Why is He Always in My Head?
“He is always in my mind.”
“Try as I might I just cannot get him out of my head.”
“I can’t stop thinking about him.”
I am sure such comments or similar have been made by you at some point about the narcissist in your life. We have this formidable capability to get into your head and remain there for a long time which evokes bittersweet reactions from you at best and utter miserable frustration at worst. I have written about ever presence previously, namely that ability we have to ensure that you keep thinking about us, even when you have been pushed to one side or if you have sought to go no contact. This insidious form of manipulation is pervasive and very difficult to deal with, but how is it so effective?
Like much of our effectiveness it actually comes down to you. As an empathic individual you are much more susceptible to our method of remaining in your mind which is achieved by encoding. Since you care about others and take an interest in the thoughts, actions and well-being of other people, you have been wired to take on board stimuli from other people in a far more effective manner than others. Take my kind for example. We are so focussed on ourselves and what we need that we are not wired to be especially encoded by what others do. Our minds are nearly impervious to the actions of others. It is as if they are so full of what we do and what we want that there is no room for anything or anyone else. You on the other hand are like a sponge and you soak up the words and actions of others. Combine your susceptibility with our determined application of suggestion through what we say to you and what we do for you then the outcome is a devastating form of encoding which creates powerful and near indelible memories in your mind.
Through our visual encoding of your mind, you create a vivid mental picture and this will be recalled in pin-sharp crikey vision time after time. Every detail of a particular scene will be recalled by you and it is ingrained in your mind deeply through this encoding. The more you recall it, the more it becomes ingrained as if you are wearing a groove in a piece of wood. We make particular use of music (think how often your narcissist used certain tunes to woo you and/or create special moment) to achieve acoustic encoding. Our voice is used in this way as well by the careful selection of key phrases which will resonate with you. You always remember the things that we say because we have encoded them into your mind. Similar encoding occurs in respect of taste and scents as well as tactile encoding. Accordingly this quintet of senses is assailed by all the things that we say and do in order to achieve this encoding. We create powerful memories so that you have no option other than to recall them and with that comes the emotional attachment. You will remember so much of what you have done with us compared to say what you have done with family, friends and colleagues. You will recall more memories, in greater detail and more often when they involved us because of this deliberate encoding.
You might think this was enough in terms of the efficacy of this method of affecting you, but it does not end there. Most narcissists are male and thus it follows that the majority of victims are female. In general terms, women remember events better than men (men have better spatial memories) and therefore you are genetically pre-disposed to remember all those occasions and dates you spent with us in such detail. Females remember pleasant memories in better detail than men, thus this is a further reinforcement of why you can summon up such powerful memories of the golden period and why it hurts you so much. Conversely, in general terms, men remember unpleasant events better than women who tend to recall them in a ‘blurred’ manner. This is why despite the abuse you have suffered the golden period memories tend to triumph. It is not the case with everyone, admittedly, but generally this holds good. Add to this the fact that women’s memories retain more of their potency through the advancement of age than men and you will see why your memories of us are so difficult to shake. Not only do we specifically encode your minds, which are primed to accept this more than other people, your gender also makes you more susceptible to retaining these detailed and vivid memories of the when everything felt wonderful.
These memories are deeply ingrained and very hard to dismiss and remove, even with professional help. Combine this efficacy with the fact we leave you exhausted and broken, it is little wonder you cannot shift us from your minds. Everyone knows how difficult it is to think straight when you are tired. Little wonder then that we always loom large in your mind when you have been exhausted and shattered by our behaviour.
These memories of the golden period are massively powerful and all of the above means that for someone like you, you will often think of them and suffer the emotion that is linked to them .It is a devastating weapon in our armouyr. Pretty memorable eh?
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Thank you for sharing. This article explains so much. I was married to a Narcissist for 19 years. He’s still in my brain. I have nightmares of him. When I see him in the store I hide. I’m terrified of him. He is evil. His father is one too. I felt so badly for his mother. She stayed with him because she was raised to believe when you get married you stay married regardless. They are both in their 80s now. She will probably go to her grave being mentally abused by him.
Having been active on this blog since August 2015, there have been other readers who were struggling with the children of their intimate partners or their own, in fact, searching for some answers that could assist in navigating the relationship. HG addresses co-workers, parents, children and yes, intimate partners, which is the most prevalent audience here, at this time. Has HG admitted it’s difficult for him to advise on relationships with children since he does not have children, yes. But, he is also a child of quite the Narcissistic Queen Bee so he does have that perspective as a point of reference. That could transfer vital info for a step parent who may be dealing with their step child or the mother of that child being narcissistic.
Typically the parents or step parents do not last as long here because they realize something is wrong and do seek professional therapy. Personally if I don’t relate to someone’s situation I just don’t read it. There’s plenty of info to go around for everyone.
Well put Clarece.
I disagree but I digress…
I will say this as my last statement on the matter, HG is struggling with his own upbringing and we can clearly see this in his posts and also his locked away monster. He cannot give proper advice on child narcissism because he does not feel compassion, he was the victim in that situation, not the mother.
The ONLY thing that pisses me off is someone assuming something about a child and using GOOGLE to find ways to correct it. If you want to help then you step up and get the proper help, don’t ask a narcissist how to deal with a “possible” narcissist child. AND I have never heard of one parent not being able to get help for their child. Do you know what my ex said about me getting help for my daughter? “Do not take her to a therapist, she will lie and get me in trouble”. That is a statement of guilt for his actions… do you think I care about his worries if he can’t care about his own childs?
You want to know why children become the hateful, narcissistic and selfish adults we all are on here for? For each crappy parent that won’t step up to the plate to guide and love them. For each crappy parent that didn’t want to deal with them so they bought them everything and let the television babysit.
It is one thing to ask questions, it is another thing to ask questions and apply techniques you are learning… do it with an adult, leave the kids to properly trained professionals before you screw them up more, before you take them to a darker place then they already are.
Ah Oh what disturbs you most? Is it that Sarah is married and asked HG personal questions regarding sex? Humm, is so Sarah ask more questions like that😊HG please respond providing detailed accounts.
Naughty Entertainment!
I would have to be inclined to agree with AO
Be here because you are curious, be here because you are concerned but do not use your step child as the reason, if that is not the case.
Nobody is going to save HG but himself, if he so chooses. You can only appreciate someone else if you appreciate yourself first!
H.G
I apologize, for the repost.
No problem, I only addressed the new element re Hugh.
This blog resounds very loudly with me.
Thank you Passiel.
And I would like to further note in my discussion that Christians should be ashamed – on HG’s forum of which the header reads as “EVIL” more love and kindness was shown on an issue of religious debate than ANY church I have been. That in itself speaks for itself and God judges the heart. Thank you Anna….and thank you, HG, but I just thought I would throw that out there. It actually says A LOT – God looks at actions – not words.
Oh and another thing, I sent an original link to Anna and I’s discussion on this blog to my old Sunday School Teachers who ABSOLUTELY refused to address this question with me. Yes, yes I know – extreme – but my point was this: when more love and kindness is shown in a place that does not even pretend to represent what does that say about the places that do? God looks at the heart and thank GOODNESS for that!
No problem, I always enjoy discussion and debate.
And that is why I respect you greatly and always will 🙂
Thank you Sarah.
יהו יהוה,
HG and Sarah,
Firstly, HG to allow such a discussion on your blog is truly an act of loving kindness. I am thankful for your help and your direction in dealing with the narcissistic people in my life. I know you say these acts are residual effects. However, what ever reason for your thinking you are doing this blog, the benefits to others are surely counted as fellow feeling and most merciful to all of us. 1,000 hugs and kisses 4 U.
Sarah,
I am happy that the Bible verses and explanations of them that I gave you has helped you. I thank you for your willingness to open your mind and heart to new ideas. You have a willing spirit. But I must say that all thanks and glory and honor go to the most high God יהוה. I can’t take any credit for pointing out what his word the Bible says. But everyone needs scriptural guidance and direction. If I know where to find the answer and do not speak, it would be wrong to hold it back. Jesus himself was called the great teacher. Disciple means taught one. So we are technically disciples of HG, like that eh, HG? Another thing, I’m sorry you were refused an answer from your Sunday school teacher. I have come across this many times. You are correct that God is the reader of hearts. I hope she turns around and is moved to examine it for herself. But you however have an opportunity to learn still as you are seeking answers. One of the greatest scriptures is this. Jeremiah 29: 11-14a. It says ‘For I well know the thoughts that I am thinking toward you,’ declares God, ‘thoughts of peace, and not of calamity, to give you a future and a hope. 12 And you will call me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.’ 13 “‘You will seek me and find me, for you will search for me with all your heart. 14 And I will let you find me,’ declares God.” Beautiful thought he wants us to come to him. He wants to give us a future and a hope. He addresses us personally by saying he knows the thoughts he has about each one of us and they are not negative thoughts, not ones of calamity. Isn’t that a lovely way to see how God sees each one of our potentials?
Sarah I am formulating a reply to your latest writings. I should have it hopefully by tomorrow. I hope kind Sir Tudor continues this discussion and I will ask him nicely to please do so. ♡♡♡
Anna! I look forward to your response!! (and thank you HG for posting thus far <3 You wrote: "I hope she turns around and is moved to examine it for herself. But you however have an opportunity to learn still as you are seeking answers." What do you mean by that?
You are Always on my mind… I hope Your book Exorcism help me with it…what do You think dear G?
Undoubtedly.
You might need a preist…
Watch “The Ninth Gate” – Johnny Depp
That is an excellent film. If I recall correctly the actress who played the “demon” was also being attended to by the director. Johnny Depp suited this role as I regard him as being more European than American, I guess Vanessa Paradis had something to do with that.
I do believe that is how MOST new comers (women in america) get their starting roles… *I’ve seen more than I care, there are tons of creeps in Hollywood*
I also agree with you in regards to Johnny Depp, he does immerse himself into his roles and plays them well.
DC,
1. What is your view of men that utilise the power in their gift in this fashion?
2. What is your view of women who engage in doing this in order to progress their careers?
1. I have no view of men who do this… more power to them. If I were a director/ producer, maybe I would have chosen that route as well. I assume fame and money has its insecurities of trust. But in my experience I would not give them the time of day on the street so why would I sell my soul to the devil for a false promise of stardom. I have even had nasty husbands of FEMALE directors promise to offer roles. That is not my problem they are emasculated by their wives. I would rather be in the silent good graces of these female directors than in the bed of their disgusting (and mostly unattractive) husbands. And I can assure you that they each promised a contract awaited me, still not interested.
2. I think that if a woman is comfortable doing this than it is her choice. It is her body. I might have been swayed had I felt some sort of desire for any of the guys who offered… but there was absolutely nothing there for me.
Since we are on this subject… if Johnny Depp asked me and promised me a role… damn straight I’d take it. No strings attached. Purrrrrr…
Thank you, I found your response interesting.
You are welcome but what do you find interesting about it?
Also, I would like to note that I do follow the girl code. If a man is married and I am aware, I do not and will not engage… regardless of how attracted to him I am. This applies to all aspects of my life.
The pragmatism.
Do share when you can, B!
That’s happened to me as well, w/ a reply, lol!
As so many here have wisely stated, ultimately this narcnonsense is…about us! ♡
Love it, another great HG topic, where we’re all learning so much 😀
Xox
Thank you ICGB.
ICGB, it is very difficult for me to talk about myself, I am more of a listener than a talker. I was taught to keep quiet about things that make me sad or that hurt me. I was taught to deal with these things as if they don’t exist. What I am learning though is that I must face these things and speak about my experiences in order for me to find myself and if I’m lucky, possibly help others by sharing my story. I also know HG learns from us as well. So as uncomfortable as it may be I will start with where I was in life when my “N” slipped through the cracks of my gaurded wall.
His timing in finding me was perfect, to no surprise now. I had recently lost my brother in a horrific car accident along with my 3 year old niece, and her mama. My 6 year old niece was the only to survive the accident and left in critical condition. My brother and I shared the same father but different mothers. I never had a relationship with our father and he had passed away 12 years ago. So when my brother died I had no one to turn to for support. I tried going to my mom even though I knew she would turn her back on me. As I suspected I was told not to talk about it. Pretending it didn’t happen wasn’t working this time. So I started questioning everything in my life that was pretend, including my father and myself. I went to my mother and asked for answers. I did not get all the answers I wanted, but I got enough to know that I was lied to my entire life, by the one person I trusted, my mother. These answers were causing me a lot of hurt and I wished I would’ve stayed in my pretend world. It wasn’t long after that I met him. I learned that he had recently lost his father (whom I believe he inherited his narcissistic behavior from) as well. I immediately felt a bond with him. On our first date we talked for hours. He opened up to me about a lot of his life and not leaving out the bad or the dark parts. This made me connect to him even more. I felt he just might understand me. If he was telling me these things now, that would make most women run in fear, then I could trust him… he is being real. That was the start to the engraving.
I was so lost and confused when he found me. He is the only one I have felt a strong connection with. For the first time I felt like I knew who I was and where I belonged. Now I just sit here in the same place he found me… lost and confused.
Ah Oh hit it!
So true:
The ONLY thing real about a narc is it is NOT real!
My sister told me that @ the beginning…!
When I ask myself WHY I allowed that in my life, then, I go back to a quick self-examination of *where* I was in my life at that time.
Explains a lot. Xox
Hello ICGB, so weird I had just typed a reply to your last comment to me. I was explaining where I was in life when I let him in and why I believe this to be the reason he is so engraved in me. I don’t know what happend, but just as I was about to send it I lost everything I had just typed. I took that as a sign that maybe I shouldn’t go there, as it is not something easy to talk about. Now I see this that you say, so maybe this is a sign that I should share? I have many things I need to get done today so I will get back to this topic soon. Thank you for sharing your thoughts 😊
Interesting discussion, great inputs from all ♡
Whoever said about having more of a male brain, i’d respectfully vary a bit —
Your personal boundaries are just better intact, stronger — you know what NOT to accept & have the self-confidence to ACT on it, good job!
What’s the expression, “Kick ’em to the curb,” hahahaa!
Re: music, my ex-narc liked several depressing bands from the ’80s & ’90s, I couldn’t listen, noo depressing music allowed in my head, ha! But he always seemed kinda depressed, anyway, sad to see when there’s help.
I saw Muse live @ Hollywood Bowl about 6? years ago w/ my chinese then-boyfriend, what an Amazing show, fireworks, laser lights, etc., wow! Great band, beautiful memory! ☆
HG,
As I begin to understand more, is it fair to say that is never, nor will ever be, real?
Sarah, what is it that you are referring to as not real or ever will be real?
Sorry HG – not my best written question at all – what I am trying to write is how does a non-NPD associate truth of what is real verses a manipulation with an NPD?
Take this example as the question is hard to understand: My stepson called me “mom” the other day. I didn’t correct him, because I wanted to assume that it was an element of his reflection of us getting closer – but then to find out, he had been involved in a week long scheme to steal a little under $1500 as the totals reflect before he was effectively caught.
This is where I get lost in mental masterbation if you will with NPD of what is real and what is just part of a manipulation. My brain wants to hold onto some part of “truth” as in was my stepson feeling a level of closeness when he called me ‘mom’ or was it related to making me feel good to cover his tracks?
It is difficult to ascribe any interpretation to the use of one word in such circumstances where there is already a lack of clarity.
Thanks for your kind and honest response – I think I will take that as a very nice way of saying: no, but I would rather be mad with the truth than sane with the lies as the old saying goes 😉
A NON-NPD? Are you kidding? What the hell is that? I think you mean normal person. oh boy, word salad. I need a life away this. >
Ah-Oh, I am definitely a non-NPD – I feel everyone’s emotions all the time and often without warning. The hallmark of NPD is lack of empathy – I don’t have a choice but to feel – therefore, I can apply empathy and walk in the shoes of others almost exactly. If that is how you define normal, then I am normal. I have long stopped with labels as they prevent change and growth, but I choose to help others – not hurt them for my own personal gain – in the end, that choice is what I believe defines who we are. As I know you are atheist, we have differing views of the afterlife, but to each his own – that is what makes us individuals and unique.
Correct Sarah, The only thing real about a Narc is it is not real. You are one of many. You are no different than the next. This is the only thing that is real.
Your husband is real, is he not? Is he the Narc? Because you ask questions that seem to blur the lines if you are helping a child.
Sorry HG, strange overtones.
AH Oh,
Agreed my question was poorly phrased, but I also appreciate your direct answer. I clarified to HG what I meant, but agree with you that my question was vague. I often hold back reservation on specific examples as I know that my situation is very different from other commenters, but am going to try to post them as long as HG is okay with it as it’s hard for me to relate in some ways when I have never been through the romantic relationship with a Narcissist based on the following:
1. I have never been, nor am I in the recovery of, a romantic relationship with a Narcissist. I may be in the recovery with my stepson as it has been a long two years, but some of the applicable facts differ for me.
2. I am also trying to re-translate the concepts to a child level in order to understand the mindset for better communication between him and I.
Another reason is helping identify and relate with their mother and HG, who is the only one consciously aware talking about his condition. Like taking the situation and putting myself in their shoes so I can relate with it on some level to understand the difference between how I perceive reality verses how they do so I can establish an effective medium of communication. I will be the first to say that maybe it is my means of communication but thanks for pointing it out. I appreciate it so it helps me be more aware and helps me with my learning 🙂
Perhaps you should let your husband share in the blog, after all it was his journey with his ex. It appears that your intentions are not what you present. But this is your journey. Be careful as everyone can be discarded.
Sent from my iPhone
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Ah Oh, I actually took your last suggestion and we listened to HG’s radio interview – he passively reads the blog but he is not a member. As far as my intentions are not what you think I present, I have two goals: 1) understand and 2) interpret- I started here not even understanding anything and am getting a lot closer, but it’s still difficult. Perhaps you see some subconscious intention that I don’t? If you tell me directly, I can evaluate the validity as usually I am good at that if it is made aware to me or how my actions are being translated by someone else . I merely seek to find ways in which I can relate to the NPD way of thinking without having to change who I am. This has been a frustrating relationship for my stepson and myself, but so long as it is not frustrating to HG or someone else that matters here – I seek to learn and know that after two years, there seems to be a communication issue directly with the NPD and how I relate but that may very well result in a no contact or discard – time will tell.
As I said your journey, happy learning. If I was looking for information about a teen narc it would not be here. Just saying. Perhaps your pastor can help too.
Sent from my iPhone
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I am confused to why Sarah is being judged so harshly? We are all here to learn and gain knowledge. Just because she may not walk in our shoes does not mean she should be turned away for trying to educate herself. We all have our own story that brought us here, not one the same, each different and unique in their own way. I believe she is exactly where she should be.
Judging? Perhaps. But to claim one is here for a teen who has not been diagnosed, as far as I can read by the post, is absurd. I am a mother of three sons and I would not be asking a man in his forties personal questions on his sex encounters with females. Makes no sense. I would be surprised if her husband knows she asks another man these questions. I do not care what she does but do not use a child to further intentions of what a man does. I have read numerous books, not all of HG’s and have friends who are in the business of mental health. This is not the place to be for a child. By all means get educated on here but there comes a point where the interest for the child has ceased. I question why I am still on here. I only had a few months with a narc, so what are my reasons? I don’t hide them, read everyone of my posts. I just call a spade a spade. I would have more resect for someone who does not hide behind veils.
Hence the Gravatar picture. A picture says a thousand words. My opinion.
I followed Sarah to see how she progressed for her stepson because I am a mother. I have found that she is not forth coming with her intentions. My opinion again. Like assholes we all have them.
Ask away Sarah, I am sure HG’s adult escapades are in line with your young teen.
>
Thank you AH OH for explaining. I see your point. I appreciate your observations and realness. Very kind of you to point Sarah in the right direction in regards to her step son. I do agree with you on that. It could be the questions she had regarding her step son that led her here, but maybe she can relate some of what she has learned to other areas in her life that do not reflect her son… not separating the two in her questions. Maybe she does not feel comfortable in revealing that. We must be completely real with ourselves before we can have a complete understanding to the answers given. Totally get what you’re saying here. HG has given me great knowledge and has been so kind to answer all of my questions, but I have also learned so much from all of you as well. So if there are orher reasons for Sarah being here I do hope she will feel comfortable enough in letting us know so that we might learn from her experience as well. I guess the only person who really knows that answer to that is Sarah herself.
Again, I stand by my statements on Sarah. She should be honest with herself. Now she claims she is helping HG with his learning? Really? This man has had every kind of person that there are molds for on earth. He is a master and I bet he can call us out on every intentions we try to hide. This is was he has mastered. I find it almost insulting. I wonder just how ignorant she is. My opinion.
We are here to learn about adult relationships with a Narc. To think we teach him anything. I would never claim this. NEVER, we would have to be a Narcissistic Sociopath to start with.
I get frustrated with people and the games they play. I can see right through them. It was my job for many years.
And the skies opened and HG said rain and it rained. HG you learn from us daily don’t you? I believe in conspiracy theories but gosh. Come on HG, do my inbox a favor compliment Sarah on her patience and intelligence.😁
She is evidently intelligent and exhibiting patience in dealing with the situation.
I couldn’t agree anymore with what you are saying. I use to think that I could see right through people as well, but my vision seems to be somewhat blurred lately 😔
Fuel for him all around. I will leave her alone. My bad. Let’s see who can I call out now.
Sent from my iPhone
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And the skies opened and HG said rain and it rained. HG, you learn from us daily don’t you? I believe in conspiracy theories but gosh. Come on HG, do my inbox a favor compliment Sarah on her patience and intelligence.😁 H.G. is the author of this blog and only he can decide whos/whats allowed or not allowed on his blog. Who died and gave you guys H.G. title. BTW, after Sarah listened to your radio interview I am sure she’s even more smitten. In my opinion your voice and mannerism resembles Hugh Grant. The last time I mention that I shared the urban definition for caddy. I was more than happy that you learned something new.😉
Hugh Grant? Interesting Entertainment. I do not look like him, he is more foppish looking, i am more rugged in the handsome stakes, although I understand why Hugh appeals to many people. I may sound like him (although I don’t hesitate as much) but my mannerisms are more forthright, direct and assertive than Hugh’s or rather the popular image of Hugh. I am always open to learning, that is how I become more effective.
H.G. great response. Like the true Master Elite you are. I think the stumbling and somewhat humbleness or insecurities started after the prostitution in park bathroom scandal. Too young to remember,😊But I remember an entertainment reporter mention his demeanor and forthcoming of information have changed.
Thanks Entertainment
Ah Oh, I am not a fan of organized religion and do not attend church regularly – I was brought up in that environment however. I do not believe in the Christian attitude that Buddhists, atheists, Hindus and other people go to hell because they are not Christians. However, I remember you telling me you do not want to talk about religion so I won’t go there as that could take all day 😉
I appreciate this. But you are free to talk about it. I can choose to not read it. I respect your position on this. I am having a private dinner party with 23 other people and Richard Dawkins end of the month. I am so excited. I love brilliant minds.
Ah Oh,
That is super exciting! You have to share how it goes, but I am sure that will be a stimulating discussion! As far as organized religion goes, I don’t believe unless one is God that they have the authority of power of opinion to judge one another. I believe that we do have the power to judge ourselves which is why I am very careful not to judge others and genuinely enjoy talking about different subjects and believe it foolish not to listen – I may not agree but a view point and someone who spent the time to write it out and do that deserves that much in my opinion – I learn a lot too that influences different thoughts in myself. But the Bible origin’s in relation to the Council of Nicaea are questionable at best and were compromised of several differing theologies for the sake of organized religion which is a multi-billion dollar organization to this day. I remember asking a pastor how he could explain Osiris in relation to Jesus when I was 12 and that did not go over well – he did not know who Osiris was. I always asked a lot of questions and didn’t take a belief just because I was told I had to. I make that subjective determination on my own, but I believe in God but respect and acknowledge we are all entitled to our own beliefs – that is what makes us unique and there is more learned from that than fought over 🙂
He passively reads the blog and it his son? Hmmm now this is interesting. So somewhat of a parent that is not involved. Unfortunate. I am sure your personal questions to this HG, Elite Narcissist, will help a young teen. I am also a mother and I don’t see the correlation of a mature man who is a Narcissistic sociopath to a young teen who might be. I feel that your veil is a bit opaque. First off he should be in the hands of a professional doctor to be properly diagnosed. >
Ah Oh, I agree with you 100% – he should be with a professional doctor – the problem is my husband and his ex have to mutually agree, and that to date, has not happened yet. It is still in the works, but may take a court proceeding. My husband passively reads the blog because I am his wife and I am on the blog. He is an involved father, but with my stepson, it’s always something – two days ago, I asked my husband to ask him if he enjoyed negative attention – and he said, “Of course. It’s the best.” His father had a long talk with him and the last few days that tension hasn’t been here, but I never would have thought to go there if it had not been for HG. You accurately identified a weakness I have: I fear doing nothing. In truth, what I have learned from HG in this last month has been more significant than anything else to date because I am seeing that how I talk, present issues and take things is not how I should – it’s not that what I am doing is wrong per say, but it’s not constructive – I suppose for me – I don’t understand the words unless I interact with them – I may not always be right in what I do, but if I don’t do something, then I fear and I don’t like that feeling…plus HG is pretty awesome as you are as well – more people here have cared about I have been going through here then anywhere else. But I will take it as a good reminder to keep my veil in check and think you give good advice there 🙂
Because you are his wife and you are on the blog? Intersting concept.
I would want my husband, being it is his son, to be just as involved and to interact with HG. I am also sure HG would invite this.
I just do not see it Sarah, not when you ask the questions you do. This is why I asked you if your husband is a Narc as I was surprised that you feel this pertained to a teen.
I wish you luck and I still call BS at this point.
HG is addicting don’t you think?
AH OH, I don’t do labels, but my husband is not a blogger or have the Narc mentality …at all, but his parenting style is permissive and that does not work with the stepson I speak of here, but does work with my other stepson much better. However, stepson in question was the golden child and loves his mother deeply and wants love, but also fears her and this developed at a young age.
In the States asking questions and engaging in a blog is considered complimentary that increases SEO and shows appreciation for the author and his or her work – if I solely were here to just contribute with questions relating to answers on my stepson and not contribute to HG’s work or otherwise, I would view that as selfish, personally, but I am also an American and maybe it is different here then in the UK. I don’t know? My actions, questions and engagement are appreciative to HG and his work. HG is a very addicting fellow, but states it from the get go. He is also one of the few people who is talking about his condition in a self aware manner. I’m also a stepparent and a childless one at that dealing with a rough age group – keep that in mind as well, but I know what I know and I feel what I feel. But you are entitled to your opinion and I appreciate you for sharing it with me. It will help me better keep my own self in check… – Thanks for wishing me luck…have you landed your Swedish hunk yet?
No, I am home now in the US. I plan on spending a month in Sweden next summer but not to find anyone other than myself. I have a trip to South America first end of May/June.
I also looked for books for you on Teen Narcissism and I will ask my therapist to recommend something. I will go out on a limb and suggest you go to a therapist to help yourself. I would think HG would agree with this as he states he is not a professional therapist. The emotional and mental situations in families can do damage to the dynamic of the family unit. A therapist would help with providing tools to handle it. I would suspect there are other underlying issues with this teen. After all, it is a teen you are dealing with, and I raised three of them. I can answer questions on teen boys.
Along with books, HG, this blog and professional help, you should prevail. If not I have a shovel. 😉
AH Oh, any book recommendations would be wonderful and that is super sweet of you to even think to ask that. I spent the first year and half doing stepmom coaching as I always go inward in foreign situations but realized that there was something a lot more different about my situation…
I have already learned so much from when I first started here but at first, I didn’t understand at all how NPD works – I see a picture of Narcissus staring in a pond. I totally misevaluated that, but in truth, these last three weeks have been better – I somewhat shut down and put it on his father by distancing – I noticed that he was much happier that he was getting more attention from dad – I was more happy because he was happy – I don’t think my husband was as happy because he likes to do everything with me, but in this case, it has helped and was creating resentment. Also, I have worked on accepting some of his behaviors as more of who he is without taking it personally – rather than looking at it as, “Why do I feel this way?” I have changed it to, “Why does he feel this way and what can I do to take it from him.” There is often two sides to every problem, and I am recognizing my own more and working on different communications and it is actually working!
Do you know for a fact the mother is NPD, she could be just a bitch.
The down side of learning and being on this blog I look at everyone as a narc. They have to prove they are not instead of seeing that they are.
AH Oh, it is possible. I am not one for labels, but when MatriNarc comes out, I can better compare and contrast those behaviors for a more accurate assumption as I look to the actions more than the words. To me, a bitch differs in the physical, mental and even financial abuse the kids went through…that is why I don’t like labels because I don’t understand precisely what is met, but would agree that it could be possible…but it doesn’t change what has happened with the kids and that I do know 🙁
Sarah,
I commend you for being a concerned step parent but this blog is mostly concerned with an intimate relationship between a narcissist and their chosen targets and appliances.
I would like to tell you I have been on all 3 sides of step-parenting/Parent/step-child. I know y’all are discussing the possibility of him being or becoming a narc BUT he needs a therapist, not you or his father trying to point out what he is doing wrong or how to fix himself…y’all could potentially push him over to the darkside if he has to build a wall to protect feeling attacked. He is in his teens, correct? He is going through a transitional time in his life, hormones are raging, school is nagging and probably his parents too. He’s in high school, he wants to fit in, maybe co off to college or play a pro sport. There is a lot to think about while trying to discover who you are and have evil hormones at play. They are narcs…all of them at one point or another. I’ve had to check my child a few times… Just seek the good characteristics in your stepson, praise him for them. Reinforce being proud. Do not allow the bad behavior… But learn how to approach it.
Sarah,
Hope you are well. Just so you know. I did respond back to your post from September, just as I said I would. It was after i got back from vacation. It did not get posted though but I did respond to you. I can recreate my comment but Idk if HG will allow it.
Yes it did get posted on 3rd October.
HG,
Forgive me. I looked for the response I wrote and did not see it or find it. Thank you for posting it. Also, thanks for allowing this type of discussion. xxx
Anna,
Thank you HG for publishing Anna’s post!!! And I had prepared a response and forgot to post it but am doing so here….Feelings are never wrong – communicating those feelings is a little harder, but I hope HG writes you back and do hope you stay!! I will never forget you as being the person that helped me solve a 21-year old issue with Adam and Eve…that is very special to me and will always be with me forever…as it will be for HG for publishing it as a religious discussion after all. Thank you ☺
WISDOM
So as to your first question: is wisdom achieved through the experience of knowledge of good and evil? I would say that for Eve, yes, wisdom had to be achieved by the experience of knowledge of good and evil – the Achilles’ heel was her desire because it was for 1) her own personal benefit not on behalf of another; 2) not done in unison of discussion from Adam (she told him after the fact rather than in discussion before she acted) and 3) in direct opposition to God’s (of whom she expressly believed to be of authority and trusted) commandment. I do not believe Eve had awareness at that time of what selfishness or unselfishness was – today, we would label her act as selfishness because it resulted out of her own desire merely for her own gain – it is a subjective analysis that will be judged objectively upon death as to whether our name is listed in the Book of Life.
EVE
I explicitly agree that she knew the rule that God had put in place, but without understanding the consequences, she was unable to obtain free will – if you don’t know, you can’t understand. I also explicitly disagree that Eve understood the consequences of eating from the tree.
More specifically, it would be like me saying to you, “If you eat that strawberry ice cream, you will aidhkskad.” Well, how in the world if you do not know what aidhkskad means can you understand it to even know the consequences? In Eve’s case aidhkskad would translate as death – so Eve was aware that she would “die”, but had no idea what that meant as the Snake points out that Eve would surely not die, but become like God knowing good and evil – therefore, Eve did not understand the meaning of death – which is evidenced further by her name translating to the Mother of all the Living. Today, the debate continues as to whether when we die, our souls are reincarnated (Hinduism), return to nothing (Buddhism), go to heaven or hell (Christianity) and so on and so forth.
God held the snake, Eve, and Adam accountable for their actions but remember, Eve was specifically told DIRECTLY by God to HER that she was not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. There was no guessing or reading in between the lines towards the rule and she trusted and understood God as the messenger. That is a very important distinction. Today, we have to make speculated analysis that depend on 1) knowing the rules (God’s rule never changed or was the shifting of sands) 2) understanding the rules in the context of which they are rendered (don’t eat from the freaking tree) and 3) trust of the Messenger (aka God). In Eve’s case, all three perspectives were rendered, which in my opinion, made her clearly accountable.
However, one of the interesting topics to note is that God was ruling by “fear” in the Old Testament verses “Love” as in the New Testament. Conquering fear is the first step to wisdom through the Lord – the second step is understanding through Holy Spirit (Proverbs 9:10 states: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”). And the third is love though the Son because God is love. (1 John 4:8-9 states: “Beloved, let us love one another, because love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God’s love was revealed among us: God sent His one and only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him…) The Trinity.
THE SNAKE
I’ve changed my opinion of the snake, but have not conducted a thorough research, but hear me out and would love your thoughts: Genesis 3:4 says the snake was “crafty” – further, no where in Genesis does it say that the snake was Satan – and Revelation 20:1-3 distinguishes between the serpent of old and the snake. Therefore, the snake and the serpent (the devil) I believe are different, entirely. And I do not believe the Snake lied – in fact, the Snake was blatantly honest: Adam and Eve did not die when they ate the fruit – Eve was named Mother of all the Living, but died before a thousand years…the snake’s explanation was misleading, but it was not a lie. It all hinges on the intent.
But what if the Snake and Eve had a massive communication issue? Like, let’s say that the Snake was just plain smarter than Eve. The Hebrew word for crafty is cunning and implies “a smooth operator”. He translated knowledge differently. Like for example, the more I have been trying to understand HG – I realize we see the world in a different way. More specifically, he sees things a lot closer up than I do. When I try to look deeper into things, it ends up being so jumbled that I just have to dismiss it and go on and because I end up trying to read too much into things. Like my brain can’t do that – so what if Eve genuinely felt deceived and what if the Snake genuinely felt ripped off because he was just translating knowledge in a different way that she could understand? The Snake was the only one who did not blame someone else for his actions. But what if this animosity is the result of just lack of understanding based on the knowledge of the snake verses the emotional output of Eve?
God punished Eve, Adam, and the Snake in equal ways – no one was better than the other –but thoughts?
THE CHOICE
Free will is choice. Why did God even have the Tree in the Garden if no one was to eat of it? Because to receive love, love cannot be controlled or forced – love is the purpose and that is shown by what you give. At all times, there must be a conscious choice to do or not do – that is how one knows, understands and loves and balances the trinity of perfection. Before the fall, Adam, Eve, and the Snake were perfect – they could do no wrong. After the fall, there was no longer perfection, and all the knowledge and wisdom of the universe became unveiled that with every action we demonstrate to God what we believe by how we choose to act. When we change our actions, then I believe thoughts can be worked on changing.
I do hope I do not get cast away for this and by all means I respect your religion but the whole Adam and Eve and the Devil, er I mean snake thing reminds me of this song… <3 We all lust… even if it's just an apple to quench our taste buds.
https://youtu.be/3sMALbhJU6M
DC.
How could i ever cast you aside. I like you. The song is creepy to me, but i get it. I wonder if you agree with the church teaching that lust/sex was involved with the sin of eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and bad. Some churches teach this untruth. Sadly most people dont investigate where the church teaching comes from. They accept it at face value. The only teaching I accept at face value is HG’s of course, but I’m a sucker for Narcs and pain.
Anna Belle,
I am glad that you are open minded! I do like you too! <3
I think that many things would run a lot smoother in this world if people would be open minded and give respect to each others beliefs and opinions!
I was raised Southern Baptist, attended christian church most of my youth and I was an acolyte for an Episcopalian church (on my own) as a teen… I do not really care about the original sin.
*GETTING NAUGHTY HERE*
I am trying to be respectful BUT I would have tempted Adam to divulge in that sweet apple. It is a shame the snake was not in his devil form… I would have made a deal with him before I took that apple and also made him taste it from my flesh…
I am so sorry… I just stopped caring long time ago.
I do find some things very intriguing from the bible, I love to watch the specials on the History channel and of course movies like the Divinici Code BUT I DO not agree with much of the teachings and feel that the church has tainted it to their own desires.
May I suggest a movie… "Dangerous Beauty" (Catherine McCormack)- here we can see where the church has such an influence over life… ignorant influence at that. Had I been alive in the 1500's I would have chosen to be a courtesan… we as women still don't have a proper place in society as we do today, ESPECIALLY in regards to our lustful ways. *Burn my flesh, I sweat the evil from my body* cause I am right there with you sister!!
DC,
Thank you for sharing that about yourself. The influence of religion has had a huge impact on society. The big three are governments, religion and commercialism. One thing that I find helpful to remember when you are learning about religion or being taught, is to ask the person or persons is that a church teaching or a bible teaching? If they say bible teaching ask them to show you from the Bible in any translation or several where it says that. And also is that bible teaching in harmony with the rest of the scriptures. Your can have many churches in your city. You may have roman catholic, ultra traditionalist, traditionalist, liberal, charismatic, eastern mystical or new age and many other types of just catholicism. You can walk into any catholic church or any denomination including, muslim, jewish, buddist, etc….for that matter and each of the churches teach something different. This is because they mix in church teachings with bible teachings and some things taught are rooted in paganism. They do alot of the same ritualistic ceremonies, but never teach the same thing. They therefore do not unite people, they divide people. One of the identifying marks of true religion is unity amongst its people. They would be taught the same thing all around the world and would be united in their teachings. How many religions are doing that today?
Anna Bell, I couldn’t agree with you more. I do not condemn religion AT ALL, I respect those who ACTUALLY practice what they preach. I have always believed that all of these separate religions only divide us… and you are right, we are supposed to be united as one faith.
I wanted so badly to belong to a loving church community but it isn’t just the teachings, I found a church long ago that I actually liked, but it is the people that attend. So I just stay away from it all. I have my naughty ways and I am tainted that way BUT I do hold some values close to my heart.
@sarahmercedes I am intrigued with your response regarding Adam, Eve, and the snake. Are you suggesting the snake is a narcissist? Eve was warned, we may have that nudging feeling or even discernment that this person is evil but we are not quick to judge and always give the benefit of the doubt. For me wisdom should come with experience however knowledge can be forthcoming or later. Knowledge not applied is ignorance. Wisdom of the knowledge practice, tried and true warrants being wise. Lesson learned good or bad.
I don’t do labels. In a former blog post, HG referred himself to the snake in the Garden of Eden. https://narcsite.wordpress.com/2015/09/22/forbidden-fruits/
“Now you know what the serpent in the garden of Eden was. Me.”
I do not personally correlate this, but if we correlate the knowledge sensory perception that seems to radiate the knowledge of awareness, I do correlate that Eve felt deceived by the snake’s actions to the point where it was deemed deceiving by God of which deemed punishment, but we are never told if this was the snake’s actual intent. All three played a role in the fall of mankind from a Biblical sense. However, this may be related to a massive communication issue between two different ways of viewing reality. I can honestly tell my stepson and I speak two different languages. We do not get each other at all. I don’t believe that is ignorance. Until one of us learns how the other side communicates or views the world, we will both view the other side with indifference. I welcome interpretation or debate…I am very open to change as Anna has showed me – I embrace change when warranted.
Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or of madness.”
When a person tells you “you are my zahir”, that means the thought of you occupies their every thought… to the point of madness. Imagine us little minion Zahirs.🤔
Thanks for sharing Entertainment. It also means poison/venom. Zahr.
Go figure.
Love, yes I have heard. Interesting correlation.
Because:
a) We are “love addicts”. At an organic level, we crave our ex-partner the same way drug addicts crave the drug they are trying to withdraw from.
b) Empaths and Narcs are fractured at the same place during childhood development. One reacts to the injury by becoming a predator the other the prey. The predator spends time and some energy conditioning the prey, distorting her reality, manipulating her feelings and thoughts while feasting on her fuel. Whatever emotion the victim is left with, is whatever emotion the predator wanted her to have for as long as she allows it.
c) The nano chip implanted by the Narc contained malware so brilliantly and viciously designed that its only detectable when the appliance crashes. Post crash recovery, the appliance suffers from a long lasting glitch; whereas, bits of memory will keep popping up disruptung her ability to fully function.
d) The dark forces are relentlessly at work. The Devil makes us have ruminating thoughts.
e) We are paying a Karmic debt.
f) All of the above
g) None of the above.
Oh Blackwidow…. Brilliant! I say F, all of the above. Love the nanochip 😜
And what atrocity we must have committed in a past life to pay such a high karmic debt. Though I’m not complaining. I pay it willingly.
Ditto Love… I don’t know what I did either but I am sure my rebirth journey is not complete yet either… I am definitely no angel yet either… I’d pay mine willingly as well… I do not hate the electric, euphoric, intergalactic feelings I’ve had… In fact I’m addicted.
We must be kindred spirits, DC 🌟
<3
B, it is true….
Just as time wounds all heels, so time heals all wounds.
We have to be patient, loving, & forgiving with ourselves, as we’re learning new programming from what’s ingrained — a gift we’re giving ourselves.
It takes time & practice, but eventually even the haha golden period will fade from memory.
It’ll just be an “Oh well”-*shrug* memory.
“Breakups don’t control how your life is supposed to go, they just change what you think you had planned.”
Told to me by a supportive family member, I love it.
WOw !! This makes so much sense. I think perhaps I have more of male brain. Which is why once the devaluation started, I was quick to discard him.
Thank you HG for explaining this. It is very helpful to learn about ourselves as well.
Ah yes in the beginning…..and now the ending.
Hard to rewire the mind, and very painful.
HG thank you
“You Are Always On My Mind” isn’t that a song by Willie Nelson?
Elvis sang it. So did the Pet Shop Boys.
I must hear Elvis, yeah? Pet Shop Boys? Are they from UK?
They are.
I shall hear them sing it. Do you like the band?
Yes I do. If the Pet Shop Boys had not existed, pop would have invented them.
Awesome HG, I just saw and heard them on youtube. I have my dancing shoes on o this lovely day off of mine.
You must know west end girls…played a million times on radio. Don’t know Elvis either? Are you by chance a cave dweller? ( not being rude here, laughing because I can’t fathom someone not knowing who these people are.) Don’t be mad Leilani I’m not asking to hurt you. Really, seriously I’m not.
No need to explain Frenchtoastweb and I am not hurt, I’m Leilani. Yes, I do know Elvis. My statement would also mean I did not know Elvis sang the song. As for the band, thank you for reminding me of their songs. You are not being anything but helpful. I have hung out in lagoon caves in the South Pacific once.
Pet Shop Boys are great. I have that song in my head now.
Great music comes out of the UK. Loving Muse at the moment.
It certainly does. Muse are a good band.
Last night I was doing some writing of my own . I threw myself into it and became lost in my work . For the first time in three years I did not think of him and he was out of my mind . Once I stopped writing he came back and I have had a migraine in the left part of my brain and a left ear ache ever since . When I stop thinking of him I get headaches and physically sick when the memories come back .
Oh Starr, I so wish I could just hug you and suck all that toxic poison out of you. It is like a drug addict in recovery. The withdrawl is the hardest part and why many never recover. Even though they hate injecting the toxic poison into their bodies they continueto do so just to prevent them from getting sick. You don’t get sick when you stop thinking about him, you get sick when start thinking about him. Stay busy in your self therapy and your withdrawl will pass. Very proud of you. This is a great accomplishment in your healing.
EMDR therapy… Google it
EMDR It DOES work. This post explains so much of how I operate in relation to all people, not just people with disordered personalities. Blessed and cursed with a good memory and I think an HSP and empath given some similarities I have with that type, I struggle with the ever-present memories of narcissist in my head. Sadly, no narcissist has ever made the effort to love bomb me, so my brain turns the crumbs of affection over and over. It’s fading now, but sheesh so difficult. Truly, it is. Now that I’ve accepted that the narcissist has taken up some residence in my mind, it has raged at me less. I truly believe that the narcissist I dealt with did something that had a lot to do with this brainwashing or encoding HG typifies.
Think I need to call a priest!
I have this weird experience of when he’s on my mind a lot I see his type of car everywhere. Sometimes I count, two days ago in my small town, in the space of 1km I saw that type of car (make and model) 6 times. It is very triggering for me. It’s not an uncommon car, but that’s a lot.
Yesterday at the butcher they had some jars of condiments on the counter, one had his (first) name on it 🙁 I’ve been sent a photo (for my business) and his name was in the background (again, this photo was nothing to do with him and the person sending it wasn’t connected). Just all these stupid coincidences. I am sure I look for it more, were it the name Chris or Tony or Paul, I am sure I wouldn’t even notice.
I do get what you are saying about creating these triggers. I myself did it with the narc. I deliberately wore one type of perfume every time I saw him so that he’d be reminded of me. That’s as far as I went though, very simplistic compared to how narcs operate.
At the moment lots of music is playing that reminds me of him. He didn’t plant that seed, I did. I just associate it with him, but it makes me so sad because I miss talking to him and don’t know why he cut me off when we were getting along fine.
I can completely relate. I still notice the make and model of the narcissist I was infatuated with in college. Lol sadly he was completely ordinary, uninspired and possessed a common automobile that EVERYONE drives. Another useless thing my brain does daily.
Nice piece, & analysis!
Solution?
1. Replace w/ New Memories & Experiences: get a Very Sexy Man w/ loving, fun values & character — like yours!
2. *Encode* the most horrible image of what the losernarc did/tried to do to you…make it Vibrant, Colorful, 3D; attach yr emotional file of the Disgust. See it all, feel the nausea in yr stomach, & PUSH that sickfuck outta yr mind!
Rinse, lather, & repeat, as often as necessary.
YOU’RE in charge, of what you keep in your head! ♡
I second that ICGB. We create a lot the lingering hurt ourselves. When someone hurts me, narc or not, I do not want any reminders of them. I will not listen to his favorite music, if a song comes on that played while we were together I will immediately turn it off. Anything at all that reminds me of him I will avoid. I also do not feel the need to know if he is with someone else. I’m not going to drive by his house to look for signs, show up unannounced, stalk social media, or ask around about him. No way in hell do I want to feel that devastation and I will do everything possible to make sure that I don’t see it. I am applying this now, but I will admit that he is deeply ingrained in me like no other and even with this method I use I can not get him off my mind. Believe me I am trying everything I know to release myself of him. I have yet to figure it out.
EMDR therapy has worked wonders on getting him out of my head… Goggle it then find a therapist
Yes, indelibly engraved into my mind, body, and soul. Well done.
Just finished HG’s book EXORCISM which covers this ‘head game’ and how to cure it — what an amazing, healing, thorough and motivational read. I’m starting to really believe I can rid my poor soul of all the after-effects of NPD abuse.
Thank you FFL, I do hope you can post a review as well.
And what of you Mr. Tudor? What happens when we are all cured? Are you slowly weaning yourself off of us? Its like a predatory animal no longer wishing to hunt and instead turning herbivore. What if you single handedly become the reason for the starvation of your kind? Perhaps its a good thing the majority of your kind are unaware or in denial of your needs. If someone tried to take love away from my kind, we would not allow for it to happen.
When you say “we” do you mean all victims? If so, that will never happen so I have no concern.
I am not weaning myself off you, no.
If I somehow brought about the starvation of my kind through lack of empaths, I would have to turn to the normal and the lesser of my kind for fuel. Less fuel, harder work, but needs must.
Fortunately, that is never going to happen because you need us as much as we need you.
Absolutely we need you. No need for you turn cannibalistic.