understand how they operate . I’m sure HG would agree it’s completely normal to them but revolting to us
Hi Lisa, I just bought it last night. : ) If I can get my ipad off my son I could read it sooner, lol. I do find it revolting. I sit and wonder to myself how many women hw actually was cheating on me with. Then, I want to vomit.
The diagnosis is narcissistic sociopath, Brandie.
Reblogged this on Speak Out 4 Others (Healing from Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, and a Narcissist) and commented:
So many times I’ve heard “You deserved it”
Sister would be in a very bad predicament.
Do Narcs go after weak, weak women/men?
It is not so much whether they are weak or strong but whether they accord with the traits that we desire.
weakness would be one. do you prefer a certain look, style?
Do you mean with regard to physical appearance?
Yes, physical appearance. The N that played me actually preferred blonde WASP women. You can pick them out in a crowd wearing their Talbot suit or L.L. Bean gear caring their Town and Country magazine.
Their idea of a gourmet cracker is Club.
I am not this AT ALL. I have dark hair, like a witch.
I do not have types apart from those which provide the best fuel.
The various traits which are described in Sitting Target which accord with the generic needs of our kind, then those which are specific to the relevant cadre of narcissist.
No accountability… Immune from punishment? Hmm we will see about that! Karma has no time limit 👊👊
That sums up my marriage, anytime I am asked why I am happy when they say sorry he is dead, I just direct them here and let them read all about.
Yet it took reading all of the information you put out BY for me to put a name on what he was.
Hi HG, this comment isn’t relevant to this post but anyway . So I read sex and the Narcisist book today (yes I will write a glowing review)
in the book it says it’s irrelevant if someone’s attractive . So you don’t find people sexually attractive ? Surely that is the same as with anyone . People find some people more attractive than others but narcissists don’t find any difference in physical appearance other than the fuel being supplied ? Would you say it is true to say that narcs cannot regulate their emotions in a normal way ? They seem to go to extraordinary lengths to not feel any emotion love like attachment attraction (other than fuel ) .
Hi Lisa, thank you for reading and I look forward to your review. The point about attractiveness is with regard to the issue of fuel. Of course if somebody is physically attractive it benefits us in two ways. Firstly, physically we are more likely to be aroused. Secondly, we can use their attractiveness to garner fuel from observers (not of the sex act although that is entirely feasible) but by having someone attractive and desirable on our arm. The issue of attractiveness is irrelevant for the fuel gained from the sexual union because that is emotion based and not looks based. We do not have certain emotions like other people. We regulate our emotions differently because we have largely negative emotions which are triggered and affected by our perspective which as I repeatedly mention is different to yours.
Ok HG here’s one I’m not quite sure.
*major drama* haha so my sister realized she was gay after my brother in law went to prison. (She’s older) and her first Gf is a narc. I knew day 1 been telling her. 10 months later she’s in her first discard.
Her gf (38yrs old) wanted my sister to tell her husband in jail months ago that they were together. But my sister didn’t bc it would cause problems and she has kids. Well she finally told him a few days agoZ then her narc wanted my sister to take the kids to daycare first thing in am but my sister didn’t .. So she discarded. Deactivated fb- (not before postin. A status about how she wasn’t wrong lol)
She was ignoring her then texted her said she can’t do it too Chaotic and now telling her she loves her .. Fb still deactivated (we aren’t deleted or blocked.. Entire thing deactivated )
is the narc just punishing her and will come back?
Yes this is an excellent example of how our behaviour (when viewed from your perspective) is disproportionate. The refusal to take the children to daycare first is a challenge to the N’s authority and superiority and therefore was a criticism because it was done without emotion. Her response is to withdraw and lash out (hence the post on FB). The text about it being too chaotic is further lashing out and the reference to saying that she loves her is designed to make your sister feel guilty. She will come back.
And no wonder we get sick of you!’ There is a massive price to pay for that golden period… Massive! I wish I’d of told him to stick his golden period up his arse where the sun doesn’t shine from. Well atleast I can see that it doesn’t shine from there there anyway!
Doesn’t the damn sun shine brighter on their side of the street. So bright it is up their ass? The Bastards!
extremely toxic and painful 😢😢😢