The Poisoned Messages of Devaluation



We avail ourselves of the use of technology through all the various stages of the narcissistic cycle and the period of devaluation is no exception. We will use the sending of messages, be they of the text, messenger or e-mail variety, to roll out our devaluation against you. These poisonous messages are sent because it is so easy for us to do so. It is a simple task of typing that message, whether we happen to be at home, in the office, sat waiting for a plane or in a queue of traffic. We can unleash a poisoned arrow from anywhere and have it winging its way to pierce your heart. We can do it at any time and reap the reward from the provision of fuel. Sometimes the fuel arises as consequence of your response, by messaging us back or ringing us. Other times it is gathered through Thought Fuel as we envisage your reaction based on what we know of your emotional responses and sometimes we even get the combination of both Proximate and Thought Fuel. There is little energy expenditure for us and the prospects of fuel and exerting control over you are invariably very good. Here are ten ways in which we send you poisonous messages during devaluation.

1. The Barren Periods

We have, through the extensive and exciting messaging we engaged in during the golden period created an expectancy on your part to receive messages from first thing in the morning until last thing at night and at regular and repeated intervals. You have become used to this and then all of a sudden it dries up. You send a message to us in the hope of generating a response but there is nothing. You send another, just in case the first did not somehow get through. There is nothing but silence. You wait and try to do something else but you cannot concentrate because you keep looking to your ‘phone hoping for that message to appear but it does not. Many hours may pass, perhaps a day until you either happen to bump into us or we deign to finally respond. You can expect the replies to be along the lines of:

“There was no signal where I was.”

“There must be a fault with my ‘phone as I never received any messages.”

“I did reply, did you not get it?”

“All your messages have just come through now, that’s why I messaged when I did.”

“I ran out of credit.”

“I ran out of battery.”

Do not accept these explanations. These are rolled out to pull the wool over your eyes. The failure to reply was deliberate and calculated and more often than not it was because we were busy with somebody else.

2. The Raised Hopes

We will make an arrangement with you, suggesting we go out to dinner tomorrow evening or attend that new play you were excited to see. You look forward to spending time with us, alter your other arrangements, put yourself to time and expense in preparation for whatever event is and then at the last minute we cancel with either no excuse or half an excuse and then we fall silent.

3. The Wrong Recipient

You receive a message which is clearly meant for someone else. It might be using a nickname that is unfamiliar to you, confirming an arrangement when you knew of none to be confirmed, thanking you for a wonderful evening when we did not see one another that evening or any number of combinations where the content of the message is at odds with what you know. It is rarely a mistake when this happens. It is done deliberately.

4. The Vitriolic Volley

A straight forward nasty barrage of insults sent in the form of text messages. The content will be savage and hurtful and you will have no or little idea why the messages are being sent or what they actually relate to. You will be accused of being a slut, when you have always been faithful, or wasting money when you are careful with it, or not caring about us when you have just done something especially loving. The words will be barbed, picking on your weaknesses and vulnerabilities and is often done when you have gone out without us or you have friends around without us being invited. It is a short and sharp method of upsetting you in a quick as possible manner.

5. The Afterthought

We tell you what we are doing and happen to mention that you might like it as well even though now, given the late notice you have been given, that it is nigh on impossible for you to join in. Typical messages will read

“Great party at Harry’s you would love the music here.”

“I am at Portofino’s with Hannah, the food is just your type of thing.” (Plus, who is Hannah by the way?)

“I am watching U2, they are awesome, you like them don’t you?” (When we know full well that U2 is your favourite band.)

You are left upset as you are missing out on something you would enjoy and also hurt because we have done it without you, knowing that you would have wanted to attend as well.

6. The Mirror

This does not appear as though it is actually a poisonous message because its content is pleasant and it is WHEN it is sent that is of relevance. If you are going through a period of devaluation and you then receive messages which appear to provide a Respite Period from the nastiness, be warned; you and somebody else are getting the same messages. Thus if we have been unpleasant to you for a number of weeks and you then get a message stating

“I miss you.”

“I love you.”

“I wish you were with me.”

It will lift your heart but understand that its generic quality, lack of personalisation and out-of-the blue quality denotes that you and your prospective replacement are both receiving this message from us. Double fuel.

7. The Backhander

It may seem like a pleasant message but it is not. This is usually sent to emphasise our importance and demote the apparent pleasantry in our message to you by causing it to appear second-best to the rest of what we have written. Examples would include

“I miss you but I am so busy closing this massive deal at the moment.”

“I hope you are well but I am focused on beating my time for the half marathon so lots of training at present.”

“I was thinking about you as I was polishing my new car.”

8. The False Hope

You receive a blank message from us following a period of silence and this causes you to respond, pleased to have received even this crumb of apparent comfort and thus you respond to it. We deny messaging you or suggest it must have been done by accident. The text equivalent of the butt dial. It was done on purpose and we noted just how quickly you replied to us as well.

9. The Forewarned Silent Treatment

You are told we will not be available to contact. The reason given is not because we are travelling or engaged in meetings or such like, but rather it will be explanations such as

“Don’t message me for 48 hours, I need to do some thinking.”

“I need some space, so I won’t be in touch for a few days.”

“I am feeling pressured so just need some breathing space. Don’t contact me until I contact you.”

Aside from gaining Thought Fuel at your disappointed and concerned reaction, this is being done to exert control over you and most of all to ensure that you do not get in the way and interfere as we are seducing someone else.

10. The False Emergency

We send a message asking for your help with something and you feel pleased to be involved as matters have been decidedly icy between us for a few days. You respond straight away but you are then told that it does not matter since Joe or Helen or Angela has already come to our aid/lent us the onion/changed the tyre etc. There was no incident which required your help or help from anybody. We wanted to see how quickly you would respond to our control and then we garner fuel from both your perceived and witnessed responses.

47 thoughts on “The Poisoned Messages of Devaluation

  1. Twilight says:

    My work phone hates me and likes to add words to my sentences

    1. Twilight, I laughed when I read that one, I thought you were giving an example of what your N used to say to you

      1. Twilight says:

        Lol I see why, I could give some example of what he has done

        He posted here on the blog under my name using one of my poems and put a warning to me in it.

        When you dance with a greater things can become intense at moments.

        1. Oh wow twilight. I woukd love to read about some of the things he has said.

          Goodness – he posted on here under your name. That must have been scary. Thankfully my brushings with greaters have only been short term.

          1. Twilight says:

            Lol I see why you would say this, it was a message and a choice was made on how to handle it.
            In reality HG is the best one to listen to on what Greaters say, do and the why, it will help more on your recovery then anything I will ever say.

          2. Twilight says:

            Alexis I actually thought about you asking to hear of some of the things he said. I really do want to speak of things yet in doing so will only reinforce the bond I have with him, I can’t afford this at this moment in time as to he is trying to get back in. Maybe once he has settled back down and sees me of no use to him I will be able to freely speak.

          3. Twilight, absolutely no need to share anything you don’t want to. I completely understand. After I went NC I was completely paranoid about whether he read anything I wrote. Not on here but another site a three years ago now. But the stronger you get, the less you care. I could not care less if he read anything I wrote about him now.

            But this is a personal journey and you should do what is right for you. Ultimately if it makes you uncomfortable definitely don’t do it. Xxx

          4. Twilght says:

            Alexiss I pissed him off, and he took my life. Triggered me in a way I never knew and it took a long time to find myself again.

          5. Awww I am so sorry for that twilight. They are awful people. The worst. But you will come through this stronger than before. I promise xx

          6. Twilight says:

            Thanks, yet they are people They are not awful but the choices they make to survive are and can have severe consequences for those that love them.
            My child died

          7. Oh twilight that’s unimaginable. I don’t even know what to say. Massive massive cyber hug and love to you xxx you’re a brave person x

          8. Twilight says:

            I don’t feel brave, in fact I would love to just feel someone (man) hold me, to be lost in them.
            Thank you Alexis many don’t understand here it’s different people do
            Hugs x

          9. You’re right Twilight, other people just don’t understand. That upset me at first.I never speak about any of these things to anyone any more (except on here). But when I think back to before I ‘knew’, I could not have possibly understood either.

          10. Twilight says:

            No they don’t and why even thou I have been hurt deeply on many occasions I understand this. People believe what they want and if it doesn’t effect their life or their beliefs then nothing changes for them.

          11. I think it’s almost impossible they can only relate it to what they’ve experienced.

            I have a friend who about 20 years ago who h in hindsight must have been dating an N. She was deeply traumatised when the broke up to a degree I couldn’t comprehend. Everything she went through and described at the time didn’t make sense to me and she was acting a little crazy. I stood by her and supported her, listened but I did not understand. We’re still friends now but she lost a lot of friends at the time because of how crazy it made her.

            Thankfully for me, I did not display this outwardly. Noone would have know anything was wrong but inside I was dying when mine started devaluation.

            I look back at wha my friend went through. I wish I had the knowledge back then to have helped her but I didn’t, it was beyond my level of consciousness.

            It’s not now and I can be there to help people and signpost them to HG’S blog of course.

          12. Twilight says:

            No most don’t until they experience it.
            Do you feel another’s pain or do you relate to their pain?

          13. I woukd have described myself as a super empath in my formative years twilight. Really and truly I could feel the intensity of another person’s pain.

            Life changed me twilight.

            The N brought all of those feelings back but they have completely diminished now.

            That said I have memories of what it feels like. And I although I don’t feel it kn an emotional level, I understand it on a cognitive one.

            I would never hurt a non N no way, because I understand how it m them feel. But an N – they’re fair game.

            Last time I cried 2005, before that 1993.

          14. HG Tudor says:

            What made you cry?

          15. Something very sad HG. I don’t feel sadness anymore. It’s not possible. So I can easily talk about it in the same way I could ask someone to pass the salt at the dinner table.

            But it would be too identifying on here.

            I can get the odd tear in my eye, that’s incredibly rare though. I just never feel sad anymore. I recognise its healthy to, so it’s not as though I purposely try not to. I just don’t ever feel sad.

          16. Twilight says:

            I understand Alexis thank you

          17. How did he take your life? What do you mean

  2. Twilight says:

    Lol HG I thought things had taken longer to escalate to where they are now.
    Will you follow a pattern if it goes unnoticed or will you changes things up if you know it has been noticed?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes and yes.

      Just out of interest, why must something be changed up and not just changed?

  3. Katie says:

    So, I have know the guy I am seeing is a narc… I have not let on… I enjoy the game, the drama, I give him the fuel he needs. Although I am so close to discard and I’m not ready to let go. We are both married to someone else.. we are the FWB although I have seen Facebook pics of him with another girl friend I did not let on that I knew…. I think she is in devaluation now as the pics of them have stopped. I know I have to go no contact to rid him but he won’t even miss me!!! So I keep playing although I am getting worried that the grand finale will hurt like hell. Do you think he will keep me on the side??

  4. emma says:

    My experiences were “I ran out of battery” “I’ve been busy” & “I never received the message”. The first and last being his favourites… he’d delight in showing me his phone and the lack of said message – plausible, but it’s also possible to delete individual messages. The text games have been a theme for me in several relationships! No more.

  5. 1jaded1 says:

    Yep…back in the old days…”oh i didn’t get your page”..that didn’t last long bc i turned it around with…”oh you must not have received my page” when I failed to page him (on purpose)…duh


  6. Insatiable Learner says:

    @Cody. We were intimate friends/affair partners. Both married. He is now divorced but with a new primary source. We spoke a few weeks ago. Used to be very close, spoke regularly, saw each other on occasion. Why I think he is a narc? All the signs are there, too many to count. He is somatic. I suspected something was off and thought about him being a narc but brushed it off. Then I learned his now ex-wife figured it out too. That independently confirmed my suspicions. We are still on good terms with him, just communication has been sporadic since his divorce and finding a new primary source. I presume they are in the golden period. Sometimes I start doubting thinking maybe he is not a narc because if he is, it’s so awful. Then I keep reading and reading everywhere and things are clicking like there’s no denying it. I am still struggling with accepting the reality of it. Don’t want to believe it. I mean it’s like a death sentence. No offense, HG. I am still thinking if there’s anything that can be done. It says everywhere it’s incurable. I cannot accept that. Not yet. Can’t write off someone I care about so deeply even though he did treat me without care and respect on many occasions. Lies, control, manipulation, neglect, empty promises over and over again. Roller coaster of unpredictability and frustration.

    1. Katie says:

      We are almost the same situation although I am in the final discard stage and even though I know… I still want him and play the puppet

    2. Tappan Zee says:

      It is like a death sentence.

      I resonate with much of that.
      And am starting to come to life.
      The death sentence isn’t ours…

  7. Darkness Falls Again says:

    Thank you HG, this has nothing to do with this but I suspect he is getting geared up for something sense I was confronted by a “mutual ” friend last night that was very insistent on answers. I just politely excussed myself and left.
    I know it is timing, my past and what he knows.
    Lucky for me I have a Master to look to for advice in dealing with such situations.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed you do.

  8. Louie says:

    Number 9. Number 9. Oh. I am gonna be busy so I won’t have time to talk AND where I’ll be the phone signal is splotchy at best. PUL-LEASE!!!
    Reckon he was busy with his Indiana ho/queen. But…he left here with nary a penny and that’s ALL she deals with him for. The food, travel and after-glow of shitting yet another innocent gal.
    Too bad they both are looking like warmed over road kill lately. Must be Karma. 😄

  9. Darkness Falls Again says:

    Are any of these be used durning a hoover that isnt going the way they plan?
    Extensive nasty messages were sent in responce to my last message after very charming heart felt ones, I never responded to them. Yet they could have been very hurtful if it had happen a few months prior and I would have responded with extreme hostility due to the circumstances that I was left to deal with.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They could well be used for malign follow up hoovers.

  10. Insatiable Learner says:

    Thank you for confirming, HG. This confusion also makes me want to hang on and be prepared to welcome him back if and when he decides to reach back out to me. Cognitive dissonance is huge. All the signs are there but I am struggling to let go and get him out of my head because he was never mean or nasty to me. Actually, always friendly and warm. I don’t want him and yet I do. How screwed up is this?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed it is but it is far from unusual, indeed we count on and rely upon it.

      1. Tappan Zee says:

        Indeed you help unscrew us up by relaying all this screwed up shit you do. I love it.

    2. Cody says:

      IL, what happened to make you think your ex is a narcissist? Is he an ex or are you still together? When did you last speak to him and what happened?

  11. Insatiable Learner says:

    Very informative! Thank you, HG! Never would have thought of “I love you” or “I miss you” as messages of devaluation. I have not received any nasty or mean messages. My experience was more lack of contact initiation or delayed responses that felt like neglect and loss of interest for no reason. But otherwise friendly and warm responses. I presume the above is still examples of devaluation based on your writing, correct? It’s just even more confusing than if there had been mean or nasty messages.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Correct IL and the inevitable confusion is all part of the engineering.
      “Something seems odd but his message reads in a pleasant fashion, perhaps I am imagining things?”
      The self-doubt and the plausible deniability abound with the usual consequences and effects.

  12. Love says:

    Oh my goodness. Thank you for the walk down memory lane. At least now I can laugh about it. It is a shame your narc skills are not fully developed in your teenage years. High school kids would eat this up. You would have been gorging on fuel in high school with these skills.

  13. Starr says:

    I wish you could find happiness and fulfillment in love instead of playing with people’s emotions and hurting others. You deserve to be loved but you also should feel real love as well . What will it take to make you stop cheating and hurting others ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Starr. The One. The One will do it.

      1. Love says:

        Lol The One must be hiding in a witness protection plan. If only she knew her services are gravely needed STAT! Perhaps you should send out an APB for her to understand the urgency of the matter.

  14. Forgotten says:

    I get the feeling 7 and 8 are You favourites dear G.?

  15. This non virus non problem way of thinking in depth catch all is such a tangled Web that the phrase just causes everyone to lose love hope faith & trust in each other while shutting off emotions & so that no one every can move beyond the fear of anyone outside themselves therefore the virus of the words meaning is terroristic & contagious! Talk about needing HELP

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