Show and Tell

 

 

It is well known that our kind operate by the wearing of masks. We have learned how to portray those emotions which we do not feel. We have ascertained that in certain situations we are expected to respond in a particular way. We know that by donning a particular mask we are more likely to charm and seduce you. We are aware that maintaining a certain mask the vicious malevolence that lurks beneath can be kept in check so that we achieve acceptability and the advancement of our agendas. There are occasions when we will give you a glimpse of what lies beneath this mask. I am not referring to when we whip the mask off and subject you to devaluation. That is a purposeful and intended act on our part. I am not making reference to when the mask fractures as a consequence of the ignition of our fury and the lesser and mid-range of our kind are unable to keep the mask in place so that the ignited fury erupts and the malicious beast is unleashed. There are occasions however when we provide you with a fleeting glance beneath the mask as to what lies beneath. This will happen during the seduction period. Sometimes it is as a consequence of the effect of a particular agent, such as alcohol. Sometimes, especially with the greater of our kind, it is done as deliberate act in order to gauge your reaction. In such an instance, we tell you of what lies ahead to see if you baulk at the suggestion, or that more likely you respond in a sympathetic manner of even by way of denial.

“I couldn’t ever imagine you doing that.”

“That won’t happen with me though. It might have with other people but I will treat you better than they have.”

“You’re not like that, don’t be silly.”

“I don’t see you doing something like that, you are too nice.”

If you respond in such terms when you have been given such a warning, then this is a green light to us that we have you under our control and that you will accord with our desires and machinations. It also allows us, when we do eventually behave in the manner described down the line during the devaluation, to throw it back in your face by saying.

“I did warn you.”

“Why are you complaining? I was upfront that this would happen.”

“I told you so.”

“It’s no use crying about it now. I told you what I was like.”

“I told you and you chose to stay with me. It is your fault.”

Not only does this enable us to avoid blame, something we must achieve, it will also result in you reacting and providing us with fuel.

With the lesser or mid-range of our kind, these comments are more akin to thinking aloud. The mask does slip, unintentionally for a moment, through the explanation of a future behaviour before it is realised what has been said and the disclosure is brushed to one side, denied or passed off as a silly comment owing to drink or being tired. Why do these comments arise in such a manner from the lesser and mid-range of our kind? Is it guilt or remorse? No, because those emotions are not felt by our kind. It arises from a lack of control. The “bad” behaviour that will arise at some point is lurking beneath the surface and like a cat fighting to get out of a sack, it is always wanting to make an appearance but is prevented from doing so by the maintenance of the mask that is worn. Occasionally, through the loss of control – it may be drink, it may be fatigue, it may be through inattention – what lurks beneath makes a brief and fleeting appearance before the control is exerted once again. Here are fifteen portentous show and tells of our kind. Should you ever hear these comments you ought to pay heed to the warning that you are being given.

 

  1. I am a bad person really.
  2. I will only hurt you.
  3. You should stay away from me.
  4. I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.
  5. I will make you wish you had never met me.
  6. It will go wrong, it always does.
  7. You will end up hating me.
  8. You don’t know what you are getting into with me.
  9. You shouldn’t do this.
  10. You should leave while you can.
  11. This is going to turn out badly.
  12. I have to hurt people.
  13. I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.
  14. I just want to fit in.
  15. I’m not what you think I am.
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41 thoughts on “Show and Tell”

  1. Although this is a perfect but horrific depiction of the true persona behind the mask, it’s comforting for myself and my mother, whom I’m trying to protect from my covert narc father, because the more I delve into the deep dark cold psyche of the narc, the more I can survive in a toxic environment in which I’m lodged due to force of circumstance

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    1. Hello Brandie, the apparent wisdom of the doctors point to events in my childhood causing me to be the way that I am. It is common for narcissists as a whole to be physically abusive because we are abusive across the spectrum (emotionally, financially, sexually and physically). There are however variations. Lesser Narcissists use physically violence most often owing to their low control threshold. Mid Range tend to push, spit, slap as opposed to a frenzied assault. Greaters tend to threaten the physical violence – a raised fist, a hand to the throat – rather than do it, being able to exert greater control and also mindful of how causing visible injuries can lead to potential problems.

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      1. Well, so far in your book Sex and The N has described my sex life to a T with my ex. And as I have read about types, I can totally put him in the Elite category. And he was psychologically, emotionally, physically abusive, and sexually assaulted me several times. I’ve always said the first time we had sex I felt like I was raped bc I didn’t want to have it but he was so relentless I couldn’t stand it so, I just laid there and let him do it. That had happened many times during our relationship. However, there were times that our sex life was actually the best I’ve ever had. He said the same but now I’m aware that was a lie like everything else.

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  2. Hit the nail on the head! I heard every single one on the list. And my response was always “why”, “I can help you” and “you can trust me”. I am now getting 15 but this time I do know the truth. She was an occasional drinker and mostly happy when she drank. There were two occasions that the alcohol seemed to change her. I wasn’t sure who I was talking to.

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  3. I have heard them all one time or other in my life!! HG if a person is a Narcassist and doesn’t know it, do they let the mask fall unintentionally then? Example. A normally very nice helpful person who does not get there own way might lash out for know apparent reason other then wanting attention and everyone to think they are wonderful! But if one person does not agree with them or gives them the attention they demand they explode into this very angry nasty foul mouthed individual that most of us didn’t even know existed! But then will even blame that on someone else and look for sympathy because they tell everyone they are being picked on! Does this sound like someone with narcissistic tendecys to you? Xxx

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  4. He never said those exact words. He did say, I was selfish to want you, I should never have entangled you, I don’t deserve you, you are such a good person, you are so patient, why do you love me. I will always come back to you. I will never leave you, you know that, don’t you. I love you too much.
    So still those were implied warnings, that I too, like you Snow White, told him to stop saying such things, I love him as he is and always will. It hurt when he thought he wasn’t worthy of me. BY God, he wasn’t. And he knew he wasn’t.

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  5. So true. Saw this side of him about a month before I snooped and found out the total truth. Just one day, but it was the only time I saw the real him.

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  6. Didn’t we always know who and what they were? Didn’t our gut/intuition/knowing tell us from the beginning? Their verbal slips were just confirmation of what we always felt… Even during the golden period. We knew.

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  7. DN has always been a drinker but this past cycle he seemed almost out of control. Of course he told me that he drank more to deal with the unhappiness that his current wife created in his life (but he never let up when we were together either). I am not sure if it was his drinking or me being more self aware this last time, but it seemed like his mask fell off a lot more frequently and I saw glimpses of who he truly was.

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  8. Holy cow HG. Last narc of the Fragile Victim type gave me 10 out of the 15. He threw each as a dash of salt in an otherwise perfect dish of idealization

    “You’re so perfect. So beautiful. I’m so broken I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.”

    The entire thing lasted less than 2 months after I met him. He hated that I regularly read your blog. He said you’re a guru wanna be just telling women what they want to hear. A terribly poor appliance, isn’t he HG?😈

    His ploy didn’t work. I knew he was just jealous and trying to tear you and I apart. 😘

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    1. Ha ha very good CNM. I do enjoy getting under the skin of my kind, it reinforces my status as being at the top of my kind. I am sure that many readers will attest that I often tell you precisely what you do not want to hear, such is the brutal truth.

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  9. I’m confused HG. He told me near the beginning he didn’t want to hurt me. But surely causing hurt creates negative fuel which he desires? If he really meant this then surely it would indicate some compassion?

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    1. Hello Rainbow. No, that was said to draw you in and to make you adore him. Saying one thing during seduction and doing another (the hurt) during devaluation are standard behaviours. It is not compassion.

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      1. Thank you HG. I thought as much. When I asked him in what way he thought he might hurt me he just said, “because I’m a bloke”. He had told me he had many affairs in his first marriage, but that I was the only other woman in his second marriage of 25 years (I didn’t believe this even before I found out he’s an N). What was the purpose of saying this? Perhaps so he could say “I told you what I was like” if I caught him with another woman? Or to make me try harder to please him so he wouldn’t stray? Or to blame his behaviour (sexual or otherwise) on being a bloke meaning he couldn’t help it?

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      2. 1. To make you feel special;
        2. To test you at the outset to see if you wavered at him laying out these facts;
        3. To induce you in a sense of challenge, that you would be the one that would ensure he would not stray;
        4. To later turn it on you and blame you – as you identify he would give you the “I told you so”
        5. To allow him to avoid culpability – “I am a man, men stray, deal with it.”

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  10. What if you see the Narc’s mask slip when dealing with others rather than towards you? Does he want you to witness this slippage or is he trying to still maintain a good image with you but cannot help but let the mask slip towards others?

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  11. I found this article very enlightening the first time I read it and sent it to my ex…with a message telling him how it made me think of him. He used to do this quite a bit and blame alcohol. Anyway your article stopped his hoovers, nothing for over two months now!!

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    1. There seems to be a connection in addictive behaviours, ie drugs.and alcohol usage. Both Mn and MCN were drinkers, one quit and then transferred addiction to gambling and working out. MCN has speeding offences as well,

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  12. I remember when I was first dating him, he made some sort of comment that he felt he hadn’t grown emotionally since he was in high school. Another time we were talking about him bartending and flirting with women and gay men to get tips and attention when he was going to college. I asked him if he had ever been with a man, he responded that he had kissed them before. Then asked me what I would say if he said he had. I shrugged my shoulder……I never pushed him for more information when he made these comments. I took note of them. Now I know that those are red flags. #1) He admitted he wasn’t emotionally mature, and #2) He needed attention and it didn’t matter where he got it.

    Lesson learned…… 🙂

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  13. So patronizingly kind for you to say that I’m nice and obliging. My email, should I send it, and it’s likely i will, is likely to be rehash of what I told you here, so people can jump ahead. It might have more. Who knows?

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      1. Very much so. I would have been terrified to hear that!! And, I’d like to think I’d be out of that house in a heart beat with a restraining order, though with the mind games it is hard to know. Glad you are out! Glad to be out myself. I had a less dramatic threat from my recent ex, though it shook me deep. He said, while at a restaurant I took him for his birthday, ” i bet I could jab this in your eye and they would still would ignore us” when we got slow service. I looked at him, with shock and anger and he said, “what?” I said back to him what he said and he said that I miss heard him and that I was crazy. U-turn, blameshift gaslighting at it finest. That was a frequent weapon of his as he knew it hooked me.

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