Thank you, thank you very much everyone. Sorry to have kept you waiting but there was a whole wagon load of fuel for me to gather up back here. Complicated business this gathering fuel you know, complicated. Thank you very much. I will keep saying this as it sounds like the right thing to do and after all I am polite, bullish yet polite.
I’ve just received a call from The Loser. She congratulated me. It’s all about me. On my victory. I congratulated her and thanked her for being such a willing vehicle for triangulation, if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be able to access half as much adoring fuel as I have done and it is easy for me to sound magnanimous in victory.
I mean she fought very hard, but it was marvellous seeing those steely glares and receiving those savage put downs as we fought it out on television during those debates. Some people criticised me for light preparation for those debates but you don’t prepare brilliance it just happens and I should know. I have ten billion reasons why I am brilliant. Still, she fought very hard and all that negative fuel was delicious even if it was coming from one of the brethren, but hey, any fuel in a storm yes and a win is a win is a win. It’s all about the win. My win.
She has worked very hard and very long over a long period of time and she owes me a debt of gratitude for even allowing her to stand alongside of me.
I mean that very sincerely – which means I do not mean it at all but let’s not worry about that right now because I am the winner and we all want to be on the winning side don’t we – but now it is time for us to bind the wounds of division, have to get together. Was that right Rudy? Excellent, we are good at saying what people want to hear aren’t we, after all that’s why I won.
I know I said that those people of a particular religious persuasion won’t be allowed in my country and that was a great comment for winning votes and for getting the fuel flowing but now I am at the top table, I need to lay on the charm and seduce the world leaders so I am going to change it to putting in some stringent checks instead. It will probably all get watered down eventually and I will deny I even said they couldn’t come here to begin with, but I can do that because I am me and I am in charge. I need to do what is right at the right time. For me. What can I say, I am a pragmatist.
I also mentioned building a wall. Well get this, I am going to build two walls. One to the south to stop those criminals getting into my great country and one to the north to stop the traitors running off to Snow and Moose Land before I have devalued them. They of course will all be footing the bill.
I say it is time for all of us to come together as one people. Not only does that sound really good as well but I mean it after all, you are all extensions of me anyway so we are just actually one person when you think about it that way so I need to control you all and have you act as one. Got that? Good.
It is time. I pledge to every citizen of my land that I will be leader for all appliances, and this is so important to me. For those who have chosen not to support me in the past, of which there were a few traitors, I will pretend to reach out to you for your guidance and your help so that we can work together and unify my great country. The reality is you are going to be smeared big time, oh yeah. Dirty, dirty, dirty. I am going to start by shutting down CNN, you had your chance and you let me down so now I am going to teach you a lesson and keep in mind all your broadcasters, journalists, broadsheets, bloggers and so on, every time you come into my sphere of influence I will come and pay you a visit and it won’t be to give you an interview, that I can assure you of.
As I’ve said from the beginning, mine was not a campaign but rather an incredible and great movement, made up of millions of hard-working appliances who love me and want the illusion I can offer. I have been myself throughout this campaign and I have showed you exactly what I am although very few of you actually recognised it, but that doesn’t matter because enough of you liked what you saw to back me and enough of you didn’t like The Loser enough so she didn’t get your votes so here I am. As for the rest of you who voted for The Loser, you can come on board, your fuel is just as tasty.
Working together, I will instruct my many minions to begin the urgent task of rebuilding and renewing the illusion. I have spent my entire life doing this, looking at the untapped potential of people for my greater glory.
Tremendous potential for fuel. It’s going to be a beautiful thing. Every single appliance will have the opportunity to realise his or her fullest fuel potential. The forgotten appliances of my country were never actually forgotten but were just receiving an extended silent treatment and it worked. They didn’t like that silent treatment from The Loser and wanted to hear my future faking instead. Looks like you’ve hit the jackpot.
We are going to fix our opponents real good and rebuild the highways, bridges, tunnels, airports, schools, hospitals. We’re going to rebuild our fuel network, which will become second to none and we will put millions of our appliances to work as they refuel me. We will also finally take care of our great veterans who have been so loyal, I more than most know how valuable those Lieutenants are and have been.
My Lieutenants are incredible people. Nearly as incredible as me. I will order a project of fuel growth and renewal. I will harness the creative talents of our people to make me look even better, hard to comprehend I know, but onwards and upwards. You see you backed me because I get things done and that is what my brethren do, we achieve and get things done. Nobody else can hold a crowd in the palm of his hand like me that is one of my gifts and I have the drive and focus to get things done. I don’t mess about, I grab things and get to the heart of the matter, just like grabbing a pussy if you will. If it wasn’t for people like me, nothing would get done, so that’s why I have paraded who I am for all to see and you have bought into it and why not?
At the same time, I will get along with all other nations willing to get along with me, after all I am never to blame, it is all their fault. I expect to have great, great relationships and they always are. In the beginning. No illusion is too big, no golden period too golden. Nothing I want for my future fuel needs is beyond my reach now.
I will no longer settle for anything less than the best. I will reclaim your destiny, because I created it and the illusion will be big and bold and daring. I have to do that. We’re going to dream of the golden period and all its beauty and success once again.
I want to tell the world community that while I will always put my interests first, I will deal fairly with everyone, with everyone so long as they do what I want.
All people and all other nations. We will seek common ground and agree I am right. Any hostility is caused by you over-reacting, I want a partnership, a sole partnership. And now I will thank some of the people who have really been great Lieutenants, loyal members of my coterie and brilliant at rolling out my smear campaigns, thank you dear crows and butterflies. I will reel off a list of names, they all blur into one, but it makes me look so generous and hell I am, am I not giving you all of me to lead you? That is how generous I am. So bear with me while I chunter on about some other people, I know they are not as interesting as me and just indulge me as I appear to care, I can do that you see, appearances, and then we can talk about me again.
[ Cue five minutes of pseudo-thanks]
Vince [it is Vince isn’t it?] is really a star and he is the hardest-working guy after me. Vince, come up here. Get over here, Vince.
Boy, oh boy, oh boy, it’s about time you did exactly what I say. My me. Nah, come here, say something, I order you.
[Man erroneously identified as Vince]
Ladies and gentlemen, the next saviour of mankind, leader of the free world, wealthy business magnate, international television star, owner of luxurious and free-roaming hair, world Space Invaders high score champion. Thank you, it’s been an honour. Bless yourself.
Okay that’s enough of you and back to me.
The Secret Malevolence Society People, boy are we going to have some fun. I have just seen footage of the cry babies and do I want some of that fuel so you can expect some major haranguing, smearing, gas lighting, pushing and pulling ahead so I can taste that delicious fuel from you losers.
And fuel enforcement, they’re here tonight so obey the clap now signs you minions. These enforcement people are spectacular people, sometimes under appreciated but you get used to that being next to me, it is like holding a lit match up to the sun and expecting it to get noticed.
I will do a great job. I can promise you that and even if I don’t I won’t be to blame because it will somebody else’s fault who is jealous and unpleasant, just nasty, very nasty some people. But I will get the job done, my kind always do, that’s why we get the top jobs. I look very much forward to being leader and hopefully at the end of two years or three years or four years or maybe even when I have revised history you will say you gave great fuel for me. You will say that that was something that you were – really were very obliged to do and I can – thank me very much.
And I can only say that while the smear campaign is over, your work on taking down those who disagree and have stupid, stupid ideas is now really just beginning. We’re going to get them.
You will be so proud. It’s your honour.
It’s an amazing evening. It’s been an amazing two year grand hoover and I love me. Thank me. Come on, do it.
Oh and the other guy whose name is under mine but I keep forgetting to mention him. He can thank me too.
[ The above was the transcript of the victory address by the winning candidate in a satirical parallel universe and nothing to do with recent events. Honest. ]