Game For A Laugh
Where does a sense of humour fit into the make-up of the narcissist?
I am pleased to report I have an excellent sense of humour – when it suits me. As a consequence of being well-read, interested in the world (for the purposes of ensuring my place is firmly recognised within it) and the fact I am quick-witted, I am able to fashion wit out of many situations but only on the basis that is serves my purpose. Like nearly everything else, laughter and humour are tools that some of our kind are able to deploy for the purposes of furthering our aims. They are devices and conduits to achieving what we want and how our sense of humour is fashioned is very much dependent on the circumstances in which we find ourselves and our fuel needs.
Take for instance a Friday evening. I often attend a local bar with a number of my inner circle friends. In some of the bars which I frequent regularly I also know outer circle friends who will often be there at the same time and tertiary sources, people I might say hello too and little else. This is an environment which allows me to hold court as I regale my eager listeners with my tales of corporate derring ‘do, mock the latest blunder of an intimate primary source, argue about politics in order to keep a secondary source in his place in the pecking order and so on. Humour always plays a part. I am well aware that by demonstrating a keen sense of humour and drawing giggles, snorts and belly laughs this is all good positive fuel and aids in the maintenance of the façade to demonstrate that I am entertaining company, fun to be around and amusing. I always find my jokes and witty anecdotes amusing, obviously.
I also recognise that for the purposes of continuing to draw fuel and to maintain the façade that it is necessary for me to laugh at the comments and antics of others. This does not come naturally. If someone else is telling a joke, the spotlight is on them. I do not like that. It does not ignite my fury, far from it but I want the laughter to be because of my anecdote not say my friend Paul’s recollection of an incident at work. I recognise that what he is saying is meant to be amusing and I know that other people will laugh, but I do not find it funny because it is not humour generated by me. Of course, if I see it as appropriate to maintain the façade and I often do, I will laugh and chortle and throw out a compliment such as ‘very funny’ or ‘good one’ before looking to trump it with my own joke or anecdote. I do not however find the comment amusing per se. I feign my amusement for the purposes of fitting in, maintaining the façade and in order to ensure people respond to my comments in a positive manner.
Of course there will be times when I deem it necessary to allow my lack of humour to manifest. This might be done with some cocky newcomer to the group who thinks that he can take centre stage. As he unleashes a joke or fire out some one liners, I remain unmoved. I can see other people may laugh, but I do not. This is not manufactured. I do not find what is said as funny because it is starving me of fuel and starving me of fuel is not a laughing matter. I want this young turk to know that I am unamused and therefore I shall not laugh and instead comment about how I have heard it before, (if I have not already interrupted him and told the punchline before him) or that it is a sick joke, or it is racist of homophobic so as to gain the moral high ground (who me?!) and cut him down to size. I know that the Lieutenants in this gathering will see that I am unmoved. They will either wait to see if I laugh and follow suit or if they start laughing and see I am not, they will halt their own laughter. They value their positions in the group. Even if others in the group continue to laugh, there is a degree of discomfort since some of us have not laughed and that provides me with the fuel that I want. I have made it about me and wrested the spotlight away from this interloper.
Of course, when I dole out my observations, witty anecdotes and so forth, I am on sparkling form. I will raid the gags which I have heard elsewhere (all part of the trait acquisition) and whilst it is well-recognised that people re-tell other people’s jokes, I will claim to have invented the joke. Often my humour is spur of the moment and is a genuine pithy comment or witty remark which amuses. I truly relish the fuel that arises from doing so. I am able to allow my sparkling repartee and witty badinage to spread its wings so that those with me are howling with laughter.
Similarly, if I am watching a film or a television programme which is a comedy, I do not sit and laugh to myself. What is the point of that? There is no fuel to be gained. Instead, I might remark by text to a friend that there is a good stand-up performance so that he or she replies in a fuelling manner. If I am with somebody and they are laughing at the comedian on the television I am fighting to keep my fury under control. I do not want their attention focussed on this gagmeister on the goggle box, I want them fuelling me. Thus, I will either, dependent on whether I am seducing or devaluing, sit frowning at the television and heckling the performer so that whoever is with me reacts and suggests watching something else or berates me for interrupting, I do not mind so long as the attention switches to me and I am gaining fuel. If it is seduction, I will allow my laughter to issue forth to show that I am a man of humour and that I enjoy watching the same comedy as you. I will also use it as a platform to tell my own jokes so that you laugh with me as well.
Mentioning the issue of laughing with me, I am of course content for you to do so, but I cannot stand to be laughed at. None of my kind can. If you laugh at me rather than with me then this is an almighty criticism and the fury is ignited immediately. We often struggle to contain our fury in such an instance and you will witness us lashing out, storming off or creating a scene in order to bring your mocking laugher to an abrupt halt and switch to annoyance, concern, fear or such like. Anything to stop the burning criticism arising from your laughing at us. We hate it. We have a complete sense of humour failure at being mocked in this manner and it will result in repercussions for those who are laughing at us.
I of course know when laughter is required and I decide whether I shall join in or not. Some of our kind are not as attuned and it takes them a little while before they realise that they should be laughing because the sense of humour is not there. Instead, they must realise that it would be appropriate to laugh and you will witness a pause before the laughter begins. Listen carefully and you will hear that it is hollow. Look to their eyes and you shall see that the eyes do not twinkle with amusement but remain fixed and hollow. This show of humour and amusement is an artifice and is part of the Mask Carousel which we operate.
Finally there are instances however which truly do amuse me and make me laugh. Whereas the supposed humour of others is either rejected or embraced all as part of the need to generate fuel, be it positive or negative and I make a decision as to what it will be rather than an instinctive resplike onse, there are occasions where I will laugh instinctively. Those are occasions where somebody else has suffered a misfortune, especially if it has been caused by me. Schadenfreude is a marvellous device and one which causes me to smile, to laugh and to bellow with laughter. This accords with my perverted sense of humour which arises from gaining delight in the misfortune of others. Whereas with other people’s attempts at humour I have to decide whether I will remain nonplussed or feign hilarity for the sake of drawing fuel and the maintenance of the façade, when I see someone fail because I have hidden a report they need, I either break out into paroxysms of mirth behind my office door or if I know it would not look good to do so in front of the façade, I stifle my amusement and allow it to erupt when I am in the gent’s bathroom or with a lieutenant at lunch later.
The basis for my humour has been repeatedly touched on in my discussions with the good doctors over the past months and they have been interested to learn of this valve-like approach to exhibiting humour. They entirely understand that I use it as another device for the gathering of fuel. They also recognise that my revelling in schadenfreude is related to the streak of sadism which runs through me, but we have discussed the origins of why I operate in this almost staccato like manner when it comes to matters of mirth. It appears that my almost completely regulated approach arises from the fact that I learned under the reign of MatriNarc that laughter was viewed as the voice of a fool and best kept silent. Thus like, as I have learnt and I am learning, much of my development has become warped, the creation of my sense of humour has been affected in much the same way, being seen as a product to be used rather than a natural consequence of matters arising, save for those where I witness the manufactured misery of another.
Some say that if they didn’t laugh they would cry.
I wasn’t allowed the luxury of either.
Thus I turned humour into another weapon; either to charm, to withhold or to belittle.
It really is no laughing matter.
52 thoughts on “Game For A Laugh”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
I found this to be really interesting article HG. So much knowledge to be gained in your articles. It reminded me of the fact that some of the ways in which I found him to be ‘odd’ now make sense because I now see him for what he is.
He can’t abide ‘studio audience’ type laughter, especially ‘canned laughter’ so that rules out most sit coms etc, simply won’t have them on.
When he finds something amusing (often something that most people wouldn’t find *as* amusing, if at all) his laugh becomes a really strange series of sounds like a gibbon whooping, then eventually a really long series of glottal stops (like a child making a slow machine gun noise using just breath, not a voice). This ‘noise’ goes on for far too long….. even if the funny thing was funny in the first place. Odd
On those few occasions when I’ve seen him really laugh, it’s maniacal, and also goes on for a ridiculously long time. Odd
When something witty is said, or a witty story is told, that most people would find highly amusing, the best you could expect would be a non-committal “yes very good”, or an insincere “very funny” Odd
I always found these laughs strange (and often embarrassing) but just accepted it as a quirky thing about him, like the good little empath I am ( I quite like quirky people, not narcissistic ones though! 😉 ). My ‘oddness radar’ has now been adjusted, I’ll still accept individuals oddities I think, but will trust my sense of ‘something’s off about this’ more! Thanks for the insight.
You are welcome PD and yes, once you understand things about us, you can go back and realise what the oddities really were. You described his reactions most effectively and those reactions make perfect sense given what he is.
Mi ex loves movies, he’s watching at least two or three a week, appart of the times he goes with his primary source of the moment or with friends. But I noticed it was like a task he had to do in order not to be alone. He hated to be alone with nothing to distract himself. For him to be bored was like a terrible torture. Im suspecting he knew he had no control over his impulses and that could put him into big trouble but still not sure of this.
Then, now I realized he was also using movies as triangulation or present silent treatment or just as a repertoire to getting fuel, like catching phrases or jokes or a way to study human behaviour.
Elena: So damned true! Between waking and sleeping they must fill in each and every minute with avoiding true isolation. Torture to them to contemplate being in the present with nothing else to hoard and pack into that gaping open cavity that screams, “Don’t leave me, to anything and everything they choose to gorge on in an effort to close the giant fissure into their soul.” They use reversal and they discard because they have discarded themselves a long time ago, Their every action points at the most overwhelming fear of being left totally alone with themselves to be sucked into the giant ever present waiting and greedy void beast’ to devour them through its mouth parts. What they do is what will be their lot and no one can save them, from the void beast. Patient and long waiting the void beast will expand the void microsecond to minute to hour to day to month to year until it takes into its giant mouth every part then regurgitates a little to help feed its colony of young void beasts. Goodbye Narcs after it regurgitates just enough after total engorgement of them and next please Sir N it quietly whispers to itself……plenty available for the void beast.
I was waiting for this article. Thank you HG. My narc never laughs during comedy shows or movies. He laughs out loud however at youtube videos of people being pranked.
HG, you stated:
“… when I see someone fail because I have hidden a report they need, I either break out into paroxysms of mirth behind my office door… ”
You also mentioned gaining fuel frm hiding xmas presents. I very clearly see the child in you demonstrated by this hiding behavior and find this child adorable.
Yep.
Laughing in anticipation of someone’s impending demise.
Quite sad that you have never learned how to let your guard down and have a genuine, hearty laugh… often times, a laugh is the best remedy.
I like humour of the grumpy kind, the sort of humour that reflects upon the absurdities of life. Jack Dee is my favourite. Watch this, and tell me if you cracked a smile! 😀
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0V689seDMjo&w=560&h=315%5D
I didn’t Matilda but I recognise his wit.
oh, noo! 😀 … but nevertheless, thank you for your reply!
Matida- great stuff, the absurdities of life comedians, Our Aussie favourite- some of the language may offend some viewers!
[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3R1J0dAvZ_c&w=560&h=315%5D
I love your humor HG.. I don’t laugh easily but you always strike a cord
😊🙃😊 So glad and appreciative you wrote this! I loved his dry sarcastic wit…and it explains so much. Yes, as I have said, he had the delayed laugh and mask switch. He watched for my laugh to signal his. He preferred humor at the expense of others. I love gallows humor, wit, and some slapstick. It was a main attraction for me with him.
Not totally related, but I have always witnessed this phenomenon of delayed reaction in some that are on the autism spectrum as well. My grandson loves making me laugh so he laughs….it’s adorable. He will sometimes hold my face to look. Intensely. He also loves it when I try to trick him and he catches me….he’ll say “no Nana!” and then bust out laughing because he caught me trying to joke with him. Nothing mean, just little jokes, like saying I rode a flying purple horse once, etc….lol…
So, HG, I am now thinking all my jokes here must be immensely annoying to you lol….thank you for being polite with my smart assery 😉
No your jokes are not annoying at all Indy.
I believe you wrote once that you find the Big Bang Theory entertaining. Do you laugh if you watch the show alone or you can just recognize that the jokes are good but you do not laugh?
You are correct, well remembered. I find the interaction of the characters interesting and I recognise the humour but, as you identify, I do not laugh. If someone was with me, I would do so though and engender the production of fuel.
Are you a fan of “ShAmy” on Big Bang?
I really enjoyed this piece. Very telling.
It’s mind boggling to me the control you exert over even releasing laughter upon hearing or seeing something funny. That when alone, you acknowledge and definitely appreciate humor but only in the presence of others, execute a laugh. That seems so robotic. It’s like a doctor checking a knee jerk reaction. If something is funny, I can’t help but laugh.
I am the polar opposite of you finding other’s misfortunes humorous. For instance I cannot even sit and watch shows like America’s Funniest Videos which 8 times out of 10 are people getting hurt in a fluke accident. I think it’s so mean spirited. I would be tearing up next to you.
No wonder you find it funny when I tell you I’d bonk you in the head with a paper airplane if you were being unruly. Haha
I like Bernadette. That voice is made for fuel and she is a Polish Catholic so major guilt complexes to tap into there. Leslie Winkle is interesting as well as she is to the point. I appreciate the skill of the writing and the character development more than finding it amusing.
I am pleased you enjoyed the article. Yes, I can understand your response but when you have learned to keep something locked away for so long it becomes instinctive to respond in the way I do, just as it is instinctive for you to laugh.
We have a similar programme called You’ve Been Framed and I remember a former IPPS commented once
“You are warped, you laugh hardest at the mishaps that befall children.”
She was right, though of course I disagreed with her at the time.
Bernadette!!!!
Yeah, that voice is killer! A dynamo in a tiny body! She is cool. I liked Big Bang until everyone coupled up officially. I dropped off after that point, I had my ex to deal with…lol
A voice alone can be made for fuel? Lol True about the Polish Catholic guilt complex. I’m Irish / Italian / Polish Catholic. My great grandmother, left her family at 18,from Krakow on a boat and ended up in Cleveland, OH. That’s on my mom’s side.
I can’t watch kids getting hurt.
Also, you say you learned to lock away the release of laughter obviously enforced by MatriNarc. To the majority of mothers, hearing their children’s laughter is like pure joy straight to the heart. It’s as if she begrudged and was even jealous if her kids were happy. Did she have a miserable childhood herself?
She has never spoken about it.
Funny you should say this, my mother finds it hilarious when children are afraid. Ex. Dad hides under kids bed at night and grabs kids leg, kid flips out because he thinks it monster, my mom is laughing so hard she’s crying.
I could never get into this show. And the voice of Bernadette reminds me of some cartoon character from Disney. The sound to my ears is childlike.
That is just weird that you like the sound of it HG? You call it fuel?
Think about how expressive it is, not sound per se. There is not the near monotone delivery that arises from Amy Farrer Fowler, but the potential for shrieking delight, screamed terror and so forth.
Mine ears doth hurt my Lord!
I can’t deal with it. SILENCE!!!!! It is like nails on the chalkboard.
But I will go watch once more and try to listen with the ears of your suggestion. Is there a particular episode you recommend?
Oh the torture!
I suggest you show your devotion by watching an entire series in one sitting Ah OH!
Sure, when I have time!
Ah wait, devotion to you or to the show?
To me Ah Oh, to me.
But isn’t there a way for me to show my devotion without torturing me with a show that I find more irritating then entertaining. I tried 30 minutes of it last night before we departed for the airport. It was the one with the fight over the office.
Please torture me in other ways. I will recite a 1000 times “I am HG’s devotee”
Two Narcs walk into a bar,
No wait that’s one Narc walks into a bar holding a mirror…
Very good.
Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, “Can you smell carrots?”
⛄💙⛄ very cute.
This one went over my head 🙁 I did not get it 🙁
If you’re by yourself, watching an old slapstick comedy team like Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, or The Three Stooges on T.V., – where people are falling, poking each other in the eye, slapping each other in humor – does that make you laugh? Or even crack a smile, HG? 🙂
No.
8/10 cats?
Now now Alexis, you know I have no interest in animals.
I didn’t laugh HG….. ….well….only at you
I’m not laughing now Alexis. But I will be.
And this is where I would debate, do I laugh defiantly or high tail it outta there! (Deliciously scary humor there)
That really did make me laugh HG. I do hope that’s just your sense of humor shining though xx
😘
Cats are hilarious….especially the one that my ex narcissist dumped on me. He is a psychopath cat!!! Well, I guess all cats are a bit psychopath. Probably why I like them. One minute they are purring, next plotting your demise! 😸
He does not think kittens or puppies are cute.
The N I was with laughed at TV etc. In fact belly laughed. .genuinely. but he has many narcissist traits …hence why I finally got off the rollercoaster. . Shame cos I miss the good streaks and the laughter shared
I do not enjoy this humor.
Yes Indy! I allowed my cat to fully embrace his psychopathic traits. He ran the house. When he unleashed his fury I would have to flee to my room and lock the door. He would pace back and forth outside my door growling. Other times he would stalk me – waiting for the right moment to pounce on me. Then there were times he would devalue me by smacking me on the face with his paw. He hated to be touched too. I truly miss him 😪
Now I see why my husband didn’t like n reacted well delayed reaction to comedy shows or stand up we would watch together. If I would laugh then he would says that’s funny but not really laugh. Interesting.
Indeed Nancy.
Yes, it is no laughing matter. I am curious if you believe the things your mother did to you, to enslave you in the snare you are forced to live out of, ever seems wrong to you. Put another way, does your kind ever feel enslaved and if so, do you ever rebel against the “programming” that rules over the real you? Feel free to not answer.
Hello Out of the Ashes, yes, much of what she did was wrong. Am I enslaved? I have always thought no because I do what I want, however I can see now how one would form a view that there is a form of enslavement owing to the reliance on fuel.