Death

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It is fair to state somewhat euphemistically that death is an inconvenience for everyone. In respect of my kind and me, it causes all manner of problems and issues which are especially irksome. Death generally only affects people in two respects. Their own death and the death of other people. Our responses to those two aspects are far-removed from that of the reactions of ordinary people and especially those of an empathic nature.

First of all, how do we regard the death of someone else. The demise of a stranger causes to response from us unless we realise that in order to maintain the façade that it would be advantageous to say “the right things” and come out with those empty platitudes that people do so often when they read of a tragedy somewhere. When this happens and somebody makes mention of some loss of life, perhaps the drowning of a toddler who was not being properly supervised and fell into a bath or the consequence of an aeroplane crashing, I observe the reactions of the collective with interest. There are the expressions of shock, the declarations of horror and how this is such a terrible event. As I watch and listen I do wonder who the greater charlatans are in this event. Is it me who does not care and cannot care but pretends to do so in order to maintain my precious façade or is it those who claim to care about somebody they never knew and would never have known?

If the death of someone is closer to home, a friend or a family member then my reaction is no different save that it is laced with irritation and indeed often anger at the loss of someone who was a source of fuel for me. If that person forms a supplementary source, then there is irritation at this loss but this person can readily be replaced with a new member rising to form part of my coterie. If the person who has been lost to the hand of the grim reaper is a primary source of fuel, then I am consumed with fury. How could this person treat me in this fashion? I gave them everything and then they leave me in the most complete fashion, with no chance of that sweet, sweet restoration. This departure amounts to a criticism of me, a reminder that even someone as great and powerful as I was unable to prevent the removal of a potent source of fuel. Thus this criticism ignites my fury and I rage at the injustice of their death. Some who witness this might mistake this response for an outburst of grief at the taking of this person. It is not that. It is the explosion of wrath at someone who was so potent to me escaping me and thus denying me my rightful fuel and denying me the opportunity to put in place a replacement. I do not mourn their passing away. I rage at the passing of my fuel source.

Do not expect to see me attend the funerals of those that are regarded as supposedly close to me and where my attendance might otherwise be expected. I will not be there. I know there are those of our kind who revel in the drama and the high emotion that is attached to a funeral and regard it as a honey pot for the acquisition of fuel. There are those of our kind who will hijack the occasion and make it all about them, wailing and shedding those false tears in order to draw well-meant sympathy from the other attendees. There are those of our kind who will create a scene at the funeral, arriving late, arriving drunk, collapsing part way through the service, making a snide remark in a loud stage whisper in order to draw reactions from everyone else that is there. Yes, many of our kind will attend and exhibit their over-acted grief purely to draw attention to themselves and away from the person who is now lying in the cold, hard ground. Our kind will express their huge sense of loss, how the deceased was such a wonderful father, caring mother, beloved uncle or best friend. Such a shameless performance which is carefully choreographed in funereal black to maximise the opportunity to have the spotlight shine on them and thus drink up all the attendant fuel. A disagreement will be provoked with another family member and harsh words exchanged. Over the top blubbing will take place with cries of “Don’t leave me!” as the coffin is lowered. The occasion of death and the attended ceremony provides a wonderful stage to our kind to perform our sick routines to make it all about us, fashioned from the pretence of actually caring. We do not care. We cannot care. We resent the fact that this person has escaped us. We resent the fact that everybody is turning out to pay their respects to the deceased and not training their attention onto us which is where it should belong. Should you ever witness melodrama at a funeral do not mistake it for the exaggerating effects of grief and loss, you are observing one of our kind milking the moment for all it is worth.

That is the response of many of our kind to the loss of a “loved one” or a “close friend” who has passed away after a full life or taken too soon. It is not my response. I have only ever attended one funeral in my life and that was the funeral of my father. I only broke my own protocol to do this as a consequence of the diktat from my mother and also at the behest of my younger brother who begged me to accede to her request so that she would not erupt and undermine the occasion of our father’s death. I duly obliged, just the one, purely in order to satisfy my desires however. I wanted to rein in my mother’s theatrics and watch how she really responded to the death and subsequent committing to another place of my father. You may well have read elsewhere in my works of that particular day. That was the only time that I have attended a funeral and I did it to further my own understanding and in order to loathe in my own private way the way my mother was behaving. That gave me tremendous satisfaction.

Thus, I only broke my protocol of non-attendance once and shall not do so again. Why is it that I will not attend funerals when there is such a prime opportunity to take centre stage and draw greedily on all the available fuel? It is a simple reason enough. I will not attend funerals because I do not wish to be reminded of my own mortality. Like a medieval monarch who stayed away from funerals, even of the preceding monarch and his own wives and offspring, because it would cause others to contemplate the death of the current monarch, something which was treasonable, I too will not attend. I have no desire to contemplate my demise. I do not want to recognise that one day all of this must end for this offends my notion of omnipotence. I do not wish to linger at the edge of the abyss that is life, staring into the nothingness of oblivion. Such is the finality of the mortal end to one’s existence, it engenders and raises the very prospect of that extinction that I fight against each and every day through the acquisition of fuel to maintain my construct and keep myself from being consigned into oblivion. To contemplate a mortal death is to invite the horrifying reality of the extinguishing of who I wish to be and that which I must not let happen.

I do not fear my mortal death for I will have my legacy in place and thus I shall live on through that. No, what I would rather not be reminded of, through the occurrence of the passing of others and the subsequent surrounding ceremony, is that I sometimes teeter on the brink on annihilation. The thought of that fills me with despair, only for myself and therefore I choose not to engage in that which will so forcefully and rudely remind me of it.

I know death embraces all eventually. I am not a foolish man and that is why I have worked to secure my legacy so that I may out stride death.

I care not, save for the loss of my fuel, when its cold hand snuffs out the life of others. Our type does not mourn the death of others. We are unable to do so. We are not equipped to achieve this. Never expect any sincere mourning to ever be evidenced by our kind.

I care not to contemplate what mortal death signifies for me in my ongoing struggle to keep such annihilation at bay.

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64 thoughts on “Death”

  1. Well we have something in common. I do not like to attend funerals… but not for the same reason as you. I cannot handle the emotional overload of sadness.
    I do not fear death, it is unavoidable. No, I do not want to die but death does not discriminate. I have a suspicion that the devil wants to dance with me…

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  2. As I prepare for my ex’s funeral tomorrow, finishing writing the eulogy and deeply feeling the grieving process, the timing of this post is eerie. It made me think of this post differently than I would have a month ago. I wonder, if it is not that you do not grieve at all but you have what is called “inhibited grieving”. Inhibited Grieving is the tendency to avoid painful emotional reactions that is common among those with BPD.

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    1. Hi Indy, I have been thinking about you all week. I wondered about the funeral and how you were dealing with it.
      Sending you love ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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    2. Indy,
      Please take care of yourself. The only way I know how to comfort you is this way:

      Hebrews 25:8 says, He will swallow up death forever, And the Sovereign Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces. The reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth,For God himself has spoken it.

      Hosea 13:14 From the power of the Grave I will redeem them;From death I will recover them. Where are your stings, O Death?Where is your destructiveness, O Grave?

      John 5:28, 29 Do not be amazed at this, for the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life, and those who practiced vile things to a resurrection of judgment.

      Revelation 21:3,4 says With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: “Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his people. And God himself will be with them. 4 And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”

      All of these scriptures prove that God knows death causes us pain. In fact his son Jesus wept when his friend Lazerus died. This was in spite of the fact that he resurrected him from the dead. He felt the sting of death.

      The comfort in these sciptures is in that they prove that God will do away with death. What Jesus did by ressureccting several people was a precursor to what will take place in the future. The scriptures say death will be no more. It is gone. We were made to live forever. Why do we grow old and die? Adam and Eve created their offspring after they had the penalty of death placed on them. Thus we inherited sin and death.

      God will undo this curse for Psalms 37:29 says The righteous will possess the earth,And they will live forever on it.
      So death is a temporary state. It will be corrected. Please take comfort in knowing that God does care.

      If you do not believe in God, then know that I care for you, and i am sorry you have to experience this pain. I hope that you find comfort from friends and families.

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      1. ABB, thank you and I do feel comfort in both your words and the words from scripture (hugssss)❤️💜💛💙💚

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      1. Hi Minerva, DC,SW, Love, and MLA,
        Thank you everyone for your condolences. My other ex has pulled another Hoover, day of funeral as well as today. They are beinign follow ups. Still, annoying.
        Hugs, love and light,
        Indy

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  3. Very strange how this post once again brings back a memory but now that I know who exactly who and what the DN is, I see the memory very different. My uncle (who was more of a father to me than my own) died six years ago from cancer. Words cannot describe what a amazing man my uncle was and I am not being bias. I honestly think even DN saw how amazing this man was and if he could love someone,anyone it would have been this man. However at his funeral, DN was cold and distant the entire time. He did not cry (which he actually did a lot…whether real or crocodile is now in question). This surprised me bc again DN often went on and on about how he wished he could be even an inkling of who my uncle was (maybe one of the only true things he ever said).

    Anyway, just another weird thing about it all, I had my affair about a year after my uncle died. It was so strange bc one night shortly after DN looked me in eyes and asked me if I had the affair bc I was so distraught by my uncles death that it was my way of dealing with it. This seemed so strange to me at the time. It was if he was gas-lighting for me (not against me) trying to get me to give him a reason even the most ridiculous one as a reason. Yeah, I guess I could have gone with the bs and milked it and said this was the reason, but I knew it wasn’t. My uncles death, while devastating had nothing to do with my stupid decision. DN was so mad at me for not agreeing that this was the reason but I couldn’t…it made no sense to me but made perfect sense to him!

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  4. Id love to explain this to ‘normal’ people. I totally get it, and believe it. They just cant. I know what the ex was like when his father died. They were ‘birds of a feather’. (father was like the God Father). But at the funeral, the ex became the hero for all the old people attending. Organizing transport etc. They thought he was ‘wonderful’ in such sad circumstances. BS!! He made it all about him! And now, no one is allowed to speak his fathers name. Gee. I wonder why that is……..

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  5. Death……….I have known this word. Off the top of my head, I have known of 30 people who have to meet the end. I believe it is more than 30. The more I think about this it is more like 40, no more. Most are people that I worked with for many years but not all. Some by the hands of others and some by their own hand. Starting at five years of age, I have had six family members and two extended members. The more I think on this, the more I can count. Oddly I know ten that were murdered, one being my ex-brother- in- law. At least this many who took their life.
    Yes, I have had an unusual life with exposures and circumstance that is not common.
    I cried when I lost my mom in 1989 but only because I could never tell her what I needed to tell her. I still hurt with my father’s death in 2007. My oldest brother in 2011. Yes, I know this word.
    Death………..when it comes, I hope it to be fast, no pain.

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  6. I know I mentioned Mr OJ Simpson before, I said that the night he killed his wife he had been abandoned of all sources of fuel. ( she ignored him and cut him off, his girlfriend left him a breakup message and left town to be with another celebrity, he was desperately phoning other women but not getting much of a response. Many of his friends were not available to reel him in that night) It was the perfect storm for a tragedy. Many commented on how he handled his ex wife’s death. The Croc tears, the ability to demean her name and reputation for his defense and some have claimed he would be extremely insensitive, making jokes about her death, blaming her, and insinuating to those close to him that ” if” he did it, she made him do it. All of the world was shocked about his behavior, many choosing to ignore mountains of evidence claiming he was framed, others just bewildered that the beloved American icon could do such a thing and be so insensitive about it. I have read so much about this case and to my knowledge no one explained it coming from the perspective of OJ being a master narcissist. Your one post here put it all together so simply HG. Your information is vital for us to know. I love what you do.

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    1. Hello Lee-Lee, thank you for your comment and your kind words. Indeed, when you gain an understanding of what we do and apply it to many, many scenarios one is able to see with considerable precision what has happened. I should imagine at the time none of the lawyers, the judge or even the press latched on to the idea that they were dealing with a narcissist. As you write, people are so bewildered by it (and ignorant as to what we are) they either just cannot understand it or pass it off as “asshole syndrome”. Thanks for the observations.

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  7. HG, do you believe in life after death? The parents and brother of the Greater ex-MN in my life passed away years ago and he truly believes they’re only in the ground. He does not believe their spirits live on. I remember telling him that they watch over him and see all his accomplishments and all he would say is, “I hope you’re right”.

    I also remember creating a memory photo album with captions of his dog (he supposedly loved) that died and I couldn’t make sense of his reaction. It seemed, at the time, he really appreciated it, but he also never really said much, other than thank you. As he was looking at it, he seemed emotional, but now I know he wasn’t. So what do you think he was thinking?

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    1. Hello Sharon,
      No I don’t. When you are dead, that is it. It is over.
      The concept of a spirit is something that has arisen in order to give people hope and because the finality of our mortality causes people to feel dreadful.
      He was thinking how best he could utilise your kindness in creating the memory photo album to gain more fuel from you as he also struggled to eep his fury in place that you had gone to such lengths over an animal.

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      1. Once again Sir Tudor you are correct. Here is the proof….It was written under divine inspiration by King Solomon. The wisest man on earth at the time.

        Ecclesiasstes 9:4 – 6 states, 4 There is hope for whoever is among the living, because a live dog is better off than a dead lion. 5 For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing at all, nor do they have any more reward, because all memory of them is forgotten. 6 Also, their love and their hate and their jealousy have already perished, and they no longer have any share in what is done under the sun.

        And
        Ecclesiasstes 9:10 says, 10 Whatever your hand finds to do, do with all your might, for there is no work nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom in the Grave, where you are going.

        If heaven is so great, why doesn’t everyone want to die and get there sooner? Why would Jesus resurrect several people in the bible back to earth? Wouldn’t heaven have been better than earth? How come these ones who were brought back to life, never speak of heaven? Why did Jesus say that the dead were sleeping in death? Why did the Pope go to the hospital when he was shot?

        The answer is we were made to live forever. We were created to want to live. We fight death. Adam and Eve caused the death penalty. But this next scripture proves the point why we don’t want to die.

        Ecclesiasstes 3:11 says He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has even put eternity in their heart; yet mankind will never find out the work that the true God has made from start to finish.

        We dont want to die because eternity was placed inside of us. For dust we are and to dust we shall return. Yet there is hope. There will be a resurrection of the righteous and unrighteous (John 5:28, 29).

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      2. You are most welcome. I do believe in heaven. I don’t believe that all of us die and go there. If God created the angels before mankind, like satan was an angel who turned bad, why would he take people from the earth? He made man and placed them on the earth with the assignment to fill the earth and subdue it. Jesus did say that some would die and rule with him as kings and priests. Kings have to have subjects to rule over. We are the subjects. The our father or lords prayer say thy kingdom come thy will be done ON EARTH as it is in heaven. So Jesus is praying for the kingdom government that is already established and rules from heaven to come and rule on the earth.

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  8. When your father passed, did she go with you to a service? I was already divorced when my father passed so there was no expectation he would come, nor was he welcomed. Actually surprised now that he didn’t just show up.

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    1. Hello Barney, it was more a case of I was compelled to go with her. You can read what happened in Confessions of a Narcissist.
      I agree, it would have been something that your ex would have turned up for, there must have been better fuel on offer that day.

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  9. HG! I have an aunt who is the classic victim narcissist, the hypochondriac underachiever who triangulated the whole family in a passive aggressive fashion with it always being someone else said who started all the trouble. Never her. She will threaten suicide every now and then when myself or my other relatives don’t pick up her calls.. My mom who is her sister told me although she sounds convincing she would never ever commit suicide, she is much too self centered. Do you know anything about the suicide rate of narcs? Also another interesting side note about her. I have a nephew who has autism and when he was little ( about 2-3 years old ) he would scream, cry and have a panic attack whenever he saw her. He was sweet with everyone else. He is nonverbal so he couldn’t tell us exactly what it was that freaked him out so much. Could he have sensed her evil? It was extraordinary the affect she had on him. A wolf in Sheeps clothes. Amazing if he was able to pick up on that. It took most of our family decades to stop dancing her dance and realize she was not just eccentric , but evil. My nephew is older now but still a good judge of character. I’m going to have him screen my potential dates from now on.

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    1. Hello moody, the suicide rate of our kind is extremely low.It is fairly common to threaten it but it is very rare because it goes against our image of what we are. It might happen if fuel levels are devastatingly low, the narcissist has been in a depressive rut for some time and there is no prospect of alleviating this or if the NPD is co-morbid with another condition.
      I cannot speak for your nephew’s reaction as autism is not something I know much about, but it is entirely conceivable that he was picking something up in her behaviour which alarmed him (he would not know it was narcissism but something else). He may well have a very good Narcdar, it happens, so make use of it as you suggest for potential dates!

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  10. I love your blogs and books. Sometimes I go weeks without reading them. Then, I will do a HG splurge/marathon.

    I personally view you as a Teacher; you provide us with the materials and hours of lectures. Afterwards, you are administering test to see if your students were paying attention or actually learned and could now apply the skills obtained in the real world. If they fail you administer the test again, but this time it’s straight forward more like an open book tests. We have to get it now, if we fail what must we think of self? We sit back and observe silently vowing to get it right next time. I am on 2nd glass of pinot, and it makes sense to me😊

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  11. Thank you for your kind and heartfelt condolences. It was a beautiful gathering of loved ones and the stories, laughter and tears flowed as the love of my ex through so many hearts was evident.

    There was one catch, my recent ex (the narcicist ex) started hovering AGAIN the day of the funeral through calls and texts. He sent one this morning too and just tried to call. It’s almost as if he knew to hit me at that timing. I haven’t talked to my ex since the last Hoover, to tell him to stop calling. He didn’t know my ex that passed away (not a narcicist). I didn’t tell him about the death or funeral. It’s almost like he’s stalking somehow, though I don’t know how. The last time was during my vacation. Like he wanted a to spoil my vacation and now make the funeral day about him. I ignored his communication and now today processing what the heck…

    HG, what do you think? He’s back sooner than I thought. Begging again, saying he misses me and loves me and asking me to call. If he threatens to take kitty again, I’ll dare his azz to do it as this kitty has some serious claws, teeth and attacks, my little apex predator (kitty has anger issues since bringing a new cat into home lol)

    What do you think is up?

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    1. He is seeking fuel from you Indy. He is evidently being fed information as he knows you are in a position of heightened emotion, thus he senses fuel instinctively and this is what is causing him to hoover, the prospect of your fuel at this particular time.

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      1. Hahaha…I feel honored. Wait, did you get this from Toys R Us? Cool!

        No, seriously, thank you!

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      2. I know it says Cindy on the medal but that’s near enough isn’t it and with you being an kind and decent empath I knew you wouldn’t mind!

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      3. **laughs, scratches the C off***
        ***Holds up plastic medal***
        Look, now it says Indy!
        **like a 4 year old that just got a cherry lolly**

        Now, what responsibilities do I now have, now that I have this plas…medal?

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      4. Ha ha. You have to go down into the bowels of my castle. All the way down, down, down. There is this creature in a cage down there. Make sure it stays there for me. If you do, you can have another medal. Don’t listen to it though, it tells lies.

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      5. Dude, if I could keep caged beasts, you think I would be out in the streets? **winks**

        Plus, I’d have my own TV show, like the other narcissistic docs on TV. (oops, did I say that?)

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      6. Nope, no law suits. Not naming any names. I am sitting here sucking on my lolly looking at my plastic medal. ***innocent eyes**

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      7. Work on my innocent look???? Oh shoot, that’s how I got away with so much in my teen years. That one is perfected. I need to perfect the “don’t f$&k wth me!” look. When daggers and fire come from the eyes. Any takers on teaching me this skill?

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      8. Lordy, now you have me a bit paranoid. Could I get sued for saying a statement like that with no names?

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  12. My Grandmanarc divorced my Grandfather, they both cheated, but she arranged his funeral, was still in control of his money despite his death. She wore all black and a veil that was black. Black sunglasses. When the girlfriend walked in to pay her respects, my Grandmanarc fake fainted. And started wailing…..attention….fascinating to watch. My Dad whispered to me she’s a faker, such an actress. Of course because he didn’t get up and rush to her aid, she threw that at him for years. Comical now.

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  13. Do you have your funeral services in order? Are you to be buried or cremated? I have mine in place since I was 34. I am to be cremated, no service (although many would like to see how I looked after death) If a service was in place, I am safe to say many people would come.
    I could instruct in my last will and testament to include a celebration. You will be invited HG. You will be at the top of the list.

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    1. I have not Ah Oh as I do not like to contemplate my own demise, but since you have asked I would like to be fired into space so I can orbit the earth forever. It is most kind of you to extend the invitation to me for your own funeral. I would not attend the funeral, I rarely do, nothing personal, but I would attend the celebration afterwards as that is different.

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  14. Had one in line here too, just giving an update that my narcicist ex hovered again during funeral weekend. Less frenzied, asking me to call and stating his missing me and love. Seems like a FUBH. Do you think he’ll keep this up, as I didn’t reply and he can’t tell if I read text. Do you think he’s spying and knows the timing of his hoovers (during my vacation and then during funeral)?

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    1. He anticipated that plentiful fuel would be on offer given the funeral (potential chance to feign he cares as well and receive your fuel as gratitude), thus he adopted a softer approach. His anticipation of quality fuel being available caused the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria to fall. I suspect he will keep trying because he will assume you are more vulnerable given the funeral and also because he scents excellent fuel to be gained.

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      1. But I didn’t tell him about the funeral and he and I don’t share the same circles. Do you think you spying on me? That’s what I’m so confused about is the timing. It seems too perfect, from a narcissistic perspective. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but I am. He’s not on my Facebook, doesn’t share friends, my media is blocked to him. He didn’t know the full name of my ex.

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  15. I recognized the signs of heart failure in my ex during the first six months we were dating. He had a persisant cough and heart burn. He, eventually, developed edima. I rode his ass to see the doctor. My concerns were on point and he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. He was told he had already suffered a ‘mild’ heart attack at some point before seeking medical help. My ex concluded that ‘it was one day we had sex’. That did make sense. Anyway, longer story short, he ended up having a quadruple by pass within the next few months. I always felt like he blamed me. I nearly killed him (in his mind), and then I had him confront it. I feel like every time he looks at me he thinks of the grim reaper. I’m not sure how to wrap my brain around that.

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