One More Time



“I want you one more time.

This time I promise it will be the last time. I know that what I have done is wrong.

I was a fool and thought that I knew better. You see, I have always been in a hurry to get to wherever it is I am going. Sometimes I am not entirely sure but I do know that it is upwards, towards the top. I guess I just get so focused on that, that I forget about the things which really matter. Yes, I suppose that I took you for granted. It wasn’t always the case though was it? I gave you everything in the beginning because that was what I wanted to do. I wanted to please you and make you the happiest person in the world. I did as well didn’t I?

Then I lost my way. I think that perhaps you didn’t help, no, I am not going to do that. I am not going to blame you for my shortcomings. I have done that too many times. I have held you to account for my failings, blaming you for not helping me when I needed you there, castigating you for failing to understand me, ascertain my needs and give me what I needed. I realise that I have behaved selfishly. I tried not to. I did. I know it may not have seemed like that, but I was trying, it just becomes so hard at times, so difficult. But no. I am not going to pin the blame on you. I could. There are many things that I could point to. I might suggest you know how to needle me and that you deliberately set out to rile me. I might insinuate that you think more of your friends and your family than me and that was why I always caused a scene at get-togethers and stopped you seeing your friends as often as I did. I could infer that you lost interest in me even though I kept on doing what I did for us. I might raise the point that you seemed distracted, almost as if I was no longer good enough although we both know that isn’t the case don’t we? No, there are scores, if not hundreds of knives I could throw at you, each trying to wound you with my blame, but now is not the time for such an examination. We do not need to hold a post mortem about the things that have been said and done. I understand it was not your fault. I do.

So why did I do the things that I did? I have given this a lot of thought. When you left me, I was able to reflect on what had happened and admittedly at first I wanted to blame you for hurting me so. You do realise how much you have hurt me don’t you? I could not function without you. I was left weak, distraught and damaged. Your sudden disappearance was like some mortal wound to me, telling me that I wasn’t good enough for us, for you. Sometimes I wish that such things did not matter to me, but then if I thought like that, I would not care about us would I? I do care. I care so much about you and I that I want another chance. I want you again.

I want to show you how wonderful life can be again. We both know what we are capable of and even more so when our worlds collide. We have had some amazing times. I can tell you know that and you frequently remember them. I just want to have that with you again and for us to be done with all of the, well other stuff. I realise now how poisonous it was with the jealousy and the allegations, the accusations and the envy. It somehow infiltrated our relationship and little by little began to colour how we looked at one another. Sometimes I would sit and look at you and ask myself.

“How have we come to be so far apart?”

Little did I realise that even more distance would be put between us. I don’t like that. It scares me if I am honest. The thought of not being with you fills me with dread and I know I do not deserve your forgiveness but that is what I am asking for. Please forgive me because I did not know what I was doing. I was acting in the here and now, driven by the need to forge ahead and when I was taken in that moment I forgot the one person that means so much to me; you. I need to be given the opportunity to repair what you and I have. I know we belong together. We are inextricably linked. I told you that from day one, that it is written in the stars above and I still believe it to be the case. I must have that chance to prove to you that I can be all the things that you want me to be.

I am reconciled to the fact that I have to change. There is no hope for anything else is there? I must make those sacrifices in order to demonstrate to you that I am better than I used to be and I will do it, but I cannot do it alone. I need to be with you and only then will I have the strength to tackle that which needs to be tackled. I cannot do it alone. I have realised that. I need you by my side and I promise you that it will be worth it. It will be just as it used to be but this time only better. I will cherish you, adore you, protect you and love you like nobody else could. I know you better than anybody else. That is why we came together as we did, we are drawn together, two pieces of the whole which belong together. I know it was me that spoiled things and I did so for my own selfish and weak reasons. We do not need to go there again, there is nothing to be gained in rehearsing all of that once more. I know what I did and it was wrong. There, I have said it. Let us draw a line under that. Let us move forward and I will do anything and everything to respect you, support you and give you what you need and deserve. I love you and I always have. I love you and I always will. Please, allow me to prove to you that I am the man you believe me to be. I want you one more time, but this time it is the last time.”



An excellent rendition even if I say so myself with appropriate emphasis when required to drive home the message. I am impressed I remembered it so readily actually. Let’s hope she can’t remember it from last time.

19 thoughts on “One More Time

  1. B says:

    I would definitely fall for that. I have never heard such things before, but if I had I would probably shead a few tears of joy for the first time. As much as I would love to hear those words, I am lucky and thankful that I don’t.

  2. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

    Lovie, did he go back to his old ways after u left him?

    1. Lovie says:

      I was away from him for almost two years, during that time I heard through his lieutenants, he was despondent over my leaving him. The new girlfriend ( one of many he had cheated on me with) even contacted me to tell me that he confessed to her while they were on vacation that he “was still in love with Lovie” so they broke up. I thought all of this meant he was so in love with me, was living in regret and had learned his lesson too late. I know now that it was triangulation, he is ALWAYS using that narc move. What had really sparked his tears ( which I didn’t realize at the time) was I became engaged to another man. Someone else was about to have his favorite toy!! That relationship was doomed from the start, one reason being I was still so in love with Dickula. I went back to him because it never occurred to me he had NPD. I thought he had issues stemming from childhood trauma which he was getting help for. Also, he is ten years younger than me and when he came back into my life, he seemed to have mellowed and matured. That was just a new mask. The answer to your question is yes, but he didn’t go back to his old ways, he never left them. He just morphed into something more manipulative to get what he wanted from me, which was everything. And it took me four more years and total devastation of my life to recognize him for the terrorist that he is and leave him for good.

      I just exposed him in a well thought out, very public way, just last night actually. Causing him to lose the new supply and what little bit he was still squeezing from me. It was something he never dreamed I would do. It hurt me financially but was worth it to me because it showed him he no longer has me where he wants me. I’m hoping this will dissuade him from contacting me ever again.

      They never change. Ever. He only got better at manipulating me, causing even more damage.

  3. forgotten says:

    Oh my…couple of tears too… and we dumb stupid follow our hearts again…. I do not like myself being who I am…

  4. Catscratch says:

    Oh holy sh*t.

  5. Lovie says:

    Do you ever feel just a tiny bit sorry, for destroying a person who loves you so? It’s very hard to come to terms with the fact that someone will knowingly destroy another human being who would do anything for them. I know you view us as mere “appliances” but when you become aware that we are not, and we suffer great pain from your actions, do you ever have just a twinge of regret, guilt, remorse or…..anything at all?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No Lovie I do not, it just is not there.

    2. Ptsdafternarcabuse says:

      My narc is a mid ranger. He says he doesn’t want to get into another relationship because he doesn’t want to ruin somebody else’s life. Is it possible for some narcs to feel cognitive guilt though not from the heart HG? Otherwise why would he not want to ruin somebody else’s life? He was exposed by the way to few family members and friends. Maybe this exposure has made him feel sorry?
      The article is spot on btw. “Ok now stop!” he would always say. Sigh. Thank u HG.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        It is not cognitive guilt but rather a degree of cognitive empathy whereby we can understand what someone might feel, we understood what the appropriate reaction is but we do not feel it in any way other than through understanding. Thus I know that when somebody has lost a relative to illness, it is the acceptable thing to tell them that I am sorry for their loss. I do not feel sorry, I do not experience their sorrow like someone empathic would, nor do I experience a sense of concern for their situation, instead I just know from observation and recall what the socially acceptable response is in order to maintain the façade and to manipulate the situation. He is saying this in order to manipulate you in order to make you feel special and to tell him that he did not ruin your life. The exposure will have made him feel sorry; for himself.

      2. Lovie says:

        HG’s answer is dead on. For the first 4 years Dickula had me in his freak show, I thought all of the crying and carrying on meant he was remorseful. He too, would say the same thing about being alone so he wouldn’t ruin anyone’s life, eventually it dawned on me that he put on this show only after he was caught cheating, I left him and he was suffering the consequence of having his “Lovie doll” taken away. Much like a spoiled petulant, three year old, sobbing over a toy being taken from him because he was beating another child over the head with it. It was all fun and games for him while he was causing the pain.

      3. catlady2468 says:

        I agree HG’s answer is full on correct my middle mid range Ex N said those same words to me in moments he thought I’d lap it all up, it’s definitely cognitive understanding ONLY and in my experience is indeed used to manipulate you back into the relationship (along with the hope of some make up sex in the near future i assume) and you to nurse his wound.

  6. Would you like all of my letters so you can make copies, it’ll be much easier than trying to remember! 😛

  7. Jane Hall says:

    Yes,, that could have been written by my husband. Of course, he is sorry. He loves me and only me! And now he comes to church and he went through such hell when we split up, he is so happy we are back together. I do go on about the past sometimes, but he thinks I should leave the past where it is. I do forgive him for what he has done, but trust him? Do you think HG that someone can be truly changed? God can do miracles.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Jane, no I do not. How long have you been back together again? I take it that you do not trust him however, how does that make you feel in respect of the status of your relationship now?

      1. Jane Hall says:

        I have been married a long time to him. Had two children with him. I forgave him time and time again, because I am a Christian. I was like an elastic band…always springing back, with new belief that this time he had changed. This time we could make it. This time we could be a family. then one day I had a clear picture coming into my mind…of a doll – a beautiful doll…and a boy….holding the doll….admiring it. Then in anger shouting at it, pushing it…and I realised…that picture was me and my hubby. I was just a THING. Maybe he did love that THING…he saw me as a strong person. he told me when I sold the house and left that he thought I was indestructibnle!! Why would he think such a thing?
        I lived in a rented house with my children for a while. Hubby saw the light. I didn’t believe him at first. Thought he was using the God card. But H came to church, even got baptised and seemed to genuinely change.

        Sadly my love died for my husband. I am back with him. But I only see him half the week, because he works away. We brought a house in my home town, to do up. Its been a long process.

        When house is sold. I have a choice. Buy another house with the NEW man. Or, buy a house with my children. I am affected. When H is away at work…I don’t miss him. Sad. But true. Then he comes back….and he is excited for the future. But I have been affected by the many years of emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse.

        So, yes…it seems H can become a new man and find a peace with God. Can God do Miracles? yes, he can. But sadly, I just don’t feel the same anymore for him. The elastic broke quite a while ago.

  8. Reblogged this on NarcMagNet69x96.

  9. ANarcsNightmare says:

    Do you use the word “love”? Interesting. Most narcs do not use that word. Its almost like giving their power away. Most narcs do not use the word as it is almost giving away power. HG, do the Greaters use this more freely and if so, why do the lesser and mid-range not use it? That has always been curious to me. It is just a manipulation tool? Of course it is, just like the rest of the story you have just rendered for us, correct?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes I do because I know it is what my targets want to hear during seduction and it is indeed powerful. I haven’t seen any discernible difference in its use by the various schools, save of course that the expression of it is more varied and detailed by the greater than the lesser. Of course the expression of love is indeed used as a manipulative tool because of the empathic trait of being a love devotee.

  10. Smoke says:

    HG I feel you have just refreshed my memory. Oh and on such a special day. Today my anniversary w my exN!

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