A Dark Angel

 

a-dark-angel

 

I am regarded as a bad person. In fact, bad would be considered somewhat mild and I have been on the receiving end of epitaphs of “evil”, “satanic”, “malevolent” and “hell’s representative on earth”. None of those labels have bothered me in the slightest. Is that because they are true and I am content to acknowledge what my behaviour amounts to? Perhaps. The greater truth is that they were all delivered coated in emotion, dripping with fuel and the person hurling what they perceived as an insult at me was doing quite the contrary. They thought they were striking me down, belittling me and hurting me when they were just making me all the more powerful. But they were not to know this were they? Very, very few people actually understand why my kind behave as we do. Oh those who have the misfortune (their word) to entangle with my kind know all about our behaviours. They will sit you down and spend all day cataloguing every despicable deed, each aggressive act and all those malicious moments as if they were reading from a diary. That is how etched on people’s minds we become, how we infect their hearts and poison their souls. I know because I know what I do. I know because you show me how it affects you and you certainly do plenty of telling me (as well as anybody else who listens) because that is how embedded we become. We appear coruscating and shining and then we maim, cripple and injure. You know better than anybody else how it affects you but you rarely understand. How could you? You have no idea who you are dealing with. We do not appear with the letter N branded on our foreheads as a warning (although I suspect even if we did some people would still fall prey to us). You do not know what has wrapped its tendrils around you and you cannot be expected to know. It is not your fault although we will spend all of the devaluation and beyond telling you that it is. Those of our kind do think everything is your fault. They are programmed to think nothing else. I am worse. I know it is not your fault but the maintenance of blame is key to the upholding of control and the continuance of my dominance and therefore I will readily apply that which I know to be false in order to achieve what must be achieved. Again, you would not know this and whether you have become entangled with a Lesser, Mid-Range or Greater of our kind you become ensconced in trying to make us see, make us understand and achieve some kind of breakthrough. It is nigh on impossible. The Lesser is not programmed to accept it. You are trying to put a video cassette in a Blue-Ray player. It just will not operate. The Mid-Range must apply fault because he knows it provides him with a defence. The Greater of us understand what you are saying and know you are right but we will not accept it because we must remain superior.

Those you turn to for assistance do not understand either. Well-meaning family and friends struggle enormously to grasp what has happened. This is because they cannot comprehend someone can actually behave that way and it becomes easier to think you are the one with the problem, that you are over-tired, stressed (hell of course you are because we made you that way) and you are imagining things, mis-remembering and so forth. They do not want to become involved because that means trying to fathom it out and it is too hard. It also means shattering the façade we have created and it is so much easier to keep it intact and point to exhaustion/drink/drugs/hysteria and so on than grapple with understanding there is such a thing as a narcissist who love-bombs then abuses in the blink of an eye? Even those who do try to understand become jaded with the unrelenting news feed of abhorrent aberrations that you detail on a daily basis. Plus, people are ultimately too wrapped up in their own lives. Who would credit it? Selfishness from us and from them keeps you trapped.

Professionals offer some insight in varying degrees although few have actually experienced it and it is only those who have done so who can truly relate the full horror and the unrivalled brain-mashing, mindfuckery, soul-destroying rollercoaster ride of being entangled with us. Seeing is believing. The absence of truly experiencing what it means to be ensnared by us means that explanations fall victim to conjecture, theory and speculation.

This is where my good job arises. I am a bad man but I am doing a good, not a great job, by conveying to you why we do as we do, why we say as we say and allowing you to take on board this information and applying it as you see fit. This is not done as an altruistic act; such a concept is anathema to me. I have my own agenda and my own aims to achieve as a consequence of this sharing of knowledge. It also appeals to my malevolent outlook by empowering you, those who have suffered with our kind for so long, with the knowledge and tools to fight back. It entertains me to think that the provision of my information is causing consternation and mayhem amongst our kind as you, the empathic victims move on, fight back and progress. I owe my brethren no loyalty. It is one for one and damn the all. My methods are my methods are my methods. The useful consequence of my actions however is that finally you start to gain understanding. You realise what makes us tick. You finally realise that we operate to our own reality and our own logic. You realise how we see things and therefore it finally makes sense even though it does not make sense – if you see what I mean.

You grasp that it was an illusion. You understand it is lie upon lie upon lie. You realise why that was said, this was done and why it keeps on continuing. It still makes no sense to you from your perspective but then you begin to realise why to us it makes sense and that is why we do it. You understand that it is not about winning the battle but never fighting the battle to begin with because the odds are always in our favour. We make the rules, choose the rules, break the rules and remove the rules. It still takes time for it all to filter through and click into place but when it does – well, the effect is significant. The phrases you have heard so many times take on a new meaning. The actions which left you bewildered, hurt and confused now only hurt. You understand why we want you mired in emotion. It still takes you time to plough through that emotional sea but at least you now realise why you were thrown into it. Myths are dispelled, incorrect assumptions are crushed and you are given the very thing by which we operate and by which we succeed – cool, hard logic.

There is so much to convey to you. So much to detail from how we come into being, what we are trying to achieve, what we are seeking to keep at bay, why we keep doing what we do, why change doesn’t happen, why we choose you, why we never let go and so much more. All of it will be provided to you. It is brutal, it hurts and it is uncomfortable but then haven’t you had enough of the sugar-coated crap? Now it is time to swallow the harsh truth because that is what will ultimately set you free, that and your application of it to your own circumstances.

So, this is what I do. I write. I detail. I convey. I illuminate. You can keep seeing me as evil, bad and hellish. By all means, that is your choice, but I know you understand, at least most of you do, that this bad man is doing a good job. If you keep reading, keep asking and keep digesting, you will achieve your desired outcome.

All the errors, mistakes and failures you have committed and experienced can now be consigned to history as you embark on a different chapter towards your eventual freedom. No longer will you be hindered my misunderstanding, hampered by confusion and mired in the wrong answers. For too long you have been led up the garden path, taken in circles and made the wrong decisions based on erroneous understandings. That was because you didn’t have me. After all, it takes a wrong doer to show you that you are doing wrong.

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78 thoughts on “A Dark Angel”

  1. You certainly reacquainted me with logic to filter out the emotional turmoil constantly distorting my reality. It’s almost as if I have a virtual diary on here having contributed on so many of your blogs for over a year starting at my lowest point. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being patient answering many questions, redundant at times because it took a while for the “aha” moment to happen. Thank you for including me here and making me welcome to have a voice and even encouraging it. Thank you for bantering and letting my sense of humor return again. Thank you for hearing me HG. It means more than you’ll ever know. Forever a loyal fan of the not-so-bad man doing a magnificent job!!!

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      1. Hg-
        I am recently divorced from a narcissist after almost 10 years of marriage. We share 4 kids together. 9.8.7.5.
        I would like to be victorious over him and all his tactics to continue to get fuel from me. He uses the kids bc that’s all he can do now. I get to be indifferent and unemotional though that goes totally against the core of who i am…
        He is the kind that scratches his own face, said i did it and i get arrested and put in jail. All in front of our children so they at least know the truth. But he confuses them too. Totally end justifies the means.
        He is very very angry that i divorced him as i was not only a great fuel source in using everything good about who i was to use against me….but he is very selfish and greedy and valued money and sex through me.
        Now he has neither bc he devastated everything about me and im homeless (selling my house in divorce, which i bought but he thought was his. What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine)
        Im living w my mom w our 4 kids trying to heal. Im not working at all just living on child support which infuriates him. I was a teacher and i owned a driving school which i sold to focus on divorcing him bc i knew id need all my energy for that.
        He keeps trying to get at me through physical proximity to do something bad against me no doubt based on a lie which he’s done in the past. I try and never be around him but if i must, i always have a witness. He still tries to control me and is still trying to get close to me physically. Lately, through kids birthday parties with savory words of , put our differences aside and do it for the benefit of the kids….
        All bs. For sure. But he knows so well how to make himself look good and me not. Which is not accurate at all. He has been so mean to me….w no consequences…. i have never been mean to him and i have had consequences..and yet I’m just supposed to kill him w kindness according to my lawyer. Just forgive and be smart and invite him ti the bday parties since there will be lots of people around.
        But i know it won’t stop there….there’s always more….
        I just don’t want to feel like a powerless rag doll flopped around by him.
        Bc of the kids i will have to deal w him many many more years. We do not have the same parenting philosophies. He is very limiting and im not. I like them to have broadened world views and many experiences…
        He would rather take that grain of truth and exaggerate an injury, manipulate drs and the system to keep my son from climbing. My son loves to climb. My older son (not w the Narcissist) was a professional climber and my lil son looks up to him….plus he just loves to climb…
        But bc my older son climbed my ex works that much harder to make sure his son will not.
        All the games….
        Anything you can say to help. I pray it gets better as they get older…. but it’s so difficult….
        Any insight? Thanks. I find this a unique blog. Ty

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  2. It takes a strong person to admit their flaws and wrong doings, although I’m sure you may not view things as such.

    Yes, some of it is painful to read but it is a must, at least for myself. I need to know and understand to have peace! I ordered Excorcism today and can not wait to start reading it!

    We are only as sick as our secrets, lies drain us, the truth strengthens us and sets us free!!!

    Thank you HG, from the bottom of my healing heart! 💖

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  3. My choice is not to see you as a bad man. You are doing an excellent job here and I’m not sure where I would be right now without you.

    I thank you for taking the time to listen to everything I have had to say.
    I thank you for answering all of my questions. Your answers have been the key to my progress and recovery. Nobody else has them except you. Not only do you answer the first question, but then when I have just one more, you answer that one as well. Sometimes it takes one of you books plus a couple of your articles and one of my questions answered for the lightbulb to go off for me.
    I thank you for the cold hard truth that sometimes I don’t want to believe, but I do believe everything you say.
    I thank you for making me welcome here. As I have said I have never been on social media anywhere and I didn’t know what to expect. I feel extremely comfortable here confessing everything about my life. I don’t think there is another person who has heard as much about me as the people on this blog. I thank them for being very kind to me also.

    For every person who calls you evil, you have someone here who says otherwise. A narcissist changed my life for the worst, but another narcissist is changing my life for the better.
    I will forever be grateful HG. And I hope you will be around for awhile to answer a lot more of my questions.

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  4. HG many may think what they may, yet all the work you do to bring such knowledge into the open. Magnificent Job!
    I may still be a mess at times, yet because of you I am making my way through it all.
    You have brought so many answers to so many of my questions. To me you are perfect!
    Eternally grateful!

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  5. A big thank you and forever gratitude.. You opened my eyes, you listened, and you helped me immensely… I’m sorry, I don’t see a bad man… I see and feel the wounds that created both of us… Keep up the extraordinary writing and work…

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    1. I think the pic is awesome…she is the furtherest thing from a monster, FTC, in my opinion but I seriously dare anyone who doesn’t post a pic of themself for real on this blog to cast the first stone…just saying

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  6. It as an absolute breath of fresh air knowing you exist, HG Tudor. I am grateful for your existence and your brilliance in a world where so many are mediocre (at best) and content to be so.

    You push the envelope.
    You lead the way.
    You inspire.
    You motivate.
    You create.
    You radiate.
    You live in darkness and yet, you are a light in that same darkness.

    You are the epitome of class, excellence, and magnificence.
    Never has being bad sounded so delicious.
    Never has being bad read so perfectly and poetically.

    You know I have the utmost respect for you, your writing and all you do for everyone here. What you do here is beyond good – it is golden.

    You are good at being bad.
    You make me glad I am bad too.
    Finally, I am in good company.

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      1. I thought i left a comment..but i dont see it…i would love some insight to my situation. From u hg

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  7. HG – my dark angel has seen the light.

    After many years of terrible, manipulative behaviour…my husband HAS changed. He must be in the minority. A very small minority.
    I am a strong woman, its true. But, it was a spiritual act – a supernatural occurrence, you may not believe this HG – but my husband is like a different person. So there is hope for you.

    All I have to do is rewind the clock to how I felt about him BEFORE he killed my love for him. THAT is the difficult bit. His rebirth came so late.

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      1. My husband says the old him was a devil.

        He is not needing the fuel from me any more. He gets his fuel straight from the Heavenly Father. True. Absolutely true.

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      2. Our Heavenly Father is the only one who can fill the void within us all!
        We try to fill it with various things only to remain empty, lonely, disappointed and frustrated.
        It’s a never ending thirst that nothing of this world can satisfy, only our Creator can satisfy the human heart.

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    1. How did your husband turn around ?
      I wonder about Narc I believe they have been living only in the ego and it would take spiritual awakening to bring transformation

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      1. My husband changed…after 22 years. I lived in hope many time and felt total pain each time he was abusive to me. He abused me physically, mentally and emotionally. Then one day…the bank was empty…I had nothing left. Zero. I looked at him and realised he was a horrible man and sold the house, right under his nose.

        Once he had lost the house, me and the children (in their late teens) and we were living in rented accommodation….he saw the light. Literally.

        He started going to church. At first I didn’t believe him. It took a while to even take his sIo called change as a genuine. But here we are 4 years later..and he is indeed a different person to that nasty narc person that he was.

        I do have trust issues. And I have love issues. It is difficult to forget the memories of how he was and how he treated me. He ruined birthdays, holidays, family occasions. I could write endless stories of what he did.

        I would never go back to my old life. Hubby says he is never going back to that dead inside narc. That is why I believe that there is hope for HG. It is a spiritual thing. Only God could change my husband.

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  8. When I read your second paragraph here and the Blind or Stupid article It made me wonder if you have written one particular article explaining how our entanglement with a narcissist has affected us to the “normals”. I know many people here have expressed being seen as “crazy” just like me from others on the outside. I’m looking for something that I would be able to hand to my husband, daughter, brother, and etc. that would give them some understanding in short form. They are not at all interested at all in the details and knowledge like I am or in reading any book about the subject. They never want to hear the word narcissist again.

    I am at my wits end trying to explain it to them.
    Thanks for any suggestions HG

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      1. Thanks for the recommendation HG.
        Very appropriate because I refer to you as The Evil Man. I do mean it in the nicest way. lol… they think you are part of the family

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      2. Indeed it is Clarece. Mind you the question of his nationality is interesting. He was played by a British actor, voiced by an American actor. An akin was born, I think on Tatooine but Darth Vader was created elsewhere, I’m not entirely sure where that happened as it is some time since I’ve seen Revenge of the Sith.

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      3. Everywhere I go, People notice the EVIL that pops up. It catches everyone’s eye.
        You should make it a gif. Lol

        I am sure you have a list of names people have called you.

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  9. I don’t see you as a bad man at all. Yet, each time I open up your blog – am directed to the word “EVIL” burning in flames… Then I read the current brilliant post you have written ~ and am inspired to heal. And feel better about my life. You, HG are a paradox, indeed. There is goodness inside of you, even if you’re not able to acknowledge it yet.

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  10. You have helped me and so many people. I can’t thank you enough. You are the one who makes me understand what I didn’t. You really have no idea how you’ve helped. With his latest contact, I have ZERO anxiety. I wish he didn’t contact though. It just confirms that he won’t let go and now I know why. That’s not to say I wont dread entering spheres 1-5…I can deal better. You have given me the tools to empoower myself. I look forward to learning much more from YOU.

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    1. Hi Jaded,
      That’s wonderful that you had zero anxiety with his contact. Congratulations! That shows you have come a long way. That is my goal. I just failed my first test this week and it was only with someone associated with my ex. It was horrible. I didn’t know what to say and it brought back all sorts of memories. I guess I need to practice scripts taking to other people too now. I will get better though.
      You are giving me encouragement!!! Thanks.

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      1. Thank you, Snow White. That means a ton. It has taken me a long time, like nearly the almost decade we have been broken up. I couldn’t understand why he did what he did when we were together, but my other half protected me from the extreme. The hoovers, both benign and malignant were most confusing. When a relationship is over, it’s over or so I thought. Now I know…and so do you. I wouldn’t call what happened to you a failure. It’s a learning opportunity. You now recognize you need to be on guard or stay away from people in her circle. That’s empowerment.

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      2. Thanks Jaded!
        I will think of it as a learning opportunity.
        One day I will be good at it. But being on guard for life is not something I’m fond of.

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  11. Platform 29…11:11 pm. Droplets of mist in the air are being lit by the overhead lamps…I can see just ahead the approaching lights of the much anticipated “Orient(ed) Express”…and it’s right on time. Just as they told me it would be. Out goes the gold filter, black paper Sobriny…and I climb on board ready to embark on the journey of a lifetime.

    I guess Susan won’t have to ask you that extra question now as you answered her question here and have verified my point as well that I was trying to make for her and the others HG.

    With utmost respect,
    Yours truly. <3

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  12. I think your sister is a little in denial. Speaking from experience, the pain of realising you don’t actually have a brother and he doesn’t love you is sometimes too much to bear and you end up enabling and over-encouraging as it’s the only way to feel any kind of connection.

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  13. PS my borther also made huge progress. I purposely mispell the word because he would like that. He doesn’t care for fucktards who spell properly. That would be submitting yourself to another force and that’s weak. He’ll do what the fuck he likes.
    He and I went for a walk at age 24, which was 2 years after he bashed me. He greeted an elderly woman in a mechanic manner and treated her with respect, hello. how are you. and that was a huge deal for him.
    But of course, he was demonstrating to ME how to treat people properly. I didn’t know anything. I’d become a TV reporter and could speak to bikies and interview the Prime Minister, but of course that never actually happened. Let’s not forget how superior he is, and he is God who must teach me how to greet inferiors. I went along with it, as an enabler (at the time empath encouraging a retard, in my world).

    To those who think your narc is making progress… do not forget that everything to them is just a concept. They are mastering yet another game, however this time for no gain, which is very unnatural. They are forcing themselves on to a concept that they know is “good” and it would seem that it attracts peace (though not the level of desired fuel).

    My brother did a lot of meditation, could emote through music, could respond well and actually apologised for his violence to me. However, his internal state remained dependent on external circumstances and later, went backwards in the most extreme way to the point where I’m quite sure he could kill.

    I say this to lower your expectatons because you may get the result you want but please know they can’t, can’t be like you. They are born to be something outside of your comprehension, and judging that will hurt you. The best advice I can give is that it is never too late to be loved and that you deserve it.

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  14. I would add to my last comment that although the wounds are excruciating, and I mean very excruciating, you can handle that and from this experience please thank him for developing in you the utmost compassion that you never imagined possible to feel for other people. Too often we are focused on achieving a status or image because of societal demands, “wife”, “lover” and yet who cares? I would never judge someone for their relationship status.
    and my relationships with narc boyfriends have taught me that compassion for what they are is more important that what I was hoping to achieve by being coupled with them.
    They have ABSOLUTELY and I truly, truly say ABSOLUTELY no idea what it would feel like to be you. The depth and colour of your world is only what you know, although he might have the words for it and care for you, he’s speaking a foreign tongue. Parseltongue in fact, thanks JK Rowling for the metaphor.
    It may seem unfair to you after so much time, as to why they can be world champions in everything or alleviate your pain so easily.
    But what an amazing experience that two people so alien can connect in unique ways. Thanks to God.
    If you are agreeing to this situation out of love, and I have often considered that too, as in poverty one must survive and respect onself, then that too is admirable.
    It is all about choice, and thanks to HG for making us aware. I learned that I do not have the strength to go hungry to make it work because that causes erosion to the point of non-function. And that’s ok.

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  15. Thank you Dark Angel. You are a fiercely intelligent saviour who appears to have transcended the Dark Triad to develop the one quality lacking in narcissists: insight. That you then share your self-awareness is our blessing. That have your own reasons does not matter to me, knowledge is its own reward.

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  16. There is a man,
    He have a name,
    It’ s HG,
    HG TUDOR.
    He is an angel,
    A fallen angel.
    He will raise,
    He will raise again.
    Tomorrow,
    Tomorrow indeed.

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  17. HG Tudor.

    Some would say that stands for:

    Hoover Glutton. Truly Unsurpassed Devils Own Representative

    Or is it: Holy God. The Undeniable Doer Of Righteousness.

    Either way. I like him.

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  18. whatever he future from all the Narcissists I’ve interacted with You are the most malign and intelligent one AND YOU did the most good in my life so the conclusion is You have my eternal love and loyalty till my last breath ❤ and therefore I’d never call You even bad person…

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  19. What are people’s opinion on providing proof to authorities? I have tried to report threats, violence and locking up for isolation and afterwards reporting it, they say I have no proof.
    Who in their right mind is able to whip out a camera when you are being obliterated by a narc? What can we do?

    Also HG, what do you make of cases like these: http://www.sbs.com.au/topics/life/feature/hot-blood

    If she had been educated as to his lesser state then could have avoided applying her traits to his situation.

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    1. I don’t relax, my mind is always whirring but it causes me no issue. I can read a book, watch a film, sink a beer, look at the view etc perfectly happy having been fuelled beforehand.

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  20. Well if that is the case, why can’t you switch to positive fuel only?
    I just can’t accept that victims have to live with permanent psychological and physical disabilities for your purposes.
    I know, you don’t do right and wrong, but fuck, let’s look at logic.

    I’ve lost all my life dreams and the narcs sail onwards without a care. I have no network and no future.

    I have worked so hard to get back up only for another one to come along over and over because I never knew. After 30 years I just can’t get back up, and don’t think I will ever. One has one’s limits.

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    1. Hello Violet, because the demand for positive fuel from a primary source means that so far, in my experience, the supplier of this fuel is unable to maintain the required potency/frequency/quantity and thus the switch must be to negative fuel because it is potent, it edifies and it is also part of punishing that person for failing us (just as we have been punished). We must feel powerful and the easiest way to do that once someone displeases us, is to make them less powerful than us, thus by contrast we become more powerful and have the upper hand.
      You have been created with a different emotional matrix to us. That is why we sail on care-free and you do not.
      You now have a big difference Violet. You wrote “because I never knew”. Know you do know and you know far more than most. You can seize that power and get back up. You have done it before and that was when you did not have the advantage that you have now.

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  21. I’m not saying you’re wrong but I wish to convey the seriousness of the impact of all narc behaviour.
    Narcs have given me advice before that is along these lines, in the comments, and it can patronise us because,
    A) it minimises the gravity of the abuse thereby further causing shame about its impact, and raising expectations far too high as to how much we can recover. This then causes us to think we are not that damaged, and this sets us up to fall down later because we cannot recover from behaviour like that.
    Sometimes they’ve just gone way beyond our limits and the damage is permanent. It is unrealistic to recover and adds further damaging pressure on the victim to try to do so. This causes disassociation. Disassociation leads to depersonalisation and being out of touch with ones values and limits.
    We will then pretend we are fine when we are not, and this poor judgment leads us open to further manipulation.
    B) we feel even more alone because not only have we carried your bad behaviour but we now carry the damage, alone and we are being told to smile because hey, it was just someone else’s mental illness. Never mind we have been made a cripple for good.
    C)awareness doesn’t fix what has been done.

    I am grateful to understand that the people I’ve known were long gone in character and this explains their behaviour. I didn’t have the word for the illness but I did understand them. I did not understand they were fixed like concrete.
    I cannot forgive yet because what my parents friends and partners have stolen would be enough to create a vegetable and that is in essence how I feel. If I had known I would have never spoken to them or looked their way. That is what most angers me.

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