Connected Yet Removed

connected-yet-removed

The people that know me and interact with me often remark that I always seem attuned to people and my environment. They remark about how I know so much about certain things, that I have clearly experienced a lot and retained the benefit of this experience. My awareness of matters is high and it is often commented on how I am able to “plug in” to something and instantly understand it, know how it works and what to do. Whether it is a meeting, discussion or event, I always fit in. I am not going to disagree with those comments.

Let us imagine that you are a massive football (soccer for our transatlantic cousins) fan. I listen to how you analyse a forthcoming match and discuss the impact of an expensive new signing. I carefully pay attention as you detail how the opposition centre-half is weak on short passes played into the penalty area. I see your eyes widen and light up with interest as you debate these issues with fellow fans. I make a careful note of what is said by you and the others and store it so that I can regurgitate it later to someone else who is similarly interested in football and pass it off as my own knowledge and observations. I do this with conviction so that nobody recognises that these comments are not my own. I spent the morning before the match that we are attending, reading the sport sections of two quality newspapers and also the satellite broadcaster’s webpage for the match, along with other bits and pieces from around the internet in order to assemble my knowledge for this, our first match together. I knew from your social media postings that you are a passionate fan of this team and as I targeted you I pretended I was as well. I managed to recall key trophies the team had won and recent events from the football club’s website to enable me to demonstrate I was also a committed fan. In the course of the discussion with you and your friends who are also die-hard fans I trot out a piece I memorised from a football writer, tweaking it here and there to give it a ring of authenticity as I explain how the captain, sorry our captain, needs a holding midfielder alongside him to allow him to venture further forward and play key balls to the lone man up front. You all nod in agreement showing admiration in my knowledge despite it being acquired elsewhere. I feel the fuel flowing.

I attend the match with you and see how excited you are by the occasion. Your conversation speeds up as you talk about the team the manager has selected. The smell of beer and hot dogs and pies mixes together on the concourse, heightening the occasion as the singing from the away fans drifts from inside the stadium. An event like this assails the senses. The press of the crowd as it makes its way inside seems to lend energy to you and your pace quickens, causing me to have to speed up to ensure I am not left behind. Once in our seats your face shows how you are eagerly anticipating the game, the chanting and shouting already loud, bouncing around the stadium and competing with the delivery of the pa announcer. All around me I can see nervous anticipation, bullish enthusiasm and well-founded confidence. I listen to the chants so I learn the words enabling me to join in. I watch you as you crane forward in your seat, eyes fixed on the unfolding match, fists clenched and repeated utterances issued loudly to urge your team on. I mimic your exhortions and body language, leaning towards the pitch and then jumping up as your team, now our team, opens the scoring. You hug me and I return the hug, jumping up and down in a replica of the delight that washes across the home crowd. The taunting chants aimed at the opposition ring out and I readily join in, gesturing towards the disconsolate faces in the adjoining stand. A second goal is scored, this time from the cries of delight and the conjoining of profanity and blasphemy the goal is clearly of both quality and importance.

“That puts us on top of the league on goal difference,” you explain as if you are able to see that I am wondering why there is such a heightened reaction to this second goal. I know however that you are not wondering that at all. I know that you are thrilled that I am embracing with such enthusiasm the match, sharing the main passion in your life. I join in with the cheers, the shouting, the cries of frustration and disappointment, the barracking of the referee when he makes a poor decision and ensure I am fully integrated with the experience. I look around me watching the passion, the hope, the fury and the delight etched on the other supporters. The stadium is a cauldron of noise and emotion. I am plugged into this experience alongwith fifty five thousand other people. I can see the emotions are raw and visceral, even primitive.

I see all of this around me yet I feel none of it. I merely mimic everyone else in order to fit in. I am attached to the experience but I feel nothing. I am completely detached from it. All it does is serve  a purpose to enable me to create and build bridges and ties with you. I can see how it all affects you, it is clear to see. I am there yet I am not. I am connected yet removed. This is how it feels, or rather, this is how it does not.

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64 thoughts on “Connected Yet Removed”

  1. this is so sad. N has an assumption of the kind of things I liked to read so when I was randomly telling me that he only reads crap he said no, people don’t know me — I read Rumi etc. I was so impressed. Later my friend who checked his fb page out etc said that there is nothing in tis guy’s personality that shows that and he is just faffing to impress you.

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  2. I like the way you describe how emotions manifest in peoples’ faces and bodies, it is very accurate. You observe them to be able to mimic what you do not feel, for your survival. I love observing people in social settings, too. You would never find me in the spotlight, I am not interested in talking, I am interested in listening and making up my mind in silence. Only in rare cases, when I feel very strongly about something, I would come forward and join the discussion…. the difference between one of your kind and me is that I can FEEL what they feel…

    A 3-year-old overjoyed at meeting Santa, I can FEEL it, and I rejoice with her and give her a big smile, thinking she does not yet know any evil and her joy is still pure… a neighbour telling me she just had to put her dog to sleep, I FEEL her pain, and tears will flow… I do not hide my emotions anymore… to feel does not mean to be weak… to feel means to be human and to be alive…

    When you surround yourself with the energy of people near you, do you not -for one split second- ask yourself how it might feel to truly JOIN them in their emotional experiences, not just observe from the outside?

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    1. Thank you Matilda. Your second paragraph is an apt way of describing what I cannot feel. I have indeed considered what it would be like to join people in their emotional experiences and from what I have witnessed, I am in a better place for not having the burden that other people have.

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      1. I see why you would regard feelings as burden, sometimes they *are*. But you grow spiritually with your challenges. I would not be the person I am today, if I had not experienced what I had. I appreciate light in my life so much more now… because I have seen darkness.

        Peace to you, HG! 🙂

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      2. Thank you Matilda. I understand why you adopt that view and it is entirely correct in accordance with your perspective. My perspective is different, hence why i adopt a different outcome concerning those feelings.

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  3. I’ve noticed that quite a few of my posts are in moderation whilst others are actioned and replied to quite fast. Most of those answered are utterly meaningless.
    I feel a bit dejected HG tbh.

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    1. Dawn,

      65 of your posts on this blog have been approved and posted.
      16 of your questions on this blog have already been answered.
      8 of your posts remain in moderation.

      Yours are not the only posts waiting in moderation.

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      1. Oooh stats. So on average only 10% of our posts go into moderation. Good rate.
        Mr. Tudor, what is your closing ratio? Number of IPs obtained compared to Number of potential IPs pursued?

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      2. No Love, all posts go into moderation and other than a very small percentage which are weeded out because it is a personal message to me or it is an ad hominem attack on someone else or is utterly irrelevant, they all appear on the blog, it just takes time for me to work through the longer posts and those with questions in them. I try to keep the more recent posts where people are talking to one another flowing through whilst dealing with those in the backlog.
        Interesting question on my strike rate. It will be above 90% – very few ever elude me.

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      3. That is very honest of you Mr. Tudor. I would have thought your closing ratio was 2:1. For every person pursued, two were obtained 😉
        Btw, if any are personal attacks on me, please do push them through. It appears I enjoy a good ol’ forum fight. Gotta flex my empath muscles somewhere lol.
        P.S., thank you for everything you do. For being such a big bad dangerous narc, you’re quite lovable.

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    2. Dawn your sensitivity as to thinking you are being singled out is probably one of the residual effects of the binding tape wrapped around you by your narcissist. Don’t depart from here because HG is your best chance to recover from those effects. Save yourself a lot of wasted time and money in recovering and stay on this fast highway HG has made for you and your kind.

      When you are in the downphase with your narcissist, you are singled out. You learned this, just as he wanted you to. That something is wrong with you specifically, whereas everyone else around you is treated normally. This is intentional. Easier to control you and take your energy with you in that mindspace that we make for you, it is based in your specific weaknesses.

      Now assuming you have escaped or were discarded is time to unlearn it. The farther away you get from him, the more that sensibility will go away. It is the voice of your narcissist, not your own.

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    3. Dawn

      Thanks for the body slam there Dawn.
      Most of those answered were utterly meaningless? To whom? Please aquaint yourself with the rules of the blog and book a private consult to deal with your issue ( which by the numerous posts HG HAS replied to only ever seem to be you asserting that your Narc will not hoover when he has told you multiple times that he will). He is but one man and we are many, with different issues and at different stages. I also have some in moderation and now there will be several he must review dealing with us trying to persuade you to calm the f*** down and stay. The blog is for discussion, and the private consult is a more personal one on one and priority. You seem to be in the latter category. Do stay and participate. I’ll try not to clutter up the blog with MY meaningless posts.

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      1. Ah Oh

        Thank you darling. I didnt really think mine were ( flips hair). I was being facetious instead of unloading my fury.
        Any cookies left?

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      1. I know it’s difficult to be in a relationship with a narc. We have questions and we rely on HG to answer them. HG is a highly efficient, productive machine really. However, he has a day job. He is working on his future books like ‘little boy lost’ and ‘matrinarc.’ He writes many articles on the blog daily. He answers questions. And he has to tend to devaluing his gf kim😝
        Personally i don’t know how he finds time for all of this.
        I think if we are careful not to ignite his fury it will be beneficial for all of us. After all he is a narc and he may be offended if you leave suddenly. Perhaps if your questions are urgent, you can have an email consultation with him? It’s affordable and he replies within 24 hours. Hope i did not offend anybody by my opinion.

        HG we know you work tirelessly here. May i offer you a suggestion as well? How about not posting articles on the weekend? Maybe just memes on those days? That way, you may have time to answer the questions that are in moderation. We really appreciate you taking the time to interact with us. We care about you and i feel you deserve some rest also. I hope i am not out of line by suggesting this. Love u ❤️❤️❤️

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      2. Thank you PTSD.

        The 5 rules prevent any manifestation of the ignition of my fury and I also have a high control threshold.

        You are absolutely right about the consultation point,that is what it is for.

        The articles that are posted at weekend include ones which have been produced previously therefore I am not writing additional material. I reproduce them because some people have not seen them before (not everybody reads the archived material) and also it allows people who read them months ago to see them in a different light in view of the progress they have made in their recovery and understanding. The thoughtfulness of your comment however is appreciated. I do not need to rest, there is much to be done.

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    1. Dawn, He did not say this in a bad way. I read it twice, it was only facts he stated. If he was devaluing you, which he can’t due to the 5 rules, he would have said some really mean things.

      I am not defending him for his sake, it is for you. You are here for a reason. Relax and join the rest of the coconuts.

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      1. Snow White, I am on vacation every day. My travel starts up next month with trips to California and Colorado. It is ski season. I will be going to Colorado a couple of times this winter.
        In late spring, I will be going to Galapagos Islands and Machu Picchu. I also plan on a return trip to Sweden for a month this summer, but from there I am sure I will venture out in search of my playmate. I have a feeling he is in Scandinavia.
        This is my life. You are welcomed to join on any or all of the adventures.
        I do not have a job per se but being me is all I can handle.

        In short, I have a charmed life.

        This Wednesday is baking cookies day. It is an annual event I do with my bestie Adelia. We might not see each other all year, but we get together for cookies. It is like this in Vegas; you do not see friends for months, but you pick up where you left off. I am single and most of my GF’s are not.

        Why was I not on the blog? I was trying to break the chain. HG does not let you do this. I started having dreams of the sister wives calling to me. Come back come back. 🙂

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      2. AH OH,
        Your adventures sound fantastic!!!!
        I always wanted to learn how to ski. Maybe one day I will make it to the slopes. You have a lot to look forward to. And I do hope you find your playmate. 😉
        I’m glad you will get to see your best friend again and and have some fun.
        Glad you came back. You make me laugh.

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  4. Dawn,
    I have a few in moderation as well. So you are not being singled out. These’s only one of HG and so many of us. I understand your impatience and eagerness to have your questions answered but let’s remember HG does not owe us answers but is kind enough to take the time to reply as his schedule permits. Very best to you!

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    1. Dawn, he did not respond for 10 days once. Do not be upset if he called you out with giving you numbers. He has the numbers on all of us. He also has put me in my place and rightfully so.
      Stick around, he wants you here and so do we. The more the merrier. We are learning from each other.

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  5. I have a few posts in moderation with HG going on 2-3 weeks. That is very normal when he finds the questions interesting, challenging, or that his answer(s) to them require mulling over. He has always responded to everyone eventually. We all get excited to hear from him. Don’t feel dejected. He does not disappoint. He is very diligent with the personal consultations as well if you’re in a situation you feel needs immediate attention.

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  6. One of my fav blogs so far! By the way hg i really enjoy how descriptive your writing is. It makes it not only informative but fun to read as well!
    Ive seen this in action. Moreso after learning narcs mimic. I tested my narc out once by saying how much i loved his laugh which i do but dont hear it often. Since saying that hes always laughing now an you can tell its put on. That said i am glad he laughs bc i do like to see him happy. Sounds crazy but i do.
    When we first met he showed a huge interest in something i find interesting. He admitted later he only did that to get close to me. When i ask him to now he will but isnt really into it.
    Hes constantly coming up with new things and its pure speculation but my hunch is the new things are from other supply.
    While this seems fake i do think the fact they pick up on others interests is what makes them enjoyable to be around. They are well rounded and aways bring life into relationships. Maybe not all narcs but thats been my experience. So altho it can be deceptive it has its advantages.
    He also likes to mimic accents and goes thru phases of idolyzing certain people or things. Almost like an obsession. Right now hes in love with trump. Trump this trump that. I think he recognizes himself and can relate.
    This mimicing is part of imo the very core of how they create an identity for themselves. They are a combination of bits and pieces collected from hundreds of people theyve met thru the yrs. On a lesser level i think we all do it somewhat but with the narc its on grander scale and calculated quite often with an agenda.

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  7. Dawn…many of mine are still awaiting or not been posted.
    Honestly im surprised hg responds to the posts here. Many blogs ive been on ppl dont or rarely. Things get busy in life.
    I hope u come back i enjoy your posts 💓

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  8. Hi HG,
    Do you think that it will always benefit you to not feel? Do you believe that you once did and that you buried them so deep that you can’t even see anything that resembles them?

    Do you think it’s something similar to what I am experiencing now? I had different feelings and emotions before I was involved with my ex and now I can’t get in touch with them. I don’t know where they are. I don’t know how to have the same feelings. I seem to have more of your list of emotions.

    Do you trust anyone?

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    1. Hello Sw, I do feel some things – hatred, jealousy, shame, envy and the like. The good doctors believe that I did feel certain things and I have shut them away because they are linked to something so awful that I fear that allowing them to surface will bring to the fore the full horror once again.

      I suspect you are numbed as opposed to having buried and imprisoned those feelings. I also think that I had a natural susceptibility to those feelings being less so than say what you would experience, which has allowed me to bury and imprison them in the way that I have.

      No I do not.

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      1. I don’ know how you are as productive as you are with the amount of sleep that you get. Lol
        It sounds like you have come a long way in therapy if you are able to recount some of the stories to them. You must leave their offices mentally exhausted on those days.

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  9. Do you ever feel the emptiness of not feeling anything?
    Of having to memorize others reactions just to get attention?
    Do you ever feel hollow? Or do you drown that with fuel?
    Do you ever wish you had a natural connection with ANYONE?

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    1. Hello Mai,

      I feel the presence of the void every day.
      I know the need to memorise reactions but I have become very practised at it.
      I do not drown with fuel, there can never be enough.
      I did have that connection once upon a time but it was snatched away from me.

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      1. So interesting. I just came across this site and it’s brilliant and enlightening in the darkest way. Thank you.

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      2. HG what do you see that is so wrong with our hope?
        I know fear keeps me from things, yet hope is what keeps me from ever giving up

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      3. I understand and I understand why you see it this way. Perspective
        Thank you HG, your work always goes above and beyound anything I have ever come across.

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      4. For a girl like me your a dream come true, your the baddest out there and the only one that could control me.

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  10. HG
    How would one react if they knew another could touch so to say the part that had to become numb due to survive? Would this cause fear?

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  11. I dont mean in a manor to change you, yet to understand. Would this cause fear? To have another to understand in this way not just by what you convey in your writings.

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  12. Its there, just seperate from the person you are now.
    And no chances of connecting again are slim to none.
    Yet there is always hope.
    Why would you believe isnt there?

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      1. I believe you misunderstood me, You hope I choked on what I was eating darling when I read that.
        That is only for my kind not yours. Yet We still can hope. Going againest the odds.
        Trust me when I say I know there is no change. You know how hard it is to change oneself changing another will never happen. That is just a fact.
        Besides HG I dont want you to change, you are perfect just as as you are.

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