Why Not Let You Go?


It is a common question that is asked of me. Why don’t you and your kind just let us be once you have discarded us, why do you have to keep coming back to us, why apply all that effort in hoovering us when you can go and get somebody new and concentrate on them instead? Those are fair queries but they fail to understand the dynamic that is at work in respect of why we keep coming back to you. Here are the reasons why.


1.      Control. As I have explained previously, the Narcissistic Relationship lasts until either one of us dies. We need to remind you that you belong to us. We need to exert our rights under the Narcissistic Covenant and by hoovering you, this is the most blatant and effective way of doing so.

2.      Perspective. You are an extension of us. We attach you to us when we seduce you and suck the fuel from you. We do not truly discard you but instead there is a temporary cessation before we engage once again and continue to draw fuel from you. Since we do not regard you as a separate and distinct entity, but rather part of our powerful and far-reaching selves, we consider you to always be available and thus we keep hoovering you since in our minds you are part of us and thus within reach.

3.      Punishment. In some instances, which is dependent on the type of narcissist you are being punished for your transgressions against us. These transgressions may be numerous but most often they are to do with the fact that you escaped us and/or you failed to provide us with the necessary fuel when required. In order to demonstrate that we are superior to you, we deem it appropriate to punish you and thus you will be hoovered through malign follow up hoovers.

4.      Hoover fuel. This is the chief reason why we hoover. Hoover fuel is very potent, it is edifying and invigorating. Why is this? There is every likelihood that when we seek to hoover you post discard or post escape that you try to resist our overtures. This is because you have been devalued and abused, admittedly it is not always the case as some victims want us back regardless, but there are many who are at best reluctant and at worst determined to resist us. If we manage to draw a positive reaction from them or even a negative one, it reinforces our power over this person and causes the fuel to be even more powerful. If we manage to bring about the resumption of the Formal Relationship, then this is even better. We have emphasised just how much control we have over you and to have you return, either exhibiting joy, relief and thanks, the quality of this hoover fuel is impressive. Even if the victim provides no resistance to our hoover and willingly returns to us, pouring with positive fuel as we have allowed them back into our arms, the fact we know we can treat people the way that we do and they still want us and provide us with fuel results in potent hoover fuel for us as well. Knowing we can still evoke such emotion in people, after everything that we have done, laces the fuel with a particular power.

5.      Investment. You ought to be aware that we have invested our time and energy in you. This may well have been through the preparatory work that was engaged in when we targeted you, working out the relevant traits that you had which appeal to us, assessing your susceptibility to our seduction hoover and so forth. It also includes all of the effort that we put into your seduction and the devaluation thereafter. We know you. We know how you think, how you react, how you respond, how you act. We understand your mind. We know your strengths, your weaknesses, your vulnerabilities and your pressure points. We have ensured that you are attached to us, bound to us and functioning and therefore this solid and substantial investment in you is not just for an initial period of time. It is done so we can rely on this investment, time and time again in the future. We do not want to waste such a significant investment. This should enlighten you as to why it is just not easier to go and seduce somebody else. We have invested much in you and we want the return from our investment again and again and again. We will of course expend effort in securing new investment opportunities but we are not going to forgo previous investments as well.

6.      Compassion. Don’t get excited, I am not going to tell you that you can expect it, quite the opposite. Somebody other than us might decide that you have indeed had enough and move on and leave you alone. However, the fact that we lack compassion and remorse means that we see no reason to leave you alone. Your condition and state of mind are only relevant to us with regard to whether we can draw further fuel from you. We do not care that you are hurting, upset or that you are in pain.

7.      Entitlement. Our significant sense of entitlement means we can do as we please and naturally as someone who was once our primary source you are always going to be subject to the manifestation of this entitlement by us keeping coming back to you, subject of course to the conditions of the Hoover Trigger and the Hoover Execution Criteria which I have written about separately.

8.      Pleading. Do not think that pleading with us for relief, release and clemency will get you anywhere. Not only will this draw no response because of the lack of compassion as mentioned above but because you are providing us with fuel we will want more of it and therefore your pleading is something we want to see, but it will have no effect on us other than to make us want you to continue to plead and beg.

Thus there are several reasons why we will not leave you be and let you move on. We will not grant you the freedom. You have to secure it yourself.


27 thoughts on “Why Not Let You Go?”

  1. Merry Christmas, HG! I trust you are doing well. Do any of the above considerations apply to IPSS and DSIPSS given a substantially smaller investment in these and other differences? As you mentioned on other occasions, no one else provides any coverage for these types of narcissistic relationships, so you are the only hope and source of knowledge for IPSS and DSIPSS everywhere. 🙂

    1. Yes they do with the appropriate adjustments catered for as a consequence of the altered dynamics as described in What Am I To Him and Dirty Little Secret.

  2. Thanks, HG. It’s always good to get freshened up on this stuff. Question. Since you have stated we are ensnared for life to provide fuel in its many forms, could we not hasten potential demise of these relationships by simply being bad supply, over and over again? I’m not simply suggesting gray rock. I’m suggesting gray rock personally tailored to the narc’s deficiencies., core issues, etc. Your thoughts on this would be appreciated.

      1. This is what I was doing. I told him to let me go. He didn’t and wouldn’t. So I went on the reverse strategy… did everything I could to tear him apart. Once I sensed more than I could define where his weaknessess lay, I played them. Provoked rage in him. I begane to own him. And now, in one of those games, he tried to retaliate by hurting me, he gave me the smoking gun truth. And with that, I discarded him. Showed a ‘friend’ of his how nasty he is, (oh, and he then went crazy liking her pictures to show me), told him to go eff himself, and then blocked him everywhere. I will never, ever undo them either. The discard is now mutual. He caused dar more damage to me than I ever could have to him, but I burned every single bridge left and am gone. He may know I feel sad or whatever about it, but he is never, ever going to hear a word from me again. Maybe he won, still. But 2017 was the year I disappear. He left a smear of me on Instagram. I got Instagram to delete his photo and the posts. Hope that made him feel impotent but it likely will be fuel of some twisted sort, right?

  3. Well explained, HG. He returns like there’s nothing wrong, can’t get it through his head that he’s fucked up good and proper this time, no going back for me. But trying to shake him off, oh if only!

  4. This is all absolutely TRUE! I’d like to know why knowing this all to be true, I still have trouble staying away!? Why is he constantly on my mind?….will I ever stop obsessing over this man? Will the madness ever end?

  5. Thank you H.G.! I really needed this post. To understand that I am his, and he will use his tangles of manipulation to keep me here.

  6. The last time I begged the ex-MN to please let me go, his responses were; “I can’t let you go, you’re the one I want and need in my life”, I’ll never be able to let you go, you’re my one and only real true love, and I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, I can’t just turn my love on/off like a light switch. That was the night before I was discarded 10 mos. ago. I haven’t been hoovered yet, which makes me think maybe he’s decided I indeed have had enough. Maybe he’s moved on and has decided to leave me alone. I don’t want him to come back, but I do find it interesting that he hasn’t yet followed the hoovering habits of a Narc; whereas, he has in every other aspect. I know not to be naive in thinking that he will never try coming back at some point (even 10 years down the road, especially if he’s divorced), but I thought if he was going to hoover at all, there would have been an attempt by now, especially because the wounds are fresher in the beginning. With this said, I’m extremely grateful he hasn’t shown up because I’ve been blessed with time to heal and knowledge to become stronger in knowing who I am, who he is, and what my boundaries are.

  7. My narc must have enjoyed the hoover fuel frm me. After 1.5 months of him trying to contact me, and me not replying, i finally replied. I bombarded him with questions on his behavior, was not satisfied with his answers, insulted him, and blocked him again. Four days later, i unblocked him. He said he can’t take these criticisms anymore and that he wants to end his life. My heart went out to him at this point. I forgave him for everything and now we are in regular contact.

  8. Sending someone I never expected hmmm he is pulling out some serious stuff now. I made a promise to this person if they ever needed me I would be there, I really hate breaking promises and he knows this. Yet I know he controls this person and forbid them to ever speak to me long ago.
    Do you think he will make an appearance?

  9. I reported my ex MN to the police and to his professional board as I had been a client when he targeted me. He was told to stay away while dealing with his professional board. Even with all that I suspect as soon as they are done with him he will be back. It’s just another great challenge and of course the rules don’t apply to him.

      1. Sad thou I am sure he believes he is making me think of him, which he is yet it’s reminding me of what I lost, never make a mother that is grieving still angry.
        It’s taking all my self control not to lash out at him.

  10. HG, my narc has been on a hoover since he put himself out of my home 7 months ago by disappearing for 3 days. I’m not your typical victim, in that he never hurt me, meaning that yes, I’m empathetic, loving, caring, etc but I’m also a person that will fight for myself. I loved him quickly. I thought he was wonderful. I had been a happy single for 20 yrs, celibate for 16, so he didn’t win me over with sex. He acted like a christian & seemed so genuinely nice. He was broke, not too educated (I found out later) smh, slightly handicapped physically but I didn’t care because I could take care of myself. As soon as he “turned” into who he is, a month or two after our wedding, I was introduced to the narc profile (I originally didn’t know what made him change) through a friend & later got the real education by reading your books/blogs. He fits the profile perfectly. He started raging, cursing me, triangulation with his adult children, took my car, lying, silent treatment, cheated complete with giving me a disease, reneged on all his promises, he started to disappear, returning at 2:am, next time 4:am, next time he stayed out all night with no explanation, the final time 2 nights, 3 days. I locked him out of my house, he never got back in. We lived together a total of 8 months. I blocked his calls before I learned about “no contact”, & have been in this process for 6 months. I’ve just experienced a grand hoover. He came to my church Christmas Day & came to my home! (He didn’t see me or talk to me either time). He called yesterday begging for a text, call or dinner, lying about how much he loves me & misses me. He almost got to me because I really did love him I felt a pang in my heart so I immediately wrote you for strength. My question, is there anything I can text him to let him know I know what he is, leave me alone? I’m uncomfortable/slightly fearful of him stalking me. I’m the person that contacted you about my daughter who’s involved with a narc that I wanted some advice on how to teach her what I’ve learned…both of our narcs name is Ray!!!!!! Wtf! Her’s is young, very handsome & broke, mine is my age, very handsome & broke!! I have to laugh. Waiting to hear from you.


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