Blind or Stupid?

 

blind-or-stupid

 

We love to triangulate. Three is the magic number. You, me and someone else or something else. Another victim? A competitor? A loyal lieutenant? A fresh prospect? An imaginary individual? A threatened event? An inanimate object? There are so many combinations of triangulation that are available to us and each has their own advantages and rewards for their application for us. In this equation there will always be us, there will always be you and then there will be third party. One of our effective manipulative triangulations involves the “normals”. These are people who are neither empathic or narcissistic but people who are generally decent, sensible and largely kind who may be supporters of yours, they may be members of our façade but whatever they are they are not you and they are not us. These are the people who you turn to when you can no longer stand what is happening to you. When you cannot understand what is going on. When the confusion becomes overwhelming. When you begin to sense something is not quite right. You turn to these normal in the hope of them helping you, understanding your plight and/or offering some insight. This is rarely achieved because you are met with responses which leave you wondering whether the person you have just spoken to is blind or stupid. Here are ten instances of this in action.

  1. I don’t believe it

Victim – “He is horrible to me, he never lets me do anything on my own anymore, he shouts and calls me awful names.”

Normal – “Really? I just can’t see Nigel behaving like that, he is always so lovely and friendly whenever I see him. I cannot believe he would do that.”

  1. Are You Bringing It On Yourself?

V – “I am sick of him controlling me. I try and assert myself, you know, lay down some boundaries, but he is always telling me to shut up and calm down and doing what he wants without any consideration for me.”

N – “Well you have always been feisty my dear, maybe you are provoking him and that’s why he is behaving that way. I don’t mean to be unkind but you do have a bit of temper you know.”

  1. Not This Again

V- “He has done it again. Disappeared. I have been ringing him on the hour every hour and he won’t answer. I don’t know what it is. I mean, everything seemed okay when we got up this morning, he smiled and asked me if I wanted a cup of tea (cue detailed analysis of every word and interaction thereafter)

N – Glazes over, thinks to themselves “Not this again. I am bored of hearing this. They will be talking again by tomorrow. She worries over nothing.”

  1. I Feel Sorry for Him

V – “So he did this, then that, then this again and he always does this you know. He is horrible, Horrible I tell you. I don’t know what to do. Oh he did this as well and some more of that.”

N – Thinks to themselves “I feel sorry for him putting up with someone so neurotic as her. No wonder he clears off for a few days, probably needs the peace and quiet.”

  1. Someone Is Exaggerating

 

V – “No word of a lie, he locked me in the bedroom and threatened to burn the house down with me inside and I heard him laughing as he said this to me. I am so scared of him. He keeps threatening to kill me. He rings me at work and comments about how my brakes are dodgy and laughs and puts the ‘phone down.”

N – Thinks to themselves “Sure he does, nobody goes on like that, I do like my friend but she is something of an attention seeker. Every other day there is one of these stories.”

  1. I Don’t Think So

V – “So he said that if I didn’t do it he would tell everybody in the church that I was sleeping with the vicar and he would post pictures of me on the internet.”

N – “Who Norman? No way, he is such a solid and respectable man. I don’t think he would ever do anything like that. No, I have known him years, he would never do anything like that.”

  1. He Did Say She Was Crazy

V – “He hides my purse so I cannot go out, he tells me what I can and cannot eat, he won’t allow me more than a minute in the shower and stands watching me while I wash. He follows me around the house and keeps staring at me, I can even feel him watching me when I manage to slip out for a while. I know he is following me.”

N- Thinks to themselves “It’s just as Neil predicted. He said she was losing her mind and coming out with all these fantastic stories. He is genuinely worried about her and I can see why now. Poor thing. Poor him too.”

  1. Ups and Downs

V – “He sometimes doesn’t speak to me for days on end. He just sits and sulks and ignores me. It is horrible. I hate it.”

N- “Oh that’s just men for you. They all do that at some point. It’s part of the ups and downs of being in a relationship, just ignore it and get on with your day, he will soon come round, you will see.”

  1. Don’t Involve Me

V- “Hi it’s me, can I come round to see you. I need to talk to someone. He is doing it again. He has spent the last two hours shouting at me and throwing plates around the kitchen. I am sick of this, I cannot cope.”

N – “I’d love to help but I er, have an appointment. Look I have to go; I will call you later” – I’m not getting drawn into their domestic dramas I have my own life to look after.

  1. I Haven’t a Clue

V- (After lengthy description of a catalogue of odd and strange behaviour) “So what do you think, what should I do? I cannot go on like this.”

N- “I don’t know what to say really, I can’t work out why he would be lovely with you one week and then awful the next, it does add up. Perhaps if you sat down together and tried to work things out.” (I haven’t a clue what is going on here.)

Not once does the “normal” turn to you and say,

“You are being abused by a disordered person.”

Or

“You have been ensnared by a narcissist.”

Instead when you describe the behaviour to a “normal” you are met with one or more of the responses detailed above. We know this will be the case. We know it will leave you hurt, bewildered and lacking the help and insight you so desperately need. Why do people respond like this?

  1. Lack of knowledge. Fortunately for our kind few people really know what we are and what we do.
  2. We don’t walk around with a sign around our neck stating “I am an abusive narcissist”. We blend in. People think the psychopaths and sociopaths appear like some crazed axe-murderer. We do not.
  3. People although kind are not empathic like you. Therefore, there is a limit to the time and resource they will apply to assisting you. People are inward looking and care more about their own lives than yours.
  4. The façade. Our charm and magnetism has people believing us to be wonderful and decent people. That façade is hard to shatter.
  5. Your coping abilities are eroded and you are worn out. This makes you appear unhinged, hysterical and thus in keeping with the image that we have spread around that you are The Crazy One.
  6. A Quiet Life. People do not like conflict. They want people to get on and do not want to become involved in other people’s problems.
  7. Behind Closed Doors. People always take the view that there are two sides to every story. They will listen to you but they will think there is likely to be some explanation which means it is not as bad as you are making it out to be. You are provoking the abuser, you are making it up, you are being too sensitive and taking things the wrong way. The “normal” thinks life may be different behind closed doors.
  8. People want other people to get on and therefore in order to try to preserve the peace they will suggest that the behaviour is not as bad as has been suggested and pressure the victim to go home and sort things out, unaware it is not something that can be sorted out by having a chat and a cup of tea.
  9. The tales of abuse and awful treatment seem far-fetched that the “normal” cannot believe them. They have no experience of it and combined with the existence of the façade just cannot see how someone could behave in this way.

All of this results in you trying to persuade people without success which becomes all the more frustrating and distressing for you. Naturally, we know fine well how people will respond to your protestations and the lack of understanding and knowledge about our kind allows us to blend in, move freely around and continue to behave in this manner with impunity. You are left wondering if the listener is blind or stupid. They are not stupid. But they are blinded to what we really are.

Just like you were as well.

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24 thoughts on “Blind or Stupid?”

  1. What if we don’t want to be triangulated and tell you we are happy without you? Does that make you angry to know we are happy?

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  2. What one may find as blind or stupid to me is hope and one I would add to this list. For me, the hope strengthens more when you know that is what you are dealing with, although that process can take a while and it depends on a lot of factors. But there is a hope for learning, hope for working on changing parts of oneself and maybe influencing and being influenced from a different perspective.

    Usually they say love is blind, but I suppose HG would attribute hope to being blind and stupid. Just a different way of seeing the same thing.

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  3. This is so true HG ! And when you’ve worked them out and you’re through the other side and you hear people describing their relationship or observe their interactions. You also desperately want to make them see what / who they are with. And this for me is probably the hardest part to come to terms with. All you can do is be there for them when they’re ready. And as you described in a previous article, this will at least speed up the healing process.

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    1. None are so blind than those who can see and none are so stupid as those that see and selectively turn blind. Good post HG although there are other theories. Those that can see and have the evidence by witnessing a blowout by the narcissist can become selectively stupid.

      Much of what you say is correct for sure, however due to the fact that the reliable source neither an empath or a narcissist (? normal person) may not be intimately involved or have ever been intimately involved they are less likely to (feel) the intensity when it has no permanence in their own lives-eg for this purpose will use the example of sister in law from narc’s side.

      Sister in law knows narc can blow up but sister in law has been roped into believe it has been due to the strain of lost relationships so sister in law has been setup for the triangulation by the narc each time. Sister in law falls victim to the embarrassment of being called upon to triangulate against the narc’s ?victims=ex’s and current partner but the narcissist takes the risk again. The narcissist knows well that (sister in law) is a coward and sister in law is by his own reference, stupid. Sister in law does not have any interest in sleeping with brother in law narcissist and narcissist cannot make a move in that area for brother and entire family would be shell shocked and s in law is by no means attractive in any way, shape or form for the narcissist who likes attractive trophies with the x factor that looks good on him, not the other way around.

      Eventually, the burning of bridges occurs as sister in law is called in by the narcissist to chose a side and do most of what you suggest inn your post but for one slight hiccup- Sister in law does not bank on the tenacity of the narcs partner to pursue the matter until it is the narcs partner that draws the line in the sand where the sister in law is no longer welcome with her lack of courage when she has seen with her own eyes that the narcissist enjoys stirring the pot’, to the point where the sister in law did not want to actually lose the relationship with the ?victim or her family/children but gets cut off by the ?victim hence resulting in her new knowledge that without the narcs ?victim he has no further use for her- checkmate! When family members particularly are used by the narcissist and make the excuses you have presented HG, to further enable the narcissist they lose connection with the narcissist himself as stated but the entire history and future forevermore.

      He leaves his own family members high and dry you see and they realise that they lost much more than himself so although one could say that the victim has been separated from his family, another could say it is the family that have lost the victim and all of the family she had with him! As these are the normal people- who have not been hammered away at on a consistent level they could not have possibly gauged the effects due to lack of close proximity and daily connection to the narc on an intimate level- They have not been conditioned or attempted to be conditioned in such a persistent way so naturally they are willing to excuse a few blowouts of high calibre rage they have witnessed with the excuses and scapegoating from the narcissist toward another.

      The narcissist takes risks, you know that but it can mean the loss of those he thought would always have his back and as they become further distanced one could assume that they are indeed feeling the same betrayal that that the narcissist victim felt when they were desperate for understanding. Does the narcissist care about the loss of his secondary sources (his roots=family/history) most likely not at all but by gosh he looses something much more valuable, their influence over causing pain by their own being that was manipulated for the ?victim/empath and any future targets.

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  4. Yes, his is what makes those with these qualities so dangerous. Many of us were and are still blind, including those of us that are tasked with helping others professionally. Thank you, HG, for attempting to take of the blinders for those select that have found your blog. After that, it is then when the individual is ready to “see” and “act”.

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  5. A classic and a favorite HG.
    This is the one we should all be making stacks of copies of and be handing out at street corners to every passer by I swear… having had those red shoes on for soooo long, this exact scenario was very hard to the extreme to go through, but all part of the necessary unfortunately to get to where I am now. “lest we forget”…is not just the national theme for everyone here today.

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  6. Oh HG I am bloody stupid!!

    I’ve been played and on every level!

    This is by a greater I think? If not an N certainly a master manipulator.

    I can’t explain the circumstances as it would be too identifying.

    I feel so stupid because I even recognised the red flags but as some red flags weren’t apparent. I ignored the others and the subtlty of his manipulations were truly amazing. I have to give him credit for this.

    Makes me realise my Mn was no way a greater.

    The only thing that makes me question is he an N. Was he did have a normal ‘startle response’. So when I accidentally dropped something on the floor, at a point in time when silence was required, he did jump.

    I’m interested to know what your thoughts are on this. Would an N have a startle response?

    The worst thing about this whole situation was I even knew I was being played but could not stop the game due to the multitude of circumstances. I still had fun and made money so all is not lost but I also feel that I failed to act despite having the knowledge. Wow how stupid is that?

    Right. Alexis still needs to be here, clearly!!

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    1. Interesting Alexis, the startle response, the lack thereof, is only indicative and not determinative and one must look at other factors in the round. If you want to e-mail me to discuss further please do so, but the important thing to take away is that you at least recognise what has happened soon after the event and the continuing need for understanding and vigilance.

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      1. I may well email you HG. For some advice re playing things. I think it cou reach a point where I really need your specialist advice.

        This will still need to progress somewhat so ill wait for that to ensure I target my questions precisely.

        Agh god damn it!!! At least there were no emotion involved but it was text book stuff ( everything you’ve taught me) the subtlety of it confused me. I knew it still but couldn’t stop and still had doubts. Bloody hell.

        Right I will still have to play this out in a manner which doesn’t arouse suspicion.

        There is no winning for me in this one. Just self preservation.

        I’ll be in touch 🙂

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  7. And as part of all this (not he but another ) a post / book on how indirect questioning can trip you up!!

    Hahhaa oh wow. I’m not cut out for this.

    I can play the mids and lessers with ease.

    But now I have to step it up !!

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    1. Goodness HG, it’s lucky a girl is not hanging on you………..I’ve sorted all of it, everything !!! Winning again. took me a little while to figure it out, how to turn this around. Then I just thought, what would HG advise me to do….

      So I don’t need you anymore.

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      1. I’m only slightly intrigued HG so don’t let it go to you head.

        And you know I’m unique HG. You have to be honest with yourself on this one. You know you’ve not come across anyone like me before. I might just be the one.

        A narc on the other hand………..ten to the penny x

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