Re-writing History to be the Victors

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You are no doubt familiar with the quotation

“History is written by the victors”

to explain that those who triumph then re-write what has happen to accord with their new-found supremacy. We bastardise that quotation. We re-write history in order to ensure that we are the victors. We love to win. We hate to lose. It goes further than that. It is not just about wanting to win, loving the fact that we are winners but we need to win. It is imperative. This need to win manifests in numerous ways, which include:-

Always being in receipt of fuel;

Being the centre of attention;

Having our say first and for longest;

Making sure we are heard above all others;

Getting the latest gadget or piece of technology ahead of our friends, family and neighbours;

Having the most attractive spouse, girlfriend/boyfriend, partner amongst our social groups;

Having the best suit and tie;

Being the most senior at a meeting;

Earning the most out of our peers;

Having secured the best career out of those we went to school with;

Being the best at running, football, archery, chess;

Knowing the most about a particular subject;

Offering the best wine at a dinner party;

Securing the best seats at a theatre or a restaurant;

Being acknowledged first in a group;

Bench pressing the heaviest weight in the gym;

Having the best sound system;

Knowing more famous people than our friends;

Securing tickets to a sold-out performance;

Winning the argument with anybody who tries to challenge us;

Ensuring our partner puts our needs ahead of theirs;

Getting served before anybody else;

Being able to drink the most at a party;

Ensuring everybody respects our “quiet time” when we are watching a film;

Having the most exuberant birthday bashes.

There are of course so many more. Not all of these are always applicable as for instance a Cerebral Narcissist will have little interest in ensuring that he can bench press the most weight at the gym and the Somatic Narcissist is not at all bothered about being the local expert on the history of the town in which he lives, but each and everyone one of our kind will want to and need to, secure the win.

This need manifests in the lengths we will go to so that we achieve the win. We will boast, brag, manipulate, blackmail, coerce, cajole, sabotage, nobble and bribe our way to the win. Nothing is off limits. If I can emotionally blackmail a friend into ensuring I sit in the lead funeral car with the family ahead of any other friend of the family, then I will do it. If I need to delete the files from a competitor’s computer at work, so be it. If I need to ensure that I have control over you in our relationship, so I win repeatedly, then I will unleash all manner of manipulations form my Devil’s Toolkit in order to make sure I win, win and win again.

The revision of history is one such tool that our kind deploys on a regular basis to bring about the win. Let’s look at some examples of how that appears.

Imagine I am at the bar with some of my inner circle friends. One of my friends, someone who has served a purpose from school, brings up the occasion of the 100 metre sprint from the school athletics championships.

“Hey HG, you ran a great time that day and you were only just pipped to the gold medal by that dude from LRG weren’t you?”

“I think, Michael, you will find that I pipped him to the title.”

“Really? Are you sure? I thought he beat you.”

“No, I beat him.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely, I was actually looking back through my results at the weekend when I was clearing some boxes from the loft and I was remembering how close the race had been but how I had overtaken that dude and beat him, narrowly true, but I beat him all the same.”

“I could have sworn it was the other way around.”

“No, you are wrong. I checked the times. I beat him by 0.2 of a second.”

“Oh I see.”

“Yes, he was gracious in defeat but I suppose you have to be when you don’t win, eh Michael?”

Michael nods and accepts my point since it was said with authority and the backing of a recent review of the result.

I actually did come second but I am not going to allow Michael to point that out in front of these inner circle friends. I rewrote history to ensure that I proved a point to him and ensured that I was held in the proper regard by those listening which in turn provided me with fuel.

2. Now consider a conversation between a primary source and me.

“Where have you been?” asks the primary source.

“What do you mean, where have I been? You know where I have been.”

“No I don’t.”

“Yes you do, I told you last week.”

“No you did not. I have been wondering where you have been, I was getting worried.”

“Well that is your own fault, I told you last week that I was going out this evening.”

“No you did not.”

“I did, I remember specifically. I was searching for my shirt that I wanted to wear, you know the blue one which I bought recently, but you wouldn’t help me look as you were watching some television programme. You asked why I wanted the shirt and I said I wanted to make sure it was clean and ironed because I was going out with Nathan and Paul.”

“I dont remember that.”

“Well I do.”

“I really do not remember you telling me you were going out.”

“You probably didn’t take it in, after all you were pretty engrossed in your programme.”

“Hmmm.”

“Anyway, what’s to eat, I am famished.”

I never said anything about going out but I will re-write history to make it appear that I did so because this frustrates you, avoids your attempt to blame me and allows me to maintain superiority by being right.

3. I am sat with a primary source in a restaurant.

“Isn’t that that woman who was obsessed with you?”

“Where?” I answer.

“There, coming through the doors, what is her name again, beings with an A I am sure.”

“Who? The lady with the short brown bob?”

“No, next to her, the one with long blonde hair.”

“Never seen her before.”

“Are you sure, she looks like that woman you pointed out to me.”

“No, I don’t know her.”

“It is a damn good likeness if it is not her. It is her, she is coming over.”

The blonde woman comes to our table.

“Hello,” she smiles at me ignoring the primary source, “fancy seeing you here.”

“Sorry are you talking to me?”

“Yes, hi HG, how are you?”

“I am sorry do I know you?”

“Yes we worked together.”

“No I am sorry, I don’t remember you.”

Her downcast expression provides me with fuel.

“I was in the team that worked alongside yours. We went to Singapore, do you not remember?”

“You might have worked where I worked but I don’t know you, sorry, but if you wouldn’t mind, we are about to order. Waiter!?”

Puzzled and upset she slowly walks away and I savour her fuel.

“She definitely knew you,” presses the primary source.

“Seems that way, but then I am well known aren’t I?” I answer with a self-congratulatory grin. I am pleased to have rebuffed Samantha who I know full well but it suited my purpose to rebuff her. I know she will try and contact me again to prove she knows me and then I just may re-write history again to confirm that I do. Of course, when I do, I may re-write that I had forgotten who she was.

We engage in this manipulation in order to exert control. It allows us to confuse, bewilder, upset, brag and thus maintain fuel. We will re-write history so that we avoid blame, gain kudos, claim achievements that are not our own, make us sound better at what we have accomplished, to evade liability and ensure you are confused and puzzled. It comes within gas-lighting as you start to find your memory is fallible. We have no hesitation in confirming something happened when it did not, we will change events, add things and take them away so long as it suits our purposes. If you present us with some independent evidence that contradicts us we will not shift our position in terms of maintaining history is how we decree it. Instead, we will unleash an alternative manipulation in order to deflect and deny your attempt to challenge our version.

Even the most obvious of events will be erased, amended and added to. Nothing is safe from our treatment of how things were. If it serves a purpose for us to alter history one way or another then we shall do so.

How do you deal with this?

As ever, state you position the once so you know you have stated it and then move on. The re-writing of history is designed to draw you in to an argument, make you try to convince us that you are right and we are wrong (although you will fail), to make you erupt in frustration or anger or tears, to bewilder you so that you keep accepting we are correct, so little by little you eventually always accept what we say and submit to this particular mind game.

Conversations will be recalled in a different manner. People who did not attend will have attended whilst others vanish. Events play out in a different manner once they have been subjected  to this treatment.

It is all part of securing the win.

We change history. That’s how powerful we consider ourselves to be.

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124 thoughts on “Re-writing History to be the Victors”

  1. Now there is SERIOUS wisdom in this post. This – THIS – is SPOT ON.

    Yep. Yep. Yep. I asked my Ray of Sunshine if there was any part of him that remembered the truth. He does the silence thing at first that’s cool, I wait it out. Then we do “the stare”. This humors him (which is good – he much better in a laughing mood than in an angry mood) and he will do a little half smile on one side of his face and I can tell he does remember the truth, but he would die before he said it. I let it go because at this point, there is no point other than I want to know if the truth is somewhere. I already know it, but THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO, and I mean NO, reason to bring it up. It gets you NOWHERE. I spent the first year in arguments with simple facts and then revisited my strategy because he liked it. Take away his phone – he doesn’t care. He will say it just to say it but IT CHANGES NOTHING!!!!

    HG, could you proffer on this? Like if the incident with Samantha happened, what would have been Samantha’s best response? In my situation, it depends on the day and the mood, but I would almost say all I would recommend is silence with humor. But I am not dealing with an adult either – but how should have Samantha handled that the best?

    I didn’t correlate it until today with a control issue but that is EXACTLY what it is…always dead on you are…

    I wonder does this go back in it’s depth to the avoidance of criticism against the construct? Whatever it is – it is D-E-E-P. I can’t even describe it, but will refer others to this post to read for the best description of it I can give. Thank you for that. When I explain this to others, they look at me like, “Uh?” but this does a better job at explanation.

    Thanks for the post – very very informative as always 🙂

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    1. Thank you Sarah.

      In such a situation Samantha’s options were limited because she had already engaged with me.
      1. When I rebuffed her, her face fell and that provides me fuel. She persevered trying to get me to confirm that I knew her. This only played into my hands and gave me more fuel.
      2. If, as soon as I had rebuffed her, she had responded with “well, nice to see you anyway” smiled and walked away, she would still have supplied me with fuel through this positive farewell but denied me as much fuel as I gained at one above. She probably would have felt better about the situation as well.
      3. If, as soon as I had rebuffed her, she composed herself and said in a neutral tone, “I know you and you know me. Good bye.” I would not have been afforded any further fuel but if someone does not know what I am they will not do this, they, as someone who always want to get to the truth, will press in order to get me to admit that I know them.

      I think in your situation using silence and humour are the best tools available. You have the advantage that you know what you are dealing with now and yes it is very much an issue of control and of course gathering fuel.

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      1. HG,

        Thank you so much for replying to this. You know this particular subject matters to me a lot and it touches my heart immensely as you always do in a myriad of ways…I am going to send you an email to show my appreciation that will detail in the best way I can describe with words all the emotions I am feeling…but I’m not a “everyone see how I really feel” kind of person, but really appreciate you taking the time to go over this.

        Thank you…thank you…thank you.

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  2. I am oh so familiar with this tactic… “know thyself” <- our biggest flaw is allowing self doubt to enter our minds and secondly, "be temperate" <- are we really going to blow up over something you know you aren't going to win?

    As they say, "Choose your battles wisely".

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  3. the first part of being the best and having the best, rather very common for all kind of Ns and the second part I would say only for the greater.. correct?
    EX-CE-LLENT as always

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  4. Aside from rewriting history for your own purposes, you never admit to someone else that you were mistaken about something and made an error, even if the proof is in black and white and presented to you. This maintains your superiority and provides you with fuel from the exasperated response. Are you able to recognise this inwardly to yourself though? I know you may say that you are never wrong HG, but hypothetically speaking what if you were? Could you admit it to yourself or would this be too painful?

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    1. Correct Rainbow. I can see this myself but it does not serve my purpose to make the admission. I must retain the upper hand in order to retain control.

      1+
  5. Ah yes HG it would be interesting to hear your side of things, usually i am very good at picking my battles then again a good go around can provide much fuel and pulling every emotion i have let build up, which afterwards feels much better even if i still feel the frustration. I know who is in charge.
    I do miss that, smh the things i miss, pathetic

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  6. HG he would warn me when and when not to poke the bear so to say.
    Yet that was him still controling my reactions correct? Making sure he got what he needed when and in what amounts.

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    1. It would ignite my fury and I would deploy a different form of manipulation to steer away from what that person is doing and in order to extract fuel to deal with the wound caused by the criticism Alexis.

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    1. SA!!!! I admire your speech through music but are you ever going to speak to us again here or are you hiding out from the narcs ‘n’ nuts??!!

      Love Always,

      Dragoncreeper <3

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      1. My dearest DC,
        I have missed you so. It is a self-imposed no posting. But I think I will resume.
        I hope this does not offend anyone, but I was over the ass kissing and the scripture and a few other things.
        I like it when we are light, and we chuckle and become silly with him, but if it gets too far off of what this blog is for, then it is not a good healing tool. It becomes a mockery and not legitimate in my humble opinion. I was becoming guilty of this too. I guess we can’t help it.
        I like to direct people to the blog to heal and learn, But as of late it becomes difficult. I hope others read this and not take it as a criticism. I am sure they want HG to succeed and continue helping people. He has a personal email address that he gives to all of us. Use it to tell him how much you love him if you feel the need to say it to him over and over.
        Sorry HG. Ummm on second thought, no, I am not sorry. Piss off. 😉
        She’s back!

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      2. Well…well…well… it would appear that one cannot HATE or LOVE enough for the likes of SOME. I have heard several incidences relating to this notion. Even LOVE has now become an offense to some. I knew this day would come. And, if we choose to “kiss a bit of *aa” now, and then…well, we all have our fleshly desires, after all. Love is not accepted. Hate is not accepted. Perhaps we should be zombies.

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      3. SA, I do not wish for my family, here, to leave me. I have become attached to you all 🙁 It makes me sad to see people go away. I feel the absence, and it pains me very much.

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      4. We will not be going anywhere soon. We like it are too. We all are fans of HG. He is very unique. He really is. I hope he does a TedTalk one day. He would of course have to reveal himself before then and also to be proven to have managed his disorder. This would be the topic. He knows all this too. He would have to have his good doctors attest to the progress. I think now, in this country, with DT on the scene, one can capitalize on the business of narcs and being one. But on the larger scale. I am sure HG is working towards this. We are all cheering him on. He has helped us so why not. Right!

        BTW HG I agree on your assessment of the Donald scenario. >

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      5. I would happily do a TT when I deem the time to be right. The world needs to know.
        Thank you for your agreement re The Donald.

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      6. I have been in time out for fighting with B&T. I have to apologize before I can play.

        B&T I am sorry I said bad things and thought your picture reminded me of a stripper who was beaten by her pimp. I love the new Gravatar. I will move my hair and tilt my head so you can bite me.

        I, at times, do not play well with others.

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      7. But of course HG, they should express appreciation. I do this also. But at times I have had to go brush my teeth because the sugar is so much that it gives me aches.
        This is not meant to insult anyone but there is a way to express gratitude without having a few of us rolling our eyes. OH! HG. 😉
        I am known to say what many are thinking.

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      8. My heart bleeds profusely in his absence; therefore, I die a thousand deaths in my ardent, ravenous love for HG. I am resuscitated by his mere words that are privileged to be on the end of his pen or keyboard. I have been pre-groomed to love one such as this. But, I am trying to heal!! But, it’s difficult!! It is difficult for ‘A’ to become a ‘B’, or a ‘B’ to become a ‘C’! It is difficult to sway our own natural essence, but I know it can be done! I am trying!

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      9. What hurts you? That is your choice to feel this. I only stated my opinion. It should mean nothing to you. >

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      10. I am happy you are feeling better. It is the best feeling right? So always try to feel better.

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      11. Hey Claudia,
        Way o go, DBT! Do they have DBT groups or DBT therapists where you live? It is a great way to learn them

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      12. Thank you, Indy <3 Everybody always gives up on me, but not here. Here, on this blog, is family who are with me. I feel at One on this blog with everybody; no where else do I. Everywhere else, I feel lost and I don't know where to go. It's all so foreign and alien to me, this world place.

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    2. HG did you listen to this song? Do you find it interesting? I think of you now when I listen to it. I have assigned this to you. See how I am, I come with gifts.

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  7. I really enjoy reading the examples that you use HG. I can picture the scenarios unfolding in my head. You make it very clear how you use this tool to your advantage and against us. Great writing!!!
    Thanks

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    1. Hi anteah… That would be me!

      We don’t hide under rocks you know…

      And I responded to you to show you that even your bland sarcastic response to this post will still get results as HG suggests…. but this time your response isn’t a winning one.

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      1. <3 Love you too Snow! Hey, what is the reasoning behind your name?

        I tell people that I will die because I think I am Snow White. I will end up in the forest singing to all of the wild animals and trying to cuddle with a bear who will undoubtedly eat me for dinner. LOL 😀

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      2. Hello DC,
        The name came from my ex. She noticed animals seemed to be attracted to me. I talk to the animals like they are people. Birds, frogs, squirrels, etc. showed up wherever we were. Lol…
        I would be in the forest along side of you singing DC 🎼
        Now I know it’s a red flag but I have come to like it. She probably saw the innocence I share with Snow White and wanted to take me to the dark side…
        And I do wear the costume well. Lol🍎🍎🍎
        HG, you did give me an idea for a new tattoo!!!
        “SW7”, I love letters and numbers put together that others wouldn’t have any idea of what it means.

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      3. The wicked queen and her army are everywhere!!!
        Awareness is what I have learned most here.

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    2. Anteah,
      What brought you to this blog? Were you in a relationship with a narcicist?

      Many here, including myself, did not know the person we fell in love with would switch it up later and engage in various abusive behaviors. It is a strong type of relationship, toxic relationships often create trauma bonds that is akin to Stockholm Syndrome. Please read up on abusive relationship dynamics. It’s not simple or easy to spot and once bonded, it’s not simple to leave. And, we included women/men of all levels of intelligence, success, SES, race, religion, nationality….

      HG has revealed many f his tools here for us to learn to spot them in the future. They are tools that are very subtle and expertly applied, especially in mid to upper range narcicists.

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      1. Hi Indy, I loved that response. ❤️❤️❤️
        It is hard for anyone to understand what we have been through from looking at it on the outside. HG’s kind do an excellent job with their manipulations on us. He is right that we are often left without anyone to understand, believe, and support us. We look crazy to them.
        It reminds me of how people react to my son and I. I am raising an 18yr old autistic son. On the outside he looks just like you and me. Very handsome I might add. Lol.. People are often put off, confused and bewildered by some of his actions and behaviors in public.
        I remembered that there is a group of moms that had put together business cards to pass out to these people to state the condition and expand in it. It was a small, silent gesture to remind people to not be so quick to judge and to educate.
        Sometimes I feel we need one of these or a pamphlet that explains our trauma.
        Something else for you to work on HG. I can’t take you with me everywhere I go. Lol

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      2. SW, my hat is off to you. It is so hard constantly educate people and be the representation and constant advocate for your child. I too was an advocate for my adult son with disability (not autism). I have a four-year-old grandson with autism and I work in the field of autism as well(one of my jobs ). My grandson is the light of my life and a handsome boy as well. My son grow up to be an amazing man, despite his early disabilities and challenges. The brain is very plastic and there is hope. The brain isn’t finished at young ages. I was told at age 4 that my son would never be independent. Based on neurologic activity and endless seizures. He is an adult now, graduated high school, drives a car and is a professional welder. He is the sole supporter of his beautiful little family . There is always hope.
        That is a wonderful idea of spreading knowledge with little cards. My grandson is what you referred to as a runner. And so we had to educate the neighborhood about if he runs he cannot tell you who he is or where he belongs. We have a temporary tattoo on his wrist. Police know too due to this danger as he is a sprinter. Many do not understand outside of the disability world and outside of the world you and I have also experienced with being in relationships with narcissists and abusers. I am so glad I have found the space to be able to share my own frustration, pain, and to learn.

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      3. Hi Indy,
        My hat is back off to you!!! You have also been an advocate for the majority of your life. It’s tough at times. It sounds like you have done a fabulous job. It is wonderful that your son overcame so many obstacles. Good things do happen❤️❤️…do you work in a hospital or office environment? With a specialist or school system?
        I bet your grandson is a joy. He is very lucky to have you as a grandmother. You will be there to fight for him. I love the idea of the tattoo on him.
        I teach 4, 5, and 6 year olds. I have come across many that have a variety of difficulties. I love that age. I have found the debate about the onset of narcissism and 5 being a crucial age very interesting. Environmental vs. genetic. By age 5 a lot has happened in a child’s development.
        We are lucky we have this blog. I haven’t felt comfortable on any other forum or with any other so called “specialist”
        I trust you HG and your advice!
        I was just trying to convince someone today that I’m not crazy. Lol
        Have a good evening XXx🍎

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      4. Hi SW,
        Hugs and apples 🙂
        I work in both hospital/clinic and private practice settings. I work with specialists in two very different areas (Autism and BPD). I am here in this space to heal myself. Yes, even mental health therapists can be fall in love with narcissists and be abused (personally) and be duped by them professionally(particularly the higher functioning narcissist). I am being taught here to help me personally and learn more professionally too. I share your gratitude, for HG and for each of us on this blog. Love and peace to us all and much healing, learning and inner strength. We are all brave as f#$k (yes, you too HG!!!).

        Indy

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  8. Oh, I understand this a little deeper now. Thank you, HG. You see, these methods were the ones that hit me the hardest in my most recent relationship and led me here as I knew they weren’t typical. What I didn’t realize was the prime motivation, to win. Goodness, that is so accurate with me ex. He HAD to win. Like you, he cheated on even stupid games and even taught his very bright empathic daughter why cheating was justified in his perspective (if the other players are too slow and stupid not to catch you, it’s their fault)…..twisted, and a great example of blame shifting. He rewrote history all the time, within seconds of saying something he would deny it or vice versa. I actually got my hearing evaluated as I doubted myself. I never knew when he’d pull out this method and I would be on edge. I was a challenge for him as I question everything and I’m determined…..he wore me down slowly over the nearly 2 years. So, his motive was to win one over me……it makes sense. He also likely both enjoyed the process of duping me and was disguested that I fell for it eventually (showed to him that I was inferior for believing). Well, I figured out it eventually….”cue my theme song for him and I, by Queen Bee Beyoncé (“I ain’t sorry), boy, bye”

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  9. I was -ish.. in many, and its not a war to win for me or people to impress so essentially who cares. Im on both sides, an empath with strong antisocial trates, who has been mostly walking alongside axis 2 folks all my life, being born into such family and later having various relationships with them, but no i dont stay when i see that kind of specific weaving and bobbing. And i am having hard time with understanding why anyone would. But again i dont hide my ignorance, just noting the lack of computing the reasons to stay super long term with a destroyer after you figured out that they are doing some odd mind bending shait. I always leave when i make em. My problem is i only fall for sociopaths.

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    1. Fair enough. it often is misunderstood by many people and I respect that you admit your ignorance. If you would like to understand, reading on trauma bonds is a good start. I wonder why you think you are susceptible to sociopaths. I know for me it would be the initial charm that many sociopaths have, it’s very mesmerizing. Many are also quite smart, another weakness of mine. Higher functioning narcicists have this quality too….this is why many of us here loved them. This blog will help you spot them earlier.

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      1. Control from another, is that which chaos hungers for…it is enticing to have someone take the reins. This control, from another, feels like “caring and love”, though it is not, I fathom.

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  10. I think for me its a familiarity, not having known many healthy relationships, plus the empty buckets that they zero in on and exploit..most of the times i know fromthe get go and still proceed hetting closer. plus i am comfortable with reduced intimacy and a hightened degree of being stuck on self. My relationships w N or S people are rarely exclusive as i dont seek that and rarely qualify as a primary supply.

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    1. That makes sense. I think many here can relate to that feeling of familiarity. If you grow up with it and/or had many relationships with those that are S or N, then it would be familiar. I like that phrase “empty buckets”. I hope you find what you seek here in this blog. There’s a lot of different experiences shared here and lots of solid information from HG.

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  11. I had one Narc that was able to get close enough to start my journey for knowledge. A total of three months of real involvement and now months of reading, researching, listening, therapy.

    I find them to be fascinating in their ability to move through society right under our nose. Charming fuckers.

    This blog helps me discover myself also. I recognize traits I have. I do not seek to destroy on purpose, but I will if need be.

    It is about me, though; I am my favorite subject. While the ladies in the social club talk about each other, I talk about myself, and it is known. They can not get gossip from me on others, so I give them plenty about myself. Besides, I am the most interesting.

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      1. Hello, DC79 How in the heck are you girl? I have been reading but not posting.
        I missed HG and the gang of many, horn of plenty. Cornucopia amounts of love.
        Hi HG, did you miss me?

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      1. Do not worry . ❤ I’m glad You better 😘 I am truly sorry that You have these angry emotions in You. It must be hard to live like that. I am only familiar with happiness and saddness etc. 👄❤

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    1. Calm down Claudiasssssss.
      Can you please fix your keyboard? The “s” key seems to be broken.
      Did you miss me? I am back Gurl and I have your crazy ass back. Calm down.

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      1. I thought we were one big happy family on here, SA 🙁 I am not allowed to love, now?? I am glad you are back, SA; you left bcuz of me??? Ssssssssssssssssssssssssss I thought we were all a family on here:-(

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  12. And, these tools ensnare me! And, I become rapidly addicted! Stockholm Syndrome? Yes, this too. These crumbs are what I quickly jump down to the ground for, lapping up, as quickly, as I can. Hungry hearts are satisfied, and even exceedingly grateful, for mere crumbs!

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      1. Claudia, I agree with 00/, you are part of this place. We are all finding our way down this crazy path of life. Hugsssssss

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  13. I don know what TedTalk is, 00, but I hope he does it, too; (even though it will possibly mean we get him less time 🙁 and, then he goes away… Or, so many fans that he forgets about us, 00. 🙁 Maddie, SA, Indy, 00, and others do not wish for broken hearts, either, I feel certain 🙁 Pardon me if I am speaking falsely against, anyone. I do not mean to. I feel lost, today. Very lost 🙁

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      1. Now I am AH OH. and I am keeping this one. SA are my initials. Stevie Ann or Stephanie Ann. My name and pleasure to meet you.

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      2. Dear Claudiasssss, can you remove some ssssss please> I get confused and Claudia is such a beautiful name.
        May I ask a personal question? Are you in therapy and do you take meds? If so what are they. I understand if you do not care to tell me such private information. I just though it would help me understand you better.

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      3. AH OH, I like your name LOTS. I cannot change my name just right now because I do not feel like it. You can just write Claudia, without the “sssssss”, of you choose to continue writing to me. I was going to change my name to my best friend’s name, with mine name, together “patrykclaudia”, but it would not go thru for some reason.

        As far as therapy: no, I am not in therapy. I do DBT Skills on my own, though. Yes, by all means, I am most definitely on medication!

        I am not at liberty to say which medication I take as it might change the dynamics between the people I speak to on here, and myself.

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      4. I agree, he would be a great Ted Talk speaker! More people, including many mental health specialists need to know this. It’s not taught and it’s not common for them to treat them. It’s a mportant for those of us that love and loved narcicists too. How to spot, how to leave and how to live with when there is little choice. How to prevent those children at risk from developing the pain that is involved in being a person with PD, with mood disorder, with anxiety, with PTSD…..and all the possible consequences of being abused my matrinarcs, patrinarcs, and others.

        This place is beautiful for many reasons, one is the sharing of our internal experiences without a ton of judgement. There is some, sure…but you all know what it’s like. HG knows, he’s been there and now is on the other side revealing this side….it’s needed.

        Will we miss him, Claudia? Of course, sweety. And, part of life is learning that we can have friends/lovers for a just a season, for a reason or a lifetime. Some need to go and grow, some stay and some stray, and some never leave. All can be beautiful.

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      5. He could talk behind a screen. Only his velvety voice and a silhouette. With a Q&A after.

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      6. Indy didn’t you say you are in this field? I believe the request and recommendation would be best received to come from a professional in the metal health profession. I am all about promoting. I do love marketing. >

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      7. I am, though I hate to put it out there(was hoping to keep that fact about me under wraps). I am here for my healing, though when I get into a heated debate with someone that is stating misleading mental healthcare facts, I have to rear my ugly head (smh).

        With that said, I would love to nominate him for a TT as many in my field need to know about what HG shares here. Not enough people in the mental health field are experienced enough to help others that have been abused by sociopaths and/or narcissists or know where to start if a sociopath and/or narcissist shows up in their office. Believe me, where I live (in an urban area), finding one that knows this stuff AND is covered by insurance…nearly impossible.

        I am grateful to HG for his teaching and I know it continues to help me be a better therapist/diagnostician and a more healed individual.

        Much love
        Indy

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      8. Thanks Indy for your input. I am very fortunate to have very close friends in this business who are very good and well educated in this field. I told Scott, he is a psychiatrist, three things Jonathan did to me and his exact words were “get the hell away from him, he has a personality disorder, he is a narcissist. He will never be OK!” I never listen to him.
        My therapist is well versed in this area also. She knows that I come on here and interact with HG. She said I am at the point that I can move on but I think I like it here and I like there interaction with the Gang of Plenty. I like the stories. I have my favorites.

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  14. It makes me want to die, though, when people, (whom I cherish), leave. My heart breaks. I’m afraid one day my heart will break, and it will be the last break of all. It will not be able to break, anymore.

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    1. Claudia,
      You will not die. It hurts, yes. Have you ever looked into joining a DBT group in your area? You would be among those that feel scared about loss too. They help with dealing with the pain of loss and leaving. They teach those skills in those groups. Especially the good ones.

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    1. Sweet Claudia. Most of us hope for forever AND not all things are permanent…..the “only thing that is constant is change”. It is an important lesson for those of us that have attachment issues….we have to learn to let go when it is needed (for our own health)…..it is a hard thing for many people. Myself included. It hurts. It brings back old wounds….and it is what forces us to look at those wounds AND finally heal them.

      Some people are meant to be with us for a season…to teach us.
      Some for a reason….again to teach us…..
      And some, if we are lucky, a lifetime.

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  15. It’s not the gaslighting or stories that hurt. It’s that you don’t love or respect. That deception that finally shakes up our assumption, you are experiencing what we are, and then the shock, “what is the point of the relationship?”
    There isn’t one.

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  16. PS HG why is it you manage to look at your matrinarc objectively and with hatred and yet my brother appears to play and buy into her games?
    Does that make him mid-range?

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  17. He appeared to me to swing between as when you write I can hear him sometimes. He’d take pains to explain others’ games to me if I was looking too pathetic and that irritated him. But he’s not articulate and never reads or is interested in words. He plays to power through romance and entertainment.

    What are the ways your victims change to stay in defeat after the encounter?

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  18. H.G., is there a point where you tell the revised truth often enough that you no longer remember the real truth?

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  19. Is there any way that this type of thing happens and N is unaware or not conscious of it? Like they believe the lie and it would be mistaken for memory glip however it always makes the N into the winner (or victim!, same thing right?), never any other way.
    I’m guessing the answer would be ‘yes’ if this technique has been used as a coping mechanism as a result of some type of early trauma and if the N isn’t self-aware.

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