But Why?

but-why_

I have heard this said so many times, read about it from bewildered and perplexed people and know from experience the confusion that accompanies this question.

“But how could he do this to me after everything else? But why would he behave like this? But who would do such a thing as that? He said he loved me. I know he loved me. How does someone love someone else in such a perfect way and then act as if he does not even know them?”

I have written about how the empath likes to know everything. This is not because you are big-headed or wish to boast. You like to know everything in order to allow you to help. You need to understand a situation. It has to make sense to you. You must be able to comprehend what has happened and find some logical reason for the occurrence. This is why you spend so long trying to work us out. This is why when we are doling out the silent treatment you need to ascertain why we are doing it (I think now you understand we do it because we need to, not because there is a valid (according to your reality) reason for this behaviour). It is a natural empathic reaction. If you understand why something has happened you can then consider the ways in which it can be addressed, remedied and fixed. You want everything to be alright.

Accordingly, when our devaluation is unleashed against you it comes out of nowhere. Yesterday we held hands as we walked through the park together and kissed beneath the spreading oak. Today you have been subjected to a nasty period of name-calling and blaming. You are dumbfounded. Where on earth did that come from? In your reality it makes no sense at all. One minute every is okay,nothing changes but then suddenly we are being horrible to you. It just does not add up. It makes no sense. It gets worse.Not only does it not follow in a logical sense since our response (viewed in your reality remember) seems random, how can a person who says he loves you then batter you with his fists, lock you out of your home, sleep rape you, smash up your car, spit on you and so on? Not only is it not a normal sequence of events if you love somebody then you just do not do that, do you?

This is what makes it so difficult for you to comprehend. We have conned you into thinking that we loved you. We gave you the huge seduction and dazzled you with the golden period. We know what you perceive love to be and we gave it to you in spade loads all manufactured by Narc Inc. Our production line went into over time creating these false acts and hollow declarations of love but you fell for it. You always do. Accordingly, you were duped into thinking that we loved you so that when we begin to devalue you it flies completely in the face of what you understand to be the situation.

You will sit for hours with your close friends and recite example after example of all the wonderful things that we have said and done and then ask,

“How can he hurt me when he loves me so much?”

It is utterly perplexing. Naturally there is method in this madness. If it made sense, if there was a logical reason for this volte face you are more likely to accept it and walk away. This twisted and nonsensical logic is purposefully designed to keep you with us because:-

  • You must know what has happened and make sense of it
  • You want to make things right
  • You want the wonderful golden period again
All of this keeps you right besides us. Guess what? We dole out even more awful behaviour and it still does not make sense and you still do not go. We give you a glimpse of the golden period and your confusion increases. He does still love me I knew it. Then the door is slammed shut and you are left confused yet again but even worse this time, the brief return to the golden period has given you additional hope. You still do not go.
For once, rather than looking at it through your own eyes, consider it from our point of view. The devaluation does not come out of nowhere. It does to you but not to us. It happens because you are not giving us our fuel in the strength, quantity and frequency we demand. That is the logic behind our change in behaviour.
Why is it then that we are able to hurt you when we love you so much? Again, look at it through our eyes and the answer is straight forward. We never loved you. Accordingly, we are not affected by what appears (in your world) to be a hurtful and contradictory shift in our behaviour. Let me help you further. To us you are just an appliance. Initially because this appliance does what we want we look after it. We clean it, maintain it and take pride in it. Then it goes wrong. It is too much effort to try and repair it. We are horrible to you in order to make you work in a different way rather than trying to repair you to run as normal. Remember how people would slap the side of their television to make it work or give the washing machine a kick in the hope of causing it to run properly? You are just the same. You are an appliance and we give you a boot be it figurative or literal to make you provide us with fuel of a negative nature. We eventually get fed up that you are not working as we want you to so we chuck you on the scrap heap like so many discarded fridges, computers and washing machines. We have seen a new, shiny model which has attracted our attention instead.
So when you sit and wonder why this devaluation has happened, why our behaviour makes no sense and how can it be that someone who expresses such perfect love can be so hurtful, you know the answer. It makes no sense in your world but every sense in our world where you are just an appliance. Perhaps you had better start thinking about making some self-improvements and increasing your longevity yes?

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25 thoughts on “But Why?”

  1. I had a flashback reading this of my ex and I walking hand in hand down the street of historic homes and shady trees to the park in Georgia . I’m now physically sick and nauseous thinking about that moment and then a couple of months later him giving me the silent treatment and then me finding out about the girl he met on Facebook he cheated on me with . I’m so nauseous and upset.

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  2. It’s so hard to understand why you spend so much of your time and energy conning people . I would be exhausted , and a life of flings and different lovers would get very old. Having a new IP every year would get so annoying when I can have one person who knows the real me and loves the real me. If I lived like you I would lose my mind .

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  3. This is why I refuse to give in to his “nice to me for a day and then cruel to me the next” con. He is selfish and all that has ever mattered to him from me is sex, sex, sex. If I don’t “give him some” which is what he calls it, he will treat me cruelly. So that leaves me skeptical every time he is nice. Because when he is nice it means he wants something. Therefore I don’t trust his moments of kindness and I never will again. I may rant and rave about how he treats me. He will change for maybe one to two days and then go back to being a jerk again. Just like if I gave into giving him what he wants sexually even after he’s treated me cruelly, he will only have gotten what he wanted and would leave me feeling used and abused for giving in. He’s a big con artist and he can’t have what he wants if he refuses to give me what I want, which is kindness and love. I don’t ask for much. Just respect.

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    1. Omg… My ex used the sex card constantly. I felt like an object, turned my stomach. He sex as a tool for manipulation and discard. He refused to “put out” I was tortured.
      He said things like, “Maybe if you f*#cked me more I would treat you like my girlfriend and take you out”.. This was after 3 years together.
      That is just one example.. Of course, he was cheating on me as well. I could go on for hours.. I still have not recovered.

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      1. OMG! ME TOO! My husband uses the fact that I won’t have sex with as a reason to abuse me when I have a legitimate reason why which is, if you can’t treat me with respect, then why should I give you sex!? I have more respect for myself than to touch keep stupidly giving it up,vwhich I did up until three years ago when I left him but I had to come back because of our son. Anyway, it’s been three years now since I’ve not “given him some” and he treats me like the shit on the bottom of his shoes! Why can’t they understand that what they do is effecting us and that effect is causing this effect and so on and so forth. It’s like talking to a brick wall the millions of times that I’ve tried to explain this to him. He doesn’t care. All he cares about is he d!ck and what’s in between my legs.
        As punishment, I get the silent treatment, treated like I done exist, he starves me, I don’t have access to our only shared car, he talks to me like shit, he acts like I owe him when if anything he owes me for torturing me for 17 years! Trust me, if I had a place to go, which he made sure I didn’t, I’d been left him 15 years ago!! I have no friends, no family. I dedicate my entire blog to him. See that’s how much of a cancer he is in my brain. I hate him

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  4. Omg…. So much yes!!
    This is him!
    I’m so ashamed to say that we are both married with children, which makes it even more alarming. I met him through my best friend at the age of 15, he was his the step brother.
    He seemed to like me and even tried to serenade me at 15, I had zero interest.
    He started messaging me online a few years ago, he was very subtle about it.
    With each message he tried to know me more and become closer and closer to the adult version of me now.. Not the 15 year old girl who blew him off. Being the naive empath that I am/was, I could feel how much he needed to be loved. I wanted to help him and fill that void.
    At first when he repeatedly asked if I loved him, I told him it was an agape type love, I loved him as a person (not romantically) and I prayed for him every day.
    Eventually, after all of his persistent, romantic messages, I fell in love with the person I thought he was.
    He drove from several states to see me a few times. He wanted to get married saying he didn’t know his current wife well
    enough when they married and I was EVERYTHING he ever wanted. I was his SOUL MATE.
    Of course, I never questioned any of this because when I was physically with him, the energy was like nothing I have ever encountered. When I was with him, the world could have been on fire…. I would not have noticed. I won’t bore you with anymore details but I was convinced.
    I have never felt the sting of rejection, until now. I love him even though I know he has a disorder but I hate him for hurting me. I can’t accept that he never meant any of it!
    How can someone be fake to that level?
    I couldn’t fake an emotion if my life depended on it!!
    As you can imagine, I’ve had a lot of problems through out life.
    Generally, people think I’m a snotty bitch. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.
    I won’t kiss anyone’s ass or be fake, just to fit in, it’s not in my DNA.
    So that is what leaves me so bewildered!
    Give that him a fucking Academy Award!
    Currently, we are on silent treatment #2 and I don’t know what to do.
    I won’t beg and I won’t respond a second time after he ignored my last message.
    I know I need to end this insanity but at the same time, I want him to come back and want me, SO I CAN REJECT HIM!!

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    1. I can relate. When I was divorcing my ex-N, I liked winning him back from his latest supply so that I could reject him each time. I didn’t realize back then I was adding fuel to the fire.

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      1. I understand.
        Most likely, I will ignore him if he comes back, at least that’s the plan. None of this is worth it. I need to remember it will never be what it was in the beginning.

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  5. A child who has been an appliance to their mother has no idea how to treat anyone other than an appliance. N moms parade their children around like props/trophies in public. They save the ugliness for home. Can’t express what you don’t know.

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  6. I understand the devaluing but I have been in two long term relationships with narcs and was not discarded… I guess this appliance is a silver flask, when dull they polished and drank often!

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  7. Empath23, I can totally relate. I met mine at work. Hed come in all the time but I had no interest, he was just another random guy. I actually had a bf at the time. Everyone knew this man apparently except for me. He’d talk to me more and more when he came in and i started feeling like I could talk to this man forever. One day he wanted to swap numbers so we did. I text him and he said we’d have to hang out soon. We did. Weird thing is the first night we hung out he held my hand and stuff. As I was leaving he demanded that I kiss him so I did. He kissed me again and said if I didn’t leave then he was gonna make me stay. I thought he has kinda of a bossy side but I liked it. When we first became intimate it was something I had never experienced before. It was love and lust. Heaven and hell ice and fire. Everything. It was incredible. I was hooked to him. It got better every time. The back and forth he has put me through has been mostly just silent treatments when I didn’t go to him when he wanted me. Couple of times he has said something mean when I confronted him about ignoring me and once when I told him my friends warned me against him. But no matter what I will stand there beside him. I could never hurt him. It’s hell.

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    1. It’s heartbreaking to feel a strong connection to the wrong person! I have never felt anything this intense with anyone in my life! That’s why it was so easy for me to believe he was my soul mate and I really didn’t buy into shit like that before.
      I’ve felt him next to me when I was asleep and just waking up.. I could literally feel his presence and this very overwhelming feeling of warmth and love.
      I jokingly asked him if he was into Santeria or something because it was not natural!
      Two weeks into the first silent treatment, I had a terrible dream where all I could see was him standing in complete darkness. I could feel his pain, sorrow and sadness. I woke up myself calling on Jesus out loud and I was covered in sweat! I wasn’t planning to contact him, but a few days later I checked on him. The dream felt so realistic and I was really worried about him since he had a suicide attempt in the past.
      We haven’t spoke in 3 weeks.. He went from telling me how much he loved me, to never forget it and to always know no matter what, that he loved me (his favorite thing to say) to discarding me again.
      This time, I refuse to contact him.
      It really hurts to feel so connected to him still. Time is healing, but it’s a slow process.

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    2. Angel,
      The method of seduction he used on you and progression to becoming intimidate is so similar to what was used on me.

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  8. I’ve always been a sucker to n’s. Finally figured out why now because I’m such an empath. I can always feel when things aren’t right sixth sense . I have caught the bf N cheating numerous times. The last time I told him to leave don’t come back he moved a lot of his stuff. He asked me to marry him really omg I said No not now or never ever would I marry you I don’t love you. He kept asking then telling me marry me marry me my answer no no never never I don’t love u then he was like I didn’t know u didn’t love me really how could u think I love u after the things u have done ugh he still comes around only because I let him so I can get some of the money back I loaned his sorry ass so I give him what he wants sex he hasn’t really attempted to move back in good thing he creates too much drama and never paid any bills and suckered me to loan money he has damaged me further than I already was but I don’t let him know that he would love it he makes me sick I have read the things he wrote to the latest a lot younger chick with 4 kids whatever he needs to marry her. I still find it completely difficult to go no contact I don’t know if it’s just to try and recoop some of my money or what the hell he is a good manipulator I wish he would just disappear marry somebody else and lose total interest in me but I don’t think he will I still have his dog he doesn’t want to take him so another 5 years of my life wasted on another N maybe if I start dating he will just leave me alone so much damage has been done so I can’t trust men and wonder if I ever will

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  9. The light switched on with this one. The swift kick or slap on an appliance that isn’t working right really made it all so clear.

    Thank you for your time in creating the word pictures for those of us who just can’t seem to connect the dots otherwise.

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