32 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 27”

  1. Something else you taught me.
    I thought it was just a sexual preference that she had. I knew I was a submissive but I didn’t know that the control was only for her gain and had nothing to do with me.
    I trusted her completely and told her things that I told no one else. I gave her everything.
    Every sound and move I made only gave her exactly what she wanted.
    I had no idea. I thought it was it was intense and passionate and something very different.
    She bragged about her sexual abilities to everyone and I should have run because that I knew wasn’t normal. When I found out that she got her girlfriend to leave her husband for her I should have run. She had a pattern but I just didn’t see that I was next.
    She excelled in so many ways in this arena.
    No wonder you have a follow up book coming out. I could write all night about the ways she used sex to control and manipulate me.

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  2. Twaddle: Why would a narcissist care anyway? They are too much into with-holding just as any common abuser in the hopes that what: The empath will feel rejected and further need them 🙂 Think again, there are always other perspectives and the narcissist has the abc’s on additional supply or potential targets so when they drive themselves up the wall once the empath ceases responding to their game, it is actually the narcissist again that seems confused at the rejection they so well deliver to control. Self-sabotaging is what the narcissist endlessly does to themselves. They say that you cannot make strawberry jam out of horse manure and they are right! What the narcissist does by taking something great and poisoning it is exactly what it becomes: poison.

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    1. Hi PurpleRibbon. I cannot speak for other empaths but sex in my opinion is the deepest way I connect. If its within a relationship, its as intimate as I can get with my partner. This is the main way I show my love and adoration. If a narc withholds sex, he is hurting me in multiple ways.
      1. He’s taken away my only form of connection with him
      2. He is muting my display of love
      3. He is wedging space between us
      4. He’s telling me I’m not good enough

      Its the cruelest form of punishment for me and I will do anything to make him stop.

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      1. Lol yes you do! Luckily, the punishment wouldn’t last too long because I would cry and scream, and have a full on tantrum if necessary.

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      2. aHi Love-I connect with what you express and as the narcissist withholds probably the most intimate and extremely pleasant connection he risks and gambles with our minds not particularly our body.
        I am not sure about anyone else’s feelings on this tactic but it is right up there with every other betrayal or shock tactic and it is manufactured o get a reaction, to distress and to invalidate.

        During reflection you will see that this was the greater extension of himself in you and though he may never admit it, particularly a greater narcissistic it is more a projection of the times that he cannot address during childhood where he felt a disassociation or connection within his environment usually by one or both caregivers.
        A golden child feels entitled through parenting that is not ideal in the same respect that a child feels neglect or confusion where one parent is quite rigid, logical but insensitive to emotion and the other parent over compensating when parent a is out of sight, or home. In this the child learns to triangulate and from that comes ease with triangulation. Eg: Parent A is rigid, authoritarian, both parent a & b conceal their inner world quite well but manicure their lawns and prune their hedges to show they must be ideal people on the inside as look how meticulous they keep their garden. Parent b may or may not be as rigid

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      3. cont…but may treat the child as the golden child and the child as an extension of themselves, use the child against other siblings etc their are many different forms of abuse that are widely accepted and due to the insidious nature the child may have needed much more than the parent could give emotionally so they grow up with a distorted sense of self and mimic what has been done to them without even recognising the link between the two. Let’s say father comes home and child that is given preferential treatment by mother by day is suddenly placed on the back burner. We may say that the child longs for the connection he has during the day but all of that ceases when his father comes home. Confusion, longing, insecurity and having to condition himself to the clean cold ruthless act of separation such a contrast from the hours during the day. The child learns to self-comfort and the addiction is already being set in place, the craving for supply. Negative supply usually will not suffice in this situation because father may exhibit traits of bluntness, toughness or coldness. The child has no choice but to self-sooth and self-love in the absence and most abrupt rollercoaster. He is conditioned then to be one thing by day and one thing in the early evening and through the night. He may have seen that very much as a punishment and so learns to do same as is being set up to mimic and recreate himself so at some point the mimicking and the attempts that fall on deaf ears to receive that balanced love from his parents leads him to make damned sure that he won’t have to feel like that again as he further develops and sharpens his skills to avoid that occurring. The behaviours escalate vertically, not horizontally and the perceptions are a direct reflection if you will into the tower of more is better and less is painful. There are so many different and complex rationales it is bewildering for us so imagine how split a child can become at a crucial stage of human development.

        I agree with what you have written but you cannot make them stop, you must stop releasing any fuel and cry behind closed doors if you must but do not accept his advances to use your sexuality in a way that picks you up and only to then discard and that is what they do when getting desperate for more fuel. We are dealing with addicts. Enough, is never enough. They will manufacture ways to obtain greater sources of fuel via manipulating any way they can to get the high of all highs, then again there is no limit to the high of all highs, it I the only thing that is omnipotent about them- an insatiable lust for fuel that never can nor will fill their void.

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      4. Hi Love, what if the Narcissist still does not give it up (for the obvious reason of fuel and control) ? What would you do at that point?

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  3. Looking back, this is another area where he didn’t control. It fruatrated the fk out of him (no pun intended). To make note, I am not a prude…many things excite me but I have a line. He admitted I was a challenge and threatened to go elsewhere. I told him to bring back clean test results.

    He wouldn’t try the withhold thing bc it wouldn’t work.

    Now I know that I was just a challenge.

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  4. In a way, it’s two methods of control. He’ll play this game where he will make me wait. He told me once he’d never say no, wrong. He will. Longest I’ve had to wait is 2 weeks and it drives me absolutely insane. He’s all I can think about. Him touching me is all I can think about. I would do anything and everything he wanted just for him to let me have what I so desperately crave. When he touches me it’s like fire in my soul. However another way of it being control is because he takes control while we have sex. They like control. However, I love it when he takes control. I like when he bosses me around. I just wish he’d take a little more control then he would. He will say stop that and do what I told you to do. LOVE!!!! But I’m trying to figure out how to tell him to be more bossy without sounding bossy myself and not make him think he’s not good enough lol. This sucks because today it’s been a week and I need him soooo bad.

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    1. U dont need him. U need to learn to love urself first. Take him out of pedestal in ur head and u will see that sex is not THAT good. Good but not THAT what u think u feel from sex with him, with a defective person

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  5. My narc gives me fantastic sex. He’s never really withheld it, though. I don’t do ‘make up’ sex so whenever we get in a big fight he knows to not even try for a few days. About 10 years ago he started calling me ‘fat’ during arguments (I had gained 10 lbs or so), I let him have sex with me after that but just laid there and I made sure to flinch when his hands got anywhere near my stomach or sides. After a few days he asked what was wrong and I told him because he called me fat I felt very uncomfortable with him touching me and I couldn’t enjoy sex anymore (not really true but I wasn’t gonna lose this argument, lol). He’s called me a lot of things in the 10 years after that but he’s never, ever called me fat again.

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  6. sex…. well… If it’s silent treatment I can well play myself 😉

    other than that … deep painful secret …
    but it is sure thatbsex goes with love… or relationship …there is NO OTHER WAY for me….

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  7. ps. You like me eyes and the fuel pouring out from then… You would not blindfold me …;) shame cause it would be exciting

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  8. Would love the blindfold.

    This is the one area that I hold nothing back.
    To be able to show all that I feel, is the most freeing and bonding experence for me.
    And its the one thing that has been used to bring the most damage.

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  9. HG, could it be that a mid-ranger who is not self aware simply desires sex at the beginning but then due to our ‘treachery,’ falls out of love and then doesn’t desire it any longer? My narc is not malignanat and i can’t think of another reason he would lose interest from time to time. He did tell me that closeness gives him anxiety though. Alternatively, could it simply be out of fear?

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    1. Hi PTSD, no he desires your fuel and the sex is just a conduit to gain it. Is it the case that he does not desire it or could it be that he is withholding it from you as part of your devaluation?

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  10. I’ve been waiting patiently for your comments on sex HG.

    There is no more amazing lover than my N. I would bet my life on this. I was in a sexless marriage. He said he was too. We agreed we would never withhold. Sex for the first 6 months was mind blowing. Long. Exciting. Passionate. Intimate. Better than any movie.

    But the last time we were together, he broke from our usual routine (dinner + sex) and said he had to work. When I found out he didn’t have the job he claimed to have, I couldn’t figure out why he wouldn’t have been intimate with me. Except to withhold. It hurt like crazy.

    Why? Why would a man with a high libido withhold sex from a beautiful woman who supposedly turns him on?

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  11. Do you enjoy the sex? In the moment?

    N withheld from me at the end. Just once. But that was enough. I’m trying to figure out why a man with a high libido would withhold his (our) incredible intimacy with a beautiful woman who met all his sexual needs.

    It makes no sense to me.

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    1. Yes I enjoy the physical sensations that arise from it although the fuel is more important to me.

      It won’t make sense to you, but the simple reason is that it is done for Fuel SA, Sex and the Narcissist sets this out in more detail.

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      1. Oh my indeed. Best book ever. so clarifies the subject of sex and fuel. make sure You read it while alone 😉

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