The Smearing of the Empath



I have previously explained some of the forms that the smear campaign takes and also why they are so effective. Now I turn to the six reasons why they affect somebody like you so much. Smear campaigns are a constant in the arsenal of the narcissist. Effective, utilised through word of mouth and with the capacity to envelop several people at once who in turn perpetuate the smear, the smear campaign is a favoured manipulation of our kind. Here are six reasons why they affect you so much.

  1. Denial of assistance

The smear campaign is usually utilised during devaluation and on the cusp of discard. Its timing is such that you will more likely than not find yourself in a position of desperation, fatigue and confusion. Battered and buffeted by our manipulations through the devaluation period,you are in a poor position to defend yourself never mind having to defend your reputation with others. Once the discard hits you and knocks you for six, you are in need of considerable assistance. You need somebody to help you make sense of what has just happened. You need somebody to listen to you as you pore over the relationship and try to piece together (usually unsuccessfully) the cause of your fall from grace and subsequent discard. You will need assistance on practical items such as money, paying bills, eating, child care, washing and cleaning in some of the more extreme cases where your ability to function has been hammered. When your need for external assistance is at its highest, you find that those who you thought you could rely on to help you have been poisoned. Friends become unobtainable or suddenly busy with other commitments. Family are sceptical about helping you since they think you have brought it on yourself and they are even ashamed of your supposed behaviour. Colleagues are not inclined to assist someone who has been painted the way you have. These people disappear, turn their backs or even worse ally with our kind and the help and assistance you so desperately need has been taken away from you. This furthers your isolation, your pain and your distress. It also reduces your capability to address the nature of the smear campaign and neutralise it.

  1. The Corruption of the Truth

You abide by the truth. You speak it and live by it. Yes, you may tell the odd white lie but you are a paragon of virtue compared to our mendacious and repeated untruths. You believe in the truth and you need others to know that you are an honest and truthful person. You base your life on having honest dealing with people, both towards them and from them. It has been an horrendous enough experience dealing with our lies that we told time and time again to you, but it becomes even worse when you are being lied about. You may have reached the conclusion that we are well-practised liars and that is the way we are but to have your own reputation impugned and your character stained as a liar is anathema to you. This causes distress and the fact you know that other people are believing a lie about you will have a damaging effect on you and we know this full well.

  1. Frustration

You feel a huge sense of frustration that your reputation is being smeared but added to that is the frustration that people are actually believing what is being said about you. You are surprised and dismayed that people are falling for what we are saying about you. You are disappointed in those people who you thought would know better than to be taken in by what we have said. You really ought to know by now that just as oyu were taken in by our charm and seduction, so have they. Did you really expect them to respond any differently when you did not? The difficulty is, is that you know the truth about the lies being spun about you and you desperately want others to see through this but they do not. You understand why, because we base the smear on a grain of truth, we magnify and manipulate and twist and warp the truth so that people are deceived in an expert fashion but nevertheless you really though that people who you could rely on would see through this tissue of lies, this web of deceit. The frustration at this overhwhelms you and adds to the distress of the situation as a whole.

  1. The Lack of Control

We hate losing control. Most people do not like to lose control because this causes distress, anxiety and apprehension. If something bad happens and you are able to at least do something to address it, counter it or mitigate its effect you automatically feel better. However, if you are swept along on a tide by a force over which you can exert no control, the sense of helplessness is massive. You are made to feel like this because when the smear campaign commences your coping ability has been hugely reduced. We however are at the top of our game, calling the shots and orchestrating everything with considerable effectiveness. You do not truly understand why it is happening, why we are behaving like this and moreover why people believe what we are saying. You feel as if you have no control over the progression and outcome of the smear campaign and this increases its effectiveness in terms of how it affects you.

  1. Keeping Up Appearances

Related to the corruption of the truth. Whereas the corruption of the truth alarms you because of the way that a central quality which you adhere to and believe in is being damaged, the smear campaign is also damaging how people think about you. You are not a person who is immersed in pride. You are neither vain nor conceited but you still want people to think well of you because you are a good and decent person. You just want people to know what you are and to have them told that you are something contrary to your actual appearance becomes especially upsetting for you.

  1. The Hammer to Your Reputation


Not only is your character and outward appearance as a good and honest person shattered and dented by the smear campaign, the effects of a smear campaign often go further. Your professional integrity is called into question with ramifications for your job, career advancement and livelihood. Your standing in the community is adversely affected which could have repercussions where you hold positions of trust and authority. If you have to be licensed by the authorities in some way, a smear campaign can place that in jeopardy. You may lose friends, your family may distance themselves from you but the repercussions of a smear campaign can infect your professional life, your income, your integrity and your standing. You are made to feel like a pariah and you may lose clients and customers, the backing of your superiors, be regarded as an albatross to an organisation. People are obsessed with appearances and if you become a PR nightmare not only is your personal life hammered by the smear campaign your professional and business standing is also.

27 thoughts on “The Smearing of the Empath

  1. Not So Sad says:

    DFA Thank you .!

    I’m quite overwhelmed by the replies & the fabulous support from
    you & everyone else here . πŸ™‚

    Hugs .

    NNS x

  2. DFA says:

    Not so sad I am so happy you are where you are today and getting stronger every day. It is not an easy trip, to be torn apart and left for dead.
    In the aftermath you find strength you never knew yet always had.
    Hope your week has been well.

  3. Kristy says:

    Omg you all get it- the smear campaign is crippling. Functioning past it has been almost impossible…but I survived it too! Go us!

    1. David Bell says:

      I’m right in the middle I had no clue people like this existed I have nobody my whole family left me and took her side I can’t believe it. Friends I have had my whole life slept with my gf of 12 years I literally have nothing, Noone. She took my son from me. She is so abusive towards him he is not allowed 2 speak of me. She took out a restraining order and to my absolute shock, everyone is supporting her. My son wants to be with me so bad and she physically and emotionally abuses him and I feel like the biggest failure piece of shit because I know he is there crying wondering where his Dad is to rescue him and I am only a few miles away and can do nothing. Nobody gives a shit I have been the one watching him and working full time to support them 4 10 years while she was off sleeping with everyone and doing drugs behind my back and I am dumbfounded that everyone used to tell me “You are the most honest person I have ever met. It is so refreshing.” But even though nothing has changed they all look at me like I am Hitler. Like I have never told the truth. I am so lost yes suicide is such a valid option but I could not ever stop fighting for my son. It’s the worst thing ever to be dropped by EVERYONE, friends especially family, but I will be dammed if I am going to let anyone I don’t care who it is, nobody fucks with my son. I will not wait until he grows old and dies and comes 2 me in the afterlife asking why were you not there. I can go through this unimaginable hell that has completely destroyed me but there is no way my innocent son will be turned into a hateful person like her because I gave up I don’t care what it takes. And I have been doing it on my own 4 6 months. She took everything, everything. This hell isn’t worth it if I had no child but I do so I will continue 2 go in alone until him and I walk out of hell together.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Hello David, you will find the tools and materials here to make sense of what has happened and why and to enable you to plot a path through the hell you have described.

      2. David, i am sorry for what you are experiencing. Hang in there and stay strong for yourself and for your son. I am sending you positive energy!

      3. Not So Sad says:

        Hello David .

        I’m so sorry to read your story.

        You sound like a very proud & loving dad, I know in my heart that once you become emotionally stronger that fight in you will be stronger too.!

        Just remember that even though we may contemplate suicide as a viable option, narcs dont grieve or feel sad that they may have caused it , instead they would only briefly miss a potential fuel supply . That’s about as twisted & messed up it gets.

        Virtual hugs David .
        Stay strong for your son . You’re worth it and he needs his dad now more than ever . x

      4. Love says:

        You’re a good man David. πŸ’œ

    2. Not So Sad says:

      Go Kirsty !

      We’re all proof that it can be done ,.Nice to met you ! x

  4. MidnyteBlu says:

    my narcopath started out as a one night stand in 1999, he then tried to force me into a relationship, he would constantly harass and threaten me until i agreed just to be friends to make him stop, it became physical attacks and I got restraining orders but he didnt care about getting arrested, to this day he still tries to smear me…the crazy thing is the lies he tells about me he tells about every female who has rejected him

  5. He smeared me in front of 2 people, possibly 3. After escape, hoover, and re-establishment of contact, I asked him about the smear. He told me his version of events. I think in his mind he actually believes his version. I explained to him that his version is incorrect. Then i forgave him.

  6. Blugirlygirl says:

    Another post that is like reading into my life. He smeared me to my professional contacts knowing damn well that my career is vital to me. He was always jealous of my career because I am well respected in my field and made more than he did. Good riddance.

  7. E. B. says:

    It is not so much the smear in itself (as adults we know who we are and we may laugh at the outrageous lies) but its **repercussions** as in No. 5:

    “…You may lose friends, your family may distance themselves from you but the repercussions of a smear campaign can infect your professional life, your income, your integrity and your standing. … you may lose clients and customers, the backing of your superiors, be regarded as an albatross to an organisation. … not only is your personal life hammered by the smear campaign your professional and business standing is also.”

    The repercussions are no fun. Several areas of our lives are systematically destroyed.

  8. Indy says:

    Yayyy Not So Sad that you came back from the brink!!! I think a lot of people do not understand how close to death we can get to from this type of abuse. That emotional and mental abuse is hard core. It nearly took me as well, so glad we made it!!!!

    1. Not So Sad says:

      Thank you Indy !!

      I’m so glad you made it too !! It would have been an easy option at the time & would have left my children without a mum . If I’m honest they were the only reason I didn’t .

      But here were are over the other side !! High five my friend !! xx

      Hugs. x

  9. Not So Sad says:

    ” . You will need assistance on practical items such as money, paying bills, eating, child care, washing and cleaning in some of the more extreme cases where your ability to function has been hammered.”

    Ability to function? I was just a breathing corpse . Emotionally destroyed beyond anything anyone who hasn’t experience this could ever understand . It was living hell on a grand scale & there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop it.
    His destruction of me at that point was complete . Suicide became a valid option . πŸ™

    1. MLA - Clarece says:

      And now you’re Not So Sad! Hugs!!

      1. Not So Sad says:

        YayyyyyyY! Hugs! back MLA-Clarece . Thank you !!

    2. E. B. says:

      @NotSoSad, I totally agree with you that anyone who hasn’t experience this could ever understand. I’m glad you’re here with us.

      1. Not So Sad says:

        Thank you EB . πŸ™‚

        100% . It’s taken me nearly two years to gain some insight into narcissistic abuse. I don’t know where in the world you are EB but I read recently that the police in the UK spend just 90 mins as part of their training on domestic abuse.

        You can sit in front of a Councillor or psychologist and IF you can find the right words to explain yourself, the majority haven’t got a clue about the basics let alone the complexities of it. In fact I’d go as far to say that through HGs blog posts we all have a better understanding than they do thankfully .

        I hope you’re looking after yourself EB .

        No So Sad x

    3. E. B. says:

      @Not So Sad
      Thank you so much for your words and your kindness. I really appreciate it.
      I like your avatar. What it says is true. We are the ones who *see* through the narcissist. Because of this fact, we are seen as a threat to be destroyed.

      Yes, it is difficult to explain in a few words the *subtleties* of emotional/psychological abuse to someone who has not experienced it, especially when it is covert or is administered in small doses over time.
      Besides, finding the right words without getting emotional is not easy for me. I am working on it but I still feel deep pain and sadness so I avoid talking about it in front of other people. They do not believe me anyway.

      90 minutes only?? From my personal experience I do not trust the police and I seldom trust people in a position of power and authority. The ones I have met try to take advantage of it. Two of them have intimidated and threatened me.

      I light candles for people who suffered or are still suffering different kinds of abuse. This evening I will light a candle for you, Not So Sad.

      Wish you all the best for the coming year!

      1. Not So Sad says:

        My pleasure EB & thank you for lighting the candle for me , it means a lot truly x

    4. E. B. says:

      You’re welcome, NotSoSad. It is round, pastel green and has a strong flame. It looks pretty. πŸ™‚

      1. Not So Sad says:

        Thank you EB . It sounds lovely **x

  10. Wordpress says:

    The Narc smeared me on Facebook like a child, but this was a man in his forties, and the Flying Monkeys, even older. I could imagine the laughter and howls of hyenas.

  11. I think my Narc smeared me on her Facebook (which I never had and will never have so it means exactly nothing). But it’s hilarious because she literally had no one else to smear me to; she doesn’t know who my friends are and we have no mutual friends and my folks would never believe her anyway.

    Maybe it’s just me but I have never cared about gossip and care even less as an adult. It’s because I know who I am. Whatever else anyone thinks that a Narc might say is irrelevant, because they know it’s not the truth and I know it’s not the truth. That is enough.

    This is my opinion and I firmly stand by it. Thanks for another great post!

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