Why Make It So Difficult?



You will have silently asked yourself this question many times. You will have asked it of friends and family as you recount the latest confusing bout of behaviour from us. You may even go so far as to ask us why we make everything so difficult. Your confusion stems from several places. First of all, life really ought to be a bowl of cherries and straight forward. You have a good house, two cars on the drive, you get to go on holiday, there are no real concerns about the bills, the jobs seem safe. You are not rich but you are in a fortunate position. Everybody in the family enjoys good health, you have two wonderful children and extended family are supportive and play a part in your life. You once got along famously, brilliantly, a complete match made in heaven which shows that it can be done and therefore that suggests, does it not, that this can be resurrected and returned to, if only he wanted to and tried to do it. Going beyond this you give everything to the relationship. You have not changed. You remain devoted, loving, working hard for the family unit both in the office and at home. You make our meals, you suggest days out, you attend to the laundry and the housework with little assistance in return. You know that you give more of yourself to us, emotionally and in terms of dedication to the concept of our relationship and the family and truth be told you do not begrudge doing so. You have always been a giver and you derive pleasure in seeing other people content and happy knowing that you have played a part in it. Whilst it would be lovely to receive some affection from time to time you could live without it, if you are completely honest, if only we did not make everything so difficult.

You cannot understand why we make life so hard. There is nothing to be upset or concerned about. Indeed, with your tolerance and giving nature, we have surely landed on our feet. Your friends tell you that given everything you do for us we ought to drop to our knees and worship you when you come through the door in the evening. You laugh at such suggestions, since you are far too modest, but inside you do wish that there could be some acknowledgement, some thanks for everything you do. It does not have to be reciprocated, you are content with that role, but if only we would accept this massive advantage that we have and not spoil things, cause arguments and bring discord when there really is no need. You could understand it if you actually did something wrong but you do not, you know you don’t. From time to time you do find yourself analysing what you do and wondering if perhaps it is you that causes these sudden mood-swings, the lashing out, the sulking silences and the irritation. Once in a while you think you might have done something wrong and you apologise and make amends, not that it seems to get you anywhere. At times you think you would be better off if you came in drunk, kicked the dog and demanded that we make you something to eat before falling asleep in front of the television. Perhaps if you came in full of thunder and gave us a slap we might respect you more, because it seems that your dedication and subservience get you none. This thought tumbles through your mind often but you know you could not behave like that, because it is not you, but it does make you wonder what you need to do to gain our respect, our interest and our love once again, like it once was.

You cannot understand why someone would choose to be so difficult and so often. We have every advantage. Why not be content with that and life a wonderful life with a delightful family and doting spouse? Surely that is far easier than causing chaos, pandemonium and upset? Not only do these storms come out of nowhere, you just cannot understand why someone would behave like that towards someone that we supposedly love and care about. It makes no sense, no sense whatsoever, but you are not going to give up. You are not a quitter. You will work out what it is and then make the appropriate changes so that life really is a bed of roses.

How often have you felt this way? Many times I should imagine. It is extraordinary and unbelievable that we almost choose a life of conflict over what could be a peaceful and enjoyable life. This makes no sense to you at all. The fact is that we do not choose to cause confusion and chaos, we have to. Admittedly, we choose the degree and extent, the Greater of our kind doling out particularly savage and heinous machinations which increase the pain and misery, but all of us, whether Lesser, Mid-Range of Greater do not choose a life of conflict with you, our intimate partner, it has to happen.

          We need to create drama because we feed off the emotional output generated by you in response to that drama and this provides us with fuel. It has gone beyond the point where we could rely on your admiration, love and affection, that has become stale although we do not dismiss it out of hand. In order to make that admiration, love and affection seem shiny and new (if only for a short while) we must create the drama, the downside and the conflict in order so there is a contrast. This contrast will allow us to reinstate our “good side”, the golden period and things will seem wonderful for a period of time but then the stale sensation returns once again. Thus the conflict must be resumed. You have no control over this. No matter how hard you try to please us, to accommodate us and to do the things that we like, this unquenchable need for fuel means that the roller coaster will not stop. There is often no logic to it, from your perspective. You may notice certain behaviours which tell you that the storm is about to be unleashed but often you will not know. This is because what triggers the storm is the ignition of our fury which is caused by your criticism of us. Those criticisms are usually more likely to be perceived by us than actual on your behalf and this means you will always struggle to identify them. Believe me, a simple “Hello, how are you?” can trigger the storm. In our world we regard this simple and pleasant greeting as unnecessary questioning and the suggestion that there is something wrong. If there is something wrong, then that is a criticism. This is why we seem to erupt over “nothing”. It is nothing in your world but in ours there has been a criticism and this ignites our fury with the resulting shouting, nastiness, sulking and silent treatments. There is no pattern to this behaviour. Once cannot say it is three weeks good one week bad. You may have months of the reinstated golden period before another tornado tears through your life. It may be a succession of tornadoes each and every single day for a month. It will always leave you confused and bewildered as to why we behave this way when there is so much good in our lives, so much to enjoy and look forward. As ever this is because you are looking at the world from your perspective. From ours it is vastly different. We do not choose to make life difficult, we have to.

24 thoughts on “Why Make It So Difficult?

  1. MsSevyn says:

    He said he was happy in the chaos. “I’m happiest when the wind is blowing”. He liked living as if his finger was in the electric socket. When his ex was ignoring him, he’d reach out and stir her up for a reaction.

  2. Does karma always elude a narcissist? My ex has fucked me over so hard in many ways, I go in an out of wanting her to feel the wrath. I do not wish harm or bad things upon anyone, but sometimes I wish she had a taste of her own medicine. The only thing she cares about is money…. therefore her job as a police officer, her huge house, and her cars/toys are what keep her “happy”.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Many people talk about karma and labour under two considerable misunderstandings :-

      1. Karmas is a concept where what you do in this life affects what happens to you in the NEXT life. People think it means what goes around comes around in the same life; and

      2. It is a concept with no scientific basis that it is real.

      1. ava101 says:

        There is always the eternal law of cause and effect in operation. Whenever you cause the wheel of action to turn, the energy you put into this must go somewhere and return somehow as there is always the same amount of energy in the Universe (according to Einstein).
        Karma is Sanskrit for “action”: what you are doing here with this blog is “‘karma yoga”. It is not only about the next life.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed. I provoke; in return I gain fuel.

      2. ava101 says:

        Exactly. (…)

      3. ava101 says:

        HG? When you decide to do something, such as creating a blog or writing a book: are you ever hindered by doubts before you do it? Do you just go into action?? Do you plan long term?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No doubts. Some things are planned long term, yes.

      4. Vashti says:

        You DO receive Karma for your actions in the same life thee actions are made.

        By the way, are you’re telling your “secrets” willingly ? – Putting so much daily “effort” of your passion of amazing ‘story time’ acting and literature at such a generous cost… A cost with non – boring quality (I love reading) of the knowlegde and entertainment you provide.. – Or is it as you’ve said, to avoid going to trial and avoid further investigation ? I mean really, WHY ARE YOU EVEN COMPROMISING? Aren’t you at Greater Narcissist ? Karma much…?

        – And with all this being said Gee … I believe you gain the narcissitic fuel you admit to with the narcissitic traits you claim have helped you through out the entirety of your life thus far, but I suppose not so much that you have to deal with so called “professionals” that are only self claiming psychiatrist (and maybe they are professionals, but by the inapproproate behavior you said of them amongst other things they’re not), sell your “secrets” for next to nothing, and avoid dealing with the courts when as a Greater Narcissist, court and the process of trial should be of the JUCIEST, of ALL FUEL… Because just HOW, can you instead provide the information you do which only further eliminates your fuel, you believe is the perseverance of the very life of you ? You can’t. You’re a very pragmatic person Gee. So, I know you understand that this is illogical of you…

        But are you seeking relief … The relief of something else… And speaking of karma, FROM somewhere else…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There is no compromise. I play the long firm approach.

    2. ava101 says:

      I kept thinking this, too, until I realized that they are chained in their own hell already.

  3. All Done says:

    HG…I’m sorry should have proof read…😲

  4. All Done says:

    Hello HD, it’s been awhile since I posted…my question is this, firstly I know you said before that you are becoming “aware” of just how much you are hurting us..and I’m glad you are “maybe” staring see the destruction your kind cause to us and the children. Realiting to a post from me earlier, I spoke of how I did a genegoly report on my exs fathers side, several of his ansestors grandmothers were sent to mental hospitals, are there any women in your “wake” that have went over the edge? and if so, what does that do for you? Fuel? Or maybe you went to far and pushed to much to break them. I know you say that that’s not your kinds plan…however many women and children never recover…and it’s a Shit show for the rest of their/our lives.. what are your thoughts? Also my ex has not been calling texting and driving by anymore I have NOT answered his calls or even opened his text..and haven’t spoke with him in a 2 months (no fuel whatsoever) The last time I spoke with him, he heavily played the projection card, and I stayed calm and just said ” if that’s what you need to do to make yourself feel better, then so be it, but we both know the truth.” So am I completely discarded?? Please say yes.. lol…

  5. Ollie says:

    This describes exactly how it was in my world for so long. No matter how good it was in my eyes, it wasn’t in his, he always needed more, something else, something different, something to complain about, something bigger, more drama, more chaos, all the while missing out on and appreciating all what was right in front of him. I’ve never seen anybody so restless all the time, it wasn’t a day here or there, it was months and years on end, and I sooo haven’t missed that since I kicked him out. It’s still unbelievable to me when asked how his day was or how he was, that that was perceived as criticism. So I stopped calling him at work, I stopped making his dinner, i stopped waiting for him to come home late at night, I basically stopped caring because everything was one big rejection anyways. In retrospect it was all just so stupid and I can’t believe I stuck it out for so long!
    Sorry, HG, this is just me venting. Your writing just brings back so many memories… Thank you again for your insight.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Feel free.

    2. I think I said “Nothing is ever enough for you” at least a million times in the year and a half I was with him. And truly, nothing ever will be enough for him. I sometimes pity him. He appears to me as a caged, terrified animal now. As an empath that is what I feel from him when he tried to contact me. I no longer feel like I have to save him, though.

  6. my ex is a narc, she has pulled me back in so many times but I have since moved on. she has made very very lame attempts to bait me with short, pathetic emails. I never respond. what is the best way to go about having her leave me alone? I know when I reject her, she goes on the offensive.. and always moves onto whomever is willing to pay attention to her. She has claimed over and over she has never “cheated” (she randomly throws that into the convo), but I have explained over and over that there are other things that are inappropriate. she keeps her tracks clean… immediately deletes emails, has two phones, and deletes texts. I’m getting anxious just thinking about the way she acts about her phone.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Keep doing what you are doing but block the e-mails or change your e-mail address so she has no means of attempting contact. Knowing she can e-mail you is lowering the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria.

    2. Haha, yes mine never cheated either to hear him tell it. I did everything but catch him in the act physically and he admitted to it but months later changed his tune and said it never happened. I am just happy he is no longer my concern. I check his social media with less and less frequency and I am working with energy manipulation techniques to see if that helps with some of the anxiety that pops up now and then. Good luck.

      1. almost can’t take the entire thing too seriously because she is literally a joke. Everything she did was shady. she keeps all of her exes (who are “friends”) around, but keeps us all separated… I didn’t meet any of them. lol. always an excuse to why… she runs back to them the second we break up. it’s fun. There are better people out there, I hope.

      2. Twilight says:

        What is this energy manipulation technique?

  7. I think I spent the entire relationship asking that question. I can’t tell you how thankful I was to finally stumble across an article about narcissistic abuse which led me down the rabbit hole to discovering what I was dealing with and ultimately escaping. I am still being hoovered but I am able to dissect his attempts for what they are. Nonsense. Once freed of his physical presence I was able to get back in contact with logic and critical thinking as described in one of your other articles which I can’t recall the name of because my memory is still addled from the trauma bonding and concussions from the beatings and car wreck. Thank you for your thoughtful writing on this topic. You are helping many of us.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Katanon.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

You Say No, We Hear Yes

Next article

The House of Discards