Tenacity

 

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

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70 thoughts on “Tenacity”

  1. I must disagree with You dear G. I am very sure that a strong individual co-dependant IS ABLE to bring the life back into the relationship with a narcissist. Xxx but it’s my secret how to do it 😉

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    1. But since the original “life” that was present in the beginning of the relationship wasnt even real to one person, then why waste time and energy trying to recreate something that never existed? Especially when that reality can actual exist via different avenues, platforms and people?

      Maddie I know you’ve been around this blog a lot longer than I have and I’m assuming you’re being more humorous than sincere with your comment. 😊

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      1. It is very complicated to explain but I can assure You I am not joking around here dear mallgood2016 🙂 I am also not reffering in my comment to golden period as the fake reality created by a narcissist. ..more to a decent cooperative happy life together… where both parts receive what they need from eachother.

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  2. People confuse hope in these type of relationships with trying to fill an internal void that they aren’t even aware exists.

    In other words the Non N/other party is also obtaining fuel and feeding their ego.

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    1. You are absolutely correct. Waking up to that fact is painful and crushing but once you do you can actually learn to take all that hope and “love” for the other and turn that toward self. My favorite Maya Angelou quote is “People show you who they are. Believe them”. It’s good to ask oneself why one devoutly tethers themself to a relationship frought with chaos, turmoil and confusion. Why am I settling for this?

      The truth is that it is not possible to love (in the real sense) someone who does not love.

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    2. Trying to fill that empty space left possibly by rejection and abandonment from childhood. Trying to obtain the love we never had as kids. Wounds that have not been healed. Yes feeding from them unconciously. Just looking for love/attention. Its like an obsession. Its very sick and unhealthy. Damaging to our brains and spirit. It was my drug and i could not stop. I loved him. (The brain becomes addicted chemically as well) ego? I needed that to escape.

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  3. Again HG you are spot on. Yes we try, giving up was the one thing I wouldn’t do until I had no choice, yet this is in every aspect of my life. I never give up, now I just chose the fight I go in before I do cause of this. He knew this. He “warned” me many times, from times we would spar telling me to use your opponents energy against him, to using logic when arguing, always look at all angles before deciding and knowing the consequences. I gave him the dagger to pierce my heart, admitting I knew was the hardest thing, yet the most freeing. Yet when playing with fire be sure your ready to get burned.

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      1. I’m not afraid to play with fire, but the ice just kills me. One day I will go or not, too early to tell as there are many factors involved. Children, financial, my love which is true, stability as we have been together for so long. One thing maybe HG, Maddie, or RMG might answer. My husband always asks why won’t I just submit to him or be more submissive. Any ideas hat that may mean. In my mind I am submissive, I clean the house, take care of the kids and animals. My previous arguments before I knew what he was were for him to help out and be a partnership. I’ve backed off from that since realizing it just won’t happen. I don’t fight for the golden period anymore just peace.

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  4. They have the tenacity when it comes to trying to hold on to us – to fix, to make new again.

    We have the tenacity when it comes to not letting them go – to pretend to fix, to give the illusion of making new again.

    When they want to hold on, we want to let go. When they want to let go, we want to hold on.

    We’re really not all that different after all.

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  5. HG that was excellent!!! It makes you really think. I lived that exact life. I am in a 22 year marriage and my husband asks me how and why I would have given my life to be with “that woman”. Someone that brainwashed me. He saw it. We experience everything you say when we are involved with one of your kind. I went back to her repeatedly begging her to never leave me after silent treatments and her gas lighting. I kept hanging in there thinking that I was making a difference in her life and that we needed each other. Its hard to admit that you actually begged someone for their love and I already had it at home. It’s hard to explain to someone on the outside everything that we were jubjected to and how we were manipulated. When my husband presented me with the decision to never see her again or stay in the marriage, my first response was that I would never leave her. I thought no way in hell. I was under a very powerful spell. I made the right decision to stay in my marriage. I will have to deal with the repercussions from this mess for the rest of my life.

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      1. Without you HG I would be in your Isolation chapter in your Manipulated book. Thank you for giving me all the answers to a million “why” questions. Hope you don’t get tired of them because I think I will need to be here for awhile. You have taught me a lot. ❤️

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      2. You are always welcome to ask as much as you require SW, there will be times when I am about other matters but I will always reply as I read everything that is posted here.

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      1. Yes, my ballon has been deflated, it has rained on my parade. I thought I was suppose to keep trying? Isn’t this the game? The damn nerve of me to think this. How dare I attempt to think.
        Ahahahaha poor little shriveled red balloon.

        Wait! This is not a red balloon, it is a wrinkled cloth drenched with your blood. Should have ducked.

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      2. Who is big enough to do this? No one I know.
        I am very mobil, look behind you. Can you feel me breathing down the back of your neck? Sweet heat of the Demon breath. Can you feel my hands work their way around your neck as everyone you discarded energizes in my cold fingers.

        BOO

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    1. Tamara turn those tears into fight, strength and self love. In no way I’m I saying you’re presenting as a victim, just reminding you to take back your power or if you already have then keep it close to your inner self 💜

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      1. I will, Mallgood2016 <3 Sometimes HG's articles really hit home, though <3 I am much stronger than before the Narcissist ever came along 🙂 Yet, I need to keep it close to my inner-self! Thank you <3 Narcissists "mirror" way too well; that makes it hurt. You think they've almost touched your very soul…

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      2. You’re making my heart break for you..as much effort as it takes to remember hown I felt during those times I can still do it.

        It WILL GET BEYTER I promise! 😘

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  6. In the reality of things, knowing what I know now, I understand him better. I would never have given up, so I understand where Maddie is coming from. I always knew just never had a title to go with it. He taught me to control my emotions, separate them from what was happening and what I was feeling, to keep up with him. This I don’t understand why? Maybe you have an answer to that HG? I knew who was in control and I knew the moment he saw the mistake I made. Cold rage yes very familiar with it, it brought me to my knees. I went silent from the pain I felt, not just mine but his. I dealt with the punishment he saw fit, then one day I disappeared. He took everything from me, until I was completely alone.
    I have sense rebuilt my life, changed everything, homes, careers friends etc.
    People can think what they want, you can’t change that. Just because your perspective is different doesn’t mean you are right, just means it is different. I didn’t agree with what he did, yet deep inside I knew he needed to, and I loved him uncontionally.

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    1. I suspect he wanted to make you more of a challenge for him so that if he could break this discipline his sense of omnipotence and superiority would be boosted considerably.

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  7. You can blow got cold my way any day HG, his loss your gain. And on that note after two years I come face to face with him, my silence isn’t from pain now. So happy to have gain knowledge you provide.

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  8. HG I told him I was going to block him today. The push and pull has taken its toll on me. It is so hard to do. I don’t know if I can go through with it. The worst part is he ‘wants’ me to block him. Why would he say that? Does he really mean it? I admit I’m addicted and want to communicate with him everyday. It just hurts that he’s ok with me walking away.

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    1. His declaration of wanting you to block him is to test you to see whether you will and allows him to gauge your defences. It is also to provoke a reaction from you to gain fuel. Naturally it hurts but that is what he wants because then you will provide him with fuel.

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      1. You are correct. He texted me first thing this morning. I didn’t block him. He was checking to see if I did. And of course I responded. I called him on it. Didn’t take long for him to tell me I have issues (like he doesn’t). He says he texts me because I text him – basically removing accountability on his part. I know what I have to do…it’s just so hard.

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  9. Can’t help but think about this song by Pearl Jam when I read this….

    “She loved him, yeah… she don’t want to leave this way
    She feeds him, yeah… that’s why she’ll be back again”

    Can’t find a better man….

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  10. Exhausted I know for me, my body language, and the tone in my voice made a big difference. Words can be used to build up or tear down, yet I can say the same sentence using different body language and tone and get a different out come. One comes across challenging one submissive.

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  11. Thank you HG, he did for a moment break me in the end, yet it’s something needed. I know some would never understand this, My experience with him changed me. My face to face with him and he called me amazing and winked at me. He knew I was looking at him even thou he couldn’t see my eyes.
    He is going to come back or at least try isn’t he?

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  12. Thanks HG, yes better prepared because of you.
    Lol just realized I started using rmg instead of rmk, things are a changing. 🙂

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  13. You have made my night HG, I am sure it would be very interesting having you around in person, yet do you think I could keep up?

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    1. I am very interesting to be around. You won’t match me but you will have such a ball trying to do so and I am ever so pleasant to spend time with. A total pussycat in fact.

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  14. Oh I am sure it would be fun, I do so love it when I am made to “work”, have more energy then what I know what to do with.
    A pussycat, interesting, sure you keep those claws nice and sharp, never know when you might need them

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