There once was a girlfriend of mine called Lesley. My preferred method of gathering fuel from her and also manipulating her was to call her It. This was extremely demeaning and in line with my worldview that people are just objects and appliances to do things for me. You may be an admiring appliance, you may be an accommodating appliance and run around for me. Alternatively you may be an enabling appliance providing me with what I want. A person is an appliance is an object. I was able to reinforce this especially with Lesley. I did not do it all the time. This would have diluted its effect. I would however be consistent in its application however. In some respects it was a half-way house to the Silent Treatment as I was not acknowledging her completely, I was belittling her but not quite ignoring her totally. The fact I was talking about her made her feel as if she had to respond and thus I got what I was looking for; a reaction.

I would start first thing in the morning. As ever, I was awake first as I had had a refreshing night’s sleep, the sleep of the just. She had probably lay awake for a few hours after I turned my back on her when she wanted to make love. She knew better than to pester me though. As I lay on my elbow looking at her freckled face, she would blink into wakefulness. Her blue eyes would meet mine and I would see the hope surge in them as she knew I was looking at her.

“Ah,it is awake,” I would  smile maintaining my gaze. The hope immediately became crushed and although she tried to hide it, I could see my blow had landed.

“Oh don’t do that please, it is horrible,” she would say pleasantly.

“It seems to have something to say. It always has,” I would remark. She would shake her head.

“Please, stop it, you know I don’t like it when you do that.”

“It wants us to stop. It always wants its own way.”

“No I don’t.”

“It is getting annoyed now. It is always loses its temper.”

“Pack it in.” She would rise from the bed and make for the shower. I would hover nearby and give a running commentary.

“It is washing itself using the shower gel we bought for it. It likes to smell nice.”

“It is washing its hair now. It is trying to wash the guilt away. It reeks of it.”

Lesley would try to ignore the comments but I knew from her sighs and the slumping of the shoulders it was getting to her. Having subjected her to maybe fifteen minutes of commenting on what she was doing, I shifted the tack and began to use this technique in a more suggestive fashion.

“It ought to wear a pencil skirt and blouse today. It does not want to look too sloppy even if it is a Friday.”

Lesley would pick out the suggested outfit. I knew why she did it. She felt that by making this suggestion, even though I was still calling her it, it showed I was interested in her and she lapped it up. She completely missed that this was what I wanted her to do for me and was nothing to do with being interested in her.

“It really ought to cook breakfast as we must not go hungry.”

“It would do well to ensure the shopping is done before we return this evening.”

“It should remember we are going out tonight and it is not invited.”

She would depart for work, bristling but not wanting to escalate matters. My technique would continue through the day. I would telephone her and ask,

“Is it busy?”

“Yes I am, so now you are talking to me are you?”

“It wants to know if we are talking to it. Now we are not.” I would put the phone down.

By evening she would be pleading with me to stop it, tears welling in her eyes. Lesley had had enough of my objectification which was sustained and cutting through out the day. As I picked up my wallet in readiness to heading out with my friends, without her, I would turn and say,

“I am going out now. I will see you later.”

The smile that erupted across her face was immense as I had dropped the It commentary.

“Okay, have a good time,” she would answer pleasantly.

“I will. Bye Karen.”

I never looked over my shoulder but I knew how using the wrong name would hurt her.

Learn more about how the narcissist is manipulating you. Knowledge is power.







  1. For clarification, I meant that people who allow themselves to be called “It” or to be treated in this manner are pathetic and have no self-respect. Also, the people who I know and see who are with “Its” also appear to me to have no self-respect.

    I do not understand what either is doing.

  2. Pathetic.

    No self-respect.

    A name that I call a repulsive blob that I have the misfortune of knowing is “It”. She is so gross and full of herself. The fact that he is with her makes him disgusting to me, too.

    HG, please tell me why someone like you would want to be with a gross blob that is an “It”?

      1. HG
        I am aware of the fact that we don’t know all of the facts about Lesley to form an accurate view. But it is specifically her case where I, admittedly due to my limited knowledge, fail to understand or even imagine what on earth could have compensated her behaviour towards your brother who was in such vulnerable state and still identify her as an empath. It was heartbreaking and devastating to read. I am not saying that empathic people or empaths are not capable of doing bad things once in a while – it would be idealistic, ignorant and hightly unfair to think otherwise. I understand your ulteriour motive was to teach her a lesson. But still I would be interested to know what those empathic traits are you are referring to in the specific case of Lesley that could have marked her as an empath. Perhaps I am projecting a bit too much from personal experience but I know that there have been people in the past who have shown similar behaviours and thus a considerable and quite breathtaking lack of empathy and compassion towards a loved one of mine. That is why I fail to see empathic traits in people who have engaged in similar behaviours towards other people who are suffering from a condition and are in obvious and dire need of help and understanding. I apologize for showing such candour without having all of the relevant facts – since we are talking so much about empathy, I just want to better understand.

        Did Leslie ever show true remorse or guilt for the fact she belittled and humiliated your brother? Or did she genuinely apologise for her behaviour? 

      2. Thank you, HG!

        “Sitting Target” is one of your books and not an article – is that correct?

        The target of “It” has some traits that would make him a target. “It” has nothing to offer anyone or anything and appears to me as something nasty pulled from a clogged drain. Sorry for that visual..

      1. But it is not outlined what lesley in fact did to your brother. However, whatever it was, it must have been unforgiveable. Why did you think lesley was an empath? Was it an error of judgement? But u would not admit to making errors now would you?
        HG, i’ve stated this in a previous post a few months ago. Those who you claim are so generous and giving ie. empaths, is itself questionable. How many so-called ’empaths’ have their aging, ailing, infirm, possibly bedridden or wheelchair bound parents living with them?
        It is inconvenient to build a ramp into the home isn’t it? The home is too small right? Adjustments can be made if care and compassion are present. Imo every child owes it to their parents to care for them in old age, just like the parents did when the children were young (unless of course your parents abused you).

        The amount of elder abuse in nursing homes is sickening and inhumane. These are the ’empaths’ and normals, who willingly admit their parents there, justifying it as the need for 24 hr care. Sometimes the parents themselves wish to be admitted, so as not to be a ‘burden’ on the family. Try talking to them sincerely and explain to them that not only are they not a burden, they will contribute to the family dynamics. I have seen this approach to be affective many times.
        I have volunteered in nursing homes and trust me, elders do not receive 24 hr care. They are left waiting in need, distress, or pain, and when finally attended to, it is often by an irritable staff member.
        Want to find a real empath? Look for one who refuses to admit their parents into a nursing home, no matter how many adjustments they may have to make, eg. change their work schedule, hire a sitter, spend wisely so that money is less of a problem, sell your house if it comes to that, so you do not have to pay mortgage, property tax etc. Rent instead. People make such adjustments when they have babies, so why can they not do it at this juncture in life?
        I literally cry after walking out of a nursing home. Our society is becoming more focussed on what serves the self, what is convenient for the self, and what brings the self happiness and joy. It saddens me.

      2. Ptsdafternarcabuse, scroll up in this blog’s comment section for the location of the paragraph in question, read, and you will understand why she was dealt with in this manner…

        1. Matilda, thx. I found it and read it. Lesley was heartless, cold, impolite, callous, ruthless, uncivil, merciless. I cannot understand how anyone cannot show compassion for those in a vulnerable or weakened state – children, the elderly, the disadvantaged, the disabled, the impaired, the homeless, the sick, the underpriveleged, domesticated animals at our behest, etc.
          I am glad HG gave her a taste of her own medicine, considering the way she mocked lennox. HG, why didn’t you write about this in your article? It is important for us to know. It does make a difference to us if we know the background and history.
          I do believe that pple should get a taste of their own medicine, if it is a heartless and cruel behavior they are exhibiting, otherwise they will never learn how it may feel.
          I do not think this way abt all pple though eg. narcs who lack empathy due to no fault of their own, and who have involuntarily developed that way due to their own horrific childhood abuse etc.

          1. But we will only know what you tell us. We assume you are telling us everything we need to know abt the particular situation. Perhaps we should ask more questions before forming an opinion.
            I have had similar experience on this blog. I only post comments related to the article and not my whole story, and sometimes it gets misinterpreted or judged.

      3. PTSD, I understand where you are coming from. I’ve taken care of my family my whole life. I had to be the adult from childhood and worked since I was 14. I ensure they have a roof over their head and I pay the bills. Will I take care of them when they no longer are able to take care of themselves? Absolutely! However, living with them as an adult was a special slice of hell. A prison I never wish to go back to.
        I have honor and will do my utmost to ensure my families comfort and care yet I cannot live with them again.

        1. Love, you are a kind soul – paying their bills, supporting your family frm a young age. As long as they’re not alone, and as long as they are not in an ‘institution’ and are living with other relatives etc. they will hopefully be well. My prayers to all our parents and grandparents.

  3. For those sitting on their high horse of Empathic judgement of HGs post IT:
    I dare you to read the book Elated and Eroded and then ask yourself if you feel the same after. There will be those who will stubbornly stick to their original statements of scorn, and some who will say: well now, I didn’t know that! That changes things a bit. The action will not have changed-only the way you view it. So then, is it only the Empath who can decide who is the victim? And what punishment and severity is appropriate? I daresay if she (IT) did to your son what she (IT) did to his brother, you would see this in a different light. I could only hope to have such a brother (or son) as HG to make her answer for what she did to spare me from having to destroy her myself.

      1. I said the same thing when I read the book EB. Mr. Tudor said that she had empathic traits. I suppose enough fuel to react when goaded.

        1. @Love,
          Maybe she was what authors Jane and Tim McGregor call an ‘Apath‘ (sociopathic apathetic). They show lack of concern and are indifferent to targeted individuals. From my experience, they do show empathy but it is fake empathy.
          Showing empathy and feeling empathetic are two different things. A GP once told me there were special training courses for physicians. They learn to ‘act empathetic’ until it looks real.

          1. E.B and LOVE
            Oh she deserved a label, but the one I had for her I wouldn’t put in print here so I’ll go with Sociopathic Bitch. Bitch got schooled. Now her label is Vapourized. That HG could stomach her (and collect fuel-how efficient is that?!) while carefully and slowly executing his plan for her is testament to the fact that he is worthy of the title Greater. I feel powerfully fuelled just thinking about it.

            See this is where I have confusion about whether I’m an Empath or Sociopath because I feel strongly for his brother but I feel such delight in the thought of her being emotionally obliterated for what she did.

          2. NarcAngel,
            I was very sorry to read about what happened to Lennox too. I do not feel any empathy for Lesley. In my opinion, she got what she deserved (some of her own medicine).
            Justice is very important, especially in those circumstances when people cannot speak up for themselves.

      2. Great point EB. I work in healthcare and yes, our best and brightest do struggle with empathy.
        Mr. Tudor, can you detect fake empathy? Or is fuel just fuel? Be it real or synthetic.

    1. I agree, NarcAngel. That is why it’s so important to know the *truth* of the matter before making a judgement or deciding on a course of action.

      Truth, of course, is subjective. Ideally, we would hear the accounts of all involved… but in this case, the chain of events paints a very clear picture.

      1. MATILDA
        Very true about havings facts and judgement. You can only go with what you have at the time but you should always leave room for additional and/or information that was left out or misinterpreted. Then you must be big enough to be able to accept it and possibly change your original stance. My post is of course based on the information I currently have and from one source.

      2. I agree, NarcAngel. New evidence/information must always be taken into account, it’s a matter of decency and fairness.

  4. LOVE

    Details details!! Quit pissing in my cornflakes! lol. Someone on here has already advised under some delusion that basically women my age look like one of those Italian salamis in a net bag and HG would not want that so apparently I have no hope to be in it. Sigh. But a girl can dream.

    1. Lol NarcAngel, many an artist have waxed poetic about their appreciation for womanly curves. Since I’m quoting all the greats today, Kiss once said “The bigger the cushion, the better the pushin”. So your salami in a net bag is definitely in demand.
      Btw, isn’t that analogy used for a man’s anatomy and not a female’s?
      You need to set up a year long sex ed class for me. The remedial program please 😉

      1. LOVE
        I don’t look like a salami in a net bag lol. It was just someone elses belief (they said fact) that woman my age have excess flesh and would not be attractive to HG. Guess we’ll never know, but maybe he’s got a geriatric chapter in the scrapbook. Kiss fan eh? I’m more of a Crazy Bitch (Buckcherry) or Shake That (Eminem) girl lol.

      2. OMG NarcAngel! I just had a flashback about my psychopath! His fetish was women wearing extra tight fishnet stockings. So I get the meaning of salami in a net bag now!!! Wow, this forum is like a hypnotherapy session. I guess I black out my ex weirdos’ kinks.

  5. A bit off topic but in reference to a reply…what are your thoughts on fellow narcissist sam vaknin if youre able to give any. Thanks 🙂

    1. I know of him, he clearly has a reputation in the field of narcissism and I have looked at a little of his material and he approaches it in a scientific manner which is to be expected given that he is an academic. I’m not an academic so I approach it in a different way. I did notice in the comments on a couple of my YouTube videos that a couple of people thought I was him which I found odd. We write differently and sound worlds apart.

      1. Ty for your thoughts on this. I do find you both very different in your approach which imo is good to have diversity. Both of you offer great information on narcissism. I do enjoy your fun angle as well. Its refreshing to see with a topic thats not usually a happy one.

      2. Hello HG, as far as I know, Sam Vaknin is not an academic. He writes in his disclaimer he is not a mental professional either. He wrote he has passed the (Brainbench) Counseling Techniques assessment. Brainbench is an independent certification online company providing tests in different areas such as finance, IT, health care, etc.
        I have read several of his articles and have watched some of his videos in the past but they did not help me as much as I wished. He also reports having IQ of 180 and I feel that he is not telling the truth about it. Maybe I am wrong but I feel that I cannot trust him.

        In my opinion, your approach is very different from Vaknin’s and from other authors writing about the subject. There is no comparison. Besides, you are not only open and sincere about yourself in your blog and in your writings but you are also telling the truth about narcissists’ way of thinking and behaving and you are giving us the tools to protect us efficiently. I wished you had started writing years ago so I would not have suffered as much as I did.
        Your work is unique worldwide.

        1. Thank you for your kind words EB and for the clarification concerning SV. Yes, I think it was Indy the Marcher (henceforth as she will be known) who passed comment on the IQ claim, I suppose it depends on the scale used or it is an exaggeration.

      3. HG
        Re: S.V
        He’s as dry as a Nuns fart. I flat-lined a couple of times in just one video. Same effect his writing. Then I came across your site. Sigh. Brutally blunt, informative, humourous, empowering you. Home.

      4. I’ve read somewhere that he did not classify as a narcissist in the test by aaah whats-his-name, that American psychologist who started to work with psychopaths …
        However, his was the first source I had about narcissism, explaining to me what my ex-narc is, so it’s valid, too. Kind of totally devoid of emotion.
        IQ doesn’t say much about EQ and everything else, it’s tested in a very narrow-minded way – according to standard ways of thinking, problem solving, and “knowledge” as taught in the current system. Mine is supposed to be 160, so why not …*lol*

        But, yes, absolutely, HG, your work is unique and …. intriguing.

      5. P.S.: I wish I was efficient, this blog is keeping me dying of boredom while I’m trying to finish some work …

  6. Strange irony, I began to call the narcissist “it” because, well, he has no identity of his own, no personality of his own, only lying lips and a fantasy mind, like an appliance that needs a power source. Yes, it is a pest, and whenever it talks you know it is lying. It really is a shame. It’s words have no effect after awhile, none whatsoever. Caling

    1. I hit the button send by accident, too soon, I wasn’t finished with my comment. Calling it by what it is makes it easier to see the reality of what it truly is in your life, the intention of it. The narcissist always projects, but when the victim awakens she is face to face with reality — it.

  7. Hello, HG. I am relatively new to your work. I have not read your books. I do not understand something: a psycho narc has no interest in helping anyone in any way – so how is it that you are willing to benevolently invest so much of yourself to help all these “victims” of your “brethren”?

    While you are obviously a very sick puppy, (who enjoys torturing thier girlfriend in this way????), there is HUGE contradiction between the exposure of yourself in content, and the presumed purpose of your work. What gives? What are the pay-offs? Why are you REALLY doing this? – book sale promotions? (We know it isn’t because you give a shit about anybody who is being or has been harmed by a narc! That is blatently clear!)

    Also, what do you get out of calling her IT. Don’t say “fuel” – explain it to me, please!

    1. Hello Jane, this work is part of my treatment which I am undergoing to achieve aims of my own. If I did not agree it would have led to me losing out financially and having certain intrusions into my life which I would prefer not to have getting in the way. There is no benevolence on my part. I enjoy writing. I like an audience. I gain some fuel, not a lot, but some from the process. I find it appealing to weaponise empaths to go into battle against my kind as to set up such a confrontation on a large and world wide scale is in accordance with my stature. You are correct I do not care about anybody, regular readers know that to be the case. I also want to be the number one source for understanding how we function. Top of the tree. Number fucking one.

      Calling her it? Well clearly fuel. Her emotional response – hurt and upset – equates to fuel which is what I want and need. It allows the exertion of control. It also formed part of punishing her for her transgressions.

      1. Mr. Tudor, does it anger you that one of your very devoted fans and avid pupils (ME) is stubborn, refuses to arm herself with these weapons, and is still going around passing out her fuel like beads at Mardi Gras to every Tim, Dick, Joe narc out there?

  8. That is sheer disrespect. I cannot do this to anyone. It was extremely hard for me to even read it. How sadistic a narcissist can be to an individual whose fault is just being in love with a monster.

  9. Has Martrinarc singled out any of your siblings to play the SG role, HG? If so, how does she refer to him/her when she is objectifying them?

  10. My narcissistic mother used to refer to me as „That One“ when she talked to relatives and acquaintances about me. She really enjoyed speaking despairingly about me and did it on a daily basis, at least two and half hours a day on the phone. No hobbies, no interests. I did not show any emotion and ignored her. “That one (over there)” does not make sense and it is grammatically wrong the way she used it.
    With the knowledge I have now and if she were alive today, I would tell her what I thought about her: “You are an ignorant, callous person with a hollow mind and an empty life.”(in a neutral tone).

  11. I’m very feisty so my narc wouldn’t get away with calling me IT.

    I would call him THAT!

    I’m stubborn too so I would keep it up.

    He knows this too. lol

      1. This narc is family. They correct me when I say “I”, telling me to say “we” instead, because apparently we are one. I have no identity.

  12. LoL. That is rather amusing. I think that is what I like about you creatures. The audacity!! It truly boggles the mind. And being a curious type, frightfully bored with social mores and inane platitudes, this behaviour is akin to seeing a new rare animal at the zoo. But I must say that this is why women who insist on being entangled with this vicious species must be highly adept at some sort of martial art. Because I must say, there is but one response worthy of such nonsense, and that is a thorough hiding.

  13. I remember reading about using the wrong name for a person before in one of your books.

    The MN tried this in me a couple of times during devaluation. I remember saying how flattered I was to be called by this other girls name as she was a few years younger than me and equally attractive. He didn’t try it again.

    I did it back to him though some time later and wow! I could see the fury bubbling under his skin!

  14. If IT had spoke to me like that, the image of Goulim from Lord of the Rings would’ve popped in my head alot, and IT wouldn’t have gotten to far. But, i do get the using of names, the N would stop calling me ‘love’ or addressing me as such, and thats when i knew he was devaluing me, even though he said it meant nothing and he really just loved my real name. That was crap, cause he had only ever called me by my real name to scold me. He knew after a bit, that like your g.f i would be elated to have my title of ‘love’ back, it meant we were ok. Stupid me, i trained him on how to use that tool. I should’ve paid no mind to it, but ive always been sensitive to word usage, especially with him because it reflected the things he heard or thought. It seemed he never had his own personalty and was a sponge that wipped other’s personalities up.

  15. Incredulous. completely void of respect for fellow human. …,is all I can say here about this here. My respect on your awareness and openness will not change of your work Mister H.G. Tudor.
    Narc I knew didn’t use this tactic on me . , but ones similarly evil and full blown-Narc of narc badness < A different type of human I'll never fully grasp as to why other fellow human must be objectified as so. Mine would pretend he didn't know who I was when when I would text ..say ..every three months or so asking if anyone had made him look at bad as he made me felt. I doubt many others, if any, had used that line ..of which he still insisted to not know who I was lol.

  16. In an early post you wrote about meeting her for lunch years later. Your “gift” for her was a Blu-ray version of Stephen King’s ‘It’. Quite callous of you. Yet you also mentioned that she had hurt your brother, so, I was wondering who the culprit was in this case. Have you ever written about what happened?

      1. I found the paragraph. You were right in that case: what she did can never be forgiven!! Your brother sounds like a beautiful soul, I wish him every happiness 🙂

      2. That made me laugh, Cara. It’s a pity that your father has never stood up to the dragon he allowed into his life…

      3. It is part of HG’s book ‘Elated and Eroded’, Anna Belle Black. You can find that specific paragraph included in the ‘Look inside’ – preview on Amazon.

      4. It’s not my fault that this part is included in the preview, HG! 😀 If anything, it will increase sales, so, a ‘Thank you, Matilda’ would not go amiss now! [nah, I’m just kidding!]

  17. Very objectifying. My fav line from Silence (and one I say quietly when I am mocking someone or right before I take them down, say at a meeting): It rubs the lotion on it’s skin. Everyone around me knows what it means and I love the quiet reaction and tension it causes.

      1. JAR
        It makes sense if you saw Silence of the Lambs and you know me. Sue me for the mistake, its hard to thrive in school when your life and sleep was controlled by an extremely violent Narc. Im glad your child now has a shot at excelling in school.

  18. Do you ever worry about one of your supply snapping and ending you? I think my narc did. He would pull similar stunts but I had no problem throwing the shit back at him. Oh you want to play a game? Let us see who can cheat best…he didn’t like that. How do you know when you have pushed far enough and a psychotic break is imminent? Mine pushed too far one day and he got the wrath, complete with death threats and my trying to run him over in the middle of the street. He had seen my demons come out to play before but never at that level. He looked terrified and came straight home, collected all his shit off the front porch and left peacefully. He has tried hoovers since then along with death threats and various other histrionics that I have mostly ignored. I am 40 days free and 6 days nc as of today. I have no doubt that I could have killed him that day. Easily and with little remorse. I am an empath but some of us have demons too.

    1. No I don’t worry about that.
      One can never know for sure whether someone has been pushed too far, one gets a ‘feel’ for these things over time, but it is never precise.
      I don’t doubt there are those who may well lash out.

    2. Katanon, you are not alone. I am the same. My narc told me one day he would never wanted to have me as his enemy since I am a very scary individual. He have seen me couple of times when I was fighting for survival. I am ruthless. My empathy switches on and off. Anyway empaths are not so easy to understand and I feel sometimes that HG generalizes and puts us all in same buckets. Some of us are sweet and can be nasty too. I am one of them. I can be scary like hell if I want to and I have a face of angel. Nobody would expect what I am capable to say or do if I am wounded or attacked.

      1. It is the nature of the beast BAB1 that there has to be generalisations otherwise I would never stop writing. I do accept there are exceptions and anomalies and therefore not everything i write will apply to everybody, but does apply to the majority. People can see the themes which develop.

        1. OK. I realize that you see the differences but I do not think you would select people like me as your victim. So narcs makes mistake in their judgments sometimes I assume. I had one relationship with narc that I initiated as I wanted to help the guy who seemed to be so depressed after his wife had enough and decided to get out . I did valunteer, stupid me as a friend and he tried to suck me dry. We empaths can also hide our dark sides pretty well. I am sure you know it.

  19. I heard form mine: ” you are very smart for a woman”. The guy was a real charmer. Ugh.

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