It hurts doesn’t it, when you see we have moved on with indecent haste and entered a new relationship. In the fullness of time you may look back and be thankful that we had turned to someone other than you, but at the moment of knowing that we are with somebody else so soon after discarding you (and even when you escape us it still stings – did you not matter at all?) it hurts you. Of course it does. You invested so much in the concept of us and then we did our level best to warp, batter, twist, burn and destroy what was built. Notwithstanding what has happened, it remains the case that you look on with a mixture of pain and astonishment at how soon we have managed to find somebody else and more to the point, how readily we flaunt this state of affairs through our repeated updates and relationship bulletins.

You should not be surprised at this development however once you begin to understand how we operate. Where you have been discarded, your replacement was already lined-up. We were spending time with your replacement, commencing the triangulation, sowing the seeds of your (invented) psychotic behaviour to them and seducing them ready to switch from you to them as easily as flicking a switch. To us this transition is normal and necessary. To you it offends your sense of honesty and decency. If you managed to escape us before we had found or embedded the replacement primary source you force us to locate and/or embed with urgency. We have been denied our primary source of fuel and need to put in place a new one straight away. The choice may not be perfect (hence why you may be wondering why on earth we are with that person) but be with someone we must and of course we want you to know. There is fuel to still be had from you and misery to unleash against you.

Yet, what is the situation should the shoe be on the other foot? How do we react when we become aware that you have chosen another intimate partner? What is our response?

Often this does not happen for some time. The reasons for this are manifold.

  1. You still want us. The addiction that we have placed inside of you means that irrespective of the abuse and the devaluation, you still want us back. This may be to try and correct what went wrong, it may be because you want the golden period again and/or it is because you have so many unanswered questions.
  2. You do not want anybody else. The impact of our abuse is so great that you can barely get through a day never mind contemplate interacting with another person on an intimate level.
  3. You are concerned that you may be ensnared again and even when you receive well-intentioned approaches from potential suitors, you reject them because you are too uncertain as to their motives. Thus you reject people and would rather not take the chance of being ensnared again.
  4. You wish to focus on yourself and your recovery and do not regard the commencement of a further relationship on an intimate level as conducive to achieving that aim.
  5. You are left feeling that you could not attract anybody else even if you wanted to. Your self-esteem and self-confidence have been shattered and the abuse has taken its toll on your assets and resources leaving you feeling that you are an unappealing prospect to a prospective suitor.
  6. The prospect of a romantic intimate relationship remains far too painful after the experience of being in one with our kind and therefore you decide against raking over old wounds.

We understand that there are these several reasons why you are unlikely to find someone after the Formal Relationship with us has ended. This is part of the reason why we are encouraged to keep coming back and hoovering you because there is unlikely to be somebody else involved who proves an obstacle to us doling out a Benign Follow-Up Hoover and drawing you back into our clutches.

However, it does happen. Some of you take a considerable time before moving on to another relationship for the reasons explained above. Others may move with more speed, not always for the right reasons but that is not what is to be examined here. Indeed, some of you are captured by a different member of our kind, falling victim to the apparent concern and charm exhibited by this white knight when you are still blind to what you entangled with the first time around. How do we feel when we see that you are with somebody else?

The immediate reaction is one of the ignition of fury. You belong to us. Under the terms of the Narcissistic Relationship you belong to us forever and therefore you are not permitted to enter into an intimate relationship with somebody else. That is an implied term of that contractual situation. By choosing somebody else you are telling us that we are not good enough. How dare you commit such a treacherous act? It does not matter that we got rid of you. It does not matter that we were horrible in our treatment of you and nobody (save us) could blame you for getting away from us. The fact is we expect your total loyalty forever. Your choice of someone else as an intimate partner (and this has equal applicability if you choose one parent over another, a sibling over another, or a friend over a narcissistic friend) is a huge affront to us and wounds us considerably. With this fury ignited we will seek fuel, both from our existing primary source and supplementary sources if need be, but we also want to draw this fuel from you and/or your intimate partner. We want to derail what you have got. You are not allowed to be loved by anybody but us. Nobody can make you truly happy, other than us. You will not be treated in the way you deserve to be treated by anybody but us. You are our possession and nobody else is allowed near you. With fury ignited and fuel being gathered to heal the wound caused by this criticism, what is our further response?

  1. You will be smeared to third parties. We will roll out a further smear campaign suggesting you were seeing this person behind our back (even though you may never have even known them when we were together or that it has been three years since you and I were in the Formal Relationship). We tell family, friends and all we can about how treacherous and unfaithful you have been. This gains us fuel and also has the potential to influence how those people treat you, allowing our power to be extended through them.
  2. You will be smeared to your new intimate partner. The lies will flow thick and fast as we look to frighten them off.

“Just thought I should let you know mate she is a gold digger.”

“You won’t know this but he has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can.”

“I hope you are using condoms pal after the amount of men that slut has had.”

“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac.”

“She won’t be faithful to you, you know. She is a user. Did it to me. She will do it to you.”

“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? Yes, you are nodding. She said the very thing to me about the chap she was seeing before me. She is dangerous. I ended up being hospitalised after the way she treated me. No need to thank me, thought you needed to know.”

“Good luck with that one pal, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”

  1. Your new partner will be smeared to you, by us.

“Just thought I should let you know he is a gold digger. I found out that he hasn’t a pot to piss in. I don’t want to think of him taking your money.”

“You won’t know this but she has a serious drink problem. Get out while you can. My friend is a doctor and has seen him being treated for excessive drinking. Just thought you should know.”

“I hope you are making him use condoms after the number of women that manwhore has had.”

“You need to sleep with one eye open, he is a maniac. My mate is a policeman. List of convictions as long as your arm. Of course if you ask him he will deny it, but you know me, I am just looking out for you. I always have done.”

“He won’t be faithful to you, you know. He is a user. Did it to his wife. He will do it to you. How do I know? Friend of a friend.”

“She is a born liar. I bet she told you I am a nutcase didn’t she? She doesn’t even know me and she is saying things about me. Imagine what she will start saying about you? It is only a matter of time.”

“Good luck with that one, you will need it. What do I mean. Blimey, where do I start?”

  1. Expect Benign Follow-Up Hoovers as we assert how much we miss you, how much we want you back, how we are better than this person. If we are content with our primary source this may still be done not to bring you back to us but just to ruin your relationship so you leave that person expecting to come back to us and then we turn our backs on you. All that matters is the fuel from our still functioning new primary source, from your distraught reaction to our behaviour and the knowledge we have messed up your relationship.
  2. Intimidation and malign hoovering in order to cause your new intimate partner to think that it is just not worth the hassle so they end up leaving you. “I do like you, but it is your ex, he scares me and I cannot have him causing problems for me at work, I am sorry, but I have to end things.”

We want to derail your new relationship. We want to control you. We do not want to see you exerting control over your life by choosing to be with someone else. We cannot bear to see you happy knowing that somebody else is causing this. We have to control you and all around us and this extends to affecting your new relationship. We will always look to drive a wedge between you and your new intimate partner, whether through appearing to do the right thing (warning you about this person or asserting we still love you) or by doing a bad thing (making it too much aggravation for both of you to remain together) so that we gain fuel from your reaction and his/her response to this interference and in so doing we exert our power and control, content in the knowledge that you are our possession once again. We must derail your happiness in a new relationship.

34 thoughts on “Derailed

  1. ANK says:

    He was married and during the golden period he often told me he could not give me more, i.e. not spend more time with me, leave his wife for me. Why was that?

    Also when he knew I was meeting a man that I considered a friend, although said friend wanted to marry me, he told me I should go for it with him – was that because I had told him that I did not see the friend in that way and he therefore knew he would not lose his source?

    Yes he started to spend time with my replacement, and commencing the triangulation, but with regard to sowing the seeds of any psychotic behaviour to them, this must relate to his wife, because I am certain that his new source is unaware of my existence, but maybe when talks to her about his wife he also mentions things that are really about me?

    What a mind F&*k all this is!

  2. DFA says:

    How long would it take so long as no response is given for one to give up so to say? Or in my case the thought of the child would this keep him trying to contact at various times?
    I want to send an email with the details,I just can’t see this as a good idea.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It depends on various factors so it is difficult to link it to a time period. I would not send the e-mail.

      1. DFA says:

        Thank you HG, how are you today?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          On fire (figuratively not literally)

          1. DFA says:

            Lol awesome!
            Imergery thou, hmmm fire. You have never been on the reciving end of your voice now to which gives that a different look. The things you make happen.

  3. Jane Hall says:

    I fell in love with another man. Yep. True. But morally, I thought it was wrong to actually do anything about my feelings….but, it gave me FUEL to LEAVE my H. That was 4 years ago. I haven’t seen that man since then. Its impossible.

    Its death till we part for me and H.

    Either him or me.

    That is the Gods honest truth.

    I haven’t the strength to do anything and he is ok. Mostly OK.

    Compared to how he was he is a SAINT.

    He told me recently…..”I wouldn’t have let you go..” Because he loves me. Because he needs me. Because I feel morally obliged.
    Because he obviously feels like I am His.

    And I always ask him “why were you so horrible to me for 22 years”? and he says “I wasn’t always like that”. And he then says we should forget about the past. Move on. That is what I am trying to do.

    Any advice HG would be appreciated.

  4. CB says:

    “We want to derail your new relationship. We want to control you. We do not want to see you exerting control over your life by choosing to be with someone else. ”

    They do this a lot with Facebook, which is their favourite medium. He discarded me five months ago. Yet this does not at all show on facebook. He is always on my timeline commenting some post with a blinking or smiling smiley. (Even though i never visit his profile at all)
    I think they make sure to really never leave any of ‘their girls’ facebookwise. It is a hoarding medium.
    Checking up on all my male friends.

    + he probably wants the new supply (she is an old friend of mine) to see him on my page.

  5. Not So Sad says:

    As always . Thanks for replying HG .

    I’m going to come back to you on this though because there are more questions to be asked I think .

    P.s . A narc with a great sense of humour . Not good . 🙂

  6. Not So Sad says:

    And sphere six HG ? what happens then though ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That would not be applicable because if you popped up in my mind, there is no criticism because you are not doing anything to me.

      Thus if you are stood next to me and criticise me and I am unable to withdraw this is the most problematic.
      If a friend conveys our criticism, I can lash out at the friend or withdraw more readily.
      If you telephone me and criticise, I end the call and do not answer you ringing again – similar with text messages.

      1. Frieda says:

        This is the person exactly. Somehow they have claimed your “territory”, even though you are generally a normal self confident person. You have been good to them, but somehow they made you feel you are really messed up.

        I had a recent social encounter with my narcissistic ex. I have to say, he would have sweat bullets if I had been confrontational. I was courteous and gracious because I thought he might be very happy to see me and respond in a positive manner. What was I thinking?!
        He was courteous because we were in a public place. Just courteous. I guess he knew I had an arsenal of dirt I might throw at him if he that would truly humiliate and embarrass him if he was anything but courteous to me. (That was not my plan – I was not there to make a scene,)
        Nothing will really wound a person like that more than humiliating them in public. They are very concerned about their image.
        I did not have the mindset to do this with my ex. I thought maybe he would just try to make nice. His goal s need to be as aloof as possible without being socially embarrassed. Possibly after I walked away he just couldn’t care less or maybe told his friends that I was crazy.

        It doesn’t matter. I am a lady and the purpose of seeming him was to get closure and perspective, which, by observing the way he reacted, I did.

        I realized just what he was in that moment. I feel bad that it took me so long to get there and that I let this strange relationship rob me of so much of my emotional energy. But nothing was more priceless than seeing this person face to face. It was an freeing moment for me.

        In my case, my ex said he never wanted to speak to me again. That hurt me and I was really on shaky ground after that for a long time. So I went to a social event where we would be in public. When I said hello to him in a polite way in front of other people, he had to respond courteously because other people were watching. I am sure he was hoping I would not call him out about his many strange secrets. I was polite too and the encounter was brief.

        By just showing up in his space, I got a great deal of satisfaction. As I said nothing disturbs this type of individual more than looking bad in public. He had really hurt me. I walked into his space. I was bold. Now he is the one who can be on shaky ground. I know many secrets which I do not share with others except some with my very closest confidants, who do not gossip. But his greatest fear is that his “secrets” will be revealed and I will gossip. Although I am responding to this blog, I do not Tweet, use Facebook or Instagram. Some people do broadcast every detail of their personal life I know, but I am not that type. So in this regard his “image” of himself was what caused him to act in such an unkind manner towards me – so that I would be too intimidated to “embarrass” him. He has a need to be “puffed up”. And, I must say, I was very taken by his potential and his attractive qualities. However, he is a narcissist and is really not the type who reciprocates support, like people in a normal healthy relationship. He is flattering and puts on a good show – to a point. The author puts it very correctly that this type of person lacks empathy and is extremely distrustful, in many intimate relationships anyway. Always on guard and jockeying for position. I was always trusting and hopeful in that relationship. I wish I had perceived the truth of the matter sooner.

  7. Not So Sad says:

    By proximity do you mean in one of the spheres?
    Could you elaborate on what you mean by ” force”

    Thanks for your replies BTW . Fascinating .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

      By proximity it would be sphere one, being next to one another.

      Thus if you and I were in a room together and my phone had no signal and there was nobody else around and you were not giving me fuel, this would weaken me. If you then began to criticise me, my fury would (eventually) be ignited. If you somehow (hard as it is to envisage with me of course) resisted giving me any fuel as I lashed out at you, then I would need to escape your continuing criticism. If you had locked me in the room I would either kick the door in or take the key from you and I would use physical force to get it from you.

      1. Heather says:

        Hello. I’m new to this. I have a question

  8. Ashes says:

    Dear HG,
    I’m sure my Ex is a greater narc…all you described happened, even the “let’s stay friends” thing. He put so much effort into convincing me that we should stay in touch. His Next had been his affair for at least half a year. After my discard she immediately moved in with him, and so on.. 8 months after the end I fell in love with another guy. I told ex-narc that I was now ready for real and honest friendship, that I was over him. Since that day he completely withdrew, he kinda broke up with me for the second time. All of a sudden “it’s not fair to my new gf that we are still in touch. we should not have contact anymore. blabla”
    This is different to what you describe in your article. Could you explain his behaviour? Greetings from Vienna, E.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Ashes, he withdrew because he realised that he would not gain any fuel from you and that he ran the risk of being criticised. You told him that you were over him, you were in love with someone else and you wanted real and honest friendship. You were exerting control (he would not like that), you were not giving fuel (he would not like that) you had someone new, an obstacle (he would not like that) and he decided that the best way to try and gain fuel would be to withdraw to see if you came after him and if you did not he had at least not wasted any energy pursuing you and he had avoided the consequences of being wounded through criticism.

      1. MLA - Clarece says:

        This makes a lot of sense. I imagine down the road, should I find myself secure with someone new, this is exactly how JN would behave. He hides behind his phone and he hates to put forth any of his energy.

  9. Not So Sad says:

    Actually . I mean from your ex IP . Not from current sources . Sorry.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      So, you mean if my fury is ignited by an ex IP and I cannot draw any fuel from that ex IP? if that is the case then the wounding will just keep happening so I would have to see fuel from another source if one was proximate and if not, I would have to withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere.

      1. Not So Sad says:

        Yes that’s what I meant . HG Thank you .

        When you say the ” wounding will just keep happening “?

        For how long?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          For as long as the narcissist remains in proximity to the person who is not giving fuel and continues to criticise the narcissist. Thus the narcissist needs to withdraw and if cornered will use force to do so.

  10. Not So Sad says:

    Thanks HG .

    Quick question about this please .

    You say your ” fury’s ignited ”
    What happens though if you can’t draw fuel?

    Say for example you don’t know who the new IP is & can’t get in touch to hoover? or know anyone who’ll listen to the smears ? .

    Perhaps you manage to make contact & anything you say receives no response?

    How would you react? .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi NSS, do you mean what happens if my fury is ignited but I cannot draw fuel form any source at all?

      1. Not So Sad says:

        Ah Ha . Yes HG . Hi .

  11. HG, I finally understood this sense of ownership. It was so difficult to understand what he was trying to say to me. Until now. You have no idea how this article is important to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

  12. All Done says:

    That’s what is strange, he is still hiding her from everyone (dirty little secret) but he has been seen out and about with her and her kids ( not often, he’s careful) … he even tried to tell me he isn’t with her..I recently found out that his family didn’t even know (I thought they did) . Why wouldn’t he want anyone to know..still.. a year and a half later…? And especially me.. not to know.. that would give him great negative fuel .. he doesn’t Hoover me. And I’ve moved on and am dating and he make it clear that “I broke his heart” by doing that…lol .. whatever , i don’t even respond when he says stuff like that..( rarely do we communicate) in fact I don’t even want to talk to him..I feel free and strong and happy again.. and when I do speak with him, it’s just ridiculous conversation, he cannot manipulate me , or drag me into that drama ( and he definitely tries) and that pisses him off.. so he has totally has dicarded me.. thank you God..!

    1. J says:

      Seems rather cruel to call her a little secret. She’s in the worst spot possible when it comes to a narc. I have never, nor will I ever be with a man who has someone else. I have never been the other woman. I have been in the position of being a secret and it’s hell. The ex left him 2.5 years before I came along. It’s been 5 years since their split (he was only with her a year), and still she has been the excuse as to why he would not even call me his gf. He involved me and my children with his family. Always just saying I was a friend, even after he intentionally got me pregnant. Apparently, extreme stress from mental abuse causes miscarriages. Thank God! The stories I could tell! Feel sorry for his poor little secret, because that place is worse than hell.

      1. All Done says:

        Hi J,
        I can never feel “sorry” for a woman who made a choice to sleep with another woman’s husband. If anything she deserves what she doesn’t know is coming. She broke a cardinal rule for woman, she knew me as his wife of 23 years. ( we were not friends, only acquaintances). I’ve really worked hard to be happy again, and I am. It delights me that me will always have to suck the life (fuel) out of everyone everyday just to live…because he will never truly know love from, His children or his grandchildren.. they /me were pawns in a sick fuckin game that played with human life and feelings..God is always watching. 👀. He is depravied, sick and will always be searching for something he will never get or feel….my little black heart skips a beat when I think of him/her standing in front of the pearly gates….🤔😲

  13. Lacy says:

    Brilliant HG, how does your kind feel about the relationship of his married Dirty Little Secret and her Husband? He’s is also married. The Dirty Little Secret has made it clear she will not divorce (husband has been cheating on her but she is staying for their young one)and insists he stay married as well. Thank you so much for the insight.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Lacy. Let me ensure I have the suggested dynamic correct. The narcissist has a Dirty Little Secret. The narcissist is married. The DLS is also married. Husband of DLS cheats but she will not leave him. Have I set it out correctly?

      1. Lacy says:

        Yes Sir

  14. Elizabeth says:

    The more you learn about them makes them repulsive rather than attractive. If i ever meet a narc again i think it would be hard to resist taking the poor thing out of its misery , permanently. Thanks for sharing.

  15. Bobbie says:

    Your posts hit home. This one especially. It feels really good to hear someone tell me the exact scenarios I have gone through, but I also feel bad knowing that so many others have gone through this. It is agonizing knowing that there is no hope for the Narcasist ( especially if you have children together). That no you so much for your posts. They really have changed my life.

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