Is He Alone Now?

 

 

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You have been discarded or perhaps you have succeeded and escaped our grip. You cannot help still but wonder what we are doing, especially if we have discarded you. The thoughts run through your mind repeatedly. What is he doing? Is he thinking of me? Where has he been today? Why have I not heard from him? Why did he do what? What did I do wrong? A thousand and one questions which whirl around in your mind. This is always the case when you have been discarded and even when you made your escape the questions still come thick and fast because so much has not been explained or answered. Furthermore, as an empathic individual you cannot help but wonder what we are up to, what we are thinking and how we feel. It is an automatic response for someone like you and is part of the reason why you remain susceptible to a hoover. Sometimes you may be wondering how we are or how we are managing. You may hope that we are miserable and dejected by losing you. You engage in stalking our social media, driving by where we work or live, have friends ask what we are up to and you will try and contact us direct to try and establish what has happened (where there has been a discard). Whether you escaped or whether you were discarded there are several burning questions on your mind and one of those is; is he with someone else now? You do some snooping and detecting and the answer appears to be, yes, he is alone. There is no sign of a new significant other. There is no mention of a new girlfriend or partner and we have not been spotted with anybody else when we have been sighted around town. We appear to be alone. What does this mean?

          If this situation manifests with the Lesser Narcissist, one has to consider the position where there has been escape and where there has been discard. Those factors apply to two scenarios being in play. The first is the Lesser will be engaged in Bouncing. Addressing Bouncing following your escape first of all.

He will have a new primary source but he will not regard her as a girlfriend. She will in all likelihood an inner or outer circle friend of the Lesser. This is especially likely where you have escaped. With no time available to put in place a replacement who has been cultivated, the Lesser will have erupted and then sought the nearest fuel solace. The easiest way for him to do this, rather than expend energy seducing somebody knew and comparatively unknown or even unknown, would be for him to promote this secondary source into a primary. This person will be “comforting” the Lesser after his awful and terrible treatment at your hands. The Lesser however will not make it known that he as a new primary source because he will want to milk sympathy from onlookers and also use this sympathy to enable him to move to another friend who will offer him “comfort”. Very quickly he will move between these two (maybe more) appliances. One weekend the first person will be his primary source but not referred to as a girlfriend or such like. A few days later he will move to a different one. He has no issue with this. He is accountable to nobody. He has no need to announce the relationship since keeping it quiet affords him more opportunities for fuel.

In terms of Bouncing where there has been a discard, this happens where the Lesser is not completely satisfied that the primary source he was cultivating is embedded as he would like. You may well have been discarded because you failed to provide fuel and this failure is dramatic and took place before your replacement has been properly embedded. Accordingly, the Lesser will be hedging his bets by going between two potential primary sources, alternating between them until he decides which is best and which is embedded. Then he will make the announcements, but until that point he gives the appearance of being alone.

          The second scenario concerns Keeping It in the Family. This is often applicable to the Victim Narcissist. If you have escaped the Lesser, he may promote a family member to be primary source rather than promote an inner circle friend to an intimate partner. He turns to his mother or sister, wailing of his misfortune and how terribly he has been treated. He may move back to the childhood home and this is where he gains his fuel, all of the sympathetic mothering fuel. Hence he appears to have no intimate partner because there is not one. Even if there has been a discard, the Lesser may decide to Keep It in the Family by playing on his woes as he continues to cultivate quietly a prospective primary source.

With the Mid-Range when he appears to have no intimate partner and appears to be on his own, it is not the case. He will have a new intimate partner as a primary source but he does not want you to know about her. Not yet. This is applicable when there is both discard and escape. The Mid-Range, being the most passive-aggressive of the schools of narcissist may not have embedded his prospective primary source with the confidence he would prefer (especially if you escaped) and therefore lacking the raw aggression of the Lesser and the swaggering confidence of the Greater, he keeps a low profile until he is confident that there is a successful attachment. He does not want you knowing about this primary source for fear you may interfere and mess up this much needed source of fuel. It is only when he is confident that the attachment has been secured that he will engage in Relationship Bulletins and the like.

Turning to the Greater. Of all the schools of narcissism, the Greater is able to function for longer without a primary source than the Lesser or Mid-Range. This is because he has extensive secondary sources to whom he can turn. Thus his extensive social circle, loyal Lieutenants, devoted family and admirers who are jostling for position to be chosen as the new primary source will provide him with enough fuel to allow him to function. He will not be at the top of his game and would much prefer to have a primary source in place, but if you escaped and you have pushed the narcissist into Chaos Mode, he will be working to secure that primary source behind the scenes but is content to show that he “does not need anybody” in the meanwhile. Although the reality is he will be clamoring to find a new primary source, he does not want you thinking that. He will want you to think he remains aloof, self-sufficient and not making a bee-line for anybody who will have him. He can be choosier than that. He has standards. This is the appearance he wishes to project and to a degree it is true, but he cannot remain choosy for long, the demands of fuel are ever present and those secondary sources will only sustain him for so long.

          The bottom line is that a primary source is always needed by the Lesser and the Mid-Range, more or less immediately following escape or discard, because of the demands of fuel. It is only an appearance as to why the Lesser or Mid-Range seems single (save when he Keeps It in the Family). The Greater needs the primary source soon, but he can last for longer without one and will revel in demonstrating that to you by saying “I don’t need you or anybody in fact, I am my own man.” It is of course an artifice. The Greater needs his primary source just as much, he is just fortunate because of his grandiosity, magnetism and charm he has far more secondary sources to turn to.

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78 thoughts on “Is He Alone Now?”

      1. Mr. Tudor, can you pls help me? I just found your site. I am starting to read. This man I loved more than life itself. I love the kids too. He was my best friend. I never thought anything like this would happen to us. We were making plans to marry. Had a huge fight for strange reasons, he flipped out. Said terrible things. I ran from him. He blocked me, I pushed him to leave. Went home cried til I threw up. Got up only to hear my brother tell me that he got a call in the night that I am crazy, that I punched him, that I’m dangerous & mentally ill. None of that is true. He blamed & lied about all of it. Never spoke to me. Dumped me thru his older sister. Now telling everyone I’m crazy. I had to leave town bcuz I had booked a vacation for his bday. I went on my own, almost was suicidal. Got thru it but had a drunken pathetic night. I sent him a long email pouring out my heart, how much I live him, want to work it out. I called, texted few times. No answer. Silence. Woke up to 3 lines. Move on. Sorry. Good bye. With a happy face. I almost died right there or total humiliation. I thought he was missing me. 2 days later, which was yesterday, he had his sister tell my family I am harassing him!! He threatened police and restraining order. What the hell is going on??? I did not harras him..was from my heart. Idk what to do. How can he just erase me, try to make both our families hate me. I love him. Want him back. Want our life back..not thus asshole version if himself. Pls tell me how I can do this. I know he has issues, I don’t care. I appreciate so much your help, even if you may ask why wld I do this. I love him.

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      2. Hello Jules,

        You are in the emotional sea and all of this bewildering behaviour of his is entirely typical behaviour of a narcissist.
        You understandably explain that you love him. You are in love with an illusion and what you are experiencing now is the reality, but you are unable to reconcile the two, hence you prefer (and it is the understandable and safer option) to cling on to the illusion.
        In order to save my fingers and to provide you with the most effective method of understanding what is happening, you must read. Reading gives you clarity, understanding and lightbulb moments. It will also provide you with a distraction from what is going on. Until you understand what he is and what he is doing, you will go round and round in this emotional maelstrom. You remaining stuck in this maelstrom is what he wants.
        You should read Evil, Fuel, Fury, Manipulated, Devil’s Toolkit, Black Flag so you understand what he is and what you are dealing with. Once you have done so, you can turn to works which will assist you in terms of countering his behaviours and getting and staying away from him. You also can seek answers through posting here.

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  1. You know HG, I found out having lieutenants is a good thing!! Never realized what they were to me? But I do now!!! 😜

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  2. I just always thought I was just working people to find out what I wanted to know! The nicer I am and the more attentive, the more they just keep talking!! Guess there is a little narc in all of us! Xxx

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  3. After reading all I have read, I stopped asking most of the questions. I do wonder what he is doing at times. I know I do not cross his mind.
    One of the last time we talked he said he feels it will be me in the end and he was sorry because all I did was try to care about him. My response was “And what do you want me to do with that?” Tell yourself that you are sorry. You do not need my forgiveness.”
    He told me he was sorry on the way to a date. What a joke.

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    1. My husband acts like when he’s done he’ll come home and it’ll be us in the end. Just a way to keep me strung along. He told me when he’s single we might work out. And then left me and his son to go be with his girlfriend. 😕 Wtf?!
      I need to stop asking questions. I’m working on it.

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    2. What makes you think he doesn’t think about you?

      I had an ex tell me that he loved me but wasn’t ready to settle down. Since I broke up with him, what made him think that I was ready to settle down? It took me moving to California to get him off my back.

      I think sometimes they disillusion themselves then turn words around and try to make it like they are the ones who still love but made an err in judgement. BS.

      I cannot tell you why yours decided to tell you sorry while he was on his way to another date but you should really think about that. He called you on his way to a date, meaning he was already thinking of keeping you ensnared (so to speak) so he could take you out of his pocket in the future because he already knew that he want you in the future.

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  4. Wow! A most satisfying response to my own post-escape / final discard question — where the heck is my replacement? — both the discard and escape kind of erupted together lol and it’s been so long since a replacement has appeared on the scene I’ve even managed to recover somewhat — with huge input from this blog, thx!! — I can now envision all the family, friends and prospects who are being tapped into to fill the fuel void — thx for the insight HG!! This makes total sense with my ex — lots of secondary and tertiary fuel lines available). But I hope he knows that now that I’ve had a little respite, I will still want to heed my moral duty to warn the new supply when they do go public. Should I expect a Hoover to distract or drain that idea? I know I have only one chance to say what I have to say to the new victim and that she likely won’t believe me (he knows I know what he is and the smear campaign of me will likey play deeply into the seduction of the new victim I’m sure) BUT there will still come a day in one to six months, when the mask will slip or she will be tested with a sudden missile of meanness launched in her naive direction, and she will at least have what I never did — a memory hook, a seed of wisdom planted, an uncanny prediction of what to expect when she least expects it and the risk she takes by not heeding my or his early warning. I will leave it at that and leave her my number for that fateful day when she finally is set free and needs to call a friend!!

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      1. Hey HG, what goes through your mind when you find outva former primary fuel source dies — I don’t mean from suicide or anything as a result of you but just generally — does it affect you to lose one of your appliances? Do you react by feeling the need to secure some new or stronger fuel lines or do you just think, ‘oh ok’ — just wondering if your construct geeks threatened in any way. You are still young so you may not have appliances dying off but because you have had so many partners, some may have passed away. As always, I’m curious about everything, thx, FuelFL

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      2. I would be disappointed to learn that a source of fuel and one which I might hoover has been lost. I see the death as an opportunity to gain fuel from other people, family members and friends of the deceased.
        If my fuel situation is good, it does not concern me to any great degree because my needs are being met, all I have lost is the potential for fuel through hoovers and there will be plenty of others who can fill that gap.

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  5. I haven’t hardly wondered what my last one is doing. Im pretty sure she’s being her boring old self, sitting there writing her countless school papers for fuel and abusing her ‘collared’ and very bamboozled gf bdsm style and her ‘friends’ in push pull/triangulate/withhold/lie to them ways. Another words – mad fun!..

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  6. I think at this point it’s time to let go and worry about yourself. I do sometimes let him lurk in my head and I feel hurt because of my loss of the golden period but then I remember I didn’t mean that much to him. It was all a game. Are they happy? Probley not… Is he drowning himself in alcohol…. Have no idea. Doesn’t matter. I am healing myself and I am getting better. I do have my good and bad days but I refuse to be depressed… Such a waste of my time. Let me concentrate on one day at a time and be happy for that period. I got this

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  7. It doesn’t matter. Based on his last message to family and the hoovers maybe he is alone. They (family) can have him back. I won’t take him back. A milestone is coming up. I broke contact around this time last year. I will NOT do the same this year. No…no…no.

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      1. Thank you DC, I will. Before tbis weekend I would have thought a mom breastfeeding a child to that age was bizarre…I watched a youtube video about a level 9 N who brutally killed his parents. His mom BATHED and dressed him until he was in his teens. The scary thing is that his attorney used NPD for a defense…and he was found guilty of manslaughter.

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      1. Why is this HG? Why are we important. You are also important to me and I will step out on a limb and say you are important to everyone else on here. >

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  8. I always figured Tubster was sleeping with his mom. She breast fed him until he was 5 you know….

    He has been scouring the dating sites all day long for almost a year …guess he is being picky huh? He’d always say “I deserve more”. Lol

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    1. Ew… my exhusband was breast fed for almost as long, I think a little longer. I just cannot imagine you calling your child in, from playing outside with his friends, to suckle. How horrible is that!

      And you just have me giggling over here. I also told my ex to go sleep with his mother because I was done with it all!

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  9. “Is He Alone Now?”

    Whoo Cares, as long as he’s NOT with ME!

    (he can be some other slore’s problem now.

    will tell her how every chapter will end.

    *yawn*… 😉

    oh, & be safe, chica

    he IS a

    #lyinsackapeupeu!)

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      1. Why do some of us view our replacement with such revile? Why don’t we as former victims and now healing survivors all feel worried, sad, troubled protective and concerned for them? We know what the NPD is capable of, why do some of us direct our hurt pain anguish anger and revulsion of what the NPD did to us on the future victim??

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      2. I have found that the majority response of the victim is to be concerned about the replacement and usually to try to do something to warn them, even though that is usually a thankless and futile task.
        It may be that the concern is absent in some instances because:-
        1. You blame the replacement for causing your own discard (especially if you have not worked out what you have been entangled with);
        2. It is easier to blame the replacement than blame the person you still love, even though your head tells you that you should, your powerful emotions override that;
        3. You fear the replacement might actually make us happy and get it right. You don’t want that. You want them to fail, to be out of the way and for you to win us back.
        4. There may even be a latent recognition that you cannot (or will not) lash at us with any effectiveness so you turn your anger onto a different target instead.

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      3. So what you’ve written here is pretty accurate. And you’ve explained why he keeps his affair secret still and tries to claim it didn’t happen ( even though he texts her constantly when my kids are with him). Thank you for that as I didn’t get it. In my case the replacement did cause the discard as she started the affair. The narc was not capable being a covert victim in the extreme ( you remember him, mr warp speed formula). She had flagged earlier to me she admired the narc for his involved parenting ( as organized by his then wife) I didn’t realize she was admiring him and planning to help herself. Clearly she has been hit with the category b stick herself…although she’s a somatic; he was cerebral, she’s tried to convert him to a somatic by tidying up his dress and making him buy expensive designer clothes all the while they both try to cover up their behaviour ( they didn’t have sex before I discovered them so it was t an affair just a kind and supportive friendship …build on trashing me to split my husband from me so she could have him…and of course being the vulnerable victim the narc sucked it all up and did exactly as he was told). I do think/know to a degree she became part of a delusional fantasy for him..he admitted he felt like he was in a film ( no doubt a rom com in which he was the savior of this poor woman and she saved him from me). Of course once I told others what he had done none of it happened and I’m accused of harassment for telling others what he did o^O. So the replacement is not always the innocent party sometimes there is an ego-syntonic relationship based on them both being narcs and supporting each other’s world view. In my experience narcs don’t do well living with someone who doesn’t have empathy so I suspect long term they won’t survive, but he has her best friend and other narc (more vulnerable like him) as a back up…all of this is kept secret because these woman are not Christians despite their value to him …so he spends his Sunday’s seeking out churches where no one knows me where he can find some Christian woman who he can tell his victim story to and she will marry him and serve him as I did before I was broken. I do refer to the woman who plucked him from the marriage as a slut because she is. Her poor husband died in the middle their affair leaving the way clear… But she shared her feeling on him before the poor guy died. His problem was volunteering in a community club. Bad man. So I think I have every right to heap trash on both of them, although I acknowledge they deserve each other they are both unpleasant people…and its familial the daughter of the woman is a bully at age 9’and has bullied 2 other children out of the school…apple …tree! And I know he’s happy living his hedonistic life pleasing himself only doing what makes him feel good. He said in couples counseling he felt guilty doing what made him feel good ( his mother clearly tried to condition the Npd inherited from his father out of him and in the process made him feel guilty for doing what made him feel good …i.e. Hurting others) and he only did stuff for others out of obligation. He clearly overcame this and now hurts others not on his bus as a way of life. And the obligatory things like being a good parent have fallen by the wayside. I blame both of them for what has happened but I know she planted the seed that gave him permission to stop being a covert narc in touch with reality and invited him to blossom into a full blown narc by supporting his entitlement complex rather then keeping it realistic ( as I and his mother had always done). She let the monster out of the cage, fed it encouraged it, split him from me by twisting my depression and anxiety into being aimed at him. His is now the monster his father was. The man he avoided for 12 years. And he would not listen to anyone but the slut because I had been devalued and finally discarded because I refused to tolerate the behaviour and he was about to be fully exposed. Prior to this his mother then me and his involvement in the church and his solitary working from home kept the Npd monster locked away. Releasing the monster I have seen stuff that he used to do “as a joke” or suggest as a joke, he now does them for real, like fraud…he works in IT… I’m his first victim. Wondering where that will end!

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  10. Reading your posts is like an insight into me and my soon to be ex-husband. Good luck to his new girlfriend… I feel like questions are being answered just by reading your words, my life. And while it doesn’t take away the pain, it gives me a grasp on what I have been dealing with for so many years and the tiniest bit of understanding. thank you…

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    1. Hello Judi, there are many similarities in the way we behave and by gaining understanding it makes a huge difference to your ability to deal with the emotional impact as well. Welcome on board.

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  11. Whether they are alone or not? If you have been a victim of this abusive cycle …and NOW you are FREE! What does it matter or who cares about what they’re doing with someone else. It’s the SAME pattern and they will be discarded! Not a matter of “if” …it’s a guaranteed “when”.

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    1. I care. I care NPDs are planning to harm a new person. I believe it is my moral duty to give myself one calm, complete, concise and factual attempt to warn them off … I am learning now, in observing the time lag between my own discard / escape and the replacement of his primary fuel source, just how much careful planning is involved to select someone new and outside of old networks where I or other former victims may cross paths … I also believe time is needed to give the Greater NPD time to establish himself in the new target’s network, such as her yoga or hiking or gym or church or whatever community … that I am far removed from to ensure no interference from me … I agree with HG telling us our warnings will fall on deaf ears — that by the time we find out about a Greater’s new partner, the hooks are deeply sunk in. However, I really wish someone had at least said something to me to plant a seed of doubt for later…so that I could have begun to put the puzzle together sooner and got out, before all those years and years had passed, yeesh!

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  12. My ex and I broke up just over 3 years ago. He has had 4 gf in this time and proposed to the last gf after 7 weeks, telling her we were divorced, which of course is not true at all. She turned him down and he came to me asking for relationship advice as to what he should etc. I quickly made it known that I am not his Therapist and he should not be discussing his relationships with me. Since then, he packed up and moved in with his parents, who mind you have talked about him behind his back for many years and even warned me off marrying him. Is this just supply for him. His mother says he is happy blah blah. What does this tell me? Any insight would be appreciated, thank you.

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    1. Hello Gennine, thank you for your post. He has allocated the role of primary source to his parents (probably his mother) as a consequence of his intimate relationships failing and the wounding comment you made to him. The primary source is usually an intimate partner but can in some instances be someone else and it in those instances it is usually a family member.

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      1. Hi HG, thank you so much for your insight, it really is quite intriguing. I guess I just never thought he would go back to the very people (his parents) that he said put him down all his life. I guess supply is supply and if that is the only place he can get it for now, then it will suffice until a new fuel source enters the picture. I have read some of your books and find the mind very interesting indeed. All the best on your journey and I hope you learn from us as much as we do from you 🙂 Cheers.

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  13. Hi HG, are they really ever alone. If they are alone in a romantic sense, do they always look elsewhere, family, friends etc to find supply, or can they be alone for a while to figure out their next move? Wouldn’t this supply not be as interesting as an intimate/romantic partner, or are all sources of supply viewed the same (fuel)? Your insight would be much appreciated, thank you.

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    1. We can be alone for a period of time, dependent on how well-fuelled we are and also if we have access to fuel through technology. Your questions will all be answered by reading my book Fuel and it will save my fingers!

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  14. Could you please tell me whether it would be within a matrnarc’s tactic bag to HIRE cars with a numberplate that has her pet name for me on them and to organise for them to be around me when I’m on the road?

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  15. Looooollll she is an idiot!!!
    I’m realising now the petname and my entire character are a construct to keep me chained to her.
    All I need to do is find the same comfort, security and warmth in my own house.
    She doesn’t realise how much I don’t even like her. I liked the reflection of me. I learned very young she was my appliance too. So we had a business deal.

    I’d like to ask some questions because I’ve had narcs around me my whole life and it has affected my mentality. Which of these would be a narcissist’s true worldview, or which could have been said aloud regularly to make me depressed?

    I am nothing. Life is meaningless.

    My success means nothing.

    What are we doing here? We are all failures.

    I’m trapped and I can’t do anything differently. I must stick to this rigid regime.

    I need to have complete ownership over my territory, house, possessions and community. I do anything I can to not let these change. I choose life experiences that keep control over these things.

    My only value is my image.

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  16. I mean I just can’t get past the low self esteem. They do indeed show up every day and keep ploughing away but the black hole always gets to me and I end up sick from it. They are just not excited to be anywhere.

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  17. Hello HG
    It’s been 8 months since I was discarded,,, I’ve made it so easy for him in that time as I have always initiated the contact to see how he is,, as he’s a recovering alcoholic. In our periods of intense chat he would phone up to 7 times a day as he needed my support. An incident happened this Friday,,, he got caught out as another woman phoned him while he was stood next to me, when I questioned him he blew up at me, said him and I are only friends and rushed out the door and was gone, to see the lady no doubt, this will be the 4th woman,,, the last one lived two streets away from me. I have now blocked every avenue of contact I was so damn hurt as he said no one else was on the scene.Where do I go from here to get off this emotional merry go round?? And to cause maximum discomfort to him,,,,will the forever silent treatment do it? Thanks! 😁

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    1. Hello Nikki and thank you for your post, it is not an uncommon situation your find yourself in at all. He regards you as his secondary source, hence the comment and yes, he will have gone to see the woman. Maintain No Contact and read the book of the same name to assist you in that regard. This will infuriate him when he tries to effect a hoover against you and will force him to go to other sources of fuel and leave you alone. Exorcism will assist you with getting off the emotional merry go round and I would also suggest FUEL and Black Hole. Revenge may be of interest to you down the line. I would also recommend keep reading and contributing here so you can offload and do so without repercussion viz a viz him.

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      1. Thank you HG, the emotional pull is a killer not to unblock my phone etc, but reading all your posts I realise that is the only way to break free so I have to stay strong! What’s interesting is I’m a very strong woman ordinarily, but the thought he is with another woman makes me feel sick, why is that? I should pity them for what they are also going to be put through, it’s madness HG!

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      2. Absolutely! I kind of hope he’s suffering as much as me atm! Which is not the nicest view to take but it’s true 😳

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  18. Thank you HG, two of your books are on there way to me exorcism and no contact both very relevant to me at this time.

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  19. I want you to really look at the role of mirroring. Can I send you a fascinating email in which ex narc displays openly explicit mirroring as he tries to convince girlfriend he’s into fashion like her ( 23 years of marriage I couldn’t get him out of track suit pants and ugg boots or shorts and thongs, jeans constituted formal wear). He now wears jeans constantly and purchases designer clothes. All to impress her mirror her. In the email she gets all excited because he’s ‘discovered fashion’ …vomit. Not sur of the address to flick it too.

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