Closer to Heaven


It is testament to the intensity of our love-bombing, our seductive charade and the illusion that we create that you feel that we are heaven sent. Nobody compares to us either before after. Our love is like the sun. Vast, burning and immense, so bright and you, like most things on this planet, come to depend on it. The brilliance with which we make you ours by the carefully constructed and elegantly orchestrated ensnaring means you do not notice what is happening to you. All you know that is your dreams have come true. You are whisked off your feet, made to feel special and lifted up on high. And why not? You are indeed special to us. We chose you. From all those appliances out there, from the thousands upon thousands we targeted you, we researched you and we dedicated ourselves to capturing you. That is how special you are. You are particularly special because you are elevated to the position of being our primary source of fuel. What greater honour could my kind ever bestow on someone? You are my life blood. Without the fuel that you provide to me each and every day, succulent, potent and plentiful, I would no longer exist. No wonder I worship you when I first find you. You are the answer to my fears. The destruction of the construct is a terrifying matter to contemplate and I will do anything to ensure that this does not happen. You are instrumental in achieving this and it is through your fuel that I am not only able to exist but function, conquer and attract. You are so important to me that you provide the fuel that allows me to draw in even more fuel. You are the catalyst for all my endeavours, my machinations and my schemes. You are the driving force behind everything that I do, my successes, my ambitions and my achievements. It is because of you I am able to illuminate the world with my brilliance. Now do you understand why my seduction of you must be so absolute and intense? You are my saviour, you are everything that I need and accordingly I must capture you with all due expedience so that you are not plucked from my grasp by some other pretender. It is through you that I am able to transcend the mediocre and mundane, how those words make me shudder. My seduction is borne out of a great ravenous hunger. I need you. To acquire you I must take you closer to the heaven than you have ever been. Does it matter that I do so through the construct of an illusion so long as it serves that purpose to ensnare you? You are worshipped, adored and idealised – who would not want to be revered in such a manner and by one so talented as I? It is a match that was forged in heaven – you give me what I need and I give you what you desire. It makes perfect sense and this ideal matching of you and I must always come to pass. It is written in the stars above.

I pin all my hopes on you. I put every ounce of effort into acquiring you. I strain my sinews, polish my charm and burn brightly in the hope and expectation that you will provide me with the outstanding fuel. You do not disappoint. At least not at first. Yet, the time comes when the fuel sours and becomes stale and that is why my treatment becomes so awful and horrendous. My malice is driven by your failure. Our immortal union was in touching distance. I had you at the gates of heaven and all you needed to do was to keep supplying me with that wonderful fuel. I know you tried. Goodness knows you have told me often enough about all the things you have done and how you tried over and over again to make things work. You were not the only one you know. That sense of having been so close burns through me and the fury that is unleashed is so virulent I am unable to control it and thus it must be spewed over you, drowning you in my hatred, my bilious venom oozing across you, trickling into your open orifices as I seek to smother you in my cloying evil. You promised so much. That is why I promised so much in return. We got so near but then you faltered, you floundered and you failed and it all came crashing down. If there was a different way, if there was some alternative which meant I did not have to unleash hell against you, then perhaps that would be chosen instead but there is not. I know no other way than that which is meted out to you when it all comes crashing down. I cannot control it because you threaten my existence by your failure and I must turn to other means to secure and preserve my existence. I obtain other sources of my precious fuel to avoid my extinction from your negligence.

I wanted to give you the world. I wanted to take you to heaven and because of your failings we had never been closer to heaven and then we had never been further away. Why did you do it to me?

58 thoughts on “Closer to Heaven

  1. SA says:

    Do you like working? I am retired now, Married well and worked for myself and husband. He was kind to me in the divorce, very kind. I like this better.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do, it provides me with many opportunities.

      1. Indy says:

        Have you shared anywhere (books or blog) on what you do for a living/career? Anything to do with Government? Computer security stuff?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hi Indy, no I haven’t.

          1. Indy says:

            Hi HG,
            Top secret or too revealing of your identity or both?

          2. HG Tudor says:


  2. RMG says:

    Ha ha leave the cap off the toothpaste, I would come behind you and put the damn thing back on. OCD. Yet i do move candles around the house 😉

  3. RMG says:

    Don’t I know you burn bright, can feel the heat all the way over here.

  4. 1jaded1 says:

    Circumvented the rules. You are such the rebel, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am just one kerazy dude aren’t I 1jaded?
      Sometimes when I am feeling really rebellious I do not put the cap back on the toothpaste and then to be totally wild I stand on the left on the escalator ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!

      1. 1jaded1 says:

        Going online where security is compromised is a bit different than leaving the cap off. And I could see you standing in the fast lane of an escalator…grr seriously dude? Peeps got places to BE!

        Do you also block train seats with your coat? Drink straight outta the jug? Or is that just a little too much rebel for you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I dont block seats as I welcome potential fuel sources sitting by me.
          I do not drink from the jug,that is uncouth.

          1. Indy says:

            I could hear Steve Martin in your voice, HG “I am just one wild and kerrrrazzyy guy” …..glad you are back.

            Uncouth, my mother used to use that word, chuckles.

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Hey and guess what, I have a dog called shithead!

          3. Indy says:

            Hahaha, I used to play a mean trumpet.

          4. HG Tudor says:

            What about willy banjo?

          5. Indy says:

            Cheeky and uncouth! I really did play a trumpet! Jazz, marching and orchestra. Yep, a band geek!

      2. 1jaded1 says:

        Agreed. Very uncouth.

      3. mlaclarece says:

        Stop stealing my tricks from the nerd herd!!

      4. SA says:

        What! No lid on the toothpaste!? OUT WITH YOU!

      5. 1jaded1 says:

        Monotone hahaha at the shithead joke. You did remind me of Steve Martin and the wild and crazy guy. Classic SNL.

      6. 1jaded1 says:

        Do you also block the fast lane while going the speed limit just because you can?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          What’s a speed limit?

          1. 1jaded1 says:


  5. RMK says:

    Ah HG you got me all blushing now, yet I am sure I could learn a few things from you. You know I do love fire. 😉

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I burn the brightest as you know.

  6. RMK says:

    HG missed seeing you around, badder then ever huh? Didn’t think you could improve on perfection.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Oh RMK, you get me, you are the only one.

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    Or, closer to hell. Today is 180916 there…or tomorrow…or today.

  8. Hope says:

    Glad to know you’ll be back soon. Miss reading the comments & your responses to them. In the meantime, I’ve been reading through your Quora answers. 🙂 Lots of knowledge there, also.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Hope. I am back in the big chair and ready for action.

      1. So Sad says:

        Nice to see you back & ready for action HG !!! , the place hasn’t been the same while you were away ..

        Hope you had a fabtastic time 🙂

        Not So Sad x

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you So Sad it was most successful.

  9. Jules says:

    Where are u HG?? Have u discarded us all? U off the radar!! No responses to anyone in awhile now?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am here Jules and will be back in the saddle as of tomorrow,bigger, badder and better than ever before!

      1. Foxy Loxy says:

        Brace yourselves everyone 🐺🐑

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Damn right.

      2. mlaclarece says:

        That right there thrilled me HG!!

        1. HG Tudor says:


      3. Maddie says:

        What a relief that You safe and o.k. dear G!😜❤💋

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Maddie and indeed I am.

      4. Jules says:

        Awesome. We wud love to hear what you were going thru in ur time of silence? Did u find a NS and forget about us? Or in a deep fury? Sulking? Pissed off with us all? Silent treatment for us ? Preparing us for discard? Or just busy? Sorry im blunt. Im just very curious and nosey and have that burning need to know 😜

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello Jules, I was working. I did not forget about any of you but the nature of my work the last 8 days or so and the time required to dedicate to it, meant I was not able to dedicate any time to replying to messages in detail, hence the silence. No I was not in a fury, nor sulking, nor pissed off. I have no need to dole out a silent treatment and no need to discard, it was purely down to my work commitment and the lack of access to the internet for security reasons when I was not working (which was not very often!)
          I was able to gather fuel from those around me in case you were wondering and I demonstrated that I could still circumvent the rules by pushing some comments through on a couple of days.

      5. Indy says:

        Now, no future faking, HG 😉
        We expect Your Badness and bad @zz present!
        ~Indy tapping a ruler in the palm of her hand!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It will be as of tomorrow Indy. You have 12 hours to prepare yourselves!

  10. mlaclarece says:

    So, in your absence I am catching up on reading your book “Exorcism”. (I know you’re thinking finally since I’ve had it for 2 months). Reading that along with this post is completely conflicting.
    Here, I see:
    I am indeed special.
    I was chosen over thousands (of appliances, but still…)
    I am your life blood.
    My fuel helps you draw in more fuel to be even more efficient.
    I am the driving force behind everything you do.
    I make you shine.
    In return I get worshiped, adored and idealized.

    Then the crash.

    Now reading Exorcism in contrast, I see:

    I was never loved.
    The golden period was an illusion.
    Nothing was my fault.
    You cannot be fixed.
    Everything you did was fake.
    I did not know you.

    No wonder it is such an emotional roller coaster.
    You have said you do feel a connection with an intimate partner. All that time. All that effort. I sit back sometimes and still cannot believe that all of that can be “faked” through. Especially with repeated hoovers happening. This is like the ying and yang. You don’t know what you want. If you can’t be fixed, how is it that you have been able to increase your awareness and knowledge to such depths and be able to write so profoundly from the perspective of the victim? Maybe not all can be “fixed”. Some are too violent and damaged. But I just can’t believe there aren’t exceptions…with you in that batch.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      When you have practised my craft for the period of time that I have, when you a long list of primary source victims, when you have a cast of hundreds,maybe more who have been subjected to my machinations, when you have the abilities that I have, when you have listened carefully to what those victims have told you, when you have watched how they have reacted in order to become more effective, when you have observed them in order to become more potent, when you have scrutinised, analysed and evaluated their words, actions, expressions and wide-eyed responses you learn so, so much about your victims that it becomes so easy to replicate what they must think and feel.
      whether I can be fixed or not does not impact on my ability to know my victims inside out, clarece.

  11. nikitalondon says:

    Excellent read HG . Thankyou for posting.

  12. Cara says:

    Oh yes, you’re special. Until you’re not. And you’ll never know what you did to stop being special, because I don’t have to explain myself to you.

  13. HG,

    Loved the post! Of course, I have a question (surprised? lol): You state: “If there was a different way, if there was some alternative which meant I did not have to unleash hell against you, then perhaps that would be chosen instead but there is not.” In this construct, there is the choice not to unleash hell. You may not want to choose that as it provides you fuel and that is what you seek to secure, but if it is not a choice, then are you, or are you not, in control or how is this explained to mortal’s ears?

    ♫ Listening to “Written in the Stars” by Tinie Tempah ft. Eric Turner ♫

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am always in control. The appearance of having no choice is a necessary artifice for the maintenance of not being culpable, accountable or to blame.

      1. Starr Plemons says:

        How do they fail you if they care about you and try and try ? How are they the ones at fault for the relationship falling apart when you told them you loved them and lied and cheated ? I’m a bit confused

        1. HG Tudor says:

          They fail us by failing to provide us with the fuel we need in terms of potency, quantity and frequency. It is their fault because we do not admit we are at fault, to do so would be weak and would cede control to the other person, we do not want that to happen. This is all about the blame shifting. We want you to feel guilty so you stick around for the devaluation, we want you to feel like you have done wrong so you try to fix things and thus provide us with more fuel. It is an artifice which is designed to allow us to exert control and to continue to draw fuel from you.

  14. Maddie says:

    You are ghosting us here dear…

  15. anteah says:

    Not to be Feudian here, but this routine does smack of obsessively reliving the trauma of early severe parental neglect.

  16. Ttaroma says:

    4 weeks today and no contact, found it pretty easy upto now, these past few days has been a real struggle, I seem to have forgot the bad things, the way he spoke to me, lies, other women and stealing my money, saying how dramatic and how I over react. First time I have cried today over losing him, I know his was fake love but mine wasn’t and I know it was all pretence, don’t understand why it is so hard now 🙁 what can I do to get that anger back? To keep me strong x

    1. love says:

      Ttaroma, there is no shame in tears. They cleanse your soul and allow you to heal. Its a natural process and you shouldn’t fight it. Anger only burns a hole within you. Permit yourself to go through this phase of the healing. You’ll come out stronger. Emotions are our gift not our burden.

      1. Ttaroma says:

        Thank you, i suppose I was trying to stay strong, anger was an easy way to stop me feeling the love for him, reading all these blogs and comments really do help xx

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