Flush Him Out – Part One
You never see us coming. You do not know what we are when we ensnare you. You have no idea what is actually happening when we push and pull you through the bewildering experience that is devaluation. You make no sense of what has happened when you have been discarded in the dust, hurt and dazed. When we return, riding back into your lives like the triumphant king we regard ourselves as, you still do not know us for what we are. How many times have you rued the fact that if only you had known earlier? How often have you remarked at how obvious it now seems with hindsight, when the eventual moment of revelation arrives, long-delayed and overdue as it often is. How frequently have you bemoaned to friends and family that if only you have seen the signs you might have done something to avoid what had entangled with you. Wishful thinking indeed and such thoughts go on to pollute your future engagements with those prospective intimate partners. At some future point you may eventually dip a toe in the pool of intimacy again in the hope of finding someone who is as far-removed from us as possible, but what if one of our kind comes a calling? You know you identified the tell-tale indicators with the one of our kind who ensnared you, but what is Lucifer comes in many guises? Would you have the craft and skill set to out one of our if he locked on to you? Would your empathic traits override the caution? Would the old adage of lightning never strikes twice play through your mind even though it strikes several times when it comes to our kind? At the outset of your engagement with that interesting and exciting person, there are of course the many Red Flags which exist and about which I have written in greater detail. You ought to acquaint yourself with them, since not all of our kind will always exhibit certain indicators. Neither does it do any harm to avail yourself of additional ones should you find yourself becoming the attention of the Greater of our kind, if hitherto you had been involved with a Lesser of Mid-Range. Utilise these five early door tactics to expose whether you are at risk of being ensnared.
- Create jealousy
Make reference to an actor or celebrity and comment about how he or she is talented and handsome. Consider admitting you have a crush on this person and if they walked in now you would be smitten and so forth. Observe the reaction.
A Lesser will struggle even during the seduction to contain the effect of his criticism and will lash out with a comment such as,
“Him? He is a homosexual, yes, well known in the industry, of course his fan base cannot know.”
“Him? Had a lot of work done you know.”
“Him? Really? He is nothing to look at. You’ve got off taste if you like him.”
A Mid-Range will fall silent and then move the topic on to something else. He has the situation just about under control but remains wounded, hence the withdrawal through a brief silence and then going to a different topic.
The Greater. Watch for the very brief flicker of fury in the eyes. A narrowing of the gaze or slight sneer before the control is exerted. The Greater will smile (but there will no warmth) or there will be a hollow laugh before he will say,
“Not a patch on me though eh?”
“I could have been an actor you know.”
A normal person would respond with: –
“Yes, he is a handsome chap, I agree.”
“Do you think so? I’m not so sure, but I can understand why you might say that.”
- Place Your Attention Elsewhere
Either fiddle with your ‘phone repeatedly or keep smiling at the waiter and chatting to him when he serves you. It need not be excessive as even a fairly minimum distraction in this way will irk our kind. Whatever situation you are in, find a way to put your attention on someone or something else.
The Lesser will put down the third party at the earliest opportunity by suggesting service was slow, the seats are unsatisfactory or will grab the phone from you and put it to one side. He will not be able to contain the ignition of his fury at such an early juncture.
The Mid-Range will try to compete by talking to a different waitress or by using his own ‘phone, doing his best to conceal the wound you have created by effectively ignoring him.
The Greater will start talking loudly about himself so you are forced to return attention to him. Boasts and outlandish comments will be made along with denigrating the offending person/item.
“It must be hell waiting on for a living, I am delighted I am able to have so much control over my work.”
“You know those ‘phones have been setting on fire. Yes, a manufacturing error. Clearly an inferior make. Now, take my ‘phone for instance.”
The normal person would politely ask you to stop using your ‘phone as much or would not smile pleasantly at your interaction with other people as noting it as just being friendly.
- Get the Details
We will make various boasts about what we do, who we know and what we like and the latter will be frequent as we endeavour to mirror you. In such a situation where we have ascertained what you like through our prior targeting of you, do not, as so many people do, accept it at face value as being true and accurate but instead politely press for some more details. If we explain that we engage in fencing because you do, mention some of the relevant equipment and terminology to draw us into providing more detail.
The Lesser will fudge it, lacking the preparatory depth to know anything much beyond what you like. He will backtrack saying it was some time since he had done it or such like. He will become agitated as his fury starts to ignite because your challenge, notwithstanding its politeness, will amount to a criticism.
The Mid-Range will change subject and ask you to talk more about it. Reject this and invite his comment. He will withdraw as he keeps control and moves on to a different topic or makes an excuse to go to the toilet or to point out something else happening.
The Greater will be harder to trap in this respect because he or she will have undertaken a greater depth of preparatory work and also their higher function enables them to think on their feet more readily, but a continued gentle cross-examination will expose some deficiency eventually. Once this nears the Greater will apply greater charm towards you in order to deflect you from probing too deeply. Expect a string of compliments, a flourishing gesture (“how about some champagne?”) or praising your evident knowledge of the subject before moving on to something else.
The normal will talk easily and extensively about this interest without bragging or evasiveness because it is true.
- Ask about the Ex
It may appear a little forward but this is a useful indicator to determine who you are with.
The Lesser will be unpleasant about her because the memory of this treacherous person annoys him and therefore you will be subjected to a volley of explanations about how terrible she is.
The Mid-Range will be dismissive about the request. He knows that if pressed he will not be able to help himself and pour out how horrible she has been to him, how crazy she is and how he is trying to put himself back together again after a horrendous experience. He knows enough that this is not the ideal topic of conversation at this juncture but so long as he can maintain control, he need not spill the beans. He will comment that there is not much to say and change the focus. Bring him back to the focus and observe what happens.
The Greater will be complimentary since he or she knows that to portray the ex in such a light at this early stage of the seduction is a sensible move. This will of course change in due course once there is triangulation and you are embedded, but prior to this he wants you to recognise he is a “good” person and that it didn’t work out and will provide some woolly and amorphous reason why that is. The Greater will not be able to help himself comment that she couldn’t cope with his brilliance in some way and then use it to compliment you.
“We got on but she ultimately wasn’t as clever as me, not like you, you and I are exactly on the same intellectual wavelength, it is marvellous.”
“She wasn’t a bad person but she struggled with how hard I work. I know you are not like that because I can tell you are diligent and admire hard work.”
The normal will provide a brief and honest explanation, often admitting to failings on his part as well or explaining that he and her remain on friendly terms. There will be little bitterness or rancour even if the relationship was difficult, this person will have moved on.
- Ask About Our Childhood
We often do not like to discuss it or certainly certain elements of it. Much of it will be patchy and disjointed to us. References to other family members will be limited unless pushed and they will not be spoken about in warm or fond terms
The Lesser will make sweeping comments about how it wasn’t happy but fail to provide any detail or say it was nothing special. He will not divulge any memories of it as he struggles to do so.
The Mid-Range will be dismissive and want to talk about your childhood instead. Anything he does say will be anodyne in nature as he prefers not to revisit it.
The Greater will talk about his childhood but it will all be boasts about what he achieved, how many friends he had, how good he was football, the fact he was top of the class and so forth.
The normal will recount a handful of anecdotes, speak well of his family, link the fact that his childhood means he sees a lot of his family now or if he does not, because of death or distance, the fact he misses them.
29 thoughts on “Flush Him Out – Part One”
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HG.. I read the book. So, thus far my conclusion would have to be that he is a mid range elite. He is definitely not a lesser. He is his own boss and has a source of income. Hes not lazy and does not have a poor body image. He does play victim and tell me how all his ex’s were horrible and his parents were horrible. However they all play victim. Hes very intelligent. Has a very good vocabulary. However, he never boasts about academic achievements. He’s 50 , but for his age has a good body. He’s not obsessed w his looks. He don’t go to the gym or diet. He actually jokes and says I’m his only exercise routine. He enjoys sex and not to just admire his works. He always makes sure I’m taken care of first. he does get rough in bed but because I want him too and still not as rough as I want. He’s said a few mean things to me but never called me any names. Hes never been really down right horribly mean, at least not yet. Actually, when I read your posts you remind me so much of him. Especially when you say indeed.. thats his word. You’re comforting to me.
Ok. Just downloaded it. I’ll read it and get back to you.
Good stuff.
Is it a book or on the blog?
It is a book Angel, available as paperback and e-book.
I’m not exactly sure that I have
I would recommend that you determine that as if you have not it will assist you in making some determinations and I will be happy to provide further clarification thereafter.
HG, what other info would you need to determine what kind he is? I really wanna know what im dealing with. I do know that when we were last intimate together , yesterday. He knows I have one big weakness it like paralysed me. I said that’s not fair. He said you’re mine, I can do whatever I want. Help me figure it out.
By all means Angel. First question though is have you read Sitting Target?
So can I ask HG….in your opinion, is it always a bad idea to inform a Narc that you give zero fucks about them and they’re wasting their time in the attempt to ‘hoover’ you back in? I couldn’t care less about him now and have come to feel pity for him, in that he has a medical condition, but I also understand I don’t have the skills to help him. Should I tell him that or is it better to simply not reply (he’s blocked on social media etc. But can email or send text messages) I’d like to act in a way that will stop him contacting me in the quickest way, I don’t really want to hurt his feeling but I will do so if that ensures he will not come back, thank you 😊
Not necessarily Em. If you tell the narcissist, in a fuel-free manner, that he means nothing to you and is wasting his time, you not only do not give fuel but you also wound him. This means that, unless he is a Greater, he will think twice before trying to hoover you again. If you just ignore him, this is effective but he will still think there is a prospect of getting fuel. Make it clear in a fuel free manner and wound him, you will raise the hoover bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria.
I too often question whether mine is Mid-Range or Greater. I see both qualities. Which I believe you had mentioned one may overlap? Correct HG? Is there something so significant that would separate the two if you have known them for quite some time now?
Hello Smoke, it may be you have an Upper Mid-Ranger or a Lower Greater. When you say you see both qualities, how does that manifest?
HG. I’m not sure. I think I figure it out then I’m not sure. My friend thinks he’s a greater. When I first started seeing him he’d tell me stories about how every ex he had was crazy, or a bitch or was abusive to him, or stupid. He told me horrible stories of abuse from his mom as a child. So I think he plays victim. He’s big on using the silent treatment when I don’t go see him. Sometimes I have to wait for sex. He’s never been physically abusive. He’s said mean things to me only a few times. Like he knows my childhood wasn’t great and I had issues w my dad. He made a reference to my dad once. I had said something to him he told me I was mouthy. I’m like what u can’t handle me when I’m mouthy. He said to think about my dad before I say anything. That was a deep dig for me. I’m nothing like my dad.
Hello Angel,
1. The stories about the exes is standard smearing and would be undertaken by all schools of narcissist.
2. The stories about abuse may be true or may be just invented in order to draw sympathy from you. All victims again play the victim card, but this description does not mark him out as a Victim Narcissist.
3. The silent treatment is the hall mark of a Mid-Ranger and especially so if he is using it a lot as you describe.
4. The lack of physical abuse moves him away from being a Lesser.
5. The lack of verbal abuse moves him more to being a Mid-Ranger (Lessers are Greaters a remote vernally abusive – Lessers name call a lot, “You are a fucking whore” whereas the Greater will combine it with a weakness – “You are just a skinny slut who looks like a crack whore.” if the Greater knows the victim has an issue re looks and/or weight. The one-off example you gave re your dad is a greater comment but since it was a one-off it is not determinative.
He is unlikely to be a Lesser and may be a Mid-Range or a Greater but more information would be needed to provide a further view.
Does a mid ranger or upper mid ranger know what he is? And why he is behaving the way he does? Even if he will never admit it 😂
No Em he does not.
Truly insightful!
My ex is a Mid-Range who played the victim.
His wife and ex wife were both crazy, controlling, manipulative liars.
Looking back it should have been a red flag but since my ex-husband has the same defects, I never questioned it.
This is what I find most impressive of the Greater. The way their minds work. Facinating and yours HG, awe inspiring and magnificent.
Excelente text.
Apart from the thorough description of each of your kind which you can categorize in detail, pointing even the smallest differences between them, it is an amazing example of how your mind works and perceives the world separating everything and placing them exactly where they belong. The whole text is simply a described flowchart.
If you aprove this comment and publish it, you will of course reply “Thank you” because mine is exact reaction you expected to get when you wrote. What I am writing is just a statement of the obvious.
Indeed Ana because one must be systematic and effective, like a machine, in order to succeed. Thank you for your comment.
I knew his family to be a horrible bunch from his explanation and my personal experiences! He speaks of them now as though they were perfect in every way!
Armed.
and dangerous
This checklist is amazing. I have saved it away. Yet I cannot utilize it. If I have agreed to go on a date, the narc has already won half the battle. I have an instinctual need to feed your ego. I could never do #1-3 because it would hurt you and it would be rude of me. Why go out with you if I’m going to be a ballbreaker (excuse my language)? And I would take #4 and 5 at face value. I immediately become your empathizer and cheerleader. Of course the wounds are too raw to talk about your ex. It must have been all her fault, because all you need is love and nurturing. As for your childhood, you are a fine specimen, so naturally you grew up excelling at everything you did. Please tell me all about it.
I guess I’m far from ready to go on dates.
I once had a conversation with my ex where she stated categorically that no one was better than anyone else. I pushed her on this theory and eventually asked her “Is Mother Theresa or Einstein better than anyone else?”. “Absolutely not” was the reply. Any commenting on a beautiful actress on TV would get me a blasting – “how could you be so insensitive?”. Still, she regularly ranted about how the people around us were inferior and horrible, especially people she was supposedly friends with. Suffice to say, she was no Mother Theresa. I’m putting her in your lesser category.
I’m having a hard time figuring out what kind of narc he is.
Where has your mind led you to so far Angel?
Well I don’t know how I will ever be able to meet anyone new and not have you in my head HG.
I think you are everywhere now and I am not receptive to anyone making conversation with me.
I will have my checklist ready. No admittance to my life until they pass.
Great advice.