Showing Restraint






In some instances, the actions of our kind necessitate the obtaining of an injunction or a restraining order to address certain behaviours. Obtaining one is not always as straight forward as it might appear, though much depends on the type of narcissist that you are dealing with. You can often count on facing a counter-application which is designed to muddy the waters, intimidate you and/or be used as a bargaining chip in order to cause you to drop your own action. The fabrication of evidence in support of our own application can be expected. However, let us assume that you have succeeded in obtaining the injunction or restraining order and there has been no cross-application from us, will we obey the restraining order that you have secured?

Do not think that it is as simple matter of  us evaluating whether we should obey it or not. You must keep in mind that we are entitled to do as we please, when we want, where we want and with whomsoever we choose. This includes you, probably more than anybody. We operate from a position of assumed superiority and we do not recognise or respect any boundaries. The presence of a restraining order is regarded as a terrible and unjustified imposition on our capacity to do what must be done. In order to understand whether we will comply with it, you must understand how it fits into the narcissistic dynamic. This differs dependent on the type of narcissist your order is against.

The Lesser.  The Lesser Narcissist, although he has a lower control threshold, meaning his fury is more prone to erupt, he also has less energy and motivation to embark on a hoover. In such circumstances, whoever it is who has to serve the restraining order is likely to receive the initial backlash as the Lesser’s fury erupts on receipt of this criticism. The provision of such a shackle on his ability to do as he pleases amounts to a considerable criticism. Most process servers will serve the order without providing fuel. The same goes for the judge, if the narcissist has attended court to challenge the application. You can expect an immediate eruption in such circumstances and the Lesser will lash out at those in the vicinity.

Once this fury has abated, will he obey the order? The existence of the order acts to raise the bar rather high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. This makes the prospect of successfully extracting fuel harder and therefore even if there is a Hoover Trigger, the existence of the order means that the criteria is far less likely to be met, you will be left alone and the order will be obeyed. Note how it is not the order per se that causes compliance, but its effects on the Hoover Execution Criteria. That is why it is necessary to understand how a restraining order fits into the narcissistic dynamic.

The circumstances where the Lesser is likely to break a restraining order are: –

  1. If you criticise him and ignite his fury, for instance if you contact the Lesser by telephone. The ignition of fury will mean he will have no regard for the order and come after you in order to seek fuel to deal with the wound you have caused. It may be the case that the Lesser is forbidden from coming near you, but you can still contact him if required (if indeed you actually wanted to); or
  2. You do something which lowers the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria. Thus if the Lesser happens to see you somewhere, perhaps by accident, the presentation of potential fuel in this manner means the criteria will be more readily met, a hoover will take place and the order will be broken.

The Lesser is not concerned with the downside of breaking the order.

The Mid-Range. The Mid-Range narcissist is of all the schools of narcissist most likely to obey the order. This is because his passive aggressive nature does not lend itself to contravening the order, combined with the raising of the HEC bar as described above. You should also note that he has an increased cognitive function so that he is well aware of the downside of contravening the order and the consequent effect on his liberty which will thus in turn hamper his fuel gathering capabilities. If the Mid-Range is going to breach the order, he will do so by utilizing a proxy to approach you on his behalf. This will not be done in any aggressive way, but rather as a pity play beseeching you to stop this unnecessary action and “can we not just talk to one another like reasonable people”. This is a ploy through a third party to cause you to lower your guard so a hoover can be effected and without any consequence. If you agree, the hoover will not be malign, he will seek positive fuel in order to build a bridge to keep coming back for more.

The Greater.  The HEC bar is raised but the Greater has greater energy and cunning to address this adjustment. He also has a greater sense of entitlement. The Greater is well aware how the downside of contravening such an order will have against him. He will know it will impact on his capabilities for gathering fuel and also damage the façade. He is however driven and regards the appearance of such an order as a challenge for him to flex his cunning and manipulative muscles. The Greater will not be able to resist the opportunity for game-playing but will do so in a manner which minimises risk to him. He will have the arrogance to assume he will not be caught, but lack the stupidity to blindly contravene it. Instead, he will utilize all manner of tactics to breach the order but through others with no link to him, he will rely on plausible deniability and the threat of breaching it, to cause consternation on the part of the victim. The Greater will not want to suffer the downside, he is wary of this, he does not want his standing to be affected by it and the effect it will have on his carefully constructed façade, but the temptation of the fuel and the desire to win, by outsmarting the order will usually prove too great. If there is a trigger and the HEC is met, the Greater will hoover but will do so in a clever manner. There will be no crass and blunt weapon involved. He will aim to breach it, but through clever manipulation, the use of others and the complete avoidance of repercussions for him.

8 thoughts on “Showing Restraint

  1. Bethany says:

    My ex got his new source to get a peace order against me, for informing her we are still married. Since I’m in another state they did not expect me or expect me to get an attorney. Shocked doesn’t begin to describe her face when he had to testify that he was in fact married. He was also left in shock over all the evidence I entered into court forcing him to admit his lies in open court and in front of her.
    The order did go through, but is on appeal, but it wasn’t about winning, it was more about making the truth heard.
    Any thoughts HG on what could have been going through his mind during and after? And since we are cross country from each other, what retaliation am I in for? He’s military (about to be discharged for theft and substance abuse) so he is bound more than a civilian for another month or so. And her…wow can she really get past being called an adulterer by a judge in a court full of laughing onlookers??

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You will have wounded him through this attack on his perceived superiority. This will have ignited his fury. He sounds like he may be a Lesser from the brief details provided and therefore he probably took it out on her on someone else thereafter to gain fuel. I suspect the likelihood of retaliation will be low unless you bring it up again to him and then he will lash out at you. Otherwise, since he is probably a Lesser he will have focused on something else. As for her, she will be ashamed and embarrassed by the revelation.

  2. Aimee says:

    I had a protection from abuse (PFA) order against mine and he still harassed me. He used the nontraceable phone and wore gloves to avoid fingerprints on his mail threats. Did he really think that was deniable? As if I just happened to have two stalkers at the same time. There was enough other evidence that he got convicted.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      More than likely Aimee, it forms part of the concept of entitlement and a lack of culpability for our actions.

      1. Aimee says:

        Thank you for your reply. I see how in that case the grandiosity was really a delusion.

  3. Luckily, My ex never did anything to warrant a restraining order.

  4. kate says:

    Here is a nice twist… The new supply got a ppo against me because I wrote her a letter telling her all about him. I guess she didn’t want to hear the truth and now he can hide behind her.

    1. Star says:

      That is common ground, not really a twist. More evidence of the disorder. Do not be fooled, he has skillfully tarnished your reputation as the “crazy, obsessed B ” all along. Fools will be fooled, liars believe liars. Be grateful you were smart enough to escape. Dust off and raise the bar. No one of sound mind would be so cruel in the name of love. #timesup, #metoo, #karma

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Next article